Pregnancy Loss and Stillbirth

Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief. 

The room gets quieter when pregnancy loss comes up, and that silence can make grief feel even heavier. We open the door wide—talking candidly about miscarriage and stillbirth, why the loss can feel invisible, and how parents can honor a baby’s life at any gestational age without apologizing for their pain. Erin and Colleen share tender personal stories, the origins of our Heartstrings group, and the small, steady practices that bring comfort when words fail.

You’ll hear practical ways to care for yourself in the early days and beyond, from navigating hormonal shifts and the shock of emptiness to setting boundaries around showers and birthdays. We also explore the complicated emotions of future pregnancies—the way joy mixes with fear—and how to create rituals that carry meaning: candles on a “Heaven Day,” planting a tree or rose bush, memory boxes, Molly Bears, and using your baby’s name. For friends and family, we offer guidance that actually helps: show up with meals and gift cards, keep inviting without pressure, remember due dates and anniversaries, and send a simple message that says, “Your baby mattered.”

Parents with other children will find ideas to include siblings in healthy remembrance—letters, drawings, and the “I wish/I wonder” prompts that keep a sibling’s story alive in an age-appropriate way. Throughout, we return to one truth: grief changes, but love remains. If this conversation resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who needs gentle support, and leave a review so more grieving families can find us.

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Welcome & Purpose of the Show

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello, and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:10

I'm Erin Nelson, Founding Executive Director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:14

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program Director for Jessica's House and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Brad Quillen 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen, and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 0:25

This podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Naming the Topic: Pregnancy Loss

Brad Quillen 1:01

Well, hello, hello. It's Brad from Jessica's House. Today we're talking about healing after a miscarriage or a stillbirth loss. A startling statistic in our country is that one in four pregnancies will end in the loss of that pregnancy. Well, Erin and Colleen, again, it's good to be with you guys. And today we're talking about healing after a pregnancy loss or a stillbirth. And the reality is that this hits a lot of families, or we have someone we know closely that has experienced a miscarriage or a stillbirth, but it's not talked about enough, I think. So I'm glad we're talking about this today because the reality is, as I said in the open, that about one in four pregnancies will end in a loss of that pregnancy.

Why This Loss Feels Lonely

Erin Nelson 1:44

Brad, I'm glad we're having this conversation because when we first started Jessica's House, we saw this as a really big need and started a group here called Heartstrings. And this has been a ministry to those families that have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. And being able to have that support is so important because, like you said, it's not really talked about. We find that parents have a difficult time talking about it, and in those social circles at work, even in, you know, if we think about just in our room here in our studio, I know even our family has been affected. And after Tyler died, as I've shared in my story, I remarried Brian and our first baby. Um, we lost that baby um late in pregnancy, later in pregnancy. And then as our kids have grown up, our daughter-in-law had a stillbirth. And I know Brad, you and I are so connected, and you were involved even as a pastor and did the funeral. Um, my um that baby's name was Emmett. We have a room here at Jessica's House named after Emmet. And so it has affected, you know, not only our community, just as we've supported those that have suffered this type of loss, but it's affected our own family. And it's a really important part of what we do here at Jessica's House and supporting moms and dads after a loss like this. And, you know, when you um are a parent and you learn about this baby and you you just start planning that baby's life.

Brad Quillen 3:36

Yeah.

Erin Nelson 3:37

And it doesn't matter how many days I heard a mom say once, you know, who had numerous miscarriages, that she just loved each baby that she was able to carry for as long as she could carry them. And they all just had her heart, you know. And so it's always scary, even we've heard from parents about even as if they get pregnant again, how much fear there is about future pregnancies. And there's just so much to think about when we're talking about this type of loss and just the deep loss that you have of your future and just what you imagined your life to be with that child. And just there are so many dreams that are shattered in in those moments.

Brad Quillen 4:32

And this loss touches a lot of people, as we we've said, and um because of what could have been, there's so much tenderness around it.

Erin Nelson 4:41

Yeah, there's so much tenderness and there's so much emptiness that you can feel. And I think just even family dynamics that are affected, and there's always so much complexity even in future pregnancies. About, you know, I remember after Emmet died, um, that my daughter said to me, you know, we'll never have that kind of an excitement again.

Brad Quillen 5:07

Yeah.

Erin Nelson 5:08

Right. So it's like when you first um find out that you're going to have a baby and how exciting it is. And then maybe those subsequent pregnancies, they never quite have that anymore because you already know what could happen. So it's that excitement mixed with fear. And so there's just so much there. So then you start questioning do we allow our community to grieve with us by telling everybody when we find out we're pregnant? And or do we wait until later? And then if you do lose the baby, maybe you're a little more isolated than you were before. And so so much of what we're talking about here in this episode is just like have how to find support and how to really walk through this and integrate this type of loss into your life and do it in a way that just where you are expressing your grief and you have people that you can trust to surround you.

