Stop Over-Explaining Yourself: How to Let Go of Emotional Weight and Be Fully Seen

Tired of over-explaining and proving yourself? In this episode, Jojo explores how to stop performing and start living in your truth: mentally, emotionally & spiritually.

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Transcript

Jojo (00:07.438)
Welcome to the Inside Out Podcast. I'm your host JoJo and this is where we will navigate the mess together that is mental, emotional and spiritual. Let's get messy.

Jojo (00:26.254)
Happy Wednesday, happy new year. How's everyone's year going? We off to a good start? Is it a rough start? Is it a rocky start? I know my start's been a little interesting. Yeah. Well, anyway, today I wanted to talk about translating our souls.

feel like there comes a point when we realize how exhausting it is to constantly be trying to make other people understand us. We're constantly explaining ourselves, we're trying to soften ourselves, we're constantly just clarifying or justifying, basically just over-communicating. And I find that we're doing this because we don't want someone to get the wrong idea about us. I think for a long time, I believed

that if I could just say the right thing or show up the right way or prove myself enough that people would see me. But what I've learned is that people are always going to have their preconceived notions about you. And that's not because of who we are. That's because of who they are. It's, it basically comes down to their experiences, their wounds, their projections, their unmet expectations.

But for some reason, somewhere along the way, we started carrying that weight. We started carrying the weight of managing narratives, managing expectations, the weight of correcting people's assumptions about us. And for me, I definitely carried the weight of trying to make sure that I wasn't misunderstood. However, I've realized that that's not my weight to bear.

There's a difference on being clear on who we are and also then being consumed on how we're going to be perceived. What I've realized is when your peace becomes dependent on other people's understanding of you, you quite literally abandon yourself. So today I want to talk about it. I want to talk about what it looks like to put that weight down to not having it be your burden to bear.

Jojo (02:52.322)
to stop explaining yourself to people who clearly aren't listening and to stop shrinking, to stop polishing, to stop performing, just to be accepted. I think the most self-respecting thing that anyone can do is let people think what they want to think. And in that, stay rooted in who you actually are. I've always found myself in relationships where I felt like I was translating my soul to someone.

always trying to fit in whatever expectation that they thought that or fit any expectation that I thought that they had of me and trying to be that perfect person, right? Or if there was any sort of disagreement, try to smooth it over in a way that did compromise who I was. Several years ago, I dated someone who

I couldn't have seen the world more different from. And he had a very, very scientific mind and I had a very different background and upbringing, very like spiritual holistic upbringing. But he was very books, numbers, big words. And even the way he communicated, was almost like he used bigger than life words that would go over a lot of people's heads.

and made a lot of people feel very small. I don't know why I dealt with or put up with this sort of treatment, but I did. And it taught me a lot. And one of the main things it taught me is never shrink change or try to prove someone else wrong or to prove who you are to fit someone else's timeline or story or life.

And it was an exhausting relationship because I always felt like I was translating my soul to him. Translating the way that I grew up, translating the way I saw the world, translating what I meant by what I said, translating you name it. And it was often met with a lot of quote unquote research based articles that he would pull up. And instead of just having a conversation with me, he would just give me an article to read.

Jojo (05:17.14)
I kind of look back on that and it's kind of funny to me now, but I really tried so hard in those moments to prove that I was enough, that I was smart, that I was able to like hold my weight. And my God, that relationship really stripped away a lot of self-confidence. But what it didn't do in the time that I was dating this person was let me just be like, you know what?

That's your perception. That's your reality. That's fine, but that's not mine. I fought to prove myself, to show all of these things that at the end of the day were useless. He wasn't gonna change his mind about whatever, however he saw the world. And he shouldn't have to. If that's his reality, he can keep living in it. But where my work was,

was to close that door and find a new pathway and something that aligned with me and to really be with someone who saw me, who I didn't have to keep translating my soul to, who accepted and accepts me for who I am. So that awareness is the first key.

to this whole topic. Then it comes the pattern, where this shows up. Is it in relationships? For me, it's typically in relationships. There was a relationship I had after this person, and no matter what I did, he was always going to project his ex onto me. He was always gonna see me as someone who was gonna hurt him, who was going to go crazy, that he couldn't trust. And no matter how much I showed or did or loved him,

It was never enough. And in the end, I had self-abandoned so much that my response in that was completely over-explaining. And there were fights and they were ugly. Like it got bad because him misunderstanding me translated in my mind as failing. But in reality,

Jojo (07:45.238)
I was in performance mode. I was constantly just like trying to show, show, show, show, show that I wasn't that way instead of just being like, you know what, throw my hands up in the air. All right, fine. You want to see me that way? Cool. It's not my reality. You can think what you want. It took me probably two years to get to that place of being like, you know what, think what you want, say what you want, do what you want. I don't care. I just don't care. But I also needed that.

pattern and that relationship to show up again in my life for me to change it, for me to set a boundary, for me to get out of performance mode, for me to stop trying to translate who I am, what I'm about, for someone else to accept. I stopped performing. There's a lot of emotional weight that comes with over explaining, over performing, over everything, you know? There's anger.

