Dr. Wiggins Naturalopathic health and a solo mom

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Oh, hi everyone. Uh welcome back to the Solo Parenting Podcast. I've got another amazing guest today. Her name is Dr. Wiggins, and she's a natural path, and she is also a solo mum. So she knows and how we can relate about the topics. So she's like I said, she's a natural path doctor, and she's an author of a book called The Pink Canary. And she's also a host of The Pleasure Principles, which is a top 1% podcast. She helps high-achieving women who seem to have it all but are secretly struggling in sexist, sexless, sexless marriages, trapped in a toxic relationship, or building after divorce. Welcome, Dr. Wiggins. How are you doing today?

SPEAKER_01 0:56

I'm doing well. Thank you so much for having me. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

So do you want to maybe explain your story and how you became a naturopath and your solo parenting struggles? Your story, like how does that sure?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

We're gonna need a little longer of a podcast. That's okay. That's okay. I'm around time. Um I I became a naturopath because I had hormonal issues. Okay. And uh actual a history of sexual abuse and trauma, which led to some gynecologic issues. And I felt really, you know, alone trying to navigate the healthcare system. And this is like we're even going back, you know, 20 years now. Oh, wow. And I wasn't getting answers. So I thought I wanted to be a gynecologist. I didn't want other women to feel that alone navigating health, right? And I had I had pelvic pain that was not diagnosed. There was no such thing as pelvic fluorophysiotherapists or anything back then. Um, so they basically said, we don't know, we don't know what's wrong on blood work. We can't find it on imaging. So maybe you're like crazy. Maybe you're making this up, you know? Um, so I felt very, you know, medical gaslighting, minimizing of women's pain. It's all very uh, very much the patriarchal medical system. So, anyways, long story short, I was, I did a pre-med degree. I wanted to be a gynecologist, a medical doctor, but I was shadowing medical doctors. I was doing this program where we got to do go and do a day with any specialty that we wanted, which was amazing. Yeah, but I was thinking, I don't want to do this. Like this is not not what I wanted. This is not for me. Um because the treatment, which we need all types of care. Yeah, yeah, but I wanted to work more on the preventative side, the like optimizing wellness side, so that we didn't end up in situations like I was in. And how does the mind-body work together? Right, especially when it comes to healing from trauma and all those things. And the system didn't allow for that, like it was very algorithmic and it sort of still is. So that's when my sister got mono, and she was not getting better. She didn't have any answers, and actually, she ended up at a naturopathic doctor that really helped her. And I went, Oh, okay, like I can help women with their hormones, and there's mind-body medicine and getting to the root cause of things is sort of the foundation of naturopathic medicine and functional medicine. So I went that route.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

I built a massive women's health clinic, like a really big business that I did without boundaries and it almost swallowed me whole. Um, and when I was in an abusive relationship, which this is leading into my solo parenting journey, yeah, that um it was really hard for me to manage. Okay. I had a baby. I had two businesses at the time, my women's health clinic, and a growing online business helping women with low libido. Uh, and that was after I wrote the Pink Canary. So I just I had a lot on the go. Yeah. Um, and and something sort of had to give. So it plus it was COVID and closing my clinic on the recommendation of my partner. Um that that sort of that's what I did because I couldn't I couldn't keep my head above water anymore. It was too hard to manage everything.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

Um closed my clinic six months later, partner left um and left. So that sort of brings me to the solo parenting thing. So we've been doing he left and then like six weeks later filed for family court, and we've been in family court for three years. So that's sort of been going on behind the scenes, yes. So solo parenting, because I have my daughter probably 90% of the of the time.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

So solo parenting plus managing like coercive legal abuse dynamics, yeah. And still being an entrepreneur and running my own business trying to, you know, rebuild, rebuild my life. That's that's where I am now.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Okay, okay. Wow. That's amazing. What are some uh super traits of successful women and why do women are more vulnerable to toxic relationships?

