56: Why You Stay in Relationships That Hurt (And Call It Love) | Trauma Bonds Explained | Case Erickson

What is a situationship, really—and why do so many of us stay in almost-love far longer than we should?

In this honest and powerful episode of Rooted & Rising, Tara Mychelle sits down with author and speaker Case Erickson for a raw conversation about situationships, trauma bonds, self-worth, attachment patterns, emotional safety, and the courage to choose yourself.

Together, they unpack the painful space between connection and commitment—the kind of relationship where feelings are real, chemistry is real, but clarity, accountability, and security never fully arrive. Tara and Case explore how anxious attachment, avoidant behavior, codependency, childhood wounds, and fear of abandonment can keep us stuck in relationships that feel meaningful but remain misaligned.

This episode is for anyone who has ever felt almost chosen, almost loved, almost committed to, and is ready to stop abandoning themselves for half-love.

Inside this conversation:

• What a situationship really is
• The difference between love and a trauma bond
• Why almost-relationships are so hard to leave
• How avoidant and anxious dynamics keep people stuck
• What it means to choose yourself without shutting down love
• How self-respect changes your standards in dating, work, and life
• Why healing your inner world changes what you accept outside of you

Case also shares pieces of his personal story, including relationship patterns, self-reclamation, and the moment he realized staying any longer would require abandoning himself.

And before the episode begins, Tara shares a message about her guide, Fuck Almost: Your Guide to Being Fully Chosen in Love and Self-Worth—created for anyone ready to break the cycle of almost relationships and reconnect with their value, worth, and sovereignty.

If you’ve been stuck in a situationship, trauma bond, or emotionally unavailable relationship, this episode will meet you there.

Listen now, and take one step closer to being fully chosen—starting with choosing yourself.

Transcript

Why Situationships Hurt So Much

SPEAKER_06 0:00

Before we jump into today's episode, I want to talk about something that so many people are quietly living through right now. Situationships. You know that space where you're almost chosen, almost in relationship, almost building a future, but almost, quote unquote, keeps stretching into months, sometimes years. If you've ever felt stuck in that place, questioning your worth, wondering why someone can't fully choose you, I created something for you. It's called Fuck Almost, Your Guide to Being Fully Chosen in Love and Self-Worth. This guide walks you through how to recognize the patterns that keep you in that almost relationship cycle and how to reconnect to your own value, your own worth and sovereignty, and how to stop settling for half-love and really fully owning and stepping into what you fully deserve. You can find it in the show notes. And all right, now we're gonna actually get into this conversation because I have a fantastic guest today, and here we go. Welcome to Rooted in Rising. I'm your host, Tara Michelle, intuitive guide, storyteller, and fellow traveler on this wild path of becoming. This is a space for the soul led, for the ones unraveling old stories tending to their healing and rising, not perfectly, but powerfully into who they are here to be. Here we explore what it means to live with intention, to love with depth, and to trust that even the hard things are shaping us. I'll share pieces of my own journey, the cracks, the beauty, the breakthroughs, and invite voices who are walking this path too. Because I believe life isn't happening to us, it's happening for us. So come as you are, root in and rise up. And thank you. Truly thank you for being here. Welcome back to Rooted in Rising Elm, Tara Michelle. I'm so excited to have you back in the space with us today where we get honest about growth, healing, relationships, and the moments in life that ask us to step deeper into our truth. If you're new here, welcome. I'm so glad you found your way to the show. And if you've been listening for a while, thank you for continuing to come back and grow alongside this community. Uh every week we explore experiences that shape us. I feel that's really important, and the ones that root us deeper into who we are, and the ones that help us rise into who we are becoming. And today we're diving into a really fun topic that touches a lot of our lives. A lot of us uh midlife folks who are not quite in relationships, we're in what's called a situationship, those almost relationships where feelings are real, the connection is real, but clarity and commitment somehow never fully arrive. And today's guest, I'm very excited to have him with us today. It's we're actually going to have a very powerful conversation and perspective around this particular topic. Today I'm joined with Case Erickson. He is an author, speaker, and someone who helps mission-driven creators step out of whatever closet is holding them back so they can bring their most authentic selves and projects into the world. Case spent decades performing for approval. Does that sound familiar to anybody? Like so many of us performing for approval. But from building multimillion dollar restaurants to appearing on reality TV and even navigating relationships, he believed would last forever. But after losing everything he thought defined his success, he found something far more meaningful. The freedom that comes from choosing himself and living in truth. His first book, coming out by going in, The Freedom to Be Yourself, explores authentic self-expression and healing deep personal wounds. And he's currently writing a second book, It Ended on a Monday, which chronicles his journey from loneliness to homelessness to reconciliation with himself and love. Case is a father, a nature lover, a yogi, and someone deeply committed to authenticity and personal truth. And today we're talking about relationships, self-worth, and what it really means to stop settling for almost. So let's dive in. But welcome to the show. Yes. I'm so excited to see you.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Thank you for having me, love. This is so exciting. And I know it is. Our conversations are just so delicious and yummy and good. So that's when we reconnected the other week. I was like, wait, we need to record this need before we go. Let's just catch up. We got to do the whole because this is some good. This is some good shit.

SPEAKER_06 4:34

Yeah, it really is.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

And I mean, who doesn't like talking about trauma bonds and situationships? I mean, hey.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Give me my coffee and let's go.

SPEAKER_06 4:44

Right. I'm like, I got my tea. I'm ready to roll. Yeah. I feel like I've become a master at those types of relationships. I do believe I've graduated and maybe well, yes, I have graduated in a graduated.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Let's sit on that. Like, graduated myself. I graduated myself.

SPEAKER_06 5:04

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Pardon my language. Are we allowed to drop the F bomb?

SPEAKER_06 5:07

Is that oh fuck, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Be yourself.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

I graduated myself on fucking Monday.

SPEAKER_06 5:14

Oh, Monday. That's fresh.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Like I was in uh, but we broke up three years over three years ago. I have been into yo-yo back and forth. Whoo! Trauma drama. It's yeah. Since I mean, for three years. I've known him for four years, and kind of we became intimate five over five years ago. And so it ended on Monday so deeply that I'm like, my second book is going to be called It Ended on a Monday.

SPEAKER_06 5:49

I love that. And we need a song It Ended on a Monday.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

It ended on a Monday.

SPEAKER_06 5:55

Not a manic Monday.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

My working subtitle right now is which I'm not 100% on the subtitle, uh, is um A Journey from Loneliness to Love.

SPEAKER_05 6:08

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Because what it's really about is, and I know you and I talked about Tales of a Gay Masseuse. Yes, yes. It's going to be a section. It's not, I I thought about it, and it's like this doesn't capture the whole thing because my first I the second book is going to pick up where my first book left off. So my first book led up to you know coming out by going in, the freedom that that basically ran up to COVID.

SPEAKER_06 6:34

Do you know I remember I remember when we met way back, you know, that was probably nine years ago when we met at the seminar. Yeah, so so almost 11 years, 10 years, yeah. And I remember you talking about all that and coming out and getting divorced from your your wife at the time and your kids. And I mean, that in itself, that's a whole nother episode, right?

What A Situationship Really Is

SPEAKER_01 7:04

That's a that's a that's a beautiful there's a connection to anybody who's in the relationship space who has not chosen themselves, right? They haven't they haven't graduated themselves, they they haven't fully um reconciled themselves to themselves, which is what I got to do on account of my last relationship situation. It was like a glorified situation ship, you know. I don't it kind of checked off all the boxes from the from uh on a trauma bond level, and we did love each other, and that's what makes it confusing AF. I think everybody yes well staying the thing as long as you stay in the thing.

SPEAKER_06 7:46

So let's go back, let's talk about in your term, what is a situation chip?

SPEAKER_01 7:53

Just uh anything that you're in that is void of the commitment level that is required to provide the space for safety and security.

