Early Life Reflections Series : Holding a Grudge

Holding a grudge feels like holding a hot coal, waiting to throw it at someone—but you’re the one getting burned. Today, we're talking about the sickness that comes with grudges and the healing that comes with truly letting go. In your OWN time.

Transcript

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So early life reflections have been happening throughout the last couple of months. More specifically with past experiences, recent experiences, the ups and downs and highs and lows. And I did a little something on my social media platforms on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook. That's at Imagine With Leo. And I thought I'd bring it to the podcast. So it's really exciting because... It's a new series that I'm calling Early Life Reflections, and we'll see how it goes. But I'm very, you know, I'm looking forward to sharing this with you. And with you, I really mean with myself. If you happen to resonate with anything that I say, amazing, well and good, keep looking around on the podcast platforms and all my social media platforms. Like what you like. Don't forget to like, comment and subscribe, all that good stuff. But yes, the first thing that I wanted to discuss is on, for those who do not know, I'm also a host of Hashtag I Feel Fine. On 919 Radio with the incredible Chris Jordan. Hey girl, hey. And we were talking about one of the topics that we spoke about for Hashtag I Feel Fine was the battle or the weight of holding a grudge. So I thought I'd bring it to the podcast because I thought it was very, very interesting. And we're mostly discussing like, have you ever had somebody did you wrong? right and then every time you think of that scenario you still feel the feelings that come with the harm that was that was inflicted upon you right so that could be the back of your hair stand up the back of the hairs on your neck stand up it could be your blood boiling it could be increased heart rate it could be even something as shivers it could be you suddenly become very very quiet um or you get a headache you know i'm saying something happens and you have like a biological or physiological response as if like it happened all over again and so often you know everybody has feelings but nobody wants to talk about feelings you know so often we are very hard and holding onto a grudge can feel like In some instances, you're holding a hot coal, waiting to throw it at somebody, but you're the one who's getting burnt in the process. That's also the catch-22 when it comes to understanding the weight of holding a grudge. I don't know if you know, but babes, there are sicknesses, right, that come with holding a grudge. Like I mentioned before, there's like the physiological response that comes from being triggered when you think about said scenario or experience of people who harmed you. You know, even if you just don't think about them and maybe you're in a situation that mimics the same interactions or experience, that can also be very harmful. But the thing is, a grudge is like... It's like a looped playlist of pain that is replayed over and over and over again. And what you're replaying is essentially the negative emotions and you're replaying the past betrayals. And, you know, over time, if not checked, this increases the cortisol levels in your body, yaddy, yaddy, yaddy, yaddy, right? And then this can lead to like chronic resentment, right? And this chronic resentment, it kind of creates this ongoing flight or fight response to the pain that you're going to. And then this can lead to bigger issues like depressive episodes and anxiety and just obsessive intrusive thoughts. And the thought pattern, the obsessive, I should say, thought pattern that comes or that is a part of your healing journey is so exhausting, isn't it? Because I think for me, what's most exhausting is that you want to let go. You want to let go. You want to let go. Because I don't think there's anybody who actually wants to be in pain. Or at least I would like to believe so. So you want to let this go. You don't want this to ruminate. You don't want this, you know... Post-traumatic stress, if I could call it that. You don't want these responses happening. You don't want your mind clinging onto freaking unresolved conflict. But you're still there. You're still motherfucking there. You haven't processed. You haven't gone through the part where it doesn't affect you anymore. And then some might say, you know, is holding a grudge a bad thing? You know, some argue... And we spoke about this on hashtag I feel fine. Some argue that holding a grudge can be a self-protective mechanism. And some might say, how can it be a self-protective mechanism if it's harming you and you're having all of these negative physiological responses? Well, it could be a protective mechanism because it's like reminding you of past betrayals. And because you are reminded of past betrayals and how much harm that was inflicted upon you, hopefully it helps teach you to be more cautious. So it's not necessarily about experiencing the negative emotions, but it's more so remembering. And remembering is more of an importance because