Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
This is the place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel.
The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham has being in ministry all her life and has felt silenced from all the labels and responsibilities that come from being a pastor's daughter to the unexpected role of being a pastor's wife. This journey has not been easy nor has it been just. Esther no longer wants to hid nor lower her voice.
On this podcast, Esther shares what happens when you use your voice and shares the stories of overcoming the stereotypes and living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
Transforming Hurt into Healing and Strength
Have you ever faced the heart-wrenching challenge of dealing with a toxic family member who disapproves of your most important life decisions? In this emotionally charged episode, I share my personal experiences with a controlling relative whose disapproval of my marriage led to years of pain and tension. From childhood memories of her protection to the unpredictable and harmful behavior that affected my entire family, these moments of reflection highlight the emotional complexity of such relationships.
The narrative crescendos with a dramatic incident at my mother's wake, where unresolved issues erupted into a tumultuous family confrontation, forcing me to reevaluate my priorities and personal well-being.
But the story doesn't end there. I journey through the healing process, discovering the profound impact of the "total truth letter" as a means of emotional recovery and growth. By expressing gratitude, anger, and hurt, and taking responsibility for allowing toxic behaviors, I found peace and the strength to establish new boundaries.
This transformative experience redefined my understanding of happiness and faith, inspiring a fresh perspective on what it means to live unapologetically as a Christian woman. We encourage you to visit www.esthergraham.com to share your thoughts and join us next week as we continue to explore the path to empowered living.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted. The place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel. The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Speaker 2:I know you don't want to hear this, but it's probably time that you cut some relationships, whether it's family, friendship, it could be a church relationship, any type of relationship that's really not serving you, and you just don't know how to end the relationship or really what to do in the relationship. You probably feel stuck, and you probably feel as if the relationships you know one day it's good, the next day it's not, and then you're just not sure how the relationship is really going to be, day to day, week to week or month to month. What you are sure of, though, is that you are tired of being in the relationship the way it is, the way it is, and so then, what do you do about it? How do you end the relationship and still continue to be happy, be comfortable and move on in your life without that relationship? Because sometimes you know, we feel as if we need the relationship, especially if it's a family relationship, and we feel, because they're family, that we can't end the relationship or remove it, or put it at a certain distance, let's say. And so we stay there because they're family, or we've been best friends all of our lives, and so you know, we've got different reasons why, many times we feel as if we can't end a relationship.
Speaker 2:So I was in a situation like that. I was in a situation like that and really I've been in situations like that several times. And one in particular that was just really hard to sever and it took years was a relationship I had with one of my family members, and the relationship was very controlling. They had to always be in control of the relationship, belief or thought as what they thought. Then you were discarded, you're rejected, and it could be that they would not even speak to you.
Speaker 2:I remember when my husband and I first started dating, I got a phone call and the other person on the phone call, the same family member, said you have no business marrying him. He's going to do this to you, he's going to beat you, he's going to hit you, he's going to abuse you because he's this and that she had no clue who he was, she's never met him and she said you cannot marry him, he will not be accepted into the family. And when she spoke that, she spoke that for the entire family, like not just her family, you know, her husband and her children, but my mom, my dad, everyone. How could she even do that. And so I told her well, that's not going to happen, I'm marrying him. And so she just told me off and I remember I hung up the phone and I just cried and I cried and I cried. And when Jonathan and I got married, she didn't show up to the wedding, and neither did her entire family, not at all, and it was so hurtful.
Speaker 2:But it didn't just stop there. I didn't stop our relationship there. Really, I went the opposite way. I was so bent on getting her approval in everything that I did that I did whatever I could do to please her so I could be accepted not just by her but her entire family. I think one of the reasons I did that because as a little girl, when we moved to the United States on the weekends after she got married, she would pick me up and we would go and hang out together and we would go out to to lunch together. There was a certain restaurant that I always loved going to and I would always get hamburgers and French fries because that was my favorite American food. And she would her and her husband would take me there and she at the time, as a little girl growing up in the United States, was my protector, so I honored her. I absolutely loved her. So I honored her. I absolutely loved her, and I still love her.
Speaker 2:But as we got older, there were so many things that shifted and as I became into who I am and who I loved, and it didn't matter that my husband is African American or anything like that, she was just 100% against it. And so for years, you know, she didn't speak to me and then finally she started speaking to me again. But still, it's always been that control factor and it wasn't just for me, it was for, like, the entire family. If she did not like something she disagreed with something. If she did not like something she disagreed with something, she would cut you off, like this boom. And so the relationship with her now that I look back, it was just so toxic. And it wasn't just toxic for me, it was toxic for everyone.
