Self Defense - It's a Boundary! with Patti Stewart

Did you know you won't create what you say you want if you don't feel safe?

There are many things out there that threaten our safety in today's world...

and if you're a Mom-preneur, that list just got bigger.

My friend Patti Stewart and I chat this week about how to create safety with boundaries...

so you can create what it is you say you want.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 1:05

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Bold Hearts Big Moves. Today I have with us Patty Stewart. And Patty and I have been sitting here chatting a lot about some of my clients that I'm currently working with right now. And like some of the things that she does as um, and you remind me, is a forensic interviewer. That's a interviewer. Forensic interviewer. And thank you. Thank you. I didn't want to get that wrong. But but like we've been sitting here chatting about safety and how important our safety is. And oftentimes, like I personally have seen this with a lot of my clients, and I've seen this in the world of you know, betrayal trauma and with with women, especially because you know I work largely with women, but the idea that safety is outside of us, and I want to say, no, it's not, it's absolutely not. It's something that you create, and that's what we're talking to Patty about today is how boundaries actually transmute into your safety and the safety that you have for your children. Yes? Oh, yeah, big time. Yeah, yeah. So let's talk about that then for a second. Like, let's talk about like how boundaries protect us, like how they protect us from other people, uh, other people's negative or even goes so far as evil intentions, right? And how those boundaries actually protect our children. Because I know, like, for me as a female entrepreneur, you know, I'm a mom of six kids. I love my kids, you know. Um and I even me with with like all of my boundaries, because like, you know, love my boundaries, excellent boundaries here, you can't protect your kids 24-7, unfortunately. There are things that still happen even under your own nose. Oh, yeah, right. So how do we protect ourselves with these boundaries?

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Definitely. So with the little kids, it's starting to teach them about what boundaries are. And then in terms of safety, it's specifically like what is, you know, let's go with body safety. Do your kids understand body safety? Do they understand their body parts? You know, are we using cute names like cookie or are we using the anatomically correct names?

SPEAKER_03 3:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

And I say that because grooming behavior. So grooming, of course, is when somebody is trying to like take down those boundaries and take down those walls so they can get closer to your children or even you. Um, but they're basically trying to befriend you and make it so that you'll give in to them. But if you use a word like cookie, it's totally normal to be like, hey, do you want a cookie? Whereas, you know, if we're using the anatomically correct words and, you know, hey, touch my cookie versus touch my vagina, that's big. Also, if a child hears that word and they know that people aren't supposed to be talking to them about those words, they'll go tell somebody. But if we're using the word cookie, that's normal. Yeah, I want a cookie. Yeah, I'll touch your cookie. Like that's totally okay. So we need to start with teaching the kids, you know, those anatomically correct words and what is, you know, the no-no square. Let's make sure the kids know that. Um, a lot of children these days have no idea what their body parts are or what their functions are, other than, you know, hey, I know I pee, but I don't know where I pee from. You know, I don't know what it's used for. So, you know, starting with safety and boundaries of your body safety is like the really, really core. Um, and research is showing that you want to start doing that as soon as they can talk.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Yes. You know, oh, I like this. Now, I'm not someone, you know, with my kids, I'm not someone who uses cutesy cutesy names for their body parts, right? No, we use the anatomically correct stuff, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

And but I never considered that side of it, right? The the whole reason, like like I did it was more or less simply because I'm like, you know, you guys should know what what your body parts are and that they're not shameful. Correct. Right. Because the thing is, is like if something, if somebody is making you or the way that they're showing up is making you feel guilty or gross or dirty or shameful, that's something we have to listen to. Right. Because if mom and dad aren't using your body parts, like we're we're talking about your body parts, we're not making that a shame-filled thing. Exactly. Right? When somebody else is making you feel uncomfortable about those body parts, the first thing you're gonna do is go to mom and dad and be like Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and that's that's really interesting too, because like I I've noticed that too about my own kids. Like, I've got um uh I've got a little kid who's uh a sixth grader this year, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:33

And sixth graders, you guys know sixth graders, yeah, like like they're just in that stage where they're not little kids anymore, but they're not really kids, and they'll throw in some hormones in there because we all love it when the hormones kick in, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:53

