From People Pleasing to Loving Leadership (How Boundaries Anchor You Into Consistent Income)

We've all been guilty of people pleasing...

and we've also been fed the trope that "The Customer Is Always Right".

BUT...

that doesn't create lasting income, success, or happiness in our business and relationships.

We didn't start business for their piece of the pie!

We started business for ours.

People benefit from our leadership and our direction...

and those are powerful tools to have when creating money in business.

But, they are also tools borne of boundaries!

This week I dive into how we go from people pleasing into loving leadership...

and how that creates lasting income.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Bold Hearts Big Moves. Okay, guys, first and foremost, let me apologize. This episode is arriving to you late today. Usually I like to have these episodes pre-recorded and out and ready for you by 9 a.m. my time. But apparently, I don't know, something there is something in the universe that does not want me to get these episodes out today because I have been sick for the last two weeks, so I haven't been able to record. Um today my equipment broke, which it's never broke before. It always works perfectly. Um and it's just been wow. Just wow, is all I can say. But nothing's gonna stop me from getting this content out. I am determined it's gonna happen. And hopefully um throughout the rest of the week because I'm feeling much better, we'll be able to keep content coming and scheduled for you guys. Um, because this is important stuff. Like we're talking today about um how to go from people pleasing to powerful leadership, right? And what that looks like, what that is. But before I get into that, let me also encourage you that if you are an entrepreneur who is ready to heal from deep trauma that's stuck in your nervous system, causing you to maybe forget your goals, lose motivation on your goals, or um or is making you question your goals, and you'd like to create some unbreakable boundaries so that way you can start living the life that you love. I would love to chat with you and see if I can't do something to help you. These calls are no pressure, no sales calls, actually, just one-on-one time where I can talk with you and help you start setting some boundaries to help you undo the past trauma and set you up for success now. Um, and the link is also in the description below, um, but I'm gonna give it to you again. It's called the link is called Callanly.com forward slash Aaron dash Anderson dash coaching forward slash creating dash your dash unbreakable dash boundaries. Okay. And again, link is in the description below. Go ahead and click that link, schedule a call. These calls do go really, really fast, just a fair warning. Um, and so if you go to schedule and there's not one there, make sure you're getting on the next day or in a couple of days just to make sure you can get on the next slot that opens. Uh slots are open Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And so um, if you don't see anything open, wait until the next Monday and go ahead and schedule those calls so that way you get your slot. Okay. I would really love to talk to you and see how I can support you in your healing journey so that way you can create the goals that you truly, truly want, because that's what busting our blocks truly is actually healing. It's a type of healing. So with that, make sure you like I said, go check out that link, get yourself some time, don't wait because these do book out really, really fast. But today, let's go ahead and talk about like the difference between people pleasing and going into powerful leadership, or I would love to say leadership in love, because one of the things we have to do is define words in life, and you know, I going to I've been going to events and and like um you know self-help and self-betterment events for years now, and I can honestly tell you there's there's a term that has always bothered me, and that is your highest power, your higher power. I don't like that term because what is power? So many people define power differently, they define it as prestige or the ability to control, or uh some people would say that power is like something that surges through you, etc. There's so many different definitions of power, but there is one type of power that is constant, and that is love. This is why I don't talk about your higher power, I talk about your highest form of love. Because that's a power that, if once you understand what love is and how love does not betray you, it never will. And how it doesn't judge you, and how it accepts all parts of you, how it knows the numbers of hairs on your head, how many skin cells you have shed, like it understands why you you act the way you do, or how you why you show up the way you do, or like it gets you, it sees you, it understands you, and it doesn't judge you. It only wants to see you do better