How to Show Up as the Leader You Want to Be

Emily Sander shares why showing up as an unhurried, intentional leader matters more than always hustling. She gives practical tips like taking walks, working out, or even sipping coffee outside to set the right mindset. Chiefs of Staff and executives are encouraged to build daily habits - whether it's meditation, reading, or attending their kids’ soccer games - that help them become the kind of leader others want to follow.

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Who Am I?
If we haven’t met before - Hi👋 I’m Emily, Chief of Staff turned Executive Leadership Coach. After a thrilling ride up the corporate ladder, I’m focusing on what I love - working with people to realize their professional and personal goals. Through my videos here on this channel, books, podcast guest spots, and newsletter, I share new ideas and practical and tactical tools to help you be more productive and build the career and life you want.

Time Stamps:
00:25 The Missing Piece of Presence

02:06 Unhurried Leadership Defined

04:35 Practices That Ground You

05:56 Choose Your Leadership Adjectives

08:04 Focus on Top Priorities

10:03 Know Thyself and Recharge

12:39 Build the Habit and Flip the Script

19:22 Recap and Next Steps

Transcript

0:06

Welcome back to Leveraging Leadership, where we unpack the art of business leadership. I'm your host, Emily Sander, chief of staff to an executive leadership coach. This show is all about finding your points of greatest influence and leveraging them to better serve those around you.

The Missing Piece of Presence

0:25

Here's a question I often get from chiefs of staff, and other executives too. I'll have a chief of staff or executive come to me and say, um, "Emily, I, I'm in this role, and I want to have a certain leadership presence, and I wanna show up a certain way, and I wanna interact with people in a certain way, and I wanna make sure I'm being a good leader," which are all fantastic goals and fantastic questions. And one aspect that often gets forgotten is doing the things that help you show up in a certain state, so a certain state of mind, a certain mentality, a certain space where you are approaching things with intentionality, and you're approaching things deliberately and crafting your leadership style and leadership presence and being grounded in who you are. So a lot of people go, "I'm in a new role. I have to do more. I have to work harder. I have to work longer hours. I have to push people. I need to get my team to go, go, go. Why are people being so lazy and lackadaisical? I need to show by examples that, you know, come in early, stay late," all these different things. How productive can I be? How many things can I get done? How many tasks can I get off my list? And that's one way to show up, and certain elements of that are needed, of course, at times, but not all the time. if you're- Doing that all the time, you're probably short-changing yourself and your team. You're probably undercutting and undermining yourself and your potential, and also your team, because you're throttling your team.

Unhurried Leadership Defined

2:06

So showing up in a way, here's the word that I have come across in the last year or so that I really, really like, which is unhurried. Unhurried. Most people are frantically going about, "How much can I pack in my day? I have so much time. I'm so busy. Oh my gosh, how are you doing?" "Uh, you know, I'm so busy. Work is so We have so many projects, and I was like, I'm low on sleep, and the kids are crazy, and I got no time." That's kind of like the standard response that we often hear or give, and it's culturally taught to us, I think. But I would love for someone to be like, "Hey, how are you doing?" "I'm great. I'm unhurried. How are you?" So unhurried, my brief definition is you're being intentional and you're interruptible. So you're being intentional with your time and with your talents and with your treasure and with your ties, your connections to people, and you're also interruptible. If something urgent and important comes up, you switch your focus and attend to that and address that. And you say, "Okay, this is happening now. This is more time sensitive. This is just more important than what I was working on, and so I'm going to give my attention to this." And it's a smooth and relatively peaceful transition, whereas if you're, if you're back to back to back meetings, "Oh my God, I got nine meetings in this, in these days, and I have no time to breathe and no time to go to the bathroom, and I'm shoving food in between bites and going on mute and chewing. And then, oh my gosh, something gets thrown. Come on. I, I can't get a win today. I can't get a win today. This is now happening? Come on." That's not the greatest way to show up. Just, just straight up. You wanna show up as a leader. You wanna show up as someone who people look to and go, "Oh, wow, that's refreshing. That's really nice to be around. Huh. They seem to have their stuff together. I wanna, I wanna follow them. I wanna learn more from them. Uh, I like being on their team. It makes me feel good." And you know what? I wanna show up at my best, and I wanna show up unhurried, and I wanna be intentional and deliberate and hardworking and get stuff done with quality, but I don't wanna be frantic. I don't wanna be panicked. I don't wanna panic or s- overly stress my team for no reason So what does it take for you to show up in a unhurried state and be unhurried around your team?

