Get on Their Turf with Dr. Suzanne Simpson

How to Connect With a Teenager Who Has Shut You Out

• Dr. Suzanne Simpson • Episode 56

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0:00 | 11:23

If your teenager has completely shut you out, reconnecting starts with getting on their turf, not with another lecture.

I'm Dr. Suzanne Simpson, and after thirty years working with teenagers, including five and a half years inside a youth psychiatric unit, here is what I know for certain: you cannot influence a child you do not connect with.

In this episode, I break down how to reconnect with your teenager, starting with what most parents get wrong first, what taking initiative actually looks like, and why listening well matters more than having the right words.

I spent a year asking twenty-five teenagers in a psychiatric unit what they needed most. It came down to this: they want to be pursued, not fixed.

0:00 When your teenager shuts you out 

0:47 What do they want to do 

1:09 Where do they want to be 

1:50 How are they feeling 

2:31 The core parenting shift 

2:59 What this is not 

3:50 What 25 teenagers in a psychiatric unit taught me 

4:48 Making time, even when it is hard 

5:48 3 ways parents stop listening 

7:24 Practical ways to show up 

8:12 What happens when you get on their turf 

10:11 You do not have to be perfect

Find my interview playlist on YouTube Dr Suzanne Simpson, at Get On Their Turf:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HC8JprFdrPA&list=PLi7xFsX7h7tdxBsVx38UIRVrvnCc_9IBW


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Please note that the contents of this website are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My scope of practice is as an educator, and this work is intended to provide information for educational purposes only. Testimonials of lived experiences are opinion only and have not been scientifically evaluated.

I'm Dr. Suzanne Simpson, and welcome to Just Me on Get On Their Turf. If you're here, chances are you're looking for ways to reconnect with your teenager when things are tough. This podcast is built on my doctoral research with teenagers in crisis, and decades of sitting in classrooms with students. And I'm here to help you shift from not only understanding teen behaviour, but to find connection with your kids. If your child is disconnected from you, or they're behaving really poorly, or they're defiant, or you feel that they're slipping away, there is a way to connect that I know is surefire. Sometimes they are completely disconnected in your own home, and it's exhausting because nothing seems to break through. And maybe you feel invisible in your own home.

And if you feel that you're failing, I want to tell you this:

the solution to all of this is that you get on your child's turf. What do I mean by that? I mean that you get on their turf. For example, with what do they want to do? So, do you want to go for a bike ride? Do you want to go to the mall? Do you want to just watch a show? Doing things together and asking that question is number one to get on their turf. Go, just spend time with them. You don't have to ask anything deep, it's just that time together. So, what do they want to do? But then, where do they want to be? Kids want you to take initiative. So what does that mean? Go knock on their bedroom door versus them having to find you in your office. That's showing connection, and that you care, and just knock on the door and maybe sit on the carpet and have a little chat, or go to their baseball games and football games and dance classes and be there with them in their space. Because with that pursuit, we show our kids that they matter. And then here's the third one of getting on their turf. What that means is, how are they feeling? How are they doing? So what I mean by this is actually truly understanding the experience that they are going through. One thing right now that's huge in our culture, and we know around the world, is anxiety.

So let me use that as an example:

debilitating anxiety. I don't understand anxiety myself. I've never had it. It was not in my upbringing, which is, I've been told, pretty amazing. I actually had to learn the feelings that are not rational of anxiety. So when I say get on the turf, I mean go get to their level of how they are feeling emotionally, psychologically, so that you can empathize better and have a better grasp of what they're going through.

So here's a core parenting shift:

this is not to correct them, getting on their turf. The whole idea of getting on their turf is that you just connect.

And huge, which I just said, is that self-worth:

building them up, you matter, I see you. You're also not trying to fix them, but understand them. And that's where that influence starts as a parent. It's not from your control, but from you being present in all of these ways of what they want to do, where they want to be, or how they are. Here's some things that are not getting on the turf, and this is where missteps can be made. I'm not talking about hovering. I'm not talking about standing over them if they want space. I'm also not saying that you go and fix everything, because our kids more than ever need to be allowed to fall down. They need to be allowed to scrape their knees. They need to be allowed to fail a test so that they can learn from that. So I'm not talking about fixing. We can support them in their problems, but don't step in and fix everything, because our kids are going to learn nothing. I'm also not talking about putting yourself in their emotional space, like really trying to get in there. And even though you might mean well with all of these intentions, kids tend to feel smothered or pushed. And what happens is it can drop respect. So that is not what I mean by getting on their turf. It's about being intentional. That's one thing. Here's another thing, and this one's huge, and this came out of my research from youth at a psychiatric unit. It is about taking initiative. I'm not saying push the initiative, but taking the initiative. I spent a year asking 25 teenagers at a youth psychiatric unit about what they needed for support.

