.png)
Fearlessly Female Uncensored
A comedic podcast featuring two friends sharing unfiltered stories and hilarious takes on life as modern women.
Fearlessly Female Uncensored
Healing Hearts: Escaping Toxic Love & Embracing Growth
Click Here to Chat with Us! We're all ears (& probably wine).
Imagine mistaking infatuation for love, only to find yourself trapped in a cycle of toxicity. We've been there, and we're sharing our stories to help you avoid the same pitfalls. This episode uncovers the sobering realization of being in unhealthy relationships and the journey towards healing. Drawing from personal experiences, we explore how childhood influences and societal norms skew our perceptions of relationships. Gain valuable insights into recognizing red flags and the critical role friends and family play in helping us regain clarity and courage to step away.
As we move beyond the chaos, we focus on self-reflection and growth. Our paths to rebuilding involved delving into therapy, self-development books, and fitness. We also highlight the power of journaling and taking time off social interactions to prioritize self-care. By embracing self-awareness and setting boundaries, we learn to communicate our needs effectively and foster healthier relationships. Join us as we share our empowering journeys towards self-discovery and the fulfillment that comes with recognizing and accepting our roles in past dynamics.
Healing isn't just about moving on—it's about understanding and overcoming emotional triggers from the past. We candidly discuss how recognizing these triggers and fostering open communication with partners can transform relationships. Discover creative tools, like using daily passwords as reminders for personal goals, and the importance of a robust support system. As we wrap up, we extend an invitation for listeners to engage, share experiences, and explore active healing practices that promote a positive mindset in everyday life.
🎙️fearlesslyfemaleuncensored@gmail.com
Today's podcast topic is healing yourself, so we're going to go into you know how you get out of a you know little rough patch, some tips for continuing that on, and you know just how we dealt with a couple of situations throughout our life. So, warning, calm your tits. No offense will be taken here. So grab your favorite drink, burn your bra and have a good time.
Meghan:All right, let's start with how do you get into them? And then, really, how do you get out? For me there's a lot of false positives, so he wasn't really who he said he was. He was kind of just putting on and then ultimately started getting worse over time. And then I think also I was waiting for Mr Right for so long that I did lie to myself a little bit as well. How about you, brittany?
Brittany:Yeah, I think that always kind of is the case when you meet somebody and you're in a relationship or you're thinking about getting in a relationship with someone. You're so caught up in the honeymoon phase and it's really the infatuation phase because I myself have been guilty of it too where I have an expectation in my head on what this person is and I'm just so like ah, starstruck about this person and then I just more or less ended up staying in that infatuation phase longer than I ever wanted to be and it ended up. You know, it's kind of turning out to be not what I wanted to be for my life goals, the relationship I want, the partner I wanted, but for whatever reason, I just was just stuck on just being infatuated versus actually loving that person.
Meghan:Makes sense. How about getting out? For me it was a pretty bad relationship and for me it felt almost like a trapped animal just needed to get out. I was really scared and nervous, but I think a big reason why it took longer was because I had lost sight of the truth. I was told so many lies that the world was almost spinning. I couldn't tell what was reality, and not because there were so many lies, and so it really took a lot of support from my friends and my family of me asking certain questions, and some of them were pretty raw questions and, honestly, almost embarrassing. I'm like, hey, am I missing something? Is this the truth? And they're like no, Megan, this is a lie. And really helping me to see that landscape of what I was faced with and that's kind of how I started getting out was getting some other perspective about what was going on.
Brittany:Yeah, and I can completely see how, like you, I've fallen into that trap myself, or others can, because it's not you know so much where it's that prominent.
Brittany:It's kind of gradual over time.
Brittany:You know, for example, like you know, when you're in that honeymoon phase they're saying all the right things, all the good things, you know it's fine. But there comes a point where you're not going in the direction you want to with the relationship. And then you know, slowly you kind of find yourself isolating yourself from your friends, like not intentionally, and so then you kind of find yourself isolating yourself from your friends like not intentionally, and so then you just start believing what that person says and then you kind of lose touch more or less with who you were and just become so infatuated in that relationship and consumed in it that you have to pull yourself out and really take a look at the overall picture, which is it's really hard to do. Especially, you know, like you said, you're trying to find, you know what's true, what's not true, and to have those conversations with you know, friends, you don't want to seem like you're complaining about your relationship but just to like bounce off for a different perspective. I think is really hard, you know as well.