Right, and so like like they're talking about like wildly inappropriate things, you know. And my little guy, he's coming home and he's like, ah, ah, mom, ah, right? Like they were talking about this and they mentioned this and that and yeah, right, like, and and I love it, not that they're talking about that stuff, but I love it because you know, he is number one, he comes to me and talks to me about this stuff, and because there's no guilt, there's no shame. There's like, okay, cool, let's let's let's you're his safe person, yeah. Yes, exactly, right? But two, like validating like how he feels about it, right? That yeah, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about that. That's that's really not something we want to talk about. But the thing that I love too about this, too, is the I think the third piece to safety isn't isn't just knowing like where your safe person is and like feeling free, like understanding and trusting your emotions, like that's all part of safety, but then like advocating for that. Oh, yeah, that's a big piece of it because what does he do? He goes back to school and he's all like, dudes, you're freaking filthy. You're gross like you are so nasty. Yeah, like like why do we need to talk about this? Like, come on, right, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Like, come on, you guys can do way better than that, right? Yeah, exactly. And a lot of times they don't even know what they're talking about. They've heard something in a song that's inappropriate for their age, or they Googled something, or somebody's big brother told them something, and now they're the cool kid because they're teaching everybody else when reality most of them don't even know what it is.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

Especially at that age. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

You see it the most with the sixth graders, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

Especially at that age, they definitely don't know what it is, right? Right. And that's what I love too, is like he comes home, he's like, tell me about this. Like, I felt kind of weird about it, but please tell me about it. So we'll explain it to him. And he's like, Oh, right, yeah, and I love that oh response because you know that tells me so many good things that that that that he's he's getting this whole boundary, this whole safety thing. Exactly. Right. Because it's not like I have to sit down, like, yes, we have to sit down and talk about boundaries and things like what boundaries are, right? And the way that I explain boundaries is it's it's your outward expression of your inner self-love. Yes, right. I love that so much, right? Because that's exactly what they are. Like for me, one of my boundaries is I'm highly respectful. Even if somebody else is disrespectful to me, I stay respectful because I like being respectful, I like that piece of me. Exactly. Right. So why would I abandon that just because somebody else is being weird, right? Right, yeah. And so, yeah, we want to talk to our kids about boundaries too, but we also want to help them by modeling our own.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

And then also helping them live theirs, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 9:56

Oh, yeah. And it's hard modeling sometimes because we have to learn it and we have to understand it. We have to figure out our own boundaries before we can model them to our kids. And it's one of those things they don't teach you in school. Like this is something that hopefully you learned in therapy, but let's be real, who's all going to therapy when they should be going to therapy? That don't or that need therapy that won't go. Yes. Yeah. And then we're just creating that toxic cycle of no boundaries and not understanding ourselves or having that inner self-worth, which is huge.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

Well, and you know, nothing like now that you say that too, you know, going back to the whole therapy thing, and I'm a coach, so I promise I'm not like coming down therapist. There's so many really good therapists out there. You know, I work with um quite a few that are just like top-notch, really, really good therapists, right? But there's also those that push boundaries, right? The ones that actually don't listen to your boundaries, don't respect your boundaries. And the thing is, is I think there's a lot of people that are going into therapy thinking that that's what that that's what therapy is.

SPEAKER_03 11:05

Right.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

And this is another way that boundaries actually help you create safety, like how you understand boundaries, how you actually create boundaries. Because if you actually if you ever do go into therapy, you're gonna be able to say, uh, not for me. Yes, right. I need somebody that's doing this, this, and this, and this. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

So often, though, when you go to those therapy offices, they don't tell you this, though. But you have to learn that from experience and research because a lot of them are like, oh no, you're assigned to this person, like we're just gonna reschedule you with this person. So you have a bad taste in your mouth, and then you're like, Yeah, I'm not rescheduling with that person, or anyone else at your office, like, go kick rocks because this is not for me. When in reality, it was that that person pushing your boundaries or that personality disconnect that just doesn't work. And then that bad taste is like, yeah, nope, nope, I tried it, but it doesn't work. Uh next.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And that's you know, I'll say something too. And we're gonna get back into like the like creating boundaries for ourselves and creating boundaries for the kids, because if we I know for me, like whenever something really major happens in my family, one of the first places that suffers is my business, right? So this is why we're talking about this, by the way, listeners, is because I know a lot of you guys have businesses, um, maybe you're coaches or you know, something out there, and we don't want to see our businesses kind of crumble because the thing is is that also is one of the things that helps us create safety in our homes, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:38