it plays a part in reminding you to move differently and to move smarter and wiser. And it's not necessarily about the emotional attachment to the pain. Right. And then some might say, but Leo, do you think that there's ever a benefit of holding on to resentment or does it always harm your well-being in the long run? And I would say, you know, it goes back to what we said before. It's like it's not I think the benefit. I have to be very careful how I word this. Because I know it's going to be taken out of context. But I don't think holding a grudge, in my humble opinion, is about being revengeful or wishing the worst upon people. I think it's a point in time, babes, babes, babes, babes, where you just feel indifferent. You remember what happened to you, but you don't necessarily forgive. And Dr. Romani, a specialist on narcissists, really explains how your healing journey so beautifully, like it doesn't have to involve forgiveness. Indifference, based on my understanding of how she's explained it, indifference is more about forgiveness. Being unaffected by the perpetrator. Or being unaffected by the narcissist. Or being unaffected... The emotional pain that was originally attached to that negative experience. That pain doesn't sit there anymore. Those emotions don't get you heated anymore. But you remember because of the lessons. And also, I do think it's important to mention... There is healing power of letting go. But just because... Because people love to throw this word like, oh, you just have to heal, you just have to let go. But it's easier said than done, y'all. And people are very quick to talk about this whole forgiveness thing. You don't have to forgive. You don't. You don't owe somebody or something. that has had a history of consistently harming you and degrading you, you don't owe that thing forgiveness. And then some might say, oh, but what's the point of holding on to those negative emotions? Like I said before, I think with time, with therapy, with conflict resolution management, you can find ways to manage those emotions, but you're not doing that for the person who harmed you. You're doing that for you. And in my opinion, the greatest form, if we have to, because I know people love to throw forgiveness in this. When we're looking at the weight of holding a grudge, if you have to throw forgiveness in there, I feel like the greatest forgiveness is forgiving yourself for all the things you didn't know. Right? I think when we think of forgiveness, I think it's more so forgiving yourself because your body always knows, right? Your body knows. Your body will know people's intentions before you do. But it's just so many of us have been traumatized and thus have been manipulated into not believing our own intuition and our gut feeling. So I think if we have to throw this whole forgiveness hoopla into the mix, I would say maybe you have to forgive... You don't have to, but hopefully you find peace within yourself to forgive yourself for all the times you didn't listen to the intuition that you were feeling. So all the times you ignored your gut feeling. So all the times you knew you could have operated in a better way, or maybe you didn't know that you could operate in a better way. And the greatest, foremost forgiveness is now ensuring that the harm that was previously inflicted upon you, you never let that happen again. And that is how you forgive yourself. But again, the key word there is yourself. It's about you. It's not about the person who harmed you. And then when we look at this whole letting go and healing, I think it's important to recognize that there's layers to this healing shit, y'all. It's not just one, two, three. No, there's layers to it. You need to accept. There's the acknowledgement of the hurt that you feel. And sometimes this acknowledgement could be in a therapy room. It could be through art, creation, or even something as simple as like sitting in your bed crying and just having a moment with yourself like, okay, this really hurt me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. And therefore, I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure this shit never happens again. Right? And then other times, depending on the severity of the situation, it's something as simple as just like, don't ever let that shit happen again. Sometimes it's just so basic. And then there's also an element of detachment. So letting go isn't about condoning behavior. It's about freeing yourself from it. And then again, the other layer of this whole letting go concept is, like I said before, forgiveness versus indifference. In my humble opinion, true healing isn't always about reconciliation. It really isn't. We've been really sold on this whole, you gotta reconcile, you gotta have closure, blah blah. No one can give you closure, my love. It's only you. Sometimes it's about saying, I don't wish you bad, I just don't care. Your existence is something that will not get in my way anymore. And then, you know, the final part is about, like, maybe shifting perspective. You know, sometimes what we saw as betrayal was really, in some cases, redirection. In most cases, redirection towards something that's