SPEAKER_06 8:04

100%.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

That's it.

SPEAKER_06 8:05

100%.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

And I find that that's commitment, the structure, the structure of commitment, the structure of accountability. This is what I bring, this is working.

SPEAKER_06 8:13

Accountability, commitment, yes, and I feel that part of why this is my thought. Part of why this has become such a thing is I feel that online dating allows for it. It allows for people to not have to be committed, they don't have to be accountable, and there's always 15 other people that they can go talk to during the during your date or right after your date. So there's this thing of like not really needing to, I don't I don't really need to show up for you. And I think also it allows, and here uh I'm gonna I'm gonna say this, everybody. For those of you listening, I am not saying online dating is bad because I believe that online dating is a phenomenal place for you to learn about who you are, what you want, what you don't want, what you won't settle for, what you do settle for. And it's also an opportunity to have a lot of fun and learn how to date. Now, when, and you also get to learn about all kinds of people. Like you get to have like it's a candy shop, you get to try the tall ones, the short ones, the funny ones, the weird ones, the sexy ones, the not so sexy ones, like whatever. Like it's it's this huge smorgasborg of people that you you get to go explore and learn about and have fun. And I think there's, you know, I think you could do a zillion episodes on how to manage and navigate online dating, but I do believe it has also created this layer of situationships where nobody has to be accountable to shit, you know, and and it allows people to hide out and not have to deal with themselves, which would then cause them to show up and be accountable and committed. Because you can hide out, you just don't have to ever go past those uncomfortable spaces of what it means to show up in relationship, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:14

And if you got a hider on your hands, they're gonna be a hider. Yes, no matter online, like yes, the the deluge of inventory online precludes one who has commitment issues to be very unlikely to commit. Yes, and if someone is not going to commit and they're a hider and they're a runaway, like online or not, does not matter, like they exist.

SPEAKER_06 10:42

They exist.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

And so that was my experience. I didn't, we didn't, we met in real life, right?

SPEAKER_06 10:48

Which I love that you met in the wild because that's a whole that's a whole nother episode. How do you meet people in the wild? That's all you know, because there are lots of people that choose no longer to to approach people in the wild because they've got online or they're like, I love I love the approach in the wild.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

I'm not anti, I'm not anti-online because, like you said, it is a very effective way. As a as a former entrepreneur, I used to run restaurants and things like that. So I see the value and the efficiency in online. Like you can screen people, not just on you know, physical, like that's a whole thing that's unfortunate that it gets done that much. Yes, yes, core values, you know. Like my my things are, you know, chemistry that I look for in particular in a person, just friend or otherwise, chemistry, comic relief, and core value alignment. Yes, those are my three C's, right?

SPEAKER_06 11:42

Same, same, yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Core value alignment is its its whole thing.

SPEAKER_06 11:46

That's a whole other section because there's a lot involved in that.

Online Dating And Avoidant Hiding

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Here's what I'm like what I'm noticing for myself in my own journey of okay, where can I step more fully into myself and make myself available to myself so that I no longer attract the unavailable? Right. Right. And so I noticed in my own journey all these, you know, love layers of unavailability interwoven with layers of inauthenticity. So, you know, me being more predominantly gay than straight, I had a wife for 14 years and did the whole religious trauma, like, you know, because had the spiritual abuse and religious trauma that said, Oh, I can't be gay or I can't do this, I gotta have a wife and kids and that whole thing. And if I don't, then I'm gonna get punished by invisible sky grandpa. Yes, right. I have like unpacked a lot of that, unpacked the God wound, the father wound. That's what a lot of my first book was about, coming out just of whatever closets of fear, shame, judgment, all that. Um, and in the background, regardless of the orientation mismatch, we had she and I had a covert narcissist and empath dynamic. And so, you know, it's like I say, Oh, I have an ex-wife and an almost husband. Like he and I were uh engaged for a minute. Um and so my ex-wife was a lot like my dad, and my ex-almost husband was a lot like my mom. So, like energetically. And so this is why I'm like, well, all roads lead to me, I'm done, right? And then but the the thing is around you know, this this reconciling myself to myself, understanding the ways in which I attracted kind of well on paper, my ex-fiance dude is literally nothing like my ex-wife. Not a not not just nothing. However, he has all the hallmark hallmarks of a dismissive avoidant, the pattern. So, what I noticed was a similarity in the pattern for myself and how I showed up as the empath with the covert narcissist, and how I showed up as the anxiously attached slash empath with the dismissive avoidant. Yes, and so I got to learn all the little cycles and the circles, and then like finally got to the point on Monday where it was like he said what he said that he needed to keep his options open, or he wanted to keep his options open. And I'm just like, okay, this is what we're talking about here, whether it's online, whether it's a situationship, whether it's whatever, uh a fear of commitment or whatever, someone is doing whatever it is they're doing, and then they're communicating to me, and then I get to decide if I'm gonna stay in that thing.

SPEAKER_08 14:45

You have to choose, yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

I understood in that moment more powerfully than I've ever understood up until then. I felt it in my body terror that to stay any longer in the thing that I was in, the way that it was, would require me abandoning myself. 100%, which was no longer acceptable for me to do.

SPEAKER_06 15:10

So I want to jump in.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Literally the next day is when I read your post about uh fuck almost or whatever, where it was almost using ourselves, and I'm like, Yeah, so yeah, it so a couple things.

SPEAKER_06 15:28

I want to go back because this is something I used to joke about, but serious with coaching clients that I had in the past around relationship, and I would point blank ask them are you sleeping with your mom or are you sleeping with your dad? Or you or are you sleeping with a version of both of them? Because literally, those of you listening, you can go back and look at you can look at your current partner right now, or any of the partners that you've had in the past, and I guarantee you they're one or the other or combined.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_06 15:59

And when they're one of the other or combined, it this goes back to that soul perspective. You know, your soul chose to learn specific things in this lifetime. You chose your parents. You don't have to believe that, but I'm just gonna throw it out there. It's what I believe. You chose your parents to provide you the very things you needed to earn or gain the tools you said you wanted to come in this lifetime and learn. And guess what? When you roll over and look at the person in bed with you, they are one of those people. And and there are things about our levels of self-worth. And I love that you mentioned this about the anxious avoid or the anxious and the avoidant attachment. Same thing. And I feel that situationships are very much that. And as I'm listening to you speak, and this is where I bring in the spiritual piece because I'll get these weird downloads, but I'm like, it's almost like this is the season for those types of relationships because they're forcing people to get with themselves, they're forcing people to own their own self-worth at a whole new level. And and not like, I don't want people to hear like, oh, go own your own self-worth and just like fuck everybody else, and it's you in the world, and you be in the world, and you don't need anybody else. This isn't about you not needing anybody else because I am not about that either. I really am for partnership, yeah, but partnership on a healthy level that we weren't taught in our Gen X world, right? We came from a bunch of avoidant and dismissive parents.

unknown 17:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

So and I to that note, I will say I had a trauma response of hyperindependence, yes, which precluded me from the joys and the beauty and the love of a healthy interdependence.

SPEAKER_06 17:45

100%. I have been hyper-independent for fucking, I don't know, there's evidence 35 years.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

There's evidence for that, and there is a beauty in that and a beautiful, like a season of solitude and healing and other things. Yes, but as a way of life, I believe I'm selling myself short if if I'm not uh leaving myself open to a relate, a healthy relationship. Which I think comes back to learning. That interdependence that we as humans, so uh you know, this is why I love that you and I are talking because I'm I put myself on that interdependence frequency channel, right? Like you and I are not romantically involved, and we are we are this is what we're doing. We're putting ourselves in that space on that channel. This is what we are attracting, I'm attracting, you're attracting. It's like, oh yeah, someone who's done the work, who's who's done enough of the work to know they're not gonna repeat their shit.

