Changes in Your Family After a Death

Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief. 

In this episode, Brad, Colleen, and Erin explore the complexities of grief within a family, offering wisdom on navigating the unique healing journeys of each member.

Losing a loved one disrupts the natural rhythm of family life, often shifting roles and routines. We examine the concept of homeostasis and how families struggle to adjust to this absence. We will learn how tuning into one’s body and addressing personal needs can help restore a sense of stability.

Supporting children through grief brings its own challenges, especially while managing your own sorrow. This episode emphasizes the importance of allowing children to express their emotions and take the lead in their healing process. We offer guidance on recognizing when additional support may be needed and reassure parents that mood fluctuations are a natural part of grief.

Please subscribe to the When Grief Comes Home podcast and leave us a review. The more stars, reviews, and downloads the show receives, the more parents and families in grief can find support.  

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Navigating Family Dynamics After Loss

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:11

I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:15

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program director for Jessica's House and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Brad Quillen 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 0:25

This podcast goes along with a book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child, while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Brad Quillen 1:01

Hello, hello, it's Brad from Jessica's House. Today we're talking about the changes in your family after a death. If we're honest, everything changes not just some, but all things, from the wake up routine to the night routine to going to school, from coming home from school, from breakfast to dinner. Everything changes. Erin, I know we've talked before about just some of those things that changed after your son died a few years back, because knowing your son meant you knew a jokester, but also a kid that was a little feisty. So even that was no longer a part of your house in the ways that it was before.

Erin Nelson 1:37

I think you'd get so used to family dynamics, right, and personalities, and you know, Carter was one of those kids where he really knew he was there and he always liked to have the last word and he brought a lot of energy.

Erin Nelson 1:51

We kind of said like he had a lot of gusto and he was a person that you really missed around the table, just even family dinners, there was always some subject that we were talking about and he was just had a quick way of thinking, so it was really fun to just banter around the table and I noticed that, you know, when he was gone dinners were so quiet. It was just such a different dynamic in our family of just the energy was really kind of just sucked out of the house. And you know he also was a musician, so he played a lot of music and the piano was always going or he was playing his ukulele or his guitar, and so it was just such a quiet home after he was gone and it was just so different. And so, like you said, just everything changed and I didn't like it at all.

Brad Quillen 2:45

Yeah, there's the emotion of grief, of missing, and so people are somber. But even if that's removed, there's still not the levity that he brought or the I don't want to say chatterbox, but he had a lot of words.

Erin Nelson 2:58

He had a lot of words, he laughed so easily and he was just so fun. But his energy was bright and he just brought the room up when he was in it and it was just so fun to be around him. So it was just such a different dynamic when he wasn't there.

Brad Quillen 3:17

Right, even from just daily routines too. And people don't realize, how much that changes.

Erin Nelson 3:22

Yeah, and how much you just have just those morning rituals and saying good morning or having him at dinner or just saying good night and listening for him to come in the door and just all of those pieces that are just part of your everyday that you never even think about.

Brad Quillen 3:40

And for Carter, when you say hearing him come in, you could hear that kid coming from a few blocks away because he always had loud vehicles.

Erin Nelson 3:48

Yeah, he liked his, his little revving little cars, and so yeah, he just had, yeah, he didn't come in quietly ever. I think he was born like that. He kind of came with some noises even as a very young child, always making little noises like a car. And yeah, he would, just he came with all the little boy noises.

Brad Quillen 4:10

Right. There's a lot of people listening today that are in that space and it's normal to not want to do much of anything because so much is missing and so much of life feels out of balance.

Erin Nelson 4:24

Yeah, it's so out of balance. You just you take one person out of your everyday and it just feels so off kilter and I think back on, just like a mobile. We used to have these little mobiles that we would hang over a baby's crib and so and if you took just one part off, it would just all go to the side, and that's kind of what it feels like. It's just like everything's just tipped over and you just start having such a hard time finding your rhythm and your way. Just, it just feels so clunky. Nothing feels right or good.

Brad Quillen 5:01

And almost forced.

Erin Nelson 5:03

Yeah.

Brad Quillen 5:03

Colleen, you hear a lot of this in group sitting with adults and you and I've heard that for years that everything is off.

Colleen Montague 5:09

To echo what Erin said just there's such an impact to the relationship dynamics within a family after somebody dies, and because we're all doing it at our own pace and time, that changes it too. We've talked about how somebody may be really deep into their grief one day and another person's doing okay that day, and vice versa, and so, and with that healing at different stages too, just in time and over time, depending on the type of grief work that each member of the family is doing or maybe not doing, you know, that's more of a long-term effect to the family dynamics too and the health of your family overall.

