Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
This is the place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel.
The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Esther Graham has being in ministry all her life and has felt silenced from all the labels and responsibilities that come from being a pastor's daughter to the unexpected role of being a pastor's wife. This journey has not been easy nor has it been just. Esther no longer wants to hid nor lower her voice.
On this podcast, Esther shares what happens when you use your voice and shares the stories of overcoming the stereotypes and living unapologetically.
Faith Unmuted With Esther Graham
Breaking Free from Emotional Silence
Have you ever smiled through church service while your heart was breaking? Kept your emotions bottled up until you could find a private moment to cry? That was my reality for years.
Behind the facade of a perfect life – loving children, supportive husband, active church involvement – I was drowning in unexpressed emotions with nowhere safe to release them. I'd cry alone in my car, compose myself to appear "together" in public, then break down again in solitude. The emotional suppression was suffocating me from within.
My journey toward emotional authenticity wasn't easy. Years of having my feelings dismissed with phrases like "you'll be fine" or "dry your tears" had created deep trust issues. When people used my vulnerabilities against me, I built higher walls. I questioned if I was being hormonal, failing at being a "good Christian woman," or simply broken. The truth was simpler: I wasn't allowing myself to acknowledge or express genuine feelings.
The transformation began when I realized I didn't have to sacrifice my emotional wellbeing for others' comfort. Through personal development and what I call "the journey back to me," I discovered that my feelings were valid. Expressing them didn't make me less faithful or loving – it made me whole.
This path cost me some relationships. People who preferred the self-sacrificing version of me couldn't handle my boundaries and honest expression. But what I gained was immeasurable: deeper connections with those who stayed, a stronger sense of self, and a life that finally felt authentically mine.
Your feelings are valid. You are worthy. Embracing your emotional truth isn't selfish – it's essential for living the life you were created for. Are you ready to stop hiding?
You are listening to Faith Unmuted. The place where Christian women get the opportunity to press the button and say what they want, how they want and exactly how they feel. The one place where, together, we can collectively walk through our truths, live unapologetically and stop hiding.
Speaker 2:So I have the best life right now. I have a great relationship with my children, my adult children so good, it's so delicious. I have an awesome relationship with my grand loves. I have a wonderful marriage with a man that I just absolutely adore. But that's my relationship that I have right now. Like, right now I'm in a space to where I'm happy with me. I know who I am. Does that mean that everything is going perfect in my life? Absolutely not, but I'm happy with me.
Speaker 2:But it wasn't always like this. There was a point in my life to where, honestly, I was very resentful of my husband, my relationship with my kids they were good, but they could have been better. My relationship, my household everything was good. Church, it was good, but it could have been better. You know, I often talk about how I would spend a lot of time crying at this phase in my life where I was just feeling lost. I had all of these emotions, things tied up in me and I just wasn't sure how to get them out. Honestly, I couldn't go to church and talk about it. I couldn't even really go to the altar, because everybody's looking at you, you know, and why is she up there, and you know what's going on with her, why is she crying? So I kept all of my emotions. I kept all of my feelings inside, all of my hurts and my pains. I just kept it inside. I had nowhere to go. I felt as if I did not have a safe space. I didn't have anyone that I could really talk to and tell them exactly how I felt. And if I did tell somebody how I actually felt, it was not done in a nice way, like I would just, I would just go off. I was like a walking time bomb because I had nowhere to put my feelings, nowhere to share my emotions. You know, and it wasn't anybody else's fault, it was all my fault, really, because I had trust issues. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't trust that I could tell you that I really don't like this, or I really don't care for this, or this is what I'm doing. I couldn't trust you, and so I kept everything to myself.
Speaker 2:And I remember, when I would be alone and I'm having this emotional turmoil, that I would just sit, sometimes driving, and just crying. I remember I tell a story about how I used to cry going to church every Sunday morning, you know, because my husband would go ahead of me. I didn't want to ride with him, I just wanted that time to be by myself, so I could be by myself and scream and holler and do whatever I wanted to do, because I had all of this stuff just tied up in me and I would cry all the way to church, get to church, you know, and pet my eyes and walk in and smile and show up because we got to look good on the outside. I could do that, I could smile and I look pretty on the outside, and then I would greet everyone after service and then I would leave and get in my car and cry all the way home.
Speaker 2:Who do I talk to? Where do I go and say I'm just really angry? No, I'm not angry, I'm really pissed off about this. I didn't like what happened here. This is what's going on with my children. This is what's going on with my son. This is what's going on with my daughter. This is how I feel about this. This is how I feel about my spouse. This is how I feel about church. This is how I feel about my spouse. This is how, you know, I feel about church.
