Johnzelle Anderson a single father/therapist

https://stan.store/jenniferG1

https://www.amazon.com/Solo-Parenting-Essential-Navigating-Challenges/dp/1068965509/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2LXWIFJ5WV2J6&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.oZnVj571ZEWD-MA1wqML-RgjoAN8NaYxtEEO0jjioKwUv5IEQAcRxZLx3uAys15FtQItJybEfKEYjC7AxlA8Xw.CWFchQzVBr10vnjfQsWhVO2_AAkeWIXkkaXNRtHw7a8&dib_tag=se&keywords=solo+parenting+Jennifer+gill&qid=1775013037&sprefix=solo+parenting+jennifer+gill%2Caps%2C161&sr=8-1

https://www.facebook.com/soloparenting1/

If you want to connect with me, email me at jennifergill68@gmail.com or you can dm me 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Well, hi everyone. Um welcome to the solo parenting podcast. I'm your host, Jennifer Gill. I've got another amazing guest. His name is John Zell Anderson. Um he's even had some triumph to oh sorry, I forgot what I was gonna say. Um his uh journey from trauma to triumph. That's what I was trying to say. So let me just let you know a little bit about John before I introduce you to him. John is John Zell is an author, he's a therapist and a storyteller who weaves I think that's right. I can't even read my own writing. Weaves a raw lyrical portal of resilience, identity, and healing. He was born to a disengaged West African father and a volatile white mother. John Zell grew up in a mixed race in the 1990s, feeling like an outsider, he adored childhood abuse, neglect, and racism. He clinged to his grandmother's love and his inner voice, an inner voice promising him for a better future. John Zell's journey from trauma to triumph, from being body shamed and silenced to both building a career in mental health and forming a family of his own. So, welcome, John Zell. How are you doing today?

SPEAKER_01 1:47

Thank you. Uh I am doing pretty well. Um, thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

You're welcome. So, how did how did your journey start? So, let our listeners know. So, what actually happened like as far as back so I guess my journey of living is what you're asking.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Yeah. So I uh I was born in '92 um in Southwest Virginia. Uh my uh father is a uh immigrant from Sierra Leone, West Africa, and um my mother is a white lady from Michigan. And um, you know, I talk in my book about uh the um the volatile relationship that they had um and kind of how um my existence was uh crisis pregnancy, right? It wasn't planned. So um, and then uh obviously my story begins with what what do you what does a child that wasn't wanted do when they exist anyway, right? Yeah. Um and that um existence of being black but being raised in whiteness and um you know uh navigating uh the in-between, you know, between those those races and then also just identity development as a person, you know, growing up in the world. So um that's kind of where it started, and it obviously led to, you know, there's a bunch of twists and turns and things like that that led to who I am today.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Okay, so sounds like your father was not involved in your raising whatsoever, and you were only raised now. So it was only raised by your mom then, that's correct.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Yes, and my grandmother, maternal grandmother.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Okay, so was that your mom's mother, or was that your okay, okay. Did you ever see maybe your your dad's parents at all, or were they not?

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah, so I have I have a few um memories and I share about them in the in the book. I met my uh paternal grandmother one time, and I talk about that in the book about how it was a great experience, um, you know, meeting my black grandmother. Um, and then I never saw her again, you know. Okay. Um, so I got bits and pieces of um where I come from, but it wasn't, you know, hey, we're happy to have you here. Here's where we come from, we support you. It was kind of like piecemeal in the midst of being like you're in the way kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

So oh, that's so sad. So, how was your schooling? Like, uh, did you face a lot of racism while you were in school then?

