Special Book Release Episode

Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief.

This episode explores the newly released book, When Grief Comes Home. We discuss why we wrote the book, how the book can help you in grief and also reveals a little bit about our writing process.

Colleen reveals a LIE she accidentally told on the podcast and we have a little fun talking about the book launch.

Thank you for joining us🤍

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Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Supporting Parents Through Grief and Loss

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello and welcome to when Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:11

I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:15

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program director for Jessica's House and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Brad Quillen 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 0:25

This podcast goes along with a book of the same name. The book when Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child, while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team, as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Brad Quillen 1:01

Today, we're talking about something special. This is a special bonus podcast because today Jessica's House launches a book When Grief Comes Home is out on all major retailers today, as you listen to this podcast. Erin, our executive director, and Colleen, our program director, over the last number of years have put together a tremendous resource for families that have lost a spouse or a child, and today we want to talk about that just a little bit. Erin, this has been a labor of love for you for decades.

Brad Quillen 1:34

I'm going to tell people, because this was something that started after Tyler died, because you read a book about a month after Tyler died you shared with me that helped you so much in your time of need.

Erin Nelson 1:47

It's true, Brad, I read a book and I heard someone speak and they had a loss similar to mine and it really just ignited something in my heart to have a little piece of hope that someday I might be able to come alongside someone else someday, and it really incited just a dream I had to someday write a book.

Brad Quillen 2:14

I know we hear often the loneliness piece.

Erin Nelson 2:17

Yes.

Brad Quillen 2:17

So in that first month right after Tyler dies in a plane crash, and this book was about a spouse that died in a plane crash, which was exactly what happened to you. That loneliness somewhat diminishes because you're reading a book of someone that's gone through something so similar to you.

Erin Nelson 2:33

Yes, it was everything. It's almost like it's a key to your heart that nobody else has, and she spoke my feelings. And she spoke my feelings and I had never experienced that before and just to hear someone talk about a very unique way, that someone died, and I didn't know anyone else in my life that had experienced anything like that. So being able to read and hear her words, it gave me a lot of hope.

Brad Quillen 3:04

Yeah, in a time that was very desolate.

Erin Nelson 3:08

It's true, yeah, in a time I felt very alone. Yeah.

Brad Quillen 3:11

Erin, I know over the years you've written posts on social media and I've had people say to me a lot Erin needs to write, Erin needs to write. So this has been a project that's been going in you and through you for years but kind of came to a culmination, to where you finally started to attend seminars and conferences on actually putting together a book.

Erin Nelson 3:34

Yeah, about 20 years ago I was part of a writer's group and we would bring our writing and just share it with each other and do some critiquing together, and that was a really important time of my life. That was right before Jessica's House was launched and in many ways, I was just getting ready to launch Jessica's House and trying to figure out what our community needed and being able to be part of that. I met someone who was an agent at an agency for authors and then just fast forward, just a few years ago that I saw her at a book conference and I was able to connect with our agent, Wendy Lawton, and she really believed in this project and it meant so much to me.

Brad Quillen 4:25

And people might be asking well, 20 years ago, but now it's 20 years later, but you started Jessica's House, this grief center that we sit in today, that helps hundreds and hundreds of kids here in the Central Valley of California. You kind of had to put the book writing on the back burner, but now you've had some space to write and Colleen came on staff and you guys were able to kind of start putting this together and Colleen, t here's some unique pieces of this book that supports parents and children. Do you want to take a couple minutes and just kind of address some of those and share those with those that are listening?

Colleen Montague 4:55

There are a lot of books out there on grief that are written to an adult who is grieving, or to an adult for how to support their child who's grieving, and so what makes our book unique is that it actually does both in one.

Colleen Montague 5:13

It's written to the parent who is grieving and speaks to them and offers a little bit of wisdom, if you will, just from the experiences we've had and we've seen and learned from, but it also helps the parents know how to support their child who's grieving, and so that's what makes our book very unique. The other part of our book that I appreciate is that you're not just reading the experience of only Erin or only myself, but we weave in the stories, the hundreds of stories we've heard over the years of supporting families, into the book as well. So really you're hearing the experiences of so many because, as we know, everybody's experience is different. Everybody's grief, looks and feels different, and so I'm grateful that we were able to do that in the book, because you might be more able to find yourself in some of those stories you read.

