Leveraging Leadership

You’re Not Alone: How Chiefs of Staff Can Build Community

• Emily Sander • Season 1 • Episode 222

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Chief of Staff can be a lonely job, even when you're surrounded by people. Emily shares real ways to handle this, like joining Chief of Staff networks, leaning on trusted coworkers or friends outside the company, and working with a coach. She also talks about knowing when to just acknowledge the loneliness and when to actively address it.

Links Mentioned:

Episodes featuring founders of the following Chief of Staff communities and networks:


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Who Am I?

If we haven’t yet before - Hi👋 I’m Emily, Chief of Staff turned Executive Leadership Coach. After a thrilling ride up the corporate ladder, I’m focusing on what I love - working with people to realize their professional and personal goals. Through my videos here on this channel, books, podcast guest spots, and newsletter, I share new ideas and practical and tactical tools to help you be more productive and build the career and life you want. 

 

Time Stamps:

00:56 Acknowledging the Loneliness
01:36 The Unique Role of a Chief of Staff
05:12 Leveraging Internal Colleagues
07:07 Support from Family and Friends
09:23 The Value of a Coach
11:39 Self-Acknowledgment and Reflection
12:49 Addressing Confidentiality Challenges
14:02 Conclusion: Embracing the Unique Role

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Have you ever been in a room full of people, but still felt completely alone? That's what it can be like As chief of Staff, you are in the inner room. You're in the room where it happens, and yet you are in your own lane. You are on your own island a little bit, and very few people fully understand the responsibilities you carry. What happens when you're a chief of staff and you're feeling a bit lonely in the job? Chief of staff can be a lonely job. What do you do? First thing you do is know that right now there is a chief of staff somewhere in the world who is also feeling a little bit lonely in the job. So you are not alone. And I try to harp on this in, uh, previous podcast episodes, but I'll say it again and again because this theme keeps coming up in conversations I hear so many times, Emily, I love my chief of staff role. It's so exciting. It's so challenging. I get to stretch myself, learn about all parts of the business, love working for my principal, and then, you know, the conversation kind of gets to, but I mean, sometimes it can kind of be a lonely role. I mean, is that, and I was like, is that unreasonable? Like, are you hearing that kind of stuff? And yes, I hear that stuff. It's not unreasonable, it's not unfounded. it's because the role is distinct. The chief of staff role is distinct. It's different. Than the other roles. It's set apart almost so inherently in that role, just by function of being in that role, you're gonna be a little bit different than any other role in the company. Okay. So if you're in that position, what do you do? Here are some options to consider. First of all, there is a plethora of chief of staff platforms out there, which are fantastic. I have had the privilege and pleasure to have the founders and CEOs of many of these platforms on this show, so I'll make sure to have the links to those previous episodes in the show notes for you. But things like. Chief of Staff Association, chief of Staff Network, um, chief of Staff Roundtable. Ask a chief of staff, these types of things. You might have a 900 person Slack channel available to you. You might have a, zoom meeting that you go to. You might have a workshop in person that you go to. These can be a asynchronous learning modules. They could be casual, mixers, drinks, you know, dinner with other chiefs of staff. But within all of these. Is proof right in front of you on a Zoom call or right across the table from you that I'm not the only one. I'm not the only chief of staff out there, and I'm not the only chief of staff who feels this way sometimes like, oh my gosh, like you're dealing with that with your principal too, or you're dealing with a weird dynamic with a C-suite officer too. Okay? So you have that reinforcement and you have your, your people and your tribe to lean on, and I think. With that comes one, I'm not alone, and two, I'm not crazy because we all know that sometimes you get in these teams and organizations and get entrenched and you're in it day to day to day, and it's just like you're looking around and you're like. Am I am, am I crazy? Am I the crazy one? Because everyone else seems to be thinking this way, but I thought it was that way. And sometimes, especially in turnaround situations, you are the sane one, but it's hard to remember. It's kind of like with you're, if you get dropped into an insane asylum and you're looking around going like, maybe, maybe I am crazy, like maybe like I am mistaken here. But no, oftentimes it's, you are the change agent. You are trying to move this thing in a different direction and you're getting a whole bunch of resistance and so you question yourself. So in all these platforms, you get to hang out with your people. You get to hang out with people who know what a chief of staff is and who know the value that it brings and understand and can commiserate almost that, you know, some folks in my organization don't get it either. They don't get what I do, they question it and you can talk about that sort of stuff. So you feel less alone. So platforms, go check those out. I would, uh oh, I also wrote an article about this