58: When Someone Is Good… But Wrong for You (The Self-Worth Shift No One Talks About)

What happens when someone is kind, emotionally available… and still completely wrong for you?

In this episode, we’re talking about the moment everything shifts—the moment you stop feeling the pull, stop chasing, and finally see clearly.

Not because they’re toxic.
Not because they’re a narcissist.
But because you’ve outgrown the pattern.

This is what real self-worth looks like:

• recognizing trauma bonding vs. true connection
• breaking the cycle of “almost” relationships
• no longer needing to be chosen to feel worthy
• choosing yourself without guilt, without drama

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a situationship, emotionally attached to someone unavailable, or confusing intensity for intimacy… this episode will hit.

💬 If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it.
⭐ Leave a review—it helps this message reach more women ready to choose themselves.

Transcript

When Someone Is Wrong For You

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What happens when someone shows up in your life, sweet, real, emotionally present, and completely wrong for you? Not because they're a bad person, not because they're a narcissist, not because there's a villain in the story, but because they're exactly where they are. And you, you're exactly where you are. And those two places don't meet. Today we're talking about a moment you stop feeling the pool. The moment someone reaches out after a hard conversation, hoping you'll soothe them, hoping you'll stay in it. And instead of feeling that old tug, you just feel clear. That's not coldness. It's not walls. That's not shutting down or shutting anyone out. That's what it feels like when you actually love yourself. Stay with me. Here we go. Welcome to Rooted in Rising. I'm your host, Tara Michelle, intuitive guide, storyteller, and fellow traveler on this wild path of becoming. This is a space for the soul led, for the ones unraveling old stories tending to their healing and rising, not perfectly, but powerfully into who they are here to be. Here we explore what it means to live with intention, to love with depth, and to trust that even the hard things are shaping us. I'll share pieces of my own journey, the cracks, the beauty, the breakthroughs, and invite voices who are walking this path too. Because I believe life isn't happening to us, it's happening for us. So come as you are, root in and rise up. And thank you. Truly thank you for being here. Welcome back to Rooted in Rising, everyone. It's Tara Michelle. I'm the host of the show. And it is so good to be with you today. It's been a long week. So before we get into this episode, I want to say that this is a topic that is something I went through, just recently went through, and I'm still integrating it. It feels very fresh in my body. And at the same time, it was a profound moment for myself. But I am going to preface that this episode could be triggering for some. It is in the area of romantic relationship. And it was a huge breakthrough for me. It was a complete paradigm shift, but I'm going to go ahead and get into it. So a man came into my life through social media, sweet, emotionally intelligent, forthright. And he was going through some of the heaviest things that a human being can go through. He has experienced incredible loss, incredible trauma, recovery, and also moving through a lot of identity, you know, really looking at who he is today. And the funny thing is, is on social media, he found himself drawn to me. He saw a comment and he felt drawn to me. And I was drawn to him. But here's the kicker drum roll, please. He's married. So now I want to be really clear about what this episode is not. Okay. This is not a beware of married men episode. This is not a demonizing episode. This is not me casting him as the villain and myself as the victim because that's not what happened. And that's not who either of us are. Okay. So I want to say that. So what actually happened was kind of beautiful in the raw, uncomfortable, truth-telling way that real human connection sometimes is. Okay. There's no black or white here. You know, when it comes to love and relationships, connection, there's a lot of gray. A lot. So we talked, like we really talked. And I asked him really hard questions. What about your wife? If she if she were doing this, you know, having an emotional conversation with another man, you know, how would that feel for you? And and if you and I were together, would you want me doing this to you? Like, how would that make you feel? And we had like lots of really deep digging conversations, so much so that he joked and he was like, Oh, it's real talk with Tara. That's the podcast. The podcast should be real talk with Tara. And I was like, that's the only way it goes, dude. That's the only way it goes. I'm all about the real authentic shit here. But he sat with those questions. And what I really admired is that he didn't deflect. He didn't get defensive. He was so honest. And he's the he's a man in the middle of his own awakening. Really, like his own awakening of self, his own reckoning of self, trying to figure out what his life is supposed to look like now. He has suffered, like I said, incredible loss and trauma. Like huge. And I have genuine affinity for this man. I really do. But here's what I saw when I woke up the next morning after our conversation, and I found a message on my phone. And it was sent after our phone call, after we'd said everything that needed to be said. And I want you to sit with this because this is really the