Cradled in Hope

Welcome to the When Grief Comes Home podcast. We're glad you're here. This podcast supports parents who are grieving a spouse, partner, or child while helping their children who are living through the loss of a parent or sibling. With personal grief stories and professional guidance, we offer parents practical tips for supporting their child who is grieving while caring for their own grief. 

Hope doesn’t erase grief—it gives it somewhere to go. We sit down with Ashley Oplinger, founder and executive director of Bridget’s Cradles and host of Cradled in Hope, to trace how a handmade cradle in a Wichita hospital became a nationwide lifeline for more than 30,000 bereaved families each year. Ashley shares Bridget’s story with unflinching honesty, opening space for the raw questions parents carry after miscarriage and stillbirth: Where is God? Why does guilt cling to my body? How do I live with an empty nursery and a full heart?

Together we explore a practical, faith‑rooted path through loss. Ashley explains how she moved from feeling forsaken to trusting God’s character, flipping the script so scripture shapes thoughts and feelings instead of letting pain define who God is. We talk about the ministry of presence, what to say (and what to avoid), and simple survival tools for the hard nights—protein when meals feel impossible, opening the blinds, and listening to the Psalms when reading is too heavy. Ashley also offers a clear, comforting vision of heaven and the new earth, where reunion is real and embodied, and why “grateful and grieving” can exist at the same time without cancelling each other out.

Ashley also honors her father, SRG, who was killed by a drunk driver, and shares how drumming became therapy—turning anger into rhythm and engaging the brain much like EMDR. If you or someone you love is navigating pregnancy or infant loss, you’ll find gentle wisdom, practical guidance, and resources: support groups, free ebooks, and Ashley’s new book, Cradled in Hope. Listen, share with a friend who needs it, and help us reach more parents—subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what helps you hold both joy and sorrow today?

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Welcome & Book Context

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello, and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:10

I'm Erin Nelson, Founding Executive Director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:14

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program Director for Jessica's House and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Brad Quillen 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen, and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 0:25

This podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Brad Quillen 1:01

Hello, hello. This is Brad from Jessica's House. And today we're honored to be joined by our guest, Ashley Opliger. Ashley is the Founder and Executive Director of Bridget's Cradle, a national nonprofit that provides hope and healing to over 30,000 bereaved families each year. She also hosts the podcast Cradled in Hope and just launched her book by the same name this summer. Erin, Colleen, we've gotten to know Ashley over the last little bit, but would you take just a moment and kind of introduce us to her?

Erin Nelson 1:28

Yeah, Brad, it was just so great to get to know Ashley. She was writing her book, Cradled in Hope, and with her podcast, we were invited to be on her podcast when we were launching When Grief Comes Home. So Colleen and I had the honor of sitting with her just to talk a little bit about our book, and we heard more about her story that really is about losing her daughter Bridget and when she was pregnant with her, and also about her ministry, Cradled in Hope and Bridget's Cradles. And so as she was talking with us, we also learned that her dad had died very suddenly as he was riding his motorcycle and got hit by a drunk driver. And so today she's going to introduce her story, and um, we'll be able to just talk to her and share with her. And it was just such a great conversation. So we'll hop right in.

Brad Quillen 2:23

Ashley, can you tell us about Bridget and how she changed your life?

Ashley Opliger 2:28

Yeah. So our first daughter and our first child, Bridget Faith Opliger, was stillborn on October 22nd, 2014. And to kind of go backwards in that same year in May, my husband and I got married. And so we were newly married and excited to be married and grow our family. We weren't expecting to conceive so soon, but we were very pleasantly surprised to come home from our St. Lucia honeymoon with a little souvenir. And we came back with Bridget and we were just so excited. Of course, we didn't know she was a girl at that time, but we were so excited to grow our family and become parents. And so things were pretty normal in the very beginning of my pregnancy. And I was about 13 weeks when I was at work. I used to be a speech language pathologist before I left to do full-time ministry. But during that time, I was working as a speech pathologist with children. And I was at work and I started having very heavy bleeding. And I went to the emergency room because of that. And they diagnosed it as a subchorionic hemorrhage. And I was put on bed rest. Thankfully, she was still her heart was still beating, but they basically said there's a very strong likelihood that you're going to miscarry because of the hemorrhage. And so the best thing you can do is go on bed rest. And so I was on bed rest for 11 weeks during my pregnancy with her. Um, just a lot of bleeding and complications and a lot of wondering where was God in the midst of this? And why is He not answering prayers for the hemorrhage to heal and for her to grow? And eventually she um I went into labor because of the placental abruption that was caused from the bleeding. And when I delivered her, she was already in the arms of Jesus. So she was stillborn. And in the midst of that experience of even though we knew that was a likely outcome because of what the doctors were telling us throughout my high-risk pregnancy, it still was just so shocking and traumatic to deliver a baby, especially our first baby, with not, you know, no crying, no heartbeat. And it just was the saddest, most heartbreaking thing I could imagine. And we were in that hospital room and the hospital staff, they placed Bridget in a receiving blanket like you would normally see at the hospital, and she was only 13 ounces, so she was so tiny. Um, but she was perfectly made and just very, very cute and tiny, but very fragile. And so my mom pulled out this little cradle that she had made about a week before, and she was actually trying to make a blanket, but then God gave her the idea to knit the sides up and turn it into a cradle. And so at that moment when we placed Bridget in the cradle, it just really gave us such a peace and a comfort in the midst of so much pain and sadness. And we were able to spend 24 hours just loving on her and holding her in that little cradle.

