Finding Your Community

Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief. 

In this episode, Erin and Colleen share the powerful concept of "the rule of thirds" in grief support—how a third of people will disappointingly vanish, will provide neutral assistance, and will show up in ways you never imagined. 

Beyond practical support, we dig into the emotional quality of relationships during grief. The difference between true compassion versus what we call "silent indifference" can profoundly impact healing. We discuss how to handle well-intentioned but painful platitudes, express your authentic needs, and conserve precious emotional energy by showing up as your true grieving self instead of maintaining appearances.

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Welcome to When Grief Comes Home

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:11

I'm Erin Nelson, founding Executive Director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:15

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program Director for Jessica's House and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Brad Quillen 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen and I'm the host of

Gary Shriver 0:25

This podcast goes along with a book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child, while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team, as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Unexpected Support in Grief

Brad Quillen 1:01

Well, hello, hello, it's Brad from Jessica's House. Today, we're talking about those in your life that can bring strength to you and your family during this time of grief. Over the years, families have shared with us that they are surprised at those who show up in their darkest moments, while others they counted on disappeared. Today, we'll explore how grief changes our relationships and how to build a support system that will actually be there for you when you need them.

Brad Quillen 1:29

Well, Erin and Colleen, it's so good to see you and I'm very happy we are talking about this topic, because, for all the years I've sat in groups, this always comes up, because there are some people that we expect to be there and there's some people that we never knew would show up in the ways in which they do, and so there's a lot of grace, but then there's also a lot of questions and even more pain, sometimes because of community and what we thought would happen or the people that would circle up around us don't. And so, Erin, I know in your own life that this has been a piece of your story and just was curious if you'd share a bit about that and how you've learned some of these lessons that we're going to talk about today.

Erin Nelson 2:08

Thank you, Brad, and so glad to be back together today, and you know when I think about sharing your grief and community and having the support that you need.

Erin Nelson 2:19

It's so important that you can identify really who adds strength and comfort to you during that time and being able to identify those people and surround yourself with the people that don't deplete your energy.

Erin Nelson 2:36

And in my own life I know we've talked before about the people around me who gave me so much strength and I also had to realize that everyone has a different kind of capacity and we all have limits in what we can hold for others when it comes to their pain.

Erin Nelson 2:58

And some of my friends and family members were able to really hold that and it almost feels like over my lifetime we've just taken turns holding each other's pain. It's like you go through something and then they do and just going back and forth with that. But I do remember one time when someone close to me just said it's really hard for me to hold your pain and it feels like a lot and I appreciated that honesty and at the same time, it was really hard to hear. So, as our listeners are thinking about who does have the capacity, and sometimes it's situational for those close friends and family. Maybe they have something going on at the time and they're not able to really be there for you. Have something going on at the time and they're not able to really be there for you, and so identifying those supporters is so important.

Brad Quillen 3:49

So you just said something that I want to come back to. You just mentioned a moment ago, there are those that gave me strengths because, if we're really honest, there's people that are givers and takers and I don't mean that in a that they're purposely doing that but we feel exhausted after we've been with them in grief, or it's work to be with them. Or, if I'm really honest and I see him walking up to the door, I go, oh, I just don't have it today.

Erin Nelson 4:15

Right and sometimes I've traditionally thought that if someone does have a grief story and maybe they've been through a similar loss, that they would be kind of my person. But sometimes we just all jive like with different personalities and just as a human we know who it is that we can just be ourselves with and I think it's just that resting place to know that as they enter the door, that the impact in the room is not that significant. They're able to come into so much of what we talk about, into reflection and really reading the room and knowing what the needs are in the room. And some people are really really good at that and others just aren't.

Brad Quillen 5:03

Right, they can come in and almost come in and not be noticed, right. And then there's some people that come in and I'm going to be honest drain the room.

Erin Nelson 5:10

Yeah, yeah, they just take the oxygen.

Brad Quillen 5:15

Yeah, so here around the house we'll talk about this quote that Alan Woolfelt says from time to time on the thirds calling, and so can you explain what we mean because we share that in group often about there's a third of people, there's a third of people and then there's another third. That is kind of eye-opening for a lot of the families here at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 5:31

What Dr. Alan Wolfelt has taught us is a third of the people in your life are going to surprise you with the ways that they actually don't come through for you in how you hoped they would, and maybe they add hurt to you because of that. A third of the people in your life will be more neutral supporters. And then there'll be a special third that will surprise you in how they do show up for you and come through in the ways that you need and maybe didn't even realize the ways that you need.