today than what you did yesterday, and better tomorrow than what you did today, because that's exciting. It's like the greatest, most universal, hugest cheerleader out there, and it's just rooting for you unconditionally, non-judgmental. That's the type of love I'm talking about. The type of love that creates a banana in Ecuador and sends it to your grocery store because it knows you're going to buy it and it fills it with nutrition that you, your body, needs. That's that type of love. That's in the universe, you know it is, because that happens all the time, right? And this is the thing: that form of love is power because that's actually the way the universe works. Once we tap into that type of love, that really, really high, high level of love, miracles absolutely drop at our door. You know, Mary Morrissey, and you know, not just her, I've actually been listening to a lot of quote-unquote gurus lately who are all talking about the same thing. Tony Robbins, uh Brendan Bouchard, they talk about this type of love. And they all kind of say the same thing, and that is that wealth is acquired at love and above. A type that's a type of energy, a type of vibration. And when we send out the love and we receive the love, we're in the energy of that receiving the things that we say we want. But what blocks us is lies or fear, um, the thing that tells us that we aren't able to have what it is that we say we want, and all the reasons why. But if God can create anything, he can truly create anything for us. It's our job to look past the lie, to look past what is being served at us, to go from scarcity and scared, isn't that interesting that those two words are very similar? And into love and abundance. Love for ourselves, abundance for ourselves, right? And from that other people, because you know, if you're listening to this podcast, your influence on other people does matter, I know it does. That matters big time to you. You're authentic, you what like the impact you have on other people matters to you. I do understand that. So, but the problem I see often happening is that because we care so much about our impact and our, in a sense, energetic footprint on other people, we tend to fall into the trap of people pleasing, and that's not your fault. This is something that we've learned in childhood. Um, and again, you could have had the best parents in the world and still receive some pretty severe childhood trauma. We tend to pick up meaning on things that don't actually mean what they mean, and we carry those definitions and those meanings into adulthood, and they either bless our lives or they kind of restrict it. And if we're not loving the restriction, which I don't think anybody loves restriction, then one of our greatest things that we need to do is release the restriction and get into leadership, loving leadership, because it's the leadership that creates life. The life and living that we say we want, and the life and living that creates a very positive, energetic footprint on on everything that we touch. See, people pleasing isn't kindness, it's a trauma response that costs you clarity, energy, and leadership. It's costing you the things that you say you want. That's the price. Because see, if you're people pleasing you're putting their wants, whether they be good or not, above your own. And you're trading what you think might be safety, what you think might be the best thing, because maybe confrontation is really scary for your nervous system. And I get it, nobody likes confrontation. But people pleasing isn't leadership, it's somebody grabbing you by the nose and dragging you around telling you what to do, because they're not willing to lead themselves. And leadership is such a beautiful thing, it it gives us freedom to act in a way that is in our own best interest, and in a way, and because it's in our own best interest, it also blesses the lives of other people. That's what leadership is. So here's the thing like I get you want harmony, I get you don't dislike disappointing people, and but y you might feel also like that that mixture of resentment and guilt, but this did not come from weakness. Okay, this is a type of childhood trauma because you think that harmony is never having disagreements or never having confrontation. You think that disappointing people is what causes the confrontation, and when you feel that resentment start to build up inside of you, that's actually your inner voice, your inner self-compassion saying, Hey, where are the boundaries here? Where is your sense of self? Where is your self-protection? Like, how are you showing up for yourself? But then the guilt comes in and silences that and says, I don't that that's not good. Like this is not who I am. That's pride. My love says not pride. Pride is one of two things. Pride is grabbing somebody by the nose and dragging them along, and pride is also letting them do it.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