Brad Quillen 6:14

Yeah, I think it's a collective work because there's so many different stories that make their way into the book, because of what we've heard over here over the years.

Erin Nelson 6:23

I think it's definitely a collective work, it's even we pulled our volunteers and we asked for input and there have been so many people over the years that have made the work of Jessica's House possible. And so for being able to reflect on what we've learned from families, who are our very best teachers, we always say that the kids teach us the most about grief and grieving and how to express and just that authentic experience. And even if you've experienced a lot of loss, you could never know what someone else's experience is. You could never know what someone else's experience is. So being able to learn from others so that we could bring the best kind of culmination of different experiences into helping someone not feel quite so alone.

Colleen Montague 7:17

Different experiences and perspectives, I would add to that.

Erin Nelson 7:22

Absolutely, different personalities, different ways of grieving.

Brad Quillen 7:26

Erin, you mentioned loneliness, because we hear that so much in group. I feel like I'm the only one, but as you said earlier, 25 years ago, when you read that book, it's like you're not the only one that she got it. She got it because her husband died at something very similar.

Erin Nelson 7:43

Yeah, it's such a relief when you learn, and I think even for us at Jessica's House, when families walk through the door and they see all of these other families that are experiencing something similar. It's such a relief, and all of our groups here are according to the way someone died or the relationship. And so whenever we can talk to someone that has a similar experience, there's something about it. It's just magic, just knowing that there's someone else in the world that has a similar way of feeling. And it doesn't have to be exactly the same, but it's somehow. You can hold that together a little bit more.

Brad Quillen 8:25

And speaking of together you and Colleen wrote this book together, going back and forth many weeks of dedication and days of offsite and just so many things and many days where I'm sure the script got thrown in the air and just the frustrations of some of these things. Will you walk us through just that process of how you guys pulled these things together and put together this collective work from not only the families here but your own story and what we've learned from families over the years?

Erin Nelson 8:54

Yeah, you know, I think first we really looked at the subjects that our parents brought up the most in group and we wanted to address what the concerns that we hear from parents the most.

Erin Nelson 9:09

So we really started there and started brainstorming about what chapters should be in the book.

Erin Nelson 9:16

And then just in my own personal experience of loss, like you mentioned, I had done some really just blogging, especially after Carter died, about my experience with grief and what it felt like for me to lose a child, and so I did a little bit of memoir in the beginning because whether that was my loss of my mom or with Tyler, with Carter, just kind of touching different losses and then going from that to a really practical way to come alongside a parent and help them come alongside their child.

Erin Nelson 9:53

The other thing is just the expression. We've talked so much here on this podcast about feeling these emotions of grief and expressing it the way we feel it, and so we wanted to at the end of the book provide parents ways to facilitate expression with their children, so all different ways that we do that so here at Jessica's House, because every time we have group like we come together and there's some type of expressive activity that we do. So we had all of that here at Jessica's house, and so we were able to just write a lot of those activities as a resource for parents to help their children.

Brad Quillen 10:36

And some parents are listening to this, thinking, man, I need some of those and, like you said, they're at the end of each chapter and numerous things, not just one. The end of each chapter and numerous things, not just one, but numerous ways to engage and to give your child a chance to express some of the things they're feeling on the inside that they themselves might not be able to verbally say or put out there.

Erin Nelson 10:57

Yeah, I think those and coping skills and just different ways that we can really just begin to feel a little bit better in our body and how do we take care of ourselves. So it's just a lot of practical guidance that is gentle, because we don't know. We're coming from a place of letting the parent be the expert in not only their grief but in the way they want to come alongside their child. So we're just offering a lot of different choices and opportunities.

Brad Quillen 11:29

Colleen, can you walk us through and tell us a little bit how you guys put together the chapters and some of the input and just some of those favorite parts of the process for you and this was a couple-year process, not just a few months but what were some of those that stood out to you?

Collective Effort in Writing Process

Colleen Montague 11:44

As Erin mentioned, as we decided what topics needed to be in the book, we would decide who would take a quote unquote first pass. You want to take a first pass at that, and so then one of us would go and do that and then share it with the other, and then they would then touch that chapter, and it was just that way. That was kind of our cadence that we found worked for us, the back and forth, over and over. We have read these chapters in this book so many times, and because that's how it comes to be, you know, it's that first draft that you just get out on paper, but then, as there's this analogy about a statue, it's always there, you know, in the stone. You just have to chisel it away to discover what is actually already there, and so that's really what the book process writing was like for us.