Speaker 2:I remember, when my son came out, her reaction to that and what was said and what wasn't said, and oh, it was just, it was ridiculous. Yet I want to say this with this particular relationship, there was a side of her that was also great. There was a side of her when she was on point and she was ready to give and show love, that she would be phenomenal. But then there was this other side. She always gave the impression that she could do nothing wrong. Her or her entire family, they were perfect, they had everything perfect, but me or my family, we were so imperfect If we didn't make the decision that she thought we would make. We were imperfect and there was something wrong with us.
Speaker 2:I remember when my mother passed away. That's really when everything just broke apart and we were at the wake I guess is that what they call it from my mother, and she was there and she really didn't speak to any of us, and that was fine, but at the end, when we were all leaving, something happened and my husband spoke up about it quietly, and she didn't like it, and from that point she started a whole her and her family started a whole drama going on. That was just really sad. This happened about four, maybe five years ago four years ago and there were so many untruths and lies being told about myself, my husband, my church, my children. It was so much, and I didn't know what to do and how to react. What I did, however, know was that I could not be in a relationship with her or her family anymore until some things changed. And until it changed, I would just have to sever that relationship. And how I did that was I didn't call her and say, okay, I'm ending the relationship with you and everyone. I didn't do anything like that. I just moved in silence and I did what I needed to do.
Speaker 2:So this is what I want to tell you If you're in a relationship that you know, you know, you know in the depths of your heart that this relationship is no longer serving you and you need to exit, just because you exit a relationship, by the way, doesn't mean that you don't mean them well. Does that mean that you don't mean them well? Does that mean that you don't love them? Does that mean that you don't want them to succeed? Because, for me, I love her, I love her entire family. I want her to succeed. I mean her well. I want her to be successful. I want her to experience great things. It's just that I can't be in her life because it's no longer serving me, it's toxic.
Speaker 2:And so what I did was I began to go through something I like to call, or is called, the total truth, the total truth letter. I have to tell you this so works, because I've used it with my son. When he was going through his breakup, I coached him through the total truth and I just want to share with you how that works and how I used it for me. I began by doing the total truth, by just really saying exactly how I felt, and I really started with what I absolutely loved about my family, what I absolutely loved and what I was thankful for.
Speaker 2:I talked about what made me angry. I'm angry because you did this and I felt, not them but me. It made me angry, it hurt me, I did not like it when, and I was very specific about how I was feeling, and in this letter I wrote it to myself and and I even listen this is a process that I did a few times, because when you're in a relationship that you've been in for a while, you just don't get over it. Boom, like with the snap of a finger, there's hurt and there's pain, there's anger, there's so much and it doesn't just stops then or it didn't start then. This is these are things that have come along on your journey in life, and so for me, this was years after years after years. I have stories after stories, after stories that I don't even have enough time to share with you, but what I do know is that I needed to end the relationship so I could be happy.
Speaker 2:So I went through and I did the entire total truth and it got down to this is what I take responsibility for. That was the hardest part. As I went through, I'm angry. As I went through. This is what I disliked as I went through. This is what hurt me when I got to. This is what I take responsibility for. I got stuck because I said to myself I'm not taking risks. What do I need to take responsibility for? They did everything. They're the mean ones. They did this. She said this. She's done it. What did I do? All my life, I've did everything to try to keep her happy and to be in a great relationship with her and, no matter what I do, it just doesn't work. It's just not enough. So what do I need to take responsibility for? And so I remember the first time I did this, I stopped right there. The second time, I stopped right there.
Speaker 2:By the third time, I began to really think and I really began to go a little bit deeper and I began to think about my responsibility and what I discovered was my responsibility. I had to take responsibility for allowing her to treat me the way she did, for allowing her to treat my husband the way she did, for allowing her to talk about various people, different people, without stopping her. I had to take responsibility for that. I took responsibility for not speaking up when I should have the way she treated our parents and the way she allowed her family to treat our parents. You know, we were brought up as much as lies within you live at peace with all men, and so I wanted to live at peace with her, so I allowed her. I shouldn't have done that. When I sat down and began to think about that and take responsibility for that, it just hit me like hardcore, like gut, because I thought, oh man, I did this. I think back often that if I would have taken responsibility for some things in our relationships a long time ago, maybe, just maybe I'm not sure we would still be in a very powerful forward moving relationship now. But instead we're not, and it's okay.
Speaker 2:After moving past taking responsibility, then I moved into. From now on, this is what I will do, and so I began to outline. This is how I will be in a relationship with you. This is how I want to be served, and I began to outline that. I began to put my values in place. This is what I value, and I realized that, while I am not actually saying it to her, I'm saying it out loud, I'm writing it down because then it takes an effect on me and then I begin to live it out and I begin to be okay with it.