Repeating Family Patterns In Love

SPEAKER_06 18:46

Yes, and and if and when you do, I don't want anybody to beat themselves up because it just means there's more juice in it that you are seeking to learn. And because here's the thing, and I'll go back to my own situationship that I walked away from in I think it was November, October, maybe October, November, as done. And we've been doing this back and forth thing for fuck, excuse my language, two and a half years or some shit. And he lives down the street from me. It's amazing, it's so amazing. But the truth is, like you were saying, there's love there. Love is present. There was a connection, there was a space of I'd like to think it was safety. Really, it wasn't safety as much as it was um a deep level of comfort and understanding of each other's traumas and the traumas being attracted to each other, and the traumas like lighting that intensity fire. And when I look back, all and and what I ended up learning more about this person is there was um activated behaviors that I didn't I didn't quite see until later. And when I saw that's when I was like, oh hell no. Like I've already been trying to walk away from this shit, but I'm really walking away from this shit. Because all it was was um a recreation of my childhood with my mother. And um, and sorry, and my mom is still here, and God love her and God help us both because we it it's still a very tough relationship. But I think um yeah, but uh, you know, it's where I think I lost my track. But anyhow, those those types of relationships I think are wildly important. And sorry if I lost my train, y'all, but they're wildly important because they they show you how to really learn the truth of who you are, and they show you the truth of who you are, but they also really get you to the levels of do you really love yourself? Like, really, do you love yourself enough to stand and root for, like root in and say, No more will I be available for anything less than the highest of what I deserve? Or will I keep stepping down into these behaviors and these patterns that are familiar from my childhood and whatever abuse and whatever? And and but but it's almost like you have to even learn that that's where that intense connection that we call passion and love and we must be soulmates and need to be together forever. We have to learn that that's not what that is. Right. It's it's these trauma bonds that are like a whole nother fucking thing, and and that's sometimes hard to walk away from. And I think that goes back to my point. Don't beat yourself up if you can't walk away. Just don't. Um because those relationships are hard to pull apart, they're not easy. Because there and because there's love there.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Because there's love there, and what is required. I want to say two things to that point. What is required to walk away is a willingness to kill the hope that it will be different than it already is. That the hope is, oh, they'll change, oh, this, oh, just one more, oh, just da-da-da. That hope. And I mean, God loves the concept of hope. And so what it takes to literally kill the hope, like you're walking away. And then, like, combined with a little bit of like omitting, you know, a feeling like a failure if you walk away. But like, what I've learned and understood is like just because I failed at a relationship does not mean I failed at love. In actuality, I succeeded at love if I made it mean that I reconciled myself to myself. One of the other things that you said about truth that popped up for me, because the other um subtitle I'm playing with for It Ended On Monday was When the Truth Broke the Spell and I chose Myself. Because what happened was, you know, he told me, he told me the truth. He told me that, you know, he wanted to keep his options open that he was seeing someone the next day. And if anything happened between them, he what he wasn't gonna tell me because he didn't want to betray that other person. So I just felt very clear in that moment that I was number two and that doesn't work for me. Um period. But like, and and it was his truth that did that. So I it wasn't like he did anything wrong. I you know what I'm saying? So like getting to the point, and so this is why it's like uh it's it's it is love, I feel like the true, true, true love that sometimes lets go, right? And like it's okay to learn that because it's it's okay to learn what we needed to learn and relate to each person as a teacher. Yes, and it doesn't mean it's it's it's a very delicate balance between I'm not gonna throw you away and I'm gonna do the work and I'm we're gonna do, but this kind of goes to what we were talking about in the very beginning of having that understanding of commitment and security and safety to have a you know, uh not just a romantic interest, but like a workmate. I don't know, like you know, like all relationships are gonna get to that point, usually three to six months, somewhere in there. Yes, people start bumping up against their thing. The truth, yep. And either they're gonna work. I was just talking to a friend today about it. They're either gonna work through that thing with a person they have, yep, or leave and work through that, get to the same edge with someone else, and walk away each time, and walk away.

SPEAKER_06 24:47

And and so so you you have people that get to that edge, and that's as far as they're they're willing to go, right? Yeah, there and and and again, we're speaking generally, y'all. We're speaking generally because there are people in the world that are dismissive avoidance or whatever avoidance, as well as anxious, attached, whatever, and they are very committed to each other and they're very committed to healing those wounds.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Right.

Trauma Bonds And Killing False Hope

SPEAKER_06 25:13

But you have a lot of people who get to the edge and they walk away. And I'll say that I have been to the edge many times and I've walked away. You know, um it's interesting because you talk about that whole piece, you know. I had to see for myself, well, why did I keep choosing these relationships? There was a safety in them. There was a safety because, and and this goes back to what you pointed out earlier, because then I wouldn't have to really fully commit because then that's really vulnerable if I really put my swords down and my heart 100%, and I allow you to step in what's called my safety zone, and nobody getting in that fucking safety zone. That's where I was. Like nobody's getting in that safe zone. And so there was this element of, you know, I know these patterns, I know these relationships, this is a safe pattern for me. And that wasn't a conscious be uh belief in my mind. It was something that I had to recognize like, holy fuck, I just feel safe in this bullshit relationship. Like I just feel safe in this, but this isn't what I want. And and why I'm bringing this up is because we have to get to a world of safety within, where there's nothing outside of you that's gonna have you feel safe except for you. That job with the six-figure pay, people like, well, I'll feel safe then, or I'll feel safe when I have a job, or I'll feel safe when I have a partner, or I'll feel safe when I have a dog, I'll feel safe whenever it's like, no, you have to feel safe right now, standing nude in the world, yeah, and know that nothing's gonna happen to you. Nothing. And and and the thing is that doesn't that that I'm not saying because bad shit happens in the world, people. You could be in the wrong place at the wrong time. That happens, but even when that happens, that's just your physical self, yeah, the soul is always safe, and there's something about what I've been really diving into is you know, the the the kingdom of heaven is within me. And what does that mean? And you had mentioned the sky god, right? Like we have this thing where everything is outside of us. No, it's inside, it's inside. So now the practice is how do I become wildly safe within myself, that I trust myself, that I love myself at the core. And when that shift happens, like what you saw the other day, when you're like, uh-uh, that's that's when you stop all the bullshit. That's when you stop allowing people to treat you less than you deserve.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

Right.

SPEAKER_06 27:53

But it takes it takes something to get there.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Right. And that's that's the part that I'm really grateful that you and I are speaking because for years I kept showing up. And sometimes this is it's a success marker to do the thing, even though dot dot dot, right? Even though I don't feel a hundred percent safe. I'm gonna show up, I'm gonna do my gratitude practice, I'm gonna go to yoga, I'm gonna stay sober, I'm gonna, you know, the things that I do and have done, a lot of times just the action alone dissipates the false, uh, you know, they say fear is false evidence appearing real. Real dissipate the action alone dissipates it. Um, but it's it's real to be in the to be in the thing, to love the person deeply, to know that they they also love you. Like that's that is the confusion. So, you know, there there's a big season of confusion that leads to the that that eventually gets to the clarity. And you know, I would just like to speak to anybody who's adding any layer of judgment or shame to themselves for loving something they or someone or staying in something that they know deep down is not their thing. It's scary to leave the thing that you know isn't your thing, and there's nothing wrong with being scared. So, again, it's just coming back to how can I love myself? How can I comfort myself? How can I take care of myself? How can I do these things and just trust because a lot of the you know, the our time together when I saw him on Monday leading up to that point, it was beautiful, right? He and I first became intimate because after I, you know, lost my house and I was hustling for work, I was like, who needs a massage? Anyone needs a massage? I jokingly call it unlicensed touch. I'm not an LMT, but I'm like, who need like I'm a hustler, right? So I was giving massage, I was walking dogs, I was watching houses, I was, you know, you know, coaching clients, consulting clients, and it was because all my festival stuff had went away after COVID. And then it was like I just got myself into this cycle cycle, and again, like you said, we needed to learn what we needed to learn. Yeah, and so there was always this component with him and me where it was like this genuine thing where I wanted to take care of him and he wanted to take care of me. That was true. Like, I'm touch is a love language of mine, like, and he's you know, a few years down the road from me, 20. Um, but like this sincere part of me, like that likes to take care of someone, but there's a distinction between we're taking care of each other and we are each other's caretakers. And so I've learned a lot about codependency. I'm uh you know, codependency fan.