Erin Nelson 12:40

It was so nice to write it together and to have someone else to just hold it with us and someone we also had key volunteers and people that have mentored us over the years that were our first readers, and so we would write a chapter and send it out and get their thoughts and critiques and these are even grievers that have had their personal experience. So hearing their thoughts and some reflections that they had were really helpful to give us some insight and even helped us in the editing process as well. So, Brad, when you mentioned a collective effort, it really was such a collective effort from Jessica's House, with our families and volunteers, and so much of just our combined experience.

Brad Quillen 13:30

And even I know at staff, it was sent out all through the staff of Jessica's House with thoughts and stories and illustrations and all those things that came together to to be this book When Grief Comes Home. Hey, collectively, so much went into this, but there's also been a little bit of a collective lie on all of our parts in this book. True, and after the break, Colleen, we're going to set it straight. Yes, yes, sir, this collective lie that we've all been saying.

Colleen Montague 13:57

I have a confession.

Brad Quillen 13:58

Yes, About the elephant.

Colleen Montague 14:01

In the room.

Brad Quillen 14:02

And with that we'll be back after the break.

Gary Shriver 14:04

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers and if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse. org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media, and if you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info@ jessicashouseorg.

Brad Quillen 14:57

So, as we went to break, we were telling you about a big lie that has happened on the podcast that we've come to realize. But before we do that, I just want to remind you. The book is out there on all major retailers today When Grief Comes Home, and it might not be something you need right now, but you might know someone that needs it and you can order it and send it to them as well. Back to the lie, Colleen, on this podcast, you need to tell the people the truth about the elephant.

Colleen Montague 15:27

Yes, listeners of the podcast, I have a confession. I didn't purposely lie to you, it was very innocent. I don't know why I thought elephants were pregnant for three years, but I really did, and when Erin and I started this process and we got the book contract, it ended up this whole process has, from start to finish, been three years. So I told Erin it's like how long an elephant is pregnant for. So, friends, we have talked about that together multiple times about our little baby elephant.

Brad Quillen 16:04

It's been like the last year you've been mentioning it.

Erin Nelson 16:06

We had our first photo after we signed our contract. We did it with a little baby elephant, and so we've been talking about this three year process of their gestational period.

Colleen Montague 16:18

Yes, and for some reason it started to eat at me, and so I thought about two months ago, I thought, hm?

Erin Nelson 16:25

Because you heard a sermon, a little message at a writer's conference and he said make sure that you always fact check everything that you say

Colleen Montague 16:38

... because you are speaking to the world, so you need to speak in truth. And that's when I started to think well, gosh, you know, let me just fact check this real fast. And friends of the podcast, elephants are not pregnant for three years, they are pregnant, I'm not even going to say how long they're pregnant for because I'll probably get it wrong again.

Brad Quillen 16:57

I would like to know the truth. What is the truth?

Erin Nelson 16:59

Is it 22 months?

Colleen Montague 17:00

It's like, yeah, it's about 22-ish months, but guys, guess, guess, guess what is pregnant for three years? A really ugly shark, which we're not going to talk about any further because I don't want that branding.

Brad Quillen 17:12

So you get the shark and the elephants mixed up in your life is what we're getting to.

Colleen Montague 17:16

I guess so. And so, as Erin wisely told me, she was very gracious and I confessed to Erin immediately and I said, Erin, I lied to the whole country. Elephants aren't pregnant for three years. And then she said, well, you lied to the world, because the world's listening to this. And so we giggled and she just said, Colleen, we're heart girls, not number girls. And so, moving forward, I will never give number facts on this podcast again.

Brad Quillen 17:45

Someone write that down. Well, it does reach the world, because the podcast has hit in over 15 countries around the world.

Colleen Montague 17:53

It sure has.

Brad Quillen 17:55

Well, Colleen, I hope you feel a weight lifted.

Colleen Montague 17:58

I do.

