The Skill of Receiving with Kushla Chadwick

Hey Matey! Kushla Chadwick here.

Erin has had some health troubles that have caused her to be hospitalized.

She's learning some great things that she will share with you next week when she's back,

but for today she asked me to come in and talk to you about the skill of receiving.

Did you know that receiving is a skill?

It's not something that we learn necessarily through our life,

but it's something that we have to learn as women and as entrepreneurs.

Boundaries are a part of that. Identity is a part of that. But above all, safety is a part of it too.

When we say we're going to create, we need to ask if we feel safe to receive it.

In today's episode, we talk about the skill of receiving,

so you feel safe to create.

And please, keep Erin elevated in your prayers as she heals as well.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Hey my friends, welcome back to the Bold Hard Big Moves podcast. I'm Kusla Tadwick, your guest host for today, and I'm standing in for our beautiful Erin. Now, some of you may know already that Erin's been going through a bit of a challenge with her health recently. Ain't has spent some time in hospital. By the time you're listening to this, she'll be back home, which I'm super grateful for. But if you could do me and Erin a big favor, I would so appreciate it. I know she would be so grateful. And that's keep her in your prayers, send her some love, some good vibes, take a moment to think of her today in a positive way. I know that she'd really appreciate it. Now, I'll also add before she became unwell, Erin had put together some notes for today's episode. She shared them with me. And um so what you're gonna hear today is a kind of a combination of Erin's thoughts and my own thoughts, and hopefully it'll land well for you and be really helpful. And if my voice sounds strained, it's because my my throat is a little bit mmm today, so excuse me. Anyway, I'll do my best. So as I was reading Erin's notes, it actually made me giggle a little bit. Uh, maybe not giggle, like kind of laugh on the inside. But what happened is my husband and I were having a conversation the other week, and in that conversation, I'll give you kind of the confidence version, but basically, he was told of a future financial offer that someone wants to make to him, and it's quite a significant financial offer for my husband. And I will tell you, his response could have been a number of different things, but it was actually to shut it down, to reject the offer, and he gave me all of these logical reasons why it wouldn't be good for the person, why it wouldn't be good for him, and even for us as a family. And after like, you know, talking things through with him and getting more facts, he was able to say, well, that actually wasn't true, but he had made it true for him because he just to be quite honest, he just wasn't prepared to receive at that level. And so I want to talk to you today about the whole concept of receiving. And you may have heard this talked about before. Sometimes people talk about receiving abundance, you know, um, being open to receiving, receiving more clients, receiving blessings, receiving more money. And honestly, you know, those statements, I don't disagree with any of them. Like we want to be open to receiving abundance and receiving more clients, more money, more blessings, all of this stuff, right? But I have found myself thinking we hear people talk about receiving, but how often does someone actually teach us how? Because, like just to throw the words around, right? It sounds easy. It sounds like one of those things where you think, oh, well, obviously I'll receive more money if I, you know, go do this XYZ strategy, or I'll receive more opportunities if I, you know, again, go do something, but it's often really unclear what to do. So um when we are unclear and we know we want more, we then start to sometimes do things like we minimize, we dismiss, we talk ourselves out of doing certain things, we explain things away. Like my husband, he tried to explain this financial opportunity away. He did minimize it without receiving facts and tried to kind of dismiss it, right? And honestly, if he didn't get a little bit of pushback, then that opportunity would be completely lost. And like whether or not he goes ahead with it or not, you know, whatever. But I want you to see like, are there ways in which you're minimizing your opportunities, dismissing your opportunities, talking yourself out of getting clients and explaining things away because to you, logically, they make sense, right? And I don't think, by the way, I don't think it's because we're silly or ungrateful or any of those things. And I don't think it's because we don't want those things. I can tell you, my husband would have loved the financial amount that this person was talking about in the way that they were talking about it. So again, it might not make sense to someone else to hear us say, oh, we want this, but then in some way negate receiving it. But I want to show you and go through how you can become a better receiver today, right? Um, again, because for most of us, nobody has ever really taught us how to be a great receiver. So that's what we're gonna explore. Um, now, because after reading Erin's notes and thinking about that conversation with my husband and reflecting on my own life and honestly coaching hundreds of women business owners over the years, I've come to see receiving very differently. I don't think receiving is obviously a personality trait, right? I don't think some people are naturally