Bonus Kids, Bonus Heartache: Step-Kid Breakups

What happens when you lose children who were never legally yours? Without legal rights or cultural recognition, stepparent loss exists in a painful limbo - real relationships severed with no formal acknowledgment of their significance.

Meghan shares her raw, emotional journey through one of the most overlooked forms of grief after a relationship ends - the heartbreak of saying goodbye to stepchildren & the path to healing that isn't often discussed. 

 • First meetings with stepchildren 
 • Creating memorable birthdays 
 • Making meaningful impacts on pivotal life choices (i.e. college possibilities) 
 • Navigating grief & personal identity with a stepparent breakup 
 • Healing process & finding closure

Have you experienced the unique heartbreak of stepparent loss? Share your story with us and check out our social media poll to see how many others have walked this challenging path.

🎙️fearlesslyfemaleuncensored@gmail.com

Transcript

Welcome to Fearlessly Female

Meghan 0:01

Welcome to Fearlessly Female, where two blondes make a right. We are Meghan and Brittany, the hosts of Fearlessly Female. This podcast was born out of ambition, drive and a lot of wine. We're two powerhouse comedic women having uncensored conversations about topics that affect women. We're airing all the dirty laundry, so grab your favorite drink and give us a listen.

Brittany 0:23

In today's podcast we're on quirking bonus kids, bonus heartaches and stepkid breakups. Warning calm your tits. Offense will not be taken here. So grab your favorite drink, burn your bra and have a good time. This format will be a little bit different from our typical formats. It'll be more of an interview focused on Meghan's experience, of course, with my colorful interjections. It's a little heavier topic losing stepkids but we promise to make it light where we can. And also the names have been changed, so make sure your drink is full.

Meeting the Kids: First Impressions

Meghan 1:00

Boy. Here we go.

Brittany 1:02

Well, there's no beating around the bush, let's start with meeting them for the first time kids.

Meghan 1:25

So when I first met them I had bought a mini baseball bat from the San Francisco Giants and a Golden Gate Bridge charm for a bracelet, and when I gave it to them I talked about all the experience I wanted to have with them to travel and make sure they got something similar from those locations.

Brittany 1:38

Oh, bribing them with gifts. I like your approach.

Meghan 1:42

I mean a little of that, yeah, but I have always been about memories and I knew they hadn't traveled a lot and that was the focus of my partner at the time.

Brittany 1:53

You were being so generous with the term partner, but okay, I digress, so go listen to our topic on toxic relationships episodes to hear more.

Meghan 2:03

You're exactly right on that.

Brittany 2:07

All right, so tell us favorite memories from being a mom.

Meghan 2:10

Man well, birthdays were super fun. For Dylan's birthday, we were having a bunch of 13-year-old boys over. He was obsessed with Dr Pepper. I mean, the cans upon cans I found around the house is just a nightmare. Anyways, I found a recipe to make a chocolate cake with Dr Pepper. He absolutely was shocked that anything like this was possible. I also made a ranch fountain.

Brittany 2:35

Oh my gosh, I love Dr Pepper. Like I am obsessed with it too. It's so good and ranch. I'm like I'm a white girl. It's just like I've heard of chocolate, but ranch, ranch fountains.

Meghan 2:50

You bet I got wings and pizza rolls and some veggies. I mean, there were a few adults at the party afterward and I got a fountain that does hot or cool, and so I had a ranch dressing fountain. The kids loved it, it was a massive hit.

Brittany 3:05

I mean, can you do that for my birthday? All right, what about Ava? How was her birthday?

Meghan 3:12

Okay, so she was a little older, she was turning 16, and gave me no restrictions or ideas, which I mean. That could have been a hard fail.

Brittany 3:23

A girl turning 16 with a new stepmom. No restrictions or ideas, okay, no pressure at all. I mean, I was an angel at 16.

Meghan 3:33

Not even our listeners are going to believe that, brittany. So for that one I decided to make it all spa. I completely changed the upstairs bedrooms. Her room was converted into like a bohemian style space. I bought all these colorful sheets and pinned them to the ceiling, got extra mattresses and every pillow in the house and just made this a really cool space so that all the girls could sleep in one room and have a sitting area.

Brittany 3:59

Okay, so Ranch Fountain and Bohemian Room is on my list for my party now I did a bunch of other things too.

Meghan 4:04

There was a nail room, spa water, and then I got every little pastry appetizer, everything across the county for the girls. They were up all night.

Brittany 4:14

Gosh what a success.

Brittany 4:17

That's amazing, being a first-time parent learning as you went baptism by firing gasoline. With teenagers, I mean arguably the most unreasonable people on earth. My dad always said raising a teenager was like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.

Meghan 4:31

I think that's the truth. I think we can all look back on our teenage days and think all parents have to learn, but starting with a whole-ass human with lots of opinions and thoughts certainly is a different bag of chaos.

Brittany 4:45

Oh, I believe it. Clearly you had some fun with these kids. Let's talk about the impact that you made. What do you consider your biggest accomplishment with them?

