Teaching A to Z: D is for Dealing with Difficult People in the School Setting

 In this episode of TEACHING A TO Z, we tackle one of the toughest parts of being an educator: managing difficult interactions with students, parents, and administrators. From disruptive classroom behavior to tense parent-teacher conferences and navigating school politics, we’re diving deep into practical strategies and evidence-based approaches to help you handle these challenges with confidence and professionalism. 

Transcript

Teaching A To Z (00:02)
Welcome to Teaching A to Z, a podcast about the challenges of teaching and information to help you. I'm your host, Lisa Brenna. I have an undergraduate degree in psychology and a master's in teaching. Today, as a veteran teacher for over 25 years, I still love reading up on the latest research and information as it applies to the issues I struggle with. In each episode, I will be sharing research and information on topics that are important to teachers.

In this episode, we will be talking about how to deal with difficult people in the school setting. As teachers, we are in a unique position compared to other professions. We have three distinct groups of people we deal with, and each one needs different things from us. We deal with students, parents, and administrators. Let's start with students. Our primary focus is our students.

Every year we encounter some so-called difficult students. When teachers say difficult students, we mean students who need more from us than the majority of our students. Let's call them students with additional needs. Many of these students have behavioral issues. They may be disruptive, emotionally fragile, or traumatized. And these students have problems of their own that are much bigger than the other students' problems.

This makes it difficult for them to function in the school setting.

I found that when dealing with difficult students, there are two big takeaways from the research. Number one, teachers can't do it alone. When we encounter students with additional needs, we should enlist in the help of everyone available. Social workers, psychologists, administrators, veteran teachers, and caregivers can help you carry this additional workload. It involves a lot of communication, yes, another time sucker, but it is worth it.

Many new teachers make the mistake of thinking that it is their responsibility to deal with the students who have additional needs on their own without any outside help. It's hard when you're being scrutinized and in some cases judged unfairly by administrators. And often you don't yet have the confidence and experience to discern the situations.

in which you need more help. But a true professional knows how to ask for help or advice, how to take suggestions, to implement them, and then communicate how they work out for you. More importantly, if the suggestions are not working, make sure you ask for more help. It's often an ongoing year-long process.

So don't forget the best resource for help with difficult students is your colleagues and administrators. They are there to support students and teachers in the business of learning. In addition, don't be afraid to communicate with parents. Let them know what's going on, what your concerns are, and ask them for any insight or suggestions they may have. Get them involved.

The second big takeaway from the research is that establishing strong student-teacher relationships goes a long way in minimizing disruptive behaviors. The EMR method, Establish, Maintain, Restore, has been shown to be an effective way to help both teachers and their students by keeping disruptive behaviors down to a minimum, and it reduces teacher stress.

So you establish relationships with your students by getting to know them, maintain the relationships by making sure that you are communicating with them throughout the year on a personal level, maintain the relationships by making sure that you are talking with them on a personal level throughout the year, and restore the relationship if there's been damage to it by simply speaking with the child.

and asking what and restore the relationship by finding ways to rebuild the trust you may have lost. In short, reach out for help and strengthen your relationship with those students. Also, work on your classroom management skills to keep the ship sailing when someone's trying to commit mutiny. With a disruptive student, here are some specific suggestions.

Try planned ignoring. After a while, the other students will follow suit. Nonverbal reminders to keep the student on task. Private discussions regarding unacceptable behavior. And public praise when the student is on task or following directions. Also, giving more positives than negatives can help establish a good relationship with the student and also encourage him or her to do their best.

Remember to focus on what is most important, most of your class's needs. Keep calm and teach on. In addition to dealing with students who have additional needs,

Also, when dealing with students who have additional needs, we encounter those parents who seem to be making our life that much harder. Most parents are easy people to talk to. They simply want a reassurance that their babies are learning and happy. They ask questions as they should and need feedback and sometimes just a listening ear. They need to feel respected for their hard work and for doing the best they can. Most of them are appreciative and communicative.

