Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
This is the place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel.
The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham has being in ministry all her life and has felt silenced from all the labels and responsibilities that come from being a pastor's daughter to the unexpected role of being a pastor's wife. This journey has not been easy nor has it been just. Esther no longer wants to hid nor lower her voice.
On this podcast, Esther shares what happens when you use your voice and shares the stories of overcoming the stereotypes and living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
Finding Peace in Unexpected Places: A Journey from Exhaustion to Renewal
Have you ever found yourself crying alone on the way to a place that’s supposed to bring you peace? This episode of Faith Unmuted takes you through my intensely personal journey of stepping back from ministry due to overwhelming exhaustion, unappreciation, and isolation.
From the heart-wrenching moments of feeling unsupported by my husband to the crushing weight of unrealistic expectations from church members, I share the raw and honest emotions that led me to prioritize my well-being over relentless service. Hear stories of how this struggle isn't unique to me alone but extends to others in our community, like the single mother in my women's group, who face similar challenges.
But this isn't just a story of stepping back; it's one of transformation and healing. I recount how a business conference, initially intended to boost my professional skills, unexpectedly became a sanctuary for profound personal growth. This experience highlighted the importance of seeking healing in unconventional places and underscored the value of taking risks for self-improvement. By investing in my well-being, I discovered a renewed purpose and joy in ministry work that transcends traditional church walls.
Join us as we explore how embracing change and stepping out of comfort zones can lead to remarkable personal and spiritual growth, and how these lessons can inspire you to live unapologetically and with true fulfillment.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted. The place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel. The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Speaker 2:I remember when I stepped back, stepped away from ministry this was a few years ago, no-transcript I just felt as if I couldn't do ministry anymore. I felt that way because I was tired. I'd gone through so much in ministry. There was just a time when, you know, I would go to church on Sunday and I would drive my own car. My husband would drive his because he would go in earlier and I would drive mine and I would be by myself and I would cry all the way going to church, parked my car, the way going to church, parked my car, wiped my tears, make sure my makeup was okay, go in to the sanctuary and sit, smiled at everyone, say hello, listen to the word, which was always good, get back in my car and cry all the way home. Yeah, so I had to make a decision that I just couldn't do it anymore. It was painful for me, didn't like how church members were treating me or even my children. I didn't like the things that they were saying, the expectations that they had of me and my family, but I couldn't have expectations of them Always being expected to show up. Yet they get to choose when they show up or not. Struggled with all of that. I remember at one point I felt even as if my husband didn't protect me from them, from the members, from people, and I really felt once again that here I am in a battle, fighting all by myself. So I made a decision and I told him. I said I can't do anything anymore. I said because if I do, I'll just bleed all over everyone, because right now I'm hurt, I feel cut and there's blood gushing out everywhere. Let's say, and so I can't do it. I stepped all the way back because here it is, we're expected to show up to this, show up to that, be here for this, be here for that. And yet no one ever showed up for us. At least that's how I felt. We had people lying to us, telling us, oh, we're going to do this and we're going to do that, knowing that they were not.
Speaker 2:And at that time, you know, I felt as if I was doing so much and yet so unappreciated. Ministry is very important to my husband and he does an excellent job. But, truth be told, I felt as if that came before me and our family. That was his priority, honestly felt as if he can talk to everybody else, solve all their issues. But when it came to me, the conversation was difficult and my issues weren't being solved. I remember one time telling him I don't want to hear the scriptures. I know what they say, I just need to have a conversation with you. This is how I feel. I was in a very bad way. I was hard to get along with. I was disgruntled.
Speaker 2:I remember once again we went to our church leadership conference and I remember our bishop saying that how ministry is a joy and he loves it and there's a peace and there's all these things. And I remember I leaned over to my husband. I said what ministry is he in? Because I thought that is not my experience, that is not what I'm experiencing. Let me tell you about a little bit what I experienced, and maybe you have as well.