100%, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:39

And so bound this is why boundaries are is so important in business as well. Business like in the business interactions we're doing with our mental health providers, right? Is because again, like you do have to have the idea of what safety is, right? Oh yeah. And and it's it's like nobody's fault that that we might actually view like safety being outside of ourselves, right? Because that's where we kind of experience it the most, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Yes, right, yeah, and what's crazy is that awareness, so like paying attention to your surroundings and what's going on, um, that'll actually prevent 90% of the crimes against you. Yeah, but we all think that it's outside, like some stranger's gonna come get me. No, no, 90% chance you intimately know your attacker.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Yes, yes, this is true. Yeah, you know, and and the thing is, the thing is, is the thing that they're gonna go for the first, and I I say this out of experience, by the way. The thing that they go for the first is to crumble your boundaries or your ability to say no.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

Yeah, oh yeah, and that's that's why I was saying with like the kids, like that the grooming behavior, yeah, same thing. It's the boundaries, you know, for women, same thing. And it can be as simple as like them trying to talk to you in the parking lot and then just not leaving when you say no, or when you ignore them and then just keep bugging you and keep bugging you and keep bugging you, uh, you know, or a dating relationship that just doesn't get it when you're like, yeah, no, this won't work for me. Yes, yes. I mean, there's those are all different boundaries that they they break because they know that if they keep pushing you, they'll be able to get what they want from you.

SPEAKER_02 14:33

Which isn't you, no, yeah, right? That's a straight up thing. It's not you that they want. No, it's they want to get something from you, right? And this is this is why we feel so icky about that, is because they're not wanting the whole person, and sometimes the whole person isn't even available. Let's just say that too. So here's the thing if somebody and I I have my answer for this too, but I I want to totally hear your side of this. If somebody is grooming us, right, I think the most dangerous thing that we do is doubt ourselves, and I think as women even more so, because I like I've I've coached with m men a bit, not a lot, but definitely enough to notice that they don't have the same mindsets of uh sit down, shut up, and just look pretty. Yeah, right, that women do. Correct, right? Um you know, history, a little history lesson here. I found out that there was something that our ancestors used, well, I hopefully not, my ancestors used. I don't think it was used a lot because I just barely discovered it myself, and I was like, what? But back in like the late 1800s, a man could use a thing called uh it was a it was a type as a type of bridle on a woman, and basically it fit over her head, and she could not talk. Like if he felt like she had a loose tongue or he didn't like what she had to say, it was legal for a husband to put that on a wife.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

That is so crazy.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

It's crazy, yeah. And to stop them from being able to speak, right? That wasn't ever saying a thing in a man's category, but it was in a woman's, and we still hear that today to some degree, right? Like, oh yeah, like you're too much. Um, you're worried about nothing, it's all in your head. Yes, the minimizing, the minimizing, right? Yes, and the thing is gaslighting with that, yes, like it doesn't feel good, and I see that, and I'm not like trying to like do like segregation between men and women here because I love men, I really truly do. I'm grateful for the men in my life so much, but you do see that more in women than what you do. Yes, in men, yeah, it happened a lot to men in their childhood, correct? Right, and so they kind of have grown up a little bit, I think, with some of this, but now they're the ones like like I think the I think I see this a little bit more with men who have had that in their childhood, that they tend to kind of grow up that way and they don't realize that they project that type of energy onto women and children, right? Yes, definitely and so I'm just talking about facts here, guys. Again, like I said, not not not trying to uh you know ostracize men or anything like that, but this is something that we deal with, and so this is why you know it's so important that we trust our instincts.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

100%.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

Right?

