Narcissistic Parents & the Wounds They Leave

In this powerful episode of Mystic Mom, we dive deep into the complex dynamics of having a narcissistic parent. From understanding narcissistic traits to the emotional impact on children, we explore what it really feels like growing up with a parent who makes everything about themselves. Krystie unpacks the emotional neglect, inconsistent love, and lasting scars—and why trying to change a narcissist only leads to more hurt.

We also reflect on the spiritual meaning behind why our souls may have chosen this path—and how we can break the cycle, heal our attachment wounds, and show up differently for our own children.

Transcript

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Welcome to Mystic Farm, where we dive into the extraordinary spiritual bond between parent and child. I'm your host, Christy, and today's episode is all about narcissistic parents.

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From the definition of narcissism to how it affects a child, and also why you should not try to change them.

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We hear the word narcissist all the time, but what does it actually mean? Narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder in which someone has a grandiose sense of self and feels like they are deserving of constant admiration.

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There's a belief of being superior to others. There's a sense of entitlement and most importantly, a lack of empathy.

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They are able to point out everyone else's shortcomings but don't see any in themselves.

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There's rarely, if ever, any apologize or taking accountability for their actions because there is a genuine belief that they are never the problem.

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If you think about the term, it's their world and you're just living in it. That's when it can feel like being in a relationship with someone. On the narcissistic spectrum.

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It is important to note that there is a spectrum of narcissistic traits. Someone can be narcissistic, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they have narcissistic personality disorder.

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Many individuals who went through trauma as a child can present with narcissistic traits. It is also suspected that we are seeing more narcissism in individuals today due to technology and social media addiction.

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The spectrum can go from slightly narcissistic to severe narcissism. However, for purposes of today's episode, we are going to be focusing on narcissistic traits and what that looks like in parenthood.

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The reality of being a child of a narcissistic parent looks different in everyday life. As a therapist, a big tell of a parent being narcissistic is that no matter what their child is going through, the parent always finds a way to make it about themselves instead of the child. This could be a way that inflates the parent's ego, such as I'm the greatest parent ever and you are good at sports because I helped you to be good at it, or in a negative way, such as if their teen child is gone through a breakup.

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Their parents may say, oh, it's because I'm the worst mother in the world and never showed you the right example of a healthy relationship. Whether it's positive or negative experience, the parent will find a way for it to be about them being responsible for the outcome or inflate their experience of the outcome, such as them saying, I can't stand to see you so upset about this.

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Seeing you struggle is so hard for me, I can't handle it. In these situations, it always becomes the parent's experience of it is more important than their child's.

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parenting example of how a narcissistic mother might behave is, let's say, as a kid, you had a dance recital. You start the day by going to your mom, but instead of her asking you how you are feeling, she immediately starts with, I'm so stressed about today. Make sure you do your hair this way and don't forget this outfit, and then proceeds to go into complaining about the time or place of the recital and other things.

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When you try to say I'm nervous for the show or show your feelings. She responds with, how do you think I feel? We paid a lot of money for you to do this. Do you think this is how I wanted to spend my weekend or something along those lines? In this interaction, she was so consumed with her own experiences and feelings that she could not be there for yours, which is the norm of narcissists.

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They are so overly consumed with themselves, their feelings, they attribute every experience to mean something about or for them. That there is no space for anyone else's.

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Another example would be let's say a teenager is struggling with depression, but his narcissistic parent responds with oh, because I'm such a horrible dad, you have nothing to be depressed about. When I was a kid, I had blah blah blah going on and I didn't need therapy, so you don't need it.

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In this situation, the parent personalized their child struggle and then completely negated it. Narcissistic parents have an incredibly difficult time holding space or acknowledging their child's experiences, emotions, thoughts, wants, or needs.

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They don't prioritize the child's needs, especially if it leads to a sacrifice on their end. And an extreme example would be a parent not taking their child to necessary doctor's appointment, or not going to a big event like their graduation because they would prefer to go fishing or relax at home.

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This parent is not able to weigh the scales of what is super important to their child.

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Don't get me wrong, as parents we overlook things sometimes or where unaware of how important something may be to our child like them attending a classmate's birthday party or them joining a sports team. We're human with narcissistic parents. These situations are the norm, extreme and excessive. There is a huge block and leads to not being able to healthily attach and connect.

