Postpartum 101 for Dads: Hormones, Burnout, and Being a Real Partner

In this episode of The Unhinged Father Podcast, Robbie sits down as a freshly minted dad of three to talk directly to men about what really happens to your wife’s body and mind after birth—and why “she’s fine” is almost never the full story. He breaks down a simple “Biology 101” of postpartum recovery, from bleeding, sleep deprivation, and pain to the brutal hormone crash that can fuel postpartum depression and anxiety, and explains why moms are often handed a baby and expected to just get on with life while everyone else focuses on the newborn.
Drawing from his own mistakes as a first‑time dad and how he’s trying to show up differently now, Robbie calls out the old‑school mindset that a “real man” goes back to work full‑time after a week and leaves mom to handle everything. He argues that the first 6–8 weeks postpartum (and beyond) are when a partner is most needed—not just to provide financially, but to change diapers, manage the house, care for older kids, protect mom’s sleep, and be a stable, empathetic presence while her hormones and emotions are all over the place.

Robbie talks about how to spot warning signs of postpartum depression and anxiety, why “baby blues” are not the same as serious mood issues, and how husbands can help their wives get support—from doing research and noticing red flags to encouraging therapy, support groups, or medication when needed. He also shares practical ways dads can lessen the load: taking leave when it’s available, handling the unglamorous chores, validating her feelings without weaponizing them, and reminding her that the dark thoughts she’s having feel real but aren’t necessarily true.

Finally, he reminds men that while their wife is going through more physically and hormonally, this season is hard on dads too—and you can’t be the pillar of stability your family needs if you never take care of yourself. From gym time to honest conversations and getting your own help when you’re struggling, Robbie challenges dads to step up, grow up, and become the husbands and fathers their families actually need.

If you’re a new dad, expecting dad, or a mom who wishes your partner understood what postpartum really feels like, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Robert (00:00)
All right, baby number three is officially here. We have gone from a family of four to a family of five, and a lot of comments and concerns have been coming my way from family, friends, just asking how I'm doing. I usually respond in a pretty abrasive, way. I'm doing just fine.

I'm not the one who had to push out a eight and a half pound baby. My wife is the one that you should be checking on and these questions and concerns coming my way, although appreciated, really brought up this this point that I wanted to touch upon today that it seems though in our society and with health care and with a bunch of other things just in general that there's a lot of love, empathy, support coming in for pregnant women, right? Everyone always wants to go to their way to help a pregnant lady. But as soon as that baby comes out, it almost seems like

You know you're in the hospital. They say you're clear good to go You're still gonna be bleeding for like a month your hormones are gonna be going nuts But just we'll see you in six weeks to make sure you tell you when you can have sex again And that everything's fine, right?

We seem to lose this empathy and this concern for pregnant women. As soon as the baby's here, everyone's concerned about the baby. And these expectations and these responsibilities are placed on women to automatically just jump into taking care of their children while they're still going through a lot. And so today, I wanted to take some time to discuss some of the things that I've observed, some of the things that my wife has gone through, and some of the things that I've been learning from the beginning of my time as a dad.

with baby number one where I was a complete dipshit up to where I'm the dad of three now and I'm not a complete dipshit but still pretty dumb in some stuff and just go over some of these things that a lot of men probably don't know right it's very easy for us as dads men to be detached from the situation when we're not the ones who are growing the child when we're not the ones who are having all of these hormones pulsing through our bodies when we're not the ones who are responsible for breastfeeding and sustaining the life of

this child and so this episode it's going to be directed a lot towards the men but I think a lot of women pregnant women if you're you're gonna be pregnant I think that what this episode really is is just to name what I see and to acknowledge that these things are real these things are happening and that it's a difficult thing right that it's a difficult thing and then there are ways for us as husbands and men to support our wives

as they're going through these hard things. So that's what this episode is gonna be about today. We're going through it right now. So hopefully this is all a good fresh take for everyone.

Now just so everyone knows, are doing all right. Baby number three is actually doing pretty well. Knock on wood, giving us a decent amount of sleep at night. A lot better than our second child, ⁓ who was a sleep terrorist and just decided to sleep all day, party all night.

I do want to start this off by saying that I am in no way, form a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor. I'm none of these things. I'm just a dumb dad who is observant and has learned a lot of things over the course of my time trying to be the best dad that I can possibly be.

And I'm going to start this off with just a little bit of like biology 101 for everyone out there in terms of like what's going on once the pregnancy comes to an end. And when I say come to an end, mean, you give birth, the baby's out and you move on from there. A lot of in the past.

It's always been the responsibility of the mom to take care of the child, to keep the child safe. And at the same time, Dave just, you know, if they've had a vaginal birth or even a C-section, right, they've had a huge trauma. They're literally bleeding for weeks after the birth. Their body's still recovering. They've had to push out a, you know.