meat of the episode. And there's going to be a lot in here. And so, like I said, some people are going to be triggered. Some people are going to think what I did is wrong. Some people are going to say what he did is wrong. There is no right or wrong here. There's none. This is just two people having a human experience moving through life and how life looks when it gets a little messy. When I woke up, there was the there was the message. And I thought to myself, if he was truly thinking of his actions and the impact they have on myself, his wife, and honestly, on him, he would have let the call end when the when the call ended. He would not have reached back out, asking what he was asking. And at that moment, that was where the big shift was for me. It was this paradigm shift. And I I felt the energy move like a sliding door. It was wild. Like I felt it. And I saw that he was still only thinking of himself, needing to fill his void, his wound, with something outside of him. And I saw that I did not, that I did not have to be the person to rescue him or myself. Meaning, what used to pull me into this type of behavior was my need to get the void that I had from my own wounds fed through connecting to his wounds, aka trauma bonding, right? At that moment was the paradigm shift. And it was huge for me. And I also want to say his action was not him being cruel or manipulating. That is not what he was trying to do. He was not trying to be any of that. And if he was, it wasn't coming from a malicious place, okay? The manipulation. I mean, we could look at manipulation in many different ways. There's many layers of manipulation. But there was no malicious intent in what he was doing. There was actually how I see it. There's nothing wrong with what he was doing. He was someone acting on what he was feeling. He was feeling big emotions. He was feeling a need for something. And he wanted to process it. And he wanted to process it with something and someone outside of him. Because to face those emotions that he has locked down deep that he hasn't fully processed yet is a big deal. So it's easier to go outside and get it from where you think you can get it and to feel it and to have that temporary feel. But also at the cost of what? You know, there's a cost to me, there's a cost to his wife, but more importantly, there's a cost to him. That's the real cost. And he reached out, like I said, because he was processing these huge emotions and they were real. And he acted on them. And I get that. And I have so much compassion for that because I have been in his shoes. I have felt that deep need where you need to fill because you just can't bear that emptiness or whatever it is that you think you need. You need that connection. You have to have that feeling, that energetic high. It literally is an energetic high. But my compassion does not mean that I have to choose to reciprocate. And here's what's new for me. This was the paradigm shift. Here's what I want everybody to hear because this was the moment for me. Because a year ago, two years ago, hell, most years back ago, that message that he sent me would have felt like a lifeline to me. That would have been the heart tug for me, the pull, the, oh, he still needs me. I should respond. Let me go soothe him. I would have climbed right back into that wound with him and called it connection, called it depth, called it love. Okay, said it earlier. Because I was trying to fill my own voids at that time. The unhealed parts of me that needed to be needed, that needed to be wanted, that needed to have that feeling, that energetic high, that confused intensity with intimacy. I know that old pattern well. And that intensity, which was confused with intimacy, that mistook someone else's longing for proof of my worth, that's what I did. And I'm not there anymore. I'm not there anymore. And that old pattern is what caused me to fall into, it's one of the reasons, fall into a lot of situationships or a lot of relationships that were not healthy, a lot of relationships that were, you know, codependent or you name it, been through all of them. Okay. So I woke up, I read that message, and I felt clear. And I felt for him for a moment. And I also felt completely unhooked because I know what I deserve. I know what alignment actually feels like for me. And I know with everything in me that I don't have to resolve old wounds by walking into a new one. Nor do I have to resolve anybody's wounds for themselves and hook up, you know, with them to whatever, have that whole trauma bond experience. Not, and and that's that's not a wall. That's not shutting love out. That is what self-love looks like when it's actually building something. And that was a profound moment for me. That was like a, I felt like, oh my God, high five, Tara. You got this girl. You did it. You didn't fall into that same old familiar pattern. And this is the thing about mirrors. This is how I talk about life happening for you, not to you. I talk about it a lot. The people who come into our lives aren't accidents, they show us something. Sometimes they show us our wounds, sometimes they show us how far we've come, sometimes they do both at the same time. And this man and I, we had a beautiful conversation around all of this. Like who I was for him, who he was for me. You know, because even in the few phone calls we had two, and the whole time all about this very thing, you know, we we unpack some shit. We laughed, we talked about regular shit, but we unpacked some shit. He unpacks some shit, and I unpacked some shit. I got real clear with him. Like, look, this is where I'm at. This