When Leadership Does Not Quite Fit: The Identity Tension Many Leaders Feel

Leadership can feel hardest right after you get the role you worked for. Not because you can’t do the job, but because you start trying to be the leader you think you’re supposed to be. That quiet pressure creates tension you may not even notice, yet everyone around you can feel. 

I talk about how “performing leadership” shows up in real life, including a story of a senior leader who entered a new C-suite role like a wrecking ball, only to become far more effective when he stopped projecting authority and started leading with grounded trust. We unpack why people often confuse discomfort with lack of capability, when the real issue is misalignment between your natural leadership style and the persona you think the role demands. If you’ve ever watched yourself too closely in meetings, copied someone else’s tone, or wondered whether you belong in the room, you’ll recognize this pattern. 

We also redefine leadership readiness in practical terms: the internal capacity to sense what’s happening in and around you, adapt by asking better questions and involving others, and act by making the next clear move without waiting for a perfect plan. When you lead yourself first, your body relaxes, your communication opens up, and your team gains psychological safety, clarity, and flow. The payoff is less organisational drag, faster decisions, stronger trust, and a workplace where people want to stay and grow. 

If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a leader who’s carrying that “ill-fitting clothes” feeling, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one place you’re ready to stop performing and start leading as yourself?

Transcript

When Leadership Feels Off

Debbie Peterson 0:00

Hey, hello, and welcome back. I am Debbie Peterson of Getting to Clarity, and this is another episode of the Getting to Clarity Podcast, your next clear move. And I want to talk today about one of those things that I see happen all the time with leaders. They step into a role, they worked really hard for it, and somewhere along the way, it just doesn't feel right. Not because they can't do the job, but because they're trying to be a version of a leader that they think they are supposed to be instead of leading as who they actually are. And that, my friends, creates a lot of tension, and most of the time you don't even realize that you're carrying that. So today I want to talk about what that looks like, how it shows up, and what changes when you stop performing leadership and instead you start showing up as yourself and leading yourself first. So stay tuned.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Welcome to the Getting to Clarity Podcast.

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The place where busy leaders discover how to create more success in their leadership journey with less sacrifice in their life.

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Here's your host, Debbie Peterson of Getting to Clarity.

