Tennis Talk 101
A tennis talk podcast, talking about all things tennis from many years of experience travelling the world, we are trying to help educate parents, players and coaching from first hand knowledge.
We will be giving our opinions on all things tennis and always holding people to a high standard
Tennis Talk 101
Episode 1: Tennis Parenting Uncovered
Hey guys, welcome back to the Tennis Talk 101 podcast, and today we're going to be starting our little mini-series on tennis parenting. So stay tuned and the first episode will be coming up very shortly. Hey guys, welcome back to the Tennis Talk 101 podcast, and today we're going to be starting our little mini-series on tennis parenting. Hopefully we can shed a little bit of light and help educate a few of the parents out there on the pitfalls of what it is to be a tennis parent and also the roles of tennis parents. So we're going to take a little bit of a dive into what it really means to support your child through the ups and downs of junior tennis. In this series, guys, it's all honestly about trying to help you parents navigate the unique challenges of raising a young tennis athlete Basically not to just become a tennis player but to become a much better person. And through all my experiences of traveling the world, coaching and dealing with many, many parents and and the ups and downs that parents go through, we're dealing with this minefield that junior tennis can be. I'm hoping that we can shed a little bit of light and also try to educate and help you guys in any way we can to start the journey that the junior tennis phase is, and hopefully you guys can get something out of this. And again, this is just honestly, a little bit of education from all the experience that I've had over 25 years of coaching at the elite level and also playing myself for many, many years and seeing so many parents go through this journey and it is a tough journey, let me tell you, especially when you've got a child that wants to be a good tennis player, head overseas and play, even go to college or play on the pro tour. It's a tough journey and it's something that I know there's not a lot of education out there, and especially for first-time parents that have their child in a sport like tennis and they have no experience themselves in actually playing the game. I'm hoping to shed a little bit more light and try to help as many parents as I can understand what their role is in their child's tennis journey, what their role is in their child's tennis journey.
Speaker 1:I think, to start this off, it's a question that doesn't always come with clear answers and that's something that is tough for a coach to actually go through and ask a parent to understand what their role is with their tennis journey or their child's tennis journey, because tennis is a really emotional sport. It's not just for the players, but it's super emotional for all the parents as well, because you guys get out there and you travel a lot, you spend a ton of money on kids' lessons and tennis gear and all that type of stuff and I totally understand how involved you need to be to get your kids to the elite level. But there also is a line that I see that gets crossed a lot and that's something that I always like to talk to parents about. It's the role of a parent in their child's tennis journey. If you are not or haven't come from a massive tennis background, I will ask this question straight away. If you haven't played tennis at the elite level or you've never coached at the elite level, then how can you coach your child to the elite level of the sport with zero knowledge or zero information of how to do that previously? And that's why understanding and getting help from a tennis coach that's been there and done that. There is many, many great coaches out there that would be more than willing to help parents and players get to the next level.
Speaker 1:But sometimes the biggest problem is the parent wants to do a lot of it themselves, which is fine. I totally understand that parents have to get out there and they have to do some feeding and some drilling and all that type of stuff. I have nothing against that. But the biggest thing is, at the end of the day, are you a parent? Do you push or do you step back? Do you offer advice or let the coach handle everything? How involved is too involved? Well, that's what we're going to talk about today.
Speaker 1:What is your role as a tennis parent? How do you create a healthy parent-player dynamic, the fine line between support and pressure, and how to be steadily positive, a steady, positive presence in your child's needs, no matter what the scoreboard says? So the first thing I would like to to get underway with is understanding your role. The big thing is, if there's one truth every tennis parent needs to hear and this one's a tough one you have to understand you are not your child's coach, you are their parent first, and that's something that I would challenge every parent on.
Speaker 1:As a parent myself of a little girl that loves tennis, I can tell you my relationship with my daughter is way more important than any tennis ball she'll ever hit, and I see so many parents ruin their relationship with their child because they're overzealous and they go way too far coaching their kids. So all of a sudden, they step into this role of being their child's coach instead of actually being their parent first, and that's a massive pitfall that I see I would. I would challenge any parent to ask themselves that question what's more important to you? Your, your relationship with your child or your child's tennis? And I know which one I would answer. And it's not tennis, and I love tennis more than anything in this world and I've been involved in this sport for a very long time. But speaking from experience and watching so many parents go down this path and ruin their relationship with their kids just because of the yellow tennis ball is not a really good thing. So, as parents, your role isn't to fix their forehand or to analyze their matches or to do their match strategies. Or to analyze their matches or to do their match strategies.
