The Brain It On! Podcast

The Black Dot Effect: Life is What You Pay Attention To

• Lindsey Kealey • Season 2 • Episode 4

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What happens when our minds fixate on life's black dots while missing the expansive white space around them? Join us for a deeply personal exploration of finding joy amid serious health challenges.

When my husband Thomas received wonderful news that his cerebral spinal fluid showed no evidence of leukemia, I noticed how quickly my mind pivoted to anxiety about pending bone marrow results. This stark example of negativity bias—our brain's tendency to spotlight potential threats—became the catalyst for this episode's powerful message.

Drawing from psychology research, personal experiences in hospital rooms, and wisdom from unexpected places, we unpack why our brains gravitate toward problems and how we can intentionally shift our focus without falling into toxic positivity. The science behind this tendency is fascinating: our amygdala functions as the brain's alarm system, keeping us safe but sometimes causing us to miss the beauty surrounding our difficulties.

Perhaps most valuable is the concept that "two things can be true at the same time"—we can acknowledge pain while celebrating joy, feel anxiety alongside gratitude, and recognize hardship without letting it consume our entire perspective. As Catherine Price wisely notes, "Our lives are what we pay attention to."

Key Learnings:

  • Acknowledge and Process the Black Dots: Learn to honor and feel difficult emotions like sadness and fear, understanding that doing so is a brave and healthy step toward healing.
  • Define Your "Why": Take a moment for honest self-reflection to clarify your purpose. When you know your "why," it becomes easier to say "yes" to what truly matters and "no" to distractions.
  • Find a Way to Help Others: Discover how shifting your focus to the needs of others—even in your darkest moments—can bring a renewed sense of purpose and agency, allowing you to see the "white space" where good can work through you.

Resources & Mentions:

Call to Action:

If this episode helped you see the expansive white space in your own life, please subscribe, rate, and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform! Share this episode with someone who is navigating a hard season and needs a reminder that they have the power to choose their focus.

#lifeiswhatyoupayattentionto #negativitybias #mindfulness #gratitude #purpose #psychology #mentalhealth #cancerjourney #hope

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Introduction to Brain Health

Speaker 1

Your brain is the powerhouse behind your life. On this podcast, we explore strategies to strengthen your connections, build resilience and navigate life's ups and downs, with a focus on brain health. Discover how understanding and caring for your brain can transform your relationships and empower you to face any challenge with confidence. Get ready to brain it on. In today's episode, we'll explore why our minds gravitate towards the negative and how we can intentionally shift our focus to find joy even in the midst of hardship. Let's get started.

Speaker 1

Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. As you know, I'm normally here joined with my co-host, thomas, but he is taking a day to rest and recover. Also, he is experiencing nausea and not feeling really good today, so he is resting. It's been a whirlwind of a week. We just got back from OHSU being in Portland for Thomas's testing and other appointments, from OHSU being in Portland for Thomas's testing and other appointments. So it's wonderful to be back home with our cat named Kitty. She is kind of giving us the cold shoulder though, but I think she's finally forgiven us for taking a week away from the home.

Speaker 1

But today I wanted to hop on the podcast, even though Thomas is resting. I wanted to do a solo episode to talk about a brain blast I had this morning. Basically, it was the culmination of reading a page in a book a previous book I had read, you know, several days ago, in a podcast episode I listened to. There was just all this information coming together to form the thesis of this podcast episode. So I was very excited, very eager and hyper and Thomas said you know what? You got this, you got this episode. I support you. So here I am in my office, surrounded by luggage and lots of bags that are waiting to be unpacked. So this is my version of procrastinating, but I think it's a good kind.