SPEAKER_00 17:52

Yes, which is hard to do if you've never done it before. Um you mentioned before how like we need to sit down and be pretty. That's what we're taught growing up is sit down, shut up, be pretty. And then as you get older, it's I don't care if that uncle makes you feel uncomfortable. I said give him a hug. And then, oh, that teacher's giving you the creeps, just deal with him. It's just for one school year, you know. So we're continuously taught growing up to not listen to our gut instinct.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

So once you become an adult and you're like, hey, something feels off, you your your brain's like, nope, you've we've done this before. You don't listen to me, so I'm not going to talk to you anymore. And so you have to reprogram your brain to listen to your gut instinct. And it's crazy because if you actually listen to your gut instinct, research shows that a woman's intuition is more than 90% correct. Yes. No, a male's is like 30%, but a female is more than 90. Oh my goodness. If you guys love reading, Gavin De Becker wrote a book. It was like in the 80s, and it's like this thick. It's like two inches thick. Um, but it's all about your gut intuition and how you can pick up on these signs and the things that are off. If you listen, however, we're preconditioned not to. So it's a whole shift that you have to make, but totally worth it.

SPEAKER_02 19:08

You know, and coming from a Christian perspective, okay. Isn't that interesting that the adversary would condition society to say that to women more than men? Right. Right? Because here's the crazy thing, too. I've noticed this too. About in my own intuition, 90% of the time it's right.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Right. Once in a grand while, yeah, it's it's it's wrong. Yeah, exactly. 90% of the time it's spot on. Oh yeah. Spot on. Oh yeah. Right. And so like listening to that, I think is so key. And then teaching your kids to listen. To listen to themselves. Oh yeah. Yes. So let's talk about like how to override that piece of our brain that's telling you to shove it, right? Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about that. And because we also want to teach our kids these concepts and these principles, right? Right. Okay. So, like, how like literally, how do we? How do we like like let's let's let's let's have you answer that question.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Okay, so let's let's not go with like the whole therapy route. Let's go with like what a realistic person is going to do when they're like, hey, I need to start figuring out what this whole intuition thing is. Start with your support system. So we always say that, you know, your mom and your cousin or your best friend, they see the bad in people before you. So talk to them about that. Hey, so you noticed this about my last boyfriend or you know, the whatever. Give me those things that just were off so that you can start imprinting that into your brain. So I didn't like that, you know, he yelled at you at a Halloween party. Okay, well, like talk to me more about that. So I get it. And then now putting that into your head. So you're creating that open communication with your support system who are noticing the things that you didn't notice. Um, and then just remember, you know, it we got to create those new synapses in your brain. So it's not an instant thing. It's you're gonna have to do this all the time. This is not a one-time thing. Also, from today forward, anytime your stomach is talking to you or your body is talking to you, listen. And it can even be something simple as like, my shoulders feel weird. Like, why do they feel weird? Like, let's dive into that. Um, and and so figuring out like why your body's talking to you, because your body's always talking. Yep. So we need to freaking listen. And I mean, we're sometimes we're great listeners, but usually when we specifically sit down with a certain friend that we'd love to talk to, you know, listening to your body all the time. Pay attention to all those little things. Yes. Um, another thing is um when you're listening to your body and you're having these weird feelings in your body, Google them. Like it's so crazy right now that you can actually Google, Google, like, hey, I got in a fight with my boyfriend and my shoulders hurt. Like, what's the emotional connection to that? And it'll tell you now. Yeah, which is so cool. Because like you used to have to have like all these crazy textbooks to figure all of this out, and now you can just Google everything. Yeah. But then then you'll be like, oh, well, I'm holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. And why the heck am I holding the weight of the world? So then you get to dive into it.

unknown 22:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

And then a random crazy thing I like to do with all of this is journal it. So people always think I'm crazy, like, why would I journal safety stuff? Or why would I journal like why I'm feeling? So, and I want a pen and paper, not electronic here. And the reason being is as you're writing, your brain is processing. Yes. So if you write it out, your brain is going, Hey, I've already done this before. It's okay. Like, let's filter that in your head. Let's filter out that emotion you're now feeling. Let's let's figure out that gut instinct that you don't know what's going on. And we're gonna write it out. And then now your brain goes, Oh, hey, no, we're good. We've processed this. Know what to do next time it happens, and that will slowly train you into understanding this gut instinct. Yes, yes. I'm a weirdo when it comes to journaling like that. Oh, I have so much research behind it.