Brad Quillen 6:09

Yeah, and there's those people that show up in little ways that we don't know about until later, you know, especially around funerals in the first few weeks and those things. And I know a friend that, aaron, you and I've known for years that will just show up and drop off a nice chest and drive away and then come back a few days later and restock it.

Erin Nelson 6:27

Right. I mean we call that the magic ice chest and I know we had that with Carter and we were never expecting it. But as we came home from the hospital, I'll never forget the next morning going out to my deck and there was a huge ice chest on our deck just full of drinks and ice. It was just there, and then the next day, fresh ice fresh drinks.

Erin Nelson 6:52

And I know that later we found out it was someone who had also lost their son in a car accident and they were just coming in to help in a practical way and you know even just the basics of staying hydrated when you're crying a lot and making sure that the whole family just has a place to go to just grab some drinks out of the ice chest, as they're gathering around and that becomes kind of even a gathering place to just go outside and know that there are drinks there.

Brad Quillen 7:24

Yeah, and it's taking care of some of those random minute tasks that people sometimes just step up and surprise us and show up and help take care of those. How many times we've mowed lawns of different places and all those things are dishes and cleaning and all the different things that need to happen.

Erin Nelson 7:42

All of that. Earlier this week, colleen and I had this discussion about what it looks like when you have to keep the coffee going and how often you go and everyone's in your home and you go to reach for another cup of coffee and the coffee pot's emptied and then you have to fill it up and all the things. But you knowbucks has those travelers that are just the cardboard boxes, and colleen mentioned earlier this week that she just, you know, picked those that was something like that up and dropped it off at a friend's house and it has all the cream and the cups and the sugar and everything. And just putting it on someone's front porch, just showing your support in that way, then they don't have to keep the coffee going. You just put it on your counter. It already has everything you need. It's something you can throw away at the end of the day, and just making life a little easier really makes a difference.

Brad Quillen 8:39

And there are some things that are tangible needs, but there's some needs that grieving people have that I want to ask you both about a little bit. And we talk about the idea of some of these being companion and compassion versus silent indifference, and so I know those are big words, but can we take a minute and just kind of touch base on some of those things? And sometimes people feel like someone's there to fix them or they've now become a project, and that's not what we need in grief.

Erin Nelson 9:05

Yeah, and I think when you're grieving, there's this good silence and then there's a silence that feels a little bit judgmental, especially if you're grieving a stigmatized death.

Brad Quillen 9:19

Yeah, so true.

Understanding Different Support Capacities

Erin Nelson 9:20

And sometimes just there can be a silence that feels like there's a little bit of distance between you and someone else, and we call that at Jessica's house, we call that silent indifference, and it is a painful feeling to be pain, which is really how we heal, and to be there in compassion and just mirroring your energy and your body language. And if you're sitting, they're sitting with you, they're leaning in and just understanding a little bit more about what you need and they're just coming closer.

Colleen Montague 10:11

We've talked many times here on the podcast about the importance of expressing your grief in the way it needs to be felt, and so that includes surrounding yourself with the right people, and so what I was thinking when you were talking about that is there are going to be those that try to help, but maybe they're just not the right fit for you, they're not doing it in the ways that you need, and so it's okay to give yourself some distance from them, you know, and to instead lean into those that are supporting you in the right ways that you need, supporting you in the right ways that you need, and also, even if you feel comfortable enough with maybe somebody that isn't as helpful, to share what would be helpful, you know, actually, if you could do this, that would really be helpful to me right now. Or, you know, I know what you're trying to say right now is something to make me feel better, but it's actually not. It's kind of making it a little harder.

Erin Nelson 11:04

What I do need is this it's so true, colleen, and what you're talking about is just expressing your needs with other people, and one kind of part of grief that we hear so much from families is how they experience others' discomfort of being with them in their grief and having someone really witness your grief and really witness the gravity of it To be able to stay in those moments that are so heavy.

Erin Nelson 11:35

And it's so hard for people to do that. And so when we're thinking about grief, so much of the time people are wanting to fix, so they're wanting you to pop out and they're wanting to offer some kind of solution. So there's such a difference between meeting like a physical need, like hydration or coffee or helping with the kids, and actually just trying to cheer someone up and trying to fix the situation in some way, and that energy can be really hard for people as well. So you can learn how to verbalize that, just to say like my grief is my love for my person, and if it feels like sometimes I feel like you want to fix that, and when I feel that from you it diminishes where I need to be. Like one mom said, you know my son is worth every tear, and so that's like her loving him, and if somebody's trying to fix that, then it can feel unloving from the person that is trying to bring support.

