How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenager and Keep Your Cool

How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenager and Keep Your Cool - Ep. 71

If you've ever lost your temper with your teenager and hated yourself for it afterward, this episode is for you.

Samantha Boss is a single mum, a parent coach, and someone who will be the first to tell you she didn't always have it together. She spent years yelling, reacting, and reaching for the wrong things to cope. Then she made a decision to change, not because it was easy, but because her kids needed her to. Today her kids call her when chaos hits them. Not their friends. Her.

In this conversation, Samantha and I talk about what it actually takes to stop yelling at your teenager, not just white-knuckling through the hard moments, but doing the deeper work that makes regulation possible in the first place.

In this episode:

· Why a parent's mood shapes a teenager's emotional safety before a single word is spoken

· The number system Samantha used with her kids and why they started using it themselves

· What to do when you need to take a break in a fight without it feeling like abandonment

· The one question parents ask when they come back after a fight that puts their teenager right back into it

· Why parents who swore they'd be different end up repeating the same cycle, and how to actually break it

· What Samantha's decade of work on herself produced in her relationship with her kids

If you're in the middle of the hard part and wondering whether the work is worth it, this episode will show you what's possible on the other side.

Connect with Samantha Boss:

https://www.samanthaboss.com/

https://www.instagram.com/theuglytruthofdivorce/

Get on Their Turf with Dr. Suzanne Simpson is an educational podcast for parents who want to connect with their teenagers before crisis hits. My work is grounded in 30 years of experience working with teenagers and doctoral research into what kids actually need from the adults in their lives.

Disclaimer: The contents of this podcast are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator, and this work is intended to provide information for educational purposes only. Testimonials of lived experiences are opinion only and have not been scientifically evaluated.

Find my interview playlist on YouTube Dr Suzanne Simpson, at Get On Their Turf:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HC8JprFdrPA&list=PLi7xFsX7h7tdxBsVx38UIRVrvnCc_9IBW

New releases every second Monday 8:00 am PST.

👉 Get the free guide "8 Ways to Get on Your Kids' Turf" at www.drsuzannesimpson.com

Connect with me: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drsuzannesimpson/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drsuzannesimpson/ 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@drsuzannesimpson 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61566148964209

Please note that the contents of this website are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator, and this work is intended to provide information for educational purposes only. Testimonials of lived experiences are opinion only and have not been scientifically evaluated.

