Why Leadership Sometimes Feels Heavier Than It Should

Leadership can be going “well” and still feel heavy. That quiet weight shows up as hesitation, second guessing, and the nagging sense that you are behind, even when people trust you and the role looks like a win from the outside. I unpack why that feeling is so common for busy leaders and emerging leaders, and why it often has far less to do with confidence than we assume.

I share a story from early in my career when I stepped into a promising project that quickly turned into chaos: unclear structure, shifting direction, competing expectations, and mounting ambiguity. When the project was eventually shut down, I had to communicate the decision and watch the room go silent as 14 people absorbed news that changed their lives. That moment taught me something lasting about leadership presence: people do not need perfection, they need steadiness, clarity, and a leader who stays with them when emotions run high.

From there, we move into one of the most practical leadership development tools I have ever used: “Be the straw.” Like a straw that conveys liquid without holding onto it, leaders can learn to let fear, frustration, and even unfair criticism pass through without carrying it home. We talk about emotional boundaries at work, discerning what you can influence versus what you cannot control, and what leadership readiness really looks like when the stakes are real. If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a leader who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the clarity to make their next clear move.

Transcript

Welcome And The Hidden Weight

Debbie Peterson 0:00

Hey, hello, and welcome back. I am Debbie Peterson of Getting to Clarity, and this is another episode of the Getting to Clarity Podcast, your next clear move. And one of the things that I've noticed over the years, working with leaders, emerging leaders, young professionals, is that many of them are carrying weight that they don't even realize that they're holding. It might be something from a previous role, a difficult situation, a moment where things went sideways and they'd buried it, right? And they at even a subconscious level decided to carry the responsibility for it. But the problem is that over time that weight shows up as hesitation, second guessing, or simply feeling like leadership is harder than it should be. And that's today's episode. I want to share a story from my own career and a simple lesson that helped me understand what truly belongs to me as a leader and what doesn't. I hope you enjoy. Stay tuned.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Welcome to the Getting to Clarity Podcast.

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The place where busy leaders discover how to create more success in their leadership journey with less sacrifice in their life.

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Here's your host, Debbie Peterson of Getting to Clarity.