Fear in Future Pregnancies

Colleen Montague 6:09

This loss can be a very lonely loss. You know, like you're saying, Erin, you know, maybe you hadn't shared it very broadly yet, um, because it was so early, and now you're holding this loss alone in a lot of ways. Um, or maybe you did share it broadly, and now you have to to update with the sad news. The thing that's tricky too is that this you're grieving somebody you never got to meet and to know. It's also a lonely loss because you were pregnant and it's all kind of happening within. It's not something that others tangibly saw. And so that can make it very lonely feeling too, even between a husband and a wife. You know, I've heard the dads share in in our group and heartstrings almost as if he didn't get to have a loss in a way, because he felt it was his wife's pregnancy and that she was having such a a big grief with it, and that he almost wasn't deserving of feeling the loss as well, which of course he is deserving of that grief. But dads even put their grief aside, you know, kind of this loss in a weight sometimes can be a little stigmatized, I guess, because we don't always talk about it. It is still something that's very quiet. There's a lot of people in your life that you may never have even known had a miscarriage because it doesn't really always get brought up or talked about. But I'm starting to see a little shift in our society, which I think is a good thing because the goal is that we don't want people to grieve alone.

Erin Nelson 7:50

I remember just like you're saying, Colleen, after we lost our baby, I would get just notes in the mail from people I would have known a long time saying to me, Oh, I had this loss too, or pe lots of phone calls, or people that would just come up to me. And it's so interesting because it wasn't something ever knew about them. But once they knew I had that loss, they were comfortable sharing it. Yeah. And so it can be a quieter loss, but when you're part of the club, it's like just having other people to talk to about it because it is so common, yeah. That it's so important that we can come together with others who can really understand the impact and the gravity and just all the feelings that come with it.

To Share or Not to Share the News

Colleen Montague 8:41

And I think it's important for us to say too, to acknowledge that the grief begins regardless of the the the gestational age. So even if you only got to carry that baby for six weeks, you know, and you you only knew about the pregnancy for two, that's enough time to have started to dream and to be excited. An author once shared after a miscarriage, you know, it was only seven weeks, but that seven weeks was enough time to fall in love with this baby. And also too, just the recovery time that it takes after having this miscarriage, what that experience is like. Um, I f I think it's so hard that moms have to do it alone at home at times, and just there can be a a lot of hard circumstances with that, or you know, depending on uh hospital experiences, there's just a lot of layers to it. And our hormones are changing when we're pregnant and then shifting into not being pregnant. So going back to that idea of just you're not even your normal self, anyways, and you're also now holding this grief.

Brad Quillen 9:57

Colleen, as you're talking, one of the things that I've heard over the years and I think is is valid to to bring up is in a lot of ways you'll never know why. You know, and so that just adds to the to the feeling and the emotions of you'll never know why the miscarriage happened or the stillbirth towards, you know, the end of of pregnancy, and that that just adds a whole nother level of you were talking about that fear and you know that trepidation of I'm pregnant, and the first reaction is oh no, in some ways too, right?

Erin Nelson 10:27

Yeah, it it is so true. And you never know why, but you carry just that natural reaction and grief. And we talked about this earlier about just feeling guilty, having regrets. Maybe if I wouldn't have done, you know, ridden on that roller coaster or worked outside in the heat, or there are so many ways where we go inward, and that is uh like we've talked about, it's a survival skill, but it can really be a painful part of our grief is to just wonder like the all the what ifs and the wuda kudda shuddas, and you know, to be there, and um, that's part of your grief, and there's so much there. All of the feelings that we have, just the anger of the injustice, many times, especially as we're living in a pure world, you know, our good friends, our cousins are pregnant at the same time we are, people in our community neighbors, and you know, I still look at a child, well, an adult now in our community that it was the same age as our child would have been. And I know their birthday. And it's like I follow them just like I wonder how they're doing, and I kind of compare them with the baby we would have had, this child we would have had. And so you never forget, and you can even it like kind of creates some a little bit of jealousy, like, you know, the unfairness of it all. Like, why did they get to live and your baby died, and you know, all of that. It's all part of this experience of losing a baby.