SPEAKER_06 30:54

Well, codependency and anxious behavior basically hand in hand the same thing, it's the same. And so the the the dismissive avoidant or the avoidant is the addict and the anxious is the codependent. Like it's you know, whatever labels we want to give it, right? It's just the new label, just like situationships is the new label. Here's something, okay. I want to ask you. Um, the moment you started accepting almost or almost committed, almost consistent, almost choosing you, you've already made a decision. So when when do you think you made a decision and why? Like, why okay? First, why when you look back at who you were, why were you choosing almost, like for real?

SPEAKER_01 31:43

I didn't believe I was worthy of having it all.

SPEAKER_06 31:47

And what was the moment that changed? When did you like when you felt it in your body? Because you mentioned you felt it, like what was that shift? Say more about that.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

It just was like, I'm this isn't, this isn't I I knew that nothing was going to change. A B, I knew where I stood in in his life. Like I knew that even though, like, it's fine. Look, like you can love all the people, but you if you're gonna have a primary person, it needs to be clear that you are each other's primary person.

SPEAKER_06 32:24

So okay, some something I talk about a lot on this on this show is life is happening for you. What type of mirror was he for you that you finally like the light bulb finally went off in you and you were like, Whoa, I just woke up. What the fuck? I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

Well, because he also, after, you know, there was a big after the engagement, right? There was a big brew ha ha over on New Year's Eve plans, and he chose to do hang out with another like he broke his word pretty much, chose to hang out with his roommate instead of me. And it was like it was a deal breaker for me. So I I broke up with him. So to his credit, I from his perspective, I was the one who couldn't commit. I was the one who kept breaking up, I was the one who was one foot in and one foot out.

SPEAKER_06 33:16

So that was his perspective of you?

Building Inner Safety And Self-Trust

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yes. That is the reason he used to choose himself, which is kind of gaslighting. Sorry. There was a lot of gaslighting, which goes into the dynamic of a of an dismissive avoidant. It's very similar to a covert narcissist. Yes. So okay, so I said to answer your question about the mirror, I I put myself into a lot of anguish and pain keeping myself in a thing where I didn't feel chosen. And he would come back and be like, I'm just choosing myself. I'm just choosing myself. I'm just choosing myself. You taught me so much, and blah, blah, blah. And then I'm like, you know what? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I now choose myself. Thank you for showing me.

SPEAKER_06 34:06

Yes, the mirror. The mirror. Yeah. And I think that's the hardest part, right? Um, when I look back at my situationship, he's an incredible teacher.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 34:21

And I had a really hard time. Like he's he's never changed who he was. He was very consistent in his behavior all the time. I was the one making all the excuses. I was the one giving him space, being patient. All the while in the background, there was this like, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope. And it goes right back to what you say. I had the same thing where I didn't really fully believe that I was worth having everything I desire.

SPEAKER_01 34:51

Like that was really told we can't have it all. Oh, you gotta struggle. Oh, struggle is a way of life, you gotta suffer. You gotta, I mean, all these limiting beliefs.

SPEAKER_06 34:59

Yes. My my most recent one that I really got to the source of, which I was like, holy hell, was you know, back when you were little, and parents would say, You don't deserve that, you don't deserve that. I'm not, oh yeah, I'm not gonna get that for you. You don't deserve that. Oh, or I'd have things, you don't deserve that. You think you deserve that? Should you have that? And so I was like, Wow.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

Mine was heaven is later, heaven is later, right? It was a combination of, and I grew I hit puberty in the height of the AIDS crisis. As a kid who is starting to get little crushes on the other boys in his class, yes, wow, feeling like I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna either get sent to hell, yes, or best case scenario, and or I could, you know, and more than likely I was gonna get AIDS along the way.

SPEAKER_06 35:55

Yeah, all this condemnation.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

I under the construct of heaven and hell being literal after life places. So if someone wants to believe that, more power to them. But the notion of kingdom of heaven being within was not talked about with me. And you know, I've since unpacked, you know, one of the beautiful since we're I'm just gonna tell you this one little nugget of of truth that I've you know reframed a lot of my religious trauma to the you know, the crucifixion, right? There we've this we have this Christ character in the middle and two thieves on each side of him, right? So for me, the Christ character, the Christ, I call myself a spiritual atheist, um, but I read my Bible every day still as well. So I'm a I'm a walking contradiction, uh, international man of mystery.

SPEAKER_06 36:44

I just like to say you're human and you're having all the experiences and yeah, like why should we like box it into like, oh, you're this or you're that?

SPEAKER_01 36:53

So Christ to me now, Christ consciousness is at center, yes, coming back to the center, yes, the ground, the you know, and and remembering what Christ said that day, like um, you will meet me in paradise today, right? This beauty of the present moment also being our eternal life, you know, it only is ever now in eternity forever now. So to me, those thieves on each side, the one thief, and that's a thief of our joy. The joys in the present moment now. So you've got our thief on one side is regretting the past, represents past. Oh, coulda, woulda, shoulda. We'll beat ourselves up. I shouldn't have done this, I should have done that, I should have known better. Like basically judging ourselves and giving us no grace for knowing, you know, doing our best. So one of the affirmations I have against I did my best then with the information I had access to at the time. Yeah. And then the thief on the other side that robs us of our joy is the worry about the future. Yes. Oh, the sky's gonna fall, I'm gonna run out of money, I'm never gonna be in love, I'm gonna get it sick. I mean, anyway, like it goes, it goes on affinity. We worry. Most of us worry the most. That's why it's like anti-anxiety, anxiety meds, anxiety, this, anxiety that, blah, blah, blah. Regardless, that is a raw that robs us of our joy in the present moment.

SPEAKER_06 38:17

Takes us away from center back to the kingdom within, God, definitely paradise today.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

Because really, truly, Tara, like we are in it right now. Right now, there are no problems for you and me. Right. Where the where is your problem in the room? Nowhere. Right? It's all, you know, in our heads. There's a reason why the crucifixion was called Galgotha, the skull. Right? So I mean I know.

SPEAKER_06 38:49

I another thing I I've talked about, well, I talked about this on earlier podcasts, where, you know, and I'll be talking about it again, y'all. You create the world outside you with your mind and your thinking. And if you do not have control of your mind and your thinking and you're not coming back to center, like you're saying, and you're using, I love your analogy of the two thieves. If you're allowing those two thieves to steal your present moment, then that world outside you that you see where you know the bombings and the death and the destruction and all the crazy ass shit going on, we all have the power to change that, but it's in here, yes, and we have to take all that power back. You know, when they talk about oh, there's gonna be a worldwide shutdown of the you know of you know blackouts, like fucking good, shut it down.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

Shut it down, there's always gonna be a thing. There's always gonna be a thing that we can and and to tend to our own sanity, yes, does not mean we don't care about the wars and the famine and all that shit.

