The Right Questions with James Victore
The Right Questions is designed to help you get paid to do what you love and stay sane in the process.
The Right Questions with James Victore
Episode 53: Lets Talk About Failure... Again
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Ever noticed how we're all conditioned to fear failure?
From spilled milk to creative blocks, our aversion to messing up shapes our lives in profound ways.
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All right, let's do this thing. Cue the fake music. Howdy, I'm Ira Glass and this is this American Life. No, this is the Right Questions. And and I'm James Victoria, and I've got a question for you. Do you love failing? Let me put it like this Do you love failing as much as I love failing? Because I know we all love to fail, right? Isn't that the silliest idea in the world? Enjoying failure, loving failure? I wrote about failure in my book Effect Perfection and I wanted to share that passage with you right now, kind of as an appetizer, as an intro, as a little teaser to talk about failure. So bear with me and I'm going to read. Let me see what this is. Chapter 12, you can read along with me if it makes you feel comfortable. There are no pictures for this, so it's perfect for a podcast. And chapter 12 is called the Success of Failure.
Speaker 1:When I was a kid, I worked winters as a national ski patrol. Being a ski patroller sounds glamorous, but it actually involved a lot of waiting To amuse myself. During downtime, I taught beginners how to ski. More often than not, what simply began as learning a fun sport would slip, twist and slide into an emotional shitshow. Skiers want to ski. They don't want to fall. But falling is a big part of the ski learning curve. But mounting frustration and snow down your ski pants does not lead to progress. I quickly learned that if I wanted to actually teach people to ski, I first had to help them deal with their feelings of failure when they fall.
Speaker 1:We hate to fail. It makes us feel like we've done something wrong. But hey, by putting yourself in a position to fail on the ski slopes or in your business, you've done something very right. The first step down any path is most likely failure. Most great tales of success begin rather grimly. Failure is a teacher, just not always the kindest teacher. Its lesson is not to quit and run in the opposite direction, but to learn from failure to follow its lead. Failure is a test. Its purpose is to weed out those of us who don't want things badly enough. It presents a choice you can stay down or you can get up and try again. Failure is a shepherd who's smarter than you. Because of our reluctance to accept the hard lessons of failure, most of us fail even bigger and don't even know it. We slip into a mediocre life. We quit our goals, lose our crazy aspirations and choose the easy way. The consolation prize is a flat screen TV and a bag of chips, and from the outside this looks like success, but it's actually settling for less. It's comfort disguised as success. The path to success is marked by failure, not just once, but again and again. Accept it and learn, reject it and, well, fail. I still teach beginners how to ski and my best lesson is still if you're not falling, you're not skiing.
Speaker 1:I wanted to ironically call this episode I heart failure, because nobody hearts failure, nobody loves to fail, nobody wants to fail right, but failure is the process. Failure is how we get there. You know, I wanted to. I wanted to paraphrase that old, that old um, uh, it's almost a vaudeville joke. It's so old, it's the old hey, how do I get to Carnegie Hall? And the answer is practice, practice. You know I wanted to change that and say, hey, how do I get to Carnegie Hall? And the answer is fail.
Speaker 1:Fail Because failure is the process. And for you and I, we know this and we still hate failure. But I want us to become more comfortable with it. I want to kind of help us wrap our heads around, help us understand the idea of failure and not avoid it like we do, because we do. We really try to avoid failure and our avoidance comes up in different forms. It comes up as imposter syndrome, it comes up as the blocks, it comes up as self-doubt, it comes up as money issues. It really is that fear of failure, right? So I want to reframe it for us and I admit I had done a little bit of research before doing this article, because I was looking for a new angle, right, a new way to introduce this to you.
Speaker 1:And I read this very interesting article by a very smart person who I won't call out here, but it was about trying to find the fun in failure. And I read through this thing and it was all about trying to find failure that's fun and reframing it so it would be fun. And I thought, well, that my good man is about the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard, because it's not fun. But if we can reframe it and understand it in a different way, we can make it more interesting and we can try not to avoid it like we do, or at least understand it better. So follow me with this, okay.