Guilt, Unknowns, and Comparison

Brad Quillen 12:10

Yeah, I sat in Heart strings for a season, not not as long as you guys have, but I can remember, and I there's folks that are gonna be listening this that have had a miscarriage, and like you're saying they know someone else that has a baby that's gonna be roughly the same age that their their child would have been, that then they get invited to go to the birthday party. And I can distinctly remember a mom going, I couldn't go.

Erin Nelson 12:35

Right.

Brad Quillen 12:35

And I thought that's okay.

Erin Nelson 12:37

Absolutely. We've had parents say it they couldn't go, and it was just way too hard and way too painful, and you're still in that season many times of all the br all the baby showers. And I've heard parents say, like, I didn't I didn't go and I didn't want to go, but I still wanted to be invited.

Brad Quillen 12:57

Yes.

Erin Nelson 12:58

And just like don't leave me out, don't stop talking to me because that makes me feel even more stigmatized and alone.

Brad Quillen 13:04

Yeah, the isolation.

Erin Nelson 13:05

The isolation. Um, still invite me, but just know that it's very painful and I may not be able to go.

Brad Quillen 13:12

Yeah. And I bring that up because I want those that are listening to know that that's okay to not go.

Erin Nelson 13:17

Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Brad Quillen 13:19

So, Erin, here's a question I have for you because I know with so much emotion and the the unknowns and all those other things that happen with stillbirth and miscarriages, some people would say, Do you have a funeral? Or do you not have a funeral? Or how old should the baby have been to have a funeral? And there's going to be so many different people that are speaking into that and giving their opinion and sharing some of those. And you and I've done a number of funerals for kids and over the years of church life. What would you say to those that are listening with that question?

Erin Nelson 13:52

Yeah, well, I really like what Dr. Alan Wolfelt says when he says when words are inadequate, have a ceremony. You can never go wrong with a ceremony that says this baby was alive, they were loved. We couldn't wait to welcome them in our family. The grandparents love them, the aunts and uncles, the neighbors, ever they were loved and they were real. And so if somebody wants to have a ceremony, it's okay, no matter the gestational age of that baby. And so being able to have those creative ideas on how to honor next episode, we'll be talking to Ashley from Bridget's Cradles, and they do something where they have little cradles for those babies that have died, and it really gives parents an opportunity to come together and to have a chance to just be with their baby, and you know, maybe you bury your baby in that cradle, or whatever it might be, there are so many things. Maybe you plant a tree, or we have a rose bush in our yard in memory of Emmett, and you know, you can name something after that baby. You may want to name the baby, you may not not want to name the baby. And I know for us, we um I delivered the baby, and the baby's buried in um our local cemetery here, and we go visit the baby. And so, and I remember, and our family, as we looked forward to building our family and continuing to build our family, before I found out that I was pregnant with Carter, I went to the graveside of the baby and just to say, you know, I really loved you, and you know, I think we're going to have more babies. But it's kind of this feeling, and maybe our listeners will relate with it's like if the baby wouldn't have died just with the timing of everything, I wouldn't have had Carter.

Brad Quillen 16:02

Yeah.

Boundaries: Showers and Birthdays

Erin Nelson 16:02

Right. And that's a mystery. And to wonder about that and to sit with that. And we've talked to so many parents that have talked about that, those future babies that they added, you know, these wonderful humans they added to their family. And so there are just so many parts, but whatever it might be, I know some people have boxes that they keep with just like a little blanket, and they keep them in a special place. And so it's so good to be thinking about those pieces and also anniversary dates for Emmet, um, my granddaughter who was stillborn. Every year, our whole family, we all gather at the graveside and we go to lunch every year. We call it her Heaven Day. And so we do that every year. And so for our listeners to think about do you want to honor your your baby on their heaven day when you are having a ceremony? Maybe you don't want to have a large gathering, but maybe everybody could light a candle who love that baby with you.

Brad Quillen 17:09

And I'm glad you said that because there are items that are going to be memorable from their life.

Erin Nelson 17:14

Yes.

Brad Quillen 17:15

The blankets could be the ultrasounds, maybe some of the things you started to decorate their room with.

Erin Nelson 17:20

Absolutely. So keeping those, keeping that ultrasound photo on the refrigerator and whatever it might be, just to remember and to honor.

Colleen Montague 17:32

A number of parents have talked about a Molly bear that you can order to be the exact weight of your child. Um, and that's just a memory of what they felt like to hold if you were able to hold your baby. And that's brought a lot of comfort to the to the families that have shared about a Molly Bear.

Erin Nelson 17:52

And I think about too, just the importance of acknowledging that you're a mom or you're a dad. Maybe you don't have that baby in your home, but you still are a parent. And to be acknowledged in that way on those special days, and whether that's Mother's or Father's Day, and um just to know that we want to be acknowledged as a parent, even if we don't have a baby in our home.