Brad Quillen 5:34

Ashley, your work touches the hearts of so many families working through unimaginable loss. Would you just kind of share a little bit about what led you to write Cradled in Hope?

Ashley Opliger 5:45

So it was a long time in the making. God really had put it on my heart shortly after Bridget was born, but really he needed to walk me through a grieving and healing journey so that as he was healing my heart, that I would have wisdom to share and he would led me to the biblical truth that I really felt like he was asking me to write in this book. But a lot of it came from we after Bridget was born, we started the ministry, Bridget's Cradles, in her memory, and we started donating these little cradles to hospitals all across the country. We're now we've now been a nonprofit for 10 years, and we've donated our cradles to over 1,600 hospitals in all 50 states. And so we've grown exponentially since the beginning of having Bridget in her little cradle in Wichita, Kansas. But from there, we knew that we wanted to do even more in the ministry. That we believe the cradles are a comfort in that heartbreaking moment at the hospital when you're holding your baby. But we wanted when the families go home from the hospital and they have empty arms and they're going back to this empty nursery to have more than the cradle. And the the comfort that we believe is an eternal comfort is the hope of the gospel. And so we then really focused on other aspects of the ministry, such as our support groups, which we do in person in our headquarters here in Kansas and online. And then we also have a podcast, as you mentioned, Cradled and Hope. And then the book kind of kind of came after that because I had written so many messages for all of our support groups, and had written out a lot of content of what God had been speaking through my grieving and healing journey and through studying his word on grief and suffering and the theology of death and trying to process all of these really complex questions about God in the midst of trials and loss. And so all of that was being created in the process of having support groups and leading other grieving moms through their journey. And then when we started the podcast, I started interviewing all different moms and hearing their stories and sharing more of what God was speaking in my life. And it just really felt like it was time to write the book. And I had actually been working on the book before the podcast, but um the book uh publisher um Bethany House, um, it just everything lined up in the right timing for God to put it out into the world. And like you said, it just released um less than a month ago, and it's been a joy to see how God's using it and will continue to use it to speak hope for grieving moms in the midst of one of the most heartbreaking tragedies that anyone can experience on this earth, losing a child.

Wrestling With God and Theology

Erin Nelson 8:31

Ashley, in your book, Cradled in Hope, you write about feeling abandoned by God when you lost Bridget. And, you know, when I think about Jessica's House and all the parents that we support after the death of a child, um, we hear that a lot, just that feeling of abandonment. I know um even in my own story, I felt that and wondered where he was. And how did you walk through that? And what would you say to someone who doesn't really feel God is with them in their pain?