Speaker 1:When I was a kid, right, I mean, I mentioned it in the article from FEC Perfection. I love that line. When I was a kid, when we when you and I were children we made a mess. Children are messy, it's just the damn truth. We made a mess, we spilled all the time. Hell. I don't want to teach my kids how to paint, because the repercussions of cleaning up scared the pants off me. Right, try teaching a kid how to hold a cup of water for the first time or drink from a cup that isn't a sippy cup. Right, failure is all over the place. Even today, I've got a six and eight year old and trying to teach my kids to pull the plate closer to themselves so their fork doesn't have to travel that half mile with food dripping off of it right Across the plate, across the napkin, across the table, across their lap, across their clothes, all the way into their mouth. Right, spillage is a problem, messes are a problem. But I have to remind myself my children are not a problem, are not a problem. I am the problem. Do you know why I'm the problem? Because my reaction to their trying, to their learning, to their process, is a problem.
Speaker 1:I was talking about this, I remember, a few months ago. I was talking to an old trainer, an old coach of mine, and he was talking about his young daughter, who was still in a high chair at the time, and how he'd put a plate of food in front of her or a cup in front of her and she would slowly slide her hand across the table until it hit the cup and then bonk, knock the cup off the table and it would go splashing onto the floor and she would laugh. And as children, this is the process we go through. This is learning. This is figuring shit out. This is learning physics. This is learning comedy. This is learning what happens when we flail our arms all over the place. This is even learning how to eat right.
Speaker 1:The children are not a problem. They're trying to figure things out. Even if it's funny, it is funny and we can teach them that it is funny and that messes don't have to be a bad thing. But he was telling me this story and telling me how, after every time, he would replace the cup and then he would slap her hand. And I was like, are you fucking kidding? Your child is not the problem, your attitude to their actions is a problem. My reaction to my kids spilling is the problem. Spilling isn't the problem and the kids certainly isn't the problem. Right, everything is perspective, everything is perspective. I remember Keith Richards. You know the Rolling Stone, keith Richards. After being arrested for drug possession, he famously and deftly and beautifully reframed the conversation and he said I don't have a drug problem, I have a police problem. Right, everything is perspective. Often and always, think of the perceived reactions of others.
Speaker 1:Before we can get past that hump and approach failure, we don't even try because we're so afraid of what may other people may think or may do. We are so trained at an early age to fear failure, to fear spillage, to fear a mess. I remember my, my, my son, a few years ago I was moving an air conditioner right, pulling an air conditioner out of a window and it was full of sloppy water in it right, and I remember slowly and painfully leaning it out the window so it wouldn't fall out and letting all that water drain out, because I was so darn smart, right, and I finally manhandle it straight and get all the water out. And then I lift the window up and I go to pick it up to bring it up to the attic and it just goes and spills all this water down me and onto the floor and I'm about to go and my son looks up to me and says it's okay, daddy, it's only water, right, I'm looking at it as failure. I'm looking at it like oh my God, it's water. Oh my God, it's a wooden floor. Oh my God, I tried to do it the right way. Oh my God, it didn't work. It's just water.
Speaker 1:Everything is perspective. So messes can be cleaned, accidents happen. There is literally zero reason to cry over spilled milk. You know, when we try, when we attempt, when we try to extend our reach beyond our current grasp, that's where success lies. That is striving, that is pushing, that is trying. These are important. We look at failure as if every time we attempt something new, that somebody's going to die. Right, every time we make a mess, every time I put a pen to paper and it doesn't work out, that somebody's going to die.
Speaker 1:No, this is important to know, because we got shut down early on, because we made an attempt, because we tried something and it didn't work. Think of the emotional shunting that would happen if we used this kind of coaching or training methods for students or in schools. Right, what if? Fear of punishment or fear of shame or embarrassment, fear of getting something wrong because we answered a question incorrectly. Because we answered a question incorrectly, what if that was how it was taught in school? Oh wait, it is, it is. It is so we learn shame for trying to better ourselves.
Speaker 1:We're literally taught to fear failure. Taught to fear even approaching it. Taught to fear taking a chance or a risk. Taught to fear even approaching it. Taught to fear taking a chance or a risk. We're taught that because of the embarrassment or the what is it there's a word out there I'm looking for. It's not important right now we're so afraid of the repercussions of failure.