Meghan:I. You know what resonated with me. What you said is that it doesn't happen overnight, right. So so often we see these movies that take place over an hour and a half, two hours, where it's just this really bad relationship, but they cram it. This person's going to explode occasionally. I have to allow for that, right, and really it was more. Why are they exploding? How are they changing their behavior? Are they getting better, or are they really not getting better and getting worse, which was what the case was? So I think sometimes we try to make excuses, because relationships are hard. They're difficult, right. So you want to make allowances for bad days, but are you making allowances for bad days or are you making allowances for bad character?
Brittany:Yeah, and I think one of the challenges I had to was growing up is you know you have an expectation of how your parents' relationship is, whether it's, you know, healthy or not healthy. You just emulate what you see. So if you grow up in a non healthy relationship, for example, you don't know that and then you're just going to emulate the type of relationship you know your parents had, which is quote unquote normal to you right? Because who says it's you know any different? So then it continues on in your life and it really is hard to break that chain cycle of toxicity. And you know, I have a couple of friends that have just never been in toxic relationships and not you know, not that I wish that upon anybody, but it's just such like. What Like this is so normal, as at least I feel like as a society, that people are in unhappy relationships, toxic relationships, that you meet someone and they tell you about their relationship, their life, and I'm just so just in awe that they've never had that and I don't know. It's just crazy.
Meghan:I absolutely agree. I don't wish it on anyone, but of all of my very close friends I don't know anyone who wasn't in a toxic relationship and that's sad and also part of why we're doing this podcast is to share our lessons learned, so hopefully you know people won't continue making those mistakes.
Brittany:Agreed. I think for me some of the things that helped me a lot was just walking away from that situation and it sounds really hard, but when I've had to break up with someone in the past, I've done a lot of inner reflection before that decision was actually made and communicated with that person that in my mind it was already made, it was already set. So when I did communicate that to the other person, it's like we're done I don't want to call you, don't text me, I'm not stalking you on social media, I don't care if you're with somebody else. For me that helped a lot because I'm not still obsessing about the relationship and fantasizing about what could have been reflect, heal, what I contributed to the relationship, what that other person contributed to the relationship and how to not make those same mistakes going forward in a different relationship.
Meghan:I want to say something on that real quickly. I think boundaries are so incredibly important and I think that people are missing the idea of boundaries. So with my relationship, there was also kids involved, and so I had to walk away from that too, and I specifically had to set up boundaries with those kids, which was incredibly hard. But it's really important when you think about the long term of your life and your relationships and what's best for everybody involved. And you know, I've had so many folks tell me interactions with in-laws or whoever that people don't have boundaries and don't understand that you need to have those to have healthy relationships in the future, and so I think that's incredibly important and you're talking a little bit about that about stalking them on family and social media, not texting them. It's so important for your future relationships that you have those boundaries and you ask not texting them. It's so important for your future relationships that you have those boundaries and you ask people to respect them, yeah.
Brittany:And I think it's really hard to just while we're on the boundary topic, to establish that when you're in a toxic relationship. Because, at least for me, I was caught up in where I felt like I was communicating that but it wasn't respected and it just kind of snowballed into something else. But when I got out of the relationship I was able to do a lot more self-reflection, a lot of self-development. I read a lot of self-development books. It sounds kind of corny, but whatever I was, looking at all different angles whether it was spiritual books, just how to improve myself overall, I went to therapy a couple of times to bounce it off. A non-biased third party got really into working out motivational videos. So I kind of just pulled different pieces from all those different aspects to kind of find my new perspective and what I wanted. What about you?