Speaker 1:If you haven't played or hit a ball at an elite level, let the coach coach Seriously, guys, because I can tell you, every parent out there and this is a tough one again not one of you parents would have somebody come into your profession, your job, your career that has got zero knowledge of what you do. You would not take advice from them in any way, shape or form. But it's funny when a child gets to a level in this sport, every parent all of a sudden becomes an absolute master tennis coach, and it's something that absolutely drives me insane, because you know where it's heading. You know what's going to come. There's going to be a fractured relationship at some point because at some point you're going to have to push your kid, as in, you're going to have to be their coach. Well, that's what you're putting yourself in that role as, instead of being their parents. So again, I'll challenge you guys.
Speaker 1:If you've never hit a forehand like your kid hits a forehand, you've never played at the level of your child. Then how do you know what it feels like for them to be on a tennis court? How, ask yourself that question? How do you actually know what it feels like to move on a tennis court like them if you've never had to play at their level? If you've never played at that level, it is very hard to coach, because tennis is a game of feel. So again, I'm going to challenge you parents. You would hate someone to come into your profession and tell you how to do your job. Start to think about how your kids feel when they know they may not tell you, but they know you cannot hit a ball like they do. They know you cannot move like they do. They know you've never played at the elite level. They know you've never played at the elite level. So ask yourself would you put your child in front of a coach? Or would you employ a coach that had your knowledge of tennis? And if the answer's no, well then why are you trying to be their coach? That's just something that I see all the time and it drives me absolutely nuts.
Speaker 1:I think the big thing that you've got to understand is here's some of the roles that I've written down. It's a breakdown of roles. The coach is there to teach, guide and correct the technique and tactical side of the game. The parent is there to love, support and nurture the person behind the player, and that there in itself is massive. The parent's should be to support. I've seen so many parents absolutely lose their crap over matches that their kids lose, but the kid has actually gone out there and worked their butt off and tried as hard as they could, but they lost, but they're still getting frustrated and mad at the loss. So ask yourself again are you their parent or are you their coach?
Speaker 1:The biggest thing is obviously, when those roles get blurred. The parent-child relationship suffers massively. So does the child's relationship with the game of tennis, because they're starting to actually feel that tennis is the problem. And I honestly can tell you guys from many, many, many experiences that I've had with fractured parent-player relationships over the years, it's something that's massive. You've got to ask yourself what's more important my relationship with my child or me being their coach and pushing them super hard to get to an elite level? Me being their coach and pushing them super hard to get to an elite level? Because, let me tell you, junior tennis is one of the few sports where parents often become deeply involved, because they've got to travel to tournaments, they sit courtside and they're sharing every single match, the highs, the lows, the ups and the downs of everything that their kid does, the ups and the downs of everything that their kid does. It's so important that you are supportive of your, of your, your kids massively important and to build a positive parent player relationship.
Speaker 1:The big thing is you need to let your child lead the journey. If your child goes out there and really doesn't want to be playing tennis and doesn't want to work as hard as they have to to get to the elite level, then maybe you have to have a look and see if the motivation is really there, or is it the parent motivating the player? Now, if you've got more motivation to get down to the tennis courts than your kid does, then there's a little bit of an issue there. If the kid is not pushing you, you need to start to think about why. Maybe at some point the kid doesn't actually love the sport as much as you think they do, or they don't want to play it at the elite level. So when they get to an age, you've got to let your child lead the journey. They've got to lead their own journey At some point.
Speaker 1:If you're pushing constantly, let me tell you there's going to be a massive fall with the relationship you have with your child. You need to really also separate your role from the results. Your job is to support, not evaluate. Whether they win or lose, your love and pride should never change. It should never change. Just because they lose doesn't mean you love them less. Just because they win doesn't mean that you love them more. And again, this is just from my experiences.