good at it and other people just aren't. I think, and I know Erin agrees with me on this, receiving is a skill. And like every skill, it can be learned. So when we think about receiving, we want, we don't actually think about money first. Money is just one expression of receiving. So receiving to me is making the conscious choice to fully experience something good, right? Not just getting it, but actually experience it, right? So let it land, let it matter, and think about that for a second. Someone gives you a genuine compliment. Did you receive it? Or do you immediately say, oh, this old thing, oh, anyone could have done it? No, it wasn't really me, like that kind of stuff. I know my daughters have even um like called me out on me doing this, and I didn't realize I was doing this, right? So we can all kind of grow to a certain level, and then like things can show up, show up to show us, like, oh, actually, here is an area where I can become better at receiving. So for me, um, I had my daughters had begun to notice that when I'd been making some meals, and we'd increase the number of nights that we were eating together as a family. And so I had been making more meals, and sometimes when I'd put in this extra effort, my daughters would one of them would say something nice about the food, and I'd go, Oh, but thanks, but and then I would say, like, I didn't get to do this to it, or I didn't get to do that, right? Because I was trying new recipes, some of it felt unfamiliar, I didn't feel like as in my zone as I normally am in my cooking, and so logically, I could have explained away why I wasn't good at receiving those compliments, but honestly, we want to be open to just receiving, period. Okay. So I want to ask you have you noticed that in yourself? If someone gives you a genuine compliment, do you receive it? Or is your first response something a little bit, you know, whatever? If it is the case, there's nothing wrong with you. It's all perfect, it's just something for you to be curious about and to notice, okay? Another example: a new client joins your coaching program. Do you pause and celebrate, or do you immediately start worrying whether you know something's gonna go wrong? Are you gonna be good enough? Because this client's a bit more maybe advanced than the last one in a particular part of what you do, right? Whether you'll deliver enough, whether they'll be happy, whether they'll ask for a refund, right? And start to dramatize the things that could go wrong. The good thing arrived, but you don't really experience it, right? Because you're caught up in some of the drama and some of the things that can go wrong. And I know this can happen. I know Erin has got so many stories about doing this, and she's watched clients do it over and over again. A woman works incredibly hard to become visible online, right? She finally gets invited onto a podcast, let's say, and instead of celebrating, she spends the next week worrying about whether she's good enough, or maybe someone finally fills their first group program, and instead of enjoying the moment, their brain immediately jumps to how am I going to do it again? In fact, Erin and I, when we were running the Unashamed Life Coach School together, we had a client who she did amazing. She brought in thousands of dollars within, I think I can't remember the number of weeks it was. It's somewhere between four to six weeks, right? And she'd made over $20,000 starting her coaching business. I'm like, if only she knew how how amazing that was, right? And some of you have been at this a while, and maybe you took a long time to, you know, start generating profit, you'll be like, wow, that's really cool. And some of you, you're like, yeah, of course, right? But no matter where you are, we had this particular client, and she did really great. But then straight after she started to catastrophize a little bit about all of the things that could go wrong. So she was able to receive, and then immediately her nervous system's like, uh, but what about this? You know, what about the responsibility? And I won't go into all the fight, flight, freeze form kind of side of the conversation today, but I just want you to know that there are reasons why we don't receive, why we need to practice this skill of receiving, right? So do you see what I mean? Sometimes the very thing we've been praying for finally arrives. And instead of letting ourselves like fully experience, sit in the moment, enjoy it, our mind races ahead to the next problem, or it questions whether we deserve it, or it tries to explain it away. And I think that's just really interesting and something that we should be curious about. Now, one of the things that Erin teaches all of the time is identity, and you probably knew that, you know, me speaking on her behalf that I would bring identity into this somewhere because honestly, identity sits underneath almost everything. And the more I've thought about receiving, the more convinced I've become that identity plays a huge role in it, right? Because we tend to comfortably receive whatever matches the way we currently see ourselves. So if I genuinely, genuinely see myself as capable, it's easier to receive opportunities that ask me to lead, of course, right? If I see myself as someone whose work creates real value, it's easier to receive money for that value, right? If I see myself as worthy of love, it's way easier to be in a loving relationship and receive love without questioning it every five minutes. But if those things don't fit my identity yet or your identity yet, then they can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Even