Ceremonies, Keepsakes, and Memorials

Brad Quillen 18:18

Erin and Colleen, I'm glad we're talking about this because as you said earlier, Colleen, that's not talked about a lot, and especially as we've heard that in groups over the years. And we're going to take a few minutes for a break. When we come back, we want to take a few minutes on what does it look like to take good care of ourselves? And as we start to take steps forward following a miscarriage or stillbirth.

Gary Shriver 18:38

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org.

Brad Quillen 19:30

Erin, Colleen, as I said, going to break. I'm so glad we're talking about this. And one of the other things that we want to take a minute to touch in on is taking care of herself. And I'm just going to say, I've heard in group before from moms and dads that have been in heartstrings, people don't see this as like a full loss. And it's it shouldn't affect you this much. You know, it's just it was a pregnancy loss, and it's time to move forward or move on. But I would say that's not the right way to see that. It's time to walk through our grief. And so what are some ways in those early days, Erin, that people can take care of themselves? Because this is a grief thing. This isn't just, oh, it's a couple weeks, but how do we take care of ourselves? Because this is this is a lot to walk through.

Erin Nelson 20:14

It's a lot to walk through, and it's such a tender time. And we really want everyone to take good care of themselves. And like we've said in so many other episodes with grief, grief takes time, right? And there are no linear stages. You spiral in and out, and you'll feel different all the time, and making space for all of your emotions and honoring those, giving yourself compassion, and also really caring for yourself because you've been through a lot to lose a baby, to grieve their life, to have the impact on your physical body and to have your the impact on your family. So really honoring the loss. And you know, as you think about it, I'm just thinking, especially just to speak to moms right now and their body, just to be so gentle with yourself, to know that your body is has suffered um just a very big change and a loss, and you may feel so empty. That is the word that so many moms will say to us is just I felt like I just had this big, huge like chasm and nothing could fill that, and just the emptiness in that, and to let yourself feel all of your emotions for as long as you need to feel them.

Brad Quillen 21:46

As the days and weeks progress, there are those thoughts of what would have been or what we had planned, and then there's a due date. And so this continues, and some people say, Oh, it's you know, it's only a few weeks or you should be down or or on the ups and downs. And I'd say no, there's a lot of lefts and rights and twists, and but there's always those what we had planned in the future that will not be now.

Erin Nelson 22:09

And again, you know, honoring that due date, you know, just whatever it might be. Um you you know, ordering an ornament for your Christmas tree or doing something with the name. You know, some people have done just like a little embroidery or something that they want to have, um, just honoring that name and just remembering that.

Colleen Montague 22:31

This is true too for if you have other kids, whether before this pregnancy or after, of getting them involved in remembering their sibling as well. Erin, I know you've shared about what your family does um for Emmet and how her siblings know about her and honor her as well. If you won't mind sharing a little bit about that.

Sponsor Break & Resources

Erin Nelson 22:53

Yeah, so we do talk about Emmet and the kids know that they had a big sister named Emmet, and we just talk so openly and we wonder, like when Emmet would have started kindergarten, we talked about that. Yeah, you know, just to say, hey, this would have been our kindergarten year, and she would have graduated from kindergarten at this time, and just being able to just keep her in the room all the time, make her a part of the conversations, you know, something that I just heard about was a stillbirth that happened, and this was a family where they had told their children that someday they would play with their sibling, and so they just said, you know, pretty soon you're going to play with your new baby brother. And so um, when they had to bury this um baby, they with the grave marker created a little sand tray, and they have little things in there that they could play with. And so when they go went to go visit the graveside, they would play with their baby brother by just playing in the sand. And so there are so many ways that we can honor that child that um that we just hoped would join our family and in our home.

Brad Quillen 24:08

It's the reality of that grief may change, but it doesn't disappear.

Erin Nelson 24:12

Right. Absolutely. That's a good way to put it, Brad. Yeah.

Self‑Care After Loss

Brad Quillen 24:15

I know we've talked a little bit about taking care of ourselves, but Colleen, I was curious if there are places that folks that are listening right now that could find other helps. They can always go to jesscashouse.org and our website, and there's a number of resources there, and obviously the book When Grief Comes Home. But do you have any other ways in which people can find support if they're in need?

Colleen Montague 24:34

Yeah, any type of counseling or one-on-one therapy is helpful. Again, just not negating your loss. You know, you've experienced a loss, and that's enough to warrant needing extra support, support groups like we've talked about with our heart strings group, if there's something in your area, uh, and even online peer support that you can find that can be helpful as well.