A Wrecking Ball New Leader

The Hidden Pressure To Perform

Redefining Leadership Readiness

Leading Yourself First Changes Teams

The Cost Of Staying Misaligned

Reflection And Next Clear Move

Where To Learn More

Debbie Peterson 1:15

All right, so what is it that we are talking about today? Well, some leadership challenges don't show up in performance reviews or strategy meetings. They show up inside the leader quietly. And uh for instance, a capable professional steps into a larger role. From the outside, it makes sense, they have earned the opportunity, they have demonstrated that they can do it, others trust them, they're looking to them for direction, and then somewhere along the way, the person starts paying more attention to how they are showing up than to the work itself. And not because the work is impossible, but because there is a tension of trying to lead in a way that doesn't feel natural. It's not because they're lacking skill. So sometimes leadership begins to feel difficult when the version of leadership someone believes they are supposed to embody does not actually match who they are. That's a problem. Most leaders cannot immediately name this tension, they just feel it. Something is off. I heard it described to me as uh once as ill-fitting clothes, you know, they just don't feel right. And in this instance, they feel it and they begin watching other leaders more closely. They start adjusting their own tone, they experiment with different ways of showing up, they try to interpret uh what leadership at that level is supposed to look like, especially if they've never been there before. And over time that creates a problem. So the leader is no longer simply doing the work and managing the people, they're also managing an identity that may not fit with who they are very well. So, what does this look like in real leadership? Well, I'm so glad you asked. Years ago, I worked for a leader who arrived in a new role, and it was like a wrecking ball, if I had to describe it. You know, it was just the energy changed the moment he walked in. He was demanding, he was very closed in his thinking. He came across like a bull in a china shop. And admittedly, he and I got off to a rough start. I was not really sure how we were gonna work together. And what made the situation so frustrating was that when you spent time with him, you know, outside of those moments, and you got into conversation with him, you could see something very different. He was thoughtful, he was down to earth, he was very easy to talk with. And so, you know, the difference there made me start wondering what is going on? And at some point, it occurred to me that this might not be ego, although that's what I thought right at the outset. It might be his interpretation of how he needed to show up. So he came from banking and he went into the C-suite, and he'd never held a role like that before. So, you know, he may have believed that stepping into a senior leadership role required him to project authority in a uh certain way. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I tend to do that with people, and even though I reported to him, I occasionally would offer quiet feedback about how certain things were being received. I didn't want him to get torpedoed. You know, it wasn't anything dramatic, just my honest observations. And there was some pushback in the beginning, but eventually something shifted between us because I think he realized that I had his best interests at heart. And that allowed our conversation to become more open. And then once that happened, you could almost see uh how his physiology changed. You know, his posture relaxed, his tone of voice softened, he he began engaging with people instead of talking at them. You know, the leader people experienced from that point forward was someone who built relationships naturally and who listened carefully before making decisions. So what stayed with me was not simply that he changed his approach, it was that his effectiveness had very little to do with projecting more authority and everything to do with becoming a person that was easier for the people that he led to trust. And he did not become more effective by acting bigger. He became more effective when he stopped trying to perform leadership and instead began leading as himself. So the pattern that I see today is that this tension shows up in my leadership development work again and again. So sometimes leaders believe they must be someone else in order to succeed. They try to adopt a style of leadership that appears more authoritative or polished because they assume this is what the role requires, right? And I see this especially with women leaders, and they feel pressure to lead in ways that do not match their natural instincts. Other times the tension appears in the reverse direction. Leaders begin questioning whether they belong in the room at all. And you'll hear it in their language, you know, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not sure why they picked me. And those thoughts quietly shape how someone shows up, even when they already possess the leadership capacity that the role requires. So the challenge is that most leaders do not recognize what's actually happening. They feel it, right? They feel the discomfort without understanding the source. And when you can name this tension, when it's brought into awareness, something important changes. Leaders begin to see that the struggle is not always about capability or capacity. Sometimes it's about alignment. So readiness. Many leadership conversations treat readiness as something a person uh needs to prove before they step into a role. They need to prove that they're ready. I see readiness differently. So to me, readiness is an ongoing internal capacity to sense, adapt, and act. So a leader senses what is happening around them and inside of themselves. They notice the tension, they notice the hesitation, or possibly feel the misalignment instead of just pushing past it, right? They adapt by asking better questions and gathering more information because then they can make better decisions. They involve other people in the conversation instead of assuming they just have to have every answer alone. Then they act, not with perfect certainty, but with enough clarity to take the next step. So leadership rarely requires a perfectly mapped-out plan. At least that's never been my experience of leadership, because there's always something different happening. Most of the time, it requires the willingness to make the next clear move and learn from what happens next. So each step provides more information. Better information leads to better decisions. Do you see where I'm going? So, what changes when leaders lead themselves first? Well, when leaders stop trying to perform someone else's version of leadership, that becomes much easier. Something noticeable happens. They relax. And then the energy around them shifts because they're no longer managing how they have to appear. They are simply showing up as themselves while continuing to learn and grow in the role. That's a given. And that shift creates a different kind of confidence. It's quieter, but it is far more relatable because the leader is no longer wrestling with who they think they're supposed to be. People feel the difference immediately. You can always sense when someone is tense or when someone is holding something back. You know, human beings pick up on the energy of others. You know, what they bring into the room, whether we can articulate it or not, we can sense it. So when a leader becomes comfortable in their own skin, conversations become easier. Team members speak more openly, decisions become more productive because people feel safe offering their opinions, their ideas, or even pushing back. So something else begins to appear inside the team as well. Flow. Oh, and flow is beautiful. Teams function best when they know who is the leader that's going to show up every day. They don't have to guess what version of the leader is coming in the door. When leadership becomes consistent and grounded, then people understand how to engage, how to contribute, and how to move the needle or the work forward. So the organization experiences less friction because the leader is no longer creating uncertainty about what kind of leadership the team is going to encounter. Now, there's a quiet cost to this when it doesn't happen. When a leader never makes this shift or they're not aware of it, the cost is subtle but significant. So the leader and the team never quite connect. Conversations are cautious, trust doesn't develop, or it does it develops very slowly, if at all. So people do their work, but that sense of shared community and momentum that strong leadership creates, it never arrives. A team can operate that way for a while, and in many organizations they do, but it creates a kind of organizational drag. Work requires more effort than it should. Decisions take longer. People spend energy interpreting leadership instead of focusing on the work itself. So what can you do? Well, let's consider a very simple reflection. Where in your leadership might you be trying to wear something that does not quite fit? What change, um, if you allowed yourself to sense what was happening, would you um make? Would you adapt your approach? Um, and then whatever that is, take a step in that direction and see if it feels aligned with who you actually are. So leadership becomes easier when you no longer have to perform it. We've made that very clear. And when leaders begin operating from that place of alignment, the impact of their leadership and the teams and the organizations, it reaches far beyond the individual leader. Teams get more clarity, they have a stronger connection, and it creates a workplace where people want to stay and grow. And if you are interested in continuing the conversation about leadership readiness and developing leaders who can sense, adapt, and act, then you can learn more about my speaking and leadership development work at www.debipetersonspeaks.com. Until the next time, here is wishing you all the clarity and readiness that you deserve. Take care and bye-bye for now.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Thank you for listening to this episode of the Getting to Clarity Podcast with Debbie Peterson.

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If you enjoyed this show, please rate and recommend it on iTunes or wherever you enjoy your podcast.

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To learn more about how you can bring Debbie and her transformational clarity leadership strategies to your organization, visit Debbie PetersonSpeaks.com.