Brad Quillen 5:54

Colleen, I'm glad you brought up the early days because, Erin, there's a, there's a few things that people can do to help themselves in those early days, and someone might be just picking this up as the first podcast they listen to of When Grief Comes Home. But what might you say to those folks that are in those early days and everybody's feeling a little different stressors?

Erin Nelson 6:12

Yeah, it can be so stressful with all of the people that are grieving so differently, right, and the family.

Erin Nelson 6:20

And I know when we think about the early days, we try to talk about just meeting your physical and emotional needs, being able to make sure that each person is expressing, kind of, what they need and what they're experiencing.

Erin Nelson 6:37

And then just those early days, you know, being able to take a walk outside, making sure that you're drinking water, that you are taking care of yourself nutritionally and just kind of those basics are really important to take care of yourself in the early days. And I think there's so much patient, there's like just being patient with each other because you will be feeling so differently at different times and each person has a unique relationship with the person who died and also a unique personality, and so the loss and the death, just like it, impacts people in different ways and sometimes you kind of grieve the way you live right, and so as you grieve, if you naturally are more internal, you know people might withdraw a little bit, or if you're external, you might want to like really express in a more forceful way and so just letting people kind of be who they are.

Brad Quillen 7:46

In those early days, you and I, over the years, have spent a lot of time with people in their homes in those first early days, and I'm going to use a word that I don't know if it's the right word, but it feels like there's a tense in the home. I don't know if it's tense or if that emotion is just so on the sleeve of everybody walking around that that it feels like everybody gets set off by, by something that's said or a memory but you just need to give grace and extra grace in those days.

Erin Nelson 8:13

I just feel like it's, it's just raw, right. I mean, it's almost like we don't have any skin over our nerves or something. It's like we are, just it's, there's so much fragility and so much vulnerability when you're experiencing that kind of pain and the shock of not having someone, and so being able to be in that environment and have the support you need is so critical.

Brad Quillen 8:38

And it might be different parts of the day. As Colleen was saying, everybody's at a different place. That might feel more raw or vulnerable.

Colleen Montague 8:45

Grief really is an imperfect process. I mean, what part of life isn't really right? But you're not going to do it perfectly or even well at times. You know everybody is under a lot of strain and stress, and so you may take the pain of grief out on each other, there's a lot of weight on family members just because of additional responsibilities now, that they may be trying to hold and cover. And you know, even we've seen with kids, trying to be that sibling that's gone, trying to be the funny one or you know bring in that part of the dynamic that's missing now. We've seen that in kids trying to do that, but really that's not who they are.

Erin Nelson 9:34

And to your point, Colleen, you know, even with siblings, you know, we don't realize how much we are co-regulating each other in a family and just being with each other. We're matching each other's nervous systems and we're together and we're holding life together. We're holding the responsibilities of life together and family together, and so so much of experiencing a loss. It really just taking someone out of the family dynamic it really can compromise just our felt sense of safety. And so being able to feel safe on a sensory level is so critical in those early days and being able to whatever that could be, it's like where do you need to be? And just asking yourself, what do I need right now, you know, do I need a person with me? Do I need to have the lights dimmed? Do I need a blanket and do I need to sit on the couch? Do I need a nap? Like we talk so much about what, just really listening to our bodies and really finding out what we need, because we no longer have that person to help us find kind of like our felt sense of like normal in some ways, and that sense of safety, yeah, and being anchored, yeah, just having of just the family that we once had.

Brad Quillen 10:54

Colleen, can I ask you what you mean by being anchored?

Colleen Montague 10:57

It's just building upon what Erin is sharing of just that co-regulation. It's just really that anchoring Each person in the home serves as an anchor in many different ways really, and so when that person's gone you feel that absence. Just as Erin said, with a mobile, you know, imagine a chair that's missing a leg. Now you can sit on a three-legged chair. It takes more work, it's not very comfortable. You have to find a new balance within your core, and so we talk about homeostasis in a family. But that's really, simply put, just the natural way or being or feeling of a family, and when something's missing from that, everybody's trying their very best to regain that homeostasis. They're trying so hard to find that again. That's when we pick up different little personality traits. We're trying to bring the humor back, or you know, we're trying to bring maybe somebody was a little bit more argumentative and so we're trying to bring that back in. It's very common to not love our homeostasis to be thrown off.