Speaker 1

Anyway, this week we were at OHSU for Thomas's follow-up test. As I mentioned, we're checking to see if he is in remission still. He had a lumbar puncture which takes a sample of cerebral spinal fluid to test to see if there is any leukemia, and also a bone marrow biopsy. And getting these tests done always causes some level of anxiety. I heard it once called scansiety before for people who have to have these different scans and tests to check for their cancer. But we got the most amazing news Thomas's cerebral spinal fluid, which they took from the lumbar puncture, is clear there is no evidence of disease. Oh, it gives me little goosebumps. It is incredible. We're so grateful that Thomas does not have central nervous system leukemia again and yet after we got the news, I found my mind pretty quickly jumping to the other thing the waiting, and specifically waiting on the bone marrow biopsy results. That takes about a week or two, seven to 10 days to get those results and that is the test that will tell you if he has systemic leukemia, what would be in his bone marrow, and that is the test that will tell you if he has systemic leukemia, what would be in his bone marrow. So that's another big test that we're waiting on.

The Black Dot Effect Explained

Speaker 1

And what this has highlighted to me that I've found that was popping up in these different things I'm reading and listening to is how easy it is to shine the spotlight on anxiety and uncertainty, and I noticed this firsthand this week. My mind wants to focus on the potential for bad news, even when we have such wonderful, celebratory news right in front of us. This reminded me of something that a friend of mine recently asked about how we're getting through with Thomas's cancer. The uncertainties graft versus host disease and, as many of you know, his mom, julie, also has terminal pancreatic cancer, in her, her treatment and where she's at in her process, and so the truth is, to be quite honest, we love doing the podcast, we love to research and find ways to align coping strategies, our values and help us get through this, and yet there are many times when we mourn, when we cry. Sometimes it's at random. I'll be pouring myself a bowl of cereal and then I'll just start crying, and Thomas is used to this now, and what we've learned, though, is that it's okay, it's good to acknowledge and to allow yourself to feel these things, and also to acknowledge that when we shine our spotlight on just the hard things, it can get pretty overwhelming and maladaptive.

Speaker 1

So this leads me to what I'm talking about for this episode, which is the black dot effect. So I was reading this in Christine Kane's book Unshakeable Today's day. It's a devotional book, and so the devotional for August 16th. She shares a story that hit me really hard. I had to stop everything and write this podcast.

Speaker 1

She talks about her psychology professor, who held up a big white piece of paper and he put it under I'm assuming the projector so they could see it on the wall, and basically, what was on the page was a black dot. So when he said, what do you see? Everyone in the class said a black dot, but then he pointed out to the class that they were so focused on the tiny dot that they failed to notice the overwhelmingly white space that dominated the screen. This is a powerful analogy that is cited and talked about in other works and it truly boils down to what we do with our lives. We often choose to focus on the little black dots, so to speak. Our trials, insecurities, fears there's many things that we are anxious about that take up space in our minds. We can get so fixated on these things that we fail to see the vast, beautiful white space of blessings, opportunities and good things all around us. Space of blessings, opportunities and good things all around us.

Speaker 1

So I want to begin by talking about the reality of black dots now that we're transitioning into this first part of our episode. So first I want to be clear that this is not about toxic positivity. This is not trying to make you ignore the black dot, to say that they're not there. They're not real. It's not about pretending they don't exist, these hard things in our lives, for instance, when I was in the hospital and Thomas was in excruciating discomfort from mucositis after the transplant. He couldn't eat, he couldn't drink, he was on an IV pain pump and liquid nutrition. It was very much at the forefront of my mind. The challenge, the pain, discomfort that was in front of me. And when you know, even this morning, when he's throwing up and it's multiple times a day because of his immunosuppressant medication, or when we're helping his mom navigate her, you know, pancreatic cancer, it is the most natural thing in the world to feel these things, to zoom in on them. Of course. They're right in front of us. It's somatically, it's viscerally in our bones. And, as Dr Lori Santos from the Happiness Lab says, if you have difficult feelings like grief or anxiety and you push them down like a beach ball in the water in the pool, if push them down like a beach ball in the water in the pool, if you ever played with a beach ball in your pool or someone else's pool and you push it down, the amount of effort it takes to keep it submerged is exhausting and eventually that beach ball just shoots up out of the water with even more force. So this is not about ignoring the pain or trying to brave to ignore the pain.