Transcript

0:00

I'm Dr. Suzanne Simpson and welcome. I'm here to help you learn how to understand your child to get to their level and find authentic connection in every way. This podcast is based on my PhD research with teens in crisis and is real conversations for parents and educators about how to support our kids better and to get on their turf. Today we are answering the question of how we can keep our cool in moments of, conflict with our children. Samantha Boss is a parenting coach and divorce coach and she talks about her own history and what she didn't learn as a child and teenager and how she has now overcome that and has learned how to be there fully for her kids. So join me now as Samantha Boss and I talk about keeping our cool. Samantha Boss. Thank you so much for joining me. Thanks for having me. I want to talk today about the idea of keeping our cool as parents when we're in conflict with our kids because you and I interviewed last week on your podcast about how do parents break that cycle of reactive parenting with your own upbringing when calm was never modeled to you. Yeah. So I loved what you said about that. I know about you, you talk about just having to learn this. So I want You are a certified divorce mediator. Yes, ma'am. Right. You're a divorce coach. You are a former teacher. You're host of the Ugly Truth of Divorce podcast. And you've got a new one out called Yes, we have divorce with Sam and Leah, and I started my own The Ugly Truth of Divorce, and it's all been going great. And I we were just talking about this this morning of being so dysregulated with my first set of kids and not keeping my cool. To I have a six, seven year old um now with my husband, and the difference is so like it's like two different worlds that I've lived and knowing now, and there's so much reflective moments in raising these first the first two versus the second two set of kids. Cause in my first set are 21 and 19. I got divorced when they were one and three. And so I didn't have any of the tools, none, zero zip of what I have now in raising this six, seven year old together with my husband. So Completely different life and and so every day is a moment of just self-reflection of wow, I'm so grateful for the tools that I have now. What do you want to tell me about your own upbringing? Dysregulation was um from birth. I was out of a teenage pregnancy and so I was not expected. Uh both households were in upheaval that my parents were both in and so they came together. So I like to say I saved both their lives. Came they came together and got out of the households they were in and started a new life with me, but they're you know what they witnessed was not well. And so I had two dysregulated parents starting a life with me and they were young and figuring things out and and trying to figure each other out as teenagers and then young twenties. And then my sister came along five years later. And it was just a constant fighting for money, fighting for survival, fighting for their marriage, fighting just in life of nobody was calm. Everything was rigid. It was it was utter chaos most times of just go, go, go and do do do. And I was never taught about emotions. I wasn't taught about being calm or hey, you're having a moment. Go have a moment. I was taught don't cry. What are you crying about? Knock it off. Let it go. It was just a very rigid household that was not warm and fuzzy. Um leave some bounds ahead of how they were raised in progress towards the right direction, but just not enough. You know? And so they took some of the things that happened to them and they didn't do those things, but they just didn't do quite everything that they could have to make it a little bit more peace and calm and cool when I was growing up. A lot of yelling, a lot of screaming, a lot of just fights and arguments, me included in those fights and arguments with them. Uh just never calm. It was just always go, go, go. So when you became a parent then, you were essentially starting from zero, right? When it became came to regulating your own nervous system. Yeah. I came from, okay, this is what my parents did. You know, they were they were this, they were that. I don't want to be so much like that. But I also I knew what I didn't want to do, but I didn't know what I wanted to do. And so I knew some things. Okay, I didn't I I didn't want to do this and I didn't want to do that, but I still didn't have any tools of, okay, well, how if you don't do A, what does a B even look like? I don't even know. I just know I don't want to do A, right? And so we do nothing but like go back to what we do now. We can say we don't want to, and man, I don't want to be a screamer, man, I don't want to be a hollower, man. I don't want to be irrational when it comes to loud noises or my kid dropping something or my kid crying. But I can say that all day long. But when that happens I always regress back to what happened to me, to get scolded, to get yelled, to get questioned, to get, you know, well, why'd you do that? You know, well, I didn't fucking mean to drop that, you know. I I went back to what I knew because I didn't give myself any other tools. So even though I didn't want to raise my children that way, I think subconsciously I just I I ended up doing it, duplicating what my parents did because I didn't know any other way by besides yelling. You did the best that you could with the tools that you had, which is what we were raised with. Exactly. So you actually I think answered my next question of what were you up against inside yourself when conflict came up with your kids? So in those heat of the moment conflict situations. I I think for me, like my parents uh were great people. I mean, for what looking back now, I couldn't have had kids at sixteen and nineteen. Are you kidding me? Like I wasn't even making a car payment at that age. What they had was the best they had with the tools they were given, right? And I have a lot of reflective moments about that now that I'm in my forties, almost fifties, and I can see for what it is. But when I was first raising my first two set of kids when I'm barely 25, 27 years old, and I'm starting, I I didn't know better. I just knew what I didn't want to do. So as I'm starting to raise these kids, I'm just figuring out like holy shit, like I want better for them, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know any I I had no concept of nervous system. I had no concept of dysregulation. And so when something would happen and I would yell or correct or do to to change the the what happened to them if they dropped something, like I said, or just I was disregulated from work and they were being loud and telling them to knock it off. I just screamed and hollered a lot. Knock it off. I mean this wasn't a scream all night. This was just real hard, real direct, real screaming, real just mean. And then I'd be fine 'cause I got it out for my body, but now they're carrying it in their body. And they're rigid and cold and walking on eggshells with me, which was my whole childhood. Right. You know, walking on eggshells with parents that were not regulated. And so I was just repeating this pattern and I beat myself up for it for years when I finally, in my late thirties, learned about nervous system regulation, learned about coping skills, l and got some more tools. I had so many aha moments after my kids were grown of like, holy shit, I could have done so much better for you. I could have I could have seen the red