is what I'm looking for. This is what I'm doing. And yeah, uh, do I feel attracted to you? Fuck yeah, I do. Is that something I would have done in the past? I don't know that I'd really mess with a married man, I'd have an issue with it, but I would have wanted to carry on that emotional connection because it's filling something, it's filling those wounds that I just have to have filled. I just can't bear without the connection, you know. That's what it was like. It's almost like an addiction, honestly. And this man reflected something back to me that I needed to see. He showed me what it looks like when someone acts from their own need without regard for another. And I hate to admit it, but I've acted like that often. And when I've acted like that, not even aware that I was not regarding that other person. Because I was so stuck and so deep in my own shit. And instead of making him wrong, like instead, I'm not gonna make him wrong. Instead of labeling it, instead of pathologizing it, building a whole case around it, I got to just see it and say, wow, I know that, and I got to choose differently in that moment and completely surround him with love and light because he deserves that. He's a human being healing, and maybe I got to be something really special for him, just like he got to be something really special for me. And there's no bad, wrong, right, good, it just is. We met at an intersection in life, we bounced off some reflections, and we got to be like okay with not fulfilling on a temporary fix, a quick fix or a quick need. And we both got to think about some things. And I I honestly think he got something. I know we did because we were both so honest enough to let the conversation be so real, so authentic, so healing and compassionate for where we both were and what we each desire without making each other wrong. And maybe he goes home and looks at his marriage differently. Maybe he realizes he's been checked out and it's time to do the work and get back in it. Maybe he realizes he needs to leave, but that's not my story to write. And that's not my story to wait for either. Okay. But I know that our conversation made a difference for both of us. I know that. Two people, neither one is a villain, but a little more awake and a little more aware of what's most important to each of us. So that is what this journey looks like when you stop needing someone to be wrong so you can feel okay. You don't have to demonize the almost. You don't. You don't have to make the situationship a horror story to justify walking away. Many of us do it. I know I have. Sometimes you just get to say, hey, he's where he is, and I'm where I am. She's where she is, I'm where I am. And it's not a match. And mean it with love. That's it. That's the whole thing. Mean it with love. So if this episode hit something in you, if you recognized yourself in the old version of me, the one who would have rushed to soothe, the one who would have climbed into the wound and called it love, I want you to grab my guide, my e-guide. It's called fuck almost, your guide to being fully chosen in love and self-worth. Because almost isn't love. Almost is just a wound with good timing. That's what it is. This guide is for women who are done settling in the half version of what she deserves. You're done with it and you're ready for more. Done mistaking intensity for intimacy, done filling her unhealed places with people who are just as unhealed. It will help you see clearly the way I got to see clearly the other morning. So that when the next almost shows up, you don't have to white knuckle your way through it. You just know. You just know. You just know you're done. And you're ready for what's really meant to be yours. All your wildest desires and dreams, the truth of yourself and what you're calling in. And you will know. The link is in the show notes. You can also check it out at teramichelle.com. That's terra m y c e l e dot com. You can find it there, but it is in the show notes as well. And if this episode moved you, please share it. Share it with somebody who might need to hear this exact message today. Send it to a friend who's in an almost right now kind of relationship. Leave a review because it helps us reach the masses. It is how we find each other in this community, is built on women who are done shrinking. I love you. Keep rooting, keep rising. And I hopefully I'll see you next week. I am starting a new role. And so it's a bit of a juggle. I'm going to try and keep up the weekly episodes, but if not, I will see you in every other week. But I'm going to do my best to keep up the weekly and until the next episode, which I do believe we're going to talk about the gap. And if you aren't familiar with the gap, you can go to my very first episode and I talk about the gap of life. I want to dive into that again because I saw a post recently. I was on TikTok. I saw a post. And it's something I'd like to talk about and bring back. I think it's important because I do think it's a topic that's not often talked about. So have a blessed week. We'll see y'all next week. Take care. Thank you for rooting in and rising with me today. If something in this episode stirred something in you, take a breath, take what you need, and let the rest soften. Be sure to follow the show so you don't miss what's next. And if you feel called, share this episode or leave a review. It helps the space grow and reach others on the path. Until next time, may you walk with trust, speak with love, and rise in your own time. I'm so grateful you were here with us, and thanks for being here. We'll see you on the next episode.