Dennis Quinn Talks about being a big brother to Mike

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to the solo parenting podcast. I've got another amazing guest today. His name is Dennis Quinn. He's an author. He is also a big brother, big sister volunteer. So let me just let me give you a little bit about him. He's Dennis is a three-time big brother, big sister volunteer. He assists in the mentor program in the juvenile court system. Quinn retired in 2023 following careers in real estate and a flight attendant. He published a book called Stack, sorry, Stick Figures. And he also remembers his memoir of 13 years with his little brother, Mike, who was later diagnosed with mental illness. Dennis writes and speaks engagement, honors Mike, his little brother, Legacy, giving a voice to at-risk children in need of additional adult guidance and support. So welcome, Dennis. How are you doing this morning?

SPEAKER_01 1:13

I'm doing great, Jennifer. Thank you very much for having me on the phone, the show. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

You're welcome. So uh what influenced you to become a Big Brothers volunteer?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

I grew up in a family of nine children. I was the second oldest. And my parents were both very involved in our family all the time, you know, growing up. And when I was young, I was watching TV and there was a public service announcement on about Big Brothers, Big Sisters. And I told one of my sisters at that time, I said, you know, if I ever move away from home, I think I will do that. So after I left Montana and got my flying job in Minnesota, I had plenty of free time. And I I actually applied to be a big brother and was matched with an 11-year-old boy at that point. Uh and I was I was with him for four years while while I lived there prior to moving, transferring to Seattle. And then I have twice since then been big brothers to other kids. But it was that inspiration of having my parents involved in our our growing up and our daily lives. It was so such an impact. And to I couldn't imagine a kid growing up without a dad in the home or and what he would miss. And so it was to step in and help out some kid that was in that that space.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Awesome. So I know because you're in the United States, um, I don't know if there's any like big brothers or sisters in Canada. I know we used to have them, but I don't know if we have them anymore, especially with being a solo parent, like the mom, for instance, mostly all it's always mums that are uh gone out for the day, so they don't have anybody. So where could one maybe try to find a big brother or big sister that they can hang with after school until the parent maybe comes? Do you know?

SPEAKER_01 3:16

I I believe that the the big brother, big sister organizations that that Canada does have a national organization of it, and are they active in 12 different countries. And with that particular program, how it works is is the the the kid and the mentor, the mentor is screened, and the kid the parents apply for the program, but the they are matched individually. And currently the the match I'm in, they require uh four times a month, they're uh require a year can commitment so that you don't get close to this kid and then bail on them. Um and and it's usually a weekly ongoing, weekly or every other week ongoing time where you would go out and spend time, take this kid out places and spend time with them to do different different fun things, it's pretty wide open what you can do. And the advantage to that it's not somebody who is taking care of them every day, like after school or in the after school hours, but it's somebody who comes in their life, especially if it's a it's a mom and the you know, there's not a uh father or an uncle or somebody that's involved in their life. This gives that that kid um you know a male friend that he can look up to and and serve as a mentor to him, help him expose him to different things. And that's that's the focus of that the program. And yeah, and and I know for for single parenting too, it my experience with the matches I've had is is that the the uh the mentoring figure it has helped out the parent, the sing the parent, in that uh they you know it gives them a break for a couple hours where the kid is gone. It helps them sometimes communicate. I've had experiences in in my matches where the kid was holding on to something and he was uncomfortable telling the mother, and finally he he opened up to me. And at that point, then he and I told the mom together what was kind of going on, and and it just helped help open that communication space that they might not want to tell a parent, but they might try to talk to a trusted friend. Um, so it's it's it's an advantage to that. And I also think it the mothers I have worked with, it I'm sorry, gives them a support, you know, to feel that they have some support in in the the uh the process of raising the child.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

So the you guys only meet up four times in the month.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

So if somebody wanted longer, or is there like can they probably have to have to look to a different different program?

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

What I do the the one I do, it's kind of a long-term out of school, out of the house kind of match thing. They also have, I know Big Brothers here and Big Brother Sisters here has has some school-based programs that are are uh like tech people in tech go and meet with middle school kids and kind of you know meet with them on the school grounds or with you know an organized situation that is more specified to that. But it still has the same effect of here I'm dealing with another adult and and I can learn how to interact with other people and and that helps me in my social development as a as a kid.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Okay. And how has this experience maybe impacted your impacted you and personally?