Practices That Ground You

4:35

A lot of people say, "I need to take time for myself and go for a walk, or journal, or go for a run, or do CrossFit," or, "Every quarter I wanna go hang gliding or paragliding or something, something in nature and something with a different perspective like that." Maybe scuba diving, different perspective there, whole different world. It might be, "Hey, I have a daily practice of," fill in the blank, of meditation, of journaling, of gratitude, of just going outside and breathing air. Maybe it's just like taking a cup of coffee, taking a cup of tea, and just going outside and being like, "All right. For the time it takes me to sip this cup of coffee, I am going to be outside and just notice, 'Hey, there's a tree.'" Or if you're not in a place with foliage, "Hey, there's the ground that I'm standing on," and, "Hey, there's the sky." It might be behind some overcast clouds, but there's a sky up there. You get my point. Basically, go out and do what you need to do. It could be, "Hey, I have got to work out. Working out moves my body. It de-stresses me. I get kind of some of the angst and edge out. I've gotta go work out." It's good for your heart, and it's good for your health and all those, all those things, too. But if you know that's what it takes for you to show up the way you want, then go do those things.

Choose Your Leadership Adjectives

5:56

So step one is wha- so, so step one is how do you wanna show up? I'm, I'm giving you mine, which is unhurried. You pick yours. Pick the leadership style. Pick the adjectives. Pick, "Huh, I always loved working for that one boss." Why? What made it pleasant to work for that person? "Oh, I always wanted to do my best for that boss. Oh my gosh, I was striving, I was learning, I was growing." What made you wanna do that? What made you learn? H- did, did they invest time in you? Did they take some time? Like, whatever it is. Did they push you? Did y- did, did they challenge you where it's like, "Hey, that's fine," like, "that's acceptable, but it's not your best. You have more in you." Like, whatever it is, figure that out from your previous experience, maybe what not to do, maybe what to do. Think about it for yourself. Be authentic to yourself. What kind of leader can I be? Maybe I had a great boss, and man, they were just so charismatic and rah, rah, rah, and were so good off-the-cuff, could speak to anything at the drop of a hat extemporaneously, and I just... I'm not built that way. That's not in my makeup. I don't do that naturally, and that's fine. You are gonna be your own kind of leader, and you're gonna be great and be excellent at that. So figure out and shape what that looks like for you, and take some time with this. Just take some time, think about it, write about it, talk to other people about it. It's interesting to get people's feedback on this. But how do you wanna show up? Be intentional about crafting your leadership style and your next level of leadership. Okay. And then let's take unhurried just as this example. What do I need to show up in a unhurried way? For me, it is going outside and it is working out or moving my body. This doesn't have to be like a, a draining, strenuous, stripping-with-sweat workout, but something to move my body. Um, I often do weight workouts, yoga. Sometimes I just go outside and walk. Sometimes I do some projects in the yard just to get me outside and in nature, like actually getting my hands working with nature. All of those things are just good for, good for my spirit, good for my soul.