Meghan:For me. I did a lot of journaling and if you were to like, look at the notebook that I was journaling in, like it's, it looks I mean, even worse than like a three-year-old writing Like it would there's some scribble scrabble on it. You can't even read it, but for me it was the idea of I'm putting it on the paper and so it's there. I'm not keeping it in my head, I'm not mentally spinning and thinking about it, I've put it somewhere else and I don't have to deal with it.
Meghan:I also took a year off, so I mostly stayed in the house. I had to minimize a lot of my interactions, I had to say no, a lot. And what was really important with that as well was really setting aside guilt, making sure that I didn't chastise myself for not, you know, going out or not doing this or you know, oh, you took, you know, five naps this week, right, I needed to do that, and if I was going to, you know, make myself feel guilty for that stuff. That's going to defeat the purpose, right. So, you know, if you want to use the term self-care, you can, but I really just kind of took a year off of quote, unquote, public, to kind of work through all of this.
Brittany:You know, once you kind of remove everything else, you can kind of focus on yourself and reprioritize what's important to you. I think what helped me because I had the same situation where I was carrying a lot of guilt, but it wasn't necessarily towards myself, it was this person was in a bad situation and I felt guilty that I couldn't help them. But at the same time, once I stepped away from everything, I was able to look back and say it's not my responsibility to help them. They're XYZ age, I'm not their mom, I'm their partner. I can't fix them. I can support them, I can give them the tools, I can show them the resources, but it's up to them if they want to make that change.
Brittany:So what I did, after I kind of went through my whole stepping aside year off too, was just writing a letter to that person. I never bailed it to them, but just, you know foreclosure, because I knew I was never going to get an apology, I was never going to get a sorry, I was going to be blamed for everything. And that really like allowed me to let go, like kind of once and for all, and get rid of all that guilt of. You know, it's not my fault. This is how I felt in this situation. This is how I felt. You know what you did to me. I don't think it's okay and you know like, I kind of wish you the best, and it's just time for us to go our separate ways.
Meghan:That really hit me in the heart, that you know, you knowing that you're not going to ever get apology and always be blamed for that situation. I had never really thought about that.
Meghan:That's so accurate for me and definitely something I'm thinking about right now. And you know we talked about, you know, me taking a year off and you talked about that self-reflection. You know, I think, no matter the relationship, whether you're dealing with something that's toxic or not, right that self-reflection is so important. And you know, even in this conversation I'm having some moments of self-reflection. But you know, in all relationships there's the contribution of two people, and so really being able to say what you do differently, what you need to learn from that's just such a great practice of self-awareness and improving yourself for the future. You know, even if you were in a toxic relationship, you know you still have pieces that you contributed to that relationship.
Meghan:Whether you allow that behavior to happen to you. It's really hard pill to swallow and I've had to swallow it, but there are things that I allowed, and so if you know what would happen if I changed that course and said, no, this is not allowed, I won't accept this. This doesn't work for me, you know. And so now I know that and I communicate my needs much earlier and much more strongly up front, and people have really reacted well to them. So you know, even in those bad relationships, you can improve as well. So that reflection is just key for me.
Brittany:Yeah, and I think you bring up a good point too, is how people respond to it. Once you're able to communicate. That I feel you know kind of generally as a society, a lot of the breakdown on, you know, conflicts and stuff is really just a lack of communication and lack of understanding what the other person needs. And you know we're not maybe necessarily the best at communicating sometimes what we need. But when you see that relationship I've had it in you know work situations where clear cut boundaries here they are, I can do this and this and this for you and then the other person. It's more of a conversation rather than, you know, an argument or something else. But it feels really good. You know, once you get to that point and you're able to, you know, nope, this is my boundary, here it is, and stand firm, and you feel so much better. I feel like overall as a person. And you're not, you know, maybe up at night, you know sleepless nights, kind of mulling things around in your head.
Meghan:Well, I think those are all really good practices, but would you say you're fully healed?
Brittany:Yes and no. I think I have, you know, a lot of areas that I could improve on, but I think the road to self-development is, you know, it's kind of always under construction and life, I feel, has a funny way of throwing the same lesson at you until you get it.
Meghan:I'm laughing because I must be like thick-headed, because I keep getting the same lesson.