SPEAKER_02 23:18

Yes, yes, yes. It's actually a type of EMDR therapy.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

Oh, I did not know that.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

Yeah, it is because the thing is, is your eyes actually have to like follow the movements of your hand. So it's a type of EMDR, right? That yeah. And so the way that your hand moves and as your eyes are sitting there tracing it, it actually does process things in the brain for that reason. Right. Which is really, really cool to think that your body is that awesome. But if it's that awesome, that just something so simple as just journaling it, writing it out. My favorite, by the way, guys, is letters to God, right? Writing down like how what I'm experiencing, how I'm experiencing it, why I'm experiencing it, my thoughts around it, and then giving it a minute, and then I write back the Lord's response to me. Okay, now that's that's also a piece of this, okay, because that's one of the ways to cement this this new idea into into your into you and into your mind, right? That's one of the best ways to help you actually heal. So I'm totally all for letters to God journaling.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

Oh, definitely.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Right. And helping it, like I said, it is. It's a type of EMDR therapy for you, right? Free. That's a free therapy.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

Exactly. And it is. So they actually say that 10 minutes of writing is equivalent to an hour therapy session with a therapist that actually works with you. 10 minutes, and that's it. So I always say, like, whatever gut feeling you're having, um, get your notebook and set a timer and just write. Even if you're like, why is this stupid lady on a podcast telling me that I need to write and write and write and write for 10 minutes straight? Don't put that pen down and just keep writing and writing and writing. And it's because then your brain goes through all of the mumble jumble and then can clear it out so that you can process whatever it is that you're thinking or feeling and then like creating room, formulate it in your head.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Yeah. Yeah, it's it's it's taking the clutter that's in your mind and actually organizing it, is what it does. And you know, it's one of the reasons why it's we as women need organization, and that is one of the ways we organize the first step, which is which is what's going on in our minds, right? Exactly. Yeah. So like transferring this onto the kids, right? Now, obviously, some little kids don't know how to write their A's and their B's, or they don't get the spelling, or or it's not going to be really journalistic, right? Yeah. But having like one of my favorite things to do for them if they're feeling uncomfortable, and and it teaches them also to listen to their intuition is scribble art.

SPEAKER_03 25:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

Having them scribble it, right? And just again, following the the lines, right? Yeah. It's one of the best things I see it used in lots and lots of different play therapies, right? Is that scribble art concept, right? Because it does the same thing and it does teach kids to listen to their own intuition.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

Definitely. Yeah. And then also having them communicate it with us. So, of course, talk to your kids about like safe adults and who is a safe adult, because you know your itty-biddies have no idea what that means. So you need to explain safe adult to them. Um, and then olders, you know, they got to find the right person. Um, but having them communicate that feeling that they don't know. So, hey, this person makes me feel icky and I don't know why. And then just talking to them and validating them, like even them coming to tell you validate that part. Because I mean, think about it as women. How many times have we had somebody make us feel uncomfortable and we just deal with it? Like you don't say anything, you just deal with it and get through whatever you're in. And then there's some times where those people are in your life for a while and you can't get rid of them. So having those boundaries to help us with that, but we also need to know what that feeling is.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

And and also like realizing that there's no shame in simply telling someone straight up, I'm sorry, but you're making me uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Yes. Like we're so worried about hurting their feelings. I mean, I did it this morning. I had somebody making me feel uncomfortable and I didn't because it was the same thing. You're like, ooh, I don't want to hurt their feelings, like, I don't want to do it. I just ended the call. I was like, oh crap, I gotta go. Like my kid's calling, click. Whereas, you know, instead of saying it flat out, because we need to practice saying, You are making me feel uncomfortable. And oh my goodness, when you say that to somebody, watch the defense mechanism for one.

SPEAKER_02 27:47

Yes, but also pay attention to you to how you feel in that moment, because that's really an empowering thing to say.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

When there's when you're not allowing yourself to feel any guilt or shame or anything around it, it is what it is. That is exactly what you're experiencing. That is your experience in this moment.