Focus on Top Priorities

8:04

And I also need to be very focused on what is important. So if I have all these things flying at me throughout the day, and I could make an argument for doing all of them. I could make an argument for, "Hey, hey, like this one, you know, needs to get done for this reason." But if I know what's truly important to me right now in this chapter of my life, and if you know what's truly important to the company and to your team right now, it's not 47 things. It's not even five things. What are the one, two, maybe three, top three things that are most important? If you did nothing else, you've gotta get those done. Maybe it's a sequencing thing. Yeah, gotta get these done first. Maybe it's the just, look, they're all important. I'd love to have them all. These ones are just more important. These ones are just more important, and it sucks to have to not do the other ones for a while, but these three are the most important ones. Do you have focus? Do you have clarity on those things? Because what helps you show up in a calm, deliberate way is I know what I'm about. I know what our team's priorities are. I, I've, I've already thought about that, and I know what I need to say no to and what we need to say no to in order to hit our goals for the top three things. Okay. So we said, okay, what type of leader we wanna be? Be intentional about that. Be really, really clear on what's important to you. And by the way, another way to look at what's important to you is what's important to you as an individual, what's important to your family, 'cause that's kind of your team as well, right? That's probably a really important team. What's important to them right now? Different ages, stages of life, kids, spouses- Extended family, et cetera, all of that goes into, like, what's important to that team now. And then you can talk about your work team as well, so where's the priorities lie there, and any other stakeholders or constituents that you have at this, at this juncture of life or this, uh, phase of your career. Okay.

Know Thyself and Recharge

10:03

And then know thyself, right? So is it, "Hey, Emily, I gotta go boxing. I love kickboxing. Like, I gotta get... Kickboxing I feel alive, I feel connected, and then I have this energy about me that just exudes." So okay, kickboxing in the morning or kickboxing in the evening after you've had your day and you kinda wanna get some maybe anger or aggression out uh, in the sparring ring or whatever it is. Maybe it's knitting. "Hey, I like to sit and knit." So have a cool Netflix show and you sit and knit for however long that takes you to just kind of... That, that, uh, meditative thing to do and it's a tactile thing to do, knitting. Okay. Cool. So find the things that, that you need. Sometimes it's, um... I had a client who they need to read and learn something, so they wanna always be learning about their field and industry and their, their craft. And so they would always be learning, and they had to just take some time, 15 minutes a day, and read. Read a book, listen to a podcast, uh, but learn something about their industry. That's how they, that's just how they were able to show up the way they wanted to. So okay, cool. Go do that. Um, it could be, "Hey, I need to forget about my work and forget about my industry and go do something entirely different." And sometimes these are built in, like, hey, go to the kids' soccer game and be there, and be in the ups and downs. Like, "Oh, no, a goal. Oh, great play." Like, be, be there, be present. It could be going to, um... I had one person go to the symphony. Loved the symphony. Music, auditory, very, very different than his job, and he just loved to sit there, and he would close his eyes and just literally take in the music and use a entirely different part of his brain. And that just helped him, "All right, now I have perspective, and now I feel good. And I've just taken a rest for the type of things that I normally think about, and the way I think about things, and the way I take in information, and I've opened up this whole other channel that's inside me," like the musical pieces. So that's what worked for him. So whatever. Some people, um, massages. Massages. You can't look at your phone. I mean, technically you can, but that's a really crappy way to spend your massage. So you gotta put your phone down. And you got nothing, quote, unquote, "to do." There's no, like, multitasking in a massage. And you also get, you know, the, the ambiance and the space and the... Hopefully, your massage therapist can hold a good space for you and have that be relaxing and rejuvenating. So all of those things, any of those things,