flags. I could have got ahead of them. I could have used other skills. I could have re had other coping skills. I I could have apologized more. I c you know, my parents didn't apologize. They'd bark and yell and I had to move on. At least with my kids, I started to apologize as they got older because I could start seeing like this doesn't feel right. This I need I need more. I need more. But I was so late to the game on my first set of kids of figuring out that my nervous system was essentially ruining their childhood. because I just kept screaming and hollering and being so sporadic with how I showed up. Mm-hmm. Was there a defining moment for you when your kids were younger, or did you immediately see your responses? I think it was I was using alcohol. I was using um every time I didn't have them, I needed to be around people. And there came this embarrassing moment where I humiliated myself with drinking. I humiliated myself with the person I was having an affair with. I humiliated myself just utter humiliation. And it all happened around the same time frame that I was like, okay, you you gotta dig a little deeper because this is humiliating. And I knew at any point in time, if my ex-husband were to have found out what I was doing, I would have lost my kids. And so there came this moment where I was just in uh like instant clarity of like drinking isn't helping you in any capacity. The circle of people you're hanging with isn't helping you at any capacity. How you're talking about yourself isn't like all the things came at the same time from this one humiliating moment. And it was time to stop drinking. It was time to change the circle. It was time to start. Okay, if I don't know how to do this, where the hell am I gonna go? And I started diving into podcasts. I started diving into personal development. I started diving into new groups. I started going to church. Like I did all these new things that old Sam would have never done. She didn't do. um And sh so it was just like this new I had to rip it off because I was so humiliated by my actions I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I'm like, this is not how you want your kids to remember you. You could lose your kids at any point in time because of these behaviors and these actions. And so it was just it all came crashing at one moment, all at the same time. But then you worked on it. Some of us that are single parents, it's like if I fail and fall, where my kids go where? You know, I'm talking horrible about my house. I can't even tell you how bad the other house was on dysregulation. You know, it it was way worse on a different level. And so my kids were getting both ends of that at each house. And so I knew I had to make my house the calm house. I knew I had to get my shit together for my kids to have a place to release their shit. And so I had to make sure at my house that I came and showed up. I I was the one that had all of the things done. That it was regulated that yeah, they could drop something and they didn't get their head bit off. Yeah, they could be loud and it was okay. I had to show up for them, which meant I had to show up for myself first. I wanna totally pause on my planned questions and get back to the alcohol thing. Yep. Because it's something that we need to address. We know that drinking started happening more in COVID. We know that mummy juice is everywhere and there's yep. Shirts and cups and everything. What do have to say about the role of alcohol in your relationship and your parenting? To your your kids. I that I we could talk about this for a long time. I know. I would say I'm very open and honest. I've been sober almost three years now. and I will say when I went through my divorce, I was humiliated because I'm getting a divorce, right? It's shameful, it's regretful, a lot of guilt, all the feelings that I didn't know how to cope and deal with those feelings, right? I came from a household that you bury shit. You don't talk about stuff, you don't you keep stuff to yourself. You keep the household stuff in the house. You don't go out seeking help. You don't go out spreading it around town. And so I I'm home working on my own demons, and the only way I could get out of my head was drinking. And so when I didn't have my kids, I picked up the mom juice, right? And I would drink and I it's the only way I could fall asleep. That's how it started. I need a couple beers to take the edge off to fall asleep. Well a couple beers went to six beers. And then before you know it, every weekend I didn't have my kids, I was getting smashed to release, forget, Woe is me, my divorce is hard, my co-parenting journey's hard. I can you know, I need to be able to do this. When I had my kids on the following weekend, I spent time with my kids and I was fine. But when I didn't have my kids, I had alcohol. I mean, it was just, it's what I used to cope with all that was going on. My court case was out of control, going to court every three months, if not every other month. I was spending so much money on my divorce and co-parenting journey. I was fighting with my ex. My kids were all dysregulated. um Dad says this. then they're coming back. Dad says this. I had nowhere where to put that. I didn't have a therapist. I didn't have journaling. I didn't have any of the skills I have now. And so alcohol was my so-called release to bring it all down, right? And all that did was fuck up my brain, dysregulated my sleep, made my appetite horrible, my moods were so bad. because I would go without alcohol and then my body would be like, we can't sleep without alcohol, so what are you doing? And I'll be Well, I have my kids, I can't use it. So then I'd go not sleeping for three days. Right. And then I'd go back to when they're gone, and then I'd I'd drink and I'd sleep better. Like it was just this cycle of just abusing my body because I didn't have any skill set to do anything else. You you're defining what I've heard so often is it works until it doesn't. It does a great job at the start and it works until it stops working. I remember going to the doctor and saying, I need sleep aids because I'm up to six beers. And she was like, Well what do you mean? I said, I have to have six beers to sleep. I said, That's a fucking problem because I don't have my kids. You know, it's okay. But when I have my kids, I'm not sleeping. Yeah. And I said, And I can't have six beers because I'm a single parent. And she was like, Uh, first off, you're an alcoholic. Secondly, we need to figure out why you're not sleeping, you know, and a lot of it was the anxiety and the worked upness and everything else. And I had no skills to deal with my anxiety and what was happening in my life of a hundred things going a hundred miles an hour at a hundred a hundred times, you know, like I couldn't break anything down. So alcohol numbed me out to where I felt like I was doing my body a favor and all I did was wreck my body for years. Mm-hmm. so your kids never saw you drunk? You didn't drink in front of them? No, I didn't drink in front of my kids. I didn't need to. Now, if I'd go to my parents, I'd have a beer with dinner and that was it. I was able to turn it off for them. I could show up for my kids on my weekends and my days with them and it was just a rule I had. But if I didn't have my kids on Wednesdays and I didn't have my kids on the weekends, you best bet my ass was knee deep in some alcohol. Those days I could get through the couple days with my kids because I knew here came