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Like for me, I got I think I got into it with the idea, okay, I'm gonna go help this kid and make things better for him, and that. And what I learned as I went along was that was not the role at all, and that's not what happened. What happened for me was that it exposed me to somebody else's life situation. It they came from a different background than I did. They they their family structure was completely different than mine. And so I learned from them the exposure to how other people are living. And my role was has been and continues to be to show up and be a friend and be a presence in their life, somebody who is they can trust, somebody who's committed to showing up and can expose them to different different things. My second match that I had was with a seven-year-old boy who had disabilities, and he had been bounced in and out about the foster system from the time he was two, and he was seven when I met him, and and was being in the process of being adopted by his foster mother, who had been helping him. And that that meant that is the book, Stick Figures, a Big Brother Remembers, is is about our journey together. He was seven-year-old, had had uh uh significant neurological and some mental difficulties. And I when I met him the first four or five years, we would get together and it was it was really helpful for him. And when he hit uh puberty, he developed mental illness himself, and that then shifted the whole parameter and went into a series of where it was it was unsafe for him to live at home. He was put in group homes, he was put in uh you know individual homes, foster homes, and all of that his disease made it impossible for him to live in that where he was finally hospitalized. And throughout that entire period of time, I saw him and I would get together with him. And it it it made me realize there's a whole different world out there and and how fortunate I I was, and and that that all I could do was show up and and let him know that hey, somebody's still here for you.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Oh wow. So the book is based on his life then, like that you wrote, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:31

It's it's based on our time together from when I met him when he was seven to to his journey through the mental hospitals and and finally that mental illness of his took his life. And during the so it was it, it was uh for me, it was profound to see someone go through that and to be there with him and try to figure out what my role was and and what I could do to help him, or what I could do just uh assure him that hey, somebody's here from your past. His adoptive mother was 63 when she adopted him, and and by the end, but by the time he was in his 18, 19 year old, he she her health had declined where she couldn't really keep him, I mean, keep in touch with him and that. So it was that's one role that I played there.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

Okay. So what are some challenges and rewards that you had publishing your book?

SPEAKER_01 10:35

The the challenges were to when it all got together, there were personal items of of me and my relationship with the Big Brother agency. I I'm a gay man, and and there was some resistance at from the Seattle agency at that time to us assigning to they weren't accepting applicants from gay people. Um so to get through that, but then also to work with this kid and learn how to communicate with him. He had real tough speech problems, what how to balance out what I needed with him. So it for my boundaries it helped me. It helped me take a look at what my belief system were because I was very challenged with the fact that this kid had been dropped on earth in a situation which was unsafe for him. He was given a chance with the foster mother, then he was hit again with this mental illness, and that was that was a challenge to understand and accept that the whole thing was a big lesson in acceptance, but it was also very enriching for me. I mean, it was really unique life theater when you're in the mental hospital and you're playing chess with somebody and there's you're in a locked room where all this chaos is going on around you. That just doesn't happen in daily life, usually. Um and then and then the grief after he passed, too. That you know, I I realized that I was blessed to have been given that opportunity, and that uh I didn't understand why it all happened, but that that was how it was, and and it made me a better man to have gone through that with him.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

So what kind of what kind of challenges just did you have like being gay and then joining the big brother sisters? And do they still have that issue as well now?