I won't get too graphic on you guys. You guys all know where I'm going, right? They had to push out a giant baby in areas that are not necessarily that big in a normal circumstance. Besides all of that is that during the pregnancy, they've got these spikes in different hormones that are doing different things within the body.

the women are sitting there growing the baby there. They're essentially growing this little parasite, giving their resources, them feeling like shit, not being able to sleep, getting bigger. Their bodies are getting fucking destroyed because they're gaining weight. They can't exercise like they like they used to. And things are never going to necessarily be the same. And I don't say this to scare women. I don't say this like I actually had to go through it. I'm saying it just to acknowledge the fact that this is something that women sacrifice for us.

for society, for men, and it's something that should be really appreciated because they do go through a lot to give us our children, and I don't know what I would do without my children. So I really am appreciative to my wife for everything that she's done and everything she's had to go through in order to provide us for our three boys.

So besides going through this huge medical trauma, giving birth, and

being expected to take care of a child immediately afterwards, but not being able to carry. The funny thing is they tell you not to like carry over 10 pounds and our babies come out almost at 10 pounds. So it's like, what the hell am I supposed to do? I got to carry my baby, obviously. But you know, there's a lot of other expectations, especially if there is no husband in the picture. There's no other support system or if which I'll talk a little bit more later. If the husband goes back to work like almost instantaneously, the mom is expected to do all

all

of this work right off the bat and that can be extremely difficult and a little unfair in all reality but besides all of this physical stuff that's going on

There's also this huge change in shift in hormones, right? There's there was a huge increase in hormones during the pregnancy to make sure that things were going the way that they should. And then when the pregnancy happens, those hormones all start to die back down and shift back around. And I don't know what the hell they're actually doing. All I know is that any type of hormonal change can be a significant distressor to the person who's experiencing those hormones.

changes. So you've got on top of this physical trauma, you've got all these hormonal changes that are going on, and you've also got a mom who's probably sleep deprived, anxious, maybe a little bit on the depressive side with all of these things that are already going on, or maybe she already struggles with anxiety, or she already struggles with depression prior to getting pregnant, prior to having the baby. She's now having all of this

going on hormonally that's just adding to those things and causing bigger and bigger issues for them. While on top of that trying to take care of a baby, trying to breastfeed, waking up every three hours at night to breastfeed the baby. And even though I'm someone who helps out and I get up with my wife every time she breastfeeds at night, I get up, I change the diaper, I get him ready to go to mom and all that stuff. I'm waking up for that time period, but then I go back to sleep because I'm not a dummy.

I take sleep where I can get it. I go back to sleep while my wife is breastfeeding. And so she's up at least two times for 30 to 40 minutes while I'm sleeping. And so I just say all of this to kind of go over with men or anyone who wants to be a father or who's gone through this situation that women do do a lot. by just the pure biological fact that they're the ones who are responsible for the children,

They're the ones who are taking on a brunt of this work and that doesn't mean that you don't do anything and that doesn't mean that you're completely worthless although your wife might tell you that and you should just suck it up and be like You're right. My tits are worthless. I'm sorry that I can't produce milk. You know, you can you can still be empathetic to them

Now a lot of these hormonal changes in these changes that can actually take place in the brain that impact...

empathy, emotional regulation, bonding, all of these things are actually geared towards being a good mom and like being able to take care of the child, but they can cause a lot of heightened emotional emotionalness. It can cause heightened anxiety and a lot of other things that are really kind of going on there. And for you, I think what's important to the dads out there is that you actually

Look at what's going on in a hole and try not to take it in a vacuum if your wife is more anxious or she's asking you to do additional things or she is a little bit more ⁓ terse with you or even if she's mean to you, right?

Kind of taking this with grain of salt and realizing that she's going through a lot of things right now that are not necessarily all within her control. She can't control these hormones that are pumping through her body. She can't control these things that are going on. And so you need to be the one who's a pillar of stability for your wife. You need to be the one who's able to come in, be stable, be calm, all of that, because you're not the one who has hormones flooding through your system. You're not the one who just went through all of that shit. The worst thing that happened to you is that you had to sleep on some crappy couch in the hospital for maybe

two nights.

It's important that you don't weaponize this against your wives. It's important that you don't use this as something to portray them as being weak or emotional irrational. It's important that you empathize with her, try to support, and then try to get through it together because it's a hard time for both of you. I know I just said you're not going through much. You're probably not sleeping a ton either. You're trying to learn. If this is your first child, you're trying to learn how to be a good dad, how to be a good husband. If it's your third one, you're taking

taking care of other kids, you're busy as well. It's a hard time for both of you. And so what's really important is just to just realize that these are the facts. This is what's going on. Your wife's going through a hard time and your job in this moment in time is to suck it up and be that pillar of support that your wife needs.