Speaker 2:And I moved into the things that again, I appreciated about her. I began to think because I always want to see her in a very positive light because she is a wonderful person. I began to think about you know, us going, her taking me out to hamburgers and french fries every Saturday, began to think about the wonderful barbecues that she would have and what a great relationship at one point I had with her children. I began to think about that I had with her children. I began to think about that. And so, in that, I began to be grateful. And so, as I did my total truth, I said I'm grateful and I'm thankful for your children and for the role you did play in my life, that if you didn't play the role that you did, I wouldn't be where I am today, and that's how I moved through severing that relationship.
Speaker 2:But it's not just that one. I've used the same tool with any relationship that I know that I need to move out from, a relationship that no longer serves me, a relationship that's abusive and toxic. Those are the relationships that you know that you need to get out of. Those are the relationships that you're saying, oh, it's okay, I could deal with it. No, because what I learned is that I don't have to sacrifice my joy, my peace and my happiness. I don't have to sacrifice who I am to keep you happy. I don't have to sacrifice my family and my children to keep you happy.
Speaker 2:And can I tell you something? When I made that decision, it brought peace to my husband. It brought peace to my children. It released them From having, or even trying to forge a relationship that was also no longer serving them, because they didn't like some of the language, they didn't like what was done behind closed doors, they didn't like some of the discussions, and so, because I released it, because that's my family, they felt the ease to release it. And so could it be that someone that's very close to you, that you're in a great relationship with, but they're following your lead. They're waiting for you to release that relationship so they could also move forward in theirs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, since that's happened, I've not really seen her, maybe twice, but she's not spoken to me, and the great part about that is that I'm at peace with it. Do I love her? Yes, do I pray for her? Yes, and her entire family. But I no longer live in sadness or unhappiness, or I'm no longer walking on eggshells, neither is my husband or my children, because we're trying to live up to what you want. Trying to live up to what you want. I look back and I think, oh my God, esther, why did you ever do that in the first place? Live up.
Speaker 2:What I also discovered, it wasn't just me, but it was also other family members that were living up trying to be in a good space with them, living up trying to be in a good space with them. You know, sometimes, because they're family, we try to always stay in a good space. You know, in the family I grew up in, you know again, we were always taught live at peace, be at peace, be at peace, move on, just be at peace, Pray about it and all that's good. And, yeah, you can pray about it, but sometimes you just have to take action, because it takes two to have a great relationship and it also takes two not to. But it's just one person right. One person could say I don't want that relationship. If it's not like this, I don't want it and you have to be okay with it and move on so you could be happy.
Speaker 2:I believe that using that tool has really helped me navigate through many relationships, not just family. I've navigated relationships with church relationships. I've navigated through friendships. I feel like if for a lot of my life, I've been around people who were not in integrity. They were disingenuine and, like many of you, I've stayed in the relationship just because I didn't know how to move out. I felt that's what I should do or it's just what it is. I felt that's what I should do or it's just what it is. And when I made the decision to move, that's the tool I move.
Speaker 2:When I say this relationship isn't good for me, that's the tool that I use. And when I use that tool, it frees me, it releases me, it makes me feel good and I'm so good now. It frees me, it releases me, it makes me feel good and I'm so good now, y'all, with the majority of the relationships that I have. I guess maybe I'm just on this journey right now to where, if the relationship isn't going to, if we're not going somewhere in this relationship, then we just need to end the relationship. And I don't mean that in a negative way at all. I mean I still love you, but we just may not be able to commune together, and it's okay. It's okay. I'm on this journey where I'm looking at all of my relationships and I'm saying is this relationship serving me and am I serving the relationship? Is this good for me? And if it's not, then I have to sit and I have to go through.
Speaker 2:You know what makes me angry about this relationship, what I don't like about this relationship, what I value, what I take responsibility for and what I'm releasing everything, everything, everything. Then I come to a place. As I told someone, when I see you out in the streets or anywhere, the stores I need to be able to look at you and smile and say hello and keep moving. I don't want to look at you and feel as if I could just beat you over the head or run you over in the car, because, trust me y'all, I have been there with that. I have been there to where I see someone and I know they've hurt me, they've did these things.
Speaker 2:We were in a relationship and when I see him I just want to run him over. So I have to make sure that I'm okay. So that's why I go through that, because when I see you I need to be able to smile, say hello and keep moving and my heart totally clear, pain gone, no longer lives there. How do you remove that person from your life? Go through those steps and you'll see what will happen. It will be miraculous. And you'll see what will happen. It will be miraculous.
Speaker 1:Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically. Faith unmuted has allowed us once again to ask ourselves the kind of questions that will help us get to the next level and live this life unapologetically. Your next step head on over to wwwesthergramcom and let me know what your favorite episode is Ask a question or share this with a friend. I can't wait to be with you next week as we dive deeper into redefining what it means to be a Christian woman and redefining what it means to live in our truth.