Colleen Montague 12:42

Yeah, just simply saying this is where I am right now. This is where I am right now. I like that.

Brad Quillen 12:49

And people will be like well, you don't want to stay there or we need to move on you know, and so, to repeat it, this is where I am right now. Yeah, yeah, cause we do. We try and cheer them up, and that takes me back to minimizing statements of things that you'll have people that you thought were going to be in this with you that would might say, well, at least they're no longer in pain or they're in a better place, which could be true, but we wish they were right next to us still.

Erin Nelson 13:18

Exactly Just right there, and the adjustment to not having someone's physical presence in your life is a big task and it's so hard to live with that, so allowing somebody all the space and time that they need to adjust to not having them in their world.

Colleen Montague 13:41

And so what if you could just say to that person, if they say, you know the, that sentiment, that they're in a better place saying to them that's true, and I also wish they were here with me.

Brad Quillen 13:54

One, one wife said in group um, they had been married 57 years or something like that, and somebody in her family said, well, at least you had him for 57 years. And she said I would take him for another 57. Yeah, it's that. Well, at least.

Colleen Montague 14:14

Yeah, so it's okay to gently push back a little bit, not in a bad way, but just to gently, to express how you actually are feeling and to be honored to that how you actually feel about it, yeah.

Brad Quillen 14:29

This brings up the fact that we talk about this, that some, that not everybody, can talk about grief or death and it's not comfortable, right? And so a lot of times people are trying to help us see the brighter side, but that's not what we need. But can we just take a minute? I know Erin you've talked about in the store, you know, after Tyler died. You know there's some awkward interactions or at a different location, you know, maybe downtown somewhere. It's like that people don't react the way they used to just because there's been a death in the family.

Erin Nelson 15:00

Yeah, and I think something and even probably part of my personality is to pretend a little bit because, you know, just being in the community, being a leader in the community and having a lot of very public deaths. But I think what I learned after Carter died is congruency saves my energy. So when I can really come show up in the world in the way I'm feeling and not try to go against that, then I actually can just continue to heal and it saves energy for my healing. So I had to learn just to be sad in the community and to show up in my sweats and no makeup and just be there and really even dress and be the way I'm feeling in that moment and just to allow the community to see me in a true way and to grieve like publicly.

Brad Quillen 15:58

So can I ask you this? This is what I got Like. This is. This is like what I can do today, right?

Erin Nelson 16:04

Yes.

Brad Quillen 16:04

I'm just, I made do today Right. Yes, I'm just, I made it here.

Erin Nelson 16:06

Right.

Brad Quillen 16:07

My hair's done and I, you know, look like a million bucks or whatever we want to say but with the makeup and everything but this this is what I. This is where I'm at. This is what I got.

Erin Nelson 16:14

This is where I am, and this is me showing up in a true way and letting you just witness the sadness.

Brad Quillen 16:23

Yeah, it's kind of like Colleen said it's where I'm at.

Erin Nelson 16:26

Exactly, and sometimes we have to show up physically where we are and be honest. I think that just honesty and authenticity is a way to really teach your community what you need from them, because, as we've said before, there's a golden hour. So when we are working against how we're really feeling, if we're putting that in the world and we're presenting an image or a way of being or words that we're okay, then the community thinks we are and then they really can't get closer.

Brad Quillen 17:05

Because there's no difference before and after. Exactly, if you're all put together, you're still running 100 miles an hour and being in all the places and serving on the committees or volunteering in this way.

Erin Nelson 17:16

Exactly, just take a pause, be with your sadness.

Authentic Grieving in Community

Colleen Montague 17:20

I would add to that when you are authentic in your grief at home and out and about, when you have that congruency, your kids see that too, and so you are a model for them. We've said that before. But also that congruency piece matters, because if you're different at home than out in public, your kids take notice of that. Not to say there are times when you don't want to fall apart in public and so you have to act as if I get that for sure. But if you always keep that stark difference, that's what you're showing your kids that they need to do, that they're never able to show up authentically themselves in a space outside of the home.