Erin Nelson 12:04

And like when you're talking about homeostasis, you're talking about kind of that felt sense of kind of safety and calm and just coming back to a place where you feel like kind of your best version of yourself in some way and you're having kind of that flow and of just feeling that way. So it really interrupts that.

Colleen Montague 12:23

It does, and you know, sometimes homeostasis it doesn't mean that everything was great before either, though. It's just the natural rhythm and state of your family, and so even some kind of negative traits can be part of a homeostasis that feels normal in a family. Maybe the bickering between you know, a mother and a father it's not enjoyable, but it's part of a rhythm, and so when it's missing it feels weird, even though you wouldn't think you'd be sad about that. And so, to bring in something we also talk about here at Jessica's House, is that there are dynamics and things that maybe you won't miss within that relationship with the person who's gone. That is is still thrown off, though. That homeostasis is still thrown off, though, when that person is missing, and maybe it's okay, but it still feels differently.

Erin Nelson 13:17

Yeah, and I'm thinking about just normal stuff. Like you know, we're here, we're hearing stories here at Jessica's House about where dad always put the child to bed, right, and he always read this certain story, and or maybe they watched a TV show together every night before they went to sleep, and so some of those just routines that maybe even other people in the family don't even know because it was only shared between two people, or even siblings that might carry, like you talked about bickering between parents, maybe they kind of could look at each other and kind of have an understanding that, oh, this is happening right. And when you have an understanding that, oh, this is happening right, and when you have someone who is missing, or maybe you heard your parents talking before bed and that's how you fell asleep at night, whatever it might be, if a parent is missing or a sibling's missing, it just throws everything off.

Brad Quillen 14:06

And you might miss those things that drove you crazy too.

Erin Nelson 14:09

Right.

Brad Quillen 14:10

Yeah, laundry on the floor, the crumbs on the floor, the half drank soda can like I've heard in group before.

Erin Nelson 14:16

Yeah.

Brad Quillen 14:16

I hear you guys talking about homeostasis and that natural rhythm is off or that balance. So I'm going to ask you what I hear in group all the time when does that come back? When do I get over this? When do I get through this? When am I normal?

Colleen Montague 14:30

Again, I'd have to imagine, Erin, your house never did come back to what it was before, when you had Carter. So what is it now?

Erin Nelson 14:40

Yeah, I think I love what one of our dads said and he said I don't call it my new normal, I call it my not normal. And so I think you settle in in some small way to a not normal and being able to be with what is. It's not what you wanted it to be, but it is what it is. And so I don't think like, as you said, brad, you know they'll never be getting over. You're carrying them with you.

Erin Nelson 15:09

I think over time you integrate your losses and they become part of like this sacred story that you have in your family. But as you heal, you somehow just continue to get through it. I like the analogy of someone said once that it's like they were standing in the ocean and they were always standing in the water and it was like kind of like that ankle deep water and they were just standing in it and it's like that was their loss. They were always in it, but once in a while like a huge wave would come and just take them down right, and so that's kind of like they're living in that loss and they're missing that person and they feel that kind of off kilter kind of feeling. But then once, once in a while something really hits them and takes them down.

Colleen Montague 15:55

Your family will find its new rhythm in time. It's just going to sound different, and you'll never forget. You know what is really missing, though, too.

Brad Quillen 16:06

And as we talk about new, normal or not normal, there are some pieces and roles that we have to take on as parents, and some of those things are roles we never thought we would have. And I'll give you an example. I had a dad in group once, say years ago. His wife had died and now he was cooking for the family and he said in group he goes, I didn't realize there was more spices outside of salt and pepper, right. And so this guy was like asking the other people in group will you send me recipes? Like I've never cooked before. So now he's carrying this new weight of cooking for his kids and he said, honestly, we're eating a lot of takeout right now, but he's like I'm trying to teach myself how to cook too. So just that sweet innocence and honesty.

Brad Quillen 16:45

But there's a lot of new things that come into play and new roles. Moms that have said I don't know how to take care of my car, where's a good place to go in group, like all these things that are. They're now realities and there's a lot of people listening right now that there's some new realities that they're carrying on top of grief. What are some of those practical things they can do to just take some of those first steps?