Brittany:I've had moments where I've gotten like probably three back to back and I'm just like, why am I getting this? And then I take a step back and I'm like, oh hello, you didn't learn it the first time or the second time. We just, you know, reinforce this. But to answer the question, I feel like there are areas for me to improve on, but I have, you know, a better understanding of the other person that I'm with and my personal boundaries. Better understanding of the other person that I'm with and my personal boundaries, and I'm able to communicate that in a relationship. And I have an expectation for the relationship I want. And having that conversation early on with my current partner has been just leaps and bounds as far as how we've progressed. What about you?
Meghan:I'll say this, and I hate to use the word trigger, but there are still some things that do.
Meghan:However, that said, I've done enough healing that I don't take them out on others. So an example of this is I had a friend and she needed some support and I was talking with her about trust issues with her relationship. That's what was going on with her, and at the time this happened, I was newly dating my boyfriend and I just started spiraling out of control with trust with him. However, I took a breath and I realized that the trust issues my friend was talking about was really triggering my past and not my present, and so I really needed to trust my current boyfriend, not apply my past to him. So for me, this is what emotional intelligence is You're starting to hear this term quite a bit in the corporate world as an important leadership skill, but realizing, hey, this happened in the past, I don't need to take it out on my current person or the future and knowing where your boundaries are, and just being really aware of them. Where your boundaries are, and just being really aware of them why are we laughing?
Brittany:I laugh because I know the triggers of the past, like they just come out of nowhere. And you know it's a little bit different when I feel like it's emotional toxicity or maybe emotional abuse whatever you want to label it as versus. You know either physical or something you know happen. For example, like if you're a young kid you get attacked by a dog and now you're scared of dogs. So when you see a dog you get frightened, right, that's more of a physical altercation. That more or less happened. But when it's emotional, it's not necessarily always present and you may not identify it unless you're consciously aware and more or less looking out for it. On how you can, you know, respond better to that. So I just laugh because I've always been super reactive. It's just my nature and that was just such a hard lesson to learn for me.
Meghan:Well, you know and it's kind of interesting because I'm even still realizing it now right, so I've been dating, you know, dating this guy for over a year now and he really loves watching sports and so I'll hear him cheering on a team. He's screaming and yelling at the TV, but it's cheering on a team, right. But the first few times he has been doing it, I kind of tense up and I'm like, oh, what's happening. Or I hear something slam and I start tensing up and I'm like, oh, what's happening. Or I hear something slam and I start, you know, tensing up. I'm like, oh, what's getting thrown? And that's not what's happening. Right, the door just closed loudly. Or he's not screaming and yelling at the TV, he's cheering on his team and is super excited. But that loud noise was something really negative in my past, and so it's taken a little bit to overcome that and be like, okay, we're just, we're just cheering on a team, that's okay.
Brittany:So I'm glad we can laugh about it now.
Meghan:Yeah, and you know I'm still learning it, right, cause that all that happened just recently, you know, and I'm like, okay, I don't, I don't need to freak out, we're just having fun. So anyways, brittany, what do you do when something comes up that triggers fast pain?
Brittany:I generally just like to walk away from it because I feel initially, just by nature I need to react immediately to it and, depending on the setting I'm in, that's not necessarily always an appropriate response. My life is not a physical threat, I'm not being threatened, so I'm really just you know. You know someone punches you in the face, your reaction is to punch back. That's, it's just innate in my nature to do so. Yeah, I just walk away, calm myself down mentally and kind of talk myself off a ledge and then sit there and analyze the situation on. This person says something that made me upset. Did they really say something to make me upset? Am I interpreting it that way? Or are they projecting some feeling onto me that they're unhappy with their life? So I just think taking that moment to pause, walk away, has really helped and just recognizing that moment to walk away has been extremely difficult for me to do but has been extremely beneficial in the long run.
