Do You See the Person or the Problem

The fastest way to lose trust is to treat a human like a problem to be managed. I’m bringing you a question that stopped me cold and still challenges me when I’m busy, stressed, and trying to “just fix it”: do you see the person first or the problem? That single choice shows up in every missed deadline, tense conversation, or frustrating mistake, and it quietly shapes your culture more than any policy ever will. 

I tell a story from my time as a project manager on a working ranch, when I reacted to an employee based on a label I had already given him. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t gather context. I just enforced the story in my head and got it wrong. Then came the drive back, the pit in my stomach, and the apology I didn’t want to make. What surprised me most was what that apology created: not less authority, but more trust, because it proved I would tell the truth and do the right thing. 

From there, we get practical about relational leadership and emotional intelligence at work: why behavior is what people do and not who they are, how curiosity breaks the power of assumptions, and how “relational readiness” helps you hold standards while still seeing the whole person. As AI continues to reshape the workplace, our humanity becomes more valuable, not less and learning to lead people well is the advantage. 

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Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

Debbie Peterson 0:00

Hey, hello, and welcome back. I am Debbie Peterson of Getting to Clarity, and this is another episode of the Getting to Clarity Podcast, your next clear move. Because when it comes to your career in your leadership, even your life, you don't need to have it all figured out. But what you do need is your next clear move. And that's what this podcast aims to do for you. So today I want to talk about people. And I want to ask you a question that recently, when I heard it in my church message, it really landed on me in a significant way. And that question was: do you see the person first or the problem? You know, as leaders, we are wired to solve problems. That's usually what got us here. But what happens when that instinct causes us to miss the human being who's standing right in front of us? And I learned that lesson the hard way on a ranch with an employee named John. And it took a pit in my stomach and a drive I didn't want to make to understand what relational leadership actually looks like in practice. And that's what we're getting into today. So stay tuned.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Welcome to the Getting to Clarity Podcast.

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The place where busy leaders discover how to create more success in their leadership journey with less sacrifice in their life.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Here's your host, Debbie Peterson of Getting to Clarity.

Stress, Labels, Reactive Leadership

Debbie Peterson 1:34

Do you see the person first or the problem? That question really landed with me. And it struck me because leadership is full of those moments. Every day we have a choice. We can see the missed deadline, the difficult conversation, the attitude, the mistake, the problem, the project that's behind schedule, you know, whatever it is. Or we can remember that there's a person standing behind every one of those things. And it sounds simple. I mean, it is simple, but the hard part is remembering that the choice that you're going to make under pressure. When leaders are stressed, when they're busy, when they're overwhelmed, we naturally focus on solving the problem in front of us. The project needs to be finished. The client needs an answer. And if the budget is behind, it needs to be approved. The behavior needs to be corrected. And none of those things are wrong. It's not that they're unimportant, but if all we ever see is the problem, we can unintentionally lose sight of the person. And I learned that lesson

John On The Ranch

Debbie Peterson 2:44

the hard way. So I was a project manager at a ranch. It was a working ranch, and there was an employee named John. And in my mind, John was always stirring the pot. If there was conflict, somehow he seemed to find his way right depth, smack, into the middle of it. I had already written my story about who he was before I ever gave him a fair chance to show me differently. So I had labeled him. And one day while I was out of town, something happened that I specifically instructed him not to do. And when I found out, I was furious. Actually, that was an understatement. I called him immediately. I didn't ask questions. I didn't gather more information. I didn't even try to understand what had happened. I simply reacted to this story that I had already written about him, what I was carrying in my head. And later, after I learned the whole situation, I realized that I had been wrong. And John and I actually wanted the same outcome. We just had different ways of going about it. And I owed him an apology. And I wanted, I want to be honest with you about what that felt like. I thought I was going to get sick. I there was a pit in my stomach the whole way to the ranch, knowing what I had to do. I didn't have to apologize. I could have moved on, but that really went against my grain. Nobody would have made me go back, but I knew I was wrong and I knew he deserved to hear it directly from me. When I apologized, he