here came the weekend or here came a Wednesday that I could actually could drink. So you are y you saved your kids a world of hurt 'cause one of the things that I've seen so often is having that intoxicated parent on whatever substance need to acknowledge it does so much damage to our kids. So gratefully you didn't have that. But I over and over you know, I had kids that I worked with at the psych unit whose self worth was in the toilet 'cause they said my mom couldn't get sober from me or my dad kept drinking and he died now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very grateful for that. I also The reason I one of the reasons I quit just recently was, you know, my son was drinking excessively under the age and he wasn't twenty one and he was abusing it and here I am like, you need to knock it off. But then I remember in moments of my life that weren't great, I used alcohol too, and I'm like, I'm a fucking hypocrite. So I'm like, I'll quit, you quit and we both quit together and it was just like this magical moment wow um of quitting and then now I I could never go back. I I have the just this clarity and it there's so many great things about my life now and I was just a casual drinker in my forties. I was a You know, a a beer here and there. It wasn't anything like it was when I was going through my divorce. But yeah, I mean, knowing that my life and my journey now is so clear and crisp without the alcohol. And then being a role model for my kids that I've built this great business and alcohol would only regress that back down and screw that up because it just trashes so much of your life. Yeah. Kate, let's shift back now. So what you did is you saw you recognized you weren't regulated and you're yelling and screaming and your kids weren't feeling safe. And then you did something about it. Like what I really respect about you, Sam, is A, being so honest about it when we spoke before on that podcast, but also you went and you worked. So tell me, and for parents listening, uh and and teachers in the classroom, this is the same thing. What did you do? What did you learn? What was the most effective for you? Well, first I had to Go to people I trusted, which were my parents. Again, great people. I mean, they evolved super fast as I was aging up and got a lot more tools. But I had to go to my mom and be like, I don't want to be a screamer. I don't want to be a yeller. I don't want to, you know, do this. And she flat out said, she goes, What you're doing and who you're doing with isn't gonna ever change. It like nothing when your life will change if you have what you're doing and who you're doing it with still in your life. And I was like, So that was that embarrassing moment where my mom called me out, right? And so I had to change everything. And so by quitting drinking, number one, I dove into fitness. I just started working out at home, doing videos that were free in my basement. And so I started to really take care of my body, which helped with my sleeping. Um, and then I just really dove into therapy. I finally got a therapist for the first time, and it wasn't a yes man couch therapist, it was a challenging therapist that really questioned why are you doing the things you're doing to yourself? You know better than you you teach students, you know better than this, so why are you doing this? Um and so really called me out on some things and gave me some coping skills of when I would get heightened with my ex husband, how to talk myself down, how to cope with that, how to do some tapping, how to do breathing, how to do journaling, all the things. But then I really think one of the things that changed me was reading personal development books and just really diving into I'm more of a checklist kind of person. So if you re if I read something and I can check it off, okay, I did that today. Good. Then I'm achieving a goal that's in the positive versus like having a beer. Right. So I really like the checklist mindset of a personal development book that something that you relate to or something you're trying to strive for, something you're trying to live for. Where I think a lot of people in my field, when they become a single parent, they start to read books about toxic things like narcissism and that that wasn't gonna help me. I wanted to read about who I wanted to become, not what I was dealing with. And so I wanted to become organized. I wanted to become motivated. I wanted to become confident. I wanted to become, you know, a good mom. And so I started diving into books about that. And that really helped my mind sh and I had to do it every day. And just when I would start to like fall and I'd start yelling at my kids again or barking, I'd be like, hmm, when's the last time I journaled? When's the last time I did personal development? When's the last time I practiced gratitude? When's the last time I just sat with myself and did some breathing? It's been a couple days. Here I am showing up up again and I'm starting to yell, or I'm starting to think, Man, I need a drink, or man, I wish these kids weren't here, or man, I can't I'm I'm resenting everything. It's because I wasn't practicing all the good things that I had just quickly learned. And so That's when it all shifted when I really looked at how I was spending my free time, how I was spending my downtime. And even I did this stuff in front of my children. I'd be like, hey, let's all get a book out. I was reading, they were reading. They knew when I was working out at five o'clock in the morning, don't come down there for that bowl of cereal because I already set it on the counter. You already know how to take care of yourself. This is my two two percent of my day. I'm gonna work out. And so the kids already started seeing mom prioritizes herself. Where I think a lot of us think that that's selfish. It's not. My kids were like, Don't go down there. She's working out. She'll be done in 30 minutes. That's one episode of a show. We can survive without her. And she'll be up here in 30 minutes. And I was right. And so I think it was just changing my day to day tasks and putting good stuff in. It's not always about removing. Yeah, I removed alcohol, but what did I replace it with? You know, yeah, I moved the removed those toxic people, but what did I replace it with? You have to replace it with something. Otherwise, it's like real quick to go, like, yeah, but I know how this feels. I want to go right back to it because I now I have nothing to do. I had to replace it meet I started golfing. So I before I would go out and drink, right? As soon as work got over on the days I didn't have my kids. Now I'm out hitting balls. Now I'm out playing nine holes. And that was way more productive than just sitting at a bar smoking and drinking. I it's so important to acknowledge that we have to be whole. Mm-hmm. To be whole for our kids. Like it's you know, and I think a lot of parents don't feel that freedom that you need to have your own time to be able to then go and lean into your kids. Yes. Yeah. You don't. I mean, to me, like I I I associate it with like I remember coming home in childhood and we always called it the lunchbox theory. When my dad would walk in the door, it all depended on how he set his lunchbox down. Hmm. If he set it down and turned around and pivoted and left the room, abort, stay in your room, don't come out. But if he set it down and turned around and started talking, okay. You're okay. We would always just we didn't say a word to him 'til we