SPEAKER_01 6:50

That's a great good question. So Sandra Brown is the original researcher that when I found her work, it was like a light bulb went off because it was. I was I had so much shame, and I was questioning how could I be so successful, so strong, smart, you know, and end up in an abusive relationship? Because I didn't understand abuse, didn't understand the dynamics. I didn't understand that me being who I was and the character traits that allowed me to be so successful were also the traits that made me sort of prime pickings for an abuser or toxic relationships. So super traits are um adaptations. We usually get them in childhood where we are higher than average in the population for loyalty, hard work, responsibility, forgiveness, tolerance. Um and so, you know, if something goes wrong in your relationship, you're gonna work really hard to fix it. You're gonna be overly forgiving, overly tolerant when they do the same thing over and over and over. Um you take a little bit more of the blame than you should. So those and those adaptations, like being overly hardworking, taking a lot of responsibility, being very loyal, it makes us excellent in our careers or excellent employees, but it also like in intimate partnership, it makes us really prone to to toxic relationships, to being taken advantage of.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

And what are some signs of um of abusive or um toxic relationship that they should be looking for? Because maybe somebody's right now listening to this and they're probably going through it and they're just wondering like what kind of signs that they just can look out for.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

So there's two, and this is the hard part because I'd got so right, I have I have degrees, I'm educated on so I thought, on abuse and things, but I was in an abusive relationship and didn't know it.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

I we went to therapists and three of four therapists, one saw it, but too late. Um they they didn't see the dynamics for what it was. And it was the fourth therapist that was like after three appointments, like this is abuse, you need to pack a safety bag, this is not oh wow, good. Yeah. Um so even when you're seeking help or going to therapy, if the therapists aren't educated in coercive control or an extreme understanding of domestic violence and and power and control and how that plays out in real life, um, it can often do more harm than good. So the traits that or the things that I would look out for is two things feeling confused or like everything's always your fault. Like and the and your partner never taking accountability or rarely, it's a it if they do, it's performative accountability. They'll say, Oh, I'm I'm sorry, to kind of get the argument to be over, but then they'll just repeat the same behavior, and then you're back in the exact same spot. So, an example is you you know, they did something to hurt you or upset you, and you go to them to say, Hey, that hurt, you said you would do this, you didn't. Yeah, um, I don't feel valued or supported. And then they instead of taking accountability, like, yeah, I'm sorry, yeah, I didn't mean to hurt you. What can I do to make it better? They just they they make it about you. That's the they deny it, they minimize your feelings, and then they make you wrong. They talk about the time 10 years ago that you did something to hurt them, or yeah, they just like they evade accountability and they evade changing any action. So if if you're confused, like that was for me. I was just so confused all the time. And I'm not I'm a smart person, like I can handle a lot of stuff. So I was confused in a partner that never takes accountability, and that's how you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Okay. So like when they're like apologizing, I guess it could um apply to um physical abuse, but just not only mental abuse, I guess, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Uh yeah, it's the abuse cycle. And we're taught to look at abuse as the violent incident model, yeah, right, like assault or like hitting. Um, but that's really coercive control is the underpinning of all abuse. And it follows that same cycle, it's an attempt to maintain power and control over another person. But people don't understand that abuse, like an abuser isn't abusive all the time because then you would leave. So they, if it is the violent incident model and say they did get physical with you, yeah, then there's the apology phase and the love bombing phase, but it's all in an attempt to get you to stay and maintain control so they can keep abusing you.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

And it's the same for the emotional abuse as well and the lack of accountability. They'll give you the crumbs to keep you on the hook. Yeah. But this cycle just repeats.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

Okay, okay. What are some steps that women can take if they're questioning their marriage or maybe thinking about leaving because of the abuse?

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Um call your local women's shelter or a women's shelter. Speak to somebody. Um, because again, we have that confusion, we have that self-doubt. Safety is an issue.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

So having people that are trained to help in those situations are invaluable and those resources are there for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Okay. Wow. And how can women um that are so used to putting others first, but now all of a sudden they have to put themselves first? Like how what can they do?

