Valentine Baby

Hey CheckMates, it's Check Edgar here!

In this hilarious, awkward, and absolutely chaotic episode of Why Am I Still Single?, I share the unbelievable story of how a simple Valentine's Day date turned into a 30-minute wardrobe nightmare. What was supposed to be a romantic home date with Netflix, jollof rice, and maybe even "the do" quickly spiralled into hiding like a criminal, facing a surprise law examination, and nearly getting caught by Nigerian parents who weren't supposed to be home.

From meeting Precious at a Unilag theatre play to building romantic chemistry over weeks to her parents showing up unannounced on Valentine's Day to me being shoved into a wardrobe praying for my life to Precious suggesting I jump out the window to her father interrogating me about constitutional law topics I knew NOTHING about. This episode is packed with panic, lies, and the kind of Valentine's stress only Lagos can provide.

But the real question? How did I go from "Netflix and chill" to "Fundamental Human Procedures" and running errands on Valentine's Day?

The craziest part? I was sick that morning but drove all the way because of love. And after surviving the wardrobe, the interrogation, and the errands, Precious revealed she hadn't even told her parents she broke up with her ex. So I suffered for a relationship that didn't technically exist in her parents' eyes.

If you've ever hidden in a wardrobe to avoid parents, lied about being a law student, or realised you drove across Lagos while sick for absolutely nothing, this episode will have you laughing and cringing from start to finish.

Send your thoughts and stories to edgar@checkedgar.com
I might read them during T.G.I.F. 4.

Do you enjoy reading funny stories? Check this out on my website. wwww.checkedgar.com

🎧 Music & sound design by Isaac Runsewe.
🎨 Episode artwork by Oritsemisan Enemigin.
 🎙️ Podcast created by Edgar Eriakha

Transcript

Cold Open: Satirical Valentine Skit

Check Edgar 0:02

Listener's note warning. This show is loaded with gists so powerful. It might just push you into a relationship and straight down the aisle. If you're not ready to hear wedding bells and say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes. Listen at your own risk. Edgar doesn't lie.

Babe 0:20

Check Edgar out. Eddie, oh my god, baby! What are you doing? Don't embarrass me. Stop, stand up. Oh my god.

Check Edgar 0:47

Please, babe. I am not worthy enough to stand before my queen. Ever since I met you, life has been different. Your smell, your taste, your beauty, and your brain, they drive me insane.

Babe 1:03

Oh baby.

Check Edgar 1:04

God did a thing when he created you. Valentine's days around the corner. And it would be an honor to have you as my Valentine lover.

Babe 1:14

Oh baby.

Check Edgar 1:17

Take this, take this flower as a symbol of my love for you. For every time you perceive it, breathe in the air of my love. And here is a handwritten card with words that constantly remind you that I am here for you, my love.

Babe 1:39

Oh baby!

Check Edgar 1:42

I will never leave you, nor forsake you, my queen. I promise. I would never leave you.

Babe 1:49

Baby, this is beautiful. You didn't have to do this.

Check Edgar 1:53

Will you be my val?

Babe 1:56

Oh, this is really mind-blowing. No one has ever given me flowers before.

Check Edgar 2:02

Is that a yes?

Babe 2:04

Eh, yes, but when will I get the balance?

Speaker 2:09

What balance?

Babe 2:10

Don't tell me you're asking me to be your val without money now.

Check Edgar 2:13

But I thought it was the thoughts that counts.

Babe 2:16

Eddie baby, take a look around you. Things have changed. Gone are the days when sweet words, flowers, and card touch the hearts of women. Now money is my love language. So give me the balance and it's a yes from me.

Check Edgar 2:31

Okay, so how much are we looking at here?

Babe 2:35

The standard price to be your Valentine's. Since it's just one day, it's about 400k. But you know, since you already bought me flowers and a card, let's just say 350k, they're about because I know this flower will not pass 40k. Then the card 2k, then the presentation around you know 8k. So yeah, 350k.

Check Edgar 2:58

350k? Isn't that too much?

