Projection & Perception: What Others Reveal About Ourselves

In this episode of the Inside Out Podcast, Jojo explores the themes of self-reflection, personal growth, and the importance of relationships in understanding ourselves. She discusses how interactions with others can serve as mirrors, revealing our own insecurities and areas for improvement. Jojo emphasizes the need to take responsibility for our feelings and reactions, rather than blaming external circumstances. Through personal anecdotes, she illustrates the journey of seeking validation and the painful lessons that often accompany growth. Ultimately, the episode encourages listeners to embrace their experiences as opportunities for self-discovery and healing.

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Transcript

Jojo (00:06.958)
Welcome to the Inside Out Podcast. I'm your host JoJo and this is where we'll navigate the mess together that is mental, emotional and spiritual. Let's get into it.

Jojo (00:27.406)
Hi everyone. How are we today? Welcome back to Inside Out. Thanks again for tuning in. I'm so curious what you guys even think of this podcast. So please take a moment, pause right now and go and leave me a comment wherever you listen to your podcasts. Maybe you share this episode with a friend, even though you haven't even heard it yet. Blind trust, right? Or just pause and send an episode that you really loved to a friend. And if you're new to Inside Out, welcome. There are...

several episodes already out. So go and catch up. A little housekeeping, make sure you subscribe to the newsletter. I will be releasing a personal story and part of my journey that I will not be releasing on Inside Out. And everyone who signs up for the newsletter will get that specific podcast episode. So that is in the works, but just wanted to put that out there.

Okay, so this week is a topic that I don't even know what to call it, but I guess in my head it's mirror mirror, like mirror mirror on the wall. And I've been thinking a lot about this where people are showing up in my life and are showing me exactly what it is that I need to be looking at or changing. And it's really interesting because a lot of us go through life and we blame or we point fingers and we

project whatever our circumstances or our beliefs or our systems of processing onto other people rather than flipping the script and looking at ourselves. And this is a tough thing to do because our ego is typically so loud and we don't want to even in the quiet of our own mind or of our own day, apartment, whatever it is when

the voices are voicing, we don't want to look at stuff. We still want to hold resentment or anger or blame that person that maybe brought up this feeling or this emotion. And the more that I look at my own life or the people that are showing up in my life, the more I realize, wow, this really has nothing to do with the person across from me. Whether that be my mom, family members, friends, partner, stuff, you name it, the reality of the situation is that showing up in my life,

Jojo (02:53.41)
so that I can make an appropriate adjustment, correction or assessment on how I can grow and evolve from this or get stuck in a similar cycle or pattern. I always bring these episodes back to relationships because I think relationships are the cornerstone of existence. And who are we without relationships in our lives? We relate to everything around us, whether that's a chair or a door or a person or...

You get the point. Lately, I've been looking a lot back into what I've gone through in interpersonal relationships with friends, with partners, with even just the way I've had a relationship with myself over the years, whether that be negative self-talk or how I've grown and evolved or even just my passions, my hobbies, what interests me, whatnot, but really looking back and figuring out

and understanding it, getting to the root of why. So a few years ago, I was with someone who I did not have the easiest relationship with. And they said something that was very, in the moment, very hurtful. However, in later years, I've realized, wow, that was probably the most profound thing.

that they could have said to me. And I will preface this by saying this person has apologized profusely for what they have said and says they don't mean it. And that it was coming from a place of pain, but that's not the point because the point is they held up a mirror to something that I really did need to look at and change. They said to me, I could never be with someone who constantly is looking for external validation and

someone who needs a man to be validating her to know that she's great.

Jojo (04:56.554)
Ouch, right? That's a pretty harsh statement. Now what's interesting about what this person said is it was very off base and very uncalled for in the context of what we were speaking about, or in this case fighting about. But in the bigger picture of my life, I really was needing validation from external rather than giving that to myself internally. And now I'm at a place in my life

Luckily, and through this statement, that I absolutely do not need external validation from anybody or anything to know my worth. So in a lot of ways, what this person said was a catalyst for a huge pivot and transformation in myself. And this person really held a mirror to something that

while in the moment was not true of that conversation, like I said, in the bigger picture had a lot of truth to it. Now, if we unpack how information finds us, a lot of times it doesn't find us in a pretty package. It's not delivered in the nicest way. It might come out of context. It might be thrown like a freaking curve ball at us where we push it away because it made no sense in that conversation.

But if we're honest with ourselves, a lot of the stuff that comes to us is actually real or actually something that we need to look at. Now, when this was said to me, it was actually said over a message. So I have it in writing and I screenshotted it. And to this day, I still have that screenshot because even in that moment when I took a screenshot of this, which was years ago,

at this point, for some reason, even though I didn't know it then and I thought, wow, this person's so mean, they are so cruel, how could they? And there was so much pain that was associated with what they were saying. And how can you say that out of context? That's just so untrue. What this person said really did foundationally course correct a lot of what I have been shifting and a core wound of mine and a limiting belief that...