saw when he set that lunchbox and he set it down the same spot every single day. And it was how he reacted right after that that told us how the rest of that night was gonna go. And I just knew I hated that as a kid. Right. And so to me it was like I wanna show up no matter how my day is at work. What can I do on the ride home to get all that shit figured out out of my system for that twenty minute ride home to be able to show up for my kids when I walk in that door because they need me. Or if I do come home dysregulated and all upset, I need to vocalize that and say, Hey, mom's gonna go take a hot shower. She needs 20 minutes when she comes out of the shower. She's gonna be a brand new person. I usu we did numbers a lot when my kids were small once I started to wake up to this. And I'd say, Hey, mom's at a nine. We don't want her at a ten. Okay, so mom's gonna go take a shower. Hopefully she goes back down to that three, four range. Okay, but I'll let you know what number I'm at I'm at when I walk out. So the kids would know, like, okay, she's gonna go take a shower and she's gonna come out. And I would say a shower worked for me ninety-nine percent of the time, right? I just needed that moment to go in there and breathe and to just to figure it all out. But I had to communicate that with my kids and not try to shelter them from it and not act like I was fine and then snap at them about every little thing. They knew I was dysregulated when I walked in the door. I knew it. They knew it, right? Nobody talked about it. We would start talking about it. And then what that led to is they would come home and be like, Mom, I'm angry. I'm at a nine. I'm getting ready to explode. Okay. Well, what are the things we can do to get you down to a three-four? You know? So this conversation was happening daily at my house. When they would walk in from their transition from their other house. You know, hey, what are you walking in at? Let me know what I'm dealing with. And they'd be like, uh, six, seven, I need a good snack and I think I'll be good. Okay. And then after there's a good snack, I'm at a five. Perfect. We can live at a five. Let's go. You know, and so we were constantly talking about our emotions and how we would feel. Because I don't know. I haven't been around you for three days. You know, I need to know what who's meeting me at the door and what do you need to feel your best. Right. But I had to show it from I had to teach, I had to show them that first. Well per a I so much. And you're modeling what your parents didn't model to you. So you're changing the script right. Changing what I didn't have. I mean, I I still to this day I I see my my parents and and I know they're they're they're going in grandparent mode, right? Everybody changes when they become a grandparent. Yeah, you do. And my my daughter is around them a lot. She's you know, nineteen years old. She's like, Grandma and grandpa are great. And I'm like Listen here, sister. Who you have as a grandparent, don't get it twisted, is not who I had as parents, right? And I'm sure for her children, who I show up as obviously won't be who I was for her as well. And she gets that because she sees me different with her little brothers who are thirteen years younger than her, than how I show up for her, right? And so she gets that there's a difference, right? And and I think for me, it's not about bashing my parents. They did the honestly really good for being sixteen and nineteen when they started. um to where they are now as grandparents. It's it's been a moment to watch, but so is my life on saying, Hey, these things happen to me too. I'm stopping the cycle and now we have new skill sets for us to pass down to generations to go. You also when we interviewed before told me really the the power of taking a moment in the middle of conflict. Yes. And when you were first learning, can you tell me about that? You you we use in the middle of conflict and you felt yourself rising. Yeah, it was like a a bird's eye view, right? So by this time in personal development, I'm in a little bit of therapy and I'm starting to realize like I would get this bird's eye view of myself going, Okay, you're just screaming to scream. You're dysregulated, you're yelling at them, you need to stop, you're getting ready to cross that line. And I I was up here and I could see the whole thing and I could see the looks on their faces. But when I'm doing it, I couldn't see their faces. I just saw Sam needs to get out her emotions, right? I didn't see my children standing there. And so when I got these bird's eye moments, I'm like, my gosh, you need to stop. So something that my son and I did, because I was the one that battled with him the most. Him and I, man, our personalities were so much alike. We would battle word vomit to each other, mean things just to get a rise out of each other all the time when he was a little kid. And so we both went to therapy and we both learned that we both are like that. And so we just had to have a code word that we would stop. Somebody would say the code word and that meant, mm, can't say another word until we have to calm down. We just needed ten minutes to leave the room. And to come back. But having that pause of saying, even if it he's not the one battling me, having that ability to be like, you know what? I'm gonna remove myself from this room and I'm gonna come back in 10 minutes. You going in in 10 minutes, scream, go holler, go jump in circles, tap, do whatever it is you need to do, release that, you're gonna come out completely different. For me, now it's still go outside, put my feet in the dirt. Sometimes I'll spin in a circle, just to get my di my nervous system dysregulated in a different direction and be like, And then I can come back and I'm so clear. But so many parents stay in the room, they keep yelling, they keep throwing the fit because they're not getting the reaction that's stopping the flow. Their kid, my walker was a blank stare. He would either blank stare at me, like look over my shoulder, which I would be like, look at me when I'm talking to you, you know? And he was trying to piss me off, and plus he was scared of me, looking over the shoulder. But then when he got older, he'd come back at me. Well, then now we're just, you know, we're tit for tat, we're going at it. Where Josie was the one that would be like, uh-huh, yeah, I just want it to be over. Like, yeah, whatever you want, Ma. And that's not any way to be either, because she grew up to be a people pleaser because of that. So the barking and the yelling, you have to get to your s to a point to where you can hear yourself and stop. Cause something inside of you is telling you to stop. You just keep pushing it down. You keep saying, But I need to say this one last thing, but I need to prove this point. I need it for this kid to agree with me. I need this kid to see my point. I need this kid to be scared or respect me. And it's like, Ooh, that kid is not gonna want a parent like you when they get older. I can tell you that right now, right? And so you have to stop. You have to stop going just for ten minutes. And I guarantee you if you give yourself ten, you're not gonna come show back up the same. And it's important to differentiate, it's not abandonment. You're not walking away from your child. You had a mutual understanding, your kids knew. Cause so many I think feel that they need to stick around, but your kids knew you need a break. Yeah. And I will be back. Yeah. And