Finding God’s Presence in Pain

Ashley Opliger 9:08

I felt that the most during my time on bed rest. I was at home alone. So, you know, my husband had to go back to work after I was put on bed rest, and my friends and family were at work, and so I was alone, basically in bed all day, every day for 11 weeks. And the enemy really used that time. I feel like, you know, especially when you're alone and isolated, the enemy is gonna start speaking those lies of, you know, where is God? Where is your God? And he must not love you, and he's abandoned you, he's rejected you. And I remember one day specifically, I had been laying in bed and I not to be TMI, but the the only thing I would do was get up and change pads. And it was just all this bleeding, and I just felt like, how is God allowing this to happen to my body and to my baby? And I remember standing up from my bed and it was dark in my room, and I said it out loud, I said, Nothing good will ever come from this. And it was like a declaration that I felt like I needed to say out loud, like, God, how dare you? Like, how could you let this happen? Like, nothing good will come from this. Like it was a very, in my mind, a kind of a spiteful comment, as if like I was just saying, like, God, I just can't believe that you've let this happen. And I then was in the bathroom and I was looking at myself in the mirror, and I just remember the enemy speaking such an awful thing to me. It's like, you know, God doesn't love you, you're not good enough to be a mom, like he's taking your baby, and just really awful things that I was hearing. And I say that not to think say that I'm like hearing demons or anything, but like I think sometimes our own thought life, we can say these things in our head, like they're our own thoughts, but it's the enemy speaking things that are not true, um, planting these lies. And for me, it was very much the lie of God must not love you, he must be punishing you, he's abandoned you, he's he's not for you, or he's not a good God. Um, because if he was a good God, then he's he wouldn't allow this kind of thing to happen. And so I have really found through my own journey of those why questions and dealing with those just feelings of feeling forsaken, really, and walking through so many uh with so many other grieving moms who have felt the same way as you have said. And I know so many of our listeners listening today, and and many of the families that you serve at Jessica's house have felt this way. It's like, why God? Why me? Like, what did I do to deserve this? You know, and I think especially if you're a Christian, you feel like, well, I've I'm following you, Jesus. Like, why, why would you let this happen? I would like for us, Matt and I, we were Christian parents who wanted to raise a child to know the Lord. And so we're like, why would you, why would you let her die? And and really what I had to come to the realization, and I talk a lot about this in my book, and I'll I'll try to summarize it here. But essentially what I found was that I was believing things about God that were not true, of his character and his nature, and I had developed errors in my theology of God, and I wasn't basing it off of what's true in his word. And so this is on page 58 of my book, but I have a flow chart that talks about how I was letting my circumstances influence my feelings, and my feelings were influencing my thoughts, and the thoughts were in basically influencing my perception of God. So, in other words, my circumstances and what I was walking through skewed my perception of who God was, and I was believing things about him that were not true. And if you skip to the and turn the page on page 60, I said, if you misinterpret God's word, you'll misunderstand God's character and you'll ultimately mistrust God. And I think that's where I was at. But what I discovered was that if we change that and we flip it over and we change the flow, if we study God through the truth of his word and we understand the truth of who God is, and we let that influence our thoughts and our thoughts, then we'll dictate our feelings, and then that will change our perception of our circumstances. And so that was a huge shift for me of saying instead of letting what I'm walking through, which is ever changing, always changing how I view God. If I'm going through something hard, then I think there's something bad. If I'm being blessed, then he's good. Like that, God is good all the time. My circumstances can't change his goodness. He's immutable, which means he's never changing. And so I think for me, when I've really established like God is who he is, he is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. And he is good. And so if he can't change, then that's not going, then I need to be thinking about how does that truth resonate with changing how I'm viewing what I'm walking through. And that was huge for me. And I know that that sounds simplistic, maybe to think of it that way. And it's definitely harder than it sounds to change that. But it was years for me of studying God's word and learning to trust his character and saying, yes, he is good and he loves me. He is not punishing me, he is for me and he grieves with me over the loss of my baby, and he is going to walk with me through this. So that's kind of an overview of that entire chapter, which is called Broken and Bleeding, which is essentially talking about when you feel abandoned by God. That was a huge part of my journey.

Erin Nelson 14:59

Can you think of a time, Ashley, that you know, you talked about, you know, kind of that transformation from feeling that distance from God. How have you experienced God in your healing and how have you felt him close?