Brad Quillen 18:04

I'm glad you brought up the kid, because the whole family dynamics change. And how do we navigate some of those things? Because the reality is there's going to be some tension, there's going to be some unspoken expectations in families. There's a comparison of the relationship, sometimes there's different levels of grieving, or people see that this person in the family doesn't stop crying, but this person hasn't started crying, so are they not grieving? And all those kind of things. Can we take a few minutes and just kind of unpack some of those dynamics?

Colleen Montague 18:35

Yeah, I think, if you look at it, what you're saying, brad, is there's kind of different layers to it. You could be looking at just your little nuclear family and the differences there, and now each child had a special relationship with that person who died, even though maybe it was, you know, it was their dad and it was both of their dads, but they both had a unique connection. But then when you kind of pan out a bit, even just with in-laws, you know and you're grieving the loss of, let's say, your husband, your spouse, and your mother-in-law is grieving the loss of her son and your sister-in-law is grieving the loss of her brother, and so everybody's hurting. But what you're saying, brad, is like we can't compare pain though. Yeah, it's just pain, yeah, and nobody's is more important or or valid than the others. But we're all humans and there was a before, there was the relationship with all of these family members before the death, and some of that is going to absolutely spill over into the now and all of the intense emotions that everybody's holding right now.

Erin Nelson 19:43

Yeah, I would add to that that each person. It's okay if you feel like your pain is more significant, and each person may feel that way, like, well, I had this relationship and it feels like it's more than that other relationship, and I know we see that when we're talking about even friendships to the person who died, you know one person may be like I was really close to them, but this other person is saying that they were their best friend and so it's okay to just feel like it's all so weighty and that maybe you do have a more significant relationship or your loss is more significant. But just that we're honoring the differences and that we're honoring the pain of every single person. But your pain is your own and you feel it so uniquely, so sometimes you may think and feel like it just is so it's like more than other people's and it's interesting how you can just feel that way and it's okay to feel that way too.

Colleen Montague 20:55

And I think we also have to remember that when we're grieving we're not the best version of ourselves because we are in so much pain, but also, just at baseline, the physical impacts that grief has on us, on our sleeping abilities. Sleep is so disrupted in grief I know I'm never the best version of myself when I am sleep deprived. Our appetite has likely changed. We may not have enough protein in our body, we may have like low blood sugar levels, and so just knowing that about ourselves and giving ourselves a little bit of leniency with that and with yourself too, so being able to check in with yourself to know if somebody's comment bothered you because it really was an awful comment, or also if maybe you weren't in the right place to receive it at that time.

Erin Nelson 21:49

Yeah, like you're saying, colleen, we're so raw, it's almost like our skin is just kind of like you've taken off a few layers of your skin and just everything hurts, and so some little comments that normally we would just integrate just really easily feel really big and just painful and you know hard. And so another thing that happens in grief that's really interesting is that because there's a lot of pain with everybody, you don't want to add pain, and sometimes little conflicts that you should be resolving you may be putting off, and then sometimes those build up because you think I shouldn't even bring this up right now, so many big things are going on and then sometimes that can deteriorate relationships.

Colleen Montague 22:38

I think there can be the flip side too. You know, if we have, if we've had strain in the family before the death, but maybe now that we've lost this person, mutually, the things that used to matter don't anymore, and so sometimes we can see the reverse, where families just really let go of those little things and they do come together in support of one another.

Brad Quillen 22:59

So if I hear what you guys are saying, everything is intensified.

Erin Nelson 23:03

Yeah.

Brad Quillen 23:04

We need grace, grace, grace.

Erin Nelson 23:06

It takes a lot of grace for ourselves yeah. For the whole situation, those that we're sitting with and that are visiting, or our family, but yeah, and to speak that into the room to say, hey, everyone's so raw right now and we're naturally going to be more annoyed with each other and we will be, we will take more offense, and just to say this is a normal part of grief.

Brad Quillen 23:32

Yeah, that's what I. When you were speaking, I thought we get offended a lot easier probably. Yeah, not that we shouldn't be upset at that statement, but it's just. We're so, we're out of sleep, we're not eating well, we're raw, emotionally right.

Erin Nelson 23:44

Everything is just so intensified, yeah exactly you know, and your community is a safe place to be that version of yourself too. And just to say like, this is not completely who I've always been, but this is where I am right now.