Babe 3:01

Didn't you just say since you met me your life has changed? Was it for good or was it for bad?

Check Edgar 3:06

Baby wait, if 400k was for one day, how much will it cost me to date you?

Babe 3:13

The price is in the least. One night, 300k, Valentine, 400k. Ask me to be your girlfriend, 1 million, behave myself in the relationship. 100k per day. Marry you, 10 million, minus the wedding expense, and my wedding gown.

Check Edgar 3:35

What if I want you to give death for me?

Babe 3:40

We don't do that here. What? Marry me first and we'll cross that bridge together. By the way, the flowers smell pretty good. What about my balance, my love?

Check Edgar 3:52

Give me the card and the flower first.

Babe 3:53

What's going on?

Check Edgar 3:54

Give it to me first, nah. Should just put it in my hand. Don't worry. Let me pay the full money, 400k.

Babe 4:01

Oh, okay. You can still give me the flower and pay the full money, sha.

Check Edgar 4:06

Thunder fire you.

Babe 4:11

Why would you say that?

Check Edgar 4:13

Thunder tear you apart.

Babe 4:15

Baby.

Check Edgar 4:16

Mommy. Serious thunder.

Babe 4:19

Okay, okay. How much do you have?

Check Edgar 4:22

Thunder will iron you like clothes and still give you gator. Idiot.

Babe 4:27

You are a foolish, broke boy.

Check Edgar 4:31

Waka.

Babe 4:36

Baby, come back here. Give me my flowers. I deserve my flowers.