From Head To Heart In A Loud World

SPEAKER_06 40:01

Doesn't yeah, which makes me angry when uh the I don't know. I I sometimes I'm I'm here looking at my questions, but I'm like, oh no, this is better. Okay, I sometimes get frustrated because I feel as if I have no feeling or compassion for what is happening in the world, but the truth is I do, I just see it as a matrix now, right? I see it as a one big play. It's the Wizard of Oz, 100%, and the people that are being played are us. And you know, I literally told my son this two days ago. When when was the shooting in downtown Austin? Sunday night? Yeah, basically Saturday night, Saturday night. Okay, on Saturday morning, I had a conversation with my son, and he was like, Hey, you know, we were talking about the bombings in Iran, and uh and he made a comment about, you know, Trump said he wasn't gonna go to war. And I said, Well, you know, honey, every president says that, and then every president goes to war. I said, and here's what you need to know. And he's looking at me like I'm crazy, and God love him, because uh maybe I am, but he's always like, Mom, you're like a conspiracy theorist. I'm like, Yes, I am. That's great. Proud to be. But but I told him, I said, I said, we're coming up to an election season. And here's what you need to know. We're gonna go to war, there's gonna be mass shootings, you're gonna see school shootings, all kinds of shit's gonna start happening between now and the day of election. I said, and it's just a playbook, and it's an unfortunate one, and we the people fall for it still today. And there's a lot of us that aren't falling for it anymore, but at the same time, what are you gonna do? Right. It's a playbook that's that's going, that's just playing itself out. And and the thing to do is, I believe, is we have to take back our minds, and that starts with going within, and that starts doing your inner personal work, and and that's what we have to take back. And the wildest thing was is then that night was that mass shooting in Austin. Okay. And I and I told him, I said, remember when I said that? And of course he's like, I don't remember because he's such a gamer and he doesn't remember anything past two seconds. And I'm like, And I'm always like, get off your phone so we can just reset your brain for a minute. But you know, I told him, I said, we were talking about it this morning. I said, just watch, you just watch. There's gonna be a pattern of things that start to roll out now. And I can only see that anymore as an opportunity for us to take our power back. I think the more um that the zit called our planet is popping and exploding onto this, onto the mirror, you know, in high school, you're like, and it just goes all over the mirror, like we're in that explosion phase. Yeah, and it's not, it doesn't look pretty, it doesn't feel good. But what I believe we are to do in this phase is to be like the very thing you and I are talking about, it's you gotta go within now and you gotta heal that trauma. You gotta stop letting them hijack you with all of their political agendas and their political views and the political fighting and the separation and the dividing. We're divided by sex, color, race, religion, you know, right, you know, cars, you know, houses, streets, cities, counties. We're so divided. Right. And the more they divide us, the more we lose that power to bring it all back. And I'm not saying put your head in the sand and don't be aware of what's going on in the world. I'm not saying that, but you have to wake up to this piece that. We're being played. And we're being played because our connection is our connection at this moment has the power has the power and possibility to be deeply connected to God in a way that we've never been.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

Right.

SPEAKER_06 44:12

And they're going to make sure that breaks, unless we take our power back. Sorry, I think I'm derailing and going a different direction here, but it all comes back to the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 44:23

What comes up for me in that share are two things. You know, the journey from the head to the heart. Yes. To connect ourselves to ourselves. Two things at that point, right? A scripture that says, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

SPEAKER_06 44:38

Yes. Because the heart is actually the heart is the brain. The heart is actually what tells the brain what to think and do.

SPEAKER_01 44:47

Yes. So this is the beauty of this. Anyone who's into somatics is I am like really moving that consciousness, stopping, being still, be still and know that I am God, having putting into practice a meditation practice.

SPEAKER_05 45:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

Be still to literally understand and feel in your energetic body when consciousness moves from the head to the heart, and giving ourselves that practice because when we do that, when I'm deliberate, when I meditate, I am saying, I matter, I'm here to listen. You know, Wayne Dyer, prayer is talking to God, meditation is listening. So I can say God is, but like for me, God's my higher power and it's also in me and it is me. And one of the steps code beddings anonymous is came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I'm like, I don't know. It's greater than me and it's in me. So that's fine. That's a verse again. Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world. Like the world is an afterthought. So everything starts, like the manifested world out there is an afterthought. Everything starts right here. So to tie into coming out of victim mentality, victim mindset, this which says it's a complete lack of responsibility. Taking responsibility, we got to blame. Oh, the the government did this, oh this, oh that. There's a case for that. And so it's because there's a case for victim shit that the victim shit keeps perpetuating itself. And we have to take responsibility for ourselves. Period. When I take responsibility for myself, then I'm showing up different. The people in my life are showing up different. You know, even the ex with the drama and all this shit, like it was beautiful. It was it was a beautiful ending. There was love, there was tenderness. We hugged. We and then I sobbed like I've never sobbed before in my life on the way home. God save anybody who passed me on the freeway. Because I was like, I was like letting it all out. And it wasn't the sadness and the grief around, you know, feeling rejected or unchosen. It was the grief that it was over. It was over. I was mourning the end.

SPEAKER_06 46:57

Yeah, well, you're mourning. I I get that because I recently went through that. You're mourning the death of your identity because your identity is completely lost. Death of it all.

SPEAKER_01 47:06

Yes at all. It's it's when I divorce the trauma bond, I don't just leave the person uh on the other side. I leave a version of myself married and attached to that to that. Yes. Like I got that in that moment, and then like I just got it almost like I don't know if I was it wasn't a hallucination because I didn't see these things physically, but I got this visual of my car filling after I just like basically dry heaved onto the steering wheel. And so I just and but got this vision of like my car filling up with vines and branches and flowers and greenery and birds and fireflies and twinkle dust and everything else. And got that in that moment that just how beautiful an ending can be because it creates the space for something new, for life, and it's just a part of life. And it was it was beautiful that I could love as much as I love, it was beautiful as much as he could love, right? Beautiful that we both have navigated what we navigated as speakers, yes, to speak our truth, because that is one thing I had in common, which is sometimes you learn that love isn't enough. We need other shit, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_06 48:26

It's okay, yes, okay, everything 100, 100. Yeah, no, I I get that, right? And it's it's funny because I was I was talking with the God within me last night. I was talking and I was I was talking to my heart actually and asking my heart to release the trauma that is in there that I'm not aware of. And it is like that, right? It's when the when the heart, I was giving the heart permission. I was like, you have permission to release that now. And it it is like this cellular unfolding of all these little trauma pockets in your body that get released at one time, and it's like this big, oh, like it's I don't know, it's it's it's deep and it's visceral, and it doesn't have to be attached to anything other than the fact that you've been holding on to it that entire time. Yeah, not anybody else, me. I've hold held on to that, you know, and and that's and and there's courage. It takes courage to allow yourself to feel that because it hurts, it doesn't feel good. It it you get a headache or you get your stomach hurts or your face hurts, whatever happens when you're like having that moment. And and I was literally, I mean, last night I was talking differently because that that rocked moment, like you're talking about, that was last week. I had that last week, and and it took me out for a day, and then the next day I felt like I had been taken out the day before. And and I had to give myself the grace of knowing that that was my body releasing all of that energetic trauma that I've been trying to hold on to, pretending that it's all fine and all good when it's not, it's not all fine and good. And there's a freedom, like what you're saying, is that a whole new door, a whole new possibility, a whole new landmark realm, like a whole new realm shows up for you. Yes, which is funny because I think like sometimes I get this this download of like your guides or your soul keeps like throwing a ping pong ball on the back of your head, like you're gonna wake up, but one of these times you're gonna wake up. Okay, oh, didn't wake up that time. Okay, wait. Oh, boom, they woke up finally, you know, and then like the door can go open. It's like it's a whole new paradigm. It really is a whole new paradigm. Yeah. I know I sound crazy.

SPEAKER_01 50:51

I sound crazy, but no, I'm tracking, that's why I'm agreeing with you.

SPEAKER_06 50:54

Yeah, it's and it's it's a part of nature.

SPEAKER_01 50:57

We have somehow distanced ourselves and separated ourselves from the notion that we are nature. I love that you just said that. We're not, we are one with nature.

SPEAKER_06 51:10

We are one with God's prayer, too.