The Project That Fell Apart

Be The Straw Metaphor

Let Pressure Pass Through

Debbie Peterson 1:17

You know, there are moments in leadership when everything appears to line up exactly the way that it should. People trust your judgment and they're looking to you for direction. Great. On the surface, everything is working well. And yet, something about the experience feels heavier than you expected it would. Now, this is not burnout, it's not panic, but it's simply a weight that you feel it settles in and really doesn't lift. So many capable leaders incorrectly interpret that feeling as personal failure. So it's it's not going the way that they thought it should. They assume that they must not be ready or that perhaps they lack the confidence that others have in similar roles. Some even convince themselves that everyone else has leadership figured out and they are the only ones who are struggling to keep up. But leadership often feels heavy for reasons that have little to do with capability. Sometimes that weight is a signal and one for you that, hey, the situation itself deserves a closer look. So early in my career, I was placed into a role that sounded exciting and full of possibility. It was, you know, the vision for the project was compelling. I was so excited to be a part of it. But the reality, however, quickly became much more complicated. There had been, in hindsight, I see this, very little preparation or structure before the project team was assembled. Um, direction from leadership shifted depended on who had most recently spoken with leadership. Um, it was not consistent, and at times there were competing expectations coming from different directions. It was chaos. People were looking to me for clarity in a situation that was clear as mud, frankly, and it created a tremendous amount of ambiguity and pressure. And despite everyone's best intentions, the project never truly gained momentum. And eventually the decision was made to shut it down. So that decision meant that 14 people would lose their jobs. And although I had not made the decision, I was not part of the decision, I was the person responsible for communicating it. And what I remember most clearly about that moment is you deliver the news, and then there's the stunned silence in the room. Because when news like that comes, people rarely react immediately. There's this stillness while everyone tries to absorb what they just heard, and then questions come later after the reality of the situation has had a chance to settle in. So standing there, I felt an enormous weight. I felt horrible. I wanted to cry, you know, delivering this message that would change the course of 14 people's lives. But in that moment, I also understood something important about leadership. The moment was not about my emotions or how I felt. My responsibility was to serve the people in front of me. You know, I explained whatever information that I could share, I walked them through the packet that they would need, I let them know that, hey, questions will likely come later. Get a hold of me. If I don't have the answer, I'll get it for you. So even though internally I was I was heartbroken, but outwardly I needed to offer steadiness. And in difficult moments, people look to leaders, not for some sort of perfect sort of performance, but they want to know that you're there for them, that you are present, that you are with them. And it took me years to fully understand another lesson that grew out of that experience. And that is leadership sometimes feels heavier than it should, because we carry things that were never ours to hold on to in the first place. So one of the most helpful reminders I have ever received came from a boss who shared a simple metaphor with me, and he said, be the straw. I thought, well, what does that mean? Well, he patiently explained that if you think about a drinking straw, its purpose is very simple. It moves the liquid from the cup to your mouth so that you can drink it. That's it. The straw acts like the conduit through which the liquid passes. But when the liquid moves through the straw, nothing stays behind. So if you pull the straw out of the cup and you look inside, it's empty, right? The straw has done its job. The liquid is passed through. The straw's job is not to carry the liquid, it's to convey the liquid. And sometimes leadership requires us to do the same thing. So think of instances where people are frustrated, they're scared, they're upset, and their emotions are often coming out as you, at you, as the leader. You know, you're the one standing in front of them. And in difficult situations, leaders become the focal point for those reactions, questions, and sometimes, yes, even anger. Doesn't mean it's right, but that's what can happen. That's part of the role. But those reactions, they do not have to stay with us. So someone else's disappointment is not ours to carry, or at least not always ours to carry. Their fear does not have to become our burden. Even criticism that lands unfairly can pass through if we allow it. So for a long time, I kept an actual drinking straw taped to the top of my computer monitor, and it was a reminder to me for that lesson because I wanted to put myself in there as the buffer and carry everything. So every time I felt the weight of someone else's frustration or a situation that was outside of my control, I would see the straw and I would remember that my job was not to absorb everything. My job was to remain steady and uh serve the people that I was leading and managing and allow what did not belong to me to just keep passing through. So today, in my leadership development work that I do for clients, I see this pattern a lot. And I see leaders come into a program or a coaching conversation and they're carrying things that do not actually belong to them anymore. And sometimes it is something that happened in a previous role, you know, a boss who undermined them, a decision that didn't go the way that they wanted to, they felt passed over, or even a moment where they felt betrayed or unsupported. Sometimes it's in their current role. There's a conflict that hasn't been resolved. You know, expectations were never clearly defined, therefore they weren't met. You know, pressure uh that quietly accumulates over time. And even when the situation itself has changed, sometimes the weight of those experiences, those emotions, remain. And if those experiences are never examined and the emotions released, then leaders will carry them forward. They show up in hesitation, in second guessing, in uh self-doubt. Uh, you know, the pressure that we put on ourselves as leaders to prove something that no longer needs proving. And it comes out in language. Now, we all have experiences that shape us. So, you know, that's going to happen. But the question is whether we allow those experiences to remain in the past or whether we continue dragging them into the future and with us presently. Because what that does is it keeps us from having a fresh perspective. We're always tied to the past. So leadership always is going to involve responsibility. There will always be moments where circumstances are difficult, uncertain, emotionally and you know, charged events. Yet not every every moment means something is wrong with you as a leader. Sometimes it means that you are navigating a situation that requires some discernment. Discernment about what you can influence, about what you cannot control, about what truly belongs to you. So readiness does not mean that you have every single answer or that every situation is going to be easy. Readiness is the capacity to remain grounded enough, to recognize what matters most, and to take the next thoughtful step forward. And sometimes the first step toward that clarity is realizing that the burden you've been carrying was never yours to hold in the first place. So think about where in your leadership right now might you be carrying something that doesn't actually belong to you?

Leadership Readiness Labs Invitation

unknown 10:16

Hmm.

Debbie Peterson 10:17

Now, if this resonated with you, leadership can feel isolating, especially when you're carrying responsibilities or pressures that others can't see, and many of us do. Many leaders discover that the most valuable part of their development is simply having a structured space to step back and reflect and think clearly about what is theirs to influence. And that is why I created Leadership Readiness Labs. And these are small group exercises and experiences that bring leaders together to examine real challenges, strengthen their leadership, and reconnect with the clarity that allows them to move forward with confidence. And if you have an organization that is investing in the next generation of leaders, then I would love to chat with you about it. You can learn more at my website, www.debipetersonspeaks.com. And here is wishing you all the clarity to make your next clear move count. Take care and bye bye for now.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Thank you for listening to this episode of the Getting to Clarity Podcast with Debbie Peterson.

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If you enjoyed this show, please rate and recommend it on iTunes or wherever you enjoy your podcast.

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To learn more about how you can bring Debbie and her transformational clarity leadership strategies to your organization, visit Debbie PetersonSpeaks.com.