Guilt, Shame, and Self‑Grace

Ashley Opliger 15:16

Yeah. Well, he's always with us. And I think that sometimes it takes intentionality on our part to slow down and hear him. I think there's a propensity to try to keep ourselves busy and distracted from feeling pain. I know that is my tendency for sure. And, you know, for some people it might be different negative coping mechanisms that they turn to to numb out the pain. For me, it's really trying to distract myself by keeping myself busy. And sometimes it's keeping myself busy with good things that are godly things, they're not sinful things. But if we're constantly turning to something else other than God, um, that can become problematic in our healing because God does want us to sit in our sadness with him and to lament and to bring it to him. And when we have these hard questions about God and we feel forsaken, it's better to yell at him and I mean, lit either literally or figuratively, and be like, God, where are you? I mean, I've had times where I've been crying out to him and I say exactly how I feel. And that's healing because there's breakthrough on the other side of being honest with him because he already knows our hearts. And so if we're like holding out resentment toward him and we're fostering these feelings about him that aren't true, but we're turning our back from him and we're trying to deal with it on our own, that's only going to cause problems later. And so I've always felt like just being honest with him and even saying the hard things. And I'll give you an example. Like this past year, and granted, this is like after I've been leading support groups for years and writing a Christian book on grief and all of this, you know, read the Bible multiple times and been following Jesus for my whole life. Um, after my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I had this moment in my house where I was alone and I was crying and I said to God out loud, This tends to be my mo is just to finally say things that I'm feeling out loud to God as if he can't already hear my thoughts. But I said, God, you're so cruel. And obviously, that statement is not true. He is not cruel, but it was pivotal for me to finally say what I was feeling because then I could address that with the truth of God's word. And he addressed that statement in a very intimate way for me a couple months after I said that. I was at in Denver. Um, I have been doing an intensive grief counseling program out there after the loss of my dad. It's like three hours a day of counseling and for a week at a time. And so I was out there and it was the week of Good Friday and holy week. And I went to a church I'd never been to, and I went to their Good Friday service. And I'm there, they're doing this very reverent service about the Last Supper and Jesus' just final moments with his disciples before heading to the cross. And as I was listening to this music and just processing the day of Good Friday, I just I was imagining his suffering. And I was thinking about my dad's own suffering in the hospital and having to watch my dad suffer at the hands of someone else's sin. And I was thinking about what it would be like to stand and watch Jesus on Calvary, like actually be there and watch him be crucified. And I know that's a little morbid, but I think it's important as followers of Jesus to actually think about the fact that this happened. He was whipped and he was crucified and spit at and mocked. And it's awful to think about. And when you really sit and think about it, it makes you cry. And that's I was there. I was crying. And it just dawned on me in that moment, like he is anything but cruel. He endured cruelness for us so that we would be saved from eternity in hell. And that just moment just really gripped my heart of like, how could I say he's cruel? Like, how could I say that? He he was not responsible for my dad's death. Sin was responsible for my dad's death. And Jesus came to overcome that and overcome death. And because of Jesus, I will see my dad again and I will see my daughter again. And I think there was a huge breakthrough in just being honest with God. And so to answer your question in a roundabout way, I think just coming to him with just your whole heart and all the emotions and the feelings and all of that and being honest with him is just is where he will meet you and he will show you who he is.

Colleen Montague 20:20

Ashley, I've I had the honor to sit along other moms and dads in our heartstrings group in Jessica's house, and uh they've experienced a miscarriage or still birth loss. And, you know, so often I've heard, you know, that self-blame that mothers you just naturally tend to carry. You know, they replay every moment wondering if they did something wrong. Um, what would you want to say to a mom who's trapped in that cycle of guilt or self-criticism?