Brad Quillen 23:59

Like Colleen said, yeah, yeah, this is where I am and I know there's people that are listening, that are sitting there and they're asking the question, but how in the world do I tell them how they can help, or what can I say to help or help them understand what I need? So, listening to all this, I've got to ask the question to you too, because there's people that are listening right now that are still trying to figure out, with all those tensions and all those feelings and everything that's going on. How do I help someone understand what I need in this moment or in this day or in these weeks coming?

Colleen Montague 24:33

I think it's okay to just be honest with others and tell them what it is you need, and that's always changing, you know, during grief. So just go with where you are right now, as we've been talking about, and someone once on their social media page, you know, shared a heart update and then at the end said here's how you can help me when you see me out and about, just give me a hug and say I love you, and that was very helpful for her friends and the family that were reading that to know how to interact with her. And so just setting that up in that way, or if your phone, if you're getting flooded with you know, texts and they're all beautiful and supportive but you just don't have the capacity to respond, copy and paste a message to all of them. I see your text. Thanks, I'll get back to you soon.

Brad Quillen 25:24

So, colleen, you're talking about the way to get the word out, in a sense, and the question, aaron, that always follows when we see someone in our American culture is well, hey, how are you? How are you doing?

Erin Nelson 25:38

Yes, it's such a big question, right? Can't we just say aloha or something like that? Brad, you're wearing a Hawaiian shirt today. You could adopt a new greeting in America. So I'm just thinking, you know, that's when you have to do a quick self check in, right, and you have to ask yourself if you're ready for an honest answer, and even if it's just kind of partially, because sometimes that just means hello, right, if you're at the grocery store, they're just saying hi.

Erin Nelson 26:11

That's what I mean, that's what we default to, that is our greeting, and so we can just say I'm fine, you know, and that's kind of what we have in that moment. But if it is someone that knows kind of where, you know what we have in that moment, but if it is someone that knows you and you feel safe enough. Some of the what we've written in the book are some kind of back pocket responses, which one of them we wrote was just like I'm functional, but I'm really sad, you know, and being able to say, yeah, I'm here, I'm grocery shopping right now, but I'm really, really sad and being able to say that, or I was having a really good morning, but now I can feel my grief just creeping in and I kind of feel like I need a nap right now and so I'm going to go. I had one mom who said that there would be so many people that would greet her and that her ice cream would melt in the grocery store and sometimes she just needed to kind of get out of there, and so being able to say I'm feeling pretty tired and so I'm going to keep going so I can go home.

Helping Children Navigate Grief Relationships

Erin Nelson 27:17

Brad, earlier you talked about someone else who says at least statements to you and how unhelpful that can be. But you know, sometimes we who says at least statements to you, and how unhelpful that can be. But you know, sometimes we give those at least statements to ourselves and with our loss we can say, you know, well, at least it wasn't my child, or at least I have support, or at least I know that I have a house right now and I have a bed to sleep in and we can diminish our own pain. And so being able to be with yourself and with your pain and to know that it matters and, you know, even placing a hand over our heart, to say I'm giving myself the compassion I need right now, because I'm feeling really incredibly, just sad right now and I need to be with myself and not give myself those at least statements.

Brad Quillen 28:21

Aaron and Colleen. Thank you, because that is so good and so many people listening that need to be hearing this when we come back from the break. We're going to talk a little about home how to build our own home team of those folks that are in our corner, but then also how do we walk our kiddos through some of these things, too, as well.

Gary Shriver 28:37

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The when Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers and if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouseorg to download our free resources. And be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media and if you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info@ jessicashouse. org.

Brad Quillen 29:29

Well, welcome back, and Erin and Colleen, that was so good what we just spent some time talking about, but the curiosity I have now is how do we help our kiddos that are walking through grief with some of these same dilemmas, one of those being platitudes we use the word or those, at least, statements. What are some of the ways we can prepare them for when they hear some of those in their own life?

Erin Nelson 29:50

Yeah, Brad, I remember working with a child here at Jessica's House and we were doing art together. And she said you know, one of my really good friends at school told me today that their cat died and now she knows what it feels like to lose someone. And she said yeah, now I know how you feel after your dad died, because my cat died. And then she looked at me and she said a cat is not the same as a dad. And she just wanted to say like that didn't feel right to her.

Erin Nelson 30:23

And so being able and you know, thinking about her, she was able to express that in the moment to just say that doesn't feel the same and just like, as we talked earlier about, it's okay if you that, if you feel like your pain is more, like it feels like more to you, and so for her she wanted to say having your dad die it feels like a really big deal and, of course, a cat is a really big deal too but in that moment she wanted to say that doesn't feel the same.