However, we do encounter those students who require more work than other parents. They may send a lot of emails. They may make suggestions, a lot of suggestions. Or they may never respond to your communications and requests for conferences. Or they may never respond to your communications or requests for conferences. They may bad mouth you to other parents or even your administrators. And in some cases,

They may be surly, unkind, and or downright abusive. And how do we handle them? As I looked for information about dealing with difficult people, I found the word empathy popping up a lot. It helps to be able to take another person's perspective. How would you feel in that position? Try to figure out what's motivating them. Is it fear? Is it depression? Is it defensiveness? Distrust of the educational system? A feeling of not being good enough?

Start with empathy when dealing with parents. So in addition to that, here are some suggestions for specific situations. Number one, the parent who emails a lot. If you have a parent who emails a lot, keep your responses short and concise. Answer the question or questions. Be polite, but make it quick. Problem emails or emails with tricky questions can be handled by your administrator. Pass them along.

with a message. Can you please advise on how to handle this? Believe me, most administrators would rather, rather

Believe me, most administrators would rather handle these themselves than to have you say something that's inaccurate or problematic. Again, ask for help. Number two, the parent who never communicates with you.

If you have parents who don't respond, don't be afraid to approach them at pickup or give them a call. And then after all things have failed, parents who are MIA should be reported to administrators to handle. How about number three, the parent with lots of suggestions? What about those super helpful parents with lots of advice for you? Parents who give suggestions should be thanked. They are trying to help. But...

you don't have to take any of their suggestions. You may give the ideas some thought if they're viable or helpful, but you know best how to teach your students. You're the one with the education and experience. It's not always a challenge to you or what you're doing, so don't take it that way. What people say to you is more about them than it is about you most of the time.

What about the parent who badmouths you? This is another tough situation. How do you handle parents who talk behind your back? It's a tricky one. Most people would advise you just to let it go, as your reputation is bigger than one person's opinion of you. However, sometimes ignoring just empowers the parent who talks behind your back. In this case, if it continues, talk with a trusted administrator. Let them in on it.

Chances are this parent is already on their radar and they can give you some good advice. Asking teachers who've dealt with this parent in the past can help you too. Again, you will probably hear similar stories from past teachers.

Abuse. Hopefully you never encountered this, but there are parents out there who are verbally or physically abusive. You do not have to take this. There are rules and laws to protect you against this kind of thing. Don't tolerate abusive behavior or words ever. If a parent begins to raise his or her voice, talk in an accusatory way to you or call names, simply and calmly put up your hand and say, I see that you're very upset.

We will continue this conversation later when we can speak calmly about the issue and walk away. Walk out of the classroom, hallway, schoolyard, whatever. Then tell your administrator and your union rep what happened. Pronto. Write it down. Make sure it's noted. This is a non-negotiable in my mind. Trying to calm down an abusive parent is not a part of our job description. Also,

And more importantly, if anyone physically attacks you, get yourself out of danger as soon as possible and call the police. This is against the law. Of course, this is extreme and most of us never have to deal with physical abuse. It's a rarity, it does happen. As does physical abuse by a student. In any case, when you are physically attacked, it's necessary to report the incident in every way that is required and possible.

This is unacceptable. Luckily in most cases when you're dealing with parents, listening and being empathetic goes a long way. Try to listen more and talk less. Most people just want to be heard and understood. But what about dealing with the administrator who makes you want to dive into the bathroom when you see him or her walking down the hall? Dealing with administrators is a whole other category. Again.

Empathy is a good start, but you are talking about your boss here. There's a huge power imbalance, and contracts and unions are sometimes not enough to protect us against the actions of a difficult boss.

