Intuitive Mentor Mom: Strategies for Life Empowerment, Self Love and Gratitude for Single Moms

32: Challenging the Dating Narrative: Should Men Be Doing the Work First?

• Tara Mychelle • Episode 32

Share episode

Send us a text

The "men need to do their work" narrative pervading dating advice creates separation and judgment rather than fostering healing connections. This way of thinking prevents us from seeing how our romantic partners serve as mirrors reflecting our own healing journey.

• Changing our perspective from "they need to do their work" to "what is this reflecting in me?"
• Using relationships as opportunities for personal healing and growth
• Recognizing we attract partners at our actual level of healing, not our idealized self-image
• Understanding that healing comes through love, not judgment
• Appreciating that we're all healing different aspects of ourselves at different paces
• Finding courage to stay curious when triggered instead of dismissing others
• Transforming relationships through grace and allowance rather than expectations
• Acknowledging that being alive is spiritual work—everyone is doing their work.

I'm also thrilled to announce my upcoming Heart Healing and Rewiring workshop on July 20th. This 90-minute online event will be limited to 20 participants where we'll work collectively to clear trauma, remove blocks, and create new possibilities through guided meditation and energy work. The heart communicates more to the brain than vice versa, making heart healing the foundation for lasting transformation. Register through the link in the show notes to secure your spot!

Heart Healing & Rewiring - JOIN US TODAY! 

Looking for confirmation, guidance, or support in an area of life where you feel stuck, stagnant, or simply unclear of what to do next? Let's connect: book a complimentary Discovery Session with me, today!

Book a 30-min Discovery Session Here

Visit my YouTube Channel

Intuitive Mentor Mom on IG

Speaker 1:

A statement I continue to hear, and it causes every hair on the back of my neck to raise, is men, you got to do your work. I'm hearing this a lot in the realm of dating, romance and relationships, and I want to challenge this thought this week, as it's something that really has me thinking. Are we truly empowering love in the realm of relationships and romance, or are we creating a new layer of separation, a new layer of divide, a new layer of superiority, a new layer of? Hey, I'm going to let myself off the hook and not take responsibility for my own healing. Let's unpack this and I'm going to challenge this narrative. Let's get started. Welcome back to the Intuitive Mentor Mom podcast, where we explore strategies for practicing more self-love, gratitude and finding new ways to empower ourselves in this ever-changing healing adventure of life happening for us. I'm your host, tara, michelle. Let's get started.

Speaker 1:

So many women here in America and I'll say America because I can't speak globally for the world, but many women here continually say men need to do the work. Men need to do the work. They need to do their work. I hear it on Instagram, I hear it on Facebook. There's all these memes, there's reels, all this stuff about men not doing their work, and there's even empowerment coaches out there claiming to want to empower you when it comes to dating and relationships. Yet empower you from this context and to me this context has, it has like an element of anger, bitterness. Me this context has, it has like an element of anger, bitterness. It also sounds like it comes from a space of unhealed parts of their own heart, and I know everything I'm about to share today. I want you to make no mistake that I, too, am looking at myself when I share all of this, and I'm looking at you. Know what is this reflecting for myself? Because it triggers me, because I see it as a form of separation, I see it as a form of hate and I see it as mean. I really do feel it's mean. So I, as you all know, those of you listening and those of you that are new, thank you so much for joining us. This podcast is all about how life is happening for you, and we talk about various things happening in the world and my own life experiences and things of that nature. But, as I like to share, you know that, coming from life, is happening to you as in, you're the victim. And again, hear me out.

Speaker 1:

Some of you may already feel a little annoyed or triggered by some of the things I've said, but I just want you to consider like, go ahead and try this on for your entire life, or not your entire life. Let me take that back. Try this on for all areas of your life. If you might be in a marriage okay, or you might be in a committed relationship and you might think in your mind he needs to do his work, okay. Well, consider, you do too. We all do, okay, and we're doing this together, and I want everyone listening to this conversation to try this on in all areas of your life, because it may be showing up in areas of friendships or career or whatever it's relationships okay, and often everyone's talking about you need to do your work. We're all here doing our work. Okay, we're all doing the work.

Speaker 1:

But I'm going to challenge this thought today. So what if that man that is showing up in his not so worked on self and you can define that however you see fit in your situation what if we flip the script? That man? He's simply showing up as a reflection of how far you've grown. What if he's a reflection of where you're at, or maybe he's showing up, reflecting to you areas of your heart still unhealed, your heart still unhealed. And so what is it that even has us say men are not doing their work? I'm really curious, like what has us say that? Who decided that was going to be the new narrative? Because, how I see it, the pure simple fact that he's living on this planet, any human being, honestly means they're doing their work. Being alive on planet earth is a spiritual job. It's spiritual work. It takes something to be here, it takes something to stay here and it takes something to enjoy here something to stay here and it takes something to enjoy here. So for us to diminish anyone by saying they need to do their work and I'm also going to add I have said that statement, I have totally said those words, and I'm eating them right now because I began to look at what does that really freaking mean when we say they need to do their work? You know I'm going to say that that's when we need to do our work, so I'm going to continue on here.