Why These Three Dates Hurt Most

Meet Precious: The Unilag Crush

Plans Change: From Beach To House

Check Edgar 4:42

It'd be like say you don't need mad. Check, check, check. This is a check edgar production. A check edgar production. This is for the single guys, and the single is Edgar doesn't lie. I am I am I still sick? Step sick. Step sick. Step sick. I want to family. This kind of life is alright for me. I told my guys how things can be when I fall in love. I fall for real. I know you want me to waste my time. I want to girl that is set and fine. Going crazy, so please be mine. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and enemies, checkmates of all ages, welcome back to another episode of Why Am I Still Single? The only podcast where my love life is a comedy show. And you, yes, you get front row seats to the disaster. Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers out there. I hope you guys are having a blast. And to my fellow single people. Yes, I know I recently dropped an episode, and this is meant to be a weekly podcast, but there is a lot to say, and I have staffed you guys for a while. So expect me to drop and drop and drop some more. Alright, if this is your first time here, let me set the tone properly. This is not a love podcast. This is not a dating advice show. This is a survival documentary. Think of it like this I am the wildlife. Nigerian women are the predators, and somehow I keep walking into the jungle unarmed. Now, today's episode is special, very special, because it's Valentine's Day. And while you people are posting pictures with your partners, holding hands, sharing cakes, and doing couple things, lying that you love each other so much, I am here, alone, single, traumatized, remembering the worst Valentine's Day of my entire life. By the way, I think you should listen to the episode titled Cupid Not Stupid. I dropped that last year on Valentine's Day. However, today's story is different, way different. Today's episode is titled Valentine's Baby. Now there are three dates every year that I truly regret or dislike. The first is my birthday, March 26. Now, don't get me wrong, I love myself and appreciate my parents a lot for giving birth to me on that day. I mean, I would have loved them some more if they had given birth to me in the US. But anyway, I love them. I really do. What I do not like is how everyone seems to remember me only on my birthday. It is hard to differentiate real love and fake love on my birthday. You know what I mean, right? Calls, sweet messages, and people asking you to send your pictures so they can post them on their social media or status. Once in a while, I get gifts, but always the same gifts. Like, can you guys stop giving me perfumes and belts? If I have a nasty body odor, you can just say it. The number of perfumes I have in my house is enough for me to start my own perfume shop. And God, I need new friends because my close friends are the worst: Fela, Noel, Lancelot, and everyone I have mentioned here. Instead of them giving you gifts on your birthday, they'll be asking me for gifts as if I owed them something. They are always broke on March 26th, but they are very rich every other day. Useless people, useless, useless people. The second day I hate or dislike is December 25th, Christmas Day. I love Jesus Christ, but hate the idea of Christmas in Nigeria. I have never successfully dated someone on Christmas Day. It is either we break up just before Christmas or we start dating after. It is like all the women in the world joined the same WhatsApp group and swore an oath to never love and date Edgar on Christmas Day. And finally, the last date I hate or dislike. February 14th, Valentine's Day. They claim it is the day of love and that it was Saint Valentine who gave women the freedom and opportunity to love and build their men all in the name of love, aka the day for men to prove they truly love their partners with physical gifts. To be honest, I had great plans for Valentine's Day. Sometimes I see myself on a yacht with a babe enjoying the water, sipping wine and chewing apples, dancing to Colombian music with lyrics I cannot even pronounce. I can just imagine myself and my babe holding hands like it's the Titanic, but without the sinking, obviously. Then I see my babe on a video call with her family, and I am on a call with my friends, Fela and Noel. Useless boys. Fela is stuck inside Ekolodu traffic. Noel is finding himself at home with his t-shirt, begging me to take it easy on my babe. The weather is cool, the sun is calm, and the atmosphere is perfect. My beautiful babe is wearing a G-string and a crop top t-shirt that says Edgar's babe. Hell, me too. I am wearing a shirt that says Mary's Connor. That is if my babe's name is Mary. Oh my romance, yo. Why is it that we, the creative ones, are the ones without babes? While the boring guys have all the girls in the world. And don't say it is because the boring ones are rich and I am broke. No, I am rich too. I have money in Jesus' name. Anyways, let me tell you about my worst Valentine experience. Today's episode is about Precious. A girl I met at Unilag, a girl I thought was my answered prayer. What you're about to hear is something that might sound like a film to you, but trust me, it happened to me for real. First, let me tell you how I met Precious. How I thought I was smooth, how I thought love was easy, and how Nigerian parents reminded me that in this country, nothing is ever easy, not even romance. Why am I still single? Because I hid in a wardrobe for 30 minutes on Valentine's Day. Stay with me, checkmates. This is why am I still single. My name is Czech Edgar, and Edgar doesn't lie. Check Edgar out. Alright, now let's go straight into it. In 2022, I visited the University of Lagos to see a stage play. I didn't go there looking for love. I went for the culture to enjoy the theater experience. I was getting tired of watching movies at the cinema. I wanted a different experience. A young lady at the Department of Theatre Arts invited me to come see this play, and like a responsible young man trying to look sophisticated, I decided to attend. I graduated from the same department in 2017, so I was excited to see a stage play there again after how many years I sat down quietly on my own, ready to enjoy the performance. When this girl beside me leaned over and said, Even if you wear a face mask, I know your face whenever I see you. She smiled and said, No, but I know you from Instagram. Who doesn't know the guy with the baritone? I turned, very confused. Now the truth is, I do not see myself as popular or famous. I believe I am regular, so it always shocks me when people see me in person and say they know me from either TV or from social media. So I begged her not to tell people or make it obvious it was me. She just smiled and said, Don't worry, Edgar, these lips are sealed. That was how I looked at her lips. And then her smile. Then her face. Unila girls are fine, oh. Unila girls are fine. However, I knew she wasn't a theater art student. She looked different. She was either from another department or another school. She was too calm and quiet to be a theater art student. Don't worry, I know. I'm speaking from experience. We laughed about the play, whispered small jokes during the performance, connected like people who had known each other before but just met in real life. By the time the actors took their final bow, I had her number and a new crush. One interesting thing that I remember happening as we saw the play was that we held hands. I don't know how, but I remember her saying, Your palm is very soft and your fingers are long, very nice.

Speaker 14:07

After the stage play, she asked me to dial her number and send a WhatsApp message in front of her. I remember her saying, I still do not believe you came to my department.