Meghan:That's good, I think, for me, just having really good dialogue with my current partner about why a certain situation bothered me and why I don't like it. You know, I had to break it down and it took a minute because I was like, hey, that's never happened again, I'm not okay with that. And he asked why and I kind of said something, but then I slept on it and the next day I was able to really clearly communicate why it bothered me and why I wasn't okay with it and he said 100% agree with you. And so we were able to just really have a good dialogue about it. But for me it did take kind of you you walked away, I needed to sleep on it. That's kind of my processing.
Brittany:Yeah, I think that's really important too, because once you are able to have an effective conversation and a calm environment, it really builds a strong foundation of trust between two people and that just enhances the relationship further down the road versus. You know, oh, I don't like what you did, so we're just going to yell at each other back and forth and cause a scene in public and then just say fuck you and like, get on with our day. Like, who does that?
Meghan:We're going to have to edit that portion of what she just said portion of what she just said.
Brittany:So what are some things that you do actively in your everyday life to incorporate healing and making sure you stay in that positive quote. Unquote mindset.
Meghan:So active healing for me has come in the form of validation of my own feelings, really being respected and heard. I mean crazy the idea that I want to be respected and heard. Big hurdles to be with Megan right, but for instance, in the past anything I said was shut down or it was turned around on me, so gaslighting in the truest form. But since then I've actually had people listen to me validate my feelings, Prior to my current boyfriend. Anytime I would bring something up, I would get shut down right. So that started becoming a red flag to a potential relationship and that in itself is a sign of healing, because I was seeing those as red flags versus being in the situation and it being my fault. So you know, knowing that I have healed because I am recognizing that difference.
Brittany:Yeah, and I think being in the toxic relationship is you just get used to that behavior. It just becomes your new normal. So check out our previous episode of the red flag, green flag it's a drinking game. Yeah, we go into that.
Meghan:So before you get into a relationship, make sure you watch that podcast, because you'll get some good nuggets from us. Lots of drinking, but, brittany, how do you incorporate healing into your life?
Brittany:I think you mentioned it earlier but just the non-validation of your feelings. It starts to wear down on your self-confidence. So a lot of what I do is a lot of motivational videos and affirmations. I have a door that's a glass door, so I write my affirmations up, you know, maybe once a quarter. But I go and read them because you know you don't think you're good enough. You don't feel good enough. You feel like everything you've tried when you're in that relationship you just feel like the worst person ever. And to build your self-confidence back up to that level is really hard. But it's nice just to have a reminder like I am good, I am worthy, I'm great at these things, and just to see it written out. That helps me a lot.
Meghan:I agree, that was completely my experience as well, particularly about self-confidence and having to rebuild that. This is the silliest example, but everybody, I tell really likes it. So the password to my computer changes every 90 days. Sometimes I feel like it's 60 days, you have to change it, right, but I always have that password. 60 days you have to change it, right, but I always have that password.
Meghan:Whatever I want to focus on so right now it's exercise and diet right, Because I'm trying to eat a little bit healthier. And so every day, probably 50 times, I have to type in the password, right, and so I'm thinking about that and it's helping me make better choices and decisions. And so if you're rebuilding your self-confidence, maybe your computer password is just something that uplifts you, that means something to you, and you're typing it 50 times a day right, it's so silly, but it works. I've been doing this for years and I always have a different focus and usually by the end of that password time and I have to switch to the new one, I'm like, oh, I actually did what I've been typing the last 90 days. So silly, but I recommend it.
Brittany:I actually really like that idea. I haven't thought of changing my password to that, but you're just so subconsciously typing it in that it just gets ingrained in you.
Meghan:Yeah, I'm doing subconscious messages to myself. That's basically what it is. Subconscious messages to myself, that's basically what it is, hey whatever works.
Brittany:Yes, I like that, so I think we're ready to close this podcast out. But just now, if you're in a toxic relationship, I think probably one of the key things is to get a support system. You tend to get isolated from people that love you, care about you, and those people can really lift you up and bring you back down to reality, and it's to give you an honest perspective.
Meghan:I think that's good. We'd also like to hear from you, so please email us. We can answer questions from our own experience and we can also address them in a future podcast.
Brittany:This one was a heavy one. I think we should do some self-care drinks. Are you down?