Speaker 1:

If you are a man or a woman aligning with this notion that someone out there outside of you needs to do the work, what if they're simply showing up where you have work left to be done, because, remember, we attract exactly where we're at, and maybe all that is showing up is a reflection of your old thinking. It could be a reflection of your old alignments. It can be a reflection of your old alignments. It can be a reflection of your old paradigms. I mean, really, have you considered that? You know, if you are yourself in this new way of thinking, right, if you're in this new space, you've done a lot of work and you're like, ready, gung-ho, I'm going to go out into the world, take all these new tools that I have and I'm going to implement them into my life, right, and then you begin to see these people showing up, but you're like, well, how come they're not where I'm at? Well, consider the vortex of energy, right? Any of you guys remember Abraham Hicks the vortex of energy. So when you have that seed of thought, right, this new thought of this new version of who I am and this new version of who I'd like to see myself attract, remember, there's a gap there. Okay, so I don't want to get sidetracked, because that's a whole separate conversation, but I wanted to add that because it's something important to consider. Remember, we attract what we think where we're at. So what is it? The work? Okay, what work for you is left to be done If a man shows up in a dating situation that is less than desirable to you?

Speaker 1:

And guys, if you're listening to this you can put whatever actually men or women, I don't care who you put in that placeholder, just talk romantic relationships. But I'm using this context because it's what I see a lot of out on Instagram and out there in the social media world is all these women like bitching and moaning about men need to do their work. Okay, and it's very annoying to me because I think it's so mean, but anyhow, put whoever you need to put in this place. So, if that person shows up in a dating situation that is less than desirable to you, can you allow them grace and just be curious from like, where are they coming from? Where's he coming from? What's his past? What's his pain? What has his journey been? Who is that person? And why is it that I'm seeing him, that he's not done his work? I don't know anything about him, right? Can you step into his shoes and relate and then reflect onto yourself and ask why is this experience happening for me. What am I being shown in this reflection happening for me? What am I being shown in this reflection and what expectations for the outcome are you reflecting when you operate from the context of he needs to do his work? What expectations for an outcome? Because that's what you're hoping for and, as a reminder, food for thought, expectations lead to upset.

Speaker 1:

So what I'm also going to say is this does not mean you need to move forward with every man you encounter or every person you encounter, and it does not give them a free hall pass when disrespect or dishonor is happening. I'm simply pointing out why do we make people monsters or we make men monsters when our timeline of that need to quote unquote be in a relationship, feels thwarted by the process and the journey of dating to a committed relationship? Do you get what I'm saying? Like I feel what I started to recognize as I was processing all this and recognizing even for myself, is that, women, we have this timeline. We have like this you know we've been dating for X amount of months or we're dating for X amount of years and so it should be this way, we should be in this place, right, and so when our timeline is thwarted by, maybe, where somebody isn't at yet or not showing up the way we want them to yet Remember, I'm saying the way we want them to and not really allowing them to just show up as who they are. But when we get in our way and we feel that that process or that journey is thwarted, we begin to point outside and say, oh, they need to do their work, or da-da-da-da, it's out there. We begin to point outside and say, oh, they need to do their work, or da da, da da, it's out there, it's out there, it's out there. Rather than create this narrative that he or she is less than or beneath us because we believe they haven't done their work.

Speaker 1:

What if that person is just as much your equal, simply healing in other parts of their life that are not yet matching the areas in which you've already healed? What if? And what that brings up is how divine the connection actually is, as in what can you each offer each other in the journey of healing through love and curiosity? A dear friend of mine reached out to me today and we were talking about this subject and she was talking about how, when talking with her therapist you know her therapist had mentioned. You know, healing comes through love. Healing comes through love. So these relationships that we get ourselves into, the healing is in those journeys. Yes, there's healing when you're single and alone, but also, like you do that, healing when you're alone. And guess what? You take those tools once you get into a loving, romantic situation and the rubber meets the road. Right, that's when the rubber meets the road.

Speaker 1:

I'm in a current situation, right now that you know I have met somebody and there are things coming up and I don't necessarily look at it from like he needs to do his work. I look at it from what's coming up for me that I'm feeling woo, this is like scary. But he also has things coming up for him that are scary and together we're navigating that through communication and I'm not seeing him as a monster. I have to really process what's coming up for me in these moments, as does he, and together we're growing. Now, whether or not we continue the relationship, that's yet to be discovered, but at the moment it's an exploration. Right, it's an exploration.