if logically we say, yeah, this is what I want, even if our heart now and Russia say, you don't understand, Aaron, you don't understand, Krishna, this is like this is what I want, right? We, our subconscious, our nervous system, those both of those talking together, they can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Again, not because there's anything wrong with us, our journey is what our journey is. And it's not that we need fixing, but simply because our identity is always trying to create consistency and predictability. And I honestly absolutely love that thought. Our identity is always trying to create consistency. So if I've spent years seeing myself as someone who struggles financially, receiving financial abundance can obviously feel unfamiliar. And if it's unfamiliar, that means unsafe to your body, right? And so your body will start playing up, it will start doing things, you'll start ghosting in your business, you'll you'll have a strategy, and then you'll do everything to be busy in your business, but actually not do the strategy, right? I personally have seen this time and time again with my clients, right? And also, I know Erin will have like had these conversations with you where the person who like sees herself as you know uncapable or like maybe that's not a good example. I think a conversation Erin and I have had about this a lot is someone who feels like they've got a lot of responsibility, right? Maybe they've got young children like Erin. My children are adults now, but I remember when I was homeschooling and running my business, like responsibility was something which definitely slowed me down. The fear of having extra responsibility, it felt unsafe, right? And so when, and it can be responsibility, it could be visibility, it could be um like fear of how it's gonna jeopardize your health, it can be so many different reasons why something feels unsafe, and it then is going to be something which we is going to impact the way that we receive, right? So receiving can feel uncomfortable if it's perceived as being unsafe, if it's perceived as being unfamiliar. And again, if I've spent years believing that my value comes from constantly working, receiving rest can almost feel irresponsible. I will say that is not me. That is not me. I get plenty of rest, but not because rest is wrong, but because it doesn't match the identity that I've been living from. And I want you to know that it is incredibly compassionate to take time and just be curious about the way you're receiving things. If you have wanted something and you haven't received it yet, um, I don't want you to be asking yourself, what's wrong with me? Instead, I want you to be asking, what identity have I been living from? They're two very different questions. Like, what identity have I been living from? And actually, I have this exercise which I give my clients now. Um, it was an inspired little thing, but I'll give you a little part of it. And I I'll give you an example because the whole bit will take way too long. Um, but there we know that with the nervous system we have like the fight, flight freeze of one. I want you to imagine that um you've got two identities, right? One is your current self, the one who has gotten the results and that you are getting in your life and in your business now. Okay. Whether that's like working a certain number of hours each week, whether that's getting a certain number of clients or not getting a certain number of clients, getting a certain amount of income or not getting a certain amount of income. And I want you to think that's your current self, right? Whatever you have now, she's created that. And whatever you're doing, she's comfortable with that. Whatever you're believing now, like she is familiar with that, and that's what she wants to keep creating. And then you've got the identity of your future self. And this identity in particular is not just kind of your future self, kind of in a linear time frame, just the same as you are now. She's the future you who's actually already received the results that you really, really dream of and really want. Okay. She went back and she did it. Now, you've got these two identities: your future self who wants to pull you into the current you into her reality, and then you've got the current you who wants to pull your future self back into her reality, right? And so I want you to think about it, like in when we look at fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. I give specific exercises. So, for example, with the fight, um, I actually get my clients to imagine that the two identities are in a boxing ring. Um, so just think of boxing gloves, right? And they are both fighting for something, right? They're two sides of yourself fighting, your current self and your future self. And they've got boxing gloves on, they're in a boxing ring. I want you to imagine like what are they both fighting for? Like, what is it like that really in the heart of hearts that they've both been fighting for? And so that's an example. Excuse me, I'm gonna cough. Yeah, so that's an example, right? And again, it's not like that anything's wrong with you, it's just looking at what identity have I been living from. And something else that I've been thinking about is this. Most of us were taught how to achieve, we're taught to work hard, to be responsible, to solve problems, to keep going, to push through. And don't get me wrong, those are wonderful qualities. I will tell you, like, I think Erin is someone who's like she's a pusher-through. Like she's awesome. Like, yeah, she's