Precious 14:16

Let's take a picture together. I am telling my roommates.

Check Edgar 14:20

Now, checkmates, listen. The first sign that made me realize there was some form of chemistry between Precious and me was how we took that picture. Precious hugged me so tightly and pouted as if she wanted a kiss. I just smiled and behaved myself.

Precious 14:37

Then she said, I don't know if you know this, but you're cuter in person.

Check Edgar 14:42

Blush nearly killed me. I was trying to hold my smile, but she saw it.

Precious 14:48

Are you blushing?

Check Edgar 14:49

No, I wasn't. Blushke.

Precious 14:51

Yes, you were. I saw you.

Check Edgar 14:54

We started talking after that day. Now, January turned into February, and the conversations were flowing. Late replies that became fast replies. Jokes that became calls. Calls that became plans. Checkmates, you know that phase when you meet someone and everything just flows? When you are not forcing it, you're not chasing, you are just vibing. That was precious than me. We were in sync. She would send me memes at 2 a.m. and I would send her voice notes at 3. I would call her during my lunch break. And she would tell me about her day like we have been friends for years. Valentine's Day was approaching, and I wanted to be romantic. I suggested the beach. There is this level of peace that comes with the beach. The breeze, the water, the aesthetics. Going to the beach felt perfect to me. I remember that Precious laughed and said that going to the beach was very unnecessary.

Precious 15:56

My parents won't be around. Let's do it at my house. I'll cook, we'll watch a movie, and maybe we can even do the do.

Check Edgar 16:14

It was some seconds later that I realized that she said do the do. Like do the do. Yay! Who wouldn't want to do the do with precious? Unilag, babe. Immediately, the beach didn't make sense to me anymore. Do you know how many people have died at the beach? What if rain falls or the sun comes in hot? What if it is crowded? How will I have my alone time with Precious? Her place made better sense. When last did someone offer me home cooked food, Netflix and the do all in one day? In my head, I was already planning my outfits, already imagining the vibes, already thanking God for answered prayers. That was when Precious called me to tell me that I had to make it official for her to take me seriously.

Precious 17:10

Hi Edgar, so you know you have to ask me to be your val before Monday, yeah.

Check Edgar 17:14

But I thought you were already my val.

Precious 17:17

No, it's not automatic. You have to ask and make it romantic.

Check Edgar 17:21

Alright, so what do you have in mind?

Precious 17:24

Surprise me. Maybe a cake and a card. It doesn't have to be expensive. Something came to the case.

Sick But Stubborn: Off To Her Place

Check Edgar 17:30

In that moment, my love of Precious grew. She wasn't asking for money, cars, or even a kidney. She wanted the basic things. And that made me happy. Immediately the call ended. I called my friend Noel and asked him to help me get the card and the cake. Sharp, sharp. I sent it to Precious. I even added a branded t-shirt with a text for my one and only precious baby. I wasn't there when she received it, but when she called me on the phone, Precious was in tears. She was so soft and sweet. It felt like I was the first guy who truly showed her love and care. Unilag boys, unilag boys, you guys need to do better.

Precious 18:11

She said, Edgar baby, this is so cute. I was only joking when I said if you asked me to be your vow. How did you know I love red velvet cake? And the words on the card are so sweet and thoughtful. I really love them so much. Yes, I am your only baby. I love you, Edgar. Thank you so much, Eddie Baby. I can't wait to see your Monday, my vowel.