And I know that's kinda hard to hear.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

But if you're letting your clients dictate your prices, if you are letting people dictate how you spend your time, how you spend your energy, how you spend your physical spaces, your sexual energy, if you are letting them in any way dictate to you how you live your boundaries, that's pride. Because pride has no foundation. Pride is the thing that actually has the greatest fall, and you know what it's like being let go of after you know you've pleased and you've pleased and you've pleased and you've tried to please and you've tried to please, and they will not be pleased. It feels like a massive fall, like you've had no bottom in the first place, nothing holding you up, and that's what pride feels like. Now that doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it just means that you've misunderstood a few things. Okay, humility actually is looking out for yourself in a good way, okay? It's not putting yourself above another person. No, we don't want to do that. No, we're all created on equal ground. But when we look out for ourselves, that means that we're putting energy back into ourselves, we are investing in ourselves because it we are our own engine. We are the engine of our life, we are the thing that creates it, and then when we create with God, oh my goodness, heck yes. That's humility because when you love yourself enough to be open to his counsel and create with him, you create a better world. But you can't do that if you don't see yourself as a creator. If you see yourself as someone who has to please everyone else so you stay safe, that's not creator. See, what we've learned as a child, and it's it's something that gets lodged in the nervous system, is that people pleasing equals safety. And that approval is what gives us our survival, right? As a matter of fact, uh that's a very interesting concept because whenever you're approved for debt, we often do it for a type of survival. And there's no judgment there, guys. I've had debt, I still have a little bit of debt, and it's really interesting that you know, as I think about the approval and the approval odds that it was a type of survival. But nobody likes being in debt because then you have to give something up to someone else. Conflict feels threatening to us probably because when we were little we weren't big enough to fight back. And if we're women, if you're a woman listening to this podcast, you know, you we're still not strong enough to fight back against a man. Conflict then can feel very unsafe. Because we also know that fighting isn't a guarantee of our safety. It's one of the it's one of the responses that happens when we get into fight, flight, freeze, respond, right? When we have some sort of trauma, those are the four responses we have. But conflict doesn't feel safe because it's a trauma response. And especially as a child, if we're learning these responses in childhood, of course it doesn't feel safe. But there is a way to have conflict and still be emotionally regulated in a way that can that you can still communicate whether communicate in a way that makes you still stay in safety, whether or not the other person is going to agree or calm down or whatever, there is a way for you to stop people pleasing and step into leadership with boundaries. Okay, and we're gonna talk about that in a second. What that looks like in a normal relationship, and what that looks like also in a business relationship, okay. So, what are the cost let's let's all talk really quick about the cost of people pleasing in business. And I think you guys probably already know this. I've talked about it a couple of times. You've got overgiving, undercharging, overexplaining yourself, like why uh you deserve this money or why you charge this money, etc., avoiding visibility or decisions. And um what tends to happen is we kind of have a loss of authority, loss of clarity, and a loss of self-trust. So let me kind of tell you about a situation that happened a couple of years ago. Um, I had a gal that I had a couple of calls with, um, pretty quickly realized she was not an ideal client for me. She was, I'll just say that she just was not an ideal client for me. Um and she went around and started telling people like that I charged almost$900 an hour for my coaching, which actually is not true at all. Um but she had thought that she had figured things out, she was telling my clients and like potential clients that she they shouldn't work with me because I'll break their banks and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. But in reality, that that was not the case at all. Okay, but I did not like what she was wanting me to do, and this is part of the reason she wasn't a client, is she was wanting me to give her discounted services, she was trying to talk me down off my prices um by almost 98%. I'm not even joking. Uh, she tried to get me to explain, like, and give her reasons why I was worth that much, etc. etc. etc. And I let my results speak for themselves. When I have a client that demands overgiving, undercharging, overexplaining, like I said, not a client for me. Because this is a client that is not going to do the work, they're putting the entirety of their transformation on my shoulders, and I can't do that. Not I can't do that ethically, because I can't make her get in and do the work. I can't make my clients get in and do the work. They have to do the work themselves, right? They have to be willing. To get in and do the work themselves. And any good coach would say the same thing that they cannot make you do the work. So they don't guarantee the result because you're the only one that can. But once you get in and do the work, then the guarantee happens. But if you're people pleasing, and if I was in a state of people pleasing, I would have taken that client on and been absolutely miserable. Probably wouldn't have been paid. Um because she wasn't consistent. People pleasing causes me to be inconsistent in my business. It causes me to be inconsistent with my clients, and it causes me to be inconsistent, therefore, in my results. Because, like I said, the consequences are I lose my authority, I lose my clarity, and I lose my self-trust. Each one of these is a type of inconsistency within ourselves. Leadership requires self-trust. It requires clarity and it requires authority. People need to know, like, and trust you, and that happens because they've been listening to you and they know that you know what you're talking about. It makes sense to them. They put what you say into practice and it works. But that doesn't happen if you're not trusting yourself enough to stay in leadership. You can't lead others if you abandon yourself. That never works. And the reason why is because there is no lead sheep if you're abandoning yourself. There's no direction. If you're not taking the lead, you can't push someone else into the leadership position. Nobody else can know what you know. Even me, like I've been podcasting for several years now. I have been coaching for way more. Um, I am on several different platforms. I have a lot of people listening in to what I say and what I do, which is fabulous. Like, I love it, and I love that I'm changing lives, but I cannot give all of my knowledge even to all of one client. It doesn't work that way. And the reason why is because I'm constantly gaining it. And because I'm constantly gaining it, and it's taken me this long to get the education I have, and then to bestow it upon clients and potential clients and listeners, etc. There is no way I can possibly give ever anyone all that I know, and so it's really important that we don't push someone else into the leadership position. We have to take the lead, and not only that, nobody else can lead us through our lives, they can't live our lives for us. It's not possible. I have heard people say, I feel like I'm at the mercy of everyone else, but in reality, and I've had to be kind of blunt with these types of clients, in reality, what's happening is they are people pleasing, they are allowing other people to dictate to them how they should live, how they should show up, etc., because they're not leading their own life. It's rare for these people to say what they what it is that they really want.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

