Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
This is the place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel.
The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham has being in ministry all her life and has felt silenced from all the labels and responsibilities that come from being a pastor's daughter to the unexpected role of being a pastor's wife. This journey has not been easy nor has it been just. Esther no longer wants to hid nor lower her voice.
On this podcast, Esther shares what happens when you use your voice and shares the stories of overcoming the stereotypes and living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
Embracing Divine Worth After Trauma
What if you could reclaim your self-worth after experiencing profound trauma? In this powerful episode of Faith Unmuted, I share my deeply personal story of narrowly escaping an attempted rape and the shadow of unworthiness that followed me. Listen as I recount the immediate aftermath, the overwhelming need to cleanse myself of the feeling of being "dirty," and the terror of facing my attacker again at a youth convention. Through the lens of my journey, I'll explore the crucial role of supportive relationships and positive environments in helping me find the strength to push through and start healing.
Discover the transformative power of self-compassion and internalizing self-belief as I discuss how I began to love and accept myself despite the past. I'll dive into the importance of distancing yourself from negative influences and embracing your divine worth. By sharing my story, I hope to inspire you to reclaim your narrative and live a life of empowerment.
This episode challenges you to redefine what it means to be a Christian woman living in her truth, and we invite you to share your thoughts, favorite episodes, and questions as we continue this transformative journey together.
You are listening to Faith Unmuted. The place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel. The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Speaker 2:Yes, you are enough.
Speaker 2:You are definitely enough. You may say. You know, how could you say that you don't even know me? I may not know you, but I know me and at one point in my life I felt as if I was not enough. I wasn't worthy, you know, and I would take my past experiences and look at it as confirmation as to why I'm not enough. Or I had the words that people would tell me as to why I'm not enough. You've been there. Have you ever heard words like you think that you're this, you think that you're that You're nobody, but this Used to hear that quite a bit. So I struggled with thinking am I enough? You know, my husband would tell me Esther, you're enough, I love you just the way you are. But I didn't listen to that because I thought, oh, you know, he has no reason, but he has to love me. He's married to me, although in reality he doesn't have to. I never shared this before, but I'll share it now.
Speaker 2:I was almost raped. I say almost because I had to fight for my life to get out. I had to fight for not be happening to me and while he wasn't successful, he almost was. He was almost there and just you know, just by the grace of God, honestly, I got away. I was able to run and get away with stuff halfway on, just running, running for my life. And I remember when I got home, it was really quiet. My sister and her husband that's who I lived with at the time they were youth pastors at our church and we had a youth convention going on and I quietly went home and I went and I took a shower and I remember just scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing because I felt so dirty and I felt why, what did I do to deserve that? And this is what I'm not enough, I'm not worthy. You know, the life that this is, this is going to change my whole life. What do I do? Who can I tell? And once again, I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone and I took a shower for probably a good hour and I got dressed and I went to our youth convention and I sat in the very back listening somewhat to everyone talk. And I'm seeing it right now and I'm just sitting there feeling worthless, really Feeling that I did something to bring it on, to make that man attack me the way he did. And can I tell you.
Speaker 2:The other piece of that Is that man that attacked me was in the service and when he saw me there, you know what he said to me If you tell anyone, they're not going to believe you anyway. They're not going to believe you Because look at you, how will they believe you over me? How will they believe you over me? I shut down, I kept it to myself. I told absolutely no one. No, wait, I did. I had a friend and he asked me. He said what's wrong? And I said, wait, I did. I had a friend and he asked me. He said what's wrong? And I said, oh, nothing. And then he kept pushing what's wrong? And I said something happened and I didn't go into detail, I just went into a little and that was it.
Speaker 2:And for years after that I was in a fight to prove that I'm enough and I'm worthy, and what happened to me that day had nothing to do with me. But it's hard when you're in that fight by yourself and you don't share and you don't talk to someone so someone could really reach out and help you and to say, no, yes, you're worthy, yes, you are enough. Have you ever felt as if you've been beat down so much that you're just not enough? Is that? You have you ever felt that way? Or so many things have happened in your life and it's because you're just not enough, you didn't handle this right, you didn't do this right, you wore your shorts too short or this, all these different things that almost like confirms in your mind that, oh yeah, I'm not enough. My school grades aren't that great. I'm suffering in school. I'm not because I'm not enough. My school grades aren't that great. I'm suffering in school. I'm not because I'm not enough. I can't, I can't do this For me.