got grit. Um, and that grit can serve us well. And very few of us, in spite of our grit, are taught how to receive, like how to receive encouragement, generosity, receive support, receive rest without feeling guilty. Um, how to pause long enough to enjoy what we've actually created. And I wonder if what, mmm, what's the word? Oh, like I wonder what would have been different if someone had taught us that growing our capacity to receive was just as important as growing our not opacity, capacity to achieve. Like just maybe, maybe we're not only learning how to build a different life, we're also learning how to let ourselves actually live it. And here's something else I've noticed over the years. I think most of us genuinely want beautiful things in our lives. We want more peace, we want stronger relationships, we want meaningful work, we want businesses that make an impact, we want financial freedom, we want more time with our families, we want to feel healthier, we want more joy. I know for me personally, um I want to travel. And for me, traveling actually was uh, I guess, one of the biggest motivations for why I created the successful coaching business that I did. Obviously, part of it was to help people. Um, really, really wanted to do that, very impact-driven. But, you know, the part for myself was like I wanted to travel. So I think we all want different things, and we don't need to make something right or wrong for wanting it, because I think there's always a journey that comes with going for the thing. There's always some growth that goes with going for the thing, right? And I will say, I think many of those desires have been placed in our heart for a reason. I remember when I first decided that I was going to be wealthy enough to travel more. Um, one of the first thoughts that I had was of this old Italian woman going, Mamma mia, like not like of all the reasons to want to go to Italy. It wasn't for the beautiful architecture or the history or the fashion or the food. It was just, I had this image in my late in my head of an old woman going, Mamma mia. And I'm like, it just lit me up. And that was enough to make me want to choose Italy to travel to. And that was the beginning of like an amazing journey of growth in my business. And so I'm just sharing that to say you don't have to have like some spectacular reason for wanting what you want, right? But here's what's interesting sometimes we finally begin creating those things, and then we discover with also uh at the same time having to learn how to receive them. Like we start the process, but we don't actually receive. So for instance, you know, I could have started to create more success in my business and then not book the trip to Italy, right? I may like at times, you know, I could have thought, well, I know I really want to go to Italy, but you know, I'll just buy this for my family because they need it. Like we need a bigger car or we need a blah, blah, blah, right? So sometimes like we really we're so close, we're on the way there, but then we kind of redirect and we don't receive the thing. And I've worked with women, um, and I know Erin has two, who desperately wanted more clients. And then those clients started arriving, and then suddenly they were like learning how to receive being seen, receive being acknowledged. Uh uh, for me personally, one of the things actually um was I started getting clients. So this is going back, oh, I don't know, maybe 15 years or something, and my first coaching clients, I would work my butt off to, I'm not in terms of the hours, but I mean my focus, my attention to them, my energy. Like I was all in for my clients, and they would get some phenomenal results happen, and I would never record it. I would never ask for a testimonial, like um, you know, use them as a case study. And I actually did that for years. So I was good at receiving the money. Um, I was not good at receiving the praise, right? And obviously, that's like really helps your business when you do. But I think one of my things was like, you know, being humble. And it's not that I thought, oh, don't receive praise from your clients, don't record this. You need to be humble. I didn't like have those thoughts, but there's a story running in the background that I had for myself. And you'll have stories running in your background too. And um, you just again you want to be curious, you want to pay attention, become aware. So you can receive in the ways that you need to receive and will want to receive, and yeah, and grow your business and income in the process. So you might need to receive people believing in you. You might need to receive, you know, responsibility and like put things in place so that you can receive that extra responsibility that comes with having extra clients, right? Because when you're making more money, you're getting more clients, right? And when you're getting more clients, there's more responsibility. And for some of us, that's going to feel heavy. You've got to learn how to receive that. So, what do you need to put in place to receive that responsibility? What do you need to put in place to receive someone's investment in coaching or working with you, right? I have worked with women who've wanted to earn more money and they've started earning more money and they realize they also had to learn how to receive prosperity without like feeling like it's heavy because of that responsibility, or without feeling guilty because you know that person's investing money and paying all that money to work with them. Um, or without feeling like they have to justify every dollar or worry