Brad Quillen 18:00

Now that we've told the truth. I do Thanks, I thought, three years for pregnancy for elephant was a little off, but I never googled it or checked it. I just went with the the program.

Colleen Montague 18:12

Well, in the future, you guys are always allowed to question when I spout off numerical facts.

Brad Quillen 18:18

Well, that, or any veterinarian facts, I'm going to check with you from here on out.

Colleen Montague 18:21

Yeah, I'm not a zoologist guys, I'm going to stay in my lane.

Brad Quillen 18:24

So back back to the book and can you guys share a bit about the process that you walk through to write and your favorite things of the writing process?

Erin Nelson 18:36

I have to say that I don't think either one of us ever thought that writing a book about grief would just be kind of fun, and you know we had a really good time. Writing this book is just kind of our own chemistry together and being co-authors and holding something together. That is a really tough subject right, and we both brought different strengths to the table. And I'm kind of an early girl, like to get up really early in the morning and that's when I do like I like to write and just when my brain is working the very best and I think really just always envisioning our readers and remembering back to fresh grief and what that felt like and imagining them and just watching the sunrise and just writing from my heart to theirs to just whatever it might be that they may need as we explore different kind of subjects that are common for those people that are grieving. And so I think that was my favorite part of writing just those early mornings.

Colleen Montague 19:46

I was surprised by my favorite part, which was the editing phase, where we had our manuscript done about four months before it was due, and so from that point on we went into a heavy editing phase and then, even after turning in the manuscript and getting it back, there were several rounds of back and forth edits with our publisher, and it was so fun to just move paragraphs around and sentences around and restructure chapters a little bit and switch out words that you know weren't as strong as we thought when we wrote them initially. And so early in the process, Erin and I heard that writing a book is a little bit like fine wine you have to let it age and breathe, and that's really what that process was like for us, and I really enjoyed it.

Erin Nelson 20:34

Yeah, it was so fun to just go back and kind of look at just different choices that we made and really be thoughtful about what our reader might need. And I don't think you ever feel done with a book and just being able to kind of surrender it into the world at some point where you just say, okay, like it's the best it's going to be and we hope that it will be helpful to our reader.

Colleen Montague 21:05

I know Erin and I are both very hesitant to even look at it. Now we have the final copy in our hands before launch and I haven't read it because I'm I guess I know there's going to be things that we would already want to add to it. You know there's already new things we've learned or experienced, and so yeah, Erin, it's just it is a moment in time of what we knew then and that's really a treasure in a lot of ways.

Brad Quillen 21:31

I know we've been having a lot of fun and laughing here today, but in all honesty, there's so much in this book for readers and even for communities. Erin, what are some ways that people can use this book in their community that they might not be thinking about?

Erin Nelson 21:44

Yeah, Brad, I think as readers come together, you know we like just like Colleen and I talked about just writing the book together. You know, when you can grieve together, you can read a book together, you can spend time together there are discussion questions at the end of every chapter, and so, bringing a group of people together, we in the future plan to offer some online kind of just gatherings where we can come together with our listeners, with our readers, and just have a little time together where we can talk about some of those discussion questions and answer questions that our readers and listeners may have, and so we just hope that it will be such a practical help to those who need it.

Brad Quillen 22:32

Erin, there's people that are listening that would love to just see if this is something for them. Is there a way for them to get a sample?

Erin Nelson 22:39

Yeah, we have a free chapter, and so it's the very first chapter. So if our listeners would just simply write to info@ jessicashouseorg, we will send you a free chapter.

Brad Quillen 22:53

It's as simple as that. There's no hidden strings, just info@ jessicashouseorg.

Erin Nelson 22:58

That's right.

Brad Quillen 22:59

So, Erin, I'm going to ask you to close this out, as you will find, in the back of many of the chapters of the book, a blessing, and if you would share a blessing as we wrap up this podcast, I think that'd be a treat

Erin Nelson 23:12

Yeah go ahead and take a blessing that's written at the end of one of the chapters and it says, "ay the divine light help you find yourself, the part of you that is yet to be. Yes, you are shrouded in darkness now, your light dimly lit, but there is a spark and the who of you, the true of you, is becoming."

Gary Shriver 23:37

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers and if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse. org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info@ jessicashouse. org. Thank you for joining us and we'll see you next time for When Grief Comes Home.