Speaker 2:I kind of did the opposite. I drove myself into things. I drove myself into school. In other words, I focused on school. I did everything I could to prove that I was enough and I was worthy and that what happened to me wasn't my fault because I am worthy, I am enough. So I made sure that I got good grades in school. I made sure I wore certain types of outfits that totally covered me up and I just looked like, you know, just like a respectable, let's say, person. But when that happened to me, I was still respectable. It wasn't like I was dressed any certain type of way. I guess I was just dressed.
Speaker 2:What I had to do to begin to realize that I'm worthy and that I am enough and I could do whatever I wanted to do, so to speak, is I had to put myself in an environment that spoke life into me. But it didn't happen overnight. I had to find someone that I can trust to talk to, someone who didn't really know me and couldn't judge me. I never said anything to my family because, once again, I didn't want to disappoint my family. You know, I'm the youngest, I'm the one that primarily grew up in the United States, and that was a little bit different for my family because I'm the American Good or bad, and something like that should have never happened to me. Why did that happen? What did you do? And when you have a voice from your what's the word assailant? Is that the word Tell you that you're wrong and this was your fault and that no one's going to believe you. You believe yourself like, yeah, what did I do?
Speaker 2:It took years and years to release and know that I'm enough. It took years of not even really having good relationships because I could just never let myself be free, because I was always afraid of that one thing that's going to come and hurt me, that one thing that's going to knock me down further and make me feel as if I'm not enough. I just always felt as if I was just always in a fight to prove who I am. I don't know, honestly, everything that I did. I can't tell you everything that I did to just really get over that feeling, except to say that I just really had to begin to look at myself in the mirror and to begin to love me just as I am. And even when I felt very unlovable, I just had to begin to talk to myself and say you are lovable, you are beautiful, You're this, you're that. And I had to keep speaking it to myself so I could get rid of the negative voices that always told me that I wasn't enough or I think I'm this, I think I'm all that, I think I'm this and you're this and you should be doing this. I had to really work on that because I didn't realize until later in life how much it affected my whole being. If you're in a place to where you're feeling as you're not enough, you're feeling as if you're just not worthy, I want you to do an inventory of your life and begin to look at those places where you have been great, because there's some things that have happened to you that have that has nothing to do with you, has everything to do with the person. I had to begin to look at myself and say this is who I am. I had to begin to look at myself and say I love you, esther. I had to tell myself who I am so I could begin to believe it and so it could honestly get down in my DNA. And it didn't take just like boom, boom, boom. No, this was a work in progress and I still honestly work on it now, maybe not as much as I used to.
Speaker 2:As I go through this whole journey, there's just so much I realize that I haven't talked about and I haven't really shared because I was still like protecting myself. There's always the fear of judgment. There's always the fear of being rejected. I'll give you an example my family they didn't really know that was almost raped what I did after that and I went away to college because I was a senior in high school when this happened. I went away to college. I had a friend that was raped and so I got involved in rape victims because I know how it felt. I know how it felt to not be believed. Although I never shared it, my heart goes out to anyone that's been raped or abused by anyone family member, church member, man on the street, whatever it is Because what happens is that you go through a whole cycle of not feeling enough.
Speaker 2:You go through a whole cycle of not feeling enough. You go through a whole cycle of not feeling worthy. You go through a whole cycle. And if you're that person, and for whatever the reason that you may not feel as if you are enough, I'm here to tell you that you are enough. You're here on this earth and I'm sure that you can look at your life and you could do an evaluation, and there's great things that prove to you that you are enough, that you are worthy, because the one thing I do know is that God does not create anything that's not enough or not worthy. I think that we just have to get to where we realize it ourselves and that we can act on it, and so begin to look at yourself in the mirror and begin to see your beauty.