Colleen Montague 17:04

Well, I agree with you, Brad. There are the financial changes, short-term and long-term ones. There's, you know, the possibility of maybe, if a parent has been able to, you know work at home now maybe has to return to the workforce for that extra income. You may have to move because of financial reasons or for support. Move closer to family may involve a switching of schools for kiddos, May involve a switching of school for your children, and so I love what you said first, Brad, is who can you go to that can support you in those areas? You know where you are finding. Wow, I'm not sure what I'm doing here, and so reaching out to your friends hey, do you know a good mechanic? Hey, you got any easy weeknight recipes you can share with me?

Brad Quillen 17:51

So true.

Colleen Montague 17:51

Do you have the name of a good financial advisor? Yeah, I really need support in this area. So just knowing when you need to outsource, find support in those areas that are just they're not in your natural wheelhouse.

Erin Nelson 18:02

Yeah, and I just think also just that physical missing of someone in the home, even the space that they took up in the home, like this is their chair at the dining room table, this is where they sat in the car, this is their room, this is their side of the bed, this is their closet, whatever it might be. Like, we can feel such like it's like a sacred kind of thing. In so many ways. It's like these, this was what they touched, right, and so like you never forget that and just how they were in your home and in your family. So I think there can be some sensitivity around possessions and places that they were and so being patient with that. You know there might be discussions where kids might say like, hey, can I have dad's hat and can I wear this or can I do that? And we're going to be talking in future episodes about like linking objects and some of the ways that we stay connected to the person who died. But right after someone dies, you may even be feeling like if an uncle comes over and you know is like looking through something you may just feel like, oh, I don't want anyone to come into that person's room and look through that. It just feels really sacred to me. So just having a lot of understanding for each other in that as well.

Brad Quillen 19:21

Yeah, and move things around from the way they were you know touching stuff and not putting back where they were left by the person who's died.

Erin Nelson 19:28

And it could even be like don't wash their shirts, don't wash the sheets, don't wash their pillowcase. Like it, just like we want to smell them, we want to feel them, we want to like, hang on to their essence.

Brad Quillen 19:40

And there's a tension there and I've heard this in group over the years of it's time to move their things out a closet or chair, because every time I see it I just break down and I don't want to just fall apart every time I see these things, but then I don't have the strength to move these things, literally and figuratively.

Erin Nelson 20:02

Yeah, and how differently everybody will feel about that. So one person who feels like I don't really seeing that is really hard. The other person is saying seeing that gives me so much comfort. And so how do you come together in your family of even having a different perspective about some of those items? And so it takes a lot of communication, it takes a lot of patience and just having all of these changes after a death.

Brad Quillen 20:24

Is there any cautions you would give people listening about don't move too fast?

Erin Nelson 20:29

Yeah, you know we've talked about this a little bit of just giving time and really letting, I just think like breathing sounds like kind of comes to my mind of just letting things breathe a little bit in the idea that this just happened and everybody needs a little bit of time. So kind of talking together in a family about can we let things just settle for a minute and not make any big changes for right now and, as time goes on, really helping to talk to your kids about it, having family discussions about any changes that you want to make or possessions that somebody might want to make their own, and it just takes a lot of communication.

Colleen Montague 21:14

The word that you used, Erin, a few moments ago, that really stood out to me, which I think can sum up this whole first half, is just being understanding, just understanding, trying to be understanding of why the person said what they just said to you, why they said it the way they did, why they made that choice. Just trying to be understanding that you are all doing the very best that you can right now and so coming at it with that lens, I think, is a gift you can give each other right now.

Erin Nelson 21:45

Yeah, that's a script to use, right. Like, it's understandable that you feel that way. You don't have to agree with it, but you can bring understanding to it.

Brad Quillen 21:55

And from time to time in group over the years, I can remember somebody saying well, we have 30 days, or we have 45 days and we have to be out, and that's just a financial piece. There's a reality of that and my advice to you would be find someone that can just be a listener as you process through that, because those are really hard decisions and they're legitimate. You know things where you have to move sometimes and that's understandable, but just find someone that can be a listening soundboard for you as you process through that.

Erin Nelson 22:21

All the support, the supporters that are most helpful to you.

Brad Quillen 22:26

Yeah, those people that are in your corner, Erin and Colleen. Thanks for these few minutes of just walking through this, and we're going to take a break and come back and address some of the relational changes that happen after there's been a death in the family.

Gary Shriver 22:39

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers and if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse. org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media, and if you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info@jessicashouseorg.