SPEAKER_01 51:12

I mean, before in the Garden Gethsemane, he prayed, Let let them be one as you and I are one. I mean, that was not a request command, just like let there be light, and it was so, let them be one, and it is so. I mean, we can understand this on an energetic scientific level. There is no distinction, there's no it, there's no rough edge, there is no solid. No solid molecules vol vibrating at different frequencies, frequencies, and you control that there's no separation, right?

SPEAKER_06 51:42

Like and you control that frequency, you control it, like we control it. And it's I just did an episode on trees and how because I was on a call with a friend the other day, and I walked by my one of my oak trees, and I could hear it pulling, like, touch me, you know, and I touched it, and I could feel the physical energetic vibrance of the tree. And so then I did a deep dive on what is that really all about, only to find that they have all these things where you touch a tree for 60 seconds 60 seconds and your cortisol will lower, it'll decrease. And then there's this whole thing called, you know, forest bathing. And you know, they they um put off um oh god, I forget what the what trees put off, but they put off an actual um uh oil that is projected off of them that when we breathe it in, it brings all of our senses down. Not senses, it it just calms you, it calms your nervous system and regulates your nervous nervous system, which goes back to what you're saying is we are all one, we are electromagnetic frequencies walking amongst one another, living as if we're separate, when we are one big gaping organism, a part of this planet. We are a part of this planet, yeah, yeah. And it's I sometimes also get these, I get these visuals. It's so funny, I'm talking about all these damn visuals, but I recently had one where God was showing me like I don't know, I see it like this big long cylindrical thing that's like a glowing light, and then all of our little human bodies are coming off of it. Like we're just like like a hair follicle, I guess. Like there's one called Case Erickson, and then there's another one called Terra Moore, you know?

SPEAKER_01 53:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, and we're opposite, like we're the opposite of you know, the bugs that go into the light zapper.

SPEAKER_06 53:40

We come we come out of the zapper, we come out of the zapper, and and the zapper is God, yeah. And and god I'm a zap myself, yes, and God is like feeling out the world through you, feeling out the world through me, and feeling out the world through every every existence on this planet is is having an experience. The trees are having a fucking experience, people like they're having an experience. The trees are now. We'll say trees don't think, trees don't do this, tree. No, the tree is having an experience as the dog is having an experience.

SPEAKER_01 54:15

Yes, yes, whatever's animating the situation, the animating force, the energy, the gravity, whatever you want to call it. As soon as I put a name to it, it ceases to be that which it is. Whatever it is, is like is us. It's all us. I've got a crepe myrtle. I think it's called crepe myrtle tree. It's like the multiple branches and stuff, yes, yes, in my backyard, right in the corner. I just went in there today. I shoved my face right in there, and like there was it was windy, and so it was like it was literally like massaging my face. Oh, yeah, I'm a total tree hugger, 100%. Yes, because they they heal us, they heal us, they gave me the best hugs, Tara. Like, I'm an advocate for him. Find yourself a grape myrtle and like just shove your face.

SPEAKER_06 54:53

I have one, she's right back here, but she has a blend. No, well, her branches are high. I don't hers are I'd have to, I'd have to get up on a because the way she's growing, I'd have to get on a uh thing.

SPEAKER_01 55:06

Mine are at mine are at face skull level, and so it's great. That's good. Face massage.

New Standards And Ending Misalignment Fast

SPEAKER_06 55:11

That's good. So let's go back to situationships. I know we just we went on this whole little tangent, but it's been fun. Um, you know, I'm curious. Now knowing what you know and shifting what you've shifted and owning what you've owned, what do you think is possible for you now in terms of what you're gonna be calling in?

SPEAKER_01 55:43

Well, I truly believe, and this isn't just fluff woo-woo, I truly believe that all things are possible. Whatever is on my heart to bring into my experience. I mean, we all know our hopes and dreams, and the things that we want to see, and the ways in which, you know, we all have very distinct dreams for ourselves and for our lives. They are they uh are our unique branch or whatever we bring to the world. There are things that only I can bring to the world that you cannot. There are things only you can bring to the world that I cannot. That is just the nature of who we are.

SPEAKER_06 56:23

So to say that Hold on a second, my dogs are hold on a second. I gotta get them out of here.

SPEAKER_07 56:28

Come on, you two get out. We're not doing this again. No, I'm on a call, okay? Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Thank you. Sorry about that.

SPEAKER_01 56:42

No, my dog was just like lifted up and he's like, what, what, what? So yeah. You know, I really wanted to preface because I know a lot of people be like, well, anything's possible, all things are possible. I I realize the the lunacy of that. And for me, this has all been a journey in trust of self, capital S self. So when I when I'm committed to that, when I'm committed to me, when I'm committed to my higher power, when I'm I choose myself, when I make that myself and the higher the whole thing a priority, I don't need to know the whole thing because we just for us put one foot in front of the other. I mean, my mom, she said if faith required a, and this is not, she's more conservative Christian, I consider faith just belief. If faith required a blueprint, it wouldn't be called faith at all. So what a beautiful beautiful gift for me to give myself, to let myself off the hook from having to have it all figured out.

SPEAKER_06 57:45

Yeah, I I noticed, I'll say this, I noticed that when I made that shift, first I had to go through there was a um, and I took myself off the dating apps at the time, there was like a withdrawal that I went through. Like I went through a withdrawal of um the whole, what do you call it, like the dopamine charge of being online and being able to run from that which didn't feel good. So let me go see if there's anybody who wants to talk to me or be interested in me or flirt with, because then I don't have to deal with, you know, what I'm feeling. And so I had to go through that, and that was interesting. And I did that over the holidays, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. Um, but I mean it it it took some time. But you know, I think what I'm recognizing today is there is a new strength within me and courage, and um I feel more secure and safe within myself. What also is interesting is some of these situationships have reorbited back in, like, hi, how's it going? And I'm like, oh, and now I I used to entertain the conversations with them. As a matter of fact, two nights ago I asked one, I was like, is there a reason why you're reaching out to me? Because I thought we decided a month ago that we're not in the same place. Unless something has changed, unless you're ready to bring intention to relationship, I'm open for that. But otherwise, I'm not open. I would have never said that three months ago, four months ago. And that was new for me. That was like, you go, girl. But I really feel it at my core for the first time, and I don't feel like I'm gonna miss something. And that was something that I also had before is that, oh, but what if I miss out? What if I what what if I what if this is the thing that's supposed to come to me and I'm like pushing it away? No, I get to say what comes to me because I was living like um I had to, I had to just accept anything that came to me. Like the universe is bringing it to me, so it must be for me, right? Instead of like, no, the universe is testing. Like, are you gonna take this shit you don't deserve? Oh, she is. Oh, okay, all right, let her go take that because she she's gonna do it again. Okay, let's watch her do it again, you know? Until finally it was like, no, actually, no, I'm not gonna take that. No, so serve me up what I want because that is not what I want.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:22

It's kind of like don't step over a dollar to pick up a penny.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:26

Oh my god, and I picked up so many pennies, fake pennies, okay? Like dusty ass, fake, whatever. Like, is that even a penny? You know, because I I thought like I had to. I was bread crumbing myself, you know, this term bread crumbing, you know. But yeah, I I think that's the biggest thing that I have noticed in the recent weeks is like wow. And then to look back at myself and think, wow, I really wasn't loving myself, was I? Like I really wasn't loving.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:57

Like, we don't know, right? Like, I don't think we know we for me, I just need the journey of discovery to learn what love is because I was not shown it the way that I needed to receive it, you know. Mom, mom and dad did the best they knew with the information they had at the time, right? Right, it was not sufficient. Right. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:24

Or was it because if we look at it from a soul's journey, was it like we said, go be inefficient, please, so I can learn the things I need to learn. I mean, it's it's hard to say chicken and the egg, right?