Now during this time women can go through postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety and there's a couple of different forms. There's the baby blues which everyone always talks about just heightened emotional as being weepy, mopey, ⁓ emotional on certain things. You watch up the first 10 minutes of up and you're fucking bawling your eyes out which I do normally without having a baby but.

These things are normal. typically happen for a couple of weeks and then will subside. It's important to keep an eye out anything that is beyond that in terms of like falling into postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, making sure that you're helping your wife identify that if she's talking about, you know, being hopeless or feeling like no one cares about her or no one's there for her or that she wishes that she hadn't had the baby. There's different things that you can keep an eye out for and I highly suggest anyone that is going to

to

have a baby or who just had a baby to do a little bit of research to identify those and help your wife to identify because it's going to be really difficult for her to identify it in the moment. That's not going to happen. That's also a lot to put on her. And I think that it's very important to keep an eye out for this because you want to make sure that you're taking care of your wife, taking care of your family, and helping her get back to some sort of semblance of normal once the babies come. And that being said, there are different things that can help out.

I'm not someone who's rushed to get medication for everything, but in this situation, there could be a time where on top of potentially getting counseling, talking to other people about it, getting into support groups, mom groups, medication may be something that can be a temporary help to get women through this portion of time that's going to be extremely difficult for them. And like I said, something that they don't necessarily have control over. They don't have control over the fact that their body is doing all this crazy shit

within them, making the hormones go wild. They don't have control over that. It's important. Men, help them identify and be supportive if they need to get medication or if they need to get help or if they need to talk to someone. Just be that support system. I'm going to continue to fall back on this. Being a pillar of support, being a pillar of stability for your wife, that is your job as a man in this situation, as the husband, as the father. That's something that you can do because there's a lot of shit you can't.

Now I did want to touch upon something that is kind of in the theme of old school, new school. And I heard someone talk about how they were talking about someone else who went on leave for a different company in a different industry than me. But it was an old school 50, 60, 70 year old, which sorry if I'm calling you old school and you're in that age group, you are old because I'm old and I'm only 38.

talked about how, you know, why isn't the dad back from work yet? It's been a week. The mom can take care of everything. What is he even doing at home? And there is this old school mentality. Now, I'm not going to lie. I don't get it now. But when I first had my first son, I was back at work within two weeks. And man, was that a fucking mistake? Man, was that a mistake? Did I have that wrong? 100%. I was.

totally in the wrong and I left my wife out to dry and she had such a hard time with that first one and I feel terrible terrible about it now because she you know she was crying had a hard time she didn't have family there was in the it was during covid so like she really was just kind of fucked she was there just by herself with her own thoughts I wasn't there to support her and so it was difficult for her

And so now being a dad, being around, having learned a lot, having grown quite a bit emotionally and just intelligence, emotional intelligence, and just also just not be a dumb shit. I realize that there's a lot of stuff that we can do. There's a lot of stuff that dads can do to help to take care of the wife, to take care of the baby. There's a lot of responsibilities that we should be there for that the mom shouldn't be the sole responsible person for.

changing diapers, taking out trash, helping get the baby down for a nap, letting the baby sleep on you for a nap if they're being really fussy, just giving mom a break because you're not gonna be able to breastfeed, you're not gonna be able to pump, you're not gonna be able to do any of that shit. You need to be there to help out as much as you can and I don't know how women...

did it in the past and in all honesty they did it because they had to out of necessity but I can see why there were a lot of women in the past who burned out who were resentful of their husbands who nowadays will just be like you're such a great dad you do so much work it's like well

The other dads should have done that too. They should have been there to help to do that because it's not enough to just be a provider or go to work or do that type of shit. That's not being a dad. That's just being that's a transactional dad in my opinion. You're just a transactional dad. You're not a real father. So for me, I think that that's something that is very important is to be able to to take the time that you're given, especially I'm in California. I'm given time off. I'm giving paid leave through

the state of California now I pay into it with my taxes and all that stuff but take advantage of it take advantage of the stuff that you have stay home bond with your child support your wife take care of her be that pillar of stability that she needs and that your kids need

Now on top of this, one of the things I wanted to go over too was just how you can be a little bit more empathetic. Now for men out there, I'm not always the most empathetic. I'm not the softest, I'm not the kindest always. There's a lot of things that I struggle with, but there are things that you can look out for and things that you can acknowledge. And I think that this is an important thing is just the acknowledgement of it, right?

You can't do anything about it. That's where I struggle is like if I can't do something about it. I have a really hard time talking about it or being empathetic because it's like well you just have to do it and I think that that's something that we as men can help with is just acknowledging that things are difficult acknowledging that your wife is going through a hard time letting her know that the feelings that she's feeling are

real and this is something that's difficult for a lot of people and I think that why men struggle is because they don't want to validate the feelings of like I'm worthless or like the baby was a mistake or anything like that they don't want to validate any of these negative feelings but that's where this thing that two things can be true at the same time even if they're not you know totally in line

your wife's feelings, your wife's emotions, your wife's hormonal changes. Like this is all real. She's not crazy. She's not going fucking nuts. She really is going through a tough time. She really is having these feelings. She really is struggling with anxiety and depression and all of these other things that are going through. Those are all very, very real feelings to her. But at the same time, you're not validating that any of them are necessarily true.