Build the Habit and Flip the Script

12:39

and more. So figure out what it takes for you to show up the way you want, and then- Build those in to your schedule. So if someone looked at your calendar and said, "Okay, if this person is really wanting to show up in this certain way, unhurried, intentional, and interruptible, hardworking, and cool, calm, and collected, very focused All right, so w- they know what they wanna be about. They know what it takes to get there. Are they actually doing those things?" That's the last step. And sometimes you're like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." I'm like, "I know what I'm supposed to do," but, like, "Do you do?" "Um, no. I mean, it got in the way. Uh, you know, I So busy and, uh, you know, things take longer than I thought and, you know, now I'm just burnt out, and now I kind of yelled at that person, and I probably shouldn't have. And, um, I was I got so much caffeine and I couldn't go to sleep, so my sleep is shot." Okay. Time out. Stop. You can go in that cycle forever, and believe me, I know because I've done it. I was totally on that bad w- bandwagon of, like, hustle, grind, go, outwork, sleep when you're dead. I'm gonna get the edge. I'm gonna compete with people. Um, and m- m- it I was probably successful in spite of those things. Maybe a few instances because of those things. Again, there's a time and place for, like, "We gotta go. All hands on deck. We gotta go now." But th- that should be the exception, not the rule. So making sure you're doing these things. Once I flipped the script in my head and go, "Huh, like, over time, this, this hustle, grind, go, go, go is not working. I'm exhausted. The people around me are exhausted and kind of some of them don't want me to be around 'cause I'm super stressed out all the time and I'm amped up to 11 about work, work, work and career, career, career." Um, that gets tiring. That gets real tiring, uh, after a while, after a short time for some people, after a while for me. And when I was like, "All right, I'm hearing all these things that people are saying that you're supposed to do and have been what wise sages and philosophers and people have been saying for millennia. Um, okay, maybe, Emily, maybe instead of thinking that y- y- you're the exception to the universe, maybe try some of these things and put some of these things in practice." And lo and behold, holy cow, when I did them for a period of time, not instantaneous, but for a period of time, I was like, "Huh. Um, I, I'm less i- I'm less irritable. I'm less irritable. I'm less You can't irritate me as easily." However you wanna say that. Um, you can't offend me as easily. You still can, but it takes It's a higher threshold now. And I not- those were the first kind of things I noticed like, "Huh." Normally if someone said that to me, I would be pissed. I would be pissed. You said what? Excuse me? And I'm like, "Hmm, okay. They just said that. I wonder what the best response would be. What do I want this conversation and this meeting to get to? What's my end goal? And how do I best get to that?" Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's new. That's cool. That's intentional and deliberate, and cool, calm, and collected. I will take that every day, thank you very much. I was like, "Okay, well th- that, that worked out well," and it feels better to not be all angsty and, "Oh my gosh," this person up in arms, "How dare they say this?" And it's way better for the interaction. So instead of like, "Ugh, ugh," pushing back, "Oh, you want that? Let's go. Let's go." Instead of that whole rigamarole, it's, "No, okay. Sidestep that. Refocus over here. Go." I would like more of that, so I would do the things more. So outdoors, workout, meditation, um, journal, all those things, and, and it just built this practice where I don't want to not do those things anymore. I can't dream of not doing those things anymore. So if you're sitting there going like, "Emily, like I, I don't wanna meditate," or, "I don't like wanna do those things. It's just more time, and it's just one more thing I have to do," understand that there's a freedom and a joy and a elite level of leadership that is often on the other side of these things that become present through the practice of these things. And again, find the one that works for you. I'm just listing s- a few that I've personally done, and I've also heard and been around with friends, family, and clients. But this can be anything you want. Um, and it, it, it flips. There comes a moment, there comes a tipping point where it's like I'm doing this 'cause I'm supposed to, I'm doing this 'cause I'm supposed to, I'm doing this 'cause wise people said, I'm doing this 'cause I'm not the exception to the universe, I'm doing this and nothing is happening, I'm doing this and nothing... Oh. Whoa. Whoa. That was not what I would be doing six months ago. Okay. All right. Maybe it's not from the thing I'm doing, but let me just do it, keep doing it. Okay, I skipped a day. Shoot. Whatever. Let me pick it... Let me do it again. Daily practice. Daily practice. And then huh. Whoa. Um, things are slowing down for me. Things aren't as frantic for me. I see people like very, very panicky and very frantic, and I kind of like feel a little bit bad for them. I'm like, "Hey, man, you know, it's all right. It's all right. Let's just calm down and talk about this problem." Whoa. Who, like who are you? Who am I? What just happened? Um, and these things will tar- start to happen. And- F- funnily enough, the, one of the first things that probably happens is someone else will go, "Are you okay? Like, I mean, you seem really calm." Um, I had one, I had one, like, very high, high energy, fast-paced executive, and we were doing some of these practices, and I was kind of helping him design these and making sure he was accountable to these things and sticking to it, and he was like, "Emily, I think something is working 'cause my wife just said you're less of an asshole these days." And I was like, "There we go. It's working, and that's amazing." So high praise from the wife of that, uh, that busy executive. But other people will take notice, and they'll be like, "Huh." And maybe they'll say something, maybe they won't, but other people will take notice. The energy you exude and the leadership you bring, people pick up on that. Believe you me, people pick up on that.