Brad Quillen 23:31

Well, welcome back from that brief break and we want to continue with the changes in your family since there's been a death. One of the changes that most all of you are going to recognize is the reality of pain has entered because someone's missing. Someone has died, and so Erin, I know we've talked about this over the years, but how do we help our children even just notice some of those changes?

Erin Nelson 23:59

I know here at Jessica's House kids have told us that you know, maybe their mom would wake them up in the morning and they're really missing her in that way. Or maybe dad put him to bed and now he's no longer here. And so, talking to your child about you know what changes they're noticing, because maybe even the changes that you're noticing, because the person who's missing, whether that's your spouse or partner, your child, those roles that you're noticing are no longer there. Maybe it may be different from your child's perspective. So being able to talk to them about that and it's hard to hear as a parent when your child is in pain, because there's really nothing you can do to like if their mom is gone, that's that reality, right. And so you know you've been nurturing your child since their birth and you've been preventing discomfort. If their diaper was wet, you're going to change it as fast as you can, right. And if they're hungry, you're going to make sure that you're feeding them and that their tummy is full and that they're warm and they have enough rest. And now you're facing a time when they're in pain and our instinct as a parent, I think, facing a time when they're in pain, and our instinct as a parent, I think, is to just take away that pain and this is a time to be with them in the pain. To reflect, kind of what they're saying. It's like you really miss your mom waking you up in the morning to be with them, in that you can still practically plan for and help them know that, hey, I'll be the one waking you up now in the morning and instead of dad taking you to piano lessons, it's going to be like Uncle John or whatever that may be, but like to acknowledge just how much that person is missed and how, like we talked earlier, just life doesn't feel the same anymore. Everything's changed.

Brad Quillen 25:51

Everything has changed and we said that in the first segment and it's so hard to see that from our kids' perspective because we just don't see it through their eyes.

Erin Nelson 25:59

Yeah, I think, and you know, before you had a death in your family, it may have been a little easier to help protect them a little bit. And now here they are and they're faced with this really big loss.

Brad Quillen 26:14

So let me ask you this personally, Tyler died, and you have a five-year-old and a three-year-old and you're grieving, you have your own pain and then you have the reality of watching your kids be in pain and you can't fix this.

Erin Nelson 26:28

Yeah, I mean, it's such a vulnerable feeling as a parent to know that for the first time your child's experiencing also a feeling of not being safe. And you know that is hard when something really tragic happens and you always have noticed that those kinds of things happen to other people, not your family. It kind of strips that feeling of safety away for everyone and your kids feel that vulnerability and I know we've talked about that on the podcast and there's nothing we can do to change that or fill that role. They're missing and you have to sit in what is and grieve that.

Brad Quillen 27:14

Yeah, I was going to say we would, we would often say you just have to be with them in it.

Colleen Montague 27:19

Yeah, a dad recently talked with me and asked you know what is too much in terms of grief and going there? And you know he's, he's trying to support his son right now and and he's wondering you know how often is too often to go to the cemetery? Like I think we're going a little too often but I mean, am I supposed to just go for it? At what point is it too much? And I've just encouraged him. You know, let him lead. He's discovering what works for him and right now that feels like going to the cemetery every day and it may not be like that forever, but he needs to discover that for himself. And so that's just a very specific example. But to broaden it to the other parents listening, let your child take lead and teach you. You know we're trying to prevent them from sitting in that pain, as you spoke about Erin, but really that's how we do our healing right. We've got to dip down into that space and we've got to let our kids go there. I'll say with a caveat you know your child best. You will know if it gets to the point where it's too much and you notice your kid has now struggling and really, really in the depths and when there's changes to their behavior, their daily functioning. That's the point when you know they need some more support. But just a natural dip into a lower mood for a bit and then coming out of it and dipping back in, that is to be expected in grief and that's okay for your kid to do that.

Brad Quillen 28:58

Colleen, I hear you talking about that, what is too much? And sometimes for parents, as I've sat in group it might make you feel uncomfortable as a parent, and that's okay.

Colleen Montague 29:07

Yep, because we're all doing this differently and it's going to look different among family members, and so I like that, Brad, just really checking your own self first, you know, is this uncomfortable for me and what you can do about that.