They're real feelings, but your wife is cared for. Your wife is a good mom. She may have this very real feeling, this real dread that she's a bad mom or that she's just a mom now or that she's just a boob for the baby to eat off of, That she's lost herself. She may feel all of these things and those feelings are real, but it's not true.

They're not true. She can feel them. You're there to say, hey, I see you struggling with this. I see you going through this. But I'm here to let you know that those aren't necessarily true. And we'll make it through this together. And even though it's true, I'm not telling you that you're crazy or that you're wrong. I'm telling you in an empathetic, stable, logical way that you're a good mom, that you're doing a great job. And even though you have these feelings, everything's going to be OK.

So make sure that you're checking in. Make sure you're checking in with your wife after she gives birth. Make sure that you're doing everything that you can to help support her. Now I'm running out of time. I was gonna make this episode a little bit longer, but I'm trying to get stuff in between being that support person right now, in between baby naps and feedings and going and picking up my other kids. I'm trying to get a couple of episodes in here. So I am cutting this a little short. You guys are gonna miss out on a few. Maybe I'll have another episode about this stuff later.

But I do want to make sure that men know some of the things that they can do. You know, just like I said, be empathetic. Take out the trash. Clean up the kitchen. Do all of the shit that you can do to make your wife's life easier. can't breastfeed. You can't always be the person who comforts the baby. A lot of times they're hardwired to want your wife to want their mom. Help clean bottles.

Help sterilize stuff. Learn what you don't know and help your wife take care of it. Help her with the pumping stuff.

There's so much stuff that you can do that can be taken off of your wife's plate to make her life easier. And in those first six, seven, eight weeks, it's gonna be imperative that you do that and to continue doing it after the fact. Me and my wife both work. When she goes back to work, I need to continue to make sure I'm doing my part to ensure that I'm supporting her to the best of my ability, supporting my family, and again, being that pillar of stability that everyone needs me to be during this time.

Validate let her know that she's not crazy Validate let her know that everything she's feeling is real, but that they're not necessarily true feelings They're real but not true So that way she doesn't feel like she's taking crazy pills and that you are being that supportive person she needs And at the end of the day even I'm asking a lot of you men You need to make sure that you're taking time for yourself as well

For me, it's going to the gym, getting an hour and a half to just be able to go disconnect, lift heavy things, get aggressions out, get anger out, get any other emotions out. And then also taking care of my body physically. It's important that you do that type of stuff and that you're taking care of yourself. Make sure that you're getting the help that you need. If you need to talk to a therapist or if you need to go and have fun with your buddies and stuff, I say all this stuff to be hard on men because in all reality, you're not going through as much as your wife, but that doesn't mean you're not going through anything. That doesn't mean that it's not hard

for you as well. It's just that in this stage of life, your wife is most likely going through more than you are. And this is the time where you need to suck it up and be better for your family because they need you to be better for them. They need you to be that person, that stable support person. And it can be hard. So make sure you're doing what you can to take care of yourself to the best of your ability so that way you can be that person who is supportive, who's there, who's able to be what your family needs them to be.

And that's really going to do it for this episode,

All the men out there, if you are a dad or if you're gonna be a dad, I really encourage you to do a little bit of research on this and to ensure that you know what you need to know going into having the baby. It's not all on your wife's shoulders. You need to make sure you're an active participant in all of this as well. Be the father, be the husband that your family needs you to be and do the best that you can. Give yourself a little bit of grace. You're gonna fuck up. We all do. I was a terrible first dad, first time, you know, first time dad, husband for a while.

It was a time that was a learning experience for me. And it was difficult for my wife. It was difficult for me, but we made it through. And now I'm doing a little bit better. Probably not a terribly better, but at least a little bit better. So make sure you're doing that research. And then, if you've had similar experiences, I'd love to hear from any of the dads out there or any of the moms, right? On what do moms want from their husbands? What are some of the things that I miss that can really be helpful? Is the shit that I said actually helpful? Is this stuff that you guys would like? I'd love to hear from the moms out there.

I'd love to hear from the dads on what you're doing to support your wife support your family So send me a DM at the end of the or in the description of the episode There is like a send a message about the episode or you can send me an email or you can find me on social media And send me a DM there as well, but I really do appreciate you guys this time I'm gonna go take care of my family doing my best and I hope that you all have a great week. Have a great weekend I will try and get another episode out shortly, but

Have a good one. Talk to you all soon.