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Or I don't I don't I didn't deal with a ton of racism in school. Um, most of the this is gonna sound sad too. I promise y'all my book isn't doom and gloom, but um uh what I'll say is a lot of the racism I experienced was at home. Uh, you know, it's that experience of like your first racist being your caregivers, like my white mother and and grandmother and the things they would say about my African father, or uh, you know, using the N Slur, or um, and then I when I say at home, I also mean like in the neighborhood, like uh, you know, friends I would have and comments that they would say about me being black and what that meant about me and stuff like that. So a lot of the racism I've experienced in my life wasn't in the school setting. I I always thought of school as my safe place. So um, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Wow. So did you have a lot of friends at school then, or was it just only in your neighborhood then?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

I I had a few friends um at school. Um, it's gonna sound cliche or kind of geeky, but uh music and books were my friends. They still are.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Um, so I I read a lot and I listen to a lot of music. Um connecting with stories uh feels like friendship to me. Uh, but I did have friends um that were significant throughout my development. Um and obviously, you know, as humans, we're not meant to be in isolation. So uh building community in the spaces that we occupy is very important.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

So okay. So maybe talk to um our listeners because maybe somebody's actually going through this as well. Um, what would you suggest, or what would you recommend? Anything that how to like how to navigate this dark cloud that's sitting on them to to brighter sunshine days, like or even their child is going through this.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Yeah, that's really important. Um, you know what writing my story taught me the thesis kind of like revealed itself, but you know, as humans, we're not meant to be alone, we were wired for connection. Um, and so if that is true, then unreciprocated connection is gonna hurt us because it's unsustainable. Um, and what I mean by reciprocation, we all want to be love, liked, and understood. Yeah, um, we want to give love, like, and understanding, and we want to love like and understand ourselves internally. Um, so what I would say to somebody going through it is what I say to myself, uh, which is you're worthy of reciprocity. Um, you know, I drop little anecdotes about what I wrote about in my book, and you're you're like, oh, it's sad. That's true. It is sad. Uh trauma is hard. What I learned and what I tell myself even to this day is I'm worthy of reciprocity. So when things don't go right and they'll keep not going right on occasion. Uh, and to the listeners who are struggling right now, if things aren't going right for you, just remember you are worthy of reciprocity. You don't have to earn it. Um, you're worthy of connection, you don't have to earn it. You're human. You were wired and designed to be in connection with people who can love, like, and understand you, and that you can love, like, and understand, and you're worthy of doing it for yourself. So that's what I would say to encourage somebody.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Okay. So as you got through high school, and then and you did you ever go on to um university or anything, like higher education?

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Yeah. Uh I did uh I have a bachelor's uh in psychology and a minor in elementary education. Um, I decided that I didn't want to be an elementary school teacher, so that I then went to grad school and became a therapist. So I have a master's in professional counseling.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Okay. So any kind of stories maybe that stick out that you would like to share with our listeners that that could maybe help them from being a therapist?

SPEAKER_01 9:21

Yeah, uh let me think. Yeah. Um I'm trying to think of one. Give me a second.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Sure, sure. Yeah, take your time.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

There's a um a story that I I share in the book about when I really I had an experience in which I really understood that being a a therapist was something that uh was in me. Um, you know, I, you know, I introduced myself as a therapist and a storyteller, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