SPEAKER_01 12:32

They don't when I when I had been a big brother in in Minnesota, and at that time it was before I had come to terms with my sexuality, and I they had asked, and I told them, you know, I was heterosexual. They said that they just had they asked all applicants that, and that if you were gay, it didn't matter, they would just they would, if you were accepted and pass their screening, the mother would be get told that before you were matched with their child because they went over your profile with them, and she would the parent would have the final yes or no on whether that they would accept you. When I went into the Seattle areas uh several years later and applied at the orientation meeting, the man stood up there and and said, We are looking for heterosexual role models for our kids. And I asked about it after. He said that they had had a lawsuit that they had been sued, and for that, their board had made the determination that they weren't going to accept gay applicants, and they were only one of five chapters in the entire country that was doing that at that time. Um, I met further than with the executive director and sent him a letter. And about six months later, they contacted me and told me he had taken my letter and some others to the board, and they got the policy changed in in line with the national policy that they would accept gay applicants. But uh, and the the parent would have the thing. So that was that was the challenge with it, and and now it that is still the policy that's in place. That have they have a pretty strenuous screening process, and and the parent is really aware. The current big brother, uh the current little brother I have, their parent was told you know what my sexual orientation was, and both the the mother and the and the child were aware of that and said it was it was fine with them. They have a waiting list. Every big brother agency in the country has a waiting list of kids wanting a wanting a big brother and sometimes a big sister too. And and uh my position was that that I'm here to help. And if you didn't, if you had 100 volunteers waiting for kids, it would be a different story, but that wasn't the case. And and they were denying a kid somebody that was willing to help them out, and which in Mike's case turned out to be a really long-term helpful thing for him to have somebody in his life. So the fact that I was gay or not didn't matter, that wasn't involved in our relationship. Our relationship was being friends, that he could trust me, that he could, that I could help him and help his mother with with things that you know she needed. She would tell me sometimes, like, okay, he's having a little trouble with school, you know, he's you know, and that sort of thing. So um, but I had to I had to stand up for that. And and that sort of thing in the book was when I got down to publishing it, that that kind of stuff scratches deep inside. And it's like, okay, I've just got to let this go, put it out there, and because it is part of the story. But it was uh it was a good part in the long run.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Did you get a lot of rejections though? Like, or was it just everything was okay though, once you were approved and the law was changed?

SPEAKER_01 15:52

I I got accepted right away after that, and as did my partner, who was matched with a seven-year-old at the same time. And we still see his little brother and the little brother's wife. He's 40 years old. Now, I don't know how he got so old because we haven't gotten any older, but yeah, but uh no, I and then I have had in the last match there was a uh a family that that uh that said no that that we didn't want a gay big brother, but there was somebody else waiting that did, and it and it has turned out to be a a pretty good match thus far.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Okay, and so your book could be um it's every all bookstores in the United States and across the world.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Sure, it's on on it's on Amazon. Yeah, you'd be able to find it there. It's also on my website, which is DJQinauthor.com. It's for sale there. And uh it's uh it's it's well written, it's a little bit sad, but it's also takes a look at some real difficult issues in in you know the the mental illness and the care. I learned a lot about the challenges that families that have handicap or mentally in ill people face, and it is a 24 or 7 job for parents who are who have those children because it's it just it's a huge challenge, but it's also really can be really rewarding. And it's important that people in in the community not only in like a mentorship role, but people in the community are being involved in their lives. I saw how hard it was to find mic housing. I have some handicapped people now that friends that you know are living independently, but that independent living depends on the help of some other people that to make sure that help them out at different times and when they need stuff. And uh it's uh you know that's that's what we we need a lot of in this country, and and I'm sure in Canada too.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Yeah, we do. So, how did your little brother's mental illness affect you?

SPEAKER_01 18:08

It opened my eyes to seeing how it was. It helped me realize that there are certain things that I can't change, that I can't control. Uh, it helped me have more empathy towards him and towards some of my handicapped friends that I work with now. Um but it still pond, I still don't understand why. You know, why does do I have melon illness? Why doesn't this person? Um all of that. And it gave me some same some good laughs and whatnot, and it really touched me my my heart. And I I still have a bit of his ashes and the ashes of his mom um here with me there in my office. And it it really helped me be very grateful. It it it touched my life deeply. It and I I still honor them. And I have when I see people on the street, he lived on the street for a little while. You know, it hey, that could be him. That could be him, and that's somebody's brother or somebody's sister that that's out there struggling, and what can I do to help him?

unknown 19:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

But uh yeah, that was the the main impact on me. And I I I treasure every minute that I had with that kid because he was uh he was a one in a million unique unique kid from the time I met him uh till to the day he died.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

So somebody that's um like struggling with mental illness, maybe, and like maybe like the mom has a child that's struggling with mental illness and doesn't know what to do or maybe um like where to go. Any suggestions on that?

SPEAKER_01 19:57

Like where they could maybe I I would look up support groups because one just knowing you're not the only person in the world struggling with that sort of thing is is really really helpful to have other people that you're in connection with that have children or family members in the same position that you are is is really helpful. It helps you get some idea. It's it's it's common, like for whatever challenge you're going through, there's somebody else that you can help. And that might be through what you have learned, the simple slip steps you've learned that help your child that's mentally how help them cope, or it it can be somebody else helping you. And that is really, really powerful. Um and and that is where you can find resources is is through those kind of groups, through people who are have had the experience and have some ex some knowledge of of what's available, things that have helped them. And that that is what I would do in that. Because there are huge communities of it. I think some of the shame around mental illness is is lifting a little bit, so people talk about it a little more. Um but then there are cases like Mike, my little brother, where it gets to the point where the the living situations are extremely different and extremely limited. And he he was hospitalized, and there were people there that were angels. They were taking care of these folks that that nobody else could care for. And uh there's a big need for it out there.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Yes, definitely. Yeah, see, like sometimes like I know like my mom just got transferred into long term, and she's got sort of dementia. But with the strokes that she's had has affected her thinking, and they keep saying the same thing over again, over again, or they just keep repeating everything in their head, but they'll look perfectly fine, but you have no idea what's going on in their head.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