Speaker 1

There's an amazing song called Part of Life by Ben Rector. My friend texted me the name of the song and said I think you might enjoy this during this season. And boy was she right. It's so poignant, so applicable. There's a part that says it's okay to feel sad. Feeling sad is a part of life. It's okay to be mad, feeling sad as a part of life. It's okay to be mad, being mad as a part of life. There's this repetition, just gentle reminders that all of these feelings are a part of what it means to be human. Then he has this line that gets me every time and it says do you know that you're strong? Do you know that you're brave, Even deep down, when it doesn't feel that way? Brave even deep down when it doesn't feel that way. And it basically goes on to say that the bravery and strength aren't in pretending that you don't feel the pain, that you don't feel these things. The real bravery is in acknowledging it and allowing yourself to feel it. And in the face of the reality of your life, with open eyes and with an open heart, you take the next step the reality of your life. With open eyes and with an open heart, you take the next step. So that is an incredible song. I'll link it in the show notes If you need a good cry.

Speaker 1

I remember I was out raking pine needles last year I think it was in between Thomas's first round of chemo and then we came home for a month oh, I remember it was before his transplant and he was wanting to soak up all the fall, all the season. So we had to carve pumpkins, go to the pumpkin patch, decorate for Halloween it was very condensed put out some Christmas decorations. It was. We experienced a lot of things and I especially experienced a lot of emotions. I was just out in the front yard, you know, raking up the pine needles and leaves, and I'm listening to the song on my headphones and Thomas looks out the window and at this point he cannot touch dirt or leaves or anything like that. It was very hard for him because he's always the one who's doing yard work. He just looks out the window and he sees me out there raking and I'm crying. I have my wireless headphones and he comes out. He's like I'm sorry, you have to r rake, babe, like I wish I could be doing this for you and I'm like no, I'm not crying about yard work.

Speaker 1

I'm crying because I'm listening to this song and it's telling me that it's okay to be sad and that being strong and being brave are in feeling your feelings and this is kind of what we talk about in our podcast. But for some reason, when it was set to that music and I was experiencing it in that new light in light of going through this cancer journey, it was really poignant and important to me. So I think we learn these lessons in life, I think, as soon as we feel like we know something. Sometimes that knowledge that's in our head doesn't connect with our heart, and so we get to relearn it again and realize what does this mean to me in this season of life? So this brings me to a concept that Thomas's counselor introduced to us and it has been so helpful for us.

Celebrating Good News Amid Uncertainty

Speaker 1

He says two things can be true at the same time. You can be completely happy for your friends who are starting families and who are thriving, and you can also be sad that you don't have that in your life right now. You can be grateful for the amazing news about someone's health results, like Thomas's clear cerebral spinal fluid, and you can also feel anxious about the waiting for the other biopsy results. Both emotions are valid and real and they can coexist because we have these beautiful, amazing brains that are so complex and are multifaceted. We can feel many things and sometimes I think that we have this cognitive dissonance or we have this. It feels paradoxical, but when we realize, two things can be true. It's such a helpful mantra of allowing yourself to feel different things.

Speaker 1

This is another way of looking at the black dot and white space concept. There can be a black dot and white space. It's not about ignoring the black dot. It's about putting it into context, putting our trials and difficulties into the context of the big picture of our lives. And it's about refusing to let that trial, that black dot, so to speak, refusing to let it take up the whole screen. And I think there's some things fear can make us zoom in on the black dot and have that be the whole screen.

Speaker 1

I also think comparison can do that too, when we focus on what we lack because, for instance, maybe it's juxtaposed with someone that you love and know, who's in a different season in life. Maybe someone in your life has health, maybe they're starting a family, and this is something that you're not in a space that you're able to, you can start to slip into this maladaptive comparison that you're able to. You can start to slip into this maladaptive comparison Now we compare ourselves to others. Brene Brown talks about upward and downward comparison. To be human is to compare. Our brains don't have a choice. We're constantly comparing ourselves. But what we do get to do, regardless of the fact that our brain does it, is we get to choose what happens next, what we do next. So Brene Brown says, comparison is the thief of joy.