one of the things that I I coach my clients on, especially when their kids are like this, is that if your kid is dysregulated and coming for you and coming for you and coming, maybe being disrespectful. And you know, one of the things I would coach my my clients to say is, you know what? It seems like you're in an energy that I I don't deserve. I didn't cause it, but it seems like you're there. So I'm gonna remove myself. I'm gonna step away. I'm not making the kid who's already pissed off at the world leave the room because now I'm in a power authority control fight and that's not gonna go well. I'm gonna leave the room. And when I come back, we're gonna keep going in a positive direction. Our energies are gonna be down. When I come back, here's where a lot of parents go wrong. Are you better now? Did you lose your attitude? Are you are you gonna talk to me that way again? Now that kid's back up again because you're talking to him all sad. When I walk back in, I'm gonna assume everything's good. Now if he shows me energy that he's not well, I'm gonna say, We're still up here, huh? Okay, well, I'm gonna leave a little bit longer this time. Maybe you should go for a walk. Maybe you should do this. But if you don't want to, stay here. But I'm gonna go for fifteen minutes now. Yeah. I'm gonna let some time lapse where I just think that going back and forth and going back and forth, nobody's winning. Nobody is winning in that. And now you've said shit you can't unsay and and feelings are hurt and deep wounds. I mean, I I've called my kid a narcissist before. I've called my kid you're just like your dad before. Like I've said though you can't unsay that stuff, but it was me trying to Dig at a what 15-year-old? Are you kidding me? That was a me issue. That wasn't a 15-year-old issue. That was a that was a grown woman trying to have a fight with an adult, but a kid was present instead. And I lost my shit and said things I will never be able to take back. And so taking that break and being like, whoo, I need I'm I'm gonna step away for 10 minutes and set a timer. Shit. I mean, you got phones, you got a Lexa, set a timer and just give yourself the piece of a full 10 minutes. They're fine, they're not going anywhere and come back to it. But you have to walk away and get your shit together. Well, and what you just said, like that coming back, are you good now? Are you calm? I I'm listening to you thinking, and that's judgment. Yes. Everything you just said is judging. And what happens with kids is they shut down completely or they fire back. And maybe they're not ready in ten minutes. Maybe they needed twelve. Right. You know, and like had they had two more minutes, they would have been. But you going back and that I'm up here and you're way down here and like are you better? Just that way. Do you understand me? Like that kind of thing. I hated that as a kid, like 'cause I saw badly, no, I don't fucking you know, but I couldn't say that. Yeah. So so then I just get angry and then I don't show up the way they want me to show up. And now we're back to fighting again. And we're back to arguing. And I really just think I I think what I've gotten so much better at with this second set of kids is I may be in a great mood. But if my kids were thrown off at school, they're coming back dysregulated. I need to help them figure out a way to get them regulated. If I'm at work and I'm dysregulated and I show up and they're in a good mood, I need to figure out a way for me to regulate down to the I have to see that this isn't uh them issue versus me. This is I need to get my shit together before I show up for them. And vice versa. If they show up dysregulated, I gotta help them until they know all of the tools on how to do it themselves. Kids don't know these th I didn't. And I became an adult that didn't know them and then I started parenting without tools. You have to get them somewhere. And I think everybody's different. You know, I I love journaling now. It's my it's my go to to release and to really word vomit the things I want to say out loud and the things I'm feeling and and sensing. But I think every parent's different. I still go outside. I mean I just think you have to recognize that you're in a code red, you're at a nine ten, and we need to calm ourselves back down. You know, when you're drinking, you're at a nine ten all the time because you just you're using all of that to hide behind what's really the problem, you know, insecurities or whatever it is. And I I just think showing up for your kids in the real version that you want to, you'll be proud of yourself. I have a lot of shame in the way I showed up for my s first set of kids. Now we've all been to therapy and we've done an apology tour and they see me parenting in a great light to their younger siblings and they're so proud of me because of that. And they talk about that all the time. And it's really important that I did change. I could not have parented these two kids. It would be exhausting, by the way. I don't have I'm in my almost fifty. I can't I could never have parented that intense on these second set of kids. I I thought everything was a big deal. Everything needed to be addressed. Everything needed to be yelling. Every like it was way too much. It was way too much. So meeting your kids where where they need you to be, I think is the key takeaway for me now with the second set. So like if they need me to be. More lovey dovey, then that's what I need to be. If they need me be be more protective, then that's what I'll be. But me showing up dysregulated is never what they need me to be. Yeah. Never. I have one more thing I want to talk to you about before we do my wrap up questions that take us back to our goal is that you commented that earlier on you took breaks and had that moment of emotional regulation, but that you're doing it less now. Mm-hmm. You don't have you're not erupting like you used to. So can you talk to me about that journey of that the early Times of taking that break, recognizing mindfulness, and now that that's happening less. What's gone on in your brain? What's gone on in your body as you've worked on that over however many years? Decade. Uh first off, cleaning up all my triggers, getting triggers out of my life. My my first job of teaching was a huge trigger. I was dysregulated every day coming home. So I mil I built my own business, work for myself, right? Um, taking out the alcohol, removing triggers that cause me to be dysregulated was the I think the first cleaning house, you know, having a clean house, literally, was was a trigger. For me, clutter makes me have chaotic moments, right? And so knowing my husband now, he knows he he can't stand that he has to make the bed every day. But for me, seeing an unmade bed is a trigger for me and it kinda heightens me to where I'm like, I need I need that made, you know. So uh removing triggers is number one, but number two, this is a new one for me. Feeling my body. What is my body really feeling right now? Am I feeling anger? Probably not. I'm feeling probably scared about something or anxious about something or something else is bot and I'm covering it with anger, right? And so really tapping into what does my body feel like? What does it need? It probably needs a hug, it probably needs attention, it probably needs to be validated, it probably needs to have some self-care. Like That for me has been huge of just sitting with my body and letting it feel that intensity, but then really like