Perfect Setup, Then A Knock

Check Edgar 18:37

Valentine's Day couldn't come fast enough. I didn't sleep the night before. I was just thinking about precious and the precious things we were going to do. But checkmates, let me tell you something that happened that morning. Something I didn't tell precious. Something I should have taken as a sign from God, I woke up sick. Not a small headache. Sick, sick. My body was hot, my head was pounding, my throat felt like sandpaper. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were red. Like someone who had just smoked Igbo. Or just finished crying while watching Indian films. Any reasonable person would have cancelled. Any smart person would have rescheduled. Any person with sense would have stayed at home, taken parastamor, and slept. But me, no. Czech Edgar would never do that. I was in love, and love makes you stupid. I did not cancel. Instead, I struggled out of bed and took a three-minute shower. Wore my best clothes, sprayed perfume like I was going to war. And I drove. All the way from my area to her area. Now the distance was not small, though, but I didn't care. Because in my mind, I was going to see Precious. I was going to eat her precious food. I was going to watch precious movies with precious. And maybe, just maybe, we were going to do the do preciously. Guys, I was sick. But the sickness could wait. Common sense could wait. Everything could wait. Precious was calling, and I didn't want to keep my vow waiting. On Valentine's Day, later that day, I arrived at her place with joy in my heart and foolish confidence in my spirit. The house was nice, quiet, peaceful, perfect for love. Precious opened the door and smiled. The moment she smiled at me, guys, I swear my malaria vanished. I became very strong and healthy. She opened her arms for me to hug her. And when I did, I didn't want to live. The smell of her perfume alone gave me peace of mind.

Precious 21:17

You came! Welcome, baby.

Parents Arrive: Hide In The Wardrobe

Check Edgar 21:20

Baby? Did she just call me baby? Immediately, my age dropped from whatever it was to seven. I felt like I was in heaven. When last did someone call me baby? Checkmates, I was floating that morning. She told me to sit and feel at home. She took the TV remote and asked me to pick anything romantic on Netflix. As I started to search, she went to the kitchen for a few minutes. My nose was just picking up everything. I could perceive jollof rice, plantain, and even goat meat. Not long after, food was almost ready. And I wasn't wrong. The exact things my nose picked jollof rice, fried plantain, and fried goat meat with cold beer. If not for the Holy Ghost that told me to calm down, I would have proposed that minute. The movie was about to start. The couch was set, the air conditioner was blowing cold, and she brought this beer duvet just in case the mood was right. And we wanted to do the do. Everything made sense. The vibe was perfect. It was giving what it was supposed to give. Little Edgar was getting excited already. I could feel the vibration in my pants. Somebody's daughter was gonna collect it hot hot in a few minutes. Let the film just start first. I don't remember the name of the movie we saw, but immediately the film started. The first scene opened with intense kissing. I was like, God, thank you. Only you can do this. I adjusted my clothes and moved closer to her. She didn't say a thing. I moved closer. She didn't move. Closer. She was silent. Her full focus was on the TV. Okay. Then I kept my hand over her shoulder. This girl did not move. Wow. I took my hand down to her waist. This girl did not blink. Then I took a deep breath and slowly took my fingers under her shirt. Checkmates, this lady did not even behave like I was doing anything. It was like she gave me the green light to do whatever I liked. In my mind, I said, correct, I die here today. I wasn't watching the movie, but I could tell that it was very interesting. As my fingers started to move closer to her breast, just before I could touch them, there was a knock, a loud knock, on the door. I was confused. I looked at Precious. She looked at me. She was confused as well. Are you expecting anyone?

Precious 24:10

Not at all. Who could that be? And why would anyone be knocking on my door like they are mad?

Check Edgar 24:15

Maybe it's your neighbors.

Precious 24:17

Hold on, let me check it out. Precious was upset. She stood up in anger. She wasn't happy someone was ruining the movie she was watching. I was upset as well. My anger was because I was close to her breasts. I hadn't even touched them yet. Courtney demands that you wait until I get there first before interrupting. Do you know the further mathematics and physics I had to do to get my fingers there? Whoever is at the door could just get her upset, and it could just lead to her changing her mood for the whole day. Opportunities like this do not come every time. The moment Precious got to the door, she checked from the window. And immediately, she froze. Her face changed as if she had seen a ghost. Edgar, my parents are here.