Making The Hard Apology

Debbie Peterson 4:20

laughed. And not in a mean way. I don't mean it that way. Um it was more like relief, like something had settled between us. And in that moment, he may have called me City Girl, too. But what I didn't expect was what came next. That apology didn't weaken my authority with him, it built trust. Because if I was willing to go back and say I got it wrong, he knew I would have his back when it mattered. He knew I had integrity and he knew I saw him as a person, not just a problem to manage. And that experience really stayed with me. Behavior is not what people do. Wait a minute, let me say that the other way. Behavior is what people do, it isn't who they are. Behavior is what people do, it isn't who they are. And just let that marinate a moment. So that that doesn't mean that we ignore behavior. It doesn't mean that we excuse poor performance. In fact, I believe just the opposite. If you can't address behavior, uh uh if you excuse it, you you just nothing happens if you excuse it. But when you see the person first, you're far more likely to find a solution that actually helps the behavior change instead of simply reacting to it. That's a very different kind of leadership. So people who feel seen only through their mistakes eventually begin to believe that that's all anyone sees. They become hesitant, they're they feel defeated, afraid to speak up, afraid to take risks, and they lose the

Behavior Is What People Do

Debbie Peterson 5:52

opportunity to work through those mistakes with someone, you, who can genuinely help them grow. That is a loss for the individual. It is the loss of the ability to be able to lead for the leader, and it's also a loss for the organization. So here's the deal: when there's a problem, we don't simply respond to what happened. We respond to what we believe happened. So we got our filters, our stories, our labels playing in there, which means that those filters, our assumptions, the stories that we've already written about the people that we lead are shaping every interaction, whether we realize or not, it happens unconsciously. And that is why curiosity matters so much. Curiosity leads to awareness. Awareness leads to clarity, and clarity gives us a much better chance of making a better decision. So imagine the difference between these two leaders.

Curiosity Creates Clarity

Debbie Peterson 6:48

One sees an employee who missed a deadline, the other wonders, what might I not understand yet? One sees resistance, the other asks, What's making this change difficult? One sees an attitude problem, the other gets curious enough to find out what is underneath it. But the project still matters, the standards still matter, accountability still matters, but the person matters too. Sometimes leaders tell me they don't have time to deal with employees' feelings. They just need to get the project done. Okay, I get that. In the short term, you might get the project done by focusing only on the task. You could even motivate people through pressure for a while, but it will not work forever. People are people. They have emotions, they have fears, hopes, frustrations, and lives outside of work. Otherwise, they'd be machines. And as artificial intelligence continues to reshape the workplace, one thing becomes more valuable, not less. Our humanity. The ability to see the person standing in front of us. That's something that no technology can replace. And it's something that we can't afford to lose. This is what I call relational readiness. Relationally ready leaders don't reduce people to a problem, a behavior, or a moment. They slow down long enough to see the human being in front of them. They ask better questions, they get curious, they gather more information and then they decide.

Relational Readiness And Your Next Move

Debbie Peterson 8:20

You know, it is practice makes permanent. So it's something I'm working towards too. I think all of us are. And this type of leadership, it doesn't make the leader softer, it makes them wiser. And here's the part that matters most to me. Relational readiness isn't just about how you lead others, it starts with how you lead yourself. The stories you tell about other people are often a reflection of the stories you're telling about yourself. When you do the work to understand your own filters, why you have them, your own assumptions, how they got formed, your own default reactions, how they came to be, you become a leader who can actually see more clearly. So John didn't just teach me to see him differently. He taught me to see myself more honestly. So your next clear move is this: the next time you encounter a problem child at work, pause before you react. Ask yourself one more question. Do I see the person or do I see the problem? You may find that the better you understand the person, the easier it becomes to solve the problem. Because leadership isn't just about getting the work done, it's about helping people grow while the work gets done. And sometimes that starts with being willing to make the drive to the ranch and say you got it wrong. Until the next time, be good to yourself. And here's wishing you all the clarity you deserve. Take care. Bye-bye for now.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

Thank you for listening to this episode of the Getting to Clarity Podcast with Debbie Peterson.

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If you enjoyed the jump, please rate and recommend it on iTunes or wherever you enjoy your podcast.

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To learn more about how you can bring Debbie and her transformational clarity leadership strategies to your organization, visit Debbie Petersonspeaks.com.