Recap and Next Steps

19:22

Okay. So let's recap here. One facet of how, how am I, how do I do this role well? How do I be a successful chief of staff or exec- a successful executive? There is, like, the communication pieces we've talked about. There are, um, you know, the delegation strategy we've talked about. There is all sorts of these kind of technical, t- tactical things, which are all good, which are all good and you should do. But also, you should look at, what does it take for me to show up at my best? Here's how I wanna show up, and what does it take, and let me build a practice around doing those things. I think this, um, often gets overlooked, and I would almost say, like almost, not quite, almost say I would do this rather than the other things. So if you had a choice, if you had to pick, I would choose this one. I would at least choose this one first because I think all of those other elements, those tactical pieces, will follow from this exercise and from this practice. Now, I would posit it that you should probably do both or challenge yourself like, hey, I'm gonna do a practice around how to show up unhurried, intentional, interruptible, and you wanna put the reps in in practice. Hey, I need to be a better communicator in front of groups, so I'm gonna take some of these tactical and practical things and just practice those any chance I can get with groups. Okay. Don't try to boil the ocean if it's just like, "Oh, this is way overwhelming." Don't, don't do something where it's like I'm gonna set myself up to fail. But just do what you can. Do what you can, and don't do what you can't. That's kind of a, another mantra too. Do what you can. If you're like, "Emily, I, right now, I can't, uh, s- spend an hour meditating or whatever." Um, can you spend a minute just breathing? Just breathe. Yeah. What... Just breathe just a minute. It's a minute. Just breathe. Okay. Okay. I mean, I can do that. I can do that. Cool. Maybe it's in, um... Maybe you build it in. It's not like let me sit in the lotus position. Let me, um, get quiet. and sit on a pillow and put some music on and some sea wave soundtrack in the background. Maybe it's like, hey, after you drop the kids off from school and there's that beautiful silence in the car, just breathe for a minute. And that's it. There you go. Good job. There you go. That's it. So I would build up this practice, build up this practice, and it doesn't have to be perfect. It's practice. You're practicing at it. But build this habit. Build this into who you are and the way you show up. And I will tell you, if you stick with it just a little bit longer than you think, just a little bit longer than you think, there'll be a tipping point where you, you won't want to miss it. You can't not do that because there's so many, so much benefits that you're feeling and experiencing and also other people are noticing and observing and commenting on and you're getting positive feedback then. Once that starts to happen, once you get the experiential piece and or the external validation piece, you're off and running. It's just going to be a momentum where you build and build and build and go and go and go. So, um, yes, this is, uh, something that's come up in a whole bunch of different conversations in a whole bunch of different ways and permutations. And sometimes it presents as something different, but it actually comes to let's show up in a certain way. Let's be deliberate about that. Let's build some practices around that, custom made and tailor made for you. Okay. So I would have a think about this. And if you are speaking with people on your team who might be benefiting from something similar, then you can share this episode or speak with them about that from just a one-on-one conversation from you. but I think a lot of good can come from this for our leaders today. So hopefully you got something helpful out of this episode and I'll call this one a wrap and I will catch you next week on Leveraging Leadership. This episode is brought to you by Next Level Coaching. If you or anyone you know would like to learn more about executive leadership coaching, please visit www.next level Coach.