Back From Break: Wardrobe Ordeal

Check Edgar 25:08

Before I could ask what that meant, before I could process the information, before I could even think of a solution, she whispered urgently, Go and hide in the wardrobe. Checkmates, I wanted to understand the level of confusion I was in at that moment. One minute I was a man sitting comfortably about to eat jollof rice, watch Netflix with my babe, and do-de-doo. The next minute I was asked to hide inside a wardrobe like stolen goods or kids playing hide and seek. I looked at her and said, I don't know where your room is. The first room to the right. Now, checkmates, I don't know if you have ever entered a wardrobe in panic before, but it humbles you instantly. You are folded, you're uncomfortable, it's dark and confusing. You are questioning every life choice that brought you to this moment. It is not a good place to be. I swear it is not. And the worst part was that you can't even complain because if you make noise, you are finished. Her father will catch me and treat me like a criminal. It will be a bad day, a very bad day. But checkmates, this wasn't even the crazy part. As a matter of fact, it was the easiest. The real trauma, the real embarrassment, the real reason I will never forget this Valentine's Day is what happened 30 minutes after I entered the wardrobe. Let's take a short break. Before I break someone's head, don't go anywhere. Alright, listen to the promo. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Listen, Festi to the rush. Listen to the promo. I'll be right back. Hey checkmates, would you believe me if I told you there is a fun and easy way to make 1000 Aira every Saturday? Yes, you had that right. I'm giving you 1000 Aira if you don't laugh at my jokes. Welcome to Saturday Laughs. Every Saturday, a brand new joke lands straight in your inbox. If you don't laugh, giggle or smile and you click the not funny button. 1000 AR is yours. But fear warnings, my jokes are ridiculously funny. You might laugh anyway and miss the money. Think you have the courage? Think you can keep a straight face? Go to www.chechetga.com, wait for the pop-up, sign up for Saturday Laughs and let the challenge begin. Remember, you only get paid if you don't laugh. So bring your poker face or just give in and laugh like everyone else. Saturday Laughs brought to you by Check Edgar. Don't miss it. Check Edgar out. And we are back. Back baby. We are back. Checkmates. Let me take you inside that wardrobe and tell you how it felt. From inside the wardrobe, through the small spaces between hanging dresses and shirts, I could see everything. I could hear everything. But I couldn't do anything. I watched her mother walk into her bedroom with smiles and surprise gifts. Her mother gave her new clothes and different Valentine's gifts. It was beautiful. It was touching. Nobody had to tell me, but I could see that her mother loved her a lot. Meanwhile, I was inside wood, folded like fufu, questioning my entire existence and thinking of how to escape. I prayed to God to help me find a way. But then I remembered that I was just about to touch breast. How will God forgive me? God, if you save me from this situation, I will never lie again. I will never follow a woman to a house again. I will go to church every Sunday. I will pay tithes. I'll read my Bible. I'll be celebrates. Just please, please, don't let them open this wardrobe. Please. As I continue to pray in my mind, I heard precious discussion with her parents in her room.

Precious 29:18

Ah, mommy, daddy, I thought you said you were traveling.

The Lie: I’m A Law Course Mate

Check Edgar 29:22

We came back, Early. We wanted to surprise you. Surprise who? I knew that if I had moved an inch or even coughed out loud, I would have surprised the father. And the kind of beating I would receive would have surprised me. Checkmates, it wasn't easy. I was there for more than 13 minutes. I wanted to use the restroom, but I couldn't even move. The smell of her clothes were in my nose. I wanted to sneeze, but I didn't want to die, so I swallowed it. Yes, my people, you can swallow sneeze. At some point, I heard footsteps coming towards the wardrobe. My soul left my body. I stopped breathing. I became one with the clothes. I held my heart in my mouth. Could this be the end of my life? Will I die on Valentine's Day? I saw her mother holding her new clothes, walking towards the wardrobe, as if she wanted to put the clothes inside. But thank God. She got to the door and stopped. She changed her mind and went back to the living room. The moment her mother left, I came out of the wardrobe. I couldn't stay there anymore.

Precious 30:37

Okay, okay. We need a story. We need to tell them something.