They're going off of duty.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

I have a duty to this person and a duty to this person and a duty to this person, and even though that's true, because I have a duty to my kids, I've got a duty to my husband, but because I have a duty to them, I also have a duty then first and foremost to myself and to God. I cannot give them the best chance, I cannot lead, and truthfully, like in my home, I can be an authority, but I want my husband to be the leader, right? That's one of the balances between masculine and feminine. We can get into that if you guys would like me to on a different episode. But leadership in life and in my own life, my that's that's not my husband's job. Leadership in the family, that's his job. Leadership in his life, that's his job. Begaining emotional authority, I love that. I'll totally take that on. But that's part of my leadership. Because I have a direction, I know where I'm going, I know what I want, and I know what I want to create. And there used to be a lot of guilt and shame thinking to myself, oh, I'm I'm I'm getting ri rich off of somebody else's pain. That's not true. That's not true. What's been true, and to be honest with you, I'm not even rich, but like what's true is that I am making money off of somebody's healing, helping them create the results that they say they want because they value it with their dollars, and they're happy to pay me. They are excited to pay me because I'm helping them with that transformation. And every single time my clients have ever either doubled or tripled whatever they've invested in me. And the reason why is because they go from people-pleasing into powerful leadership and they start anchoring into boundaries, and boundaries create the life and living that we want, that we love. They create the result because a boundary is what keeps us constant, it's what keeps us consistent with our clients, with our message, with how we show up, whether we're sick or not. Even though I'm not here at 9 a.m., I'm still trying to be constant with you. If even if I showed up tomorrow, I would still try to be constant with you, right? Consistency doesn't always look like it's on time necessarily, but at least the job is being fulfilled. Okay, leadership begins the moment you stop negotiating with your own life, living, and truth.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

So let's start grounding into leadership.

SPEAKER_00 30:44

One of the things that really, really helps is choosing to be aligned instead of approved. Okay, and that actually works on a financial level because alignment looks like doing what is best for the finances, right? Not we're not waiting around for somebody else's approval saying you deserve money. Do you see how that happens? And that happens also in our relationships, especially with our relationship with self, when we source our alignment to ourself, when we say I'm good, I'm good with me, I can be patient, and we're not seeking for someone else's approval to tell us that we can have something. We start keeping our boundaries without having to explain ourselves simply because we are who we are, and we're not going to change it because we love who we are.