Jojo (07:16.034)
we've talked about in the limiting beliefs episode of I'm not enough. And so I need other people around me to tell me I'm enough to know I'm enough. I'm not saying that this person, what they said is right. Cause we can't just be out here spewing things at people and be like, well, I'm right. They needed to hear it. It's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is there's typically, and sometimes there's not like take this with a grain of salt and apply this where it needs to be applied because

Some people are totally off base with what they say and cruel and unusual with their punishment. And a lot of the time, yes, it's not true. I'm taking one very specific example from my life that just happens to be the truth. You know that saying ask and you shall receive. People kind of use it very jokingly or in a more blase.

kind of way like, well, asking you shall receive like something like it might just be like French fries. Like you wanted French fries earlier that day. And then all of a sudden, like someone's eating French fries and like, oh, have them. And you're like, what? Okay. Asking you shall receive. That's a silly example, but you understand the point. The more that I ask for growth, evolution, the ability to handle certain circumstances, I'm not met with ease. I'm not met with, oh, here is what you're asking for on a silver platter.

If you want more patience in your life, I think I've used this example before, but if you want more patience in your life, you're not going to be met with a child that's quietly sitting on the floor playing Legos. You're going to be met with a screaming toddler in your cart at a grocery store that's going to enable you to grow that attribute of patience. If you want more validation from the world, what you're going to be met with is the ability to validate yourself.

you're probably gonna be met with a lot of loneliness, a lot of isolation, lack of attention, so that you are able to evolve that quality again in yourself. So there are people that I've noticed over the last year that have shown up in my life because I'm asking for these things. I'm asking to grow, to change, to strengthen parts of myself that are not stable. And they're not showing up in pretty packages. They're not just...

Jojo (09:36.844)
Here's a calm way of you can change your life. No, they're showing up in painful lessons. There's a core part of me that is very much seeking reassurance and validation from external sources. And that is a core wound that I'm healing, as I said, of the I'm not enough. So whether that shows up in a romantic partnership or a friendship, it's still...

It's still a muscle that needs to be built and it doesn't just change overnight. So recently the situation showed up on my lap where I started to spiral of, my gosh, this person like hates me or is mad at me or whatever story I started going with in my head, which is so typical because I'm asking to strengthen my own resolve in myself. So this happened and it's very

silly story, but I'm going to share it anyway. One of my friends has a life and a career that is very, very, very demanding. And this person hadn't responded to me for a long time. And there's something that we're connected on. And in a way I was looking for maybe validation or reassurance from them or guidance about something specific. And I wasn't getting it, which is funny because I need to, again, give that to myself.

but they had in a way gone a little ghost mode. And that sent me into a complete, my gosh, like what did I do? Or they're not connecting or what is happening here? They're active on Instagram and the entire narrative started to go. And there's a longer process to this story of how I got here, but.

I had ended up talking to a mutual friend that we share and being like, like, what the heck? And they essentially talked me off a ledge. Even with that person talking me off a ledge, I still had that uneasiness in myself. And instead of just quieting the noise and being like, no, this has to do with them. I really started to pay attention to why this is showing up in my life. Why are they not answering me right now?

Jojo (12:01.472)
it's because I really need to strengthen this part of myself. And that is maybe not a way that a lot of people could go about this situation. So I'm just offering a different way to understand why something might be happening in your life. But essentially I ended up reaching out to this person again. And this time it was from a, a not so balanced place.

I will be honest about that. It was very much like, did I do something? Are you mad at me? And that's when they responded and were like, Hey, sorry, like my life's insane. And kind of put that back into perspective for me, but I'm sharing this because this really threw me for a loop and really made me go outside myself to seek that validation and that feedback loop rather than

knowing in myself, I didn't do anything. There is nothing that happened. They are just in their own life, in their own world, dealing with their circumstances, their situations, and they're showing up in my life to show me, hey, Jojo, yeah, over here, you still haven't shifted this. You're still looking for this person.

to come in and say, no, no, it's okay, it's okay. No, you're okay. Like we're not, we're not mad at you. I mean, how, how many times do we do that? Where if we don't hear from someone, we're automatically like needing reassurance. I mean, it happens so much. And I did this too. I needed constant reassurance and friendships and relationships and all that. And it's, it's exhausting because if I didn't get it, my entire

equilibrium of my day is thrown off or weeks or whatever it is until I get that reassurance. And it's exhausting for the person on the other end to constantly having to be instilling that. So why is that in my life to show me, hey, this is an attribute of, you want to change this part of yourself of not needing external validation all the time? Here, here's your friend who's not going to answer you.