Speaker 1:If you don't agree, that's fine, but let me tell you I've seen it many, many, many times, many times, and most of the parents that will be listening to this have probably only been involved in the sport for maybe 10 years, maybe. I've seen it over many years, well over 35 years of being involved in this sport since I was five, many years. So you've got to have a really good long, hard. Look and see. Are your kids really wanting to do this, or is it the parent wanting to do this? And that there in itself, I've seen many times it's more the parent than the child that actually wants to work and be at the tennis courts all day, every day. You need to be a steady presence. Tennis is so full of highs and lows. Your child needs one person in their corner who is constant, no matter what happens. And that. There is something that I have to say no matter whatever happens with my little girl, if she wants to go down the path of being an elite tennis player, great, I'm more than happy to support her and I will be a constant support of her, a positive support of her, no matter what she does, and I couldn't care less if she goes down this path and either succeeds or doesn't succeed, because I know the journey that I've been on with tennis and where it's taken me, and what I've done and what I've seen is just amazing. There is so many avenues in this sport than just being a professional tennis player.
Speaker 1:I think the next little thing I want to talk about is the balance between support and pressure. Every tennis parent wants to support their child 100%. I totally agree with that. But honestly, sometimes support can feel like pressure without meaning it, and that's what you've got to understand, guys. Here's the difference. Support sounds like I love watching you play. Pressure sounds like you need to win this match or you should win this match, and I've heard many parents over many years with this stupid UTR system that's in in Australia say well, you're only playing um, x, y and z UTR today, so you should win.
Speaker 1:You don't think that's already added pressure. You don't think straight away that the kid is already thinking, if I don't win this, I'll probably be in trouble? The big thing you've got to remember is support empowers these kids and pressure suffocates them. So if you can honestly sit back and take a look at how you're dealing with what you're doing with your kids. Think of how much support you're giving them, which will empower them, and actually understand how much pressure you're putting on them, which will suffocate them.
Speaker 1:You've got to ask do I talk about tennis more than my child does? And if you talk more about tennis than your child does, there's a massive issue there. We're already starting to understand that maybe you're loving the game more than they are, or you're living your goals through your child. You've got to also ask yourself do I feel disappointed when they lose? That's a big one. Think about that. Do I give advice right after a match or do I wait for them to ask? And this is another big one that really frustrates me. I see parents, as soon as their kid comes off the court, they'll be like ah, what did you do that for? How stupid was that? And it's such a negative environment. Instantly, parents need to understand that the kid has already lost the match. They're already feeling terrible. How about you wait for them to come off and deal with their emotions? Let them deal with it themselves. They'll actually build a little bit of resilience dealing with those emotions themselves and then if you've got something to say, wait for them. Wait for them to ask you If you're the one giving advice straight away, maybe you need to take a racket and get out there and do it yourself.
Speaker 1:I've heard so much advice from parents over the years that have never played the game and it actually sounds like they're the next Roger Federer of the world. Go out there and try it yourself and see how hard it is. I've done that on a few occasions where I've had parents complaining about the way their players are playing in squad situations, and I've actually given a parent a racket years ago and said get out here and you show me fed a few balls. The parent couldn't hit a ball to save their life. I said now go back and sit down and let your kid do what they need to do, and you know what? That ended up turning to be one of the best relationships I've ever had with a parent, because they came back after about three or four weeks of really not liking what I said, shook my hand and said that's something I really needed to hear. I needed to wake up to myself and make sure my kid enjoyed tennis first and again. That kid ended up becoming a professional tennis player getting a world ranking.
Speaker 1:It's quite interesting when people take a step back and and take some advice from people that have actually been there and have their kids' best interests at heart and are speaking from experience, not just emotions. If you're more emotional and you're more emotionally invested in the result than your child is, you're really crossing into pressure without even realising it, and that's something. Again, if you guys are way more emotionally invested in the result than your child is, then we have an issue. You have to start to understand that maybe your child really doesn't want to do this sport as much as you want to do this sport. So who are we doing it for? Are we doing it for mum? We're doing it for dad, or is the child really wanting to do this?
Speaker 1:The next thing I want to talk about is how to build a healthy tennis environment at home, because, honestly, what happens at home has just as much impact on your child's tennis journey as what happens on the court, and I can tell you a few ways to create a positive environment. Let tennis be their thing, not the family's thing. Avoid making tennis the centre of every conversation at home and again, this is something that happens at the dinner table table. I've been to people's places where the only thing they talk about is their kids tennis and it will go on for hours and hours and hours. Basically, you're suffocating your kid.
Speaker 1:Remember, if these kids are between the age of 10 to 16 17 they've also got to do things that kids do. Yes, they've got to be invested in their sport if they're going to get to the elite level. I totally understand that and I know it takes a hell of a long time, but at some point the kid has to want to do it themselves. And I see so many kids burn out. I see so many kids leave our sport at 14, 15, 16, and never come back and pick up a racket. But they invested so much time prior to that and they were really good tennis players. But all the pressure and all the constant talk of what they had to do suffocated their love for the sport.