Brad Quillen 24:58

So there might be f some that are listening that have never had this experience of pregnancy loss, but are listening because they've experienced grief in another way. And what are some ways that they can help come alongside someone that has experienced a pregnancy loss?

Colleen Montague 25:12

You know, it's really no different than when somebody experiences the loss of a child or a spouse or a family member or a friend. You know, just being there for them and acknowledging the reality of what they're living with right now.

Brad Quillen 25:27

Yeah.

Colleen Montague 25:27

Offering to help, dropping off groceries, emailing DoorDash, gift cards, whatever you can do to help support the family during the immediacy, and then also shifting that into more long-term support too. You know, if if your person, your friend or family member who's holding this loss, if they're okay talking about it, keep talking about it with them then, you know, talk about what great the child would be in now or what they wonder about the child or what they're wishing, you know, they could be experiencing. Um, you know, one idea too is just take a note of when that baby's birth month or due date was and send them a card. Send your friend a card or your family member a card around the time that their baby would have been born, and even subsequently, like, you know, forever, you know, sending a card to them that month of that birth that should have happened and just to acknowledge, you know, what that month was supposed to have held for them.

Erin Nelson 26:26

I like the idea of sometimes there is a flower um according to your birth month. And we've heard of our families, they get that same flower um that their child would have been born in that month, and whatever that birth month was, that their friends give them those flowers every year. And so there are all kinds of just meaningful ways that we can remember them.

Brad Quillen 26:50

And I know you've you've talked about this before on the podcast, Erin, just about the lighting the candle and being able to take a picture and just being able to send it and say hey, in in memory of.

Including Siblings in Remembering

Erin Nelson 26:59

We grieve in community and anytime somebody can join us as we're remembering them, it could be just a period of time after that baby died where they say, Hey, we just lit a candle every night during our dinner time just to remember your baby. And or it could be on the anniversary, um, the death anniversary or the due date, whatever it might be. Anytime you can just snap a photo and just say, Hey, we're remembering you today. We're thinking about you. You're you're not forgotten and your baby mattered and they were real.

Brad Quillen 27:31

Yeah. It can be this simple. Hey, Colleen, as we wrap up this episode, we always want to give an activity for families to be able to engage in. Is there something that they can do even in the midst of stillbirth or in pregnancy loss as a family to honor and remember that person?

How Friends Can Show Up

Colleen Montague 27:49

We're gonna keep it very simple with this activity, and it's inviting your child to write a letter or draw a picture for their sibling, you know, and whether you uh drop it off at the cemetery or, you know, wherever that maybe the scattering site was, going to visit that a space during that time as well, but just giving your child the opportunity to to share something with their sibling, to deepen the activity with them. You could prompt them with, I wish and I wonder, you know, what what activities do you wish you would have had the opportunity to do together? What were you hoping for? You know, did you did you want to go to the park and introduce them to your favorite slide? Do you wish that you could have taught them how to draw a picture like you do? And the wondering, you know, I wonder what your favorite color would have been. I wonder if your favorite color would have been blue like mine. And you can take that idea of the I wonder and I wish into real time, into your daily activities with your other child or children, of just, oh, I wonder what your brother would have thought of this. I wonder if they would have liked to ride their scooter like you. I wonder what their favorite food would be or what food they wouldn't like. And so just not being afraid to go into that space because when you do, you're showing your child that it's okay for them to do it too.

Brad Quillen 29:20

That's good. Colleen, thank you for that. That's really good for those families that are listening. Erin and Colleen, I'm glad we've brought this topic up on the podcast, and we're gonna continue it in our next podcast episode, and we have a guest coming, Ashley with Bridget's Cradles. And so we're gonna continue the conversation on loss and stillbirth. Erin, I know there's something you wanted to share with our listeners today as we wrap up this podcast. Why don't you go ahead and take a moment?

Erin Nelson 29:48

Just as our listeners have given us really great feedback, I just want to say if you could just take a moment to rate our podcast and also write a review. It helps get it into the hands of those who need it most. And so every time you review a podcast, it goes up a little bit into ratings. And so if somebody just types in grief in a podcast search, they can find this podcast. And as we know that it's been so helpful for parents who are grieving, we want to get it into more hands. So please rate and review.

Brad Quillen 30:25

Thanks, Erin. And let me remind you: be sure to visit jessicashouse.org for more grief resources. And if you have any other topics or questions you'd like us to cover on this podcast, we welcome your email at info at jessicashouse.org. Be sure to join us for the next episode of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 30:44

Until then, we wish you well. Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org. Thank you for joining us, and we'll see you next time for When Grief Comes Home.