better. And when I say better, I don't mean, like, it's healthy to compare situations. But I mean better as in, like, now you're moving in a direction that's more so suited for your soul. Because as my coach says, we are, your body is something that decays eventually, right? It ends. But your soul is something that is continuous. So when you're operating from a soul perspective, you're operating eco. But if you're moving more so from an ego perspective, that's more to do with your body. I hope I explained that nicely. But I think it's about understanding forgiveness is more so about you and it's not about the person. Because most of these people don't even deserve it, if we're being completely honest. And then... It's just the... The other part that a lot of people don't acknowledge, or maybe have difficulties acknowledging, because like I said, we all have feelings, but very few of us actually want to talk about our feelings, is the emotional intelligence to understand or have the art to separate the past from the present pain. I definitely have difficulties with this. Like if something happens, like I'll absolutely ruminate and I'll think about it over and over and over and over and over again. And I think for me, it's about having the self-awareness and I guess the emotional intelligence that like two truths can coexist. Someone may have hurt you and like still brought you joy in some ways, right? Because for the most part, we're not harmed emotionally. Not always, but we're not harmed by people who are complete strangers. So often we are hurt the most by people who we let in. And so the emotional intelligence says learning to separate who they were then from who they become later is very important. And the same goes with you, right? Like who you were in that situation a long time ago is not the same as who you are now with the awareness, with the intelligence, with the experience, etc., etc., And the other part of it is understanding that you need to process things without suppressing. So avoiding painful memories isn't true healing. It's more so avoidance. But true emotional intelligence is about acknowledging pain while choosing to move forward from it. choosing to move beyond it rather than being stuck in it and believe me there's absolutely no condescension in anything that i'm saying as i am saying this to y'all i am repeating it to myself there are so many past heartbreaks that i've experienced in my life and heartbreaks of all different shapes and sizes but like the the what is it called the will to keep going and start afresh is a very daunting and scary thing so i think that's part of the reason why i keep to myself for the most part but i'm actively like trying to try different things um interact with people in various ways and i'm trying not to be stuck because i felt stuck for so long um And it's really scary, if I'm being completely honest. Like, when you realize, like, oh, you've been stuck all these years. Like, you thought you were operating from a place of self-protection, but really you were stuck. It was self-protection in some ways, but in other ways, it's like, it's, I hate when I get in my own way. Like, it's so painful. And then I have to, like, work backwards, like, okay, what were you doing? What triggered this? You know what I'm saying? What was the reason why you were acting like this? What benefit did you get from this behavior? Et cetera, et cetera. And now I'm times out of 10. Speaking for myself, the benefit of the behavior is it was protective. I felt like I was protecting myself until I realized that to some point, to some degree, yes, I was. But it's also time to start afresh. And that's okay. And it's also like okay to not know how to start afresh. That's the other part of it. And then, you know, the other part of emotional intelligence is just understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Some people believe that letting go of pain means reopening doors to toxic relationships. I am not one of those people. I believe that, you know, you can't forgive without reconnecting. Because the goal was never to erase the hurt, but more so to stop it from controlling your emotional state. And that is the fucking difference. But those are some of my reflections when it comes to the weight of holding a grudge. It's something that I continue to think about. It is something that I continue to process. And I am not one to tell somebody don't hold a grudge because part of this healing journey is you may have to go through a phase where you're holding on to the anger. Because, you know, when you're holding on to the anger, it's doing something for you, whether it's a protection mechanism, whether it's helping you validate your emotions, etc., etc. But my thing is, like, it's okay to be upset and it's okay to be angry. Just do not sit in it. And as I am saying this to you, I am repeating it to myself. So yeah, this has been the first episode in the series of early life reflections. It went a lot longer than I had expected, but I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you stay along for the ride and we will, you know, continue to discuss more of the reflections I've been having. Buh-bye!