So it's and you how and you have to you have to find whatever resources you can as far as how do I deal with. And somebody who may have gone through that would have some really good ideas on it. I have a friend that wrote a book, uh, a dementia home care handbook, and she had taken care of three three family members that had gone through dementia. She had been their caregiver. And she took what she had learned and put it together in sort of a workbook of hints of things to do and how to enjoy a laugh with people and how to put up with those repetitive questions and and certain things you can do to help. Like, for example, she said black carpeting or dark carpeting was upsetting to people who have dementia a lot of times and they wouldn't walk over it. And things just handy tips like that. It's Tracy Cram Perkins is her name, and she did a good job of putting that into just very simple, uh uh easy, easy to easy to read tips and that. And uh and I know what I went through with my father just passed away recently, and he he the last few few months was that in that state too, where he repeated over and over, and and you know it uh it's a tough challenge. And a huge portion of our population is going through that at this point because of the ages we are and the ages our parents are, and people living longer.

unknown 23:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

So I guess like mental illness would be different than having somebody having dementia. Is that true?

SPEAKER_01 24:02

That's that's true. In that, for example, in Mike's case, he had psychotic episodes where he was hearing somebody telling him something to do this or do that, versus dementia where it's confusion or forgetfulness and that, but it also both of them have, you know, how do I deal with somebody who's a little bit out of of the reality bit the the realism? I mean, things are not like somebody that's that's mentally ill can't cope with what's going on at certain situations, and as can a person with dementia, the same thing, can't remember or can't, you know, function, the function gets more limited and whatnot, and they need care, they need people to watch help for them and help them. Um and and that's when when Mike died, and and I brought his things home from the mental hospital. One thing was there was a relief that he wasn't locked up anymore because he had reached that state of being that he had to be in a locked building all the time. And you know, my dogs had more freedom than he did, and that was tough to see. Um, but but that was one of the things I was grateful for at that point. And with the dementia thing, you know, with a your mom, you watch that go progress, and it it becomes a challenge, but it also becomes a if you can laugh about it, that's important too. She has had Tracy has that in her book as far as enjoy a laugh about it, because you'll look back on the time and you and you'll be grateful for the time you had to spend with them.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

Yeah, yeah. Awesome. So if somebody wanted to connect with you, like are you all over social media?

SPEAKER_01 25:56

And I'm on Facebook, DJ Quinn Author, uh or or my website. I they can reach me at my website, which is d djquin author.com. And and yeah, I'd be happy to hear from anybody out there. And and uh, you know, it's that's one thing that's been nice about having the book. You get out there and talk a little bit more with people and book clubs and and and meet some people. And a lot of people come and tell me after I've talked with them that you know about their family members that suffer from mental illness or that and how they've handled it and things. So uh it it opens that awareness and it opens communication with other people in the same situation. It's been great.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Awesome. Yeah, awesome. Well, thank you for being on the show today. I was learned a lot. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Well, thank you for the work you do because I know from my experience that the single the solo parenting is a big, big, big challenge. And uh anything you can do to help people that are in that position, it's it's always great. So I admire you for doing it and uh thank you. Good luck. Okay, thank you. All right, thanks, Jennifer.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Thanks. All right, so that was my guest, Dennis Quinn. Um, like he said, you can reach out to him at his website or Facebook. And if you want to reach out to me, just reach out to me at uh jennifergill68 at gmail.com. I'm also on Facebook. I have got a Facebook group called Solo Parenting, author Jennifer Gill, and I've got a YouTube channel as well for a group. It's again solo parenting. And I've got lots of videos on there, and I've got an Apple podcast, and my book is available on Amazon. And if you want to subscribe to my newsletter, it's at the Stand Store, and I will be putting the links at the bottom of the show notes. And until we meet again for the next podcast, I will talk to you later. Have a great day.