Speaker 1

So when I catch myself doing this, if I am juxtaposing my situation with that of another, I can pause and I can say what do I have that I cherish? What am I grateful for? And the answer is that I have the love of my life, thomas Keeley. He is the overwhelming white space in my life. He's the husband I've prayed for for many, many years. And, yes, we have this black dot of cancer. It is hard. We have discomfort as a part of our daily physical experience for him. And, yes, our family planning looks different right now and I can recognize the massive blessing that is sitting right in front of me, who makes me laugh, even when he's sick. Once we're able to put this into context. We have these hard things, zoom out what's the big picture of my life. We can start to look at the people around us and have SHOY, which stands for shared joy. We can be happy for all the white space in their life and recognize the fact that we can cheer them on. And I think this comes from the act of zooming out, seeing what you're grateful for and understanding that we're all in different chapters and different seasons in our life and it will look different in the different phases that we're in.

Speaker 1

Let's transition to the science behind the black dot effect, because why not? I love science. That's why we titled the podcast Brain it On. So why do we do this? There is a powerful psychological and neurological reason. This is called negativity bias. Our brains are hardwired for survival and in fact, the brain structure is the amygdala, which is a key part of that. It looks like an almond, an almond-shaped part of the brain, and it is the brain's alarm system and it pays extra attention to potential threats and negative events to keep us safe. So, in a primal sense, this is a good thing. It's adaptive. This keeps us from walking off a cliff or touching a hot stove, or you know if a car is zooming by, the amygdala is like whoa, stop. And we have all of this stress hormones and it gets us to stop or jump out of the way.

Two Things Can Be True

Speaker 1

But in our modern world the negativity bias can become maladaptive, so we can get stuck in a pattern of ruminating on the negative. We can start to stress out and worry about things that never even come to fruition. I remember I had so many little worries and anxieties on my mind last year a variety of health things and you know daily life things. I never worried actively worried about Thomas getting cancer. I did watch PSA, love you. I did cry a lot about that, but it wasn't. It wasn't like a recurring fear or anxiety. And then Thomas's diagnosis comes out of left field. And so I think a lot of times we think that in worrying in as Brene Brown says, in dress rehearsing tragedy, we think that we're sparing ourselves of this emotional pain if we're not mentally prepared for it. And yet some of the hardest, most challenging things in our lives we can't even prepare for because they come out of left field. And so I think that when we're stuck in these patterns of ruminating, of worrying what might happen, it starts to create this toxic stress and it can make us feel overwhelmed. We can be worrying about things that will never happen and it can make us feel overwhelmed. We can be worrying about things that will never happen. This is also related, speaking of negativity bias and why our brains focus on certain things. This is also related to the famous invisible gorilla experiment.

Speaker 1

I'll put a link in the show notes. It's such a good video. If you haven't heard about this experiment, I'm going to stop here. You can pause. Click the YouTube link, watch it, because I'm going to stop here. You can pause. Click the YouTube link. Watch it, because I'm going to spoil what happens in this experiment and then press play to this episode. Or, if you don't have time for it, you can watch it later. But it's a really neat experiment.

Speaker 1

Psychologists showed a video of two teams. One is wearing black shirts, I think, the other one, the other team, is wearing white shirts and they're passing a basketball, I think, around and participants were told to count the number of passes made by a certain team. It might've been the team in white. I should have really watched this video to refresh, but that's kind of the gist of it, while they're focused on this task of counting. Literally, a person in a full gorilla suit walks right into the middle of the scene. I think they beat their chest and then walk away. So we have all these participants who are watching this video. This big gorilla comes right in the middle and over half the participants completely miss the gorilla. They did not even notice it.