Jojo (14:26.04)
Poof, gone. What are gonna do with that? Spiral? Yeah, you are. And it's chipping away at these feelings in yourself of why do I keep going into this repetitive thing if someone's not validating me or giving me attention or whatever? Why does this stir up such a pain point in myself? It's because I still need to change it. And that's really my belief.

of why circumstances and people and problems arise that are in our vicinity, not so that we can fall victim to the pain that we're being caused, but to really elevate and reach that next level of, all right, no, I'm strong in myself and everything's okay. So where in your life are the things that you've been looking at changing or things that you really want to call in? Maybe it's a soulmate relationship, maybe it's

a better job opportunity, a career thing, maybe it's stuff with family, but where are you like, really need to shift this? And then where in your life are you seeing those challenges coming up? Because it's not about, I want to go to the next level with this. You're going to be met with the same resistance until you can overcome it. It's like when you go to the gym, you're going to be

on a certain weight, let's say it's a 60 pound weight, and until you're really strong with that 60 pounds, you can't go to 70. And then it's going to be really tough with those 70 pound weights until you elevate and it becomes easier and you go to 80. And it's very similar with the challenges that come into our lives because if we're still getting super reactive or having the same insecure feelings or pitfalls around that previous challenge,

we can't actually call in what we really want because we're not going to be able to handle it. And I see this in myself when I feel like I'm ready for a relationship again or with my friends who are, really want to like date and then an ex comes back and then we fall privy to that same cycle. Well, it's because you weren't strong enough to keep that door shut and really nail the door shut.

Jojo (16:47.628)
that person came back and you're like, well, maybe it's this. Maybe it's just the universe being like, are you ready? Are you really ready? Because I can't bring in what's meant for you if you're going to still be in the same cycles that you specifically don't want to be in. And that's such a tough thing to wrap our heads around. And I'm in that constant pendulum swing every day with this.

because I look at my life objectively and I'm like, what is happening? Why is this in my life? Or I look at a circumstance or a relationship with someone and I'm like, wow, you are in my life to really show me my own resolve, to show me my own boundaries, to instill my own boundaries, to keep myself steadfast, to keep my energy concealed, to really, really have the capacity to handle what is coming. And that to handle what is coming is not.

Typically gonna be easy. have to, if you can handle 80 pounds, it's because you worked your way up to be able to deal with 80 pounds. If you want that relationship, it's because you worked your way through the tough stuff so that when that person's standing in front of you, you can work through all the stuff that you've had to work through, but it's gonna be more easeful because you know what your triggers are. You know what comes up for you and you don't fall into those same patterns.

and you're able to actually have a beautiful give and take and relationship with someone with healthy communication because you've learned how it is not to communicate from a healthy standpoint and you've overcome that. And then when that person's standing in front of you, it's instilling that same strength, autonomy and ability to handle whatever that situation is with grace and ease.

and not the chaotic way that maybe it would have been in the past. And it's so easy for us to blame. And I said this before, but when we point fingers at someone and say, it's your fault, look at your hand. There's three fingers pointing back at you. What is it in you that really does need to shift?

Jojo (19:04.386)
Because if they're in your life and something is a continuous cycle, it's not because of them. It really isn't. They are holding a mirror and they aren't consciously doing it because they don't know. It's just, that's what the universe decided that that's what their journey in your movie or your life was going to be. They were gonna come here to teach you something, to evolve, to grow, to elevate so that you can handle what is coming. So this is somewhat very simple.

when we apply this to the mass, mental, emotional, spiritual. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, as they are all connected, are going to affect our lives, how we behave, how we respond. And the more that we are able to mentally identify why something is happening or link it to a pattern, or emotionally link it to a pattern and see really,

what those feelings are coming up in ourselves, we can't spiritually get to the next level or call in what we're really wanting until we heal or look at or strengthen those patternings that we have from a core wound or limiting belief or a situation or a circumstance that we keep projecting outward and blaming because our ego gets bruised because we

want to make everything everyone else's fault and not take responsibility. So start taking responsibility for your mess. I always joke about this, but the world is like a Sims game. You are the main character. Everything else is just coming into your sphere to teach you how to grow. And the more that we stop blaming everything around us, because it is typically just an illusion.

It's not really what it seems. The better equipped we are to handle everything that really is supposed to be coming towards us and everything that we really do want and desire because our desires don't come from nothing. They're here for a reason. So the quicker I was able to look at what that person said to me about needing external validation and the more that I was able to really be like, damn, he was right. He really was right. And not place blame or add any

Jojo (21:26.326)
any layer to that, the easier it's been for me to shift it and really evolve. And now I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I do not need anybody else to tell me I'm great or to give me attention to know my worth or what it is that I have to offer. And no, I don't thank him for the package that it was delivered in.

But I thank the universe for the message that came my way. Thank you for going Inside Out with me this week. Make sure you share this episode with a friend. Follow along on Instagram at underscoreinsideout.podcast. Make sure to leave a five star rating. Comment, let me know what you guys think. It's very important. And I can't wait to see you all next week on Inside Out. Have a great week. Bye for now.