reversing it and following the line of like where does it originate from and really tapping in and labeling that versus like I'm so angry right now. Okay, but about what? And where is it st is it stemming from my brain? Is it stemming from my heart? Is it stemming from a body? Is it in my stomach? Like where is it coming from? Is it a past trauma that's made itself, itself surface up here? Versus I think I just walked around with a whole bunch of childhood shit and didn't know what it was and just labeled it as, this is a horrible divorce, this is a horrible situation, I'm poor, I'm struggling as a single mom. Like I had all this victimhood around it and I wasn't going back to the root cause. So I think the reason I don't have to do it as much, I've eliminated triggers, I have really good like red fl I know when it's coming so I can get way ahead of it and remove myself and go have some time. Um, but I think communicating about it to all the people in my life too, being honest about it and owning it versus acting like it's the elephant in the room that people talk about me behind my back about it. Now I own that mom gets easily triggered by certain things. Sounds are real emp big for me. So like everybody knows, you know, go ahead mom. If you're gonna be loud, go ahead and mom the noise canceling headphones, you know, and just I eliminate some triggers that make you so dysregulated, I think is is key. And knowing that That's just maybe who you are. I'm I had a very loud childhood, so loud noises bother me. And so I have to get ahead of those and know if I'm gonna be in a loud setting, what do I have to do? You know, put my loops in and that way it decreases. For me, it's the eliminating triggers. Mm-hmm. It also seems that your brain's re rewired. Oh, definitely. Definitely. Rewiring this neuroplasticity of of having the ability earlier on to calm because you've d like do it, redo it. Learn crackle. I failed I'm like, okay, that didn't work for me. That didn't work. But also realizing math. I was only in my childhood for eighteen years. I've been an adult longer. Yeah. Childhood can be your your, you know, like, hey, foundation, it was created, but like I can pave over that foundation or or rewire it or fix the cracks because I've been an adult a lot longer. And at this point, it's like, Okay, but I am who I am because of who I am. Like not because of my childhood anymore. It's because of who I am. So like I need to have better tools as as to who I am to be able to cope with deal with it. Because dysregulation events are gonna happen all the time. And so you have to be ready for them and not act like they're never gonna exist again because you've taken away all the triggers or you've fixed everything in your life. It's still gonna happen. Somebody else may trigger you, you know, a household member may be bothered and that could pull you down again. So you have to be ready for it at any point. But feeling it, I can sense it. The second my body starts to feel a certain way, I'm like, oop, let's get ahead of it. So that this doesn't I don't need to be in the tin range. I would say I haven't gotten a tin range. I had a an anxiety attack probably a couple weeks ago. I I I made a post about it. That was the first thing like level ten that I had been at in two years. Wow. Wow. Because I've just gotten so ahead of vocalizing this is what I need, this is what my body's telling me, this is what I need from you. I'm gonna remove myself. Like I've just gotten so used to getting ahead. versus like waiting for it and then be like, let's see what happens. Let's see if I can handle it this time. No. Right. Right. Mm-hmm. Well, it's it's such a story of hope for so many people who were raised in homes that they weren't equipped. Yeah. To to be calm parenting. Okay. I always do three wrap up questions. It's my standard of just taking us back to that goal of how do we keep calm in moments of conflict with our kids. So we talked about a lot of things of Self-regulation. What do you think the main hurdle is with all of this? Like just ra nailing that down, the main hurdle of self-regulation. I would say the main hurdle could be for I mean, for me, was just owning I I think I thought for a long time that this is just who I was. um I labeled it as this is who I was. I'm just a high intense person. I'm just an anxious per I I literally labeled myself as like I'm just somebody that has anxiety and gets really bothered by a lot of things. And I would say now I that's not even no, I'm not that at all. It was just a label I put on myself and I was okay with that label. And I think that was was high decade I did that to myself. I just labeled myself that way. And I think that was wrong of me. It was wrong of doctors to be like you're somebody that just needs, you know, you're you're anxious and you just need meds forever. And again, I'm not against the meds, but for me, it's like once I got told that, that's who I was. And it was like, No, I I actually am not that person. I can be that way sometimes for sure, but that's not who I am. And I and I really thought I was this high strung, high intense, you know, just dramatic person all the time. And then now I'm not at all. And it's like so different. So different. It's like breaking the assumption that you're gonna be like this your life. Yes. And you don't have to be. Yeah. Well, this is all I know and this is all I want. No, then go learn to be somebody different. Totally. There's freedom. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, number two. What changed in your relationship with your kids once you built that skill in terms of like what did your kids get from you that they couldn't get from you before when you were not regulated in those moments? you're gonna make me cry. Um I will tell you, it's a it's it's a day-to-day joy to be their parent. And I think when you're going through a divorce, you do all this work to keep them for the 18 years that you have them. And what you don't realize is you have them for the lifetime. And so even though my kids got a dysregulated mom for probably the first 10 years of their life, they've had really great at the last eight years, was fine. But the first 10 years was utter chaos. And what I know that they're proud of me on is that they have a decade of horrible foundational things, but they have a lifetime with me of being their person. I'm their person when something goes wrong or right. I'm their joy phone call that they get to brag and say, this is what I accomplished. This like because I put the work in to be the calm one, they call when they're not calm. And they know they're calling their mom to fix it. And I will get them regulated because they know that I have the tools. Which blows my mind because when they were little they knew I didn't have the tools. But they know I've worked my ass off to gain as much knowledge in my brain and to figure out what works best for me to be the sense of calm that they can call when chaos hits them. And I am forever grateful for the work that I went and I'm so grateful that I went through the hell I went through. I mean, they're changing lives too with what they do and they're they're helping people and they're that point of contact in their friends group and They're that person that can see people struggling before that person probably even knows they're struggling. And I just know that we all went through that because we needed to um to help more people. But I'm so grateful that they can see the work