for instance, that comes up with being misjudged. I would get so mad that I was being projected on. I'd be like, how can you think that I'm this way? I've literally done X, Y, and Z. There was the grief that came with it of like all of the care and love that I had put in had just been basically neglected.

and walked all over because I was so focused on showing love than loving. Because the loving thing in that situation to do would have been to leave. Would have been way more loving to myself. I think we forget when we get into these modes of performance and trying to prove ourselves.

or carrying the weight of something that isn't ours to carry, we forget who is number one. We forget who has to take care of who. Your only job is to take care of yourself, is to put down the emotional weight of other people and start walking on your path. There's a lot of freedom that comes when you actually start to release emotional baggage, emotional weight.

Jojo (10:08.044)
dead weight of other people's emotional projections and everything else that comes with trying to prove to people that you're there, that you care, all of those things. Because at the end of the day, we've lived it, we've seen it. It doesn't work. So why do we keep trying? I've had a lot of friendships that I've had to let go of this past year. A lot of people I've had to let go of because of this exact topic. I can't keep.

carrying the weight of other people's expectations of their projections and whatever that they think that I owe them to be. One of the most shocking things that happened this past year was a friendship that actually dismantled. And I'd known this person for about a decade. And what I realized in that is that I'd been holding on

to an idea of how I thought this relationship was gonna go. And the more that I poured into it, the more reliant that person became. And the more changes that I made in my life, the more unstable that foundation felt. And the more expectations were placed on me to show up the same way.

when my whole life was changing. I remember when I made a career shift or when I talked about leaving the city, two comments were made of, well, what about me? And well, that was always my dream, which was a shocking statement to hear. However, I'm never gonna keep myself small because someone else can't rise and neither should you. How many times do we find ourselves, this might get controversial, but in situations,

where let's say your friend just went through a breakup, but you have just met someone. How many times do you feel bad about talking about how happy you are because that other person's suffering and you're gonna carry their burdens and not, you know, talk about where you're at? Or one of your friends has maybe been trying to have a baby and you just find out that you're pregnant. We keep ourselves so small because we're so scared of what other people are gonna do and think and say.

Jojo (12:37.142)
And those are just a few examples and there are very many more that I'm not gonna get into. But why do we keep ourselves boxed in because of other people's lives? You have to live your life out loud. You have to live it in full color. Stop drinking because other people can't handle your magnetism. Stop dimming your light because other people might burn in your sunshine.

We have to step out of projection and into reality and detaching from these people, these situations that really do hold us back or down is a level of self trust and self worth that we need to embody more. Stop explaining. Stop translating. Stop. well, I mean this by that. No, just walk away.

Just throw your hands up and be like, okay, cool. And step into alignment. Step out of chaos and into alignment because your alignment doesn't need defending. Now there are times to speak up and there are times to stay silent. I'm specifically talking about the times when it's time to just stop. Time to stay silent.

and let the world and the life that you're building speak for itself. That's when you step into choosing peace over proving who you are. That's your actions speaking louder than your words. And that's trusting that the right people are gonna find you and they're not gonna need convincing. So take a minute and think about what weight that you might be still carrying that was never yours to hold.

That's going to be uncomfortable. Maybe journal about it, write it your notes app. But really think about that. Where in your life are you still trying to prove to someone that something's a certain way and it's interrupting your peace?

Jojo (14:47.904)
Okay, let's get messy with this mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This kind of encapsulates that question, but let's take it a step deeper. Mentally, where are you over explaining? Where are you over rehearsing conversations that are never going to happen? Where are you trying to control perceptions instead of just trusting your truth? And ask yourself, are you seeking clarity or validation?

Emotionally, what feelings are you avoiding by managing how other people see you? I'll name a few. Rejection, shame, anger, not being enough, not being chosen. Ask yourself, what would you feel if you stopped defending yourself? And are you able to sit in that feeling instead of trying to perform your way out of it?

And spiritually, what happens when you trust that what's meant for you doesn't require explanation? Because it wasn't until this last year that the right people started shifting into place in my life that I realized that a lot of the people that have already been in my life, those relationships only got deeper. And more people stepped in and stepped up and showed me.

where I was doing this still. And not only showed me, but showed me that I didn't need to, that they accept me, that they, they get me, that I, that I am enough. So who are those people for you and what can you do to deepen those relationships? It's a very weighted topic. I guess I didn't even mean for that, but put that weight down.

You don't need to be burdening yourself with other people's anything anymore at all. So I invite you to shed that old reality, step into a new one and share with me on sub stack or in the comments or wherever you listen to this podcast, where it is that you need to make this shift in your life. You guys know where to find me at underscore inside out dot podcast.

Jojo (17:12.664)
Please take a moment, think about three people who could really benefit from hearing this episode and share it with them. Bonus points if you share it on Substack or on your Instagram story and tag, underscore inside out dot podcast. I'd love to see what you guys are having a conversation about. And with that, I will see you all next week. Have a great week. Bye.