There are many, many articles on how to deal with difficult boss and many of them categorize bosses into different types. I really don't like the idea of generalizing a person as a type, but these articles were valuable in that they describe some behaviors you may find present in your school leaders and helpful ways to deal with them. Anything that makes your job easier is valuable. One article I found is

the eight toxic leadership traits and how to spot them by Elizabeth Perry from the website BetterUp. It's pretty comprehensive and it shares some ways to deal with behaviors of difficult bosses and leaders. Here are some takeaways. She quotes a study from the University of Manchester surveyed 1,200 people to discover the negative effects of toxic leadership, which include workplace bullying,

counterproductive work behavior, job dissatisfaction, psychological distress, depression, and burnout. So here they are, the eight toxic leadership traits and how to deal with them. First, the eight traits. Frequent lying or inconsistent expectations. Doesn't listen to feedback. Arrogance. Places importance on hierarchy.

discriminates against employees, lacks confidence, incompetent at their job, and self-interested.

So here are some myths about toxic leaders, which the research backs up as not true. One myth is that toxic behavior won't be tolerated by your team. A lot of time, toxic behavior is tolerated, mostly because people feel helpless. This is your boss, and it is really difficult to be honest with your boss.

and tell them if they're doing something that's toxic.

Toxic leaders are easy to spot. No, they are not. That is a myth. Toxic leaders are not easy to spot. Sometimes you have a general feeling and people have certain behaviors, but it doesn't just jump out at you. One person cannot deal with a toxic leader on their own. That's a myth. You can do something on your own. Leaders need to be toxic to advance their career.

There are so many good leaders who are not toxic and actually encourage people to do their very best. So here are some tips on how to deal with toxic leadership.

One, attempt to help them instead of judge them. What can you do to make their job easier by being better at your job? Two, keep control of your reactions. Stay cool on the outside. Three, document everything. Emails, notes to yourself. Make sure you get it down. Four, set professional boundaries. When you go home,

Go home. Unless it's in your job description, you're not required to answer the phone.

Five, approach your manager with a candid conversation. It's okay to be honest. Sometimes that works. Six, clarify what is it that your boss wants? What is it you're trying to say? Seven, focus on your job and forget your ego. And is it possible to detoxify a leader?

You can help a toxic leader become less toxic, but that's not always the case. Your manager needs to be at least somewhat open-minded to hearing your opinions and receiving constructive criticism. If your leader isn't open to this, they won't change no matter what you do. Remember, it's not your responsibility to help someone else change. Here's another helpful article from Forbes Magazine from the Forbes Human Resources Council.

It's a compilation of advice from various people on the council and identifies ways to deal with toxic boss behavior. In short, here's the advice. First piece of advice, seek clarity. Make sure you understand exactly what your boss is saying. Two, you're to hear this one again, do your job and drop your ego. Three, assume positive intent and provide feedback.

So I had to quote this. one tip was from Chatelle Lynch from McAfee. She wrote, when you recognize that insecurity is at the core of poor behaviors, you can be empowered to shift perspective. Always assume positive intent and tap into your emotional intelligence to have a conversation. Perhaps your boss doesn't understand how your actions are, how his or her.

Perhaps they don't understand how their actions are impacting you. Raise the issue with clarity and without emotion. Remember, you have direct control over how you react. Try to rise above to reach an understanding. Four, try to have candid conversation. Make sure this is someone who's really open to listening and taking feedback.

Some people are too defensive to let anything in that sounds at all like criticism. Five, start by assessing your own values. I had to quote this one too from Raquel Hopkins, DHI Telecom Group. She wrote, one effective tactic for handling a toxic leader is to assess your own personal values. We can't control how others show up. However, you are in control of how you show up, which is where your focus should be.

Ask yourself the following question, are you in alignment with your personal values and what you're gaining overall? Stay consciously aware of your purpose and mission for your life. Six, learn and adapt. Here's another one. I'm quoting Tanya Geratz from Flintco LLC. She writes, unfortunately, toxic bosses do exist. Working for them is inevitable.