Speaker 2:Anything, nowhere to go. Have you ever had it where you just have nowhere to go, nowhere to go. I couldn't call a girlfriend and say you know what? I'm really angry about this? Because I couldn't trust a girlfriend to say this. I've trusted people before and I've told them how I felt about stuff, and then they used it against me. So why would I trust again? Why would I trust again? You know my husband is busy with what he's doing. You know he's doing great work, job, everything, and so he doesn't really have time to talk to me. And even so, will you understand what I'm saying? You know, you ever had it. You try to share something with your spouse and they're like, oh, you'll be fine, it's going to be okay, and that's all you get. But you're like, no, it's not okay. No, this is how I'm feeling about this. This really hurts.
Speaker 2:Now, remember, for a long time I just went through a period in my life that it just wasn't good. I remember when, you know Jonathan, that's my husband called and said Esther, you know, I feel like if God is calling me into ministry, and I just became angry because I thought, oh, my God. Now here's another area that we're going into and once again, esther has to be quiet. Esther has to show up. Esther has to keep her emotions to herself, how she feels herself. Who do I talk to and say I don't want to be in ministry, I don't want to be that pastor's wife, I'm just struggling being a wife married to a military man that's gone all the time. I'm struggling with friendships because I haven't had a girlfriend that I could really talk to and trust and say hey, or a girlfriend I could say, come on, let's just go have a cup of coffee, let's go drink a glass of wine and not feel judged. I've gone through a lot of my life to where I've just felt judged by people, felt judged by even family members. Judgment here, judgment there. They talk about a no judgment zone. I used to be like, yeah, what's a no judgment zone? Who's that safe space that I could say? This is what's happening in my life. This is how I'm feeling about this. This is what I want to do. This is what I don't want to do.
Speaker 2:I spent a lot of time crying Many times. I would wait till Jonathan would get up and get dressed and leave and the kids would be gone and I'm alone in the house and I would walk around the house and I would just be crying, just crying and crying and sometimes screaming, because I had so much emotions and so many things built up inside of me. I was feeling so unhappy at one point and no one knew. No one knew because I didn't show it. They could sense some things. They could sense, oh, mom's not in a good mood, or you know what's going on. You know, because sometimes I just had that mix and it wasn't hormonal, wasn't that? Because, you know, sometimes we just want to blame hormone. Oh, it's the hormones. It's that time of month? No, it's not. It's not. These are the emotions. These are the things I have tacked up. I will never forget.
Speaker 2:I was at this church one time and I was sitting there and I was listening to what the pastor was saying and I just sat there with just tears, just rolling down my eyes, and I went up. I thought I'm going to go up. These people don't know me. I'm going to go up and I'm going to pray. And I went up and tears just began to flow and I stopped and I looked around and I felt as if people were looking at me and then all of a sudden I felt judged again, like let me just dry my eyes. And someone came up to me and said dry your tears and we'll just talk later. What so used to being told dry your eyes, we'll talk later. Dry your eyes, it'll be okay, you're going to make it. It hurts.
Speaker 2:I wanted somebody to recognize and say I'm hurt, I have feelings and it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel. It's okay for me to have this emotion. I don't have to suppress it. I don't have to hide it. It's okay to say I hate this. Sometimes people say, well, hate is such a strong word. No, there's just some things that I just hate. I don't dislike it, I just hate it. I don't want to lie to myself anymore and say, esther, you're okay. I didn't want to lie to myself anymore and say you shouldn't be feeling this way because that's what you shouldn't feel. That way, no one could tell you how to feel your feelings or your feelings. You shouldn't feel this way. I don't want to hear that anymore because, while I shouldn't feel this way, the bottom line is I am feeling this way. The bottom line is I don't like that. The bottom line is I don't care for her or like her. The bottom line is I hate what's happening right now. The bottom line is I'm going into a state of depression, yeah, and I could quote the scriptures and I do, and I could say all of these different things, but you have to have someplace, a safe space, where you can talk. Yeah, now I'm good because I have the tools, had to go through a lot of personal development so I could go back. I call it the journey back to me. I had to go back and rediscover who I was so I could live and not die. And when I say not die, I mean it dying on the inside, just dying. Have you ever had it to where, like you know, you're just so unhappy? You've got all these pent up emotions, you've got some trauma that you haven't dealt with and, as a matter of fact, you're not allowed to deal with it because nobody wants to talk about it, no one really wants to hear it. Everyone just wants you to suppress it. Yeah, and at one point it was so bad that I really did think it was my hormones. I said, well, maybe I am hormonal, maybe I need to get some pills to put some things into balance or into harmony, you know for me, and I discovered it had nothing to do with my hormones. It had everything to do with how I was feeling emotionally. Yeah, I needed a safe space. I needed someone to say you can talk to me and your feelings are your feelings and it's okay to feel that way. It's okay. I needed someone to say it's okay to be angry. I would never forget that.