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It is so much more severe than just a selfishness. It's a genuine inability to connect.

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Children of narcissistic mothers usually develop an insecure attachment style, most commonly called disorganized or anxious attachment, because their childhood included emotional neglect and inconsistencies.

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A child's emotional needs cannot be adequately met by a narcissist.

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We see in motherhood how it requires so much selflessness and sacrifice, especially in the early years.

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Narcissistic parents are able to provide physically for their child. They can put food on the table and pay for recreational activities, and even have fun together, but they are not able to emotionally connect in the selfless and intimate way that parenthood really requires. Many children of narcissists have a hard time trusting others in the future, and have a fear of abandonment because of love and emotional connection they received in childhood was so inconsistent.

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A child usually ends up with a low self-esteem because of the message that they always got was you're not important enough. When a child is neglected, they get the message that you are not good enough or worthy of my attention, my time or my love, which becomes internalized so then can become overcompensating in relationships to feel worthy of love.

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In psychology, it is called the fawn response, where we become these people pleasers and A-plus students who are perfectionists because at some point in our lives, we found that was a way to get love and attention. Or it may result in the opposite, where the child develops behavioral issues because negative attention is better than no attention.

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Growing up with a narcissistic parent is incredibly painful because you always end up feeling disappointed, let down, alone, and that you are never enough.

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However, there's a very specific and different sort of pain when it's someone's mother that is the narcissist, and mothers are a first opportunity for connection and attachment. Traditionally, they have the more nurturing and caretaking demeanor and are meant to respond to our needs, especially early on. As children, we are able to read energies even if we don't have the words for it.

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So having a mother with the inability to emotionally care and connect with you is felt.

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Now, what I'm going to say next may shock you, but you should never try to change a narcissist. And here's why. You emotionally put yourself in a position to guaranteed get hurt again. A true narcissist does not respect boundaries and does not have the capacity to genuinely act and show up in the way that you may want them to.

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And the reason I say genuinely is because even if this parent was to do the things you ask them to do, maybe it's to call more or help out or show interest in your life. They may do it as a way of checking a box, but it wouldn't be genuine, natural, ill, or really even feel good for you.

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And they will most likely have a terrible attitude or demeanor around it. While also expect a lot of admiration and praise for these basic tasks.

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So what are you supposed to do if, as an adult, you are aware that one of your parents is a narcissist, or has a lot of narcissistic traits and you know you're not able to change them?

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Where does that leave you?

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First off, getting a therapist who is experienced in this area, who is familiar with narcissistic abuse, attachment styles and family systems can be self healing. Second, going on your own healing journey around your self belief is reworking those core beliefs of not being good enough and learning how to trust others. This could be done through individual council and group counseling and a child work and self-help tools.

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This is why having a counselor throughout this process can be helpful, because it offers you the opportunity to be vulnerable and supported in a safe way that you may not have experienced previously.

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There are also great educational resources you could use to look up narcissistic abuse. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, and attachment styles.

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Now, in terms of the spiritual meaning of why would our souls choose to be born into a narcissistic parent, a dynamic or household?

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Perhaps one of your soul contracts is to learn your own worth, despite the way that others treat you. Or maybe you're an old soul and there's a spiritual connection between you and that parent that needs to be worked through in this lifetime that wasn't worked through in previous months. There are countless maybes or what ifs. However, it is my belief that us deep feeling emotional, spiritual and loving souls are born into difficult dynamics because it offers the difficult family the opportunity to change.

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A difficult family, having a loving soul born into it, seeks up the family and gives them the chance to be softer, more kind, empathetic and loving.

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Whether the parents choose to make the changes is up to them. And unfortunately, some don't take this opportunity or are able to learn these things in this lifetime, which is really tragic on their end.

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If you think about it.

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And do your own healing and growth, you can live very differently than the dark or hard years of your childhood.

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So offer yourself some grace and love and acknowledgment for you being you despite what you were born into,

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and give yourself credit for breaking some of these generational traumas and patterns for your own children.

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Thank you for listening. And until next time, love, heal and live. Mystic mom.