Speaker 1:What you've got to do as parents, you've got to celebrate effort, not just results. You have to praise their hard work, their good attitude and their resilience, not just the wins. Because let me tell you, in this sport there's going to be so many losses that your kids go through so many losses. So praising hard work and good attitude and being resilient, that not only teaches them a massive thing in tennis, in their sport, but also as people. Sports should be teaching these kids to be good people. If they've got a great work ethic, a great attitude and they're resilient, they're going to be good at almost anything they do in their life. So isn't that a massive win.
Speaker 1:As a parent, let me tell you, if my little girl worked her butt off and had a great attitude and was resilient on a tennis court and lost, I'd be stoked because I've seen so many of those kids go out later in their life after their tennis journey and become really good people and successful people, because sport teaches you that. Tennis teaches you that what you've got to do is make tennis one part of their life and not their whole identity. Encourage them to have something, a hobby, outside of tennis until it becomes super, super later on in their career. But I can tell you there's so many players that have other little hobbies that take their mind off tennis, and they need it. Let me tell you At a young age to stop burnout. They need it. So don't just do the one thing over and over again. Let them actually be kids a little bit as well, because burnout is a real thing and we lose so many kids to this sport because of it.
Speaker 1:And I'll ask the parents again if you guys are more motivated to get down to the tennis court than your kids. You need to take a step back and understand that maybe it's not their thing. And the next thing we're going to talk about what your child really needs from you. If you only take one thing away from this little episode that I've done, let it be this your child doesn't need a coach in the car ride home. They don't. Let me tell you they really don't.
Speaker 1:And let me tell you when they get to a level I've had conversations with many kids that and they're too scared to say to their parents that they don't want to hear what they have to say about tennis because they know that they really don't know what they're talking about. And that comes directly from the kids and I know you parents won't want to hear that. I've had many, many, many kids say that they really, when they get to a level, let me tell you, they get 14, 15, 16. There's not one kid that hasn't said it to me. They say I just cannot listen to it because I know they can't hit a ball like me. It's really interesting.
Speaker 1:That's a little bit of advice for parents. They don't need technical advice at the dinner table, they they just don't. They don't need you pacing the sidelines during matches. They don't need you being negative on the sidelines. They don't need you shaking your head when they make an error. So this is something that you need to think about again. What's more important? Your relationship with your kids or you guys being coaches to your children? What they really need is your unconditional love, you guys being emotionally stable, which I see something that that there in itself is massive.
Speaker 1:Seeing parents on the side of the court being so emotionally unstable, how do you think your kids are going to handle that when they're on the tennis court? Unstable how do you think your kids are going to handle that when they're on the tennis court? Not real good. How you guys are off the court is how your kids are going to be on the court, and I've seen it many times. You know how the kids act on the court. You know that happens at home. You know it happens Yelling and screaming. It's just, it's ridiculous. It's something that needs to be looked at. What they need is you believing in them, not just a player not just as a player, I should say, but as a person.
Speaker 1:The big thing is, when you guys focus on those things, you'll give your child the greatest gift any tennis parent can give them, and that's the freedom to fall in love with the game on their own terms. And also you'll give them the freedom to actually fail, because when they fail, if they love it enough, they will learn. They will learn from failure. They will learn what they need to do to not have that feeling again the next time. So I hope you enjoyed that little episode.
Speaker 1:But my final thoughts on this is being a tennis parent is one of the hardest jobs in the sport and I totally understand that and this is just a little bit of an educational thing from a lot of my experience in the sport. It's a really tough thing being a tennis parent, but it is also one of the most rewarding things you can do To see your kids perform, to get better, to improve and to actually see them become so much better people because of playing the game of tennis. It's amazing to see your role isn't to create a champion, it's to create a confident, resilient young person who knows they've loved their love, no matter what happens on the court, and that's a massive thing. So, guys, please have a think about what you guys are doing. Have a think.
Speaker 1:If you're coaching your kids and you guys are fighting about what needs to be done on the court, all you're doing is ruining your relationship with your child. Like I said at the very start, the question needs to be are you their parent or are you their tennis coach? I can tell you which one you are, but that you have to figure out for yourself. So hopefully you got something out of that. Guys. I really appreciate you listening. We'll speak to you later.