Heaven, Eternity, and Hope

Holding Joy and Sorrow Together

Ashley Opliger 20:53

Yes. So I have an entire chapter on that very topic. It's called Grace Upon Grace, when you can't forgive yourself. It's chapter seven. And I wrote this from a very real place of experiencing those feelings myself. I felt a lot of guilt and shame that my body failed my daughter, and that even though I didn't have control over what was happening, there is a propensity for mothers to feel as though, because it is your body, that somehow that kind of that line between your body and your identity as a mom, it's very thin. And so I feel like you can become feel like you're a bad mom if if your baby has died. And it's not true at all. But I think for me, like after I delivered Bridget, I had such a hard time like changing and getting in the shower. Cause if I'd see my body, I would just have like shame and like guilt of like, your body killed your daughter. It's like it's the thought that I had, like, your body failed. And it was just such an awful feeling. And I had to really learn to understand, like, no, the brokenness of this world in my body caused these complications that were outside of my control. And I am a good mom. If there was something I could have done to save her, I would have. And so, and I say that in my book, like, because I talk to so many moms that they feel like, oh, they ate something wrong. They shouldn't have been in the car for too long. They did some sort of sort of strenuous activity, and they're like, I shouldn't have helped, you know, move that day or do this or out in the heat. I mean, I've heard so many different things that moms have felt like it was the reason for their baby's death. And I always remind them if you could have saved them, you would have. I know you would have. That's you are a good mom. There are simply things outside of our control. And that's a really unsettling feeling because especially as parents and as moms, like we feel like it's our, I mean, God has wired us to nurture and to protect our children. And so we feel so that is our responsibility. But there are things in this world that we cannot, we cannot protect our babies, our loved ones from. And so that was a big thing for me was realizing that my body's failure to grow her and sustain her was not indicative of my identity as a mom. And that I am a good mom and I would have done everything I could to save her. And I I did try, you know, I stayed, stayed in bed and all of those things. And so you have to rest in that. And also something else that I mentioned in the book is extending the same grace you would give to someone else that was explaining their story to yourself, which is so such an interesting thing to think about. But for example, I regret that we did not take video of Bridget after she was born. We have pictures of her, all of that. But I just wasn't in the mindset to think that we should have taken video. And there's other moms that do have video of their baby. And so sometimes I'll just kind of like beat myself up about it and be like, why didn't you think to do that? Like that was your only chance to get any video of you holding your baby. And so through that, I would I wrote in the book basically, if I were to hear someone else tell me that they felt regretful that they didn't take video, you know, with their baby, my immediate response to that person would be like, Oh my goodness, though, you you were going through such a tragic loss of your baby. You were in shock, you were in grief, you were in the hospital. Like, how would you think? Why would you think to do that? Like you're a good mom, and I would have so much grace for that woman. And it's so interesting that I don't do that for myself. And so I think sometimes trying to tell your story to yourself and trying to hear it from the perspective of someone else, like what would they say? Of course, they would have grace for you. And of course, you should have grace for yourself because that's God gives us grace, just endless grace, grace upon grace. And I think that does help as you're having those feelings of shame to understand that you're a good mom. You did the best you could in the circumstances that you were in and you were going through the worst kind of loss that you can. And then in that, you should have grace for yourself.

Colleen Montague 25:35

I love a lot of things about what you just said, you know, just to remind yourself that if you could have saved your child, you would have, you know, and just to to be able to honor the that there's so much out of our control. And you you're so right. We're really quick to give grace to others and not as quick to give it to ourselves, but that's important. And I'm glad that you have learned that for yourself, and I hope that that can be helpful for our listener too. Yes, I pray so.

Erin Nelson 26:10

Ashley, you know, when you experience a loss like you have, heaven becomes so real. And you know, some you knew Bridget and Ashley was, you know, inside of you. You had a relationship with her, much like even your dad, you knew where he was on any given moment of the day, and you could picture him in that place, and then all of a sudden it's like we transition to um heaven, and what um what a change that is. And so, how has your understanding of heaven and eternity evolved just through your grief?

From One Cradle to 1,600 Hospitals

Mid‑show Break & Resources

Ashley Opliger 26:56

Yeah, that's an excellent question, and it's something that I think about all the time. I think once Bridget went to heaven, I really wanted to know more about what it's like and where it is and and all of that. And I had a lot of different perceptions of what heaven was like from growing up. And I think sometimes we have this very like distant, ethereal kind of viewpoint of it. And in some ways it feels because it feels so unfamiliar and mystical and mysterious, it feels like, well, I don't really want to go there. Like, I don't know what it's like to be in, you know, floating in clouds with harps and things. I mean, that was my childlike perception of heaven. But really, when I started studying heaven in the Word and also Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, which is basically just a compilation of scripture around what heaven is like, I really changed my perspective. And I think the thing that helped me understand was that there are two heavens. So there's the current heaven that exists right now, and it's above us, it's above earth. And that is the place where believers go now if they die, including our babies. And so that place is a place without the glorified bodies because we haven't had the resurrection yet. And then there's the new heaven and the new earth, which is going to be the eternal state. So after Jesus comes back, and I'm, you know, skipping over some chronology of the end times, but um, that's not what you asked me to come on here and talk about, but I could I could do that all day. But essentially, Jesus will come back, and then eventually there will be this resurrection, and that's when we will be met up with our immortal, glorified bodies, and we will live on a new earth and a new heaven, and this current earth will be burned up essentially. And so that actually is the heaven that really excites me because that's the one I can picture better because it's familiar like home, because it's going to be a new earth, and we're going to be in physical bodies. The current heaven is spiritual, it is a physical place. Jesus describes it as paradise. He says that to the thief on the cross that he surely like I will see you today in paradise. And so we know it is a physical place. And all the Old Testament writers talk about how it's above earth. Um, but since we haven't been there, we haven't seen it for ourselves, there's a little mystery in my mind of what that's going to be like. But the final heaven where we'll be with our children forever and ever and we'll never be separated again. That heaven is going to be very familiar and home-like because it's going to be earth, but even better than earth. It's, you know, the Bible in Revelation, it describes it as just having streets made of gold that are so they're clear as glass, and there's going to be a river running through, and the tree of life, and Jesus and God that will dwell with us in as it was in the Garden of Eden. So this is going to just be the way God intended creation to be, without sin and death and pain and grieving and crying, all of those old order of things will have passed away. Revelation 21, verse 4. And so I just I could talk all day about that, but I think that's what excites me the most. I'm the current heaven excites me too, as well. And I know that if if I were to die right now, I'd be immediately in the presence of the Lord and be with my dad and Bridget. Um, but I'm especially excited for the resurrection and the eternal state when we're in glorified bodies and we will see and hold our children in the flesh, which as a grieving mom, that is just the desire of our heart to be able to be with them again and see them. And so I definitely think that losing a child and losing my dad has just fixed my eyes on heaven. I'm very excited to go there. I have a section in my book called Homesick, and and that's honestly how I feel is just homesick for the place that I was made for, and the place that all of us were made for is to be there with Jesus and to never have to say goodbye to our loved ones again.