Speaker 1:You know there's a section from Malcolm X's autobiography where he talks about this. I mean, there's so many people like it's so crazy to think that Malcolm X wrote about failure. But listen, he says this children have a lesson adults should learn. Children have a lesson adults should learn To be not ashamed of failing but to get up and try again. Most of us adults are so afraid, so cautious, so safe and therefore we are rigid and afraid and that is why so many humans fail. Most middle-aged adults have resigned themselves to failure. Again, that's Malcolm X talking about how, as children, if we are freed, if we are left alone and not taught to fear failure. Then we grow, then we succeed, then we progress. And most people don't succeed because they're either unwilling to fail or they get tired of failing before their failures pay off. That's the process.
Speaker 1:Right now, you're thinking oh man, I wish James Victoria could be my mentor, my guru Hell, I wish he was my coach. Well, you can make that happen. Go to yourworkisagiftcom. There's a questionnaire that will probably help you out, but it'll also give you access to a free call. So let's talk. Let's free you from overwhelm and creative frustration. Let's build your business and help you get paid to do what you love. Again, go to yourworkisagiftcom, let's talk.
Speaker 1:Our fear of failing makes us fail some more. And you and I you know we hear on the right questions, you and I. You know we here on the Right Questions, you and I, in this rarefied air, this special atmosphere, we know that nothing, nothing should be considered a failure until you have put in the consistency of showing up, and we also know the only failure is stopping. Until you have put in the consistency of showing up, and we also know the only failure is stopping. And I'm as guilty as any of us. You know we often get hurt because of our expectations, our faulty expectations. Right, because we launch something, we want a thousand viewers and we get 12. Boo-hoo, I'm a failure. No, you got 12. Let's go. Let's keep talking about this.
Speaker 1:The only failure is stopping. The only sin is lack of perseverance. Keep going, I beg of you, keep going. Shit. I wish I could just record that little line right there and put it on a chip and embed it into your head. Right, keep going, I beg of you, keep going, because I mean, I myself suffer from changing horses too many times midstream and getting severely wet.
Speaker 1:I'm as guilty as the rest. Because we are impatient as a species. I think we are impatient, especially now, especially today, with this crazy internet thing. Right, we think everyone we look at, everyone we see besides us, is a millionaire artist. They're doing what's in their hearts and in their souls and beautiful work and healthy, happy families and beautiful lives that sparkle, and we want it like them and we want it now.
Speaker 1:But you and I, we know good and great take time, they take consistency, and we think everyone is listening to us and everyone is watching us and everyone's going to have their opinion when we fail. And it's not true. Everyone's busy watching their own lives, judging themselves. And really, what happens when we do fail? What happens if you do start a new enterprise and it doesn't go? What happens when you do start a new painting series and it's not exactly what you want? What happens when you do write some poetry and the words just aren't there yet? Do we die? No, none of us are jumping our rocket powered motorcycles over dead man's canyon, right. We ain't going to die. We learn. We learn to write better. We learn through consistency. This might take a year. This might take some time. You know, I can't believe I wrote a book or two or three before effect perfection. What the hell was I thinking? I must've been a terrible writer. It takes time, but I didn't fail. I learned. And that's the point Learn from everything, learn from failure.
Speaker 1:I got a question for you. If you knew you could not fail, how big would you go? How brave would you be? If you knew you would not die, would you ask for more? I mean all the time. I mean ask for more money every time out the gate, ask for more time, ask for more creativity. Would you do that? Would you talk to everybody? Would you go straight to the top and ask questions of all of your heroes, just so you can get a little bit ahead. Would you do the work that's in your heart, knowing full well that you will not fail, because I'll tell you you're not going to fail. You'll stumble along the way, but you're not going to fail, you will get there. So go ahead and do all those things Play, take chances, make messes. Please, please fail, because that's the process, because even if you make a mess or drop the ball or lose a dollar, even if you fail, you are not a failure. You are working, you are striving, you are aspiring, you are extending your reach beyond your grasp, and that is beautiful, and I wish that for all of you.
Speaker 1:I'm James Victoria. This is the Right Questions. Thank you guys, for all of you. I'm James Victoria. This is the Right Questions. Thank you guys for all showing up. I appreciate it greatly. Thank you for being here, thank you for supporting this. You support it with your energy, which I exchange for my energy, and I want to hear from you. You got a question. Drop me a line. We're here for you. I love you. All I'll talk to from you. You got a question. Drop me a line. We're here for you. I love you all. I'll talk to you later, adios.