I've put in. Okay, so can I just say you have just described what every child wants in any parent. Mm-hmm. You've just set it out. Yeah. I mean, just to know that like my kids call and brag about stuff. Just so they can hear me say, I'm so proud of you. You know and then I'll re It's not just about this moment, but like remember what you did to get here. You did this, you did this. I just sent them a text this morning, and this is this is how we talk to each other. And I just want to share this. I said, um, good morning. Let's get after it this week. It's the last week in February, month out from a special event. How can I help you this this last six days? How can we better our lives in these last six days? Let's get after it and see who needs us this week. Wow. Like This is we're a family that wants to make sure we're humble. We're a family that makes sure that we know we've been through some shit and there's probably somebody that we touch a life of every day that we need to like extend to before this month ends. Like how can we change someone's life before this month ends? And I think this is from all of us being in therapy and all of us doing personal development and wanting to be better people and to not let our childhood, their childhood, navigate who they are the rest of their lives. Yeah. Yeah. There's there's the power. Mm-hmm. The power. Yeah. Here's my last question. Of everything that you've said, you've you've said such great stuff of tangible strategies. But for a parent listening right now who didn't have this model to them either, who is still reactive and still yelling and honestly feels like this is just who they are, what is the one thing, the one single thing you want them to know that you could put on a t shirt? Mm. wow, like five hundred things went flashing. I know. I through my head. I thought was a really good question. I'm gonna steal them. Um, I think first and foremost I'd want them to know that they're gonna be okay. That if they've heard this podcast, it's for a reason. That this is their one embarrassing moment, that they related to too much of what I said and they're embarrassed and they go, Okay. This is a rock bottom. She pretty much diagnosed everything that I've been doing and what I've been living and how I've been acting and how I've been showing up and how I've had shame and how I feel bad about it. Today's the day to change. You will be okay if you change. Is it gonna be hard work? Yeah. Are you gonna fuck up and and readdress your kids in the way you just you read a whole book and you're like, but I screwed up yesterday. Yeah, guess what? Read another book. Listen to another podcast. Like Just because I learned the skills doesn't mean I went 100% cold turkey and went into perfection mode and was like this calm and I still regressed, but I was quicker on the reflection. I was quicker on the recall. I was quicker on the apology. I was quicker on that. That wasn't about you, that was about me. I should have said something before I I even got home. I should have warned you, blah, blah, blah. I think it's gonna be okay if you recognize it. Yeah. You have to own that you're not, you're not proud of yourself. I was not proud of how I was showing up. I was not happy with myself. It's going to be okay, backside of the shirt, if you self-reflect. You have to self-reflect. And I'm in a coaching right now, and one of the questions she asked me every day about business is she said, What's your satisfaction level every day? And I thought, wow, I could really change that into my business and say, ask these parents, how are you satisfied with your parenting today? Right. You know, and I wasn't satisfied for the first 10 years. It was ugly. And now I feel so satisfied in how I show up for my kids. I mean I message them, I reach out to them, I answer the phone when they call, I send them little things, like I remember the smallest details about their day and ask them about it. My my son sells plants, so I'll I write down all the plant names and I'll like, Hey, how's your last allocation doing? Yeah. You know, and he's it's not just like how are your plants? I remember the details because that's important to him, so it needs to be important to me. And so I think in this dysregulation, are you paying attention to the details? Do you really know who your kid plays with at recess? Have you caught the name? Do you remember? Or are you so bogged down with like your life, your victimhood, your story, your drama that you're not paying attention to the little detailed teardrops that your kid's giving you about who they are? It's taking responsibility for what we do, but we have to do that without shame. Like calling it, owning it. You own it and now you move on. Like we're not crippled. It's gonna be okay. Yes. We we need to take responsibility, I think. And we're taking responsibility, I believe, less in this society. Yes. But how we can do that shame free and guilt free. And just you've just outlined the hope and the promise. Yeah. I it's just about that self-reflection of like if you're not satisfied with how you're showing up as a parent and there's things about you that bring shame, then let's change it. Let's let's learn a new trick. Let's let's try a new tool. Let's try a new method. And there's nothing wrong with going to your kids and being like, Okay, let's just have co a group call with each other, like sit on the table, maybe do it all your kids, maybe do one at a time. And you just say, what's something about me you'd love to see me work on? What's something that I need to keep doing? What's something I probably need to like do less of? And then I'm gonna do it back for you too. And it could be you're a horrible cook, mom, you don't keep a clean house, or man, I don't like the way you come home from work and you just yell at us right away. Don't take it personally, absorb it. Go give yourself a ten minute break, come back, reassess and be like, Okay, it sounds like I need to do a better job of maybe getting home from work. I need to do a better job of maybe getting a cookbook. I need to do a better job of like, let's do a group cleanup before we you know Like you have to ask them how are you doing? How are they satisfied with you and be ready for the answer because maybe you're doing something great that you haven't even noticed, right? And tap into that. And then tap into the things they want you to work on. But you already probably deep down know what you need to work on. Yeah. You just need to say it out loud and do it. Yep. That is so fantastic. Samantha Boss, where can we find you? Anywhere. Anywhere and everywhere. The ugly truth of divorce is absolutely everywhere. Um I love to be on all the social medias, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube. the podcast, like I said, just dropped. Or you can just go to my website, SamanthaBoss.com, and and I again build custom parenting plans for people. The next chapter I'm also super proud of that I have with Leah, that is where we coach women, moms only, on being dysregulated and how to help calm them down and give them the tools to navigate this next step. When you don't have all the tools, you weren't raised with the right tools. That is a place that you can go get that the next chapter. Thank you so much for your time this morning. Thank you. Thanks for listening. If this helped you, share it with a parent who needs to hear it. I am Dr. Suzanne Simpson. You'll find me across social media and I will see you next time.