Trust Yourself Through Career And Money

SPEAKER_01 1:01:36

Coming to the point of yes, thank you. I am complete. I the gratitude, right? Showing up as full and abundant and trusting, knowing that we are part of the life force, we're part of the vital energy and all the things. Thank you, mom, for doing because I got to I got what I got because of what I got. What I have right now is enough. Like, I am enough, I got enough. It I needed to learn what I needed to learn. And it's a beautiful thing. You know, we I ended with the X, like, thank you for being my teacher. And we had had a fun little massage time before, which I really love that he brought up what he brought up about his little moment of truth, because we were having a fun massage time before, which we had never really done a little role play of like, oh, this is this is I'm in, I'm trying to graduate from this. Is my this is my graduate exam at massage school. So he was like my professor, and I was like, Does do I get a passing great? And it was like gold star, oh yes, best massage. It was fun, it was legitimately fun. It was, I love that we had that memory. We went out to eat after it was beautiful, and then he told me what he told me, and I felt it coming up for me. And I just he spoke the truth, I spoke my truth. And you know, we had a couple hiccups along the way that in the days following that that were more of our old pattern, but I was I have been committed to new patterns, new engagements, new ways to be someone who I've never been before. Like, okay, thank you. And how do I not feed? Because that's how I that's how I shifted the energetic feeding that I was giving my covert narcissist. Like I just stopped the feeding, and they feed off of someone else now, which is fine. They're not feeding off me. They may feed off what they may do their, but their journey is their journey, and they need what they need. And I'm just like these layers of self-care and self-love that we weren't weren't necessarily shown were patterned. We experienced the pain of not receiving that, and now it's just it's just a growing pain. Oh, we learned, oh, that that bump that wall hurts. Let me not put oh that wall hurts. Okay, well, let me just walk down the middle of the hallway instead of throwing myself from side to side, you know, right? Let's just walk in that like we're talking before, like the center. Yes, the center, don't give ourselves whiplash of regretting the past or worrying about the future, and just calm the F down.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:04

Right? You know, it's funny. Well let us sit in for a minute. Well, well, what I was hearing while you were saying is giving up the performance, you don't have to perform. And that's what gave you both the freedom in that moment is you didn't have to perform anymore. No, and I think so many of us are walking around performing.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:24

And we don't even know that myself included.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:27

Yeah, we don't know, we don't recognize that we're over here trying to be what we think they want us to be or what we think they need us to be. And you know, that time with self when you can unplug from the people, all whatever the dating, whatever it is, whatever it is that you're performing for, when you can unplug and then be with yourself, which is uncomfortable and not always fun, but you'll find that you really like yourself. And if you don't like yourself, I promise you do, but there's a big ugly ass like story sitting in that mind of of yours, of someone, whoever's listening, that you're unwilling to give up. You're unwilling to give up because you're getting something out of it. Yeah, and that's where you have to do, that's where the work starts. And then it's it's ugly and it's hard and it's heavy. Yeah, and and it takes something. You have to want to give it up, you know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:30

And when when the when another person doesn't, because I've gone through what I've gone through, I can look at the person who doesn't want to give up the thing with compassion. Because it is it is hard and it's not for everything. No, and and they don't have to do anything.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:47

They don't.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:48

Nobody has to do anything.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:49

No, they don't. They don't.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:51

And so it's like, okay, you're not we're not in alignment.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:54

That's okay. It's interesting that you know, the person I was recently We went on a few dates and then I realized that we weren't aligned and and I reached out and was just like, you know what, we're not aligned. Nothing bad, nothing wrong, you know. Yeah. And he agreed. He's like, you know, I think you're right. And you deserve X, Y, Z. You're right. And and he's like, but do you want to talk about it? And I was like, there's nothing to talk about.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:20

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:21

And then he kept saying, But but I we can talk about it. I'm like, but there's nothing to talk about. It doesn't need to be dramatic. It's just that you're in one place, I'm in another, and it's not aligned.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:33

That's it.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:34

And there's nothing wrong with him. There's nothing wrong with me. And I was sad for a moment because I had a lot of hope for what the potential was. But then I was like, this is me stepping into that new paradigm again. Like, oh, and I did it after four dates. I was like, shit, that's fast. And then of course, a month later, which was two nights ago, he's like, hi. And I'm like, yeah, no. No, no. Unless, unless you're ready, don't, don't reach out. Don't. But you're such an amazing human. I know. So what are you gonna do with it? Nothing. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:17

I'm gonna run away. I'm gonna lure you in, and then I'm gonna run away. You got six months for me?

SPEAKER_06 1:07:23

Yeah. And yeah. And so it's just it's just funny, but I I, you know, I think that's what's possible for myself. I can't speak for others. But what happens is you find this new level of self-love and self-respect.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:39

And it is like that was the word that was. I was like, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:42

It's self-respect. And it's and it's something I never had for myself ever. And and it and it's fallen, it's in my career.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:49

Well, let's say we gave it away.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:51

We gave it away.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:52

And I I did it in romance. I've done it in career. And so now I'm bumping up against that in my career and like realizing, oh, all these jobs I've had in the past are still inside of that old paradigm. And so right now I'm in between jobs. It's not, it's not no wonder. There's not like, oh no, you know, it's like, of course, this is not coincidence. This is part of no girl, that that that isn't who you are anymore.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:19

So now you have to go step into who are you and what will you take and what will you not take? And yeah, it's it's fascinating. It's fascinating. So, what would you like to leave? Okay. So the listeners, my listeners, there's many. Like there, some of them are in relationship, but there's a lot that are single. You know, in the realm of situationship, what advice would you give those who are bumping up against that? And I really want people to hear situationship. It's not just romantic relationships. You can be putting up with this shit from friends, you can be putting up with this shit in your career. Like you could just leave yourself in limbo because you think that you're not worthy of having what you desire. So yeah, what what do you want to give back to the world in this moment around that journey?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:08

Twofold. Just trust yourself.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:11

You know, trust yourself in what? When you're somebody who who you can't trust, like so. Here's something I found about being somebody who was okay with situationships is I never trusted my inner voice. Like I knew my inner voice, but when it came to myself in love, I was always like, Well, what do you think? What do you think I should do? Case what do you think? Like, no, what the fuck do you think, Tara?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:34

So how do you get to that that trust yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:38

Trust yourself takes a willingness to know yourself. And we don't trust people we don't know. And that includes ourselves.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:49

So if you don't trust yourself, did y'all hear that? You don't know yourself. That's huge.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:56

You take the time, you invest the same amount of time. Well, maybe not the same, but the amount of energy that you might put into finding another person. Look, everybody knows what's working or what's not working in their lives. Everybody knows if they've got unhealthy patterns, dysfunctional patterns, whatever. You know if something is off. So if something is off, it is on you to get it on. And so, you know, that time, whether it's getting out in nature, whether it's sticking your face in a tree, whether it's climbing, whether it's meditation, it's it is time with you and you and you alone. No phones, no distractions, no kids, no dogs, no job. You say to yourself, I am here for me. And what do I need in this moment? Put myself in the receptive mode. I am in I'm willing to receive. I love that. I'm willing to put myself in the receptive mode. Reception. It's a it's a season of reception, it's a time of reception, whether it's five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. I'm a huge advocate of meditation, whatever that looks for someone, because you're signaling to the universe at large that you are willing to listen. And so you start to relate to yourself as a listener. And then you know yourself as a listener. So then you become someone who doesn't need to have it all figured out. You become that brave, courageous version of yourself who trusts yourself because you know yourself as a co-creator with God.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:47

That's what I was just hearing.