SPEAKER_01 31:58

That's what matters, and God loves who we are. God created us already without mistakes. What a beautiful thing. He didn't make mistakes when he created us. Not one. And he's already proud of us. Very proud of us. There is no depth that his love can't go.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

He can always be there as long as we allow him to be. And that in and of itself is enough of an explanation. Nobody else, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone else. So, how does this work in a conversation with relationships? And how does this work in a conversation with your business relationships? For me, I can give you an example of actually let me go back to that potential client when she was sitting there telling everyone, like, oh my gosh, she's so expensive. She charges$900 an hour. I was not gonna say, no, I don't. I wasn't gonna I wasn't gonna argue with her. I wasn't gonna do that because I have a really firm boundary, and this is gonna sound really harsh, guys. I have a firm boundary that I do not cast my pearls before swine. I'm not calling her a pig. What I'm saying is I'm not gonna cast what is value of value to me before something that isn't not going to see the value, that's gonna trample the value, right? So that's what I mean when I say I don't cast my pearls before swine. Okay, I know my value. I even if I was charging$900 an hour, I don't need to explain that to her. I just simply looked at her and I said, hmm, wouldn't you love to l earn nine hundred dollars an hour? And that stopped her. I didn't need to explain anything to her. Nothing. Because here's the truth I've had people happy to pay my prices. And here's the truth. She'd loved to earn what I was making. She could do a lot of good with that. The truth of the matter was that she was mad that she wasn't earning that, and that she didn't feel that she had anything of value to that extent.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

And she was mad at me that I did. Why would I try to explain myself to someone like that?

SPEAKER_00 34:55

Because here's the thing explanations only work on people that are willing to learn. That's the truth. However, I also I also know that not everybody can start at my highest package, right? Therefore, I have many different offerings to help people wherever they're at. And I don't try to explain that either. My genuine I know what's inside my heart, I know my intention, and my intention is enough. And I trust my intention, not what someone else says about what they think my intention is. This also works the same way in my personal relationships. I don't explain myself to them either, unless they are actually genuinely willing to learn if they're in a state of learning. But if they're not, I'm just wasting my breath. And I like I said, I don't cast my pearls before swine. I think about a time like with my youngest son, um, I I told him that he couldn't do something because he hadn't met the requirements, right? I believe it was like he couldn't go to a friend's house because he hadn't done his homework and he hadn't done um his tour, right? And he got mad at me and I didn't explain to him anything. He wasn't in the space to be able to receive an explanation anyway. I just stood there and I said, Well, you're welcome to feel how you feel. I'm not gonna try to change that. But that doesn't change the fact that you still can't go. He threw big emotion. Confrontation galore, well, I can see you feel pretty strongly about this. Unfortunately, you still can't go. See, uh here's the thing about conflict. If we refuse to be conflicted there is no conflict inside of us. Conflicted is when we're sitting here waffling, what should I do? What should I do? What should I do? But boundaries keep us from being conflicted, they keep us anchored, they keep us rooted. Conflict does not happen inside of us when we choose leadership. Loving leadership with powerful boundaries, the unbreakable boundaries. Right? Because we love who we are, and when we love who we are, we get to love others purely too. You're not here to be liked, my love. You're here to lead.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

And those you lead will like you. They're not going to try to keep you conflicted.

SPEAKER_00 38:25

They're not going to try to keep you waffling. They will honor your boundaries because they respect them. They respect who you are because you exude something that they value too.

SPEAKER_01 38:44

And this will give you people that match your energy, people that you want to grow into, and people that want to learn from you.

SPEAKER_00 38:55

And this is how you build leadership, and from leadership, a six or seven-figure business. All right, my loves, again, please do not hesitate. If you want more help with your boundaries, if you want to help healing, if you want help healing trauma, getting that out of your nervous system so that way you can take powerful leadership, make powerful decisions, and are let's say loving and loving decisions, loving leadership, because that is what power is, is love, right? If you want to be able to be stay rooted in love, so that way you can make decisions in love and clarity in love and take your business in an authentic, loving direction, and create six or seven figures this way. Feel free to give me a call. Okay, the link is in the description below. You get a call with me. There is no um obligation to buy, do anything. These are no sales calls. Okay, they are just there to help you in your goals. Callanly.com forward slash Aaron Dash Anderson dash coaching forward slash creating dash your dash unbreakable dash boundaries. 30 minute call. Let's get in and create your boundaries, my loves. Okay, until next week. See you soon. Bye.