First, recognize and yes, even accept their communication style. The more you learn about their communication preferences, the better you will be able to adapt and prepare for more effective conversations. Ask them directly how they would like for you to communicate to them, ultimately building trust between the two of you. Another great quote from Ben Weber from Bender Resource Management. He writes, become a trusted partner.

Toxic leaders often operate from feelings of fear and demonstrate poor communication skills. Help calm their fears by becoming a trusted partner. A strong trusted partner proactively communicates important information, maintains a focus on the outstanding tasks, and consciously elects not to engage in gossip or drama. Eight, focus on helping, not judging. Nine, don't take it personally.

10, control your reactions. Work out your feelings later by releasing your stress in a way that works for you, but for now, keep that poker face going. 11, set boundaries. 12, if nothing else works, avoid them as much as possible and limit your interactions with them to do what is necessary to do your job effectively. Sad, but sometimes true.

Number 13, document everything. Keep a notebook for yourself to jot down interactions. Use email to clarify discussions you had. Say something like, wanted to make sure I got this right from our conversation yesterday, I gathered that you want me to x, y, As you know, we get stressed out by managing our interactions with people whose behaviors are extreme, outside of the norm, or make it more difficult for us to do our job.

It's very important to be able to emotionally process all of that stress we experience when dealing with so many people as teachers do. Remember to acknowledge your stress and your feelings and accept that you're having them. Share your feelings with a trusted person. Then if possible, use cognitive reappraisal. Look at the situation in different ways and see if there's anything positive you can gain. Whether it's simply be gained knowledge about that person,

or silver linings that appear after dealing with that person? Are you learning anything about yourself? In short, acknowledgement, acceptance, and reframing cognitively may help you deal with the stress we have when dealing with difficult people. So takeaways from this podcast. Number one, teachers deal with at least three different groups of people.

with completely different needs and perspectives. And don't forget about coworkers, which I didn't mention in this podcast. Two, these interactions can be extremely stressful and make our job harder. Three, empathy and trying to take another's perspective goes a long way. Four, sometimes our outer expression doesn't match what's going on inside. That's okay and often necessary to maintain professionalism

as long as you accept your inner feelings and process them. I have found this meme about what teachers are really thinking but can't say. It's called, things teachers say in their heads. Do not laugh, do not laugh. You are the teacher and that was totally inappropriate. What in the world is wrong with you? Will the principal notice if we spend all day on playgrounds? Is it Friday yet? I need wine.

Who farted? Please help me love the kids who need it most. And remember, you look bad in prison orange. You're allowed to admit that your job is hard. Forget about those ignorant people who don't have one clue as to what we do. Teaching is tough. According to Ahmed Bushriqa, PhD, co-founder and chief data scientist on research.com, in the United States,

He found in the research that 44 % of teachers in K through 12 education said they very often or always feel burned out at work. Given our 21st century integrations of data, technology, and social-emotional learning, we are now doing more than we did in the past. Every year seems to bring a fresh new suggestion for teachers about what they should add to their already full plate.

For those of us still slogging away and hanging in, we need some help. I ask again that administrators and school board members think of ways to take some responsibilities off our plates. For example, we could really use some administrative assistance of our own for teachers. We need teaching assistance in the classroom. We need mental health support and a stamp of approval from our principals for taking a mental health day.

We need less criticism. We need more time in our day for completing duties. Despite all of this, many of us stay in this challenging, exhausting, exhilarating profession because we believe in the power of education and we want to make a positive difference in the lives of others. Don't forget how important and valuable you really are. Thank you for joining me today.

As always, I'd like to thank the many family members, friends, and my fellow teachers who've helped me over the years. You know who you are. If you liked my podcast and or found any information to be useful, please like or rate if you can, and be sure to follow me and check out my next podcast. E is for emotional intelligence for teachers. I'm Lisa Brenna, and this is Teaching A to Z. Have a great day.