SPEAKER_03 28:05

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Now that person can throw out all those defense mechanisms, but guess what? They're doing, they're validating their behavior. Their behavior 100%.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

Right. And if they're validating their behavior, that's reason enough for you to be like, okay, we're done. We're done.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Yeah, we're gonna cut this cord right now.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

Yeah, we're done. We're done. Right. And second, if they really are somebody that is good, they're gonna take that feedback and be like, oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Can you please help me understand like what it was that made you uncomfortable? Exactly. They're gonna do one of two things. Like I love, I love people. I truly do love people, but people are incredibly predictable.

unknown 28:49

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

Right? Uh-huh. They're gonna go one pay way or the other way. There's really not a third way that usually people go, and that will tell you if somebody's willing to make restitution or if they're making want you to take on the guilt or the all or all of the stuff, right? That'll tell you who's who's trustworthy.

SPEAKER_01 29:13

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 29:15

And the second thing that I want you guys to also understand, because I see this one a lot, is how do I trust them again? Right. I get that question a lot. It's not your job.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

No.

SPEAKER_02 29:28

If they really truly value your trust, they're going to build it, they're gonna put in the time for the restitution. Exactly. Right? They're gonna give you space, they're gonna give you time, they're gonna like they're going to work with you because they care about you. Yes, they want you in their life, therefore they want your trust, and they're gonna do the stuff that needs to happen to have that trust there. Trust is earned, not guilt. Yes, yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

Exactly. We need to see a pattern of behavior that is healthy for us. And if they've broken that trust, they now need to rebuild, and it's not easy or simple, and most of the time, not worth it to rebuild. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 30:13

And the second thing, too, I'd say, right, is take on that boundary that I say, like be respectful, right? Because here's the thing you can sit in, like respect can be given. Oh, it doesn't necessarily have to be earned because you're just simply a respectful person. Exactly. Right? Yeah, but saying, This is what I want to like really shift in people's minds, you know. Anybody that's listening to this, saying, I'm sorry, you're making me feel very uncomfortable right now, or even not even like just like leave out the sorry, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable by this right now, or you're making me feel very uncomfortable right now, right? That's respect. Yes, yeah, that's respect for yourself. That's respect for yourself, but it's also respect for the other person. Yeah, because it's giving them an opportunity, a chance right then and there to change. That's the door. Now, if they take it or not, that's up to them. Exactly. You're not responsible for somebody else's emotions, thoughts, feelings, or actions.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

Right. You're not no, you're just responsible for your own.

SPEAKER_02 31:19

Exactly. Exactly. So once you kind of start getting this and understanding this about the boundaries side of things, right? Why you know our boundaries really are the outward expression of our inner self-love. Oh yeah, right? Once you start understanding that, this is how safety is built, right?

SPEAKER_00 31:45

And if you're modeling that to your kids, see what a healthy, respectful person looks like. And let's be honest, there's not many of those in society right now.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

Yes, you're right, you're right. And not only that, not only they're gonna see like what a healthy, respectful person looks like, but they're gonna also be able to tell the difference because they're gonna say, This like, like I have a very stark difference in my brain right now. Yes, right?

SPEAKER_00 32:17

Yes. They so the domestic violence wheel and like that cycle that they see, we see that children also fall into that. And the reason being is they grew up seeing unhealthy relationships. And parents who, you know, instead of talking it out, would fight it out. So they think that's normal. And so when their next relationship, when these kids are growing up, that's what they're finding, that's what they're doing. Like they're part of that because that's what they saw growing up. That was modeled for them. So if we're modeling healthy and they come across somebody who's, you know, belittling them, they'll end that relationship as opposed to somebody who grew up thinking belittling is normal, they're going to search for that type of relationship. So we need to model for our kids what we want, you know, them to be when they grow up and how we want them to view relationships. Do we want them to view something healthy and happy and respectful, or do we want them to think that violence is the answer? And it never is. But if that's all they know, that's all they know. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

Exactly, exactly. I love it. Okay, one last question, okay? Because again, like I said, a lot of the women here that they're they're very, very um, like all this stuff is influencing their businesses and things, right? So let's let's kind of move into that for just a second. Like, how does these personal boundaries, right? Listening to our intuition, modeling that for our kids, how does that impact us on a business level?