Speaker 2:One of my favorite scriptures I have several that I love, but it motivates me, it encourages me every time is that I'm made in the image of God and so when I look in the mirror, I see God. When you look in the mirror, you see God because you're made in his image. And when you see yourself, then you know that you are worthy, that you are enough and there's nothing that you cannot do. And your past is your past and you use what has happened in your past to build on it and to move on to create a great future. Your past to build on it and to move on to create a great future. So if you haven't started to feel that as yet, and if you're saying I'm still stuck there, let's talk about getting unstuck. Yeah, let's talk about how you can.
Speaker 2:When you hear those negative thoughts about your worthiness, and if you're enough or not enough that you can stop and say, wait a minute, I am enough, and begin to look at where you are enough. See, don't allow someone else to define your enoughness or your worthiness. You define it. I always like to say it's between me and God. That's really who it's between, that. I partner with God, we partner together and we define my worthiness and my enoughness and all of these other things. And when that happens, that's when it's all good, all good.
Speaker 2:Begin to see yourself in a different light. Look at yourself, smile, move your hair back, see your beauty, know that you still have something to offer others. You're enough. You were born enough From the moment that you were knitted in the womb of your mother. You were enough then. You are not a mistake. You have a purpose. So begin to look in the mirror and begin to see you, just like this. Just see you and see your worthiness. You begin to believe it about yourself first before anyone else can believe it. You believe it about yourself first and then make a decision that when people are speaking to you and they're not speaking to you in the right tone, the right manner, they're making you feel less than that's a conversation, that you have the right to stop and say, no, I can't listen to that, that's not who I am.
Speaker 2:Those are some of the things I did. I removed myself from conversations, one of the places that I places that I didn't feel as if I was enough. And really, in some areas right now, I really realized that just a couple of weeks ago that I still, at some parts, you know, still feel that way. That was in ministry. I just felt as if I wasn't enough and, honestly, truth be told, I feel as if I'm a failure in ministry. I feel as if I'm a failure in ministry. Let me just say that. It's like saying it out loud and you just get it off. This is how I feel, that I'm just not enough enough. But the truth is I am enough and I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing in ministry.
Speaker 2:It may not look like everybody else, and what I've made the mistake in I've made the mistake in comparing myself to what everybody else is doing, and comparison is not good. That's the not good at all. I can't remember the words I want to say with it, but comparison is not good. And so I would compare myself to everybody else, and so that would derail me and that would make me feel not enough, because I saw them as more than enough, and so I stopped comparing myself. There's some things I would not look at, I would not listen to, because I had to begin to see myself as being enough.
Speaker 2:And that is what you have to do. Stop comparing yourself. Begin to see you, begin to see your beauty, begin to see what you were created to do, what is your passion. Begin to do that. Begin to see you and take your past. As you look at your past, don't take your past as a mistake, but take your past and say it's because of what I've gone through, it's because of that journey that's allowed me to be who I am today. And if you're saying to yourself, well, I'm not everything I want to be, I'm just not in a good place right now, it's okay. Begin to speak to yourself, because we all go through that, but know that you are enough and you get to choose what you want to be, and you get to choose when you're going to make that shift. And I want to say don't stay there, make that shift right now. Make that shift right now.
Speaker 2:I'm still working through the ministry piece, but I'm getting so much better and feeling oh yeah, this is it, this is enough, I am enough, I can do this. But I have to keep telling myself that every day and I have people around me that speak life into me. I don't allow people who don't speak. I don't need anybody to hump my how do you say? My ego. I don't need that. I don't need that. But what I do need, and what you do need, is someone to always believe in you and to speak life into you. But if you're not around anyone like that, you be your investment, you be your promoter. You believe in yourself, you do it, you do it. Believe in yourself, believe that you can get it done, believe that you are enough. And when you believe it in your mind, it gets into your heart and so it is you are enough.
Speaker 1:Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically. Faith unmuted has allowed us once again to ask ourselves the kind of questions that will help us get to the next level and live this life unapologetically. Your next step head on over to wwwesthergramcom and let me know what your favorite episode is Ask a question or share this with a friend. I can't wait to be with you next week as we dive deeper into redefining what it means to be a Christian woman and redefining what it means to live in our truth.