that did a quick recap of each of the podcast episodes I've had, and they have links to the websites and links to people's LinkedIn profiles. So if you want kind of an easy scannable thing that I'll make sure that. Is in the show notes as well. But I would highly encourage you to check some of these platforms out, especially if you've like, I've never heard of that one. Go see what they offer and find the solution or the area of that platform that's like, oh, that's gonna serve me really well now I like that. So there's anything from, again, slack channels, asynchronous learning to full immersion in-person, multi-day events, but whatever is gonna serve you best now in your role, I would encourage you to use. Some of these resources. Okay, next one. Another option here. Sometimes you will have a colleague within your organization that you can talk to, and there's kind of two sides to this, kind of a flip side, but the first side is sometimes you might have a colleague where I've seen it, where the chief of staff knows this person beforehand, so they've known this person. Previously before they were in the chief of staff role and they just have like a really good relationship and a foundation and trust and there's just that understanding. So while you still might not say all of the things that you're privy to, if it's not appropriate, confidentiality, HR issues, et cetera, you still have that, Ugh, I can kind of let my hair down. I can kind of let my guard down a little bit and just have a conversation where I'm. I'm leaning on this person, they're leaning on me for whatever role they're in type of thing. It might be a person that is, is on your same leadership team. It might be a person in a completely different department or division or area of the business that rarely interacts with what you're doing. It could be a, uh, a fellow chief of staff within the organization. That you're in. I actually find it kind of surprising that a lot of companies who have dozens, if not hundreds of chiefs of staff, don't have an internal chief of staff cohort that people can rely on. But if that's you and you have that situation, maybe start that conversation or at least a dialogue or at least a relationship with one or two other chiefs of staff who might understand. So that can be a thing, a colleague within the organization you're in now. And the flip side of that, of course is be careful, right? So tread lightly. Don't jump in the deep end with someone you don't know, spill all the information you have, and then go, oh, no, no, no, no. Okay. You aren't trustworthy. You weren't the person I should tell. It's that kind of stuff. So be judicious, uh, move cautiously, but there might be opportunities there where you can rely on someone within your own organization. Next thing to consider would be family and friends. So, hey, they're not in my organization. I don't have to worry about that. Um, when I was chief of staff, I had, I always have had my best friend Paige, but also when I was chief of staff, I had my friend Paige who. Has not been a chief of staff who isn't in that role, but who knows me very, very well since the time I was born. Who knows business very, very well. She has a full career herself and so we could absolutely. Talk in a very unguarded way, and some of our text messages and voice messages would be things like, uh, Emily, you're never gonna guess what crazy sauce situation just happened here, dah, dah, dah, dah. And I would be like, I see your crazy sauce and I raise you this shit storm that's going on right now. And we would go back and forth in that way in like a humorous, kind of fun way. So just having someone who is who, who gets you and who understands. The business apparatus you're working in but isn't in your business, that can be an advantage. On the flip side of that, I've had, I've had some clients who I remember this one, CEO, who at the end of a session said, Emily, I wanna thank you again because you're the only person I can talk to about this kind of stuff. And that, that kind of took me by surprise and my head tilted. And I was like, really? And he said, yeah, I mean, um, I can't talk to. My direct reports and my leadership team in the same way. And, you know, my, my friends and family and even my spouse doesn't, doesn't do business. They don't quite, they, they love me and we have a good relationship and everything like that, but they don't really get the business world and they don't get the intricacies and the dynamics of my leadership team and of my industry. And so you are the only person I can talk to about that. And that always I, that stuck with me. So in some cases you might not have friends or family. Who get what's going on? Who, who get it, and not knocking them at all. They could be perfectly fine family and friends, but they might not get it. So kind of flip side there, if you do have someone you can lean on who gets it, great. And if you don't, then that's just something to be aware of too. Like, Hey, I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And that might be what is contributing to some of my feelings of being alone in this role. All right, and a follow up to that is having a coach. So I would highly recommend having a coach. When I was chief of staff, I had a coach, and it was awesome. It was awesome. So I would meet with my coach every week, and it was just a reliable person who was familiar with the situation and knew all the players. In my organization, who knew all the events that were happening, who knew me very well, who knew where I was coming at, things from my approach, my thinking, et