SPEAKER_00 33:47

So you have that couple different aspects here. So we can go things like if you're out and about with your business, are you paying attention to your gut instinct about that one guy at the networking event that keeps talking to you that you keep seeing over and over, but gives you that weird feeling, you know? Or you're searching out um customers, but one of them or some of them give you the creep vibes. Like, are you listening to your intuition on this? But also, you know, same thing with all of that, the boundaries that come with being a business owner. You know, do you turn your phone off? Do you, you know, say, hey, I'm not responding to any messages past this time of night, you know, or even when you're at, let's say, a networking event, like do you give everybody your personal number or do you give them your business number? I mean, there are so many different aspects of boundaries and safety when it comes to your business, especially when you're trying to grow. Because when you're growing, you're hustling. I need to hit this networking event, I need to be on this coaching call, I need to be on this podcast, I need to talk to this person, I need to do A, A, B, C, D, E, F, G. And you have that big huge to-do list. And most of us are females, so our to-do list is double or triple what it actually should be. Because, you know, we're we can add that on. That's easy. That's easy.

SPEAKER_02 35:00

Yeah, that's that's that's women for you. Yeah, we do that. We're all we're all a little guilty of that. I would say, I would say we wanna like because one of the things I also teach on this podcast is be careful with that hustle, because that's actually in and of itself a boundary breaker.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

100%. And it's also extremely um, it's like it's a male thing to do. The male's hustle. Feminine is supposed to receive.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

Yes, yes. And if you feel like you have to hustle, this is actually a good thing for you to listen to in your business and how that's showing up in other relationships. Because if you're hustling in your business, most likely you are not listening to your instincts and your gut intuition with other people. That's showing up in your clients, then that client that you're like, I just really don't want to take on. I don't know why. But there's just that's not that vibe, there's not a vibe there for me. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

And it's okay to say no to clients that aren't your vibe or that give you that ick. Like, but especially when you're growing, you're like, oh no, I need all my clients. No, no, you don't. Your mental health, your sanity, your safety, that is a thousand times more important than that money. You know, more money can be made. Yes, but you need to be safe in the process. Yes. Like I said, safe in your boundaries, safe in listening to your gut, safe, it's physically safe, mentally safe. Like you need to have that well-roundedness and not worry about that one client. Like, yes, they may be the money you need right now, but is it worth your safety and sanity? Right. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

Exactly. So true. And the thing is, is whatever is happening in your business, whether you're feeling like that hustle energy or you're feeling like you have to say yes to every client or et cetera, that is a mirror for what's actually happening in your personal relationships and your personal life. Oh, yeah, right. And this is also what your kids are picking up. And this is why like business and and like raising kids in business actually can be done well together, right? It's it's actually a natural thing for women. And I noticed like in my own personal life, like my business has helped me be a better mom. Yes, it's helped me be a lot more present, right? Your business will a hundred percent mirror what's going on in your personal life, and so this is part of the reason why you know I asked Patty to come on today and talk about like feeling safe, because if you're not feeling safe in your personal life, there's something that that is gonna impact your earnings and the way that you're able to show up in your business. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:42

Because we need to feel safe, we deserve to feel safe. Yes, like there's nobody that doesn't have that. They need that we get that. That's like perfect human right, is to feel safe, and to feel safe to create whatever it is you say you want.

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Feel safe enough to create money, feel safe enough to put yourself out there, feel safe enough to X, Y, Z, right? Because the reason why we don't make the moves we need to make in life is that right there. Exactly. Safe.

SPEAKER_03 38:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

All right. Patty, thank you so much for coming on and chatting with us today. This was a fantastic podcast, fantastic episode. Guys, I hope you learned as much from Patty as I did today. Um, where do people go to find you if they want to work with you?

SPEAKER_00 38:28

Definitely. Defenseandheals.com. Oh, I freaking love that.

SPEAKER_02 38:33

Thank you. I do. I freaking love that. And what do you do there? If they go to Defense and Heals, what are they gonna experience?

SPEAKER_00 38:42

Yeah, so we have women and children's self-defense classes. Um, I have also written a book, The Five Steps to Staying Safe Forever. And then I also have some super cute self defense tools.

SPEAKER_02 38:54

Oh, I love it. Go check out Patty, especially if you're looking in for that self defense, guys. Until next time, we'll see you on Bold Hearts Big Moves. Bye, guys.