I more these days, I I I see the crossover between the two. Like, yes, I'm a therapist, but in therapy, what is therapy but storytelling? Right? You go in, you tell your story, you you reframe, you heal. Um, and as a storyteller, me telling my story is therapy for me. Me producing a story that other people can resonate with could be therapy to them. Like it, they they transcend each other, they they they overlap. And so one of the stories I share about uh occurred when I was in grad school. And um there was this uh guy that I I went to grad school with, and I had briefly lived in campus housing. Um and that semester I met this guy, and we had built a rapport and things like that. Um, and the first time I met him, I knew he was gay. Um, but he hadn't come out yet. So um, you know, throughout that semester, I saw, you know, people make fun of him. Um, it was at a uh very uh conservative uh university that was, you know, had its own um you know issues and things like that. And he, you know, I saw somebody who was daring to exist, but in unsafe spaces. And I think from my own upbringing in a different way, um, daring to exist in unsafe spaces is something that just, you know, I'm I'm versed at. Um, and so, you know, in our friendship and the rapport that we built, there comes a point where he like asks me to, you know, go get dinner with him, and then he reveals, you know, I'm gay. And I was like, okay, thank you for sharing that. I already knew, but I was able to hold safe space for him. And then that comfort that he had with me to share on his own terms also had him where he opened up to me about some other stuff that he had been through, not trying to use me as his therapist or anything like that, but just as a friend. And and I think looking back at that um and and seeing how um I was here, I was in school studying to be a therapist, but as a friend, as a person who you know gets to know people um and makes connections with them, understanding that or seeing that it is in me to be able to hold other people's stories and to um be along for the journey to help them heal. So um that's one one story that kind of um you know, I share in the book, but also that uh I think about often because um, you know life isn't easy for everyone. Um and uh whether it be through telling our stories, having uh being able to read a story, being able to sit with somebody, being able to have friendships and connections and community, um, you know, doing something like this where you can, you know, talk to somebody on a podcast or someone listens to a conversation between two people they may not ever meet. Um it it all contributes to what I was saying about everything is stories. So um it that feels good that by daring to exist, we can make the our sphere of influence a better place.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Okay. So if somebody was to read your book, where could they purchase it from?

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Yeah, so it's available um wherever you buy books online, uh, like uh Amazon, Barnes and Noble, um, uh bookshop.org. But if you want to find uh the easiest way to see everything in one place, uh I have my author website, which is johnzell.co. So it's my first name, J-O-H-N-Z-Legzra E-L-L-E.co. Um, and on there you can find uh it's available in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook, and all the links are there. I also have um a signed paperback that you could get. Um and you just click the link on there and I, you know, personally sign it to you and mail it out to you. So um that that's one place where you can see like all of the places to find it. But if you want to just search it up in wherever your favorite online book retailer is, uh you can find it there as well.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

And this the title of the book is called It's Mixtape a Memoir. Mixtape and Memoir. Okay, awesome.

unknown 14:52

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

And so besides your website, is are you on social media at all? So if somebody wanted to connect with you.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Yes, I am. I'm on Instagram at Johnzell underscore. So that's J-O-H-N like Nancy Z Leg Z bra e L L E underscore. So uh, and when you search it up, uh you'll see uh the profile picture is the cover of my book. So it's like the green cover uh with the silhouette of me. So um it's pretty easy to find on Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Okay, awesome. So any last words to our audience that you may want to share with you them?

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Yeah. Um, something that I say to my clients at the end of every session, and I don't say it just to be pithy or you know, sound like a therapist. I say it because I really mean it. Um when I conclude a session with somebody, I say, be kind to yourself, and I'll do the same. And I say that to them because, you know, like I told you, you know, life can be hard. Um, but being kind to yourself is one of sometimes the most difficult thing that you could do, but it's also the most important thing you can do. Um, like I mentioned before, that love, like an understanding internally, you got to do that all the time. And when I remind my client to do it, be kind to yourself. And then I say, and I'll do the same. I'm making a promise to myself that I'll do it as well. And there's power in asking someone to do something and telling them you'll do it too. Like, you know, telling someone, hey, you should read more, or you should go to the gym. If I don't read and go to the gym, they're not gonna trust what I say, right? Yeah, so when I say be kind to yourself and I'll do the same, I'm making a promise to them and to myself that I'm gonna do the very same thing because I don't want to be a liar. So um I'm gonna tell all of your listeners, be kind to yourself and I'll do the same. And Jennifer will do the same as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Yes, definitely, definitely. So everybody goes through our hardships, and then we we see the sunshine, like including myself, like being a solo parent. You don't know when you actually get into that trauma that you know what you're gonna have to go through. And I've endured a lot of pain and a lot of uh sleepless nights and crying and at night, and then thinking, you know, like I can't do this anymore. But then you need something or someone to kind of encourage you. And I also found that just looking at my children's faces, like how I brought them into the world, that you know, gives me power to continue on and not give up. So that makes a huge difference. So, was there anything like that for you that maybe um that you had or hope or something that you know these this will pass and then I will be able to carry on and have a better future for myself?