Speaker 1

So what this illustrates is that our minds can only focus on a finite number of things, and when we're so intensely focused on counting the bad, we literally become blind to the good, and I think that's something that is important to remember the negativity bias. Remember that our brains bless their hearts. Our brains are trying their best to protect us and yet it's very important for us to pull back. What good is there in our lives and what things can I stop worrying about? Can I stop dress rehearsing tragedy? You know, sometimes I ask Thomas's oncologist or transplant doctor now what happens if there is relapse, and at times this is a helpful question. So we can, you know, for instance, have Thomas's donor ready to go to donate some more stem cells? And other times Thomas's oncologist will say, lindsay, we're going to hope for the best or we're not going to go down that road, and that's a really powerful reminder to me to focus on the good, focus on all the things that could happen. What if things go well? What if he's still in remission? Rather than worrying about the negative what if things aren't going the way that we hope for? So ultimately, we get to make a choice. Our brains are going to do what they're going to do. They have this knee-jerk reaction to keep us safe. The amygdala does that and we also. Once we have this knowledge, we get to make a choice. We have agency and autonomy.

Speaker 1

Ultimately, this all comes back to a core truth that Catherine Price shares in her book the Power of Fun. She says our lives are what we pay attention to. We're constantly bombarded with external distractions and worries, so it's important to realize okay, literally the lives that we are living each day are, are the sum total of what we're paying attention to. And Mel Robbins, in her five second rule book, which I was reading the other day, breaks down two types of focus that we need to master the ability to manage distractions in the moment and the skill of focusing on what's truly important. In the big picture is zooming out. Look at the white space. What are those things that are beautiful and good and part of the big picture, and when we realize that our lived experience on this earth is what we pay attention to if we're looking at the black dot or if we're zooming out and seeing all the beauty and all the good that that truly influences and that is the sum total of what our lives are. It's amazing because we can realize that we have so much autonomy. We have the ability to choose and these choices truly impact the way we live our lives.

The Science of Negativity Bias

Speaker 1

A popular quote that sums this up is life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it. The exact origin is debated, but the sentiment is profound and it's a great way to think about how we can choose to respond to the events in our lives. I remember there were times when Thomas and I were in the hospital at OHSU and he had chemo. He had it, you know, connected to his PICC line in his arm and we were watching. We were watching Seinfeld or something and we were laughing. And sometimes nurses or CNAs would come in and they would be like is everything okay? Like we're giggling and hear Thomas's, you know, sick and chemo attached, and in those moments we had the ability to have that 80% of choosing how we were going to react to what was going on.

Speaker 1

Now, believe me, this is not. This is not to say that we get this right or that we do this a lot, but it's to say it's beautiful when you are able to realize I'm going to choose how I react to this, I'm going to put on a fake mustache, on my mask and I'm going to walk around the hospital and be totally silly and absurd and I'm going to make the use of my time in a way that is bringing levity and life and joy, and so that's something that's pretty powerful when we realize, oh, there's really hard stuff in my life, but I can make a choice. I don't have to be really overwhelmed by it. I can still have gratitude, even when other people are looking at my life and they're like, how could you have gratitude right now? Your husband's sick, your mother-in-law is sick. There's so many things in your life that are really hard. I can say but look at the white space. Yes, believe me, I cry over my cereal about the black dot, and yet there are beautiful ways that God is working in these connections with other people. There's beautiful ways that Thomas and I are growing, the way that our families are coming together and supporting us. We have never felt this level of love and connection that we do now in this season of our life.

Speaker 1

This reminds me of a powerful exchange in the Lord of the Rings. We've done a couple episodes now. Thomas will be very proud of me for integrating a quote in a non-Lord of the Rings episode. So this is for you, thomas. This is one that we've already mentioned before, I think. On our first episode, when Frodo is overwhelmed by the burden of his quest to bear the ring, he says to Gandalf I wish that a ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened. And Gandalf's response is the wisdom that helps us all. He says all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. This choice is what allows us to respond to the world, to navigate the hard things and to not just be swept along by the current circumstances.