Erin Nelson 30:56

So being able to express that, which is one reason, as our listeners are hearing us today to find support where your kids can be with others who've experienced a similar death. That's why, just at Jessica's House, we try to surround kids with other parents you know, kids who've lost a parent with other kids who've also lost a parent. It can really help you feel understood, because so much of the time they're in settings every day where maybe they aren't really understood and I think that's true for adults and parents as well. But learning how to speak in that moment, to be honest and to say hey, that didn't feel helpful to me, and giving language for kids to say it's not helpful or it doesn't feel the same, and to express kind of how they're feeling, and we can model that as parents as well.

Colleen Montague 31:51

Along that same line, Erin. We can also teach them how they can teach others who they are now. And a lot of times you know the kids and teens they don't want to be treated differently because of their loss. They're still a kid, they're still a teen, and so it's okay for them to tell their friends that hey, I'm still me and I still like to play, I still like to do the things I liked to do, and so let's keep hanging out, you know, in whatever language feels the best, and so let's keep hanging out, you know, in whatever language feels the best. But being able to A know that it's okay to want to have some normalcy and then B to be able to express that to their friends, that's what you're going to help your kids through.

Brad Quillen 32:38

Yeah, because there's a reality of I want to be a kid, but so much of my life has changed that I'm going to hear and feel things differently now.

Brad Quillen 32:47

That's what's hard to help kids grapple with is that they hear a statement like that about the cat dynamic, which we all understand is not the same, but we've never had to face that kind of feeling and emotion, especially at eight years old or 13 years old. And so how do we help kids be ready for some of those aha moments that we didn't realize we were going to have to prepare them for?

Erin Nelson 33:09

Yeah, Brad, and I think what kids teach us that they want their friends to say is tell me about your dad. They want to talk about the person who died. They want to engage with their friends about whoever it is their brother, their sister, their dad, whoever it is that they've lost their mom and just little questions, like you, can teach your friends to say ask me specific questions about them. You know what was one of your favorite vacations? How are you like your dad or your mom? What was their favorite ice cream? What will you never forget about them? What did their voice sound like? What was their laugh like? You know just what was something that you love to do just when you were home alone. What did they cook that you really liked?

Erin Nelson 34:00

And I remember just so many stories that we've heard at Jessica's House and we've had the honor of hearing just all about the person who died. And I'll never forget somebody like drawing this bacon wrapped turkey and how their dad always made this turkey, and they wanted to talk all about that One time. You know somebody wanted to talk about how their dad made the best tacos and that you know, every night he always made sure that there was dinner on the table and you know now he's no longer there and that's a really big hole for them. So they want to talk about the tacos, and so whatever it is that kids want to talk about, it's such a gift in with their memories saying I'll never forget when your dad was, you know, coached me on what he taught me out on the field, or your mom she always took us to swim, or whatever it is that they have memories of, and that is such a gift for someone who's grieving is to just hear about the person who died, to be asked about the person who died.

Colleen Montague 35:11

And sharing with your child that you know, by bringing up your person and talking about them, it is showing your friend that you're okay to talk about them. And I was even thinking, aaron, you have a lot of really good suggestions. You know, depending on the age of your child's friend, if you have a connection with their parents, you know maybe you can connect with the parent and just say, hey, in case your child wants to know how to interact with my son now, or what to say. You know, here are some things like I know he's okay talking about it or he does like to still talk about his dad. So just if you want to tell your child like it's okay to bring him up if you have that relationship with your child's friend parent so they can equip them, their child, with how to support their friend, I think, aaron and Colleen, it's safe to say that there's going to be friendship dynamics that change for our kids.

Brad Quillen 36:05

But I think in all my years here that some of those dynamics that get changed or affected the most would be with teens and maybe even young adults calling. So what would you say to some of those parents that are listening that have teens that 13, 18, 17, you know that teenage kid or maybe even a young adult, that those relationships do change a little bit more sometimes with that age group?

Colleen Montague 36:30

To just be real with it, that it stinks, that that reality that some friendships are going to change and you can even share how you're feeling that yourself Maybe. Maybe you're having some hard dynamics with a friend and sharing that with your teen or your young adult. Yeah, I was really let down, you know, by so-and-so.