Meghan 4:55

Well, I will start with Ava. So neither of her biological parents went to college. Now, mind you, that's not everything you can listen to in earlier podcasts where I talk about this, but I was speaking at Mississippi State and had her skip school to come with me. She got to see her first college campus. A boy flirted with her, she got to see a lecture and college students interacting in that lecture. Oh boy, that's all you took from that. But really I was just excited to give her that experience, give her another option than the very few that kids in that county are exposed to. And I found out after I left that she actually did go to college. So I took that as a small win for the impact I had.

Brittany 5:39

That's super awesome, especially being able to show someone that there's a different path or option, so they're not a product of their environment. And that's super sweet that you were able to get an update afterwards too.

Meghan 5:51

Yeah, a few laws may have been broken on that one but mom's the word.

Brittany 5:54

I didn't hear anything. How's Dylan? What impact do you feel that you made there?

Meghan 6:00

Man he was my little bestie, so he was standoffish at first and I really just took the approach of letting the kids lead the relationship and what they wanted it to look like. They needed to be in the driver's seat. I was there, I was available, but I wasn't forcing a certain look of what it needed to be, I think that's smart.

Brittany 6:18

I mean you see all the time with babies and little kids, adults pushing for hugs and the kids like shying away, especially if you're the third parent coming into the picture. I can't imagine how difficult that is.

Meghan 6:31

Exactly so. For the first Christmas I was there. We flew to Tahoe. It was their first time on a plane, certainly their first time this far away from home. I think they had only been to the States touching Alabama at that point, which is like four, and we all went skiing. Dylan was in the lessons first half of the day, but he had a natural ability and so I took him on the mountain the last half of the day and I think this was his first experience seeing a woman in an athletic way. After that he would not leave my side. It was Meghan this, Meghan that.

Brittany 7:03

He watched you tumble down the Black Diamond Runs. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I bet that felt good from going from standoffish to besties.

Meghan 7:14

Tumbling, which may be why he was impressed, and I sucked it up until he turned 13. We were still really close, but of course, the relationship changed when he became a teenager. I just had to grow with it.

The Grief of Losing Stepchildren

Brittany 7:25

So let's get into the hard part, as if having teenagers isn't hard enough. You had to say goodbye to these kids you'd been raising for five years. Step kids added major complications to you being able to heal and move on, because it wasn't just one person you had to.

Meghan 7:42

You know, I look back at the process and it is an amazing process. As I sit here doing this podcast now, thinking about how I've healed, how I've grown and how I was able to find closure, it's amazing to think about those first six months that I left. Anytime someone asked me if I had kids when I was meeting new people, it was gut-wrenching to say no. Several times I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom after that question just to recover in private.

Brittany 8:10

Private pain is why we're doing this episode. But, yeah, bring the light something that isn't talked about much recovering from losing step kids. I know from just my own circle of friends. You're not the only one that's experienced this.

Meghan 8:24

You know I've never been pregnant, but I wonder if having a miscarriage is something of a similar feeling I used to play in my head. Do I say, yeah, I used to have two kids but I lost them? I never did. These are just my real raw thoughts. I'm being quite vulnerable here. I certainly don't want to compare people's experiences that aren't my own and offend anyone.

Brittany 8:45

I know it's so weird, right, like how do you respond to a complete stranger asking you that question without you know being like, well, how much time do you have? And then divulge your whole life story and scare them away. But thanks for being vulnerable and remember, no offense will be taken here. So tell us, after this whole thing happened, how did you heal from that?

Meghan 9:07

Well, it was a long process. It took over a year for me to not drive by their house just to check on them. Mind you, I wasn't seeing them, just the house, but that gave me a little bit of comfort. I think why I really wanted to do this episode is because it's not talked about. I went to some pretty intensive therapy to get over the person that caused this, but there isn't a book or information about healing from losing stepkids. Well, heck, maybe there is, but I was not brave enough to do that internet search.

Healing and Moving Forward

Brittany 9:35

Well, and I remember you at the time. You had a lot to heal from, so I can imagine that was probably on your back burner. I mean, you lost a partner, two kids moved across the country, bought a house. I mean, that's just a few things going on. Did I miss anything?

Meghan 9:49

Well, thanks for being fair. I certainly can appreciate that, but from a healing perspective, all of the normal things of time and support system are necessary. There was also some correlation between healing from the partner that got me there with the kids. But I would also say I have built future plans. I know why I went through all of it and, as hard as it is to say, it was worth it to get me to what I have now.

Brittany 10:13

So cliche. But time heals all so cliche, oh, but so oh, do we get details about the now?

Meghan 10:21

No ma'am To be announced later.

Brittany 10:23

Love a good mystery.

Brittany 10:26

Um, okay, so afterwards was there any contact with the kids?

Meghan 10:29

after you left. Well, they did reach out about two years after the situation, just saying hi, and that they were reminiscing and had such good memories Both a tear-jerking moment and warming of the heart. And then one of them contacted me for advice on a job. So that was really cool.

Brittany 10:43

That's super sweet. I love that and I'm sure you definitely made you feel more validated.

Meghan 10:47

I also helped with the healing process, knowing that I had made the impact I set out to make.

Brittany 10:53

Well, thanks for sharing the story. I think it was really insightful, especially from your experience. I think maybe it's time for us to have a drink.

Meghan 11:02

Yes, drink please.

Brittany 11:04

All right, If this episode resonated with you, check out our poll on social media so we can post the results to see how many other women have gone through something similar.