Speaker 1:

I want to share a little bit about my experience with dating, because I have been dating a long time and I have really grown in the area of dating and that's the one thing I love about online dating is the availability for yourself to grow. You get to find out who you really are, what you really desire, what you don't want. You find out who you are really emotionally and spiritually. You learn to build better boundaries, and you also will meet so many incredible people along the way as well, as you'll meet some very interesting people that you're like incredible people along the way as well, as you'll meet some very interesting people that you're like that's an interesting person, you know, because it's it's a journey, and I I could say too that I've met a lot of amazing people and I, at one point, would say a lot that, oh, that person hasn't done their work. Yeah, I've said it.

Speaker 1:

I've also said that the apps were full of serial daters. I've also said that men on the apps are a mess. I've also said that men my age, my age bracket aren't ready for something real. I've also said that the dating apps have made dating disposable. I've said so many things myself when I have been discouraged and fed up with the journey, and I've also said that I'm resigned. I've said that I have compassion fatigue. I've also said I'm never going to go on those dating apps again.

Speaker 1:

I've said all those things and that's why this narrative that keeps coming up is very interesting, because initially, when I would hear it, it wouldn't really bother me, but lately, like in the last year, it's been really bothering me, because I'm like why are we making men the enemy? This is a journey. And then I had to start looking at all of the words that were coming out of my mouth, all of the words that were coming out of my mouth. As a matter of fact, as I was recording this, I had a dear friend call me, and he's somebody who I met on the apps and we're really good friends and there's so much love between the two of us Like we have an incredible friendship that throughout the last several years of us knowing each other, it's had its ebbs and its flows of how would I say? It's gone through several phases, from first dating to then not dating, to then dating, then not dating, but then to finally find our place as friends. And what am I going to say about that?

Speaker 1:

The one example I'd love to use from that particular relationship is that when I would talk to some of my friends about the experiences I went through with him. They would talk about how he wasn't doing his work, when in fact he very much was doing his work, and so was I, but it goes back to that point of the work he was working on was areas I had already been healed, and the work I was having to work on were areas that I wasn't healed and, as a result, he became one of my greatest teachers, and he it's not even him per se. It's the experience that we had allowed me to really move through a lot of unhealed aspects of my anxious attachment. That's what it was, and I had to really look at myself on so many levels. And the beauty is is that the two of us have always held space for one another and we keep showing up for one another and our new, our new um, the new phase we're in is friendship and we're now able to talk about this past that we had, of this back and forth, and you know the anxious, avoidant detachment, because that's really what brought us together.

Speaker 1:

And I look at us now and I can say that was a healing journey, and many of you that have followed me for a while, healing adventures is what I claim in this life Like. It's a healing adventure. It's a healing journey. You know, every aspect of your life is this beautiful adventure to be unfolded and discovered. And so I'm, I feel honored to have the kind of journey I've had with this man and to now look at him and just be like, wow, look at who we are today, look where we are now, and it no words to express the connection that there is with this person and I. There's no words to express it. There's love, it's just love. Just love is present, just love. That's it. There's love, there's so much love, present, so much, and it's beautiful, right?

Speaker 1:

You know, I was also talking with a dear friend today that they were talking with because these are about the autistic savants and the children they were talking with. This child was saying how he wishes everybody spoke telepathically because he felt that words were so limiting. And they are. Words become this construct of limitation, right, and in the telepathic world, and telepathy has been coming online for me a little bit. I can't do it on command, but it's been happening and, as you know, many of you might know, I'm very intuitive, so I have lots of gifts, but that's one that's been coming online for me. There's no words to express the expression or the energy of love, like love, love. If we could tune in to that feeling, that limitless space of love on the planet, like God, if everybody tuned into that, like one minute a day, it would, it would change. It would change the world, it would change the world.

Speaker 1:

But what I was, what I was wanting to really point out is I was asking my friend, my dear friend, who has watched the journey of me and this other friend, you know, I was asking her like huh, what was it that allowed me to get to where I am today in that relationship? And it's courage. It's courage, the courage to hold space, the courage to be curious, the courage to not shut somebody out simply because you're both moving through different places in your life, and the courage to be open and just love with no judgment. I'm not saying I didn't have judgment. When I moved through the various spaces of healing my attachments through that relationship Absolutely had judgments, absolutely had breakdowns, absolutely had all the range of emotions, and every time I would be triggered into whatever state it was.

Speaker 1:

I had to keep pointing that finger back at me and look at my own behaviors, my own actions, my own triggers, my heart, what was happening within me and that takes courage, because those spaces are so uncomfortable, so uncomfortable, and so when it gets right down to it, you know you really have to stop, take stock and look at yourself and reflect with every interaction, why is that happening for you? Why is that happening for you? And then you begin to see how these people are simply showing up for your own growth in your own journey, and some of them meeting you in ways while others not meeting you in other ways. That's fine, and really, some men that I've met I haven't been where they were emotionally and they called me forth to grow, while I called others forth to grow. Right, and so it's. It's this beautiful thing, it's, you know, I, I don't know, I don't.