Colleen Montague 36:51

I really thought they you know could have been there a little bit more I'm not really understanding that right now, but it's been hard and just to show them that this is an unfortunate reality at times. But then expand the conversation and ask them who has been there for you, what has been something that has been helpful, help them to start to identify what their needs are so they can start to seek that out in others in their life and, you know, teaching them what's been helpful for you and asking what's helpful for them. You know it was so great the other day when your aunt did this for me and that really showed that she cared. What's been something that someone's done for you to just again have them start to build that little toolkit of what it is and who it is that can really bring that support to them.

Brad Quillen 37:44

I'm so glad you brought that up to be able to visualize or pick up on who might have some empathy right or is stepping up to the plate or is kind of coming around and being that good friend.

Erin Nelson 37:56

Yeah, and I think, like we always say, your presence is the best gift you can give, and sometimes it really is that shoulder time. It's just like just be there and let's play video games together, let's watch a movie, let's just hang out. And, as we talked about in the beginning of this episode, it's how the people walk in the room and are they easy for you to be with and do they bring you strength and can you identify that they are not depleting your energy? Just to be there with you and just to for a team to be able to say, hey, I just like, when you're with me, like I just want to hang out and let's just go and, you know, play catch together or whatever it might be.

Brad Quillen 38:39

This has been so interesting to hear as we talk about the kiddo piece in teens, but it's really something for everybody and our home for individuals. But you know, as families it's all pieces of that that we need, kind of that support network and some of those helps as we walk through grief. And, colleen, I'm going to ask you to share a little bit about an activity that we have in the back of the chapter in the book on this. That kind of helps us to walk through that, even just in person with our own kids, to help us identify some of those natural people that are in our lives that they can come along and walk with us in this.

Building Your Grief Support Team

Colleen Montague 39:10

Identify some of those natural people that are in our lives, that they can come along and walk with us in this. Yeah, and before I start that, I just want to say, when we talk about your home team, it's quality versus quantity, and so you may have a small home team, and that's okay. Yeah, because as long as you have the right players there for you, that's going to bring you strength, that's going to bring your family strength. That's going to bring you strength. That's going to bring your family strength. And the reality is, too, your.

Colleen Montague 39:38

Your home team may not always be proximity. You may have people that are there for you but live far away, and so how you can stay connected with them on the phone, on FaceTime, whatever measures you need to take to be connected to those that will bring strength to you. And then even online support groups, if you don't have something in your neighborhood or where you live. We've talked about NACG. org is a search engine where you can find a grief center more local to you. Or, like I said again, online support groups can be good too. So home team can look very different for everybody.

Colleen Montague 40:13

An activity we want to invite you to do with your child is to identify who are your people and so getting out a piece of paper and filling in the blanks with those in your life that come to mind so I can share my memories of the person who died with. Who makes you laugh, who do you feel comfortable crying with, who can you call when you need someone to talk to, when you want to have fun, who is the best person to do that with, who best understands when you just need to be alone and will give you your space, and who do you feel the safest with and give it some reflection? You may not think that there's somebody right away that comes to mind, but just be looking for that person in time, or maybe there's other needs that you have that you can identify a person in your life who can come through for you there.

Brad Quillen 41:09

Erin and Colleen. This is so good today and this is such a needed conversation. We could spend a lot more time on this. I know we all thought that going into it, but I sure appreciate being here with you guys today.

Erin Nelson 41:20

Thanks, Brad.

Brad Quillen 41:22

Erin, I know there's something you wanted to share with our listeners today as we wrap up this podcast. Why don't you go ahead and take a moment?

Erin Nelson 41:28

Just as our listeners have given us really great feedback. I just want to say if you could just take a moment to rate our podcast and also write a review. It helps get it into the hands of those who need it most, and so every time you review a podcast, it goes up a little bit into ratings, and so if somebody just types in grief in a podcast search, they can find this podcast and, as we know that it's been so helpful for parents who are grieving, we want to get it into more hands. So please rate and review.

Brad Quillen 42:06

Thanks, Erin, and let me remind you be sure to visit jessicashouse. org for more grief resources and if you have any other topics or questions you'd like us to cover on this podcast, we welcome your email at info@ jessicashouse. org. Be sure to join us for the next episode of When Grief Comes Home. Until then, we wish you well.

Gary Shriver 42:27

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers and if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse. org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. And be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode. Just send us an email to info@ jessicashouse. org. Thank you for joining us and we'll see you next time for When Grief Comes Home.