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Or that that's hard, um, especially when you have super traits, because we're used to giving and thinking of others and putting others first and not receiving ourselves. Yeah. So I find the way, and that's like is we think, oh, just leave. It's not easy to leave, you know, you've been controlled emotionally for years, maybe physically, probably financially. Um, so it's not that simple, but finding little ways to prioritize yourself, like watching a TV show that you want to watch, reading a book that you want to read, um doing things like that, even if it's that small, you're strengthening the muscle to be able to choose yourself.

SPEAKER_00 15:54

Okay. Well, um, do you find that it's more women are being abused, or is it you can you say that maybe men are as well?

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Like no, that it is overwhelmingly that men abuse women. It's not it's not even comparable. And men because the systems are set up by men for men, right? And this, like that's it's patriarchy. We can see it very clearly with what's going on with the American government and the lack of accountability for um sex trafficking and and crimes. And it's not to say that men don't get abused too, because they do, but it is not the prevalence of women being abused, and it's also um like women are murdered by their intimate partners every single day.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

When we're pregnant, our most likely cause of death is from our intimate partner, yeah. So but but that's not the same, right? Women are not murdering their male partners at the same rate. So it's not even a comparison.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Oh wow. Do you want to maybe now just uh explain a little bit about your book and maybe your podcast as well for somebody that wants to connect with you?

SPEAKER_01 17:23

So yeah. Um, so I wrote the pink canary. I because I had my women's health clinic, I was dealing, like I had thousands of women, and they were just saying, I don't feel like myself. I'm depressed, I feel like I'm living life, you know, watching it from above. I don't actually feel like I'm in my body enjoying. I have no desire, I don't care if I have sex ever again. Um so I wrote the pink canary about that, about the pleasure problem. Um, it's called anhedonia. It's the inability to feel pleasure and joy.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

But I wrote that before my abusive relationship um in my solo parenting days. So I'm writing another one right now, which is the which is sort of the the update to that book. Okay. Um every like everything in the pink canary is true. If you're working on, you know, finding yourself, your pleasure, your joy again, the pink canary is a great, um, a great book.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

And I'm there needs to be some some tools for when that stuff doesn't work because you're healing from an abusive relationship or you're in an abusive relationship, and that's the book that I'm writing right now. Um, and my podcast, the Pleasure Principles Podcast, is where you'll get a lot of info from my new book, like or my newer kind of updated work.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

And, you know, that's where we're we're healing and finding our joy again. Yeah. Um even even in small ways, if you're still in the in the toxic relationships, or if you're solo parenting, like how how to find find yourself and your pleasure again. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

And if somebody is listening to this podcast and wants to maybe connect with you, um, how can they reach out to you?

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Or they can send me a DM on Instagram at Dr. JordanWiggins.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Um, and they can fill out on my podcast, my application forms are there. Um, on my Instagram, the link in bio, the application forms are there. So they can fill out an application and we can get on a call.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Are you based in the US or are you in Canada? I'm I'm in Canada, but I work internationally.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Okay, okay, perfect. That's awesome. All right, that was awesome podcast. Learned a lot. Thank you very much. I'd love to have you come back again and explain maybe more details, like the like the stages in the beginning, like just like with a toxic kind of relationship kind of person that if they're in your life, like what kind of clues that you can look out for for what? Um, let's do it. Yeah, that would be so amazing, just to kind of get because I know like you hear the word narcissist, he was a narcissist. Okay, well, then like you don't really know it because for some people they're like, okay, what is that? Right? Like I know when I heard that word, I was like, okay, what is that? And then all of a sudden I have to look this up and I'm like, okay, wow, I've got people like that in my life that are like that.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

So yeah, I'm that's a big conversation. So I'm happy to come back and and have it. And yeah, sometimes we have people in our lives like that, and they are family members, or they're our bosses, or we're married to them, or we're trying to co-parent with them. Yeah, so I've got lots to say on all of that. We can come back for a part two.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Sure, that would be awesome. Thank you so much for coming on.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

You're welcome. All right, have a great day. You too. Thanks.