Final Advice And Closing Blessing

SPEAKER_01 1:11:48

Co-creation, co-creation. And don't we all, that's what we all want. Look, I will tell you, I'm not, I'm about to start a full-time gig in like two weeks. I'm going to Costa Rica in two days, helping a client write her book. And I'm like her ADHD channeler. And so I'm super excited about that. I've had coaching clients, consulting clients, I've done all sorts of different things, and I'm taking a full-time gig that starts the Monday I get back. It's not sexy, it's outside sales, it's not sexy, and I'm just I'm like, well, I'm an undercover messenger of light. Love that. Who happens to make his money from selling windows and doors? Hey, or wherever. Because look, here's the deal like God opened the door for it.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:32

And I'm like, hmm. The guy sent me an email. Hmm, okay, let's have a phone call. That feels right. We had a phone call. He's like, I'd like to put you through to the next, you know, the video if that feels if you're in alignment with that. Okay, cool. Yeah, that feels right. I had the phone, you know, the guy I was supposed to talk to some woman named Crystal and instead it was some guy named Steve. And I'm like, you don't look like a crystal. And we just had a great conversation. The conversation went well. And he said at the end of the thing, I don't normally do this, but I'd like to offer you the job right now. And I was like, okay, yeah, let's do it. You know, because that felt right. Did I up a month ago and say, I want to start a window and door salesman job? No. But I'm so in this space of like trust, surrender. It's like gratitude mixed with not caring. Like whatever people think, or not just like, I don't need this sexy job. It's just like to me, God is like, here you go, here's a way for you to keep your lights on, to put food on your table. You don't need to be defined by what you do. No, I'm no longer because I know myself as that co-creator. It doesn't matter what I do because from my perspective, God's like, we want you to write this book. And we're you don't need to do anything other than that, sell some stuff and then write this book. And so you know, like Elizabeth Gilbert said in her book Big Magic, I never asked my creativity to support me, I always supported it. She ran out of the gate with e pray love. Right. She did all sorts of things. Everybody does all sorts of things. Yes. But we bought into the thing that says I have to do the thing or I have to no, nobody has to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:09

No, I just had the I just had like follow the problems while also not not like in a relationship space, but like in a fun little, oh, this is what okay, we're gonna do this. Okay, yeah, we're getting from this.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:21

Yes. Well, I think I think it's important to hear the it's the breaking out of that identity mold, the mold of like you should have this is what makes you sexy. You have the sexy job, you have the sexy this, you have the sexy that.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:33

For me, Tara, because I own business, I was multi-million. My business did multi-millions, three million dollars a year, a hundred. I wouldn't remember freaking out if I didn't make a hundred thousand dollars in a month. Yeah, yeah. So for me to have gone through, you know, losing my house, losing my business. Not I wasn't living on the streets, but I didn't have a home for like seven months. Yes. I blessed my ex-wife because she was able to take the kids and she had the stable. So I mean that was five years ago. That was five years ago.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:56

Yes, I remember.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:57

Right? So, like there, this is a big thing for a man to anyone, but anyone. I'm I'm going through it.

SPEAKER_06 1:15:06

I'm going through it.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:08

And we have all this thing that we have to have, I have to be by a certain I have to have this amount of money, and yes. Uh fiance, he was a millionaire, so I had all that. There's a whole other episode about what he taught me inside the world of money of a way of being, which is beautiful. It's just like, you know what? Show up, do the work, don't freak yourself out, do your best. It might take it'll take however long it takes.

SPEAKER_06 1:15:31

Right. Well, I just I had this realization today because I too feel I'm I'm recreating myself in that space in the area of career because it it also is aligned in this whole situation chip bullshit. But I I uh I have my house on this app called um, well, I won't share it, but anyways, it's for it's for um people to rent yards for their dogs. So it's like Airbnb, Airbnb, but it's for a dog park, you rent it. And somebody had posted that they are doing birthday parties, and I was like, holy shit, birthday parties. Oh my god, I can have birthday parties for dogs on my property. And I started thinking about that, and I started thinking about all these other areas of opportunity that I can just go do. And I thought to myself, I literally could be doing all the things I love to do and make probably more than what I make with the sexy job, right? But here I've been living inside of gotta have the sexy job, and I have to. Here's another thing that I bumped up against recently is that I have been equating my value and my worth based on my bank account. And I have felt like an ultimate failure to my family because see, how I've seen myself is the husband and the wife of the family, and so how I've seen myself is as the man, I'm not performing, therefore I'm letting my family down. And when I saw that, I was like, fuck. And just the other night I was at my son's um track meet and he introduced me to one of his friends and he goes, Oh, are you Leland's dad? And I was like, Damn, that shit just showed right.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:06

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 1:17:08

And he goes, I mean, I'm sorry, his mom? And I said, Well, uh technically I am his mom and his dad, but yeah, but I knew that that showed up inside of what was I what I was clearing because what I was clearing was giving up this thing. Like, I've been the man, I've been holding the house, I've been holding the mortgage, I've been holding everything, I've been raising this son, my mom, you know, this little young man who's becoming a man, and and all of my feminine has to like be squashed down because I have to constantly be in this masculine mode. But my point being is that I had this awareness just today. I was like, I could literally have dogs at my house all the time, people having parties in the back with their dogs all the time. I could be content creating, I could be pet sitting and like making six figures and then some and enjoying my life. But I've been living like I have to do it this one way, I have to go get the six-figure job, I have to stay in the medical industry, uh like that whole mentality, you know? And and that goes back to rich dad, poor dad. I was I was raised by poor, poor mentality, like like prop poverty thinking parents. And and that's that's a whole paradigm that has to be even recognized or seen that you're even living in it because you don't know what you don't know, right? And you're just inside a paradigm and you don't even know it. So yeah, it's it's breaking down all the what we think is sexy and what we think we have to do and how we have to provide. And when we really let go, and back to like you said, you know, eat you know, follow the breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel, like follow well, don't don't be Hansel and Gretel, they get eaten.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:58

But yeah, there's a there's a they're bring make it light, yeah. Let go of the things, the blocks, the like let go judgment. Yes, let go shoulda, woulda, coulda. Again, that's the thief on the other side. Shoulda wulda could regret and judging the past. Let all the things go, let go of the worry. I mean, it's a practice, it's not like you know, wave the magic wand. No, no, promises from from debtors anonymous, which I call my financial sobriety program. Yes, I will live within my means and my means will not define me. And I put that I put that in the present tense. I I live within my means and my means does not define me. So that gives me the freedom to have whatever because people judge there's all there's always this judgment. Like, and I noticed this with you know, dating the the man of you know wealth was like, oh well, he should do this and he should spend money and he shouldn't spend his money this and do that. I mean, the the judge it doesn't matter, like everybody's gonna judge us. Every that's people do that. So our job is just to be in alignment with our own truth and our own center and our own ground and our own authentic self-expression. 100%, and just you know, all things are possible, make it fun, make it light, yeah, and stay in alignment one day at a time, one sleigh or one sleigh at a time, as I say, Tara.

SPEAKER_06 1:20:24

Well, I just want to say thank you for coming onto the show. I know we came on to talk about situationships, and then we went and talked about all kinds of other things, and it's all connected, it is all connected, and I just I have really enjoyed being with you today and having you on the show. And I hope that people can, you know, they get something out of it because I know there's a lot of people struggling in that space, and you know, it is it, you know. I know when I say it's real, I almost want to say it's not real, Tara. Everything is like you create it, but but it it it's real in the moment for somebody. Yeah, and it's and they have to they have to recognize that reality and and recognize that they're it's bankrupt, right? And at some point you have to stop and you have to go within, and you have to be willing to be with the discomfort, and you have to have the courage to really look to make those shifts, to step out of the old paradigm, to choose yourself, to respect yourself, and to love yourself at a whole new level.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:29

100% right there with you.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:32

Well, I love you. Thank you. Yes, and uh thank you for everybody for being at the show. Um you know, I look forward to seeing you next week. Stay rooted, keep rising, and have a blessed day. Thank you for rooting in and rising with me today. If something in this episode stirred something in you, take a breath, take what you need, and let the rest soften. Be sure to follow the show so you don't miss what's next. And if you feel called, share this episode or leave a review. It helps the space grow and reach others on the path. Until next time, may you walk with trust, speak with love, and rise in your own time. I'm so grateful you were here with us, and thanks for being here. We'll see you on the next episode.