Speaker 1

I ordered this sign for Thomas's wall, for his birthday, for his office. It's that quote from Gandalf, the one that says all we have to decide is what to do with the time, that says all we have to decide is what to do with the time that has given us, and I thought it was going to be like this big epic sign that he was going to probably put above his desk or in a very prominent spot. And then I get it from Amazon and it's very small, like teeny tiny. It is not the epic sign I was hoping for, so it now lives in my office on my little door, but it's such a good reminder. Yes, there can be really yucky, horrible things and we get to not just focus on. You know what are the beautiful white spaces. But what am I going to do with this? How can I turn this dark, hard thing and how can I look outward and help other people navigate this situation who also are going through cancer, who also are having whatever circumstance that's going on in their life? How can I use my experience for good?

Choosing Our Response to Hardship

Speaker 1

And in the Christian context, this is also what the Bible talks about In Philippians 4.8,. It says focus on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy. We are being asked to intentionally shift our attention to the white space in that verse. So this is a big question how do we do it? How do we acknowledge the black dots, the discomfort, the pain. I'm going to say pain, and we're not supposed to say pain, but sometimes that is the word that truly captures the depth of discomfort that I have seen in Thomas's face, certainly, and that different people experience at different times in their lives. So how do we acknowledge these things while also choosing to shine our spotlight on the vast white spaces? So let's talk about some actionable tips that you can use to shift your focus. By the way, whenever we put together these lists of tips and tricks, this is basically a big research project that I'm hopeful would be helpful to you as you're consuming this content, as you're listening along in your drive home or your walk to the mailbox. But ultimately, thomas and I do these episodes. We come up with these actionable tips to help ourselves. So this is something that I'm truly speaking to myself, that I'm really hoping that I can take to heart and utilize these strategies myself.

Speaker 1

So number one is define your why and audit your life. Bob Goff is one of our favorite authors and he discusses in his book called Undistracted, one of the most powerful ways to combat distractions, and he says this is to have a clear, deeply held purpose. He says when you know your why, it becomes much easier to say no to the things that don't align with it. So I'm going to ask you to take a moment for honest self-reflection and audit your life and see what's truly distracting you. Think about which activities align with your purpose and which do not. This mindful practice helps you shift your attention to what truly matters.

Speaker 1

Tip number two is yes to this, no to that. My brother taught me a very powerful question. He said if you say yes to this, what are you saying no to? This was in the response to me asking him if I should do something. It might have been if I should take on some more classes to my teaching load at OSU, and this is the hard part of making a choice. When he asked me that, if you say yes to teaching these two classes, what are you saying no to? And I realized in that instance I was saying no to working on my positive choices podcast and illustrating kids books. So that helped me step back and say, okay, I have these other creative projects. I am going to say no to taking on a bigger course load for Thomas's cancer journey. It meant saying no to my teaching job, which was difficult but very much worth it so I could be more present and focused and so that we could start a podcast in the hospital. Of course, I realize this is a privilege to be able to say no to things like that, but we can apply this principle to smaller choices every day. For instance, if you say yes to binging Netflix, you might be saying no to going on an evening walk, to having a meaningful conversation or getting enough restorative sleep. So it's important to realize what am I saying yes to and what am I saying no to consequentially.

Speaker 1

Number three acknowledge and process the black dots. Don't push them down like a beach ball. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the fear, the worry. Give them the attention they need, but don't let them take over the entire screen. And in recognizing and accepting these feelings, if you cry which is definitely something I do crying is actually a good thing. It helps the body release stress hormones and promotes a calming effect. So if you process by crying your body and brain, thank you for it.

Speaker 1

Tip number four practice gratitude. A simple but powerful tool is a gratitude journal. Research, like the Three Good Things Study by Martin Siegelman, has shown that writing down three positive things that happen each day and reflecting on your role in them can significantly increase wellbeing and decrease symptoms of depression. I kept my journal when I was in the hospital, as I mentioned in a previous episode, I had my little sticker for the day, the visitor sticker I was wearing. I would put it in my journal. I would write a good thing down Sometimes there weren't three things, but something positive that happened, and then maybe another hard thing to acknowledging both, but taking time to write down or at least talk about the good things in your life as amazing effects.