And here's something that came up constantly:

they want to be pursued. I mean that they want the adult in the room to take initiative, initiative in their well-being, initiative in that time spent together, initiative in going to them and being where they want to be, because our initiative says, you matter. I see you. You are worthy. And I think that you are so fantastic that I want to spend this time with you. That is such a powerful thing for kids to know. And it was one thing that my students, that I was there for almost five and a half years at that psychiatric unit, they didn't feel that they had many people in their lives taking that initiative. So let's talk about action. What do you actually do with this?

So here's the first thing:

just having time. It is so hard for working parents, I know, to sometimes navigate all of that, and I myself have found recently it's really hard, with me spending so many hours on building this brand, to be able to shut down and take that time.

Here's something else, though, and this one's key to getting on their turf:

stop talking for a bit. So what I mean by that is, if your kid is chatting to you, listen well. So stop the talking all the time, so that you can really listen to what your kid's saying.

And then, along those lines, is the same thing:

I want you to consider how you are listening in that time with your child. So let's talk about listening for a second, to get on your child's turf. Specifically, consider these questions when your kid's talking to you. Am I listening just for the sake of listening? Like, am I actually listening, or going through the motions of listening? Because I'm a parent and I'm supposed to be listening. And by the way, I think teacher parents are the worst, because we do this in class all the time. I'm supposed to, but are you really? That's one.

Here's another thing to consider about listening as you connect with your kids:

are you listening to verify your own assumptions? Here they go again, they're complaining about X, Y, and Z. They're complaining about how I didn't pick them up on time from school, whatever that is. And when kids launch complaints at our own parent behaviour, it's really hard to not consider our own assumptions of 'here we go again,' rather than just pausing and waiting and seeing what they have to say.

And then, along those lines, here's number three of how to listen to get on your kids' turf:

we often listen, ready for this, to plan our next response.

So if your kid's going off at you about whatever you did wrong, we all do this:

start thinking of what I'm going to respond with.

And I think we all do this, but I want you to consider that then, in your next conversation, when there's maybe a bit of conflict:

am I planning my next response? So instead, reflect again. Just pause and listen, and even take a few moments to consider, to say, 'let me think about this for a second.' Really hard to do, but I believe that it's possible to acquire that skill. So let's move on from listening. To get on your kids' turf, you're going to start asking what they want and how they're feeling, and go attend their games, like I said. Ask sometimes, 'how can I support you?' Or, you know what, even a little thing is food. Like, make a favourite meal or help make their lunch if they're having a rough day and they're older. Or maybe make a favourite dinner. And one last thing is, if they don't want to talk to you, what you can do is just hold off, okay, and then come back to them later. Maybe wait a day or two and say, 'hey, I just want to check in about that.' Or, 'how are you feeling about whatever you were upset about yesterday?' So that they know you're remembering. Cause often in the moment, kids don't want to talk, and maybe it takes them months to talk about it later. You can't pressure, but just checking in again and making that mental note to do that.

Here's what happens when you do get on your child's turf:

you're connecting right there. You're holding on to your kids, and you are connecting. This might not happen at once, and if you have a really contentious relationship with your child, you start earlier on. Like, do you want to, what do you want to do? Like, do you want to go for a walk? Or just no questions, just getting on their turf with what they want to do. And as that grows, you can get more into dialogue. And so then, what happens when you get on their turf is it becomes organic that they're feeling safe with you. So they open up more. And hopefully this keeps building and building as you get on their turf, also with how they are, right? Learning their emotions, that you can get into really deeper dialogues, that they're going to be more vulnerable with you, and especially if you can be vulnerable with them as well, with your problems. Another thing that getting on their turf does is that you can stop fighting for control. Usually, when we have harmony in relationships, the control factor comes out, and then the home can become more peaceful. Also, I want to suggest that your kids feel safer because of that connection, so safety grows in the home. But the biggest thing is that your child feels that they matter. And this world today is so difficult, and we know globally that kids are struggling. We know that mental health disorders have as much as doubled since 2010. So when you get on your child's turf, all of that has a foundation. And then, when they know that they matter, they can have growth in their own wellness and mental health. And on the lines of mental health, be able to speak to you more about that, because we want kids that are strong and resilient and safe.

My final words are:

you don't have to be perfect. No parent is perfect. And I am very vocal about mistakes that I have made and taking responsibility for that. But your kids want you to show up. I'm not talking about specific strategies. I'm talking about just moments in time where you do come face to face with your child and you're on their ground. And maybe this is rebuilding what feels broken. This isn't a theory. I know that this works. And I asked 25 kids, and it all did come down to this. I have a passion to be able to help parents get on your kids' turf in this big, bad, crazy world, because I know that there is hope and I know that our kids want that relationship with you. So never negate that. Follow me for more about this. I have a whole bunch of different interviews on my podcast. And I'd love some comments dropped. Click like on that little link below, and I'll see you next time.