Speaker 1:

What I want to say is I want to challenge those that believe this notion that that person across from you needs to do their work. And I'm not saying they maybe don't, maybe they do, but remember, they're showing up as a contrast to where you've come, to where you've grown, to who you've become, and what is it that you can provide them? Why do we have to just turn it off and walk away with spit and venom and say you have to do your work, instead of just saying you know what, we're not in the same place. I honor where you are and I love who I am and I honor and love the space you're at and I can disconnect. You know and I'm not saying that those are the words you use with them, right, some people would be like what the fuck? That's weird.

Speaker 1:

But you know, what I'm saying is that you look at the situation and you really get down to the nuts and bolts of is this a relationship I want to explore more of? Is there enough good components here where these pieces that might be feeling uncomfortable are worth working through? If not, then you set these people free, you and them, in honor and love and graciousness. But if it is worth going in and diving in and seeing what's there, then it's worth it. Right, it's worth it. And it isn't so much about that person needing to do their work. It's about where am I, where are they? What are we reflecting to one another? What areas can I work on?

Speaker 1:

And you know it really is about each individual person doing their work, and when you do your work, the world will begin to reflect that work, if it's not reflecting it today, I want you to remember the vortex of energy. You have to build up that momentum to then start having those people show up inside of where you really are. And just remember that those that are no longer where you're at, you can sift through them, you can sort through them, you can move past them and say, okay, you know what? I'm actually not where they are anymore, I'm not there. It isn't about they're not there, it isn't about they need to meet you, it's about I'm not there anymore. I actually used to be there, I used to be right where they are. Wow, I've really grown. Look how far I've come. Holy holy, like holy cow. That's what I want to challenge.

Speaker 1:

Turn off that narrative that it's something wrong with them and turn on the narrative that, hey, thank you so much for showing me where I've grown, where I haven't grown, how far I've come and maybe how much further I have to go, because I'm going to say any person who says that comment of they need to show up where I am. That's a cue for you to recognize. You have work to do, because you can't provide love and grace for where that person is, and so the work that needs to be done for you is how do you find love and grace with the world outside that just feels chaotic and so filled with hate? Like, don't become that hate, don't become that. Okay, I feel like I'm on a soapbox, so I'm going to stop and, just, you know, allow some of the things I've said to just sink in. I, I'm curious, had to just sink in. I'm curious.

Speaker 1:

Those of you who understand the narrative, or those of you who are aware of the narrative that I'm talking about, I would love to hear your feedback. I would love, for those of you who are listening, what has this provided you? Was it good food for thought? What has this provided you? Was it good food for thought? What will you now consider when you're out there listening to some of these narratives on social media? Remember to always ask yourself why is this happening? For me, there's always going to be a trend in these narratives on social media.

Speaker 1:

I went through a big trend of narcissist, sociopathic things all the time. You know. Now it's the, you know, men need to do their work and all this shit. You know, and it's always, there's always some algorithm of a narrative and I always set. I step back and ask myself that's interesting, what's really happening here? What's really being said here? Who do I need to be if this narrative keeps showing up? Is it something? Am I that narrative or what am I to learn in that space? So that's what I invite all of you just to take stock and be curious about other people. Be curious about where they are. Give them grace Because, hey, when you're not where somebody is, you hope to God they give you grace. Right, it's grace and allowance. It really is Like. Let's allow people to be and let's step into the space of love. I also want to remind you real quick on July 20th I have a 90 minute heart healing workshop. It will be on Zoom. I will put the links below Again, and to those of you listening, especially if you're single, this is a great opportunity to come, to just be in the space of love and to really dive deep and look at what are the blocks standing in my way from allowing my heart to really be its full expression of self, its full expression of love.

Speaker 1:

You know you want to have an amazing relationship, or you want to have a shift inside of the dating realm, or a shift in your romantic relationships, or a shift in just relationships in general, in your romantic relationships or a shift in just relationships in general. This is a great opportunity because we are going to dive in, we're going to clear some blocks, we're going to clear familial lineages and paradigms, we're going to clear old conversations and we're going to reset, reboot and reset, reboot the heart such that you can go out and create this new shift in this new paradigm of feeling, thinking, being, all those things. So I will put the link below in the show notes. I just want to thank all of you for sticking out this conversation with me. I look forward to hearing from those of you.

Speaker 1:

If you liked what you heard on this show or you feel that you know somebody who needs to hear this, please do share it. Like it, it helps the show move. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode and have a beautiful and blessed day. Thank you for coming on this healing adventure today. If you're starting to see how everything is falling into place for you, consider rating the show and sharing it with one of your friends. Keep that spirit alive and join me next week. Same place, same time. Have a great week.