Five Strategies to Shift Your Focus

Speaker 1

Number five find a way to help someone else. This is a tip that a dear friend gave me when I was living in the hospital on one of the hardest days. Thomas, I believe, was no longer able to eat food. At that point they switched him to IV nutrition because just how swollen his face was and how much of a hazard it was for him to eat or drink anything. So I was crying to her on the phone and essentially telling her I did not have capacity to deal with these struggles. And then she told me you need to start focusing on other people. You need to start helping these struggles. And then she told me you need to start focusing on other people. You need to start helping other people.

Speaker 1

I wasn't sure if this was possible because, as I had just told her, I didn't have the capacity for my own struggles. But she said do it anyway. Find one person a day that you can help, and it can be as simple as a smile. So I thought I can handle smiling. I have to wear a mask, but, you know, maybe I can smile with my eyes. So, as I started to look for ways to help other people or to bless them, one of the ways, a simple way, was riding at the elevator and going up and down the elevator to Thomas's transplant floor at OHSU and the Kohler pavilion, I started to look into people's eyes and most often people are on their phones and when you start to look at someone, they look up and like do you know me, is there something you need to say? So it can.

Speaker 1

It can be unsettling for some folks, but I found that when I looked at people, when I made a connection with them, an amazing thing happened. I found that I could smile at someone who maybe looked down and they would. Maybe their eyes would twinkle back or they would, you know, start to have that, maybe encouragement by my smiling face, or some people I noticed seemed like they were lost and I could help them literally walk them to the cafeteria. Something very basic like that, and every once in a while, if someone looks sad and they had tears in their eyes because when you're walking with a loved one who has cancer, it's such a vulnerable thing and so there were some people in the elevator who I would walk in and they would just have tears coming down their face and something I would do sometimes is just put my right hand over my heart and look at them and just nod and say I get it or I know, or yes, I'm with you. And those were some of the most powerful exchanges is just seeing someone helping them feel, seen, no powerful fancy words, but just being present with them. And at one point I saw a woman who was crying and she spoke Spanish and my Spanish skills are a little rusty, very rusty, and I even tried praying with her and definitely it was a stretch, but she was able to help coach me, along with some of the words to say, and our conversation ended with a hug, so some of it must have been comprehensible to her in Spanish.

Speaker 1

But in doing these different things, I started to feel a renewed sense of purpose and agency. I wasn't just walking into this hospital every day. I was living there. I wasn't walking around the hospital every day in this dark, painful vortex. Instead, I was zooming out and seeing I am in a dark place and this is a place where I can shine my light. I can be a light for other people and I can hopefully be a hope and encouragement to them, and when I do that, it's an encouragement and it's a hopeful act for myself. It was like seeing the white space where God could work, finding a way for good to be worked out even in the midst of hardship and, in the end, by focusing on one person a day, helping one person a day. It was my way of taking back control and having agency and finding my joy.

Speaker 1

Ultimately, this is definitely a journey and some days are harder than others, but by mindfully choosing where we shine our spotlight, we can take back control of our peace, our joy and our lives when we feel like they're spinning out of control.

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We can remember that we get to choose what we focus on and we can remember that we can be brave enough to focus on and we can remember that we can be brave enough to face the hard things.

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Being brave doesn't mean that you don't look at them. It means that you look straight at the hard things in your life and you can choose where you want to focus, as Ben Rector, the artist songwriter, so beautifully reminds us what a strange and precious gift it is to be alive. If you feel a lot of things, then you're doing it right. Feeling things is a part of life. Thank you for listening to this episode. If you got something from it, if you found any little nuggets of wisdom or if it resonated with you, and if you know someone in your life who could benefit from it, feel free to share this episode with them. My hope is that we can all start to be more mindful of what we pay attention to, we can notice the beautiful white spaces and we can start to help other people, even if it's just one act a day. Thanks so much for listening and we will talk with you soon.

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Lindsey Kealey

Host
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Thomas Kealey

Host

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Lindsey Kealey: Social & Emotional Learning Specialist