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Yeah, that's a great question. Um, you know, when I finished this book, um, it's it's not funny, I guess, but I was sitting at my desk, you know, because I was married, and um I was sitting at my desk doing like some final edits before sending it off to the publisher. And I was blindsided by a separation, like less than 24 hours before the U-Haul was gonna show up. Like it was very jarring. And um, you know, a person who would read this book wouldn't know that something was gonna go wrong unless you read to the acknowledgments, where I, you know, write something to my ex kind of as a farewell, but you know, um, and so that was when I became a single parent. I I imagined when this book came out a very different reality than what I have. Um so as far as being a single parent, um I would go back to the encouragement I gave before, and it's that you're worthy of reciprocity. Um, you know, everyone's parent or journey to becoming a single parent is different. Mine, um, you know, my daughter is six. Um, you know, the the the experience of like, okay, well, we were married, we had a child, um, and then it splits. Um, and then I primarily like I have my daughter about 60% of the time. So um, and then on top of that, I'm a company of one as a therapist. I run my own business. I'm clearly out here, you know, I publish my book, I'm promoting it, and all of this. Um, it's exhausting being a single parent. It's exhausting, you know, for me being a black man, you know, in America. It's exhausting being, I mean, not exhausting completely, but like I got back out there and started dating again. Um, and so, you know, uh, and I'm bisexual, so I I was dating um, you know, I was married to a woman, so I was like, oh, let me date men. And, you know, the the the identity uh uh that people project upon you or how people act and stuff like that, um just to simply exist, you know. Um, and so what I what what I go back to, the encouragement to single parents who may have similar or different experiences to me is that you're worthy of reciprocity. So whether that be in the care, the the community that helps you care for your children, um, the you know, you're not a burden by needing help, uh, because in the end it would took two people to make your child. So it's it it's not unreasonable to be like one person can't do it all all the time. Uh we are superhuman in that we oftentimes do it anyway. Uh we're superhuman in that, like in my case, I am a whole full-time therapist, I'm a published author, I'm uh the primary percentage parent for my daughter, and I still take care of myself. I, you know, I have a boyfriend now, I, you know, take care of my house, I have a pet, I, you know, I am an active member of my community, and it seems like, oh, he's doing it all. It's not easy. I'm I'm very tired. I'm exhausted sometimes. Like I was running errands, and of course I prioritize time for this, but like I didn't get home in time, so I'm doing the interview from my car, right? This is what it's like to be a single parent. You you keep moving, but there are times where it's like I'm exhausted. And and and you're worthy of reciprocity there too. Sometimes you need to rest, sometimes you gotta say no. No is a complete sentence. So I hope there were some nuggets of uh hope and inspiration in there because I wish I could say, here's the formula. To do it, but it's different for everybody, and I'm it's still ongoing for me for sure.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Yep, yep. Totally love it. Thank you so much for sharing your story. And I exactly know how you feel. Where at the end of the day, sometimes you're just like, oh my god, like I can't do this anymore. But then you're like, okay, you know what? I'll just rest, I won't do this, and then I'll carry on. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

You're welcome. So that was my guest, Johnzell Anderson. If you want to connect with him, he's on Instagram and he's got a website as well. Um, if you want to connect with me, um, you can connect with me at my stance or I'll put the links in the bottom in the show notes. And also, I've got a book called uh solo parenting, author Jennifer Gill, it's on Amazon.com as well. Or if you just want to connect with me personally, my email is at jennifergale68 at gmail.com, and I'll gladly uh reach out to you. I do it right away within like 12 hours. And if you just want to chit chat or you just want some ideas, definitely reach out. You're not alone, you can do it. I've done it, there's other parents that have done it, so hang in there, it's just a temporary dark cloud hanging on you. It the wind will come by and blow it away, and the sunshine will peek through. So until the next guest, have a great day, and I will see you on the next podcast.