Speaker 2:One time I was so upset with my husband because I felt as if he just didn't show up for me in a situation. I felt as if it was Esther, hold your emotions together. I felt as if it was. I remember feeling so angry about that. I felt as if he took everyone else aside and everybody could go and talk to him about how they were feeling and he would listen and be there for them, but for me I couldn't do it. I didn't feel safe to do it. I felt as if he would tell me you know, come on, pull it together. And I remember this one situation and we were talking and this couple were there and they were just like going off and they were talking about me and I just sat there in disbelief and finally and my husband is listening and I finally felt, well, he's not going to speak up for me. So let me speak up for myself. And so I did. And I let him have it Like boom, and I really felt as if I disappointed him and I felt as if I disappointed myself and I felt as if I disappointed God. And of course they went out and they told everybody what I said to them and how I behaved and all of that. And they never told anybody what they did, how they spoke to me. So of course I've got trust issues, because I always felt as if how I felt just wasn't validated, felt as if how I felt just wasn't validated.
Speaker 2:And when that particular situation happened, the next day I had to fly out to go on a business trip and I was so happy because it gave me time. I was going to be gone for two weeks and it gave me time to sit in how I was feeling. Jonathan, he didn't know what to do and I really didn't want to talk to him because what he didn't know is how I felt, that I couldn't tell him how I was really feeling. I began to take the time to lean in to my anger. I began to realize that you know what my feelings are, my feelings and I could not deny them anymore. And, honestly, that's when I jumped into personal development.
Speaker 2:That's when I had to jump in and say, look, I've got to figure out a way to be healed, because I cannot live with myself like this anymore. You got to make a decision. You got to decide that it's okay to feel the way you feel. No one can tell you how to feel, no one could tell you how to feel, for you to live the life that you were created to live and for you to be in joy. I have a saying. You know I you know, as I said, I believe in Jesus. I believe that he died on the cross. That's just my belief system. And since he did it, I don't have to die for you, so I don't have to die for my husband. I don't have to die for my children so they could be happy. I don't have to do that. It was already done.
Speaker 2:What I have to do is embrace how I'm feeling and accept how I'm feeling, and accept me, for me, and know that my feelings are okay, your feelings are okay. So I want to tell you embrace how you feel, find a safe space, find that person that you can truly trust to, where you can share your emotions with. And let me tell you, that's hard, because it was hard for me. I have it now. I've got a safe space where I could say this is, you know, I'm pissed off about this or I don't like this? This is how I feel about this, very vocal and I say exactly what I'm feeling. I'm very vocal and I say exactly what I'm feeling. And since I've been doing that, since I show up now for me, I show up for Esther. My relationship is so much better with my husband, my relationship is better with my children, my relationship is better with my employees because, trust me, I show up for me and I don't deny my feelings. Girl, don't you deny yours either. Don't do it. It's not worth it. Your feelings are validated. You are validated, you are worthy.
Speaker 2:And what I realized for me is I didn't have to sacrifice myself so somebody else could feel good about themselves, so somebody else can be happy. I won't do it anymore. I won't do it anymore.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's a hard road and we're taught so much to give up everything so somebody else could be happy. Don't do it. Don't do it anymore. You truly want to be happy. Don't do it. Don't do it anymore. You truly want to be happy, you know you truly want to feel good about yourself.
Speaker 2:Jump into some personal development, discover who you are, rediscover who you are and embrace who you are and embrace your feelings and embrace your emotions and say, yeah, this is who I am, this is who I want to be, that's who I am today. That's who I am today and I won't compromise myself anymore. I won't do it because it's not worth it. It is absolutely not worth it and because, by the way, I've now embraced who I am. Now I embrace my feelings and I speak my mind. I do it nicely, I'm nice.
Speaker 2:But I've lost some friends because they couldn't handle the real me. They enjoyed being around the fake me. They enjoyed the person that would sacrifice everything so they could be happy and they could feel good about themselves and all of these wonderful things. So I've lost some friends, but the true friends are still with me. The true friends really like the authentic Esther. The true friends are like oh yeah, you've helped me to share my own feelings, you've helped me to embrace who I am, yeah. So when you decide that this is how I feel and you begin to embrace it, your life will get a lot better. But remember that you may lose some friends and it's okay for the friends that you lose, because you'll gain so much more for yourself. Your feelings are validated, your feelings are true. Go ahead and embrace your feelings, embrace how you feel.
Speaker 1:Wasn't that episode amazing Living unapologetically. Faith Unmuted has allowed us once again to ask ourselves the kind of questions that will help us get to the next level and live this life unapologetically. Your next step head on over to wwwesthergramcom and let me know what your favorite episode is Ask a question or share this with a friend. I can't wait to be with you next week as we dive deeper into redefining what it means to be a Christian woman and redefining what it means to live in our truth.