Check Edgar 30:41

I just looked at her, still catching my breath, still traumatized. Then she said the first lie. Let's say you're a plumber. I looked at my clean clothes, my fresh haircuts, my peaceful face, my soft hands. What kind of plumber looks like this? Madame, this plumber is too fine. Even the pipe will fall in love with me. Plumber will not work. Let's think of something else.

Precious 31:05

Okay, okay. What about electrician?

Check Edgar 31:07

Do I look like I know Nepa? Okay, painter. Precious, calm down. Alright? Calm down. Let's think of something realistic. Then she dropped the craziest suggestion.

Precious 31:19

Okay, what if you jumped through the window?

Check Edgar 31:23

I walked to the window, looked down, saw the distance, saw the ground, saw my funeral. Precious, I didn't come here to die. I came here for Jolofries and Netflix. If I jump from this window, the only thing I'll be watching is my life flashing before my eyes. I told her straight. Precious, just say I am your boyfriend. You needed to see the look on her face, the disgust. She looked at me like someone who mistakenly leaked salt instead of sugar. She shook her head aggressively and said, Mm-mm, that cannot work at all.

Precious 31:58

My mother would kill me. My father would disown me. We can't say that.

Check Edgar 32:02

After going back and forth, we settled for the safest lie that I was her course mates who came over to help her with her assignment. That was the biggest mistake I made. Precious was a law student. What do I know about law? I only agreed in a hurry. Checkmates, I had no idea what was coming. I walked into the living room. Smiling like a responsible young man, I saw her parents clearly. They were watching TV. Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon, ma. They nodded. Her mother had a little smile on her face, but her father wasn't smiling. He was looking at me as if I had stolen his spear tire. I did not even understand him.

Precious's Mom 32:48

Good afternoon. Your precious friend.

Check Edgar 32:52

Yes, ma. We are in the same school.

Precious's Mom 32:55

Oh, wonderful.

Father’s Grill: Legal Questions

Check Edgar 32:58

What are you studying, young man? Law sir. I was beginning to relax. This was going well. Too well. Until her father's face changed. He sat up, adjusted his glasses, looked at me with new interest. Oh, wonderful. That's fantastic. Are you studying law? You know, I studied law. That makes us too. Checkmates, my soul left my body for the second time that day. Of all the fathers in Lagos, of all the parents in Nigeria, I had to meet the one who studied law. Why didn't Precious mention that her father studied law? I would have picked another course, maybe English or even mass communication. My armpit started creating sweat. I knew I was about to die. He started small, friendly questions, the kind that seems innocent. So what level are you? I answered something close to sense. 300 levels, sir. Ah, good, good, good. So what course are you currently offering? I mentioned anything that sounded like law. Uh, sir. Constitutional law, sir. And criminal procedure, sir. He nodded, still smiling, but I could see it. He took off his glasses and his filler. I saw his bowed head activating. I wanted the ground to open and swallow me. Then came the first real question. 300-level Unilag student. So, who teaches you constitutional law? Checkmates, I don't know any law lecturer at Unilag. I don't even know any law lecturer anywhere. I started sweating internally. I just said the first name that came to mind. Sir, Professor Okonku, sir. Okonku. Okonku. I don't think that name rings a bell. Maybe he's new. I said, yes, he's new. He's new. Very new, sir. I was about to leave the house thinking God had saved me when he asked me the killer question. Okay. So what topic did you come to teach my daughter today? That was where my brain disconnected. I opened my mouth and nonsense came out. Sir, we are studying the law of uh constitutional rights and fundamental human procedures, sir. Fundamental human procedures? Checkmates, there is no such thing like that in law. I just made it up. Combined words that sounded legal and hoped for the best. Precious was behind me. The way she was shaking her head, eh? I could tell that jumping out the window was a better option. Fundamental human procedures? Yes, sir. It's a very important topic, sir. It deals with the procedures of human fundamentals in the constitution, sir. I was saying nonsense with full confidence. At some point, I sounded like a motivational speaker instead of a law student. You see, sir, the law is not just about knowing, it's about applying. And application requires understanding. And understanding requires wisdom. And wisdom. Wisdom is power, sir. Wisdom is power. Right. Wisdom is power. Okay. I could feel the lie slowly dying in the room. Her father wore his cap and glasses and continued watching his TV. Her mother, on the other hand, was smiling at me the whole time, nodding, approving like I was making perfect sense.