Erin Nelson 29:22

You know, and I'm thinking about just kind of the changes and being with every day of someone missing, right, Colleen, something that you're really good at when we're together is you will be somewhere. And I remember one time we were just we went to the beach and you were like, well, what did Carter think of the beach? You know what did he think about, you know what would he think about the ocean right now? And it's just every day. You help me bring Carter into the everyday and you know, we've even, like, ordered coffee and when they say like, well, and what's the name for your coffee order, you say Carter. And so I just think about, like, with the changes, they're missing. But there might be opportunities and sometimes kids will say I'm not sure exactly how to bring that person up, and parents are saying the same thing. I think, in just really practical ways, we can look at the sunset and wonder, oh, I wonder what mom would think of this sunset. I mean, she loves sunsets. What would she think about this? Or you know, what would dad think about this team winning this game right now, because he was such a fan? And so, bringing them into your everyday and just bringing it up, if it's on your mind, it's okay to speak it out loud, it's okay to talk about the person in just a natural way and so, just as a parent, being able to even lead that by example and being the one just whether that's like I'll never forget the time when you know your dad did this or your brother did this or your sister, and being that person so that it becomes kind of a natural part of your just everyday banter, like your everyday conversation.

Brad Quillen 31:04

And it brings them into the space it does when they're missing from.

Erin Nelson 31:07

Yeah, and so, with all the changes, bringing them in and just keeping them in is just a good way to be.

Colleen Montague 31:14

And, Erin, you taught me that it would be okay to do that, you know. So you taught me first that you were okay with me bringing up Carter. You told me once that when you and your kids honor Tyler on his heaven day, you always go to the same restaurant and you place the order under Tyler's name. And you said it because it feels good to have somebody say his name and they say order for Tyler. So then I thought, oh okay, I'd never thought to do that, but you told me it was okay in that moment and so I could start doing that with Carter. And that's what we are doing, is we're teaching others what we're okay with, what feels good for us. We're also taking cues from others about what they're okay with. And even if you bring up, you know dad's name, and I wonder what dad would have thought about. Your kiddo may not go there that time, but you have given them permission to go there in the future when they want to, when they feel comfortable with it.

Brad Quillen 32:10

Yeah, and that makes me think that there's the off the cuff times where someone gets brought into the conversation or brought up. But then as parents, we also need to be checking in with our kiddos with some sort of regularity and I know some people just hear me say that with some regularity and there's, like Brad, there's nothing regular right now about my life and I get that. I get that. But it also gives us a chance just to check in on our kids and have a few moments to just ask how they're seeing the changes, how some of those emotions are rattling around in their little bodies, and just give them a chance to speak or be quiet.

Erin Nelson 32:44

Or be quiet, or like what made you think of dad today. You know just, it could be so simple.

Brad Quillen 32:50

Yeah, where'd you see dad in your day?

Colleen Montague 32:53

Like that.

Brad Quillen 32:54

And as you guys were talking, I was sitting here thinking about, you know, those regular check-ins and some of the folks listening are going. I don't have any idea what to do in one of those check-ins. The beauty of Jessica's House is there's a number of ways to find some ideas and different activities and ways to engage your kiddos with grief and what they're feeling. And, Colleen, would you mind sharing, as we wrap up this podcast, one of those activity ideas that we have out of the book When Grief Comes Home?

Colleen Montague 33:19

One of my favorite activities to do with children, when I want to get a glimpse into their hearts, is to ask them to draw a picture of their family for me. And so with this activity, if you take a piece of paper and fold it in half and invite your child on the left-hand side to draw a picture of their family before the death and that could include symbols or other little images and then, on the right side, draw the now, what does the family look like now? And I'll never forget when I was doing this with a child and a picture of a football was in the before but not in the after, and to me that's such a small little thing, football, but it was a big impact for their family because football was just not the same anymore without dad, and so we don't realize the changes that are weighing on kids. And so this activity I really like. And then, as your child draws this picture for you, you can be the noticer and just sportscast it. Hey, I notice the football's not there in the after, in the now. Tell me about that. How's that been for you? Maybe you draw your own picture alongside your child and be that model. Show them what you're missing, what you've noticed.

Brad Quillen 34:32

Thank you so much, Erin and Colleen, for being with me today. For those of you listening, be sure to visit jessicashouse. org for more grief resources and if you have any other topics or questions you'd like us to cover on this podcast, we welcome your email at info@ jessicashouseorg. Be sure to join us next time for another episode of When Grief Comes Home.

Navigating Parental Grief and Support

Gary Shriver 34:54

Until then, we wish you well. Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers and if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse. org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. To follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info@ jessicashouseorg. Thank you for joining us and we'll see you next time for When Grief Comes Home.