Speaker 2:And if it's not in ministry, like how I stepped back, maybe it's in something else. Maybe it's in family that you just stepped away from, maybe it's doing some things on a job or in your business you just stepped away from. You know, but I stepped back because the disrespect. I stepped back because I didn't see the genuine love of God. People said they love you, but their actions were different and actions speak louder than words. Everyone is supposed to love you and smile at you, and they didn't. They looked at what you had on, they judged you, or one of the worst things is that they look at you and they pretend as if they don't know you or they don't remember who you are, but you see them all the time.
Speaker 2:I always was careful in what I said and what I didn't say, because I was always judged over my thoughts or my opinion about something. So I just would clam down and not say anything at all. I was expected I felt to be like other pastors' wives and I wasn't. I was just me and I didn't know how to be like other pastors' wives. Although, trust me, I tried to fit into the mold. Have you ever been there where you just try to fit in to a mold all the time? It's like a, how you say, a square peg going into a round or around into a square. Which one is it? You know what I mean. So I would always try and I could never. I could just never, ever fit in. So I would begin to walk into rooms and I would just begin to be quiet and it I didn't do my events.
Speaker 2:I stopped having the women's group because I just saw it as so ineffective and I said you know, I'm going through these things. I'm feeling hurt, I'm feeling I've got all of these emotions and I don't know what to do about it. I need help. So how could I help anyone? I remember one of the last women's meeting I had. I came home and I told my husband. I said I'm not doing this anymore, I'm not doing the women's meeting, that's the other thing I'm moving away from. And he said why? What happened?
Speaker 2:We sat in this group of ladies, were talking, and there's a young lady there and she was a single mom and I believe she had three kids at the time and she was pregnant with her fourth child. And here she is in this room of ladies. Who's supposed to really uplift her and and and hold her? And so I'm teaching, and so I'm embracing her and I'm just teaching, you know, and saying it's oh, it's okay, you know, you are going to make it.
Speaker 2:We all make mistakes, we all go through things in life and I use myself as an example of some things I have gone through in life and one of the ladies raised her hands to say something and I said go ahead and this is what she said. She said well, I've been in church all my life. I've never experienced any of that and I've never experienced what she's experiencing, or even what you're speaking about, about being mistreated in church and being mistreated here. I've've never. And then she looked over to someone to collaborate with her and said don't you agree with that? Have you ever experienced that? And the other person just looked and went. You know, was like not sure what to say and the thing about it with this particular woman that said that she had two kids and she has never been married. So don't sit and tell me that you've never experienced what this young lady has experienced. But you just shut her down. And so after that meeting, I said to my husband I said I cannot do this anymore because I cannot be around people who won't be truthful about who they are, where they are, their past and everything else so others can get help. And so I shut myself down.
Speaker 2:While I stepped back, I began to do some work on me. I began to go through my own healing Because, truth be told, stepping back really took a toll on my marriage. I'm supposed to be there in support of my husband. I wasn't being the pastor's wife, as was expected to be, so he was doing everything with the other leaders. I didn't want to speak to anyone at the church and when they did come and speak to me, I had to be very careful because if they say something to me, I was at the place in my life where I would just shoot off, my thoughts were and not care, and I really honestly didn't want to be that person.
Speaker 2:I really began to do some work on myself, my innermost being Looking at as to what's really going on with you, and I realized that I hated being in ministry, that it just was not a joy for me. I'd lost all the joy, and I believe that if you lose a joy about something, then that's something that you should no longer be doing. I had people come and tell me you know you should get back to doing because this is going to help the people, this is going to do this, and I thought I don't really care about that. I need help. I stopped going to a lot of functions, I poured myself into my business, I spent a lot of time in prayer, I spent a lot of time asking God for direction, and one day he did direct me to exactly what I needed to do do, and what I needed to do is get to a place where I could develop from the inside out, where I can actually be transformed from the inside out and I can go through a healing process.
Speaker 2:I needed to be healed, and what I discovered was I needed to be healed from things that I wasn't even aware of, that I was experiencing. My marriage needed healing. I didn't even realize that my marriage, from my perspective, was in so much trouble, but my marriage needed healing. I needed to be able to talk to my husband and say this is what's going on with me. My relationship with my children, while it was good, it still needed healing. Why? Because I needed healing. My business was going great, but it could have been better, but it couldn't be better because I needed healing.