about what other people think, right? How other people are judging them. I'm sure Erin would have had conversations with you guys about some of the judgment she's received from people who have been close to her, um, and how you need to be a great receiver in spite of what other people might think, right? So it's almost like every new level of growth invites us to expand. Well, it's not almost like it really is truthfully, every new level uh of growth does invite us to expand our capacity to receive. Not because, again, not because we're like failing at something, but it's just because we're growing and we're human. And like curiosity and being open and becoming aware is one of the things that's going to help you so much to become a better receiver, versus like judging, which will shut you down and keep you stuck in the the routines and the beliefs and the things that you're doing and the identity that you have, right? So instead of asking yourself, why is this so hard? Because that's a current you question, right? That's a current identity question. We can ask, what am I learning to receive here? Or an even better way to put that would be from your future self, what did I learn to receive here, right? Because your future self, remember, she's already got the results. So you're almost looking at things as if it's a memory versus like um pushing out into the future. So what did I learn to receive here from your current self? This one question could change everything for you, actually. So make sure you write that one down if you didn't. And another thing that kept coming to mind as I was preparing for today was boundaries. And I know Erin talks about boundaries quite a bit. And if you haven't done um Erin's boundaries course, I totally recommend you do. I'll make sure that she puts it in the um show notes. But if you've listened to Erin's podcast for any length of time or you've followed her work, you'll know that um she's spoken a lot about boundaries. And usually we think of them as something that protects us, and they absolutely do. Healthy boundaries, they protect our peace, they can protect our physical energy, our emotional energy, it can protect our relationships. But I think they do something else as well, and that is that they expand our capacity to receive. Because I've been speaking about receiving, but what you want to do is expand that capacity because every healthy boundary creates space. So think of it like the space to think, a space to breathe, um, maybe to hear God when you're meditating. When I am out walking in like the woods, I actually just took a walk this morning, and part way along the walk, I actually picked up my daughter's dog because she's kind of on my way to the forest where I was walking. And I had my headphones in listening to some things that I wanted to listen to. But then I also took times without my headphones and just listening to the tree. There's actually some wallabies and kangaroos around as well, so just enjoying the beauty and just having that space, right? That space is so important, and boundaries help to create that space, right? So whether that space is for relationships, joy to hear God, to like allow yourself to think clearly about opportunities. Just I know that one of the things I've noticed in my own life is that every time I remove something that no longer belongs, I create room for something that does. And whether that's like, you know, oh, there's so many ways you could think of this. Like decluttering. I know whenever I do a big declutter, I'm about to make a a bigger amount of money. Um, and it's not that I always have like lots of stuff, but decluttering um your physical stuff can be amazing. It can be taking out, having like space for um like space to think, like I said, today, uh, which means you know, taking out an activity or something else that I was doing and replacing that with that morning walk, right? It can be something like that. But creating room for something that you actually want to do that's actually going to allow you to expand and have more room to receive. Because receiving doesn't always begin by adding more to your to-do list, right? By like, you know, doing all of the things that can be done. Because I will tell you, as much time as you like, um what's the word? Decide that you're going to run your business in, your business, like there'll be things you can do to absolutely fill that space. There's always going to be things you can do to fill the amount of work that can be done in running a business, right? So we need to make sure we've got space to do the things that are most important for yourself, not your current self, but the self has already done the things that needed to be done. Okay. Now that naturally leads me to another thought, and then we'll probably wrap up soon. But I think receiving is deeply connected to safety. And our nervous system, like I spoke about a little bit before, is constantly asking like different questions. It's asking, is this safe? Is this safe for me to be seen? Is it safe for me to like stand out as a leader? Is it safe for me to charge more? Is it safe for me to rest? Like, and that might sound like a bit silly, but honestly, for a lot of women, they they take on this thing of like having all the hats and doing all the things because they're capable, they're smart, um, they'll work hard, and so they'll do all of the things. And there's like, well, I can't rest. But I want you to know you can rest. It is safe for you to rest. And it is safe for you to have more money, clients, and responsibility when you put the right structure in place