Precious's Mom 36:50

This boy is brilliant. Precious. You're lucky to have such a smart friend.

Escape With Dignity In Pieces

Check Edgar 36:56

Thank God for Nigerian mothers who do not ask too many questions. I told her parents I was going home. Her mother asked about eating. I told her I wasn't hungry. She smiled at me and told Precious to escort me. Just as I was about to leave the house, her father said, Mr. Edgar, don't come around here to teach our law again. Okay? I said, Yes, sir. You see, I'm not a fool. I only allow this because I'm in a good mood. Precious. Take these materials and give to your neighbor. Edgar can go with you. Her mother was confused but couldn't say anything.

Precious's Mom 37:38

And after that, go to the market and buy the tomatoes, eh? I forgot to buy some earlier.

Aftermath, Apology, And Lessons

Check Edgar 37:43

We walked to the neighbor's house in silence. Delivered the materials, walked to the market, bought tomatoes, came back to the house with public transport. The whole time, I was just upset. Precious could not even look me in the eyes. I drove home that evening, sick, tired, embarrassed, and hungry. It came back with vengeance. My head was pounding, my body was aching, I could barely see the road. But I couldn't tell anyone what happened. How would I even start? Oh, I hid in a wardrobe for 30 minutes on Valentine's Day and got interrogated about law by a lawyer. Nobody would believe me. And honestly, I didn't want to even remember it. I got home, took medicine, and slept like a dead man. And I vowed never again will I spend quality time with a woman in her parents' house. Never. Guys, if you're listening to this right now, that is a red flag. Do not. About mission. About mission. About mission. After everything cooled down, Precious apologized. She called me a few days later and said sorry. We laughed about it. Briefly, awkwardly. She told me the reason why she couldn't tell her parents we were dating was that she had not told her parents she broke up with her ex. I don't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I didn't care. I just nodded slowly, even though she couldn't see me on the phone. We chatted a few times after that, but weeks later, the friendship had a natural death. Looking back now, that day wasn't funny. It was embarrassing. It was painful. I went looking for romance and met Nigerian parents unexpectedly. I went for Netflix and chill and got an oral examination. I went for love and got wardrobe trauma. Something in me tells me that her father knew I was lying. In fact, he knew why I was there. But one thing I know, that's how my Valentine died. And somehow, that's why I am still single. Still single to this very day. Alright, and that's the end of today's episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. If you did, please don't forget to subscribe, rate the podcast, and share it with your friends, singles, dating, married, or hiding in wardrobes. Everyone needs to hear this madness. Now, before you go, I have some announcements. Important announcements. First, TGIF4 is coming. Yes, checkmates, it's time for another thank God it's Friday episode where I get to celebrate you guys. I want to hear your voices, your stories, your confessions, and your questions. Use the speakpipe or Google Drive link in the show notes to send your audio recordings. You can share your craziest dating stories. Questions you want me to answer, we call that hot seat. Love notes, if you want to shoot your shots, alright? Comment about any episode from TGIF3 to this very moment. Now keep it under 2 to 3 minutes and let your voice be heard. Now, secondly, I am trying to shoot video versions of this podcast, and honestly, it is quite expensive. If you have been enjoying these episodes and you want to see them come to life visually, please visit the website www.cheketgar.com to donate. Even small, small support goes a long way. Now this podcast ends the day I get married, and who knows, maybe one day I'll meet someone who won't make me hide in the wardrobe. Maybe I'll find love that doesn't come with a law examination. But until then, I'll keep sharing my stories. I'll keep making you guys laugh at my pain and I'll keep asking the same question why am I still single? Happy, happy Valentine checkmates. Enjoy. Edgar doesn't lie. Check Edgar out.