cetera, et cetera, and I think it was really the. Familiarity. That was reassuring to me. And that was one of the biggest things that helped me was just like, Hey, someone who gets business, who gets me, who is for me, who is all for me, their job is to help me and make me better. Um, when I would say, you know, this colleague and this name and this stuff that's going on, they would get it. They would be like, yep, yep, we talked about that. And like, yes, I know what's going on. They would be right there with me. And that was super helpful. I had a very close relationship with my principal. I had worked with my principal beforehand, so we had shorthand, we had trust, we had a foundation, and that was great, and I could talk to him about a lot, almost everything, but not everything. I could talk to my coach about anything And my coach, a good coach will. Will make you the best player you can. Meaning like if you think of, think of a sports coach. Their job is to get as much as they can outta their players and to get their players to the highest level of performance they can. Sometimes that takes support and encouragement and rah, rah, rah, and picking their player back up. And sometimes it's challenge and saying, Hey Emily, you're not seeing this. Or there's some other options over here, or Emily, you're stuck in black and white thinking, here's this option right here. So I loved having those conversations and that dedicated time and space to talk about things. So I'm obviously a coach, but I'm not saying come to me. If you can get a coach and a good coach and the one that's right for you and is a good fit for you. Huge resource. Huge advantage. I would highly encourage you to do that because then you have someone to talk to on a regular basis who's familiar, and you can feel less like you're on an island. So those are some options there. The last thing I leave you with is sometimes simply acknowledging that you're feeling lonely and it can be a lonely job is helpful, and just be like, yeah, like, okay. They had that kind of conversation and inherent in our roles. I was a little bit. Not fully part of that. I was kind of on the side. Not anything they were doing wrong per se, they weren't being mean. It was just inherent in our roles and what we had to do in that situation. But I kind of felt a little bit, you know, not part of the in-crowd and that can get to people. A follow up to that would be, okay, do I need to address that? So it might be like, hey, like, okay, I notice that. I notice it, that I'm, this is the way I'm feeling. I acknowledge that. Take a deep breath. Maybe take a walk around the block, maybe just go, yep, that's kind of goes with the territory sometimes and you move along. Maybe it's fine. If it is, Hey, this happened. Do I need to address this? Yeah. You know, this has been coming up more and more and I don't think I'm at my best when I'm in this state of mind, and this isn't sustainable long term. This isn't sustainable. Let me go address this. Okay. I had a chief of staff who. Basically, long story short, had to keep something confidential under wraps for about six months. Six months can be a long time. And if you're like, I, I'm working with these people, I interact with these people every day. They don't know what's going on and they're saying stuff and I'm like, Hmm, that's not, ugh, that's not gonna be a thing in six months time. But I can't say anything That can grate on you on the inside, right? And that can make you feel a little bit removed. So it could be for. A certain period of time you need to address something and do something differently, or in addition to help you cope with that for a temporary amount of time. So acknowledging it could be helpful in itself. A follow-up question might be, do I need to do anything with this? Should I address this in some way? Answer could be no, and you're on your way. Great. The answer could be yes. And if so, is this a temporary thing? Is this a long-term thing? Um, and Then on top of that, like what should I do about that? So we've talked about some options here. I would go explore all of those and if you're like, I don't wanna do any of those options, Emily, but the thing you said over here made me think of this. I'm gonna go check that out. Great. Go do whatever helps you and whatever is relevant and helpful to you. But I will re reinforce again. The chief of staff role is unlike any other role in the company. It's not like being an account manager, so an account manager. You might have dozens of account managers and you're on the account management team, which makes sense. You have your people, it's, it's even not like being a COO or A CFO. So if I'm a COO and I'm saying like there's CFO, while we have functional groups, we're still on the executive leadership team. We're still reporting to the CEO. we're still together in that sense. Chief of staff is on the C-Suite team, but is a little bit different than the COO, the CFO, the CTO, the CRO, et cetera, et cetera. So just understand that it, it is a distinct and unique role and sometimes inherent in that you're just gonna have these different things pop up for you internally in terms of feeling lonely or on an island. So just understand that and understand yourself and figure out what you need, if anything, And we've gone over some options here that might be helpful to you. But figure out, figure out what is gonna make you, the best leader you can be and put you in good position to be good for you and feel good, but also better serve those around you. And with that, I will catch you next week on leveraging Leadership.