for you to do that. It's safe for you to have more money. It can come in and it can flow out, but it flows out intentionally in ways that um meaningful to you. It doesn't have to be meaningful to anyone else, right? But it's meaningful to you. So you want it to flow out, but you want it to be flowing in always slightly, not even slightly, but always more than what is flowing out. But again, it's not constricting the flow out because we do want to use it and spend it on the things that are important for us, right? So um when you look at your business and your life, I want you to ask yourself, is this safe? Again, is it safe for me to be seen? Or are you worried about the neighbor who might be judging you? Right? Is it safe for you to lead, or do you think that you're not good enough yet? Right? And again, we can go on and on. Is it safe for me to charge more? Is it safe for me to rest? Is it safe for me to have more responsibility? Is it safe for me to have more money? And if the answer comes back in some way, shape, or form is a bit quirky or a bit like a no, then your brain will probably try to protect you, not because it's against you, because it's truly for you. It's just trying to keep you safe. So, and it's not just your brain, it's your whole body, your whole nervous system, right? The beautiful thing is you can gently teach yourself that it's safe. And every time we honor one of our boundaries, every time we keep a promise to ourselves, every time we tell ourselves the truth, every time we choose courage instead of hiding. And again, it might not sound courageous to someone who's not running an online business to like post something on social media, but it can feel like a big step of courage to do that and to do it again and again and again in multiple places, right? We're quietly, when we do this, when we choose that courage, we're quietly building trust with ourselves. We're teaching ourselves it's safe. And as that sense of safety grows, our capacity to receive grows alongside it. Okay. So, you know, I don't think receiving is passive at all. In fact, I think it's one of the most intentional choices we make. It's choosing to notice the good, choosing to let it matter, choosing not to rush straight past it, choosing to celebrate it. I love a good celebration, choosing to enjoy it, choosing to trust it. And I think sometimes we spend so much time climbing the mountain that when we reach a beautiful view, we barely step long enough to take it in before looking for the next mountain. And I am speaking to myself here too. How often do we answer one prayer only to move straight on to the next one? Right? How often do we reach one goal without taking a moment to actually experience it? So receiving is allowing ourselves to fully experience the life we've been working so hard to create, or that little specific part of your life in your business that you've been trying so hard to create. And as I was reflecting on all of this, I obviously couldn't help thinking about Jesus. One of the things I love about his ministry is how often he invited people to receive, receive peace, receive healing, receive rest, receive grace, receive hope. He didn't say become perfect first, right? He invited people to come as they were, to open their hearts, to receive what he was freely offering. And I find that really comforting because maybe receiving isn't about finally becoming worthy enough. Maybe it's about trusting that God delights in giving good gifts to his children. I so believe that. So I'd love to leave you with something practical to think about this week. Instead of asking yourself, what do I do next? Try asking what I am willing to allow. Am I willing to allow encouragement, support, joy, peace, rest, life, success? Am I willing to allow myself to enjoy what God is already doing in my life? Just sit with those questions. You don't have to force answers, just notice what comes up because often those answers point us towards the next area where our identity is growing. So as we finish today, I want to leave you with one final thought. I don't think we're just learning how to create a different life. I think we're learning how to become available to fully experience it. And maybe that's what receiving really is it's choosing to let the good things in, to let them matter, to let them shape us, and to let ourselves celebrate them joyfully, just enjoying them. Not because life is perfect, life is gonna life, right? But because every prayer has already been answered. Because every time something good arrives, we have a choice. We can rush past it, we can minimize it, or we can explain it away, or we can pause, take a breath, say thank you, and let it land. So if you take one thing away from today's episode, I hope it's this receiving isn't selfish, it isn't weakness, it isn't something reserved for a fortunate few, a lucky few, or anything like that. It is a skill. And every time you consciously allow yourself to fully experience something good, you're strengthening the very skill that creates the success you've been craving. Thank you so much for spending time with me today and letting me stand in for Erin. Well, I guess you didn't have a choice, but thanks for staying here and listening. And um, make sure again that you send some good vibes out to Erin and your prayers. And thanks, Erin, for allowing me to step in and share this conversation with your audience. And I hope right now she's home, resting and feeling stronger by the time this episode reaches your ears. Have an amazing week. Keep being brave, keep making bold moves, and I'll see you next time. Bye.