Speaker 2:Man, have you ever been in a place to where you're just there and you're stepping back from things and you're slowly stepping back and you're stepping back, and you're stepping back, and you're stepping back until you're all the way back and you're almost totally walking away? I almost walked away from my marriage because I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I knew that I was unhappy, and then I began to focus on me, on the inside of me. I began to really be honest with myself. I put myself in an environment where I could actually be healed. And I've said this before and I'll say it again I went somewhere. It wasn't a Christian conference, it wasn't a religious conference, it wasn't anything like that. As a matter of fact, it was really a business conference. As a matter of fact, it was really a business conference and I thought I'm going so I could work on my business and up-level my business and scale it. And I'm just thinking business and that's why I'm going.
Speaker 2:But God had another plan, because the thing about it what I love about God is that he wanted me healed too. He wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to move forward, because that's the only way he could use me. That's the only way I could influence others to live this great life that they have the power to live. I went to this conference and it was at that conference that I was able to identify what was going on inside of me. It was there that I was able to receive my healing.
Speaker 2:And I say this because many of us think that we've got to be in a certain place it's got to be, especially if we are, you know, members of a church, of a denomination or religion or whatever. We think that we've got to be in that environment. I went to an environment that was way outside of my scope or even what I thought I would get any type of healing from, and that's exactly where I got it. The words that were spoken healed me. The activity that was done, where my husband and I were able to look at each other and talk, healed us, but it healed me. I say us because then our marriage began to get better. But it healed me because I say us because then our marriage began to get better. But it healed me because I needed the healing.
Speaker 2:There were areas that I didn't even realize needed healing. See, some of us live in fear and we think that if we step out this way, then something is wrong and we shouldn't be doing that, and so we stay exactly where we are. I had to take the risk. I didn't know I was going for healing, I was going for something else. But even going for something else in business was a risk for me because I didn't think I would ever do that. But that's where I went, because I was getting desperate in business, not realizing that it was really me, and so I went.
Speaker 2:And so what I want to say to that, I want to say take the risk on yourself, take the risk to be healed, find a place to get your healing, because you're your most important investment. You need to be around for your family, for your loved ones, for your children, your grandchildren, your great-grands, for that significant other. You need to be around for yourself and when you're around, you need to be healed. I have a saying you know I am healed, I shall be healed, and I'm being healed. Healing for me is ongoing. I'm being healed, healing for me is ongoing.
Speaker 2:But there are some things I could say oh, I am healed from this. So go forth and get your healing. Do what's necessary to do so you could be healed. Don't be caught up in what it looks like and I'm speaking to those who are looking for something that looks, let's say for lack of a better word churchy to them or just really. You know people like say oh, it's just highly spiritual. No, listen, I need you to get healing.
Speaker 2:The environment that I went into was highly spiritual, but it was not a Christian environment, it was not a religious environment. Everybody was there and I saw everybody, lots of people healed, but, most importantly, I was healed. So I want to what's the word Maybe encourage, I'm not sure to do the necessary thing woman to be healed so you could be that better woman, so you could live your best life, so you could live your healed life, so you could build great relationships. So then you don't have to step any further back. You can now move back in. I've moved back into ministry.
Speaker 2:It looks a little bit different than it did before, but it needed to look different because I'm not the same person. I'm not the same person as a matter of fact. Where I am in ministry now, I absolutely love it because it's not inside the four walls, it's really more outside. But what's wonderful about that is that I go into the four walls and I'm happy to go and I'm good with where I am. I have this powerful relationship with my husband, great relationship with God. I know who I am because of what I went through and because I pursued my healing, and so that's what I want to encourage you to do Step out of the realm, step into what it might not look like. Yeah, if nothing changes, nothing changes. If nothing changes, nothing changes, change something, do something different so you can get to you. Because you are, I am my most important investment. Yeah, walk back in and lean in.
Speaker 1:Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically, faith unmuted has allowed us once again to ask ourselves the kind of questions that will help us get to the next level and live this life unapologetically. Your next step head on over to wwwestrogramcom and let me know what your favorite episode is, ask a question or share this with a friend. I can't wait to be with you next week as we dive deeper into redefining what it means to be a Christian woman and redefining what it means to live in our truth.