Colleen Montague 31:11

Ashley, many many parents struggle with the tension between joy and sorrow. You know, you have two boys, and so you know, you are now celebrating milestones with them, but also while missing Bridget. You know, what how have you learned to hold both of those emotions at the same time?

Ashley Opliger 31:31

Yes. So you said hold both, and that is um the name of one of my chapters, holding both, because that was actually a term my counselor mentioned to me, because sometimes I will think in terms of this feeling or this feeling. And a lot of times it seems like, well, they're like conflicting feelings. Joy and sorrow are conflicting feelings, but it's interesting because those things can exist and coexist at the same time. You can be grateful and grieving, you can feel joy and sorrow. You can, there's all of those emotions are valid and can happen at the same time. And I think that's a part of our human experience of living on a broken earth is that yes, there are going to be those joyful moments and those highs of getting married and having kids and going on vacations and all these things, but there's also death and grief and loss and trauma and relational tension and trials that you walk through in this world. And all of those things cause sorrow and just uh so many emotions that you can experience anger, frustration, disappointment. And so as you're navigating this life, you're gonna have those things. And I think what helped me was understanding that those things don't cancel each other out, that I can very much grieve my daughter and miss her and long to see her again. And I can be grateful for the boys that God gave me on this earth and enjoy raising them and feel the joy of having this family, but also feel as though this isn't the way that it was supposed to be. Our family is incomplete until heaven.

Brad Quillen 33:19

Hey, Ashley, in talking about other folks, you support them uh in fifty states, thirty thousand different families and in sixteen different hospitals. Can you kind of just share how that all came about, like the starting point for that for your nationwide ministry, and just kind of how that was born from your own personal loss? Because when I read that in the the intro, um it's it's crazy that it's across the country, you know, 30,000 families. That's a lot of people in heartache um across our country. But but just kind of how did that come about?

Ashley Opliger 33:55

Yes, so it's 30,000 a year of cradles and memory keepsakes that we send out to 1,600 hospitals. And all of that started from this little cradle in Wichita, Kansas at Wesley Medical Center. And from there, really, what happened was the hospital staff said, we don't have anything like this. We don't have a way to hold babies in a very functional and dignified way. And so my mom started knitting more cradles and I started working on the website. And about six months later, there was a news station in Wichita that did a story on us, and basically that story ended up airing nationwide across TV stations, and um Buzz Uahoo 360 picked it up and it went viral. And all of these hospitals across the country were saying, we need these cradles, we need something for babies that are stillborn in the second trimester. And so once we knew there was a nationwide need, um, we started just recruiting more volunteers and more people. Honestly, the Lord just brought everyone to us and we started receiving more cradles. And from there, it just really grew. And we've had hospitals across the country finding us from word of mouth and from social media and Google and all of those things. And we go to a lot of conferences and things like that to spread the word. But just over time, the Lord has grown it, and we still feel like there's a lot of opportunity to reach more families and hospitals across the country as we hope to one day be in every hospital.

Brad Quillen 35:33

Ashley, thank you for that. We're gonna take a break. And when we come back, we're gonna talk a little bit more about just some of the practical wisdom you've learned and some of the things you can offer for some of those families that are walking through that. But we'll do that right after the break.

Gary Shriver 35:47

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessica'shouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org.

How to Show Up for Grievers

Colleen Montague 36:39

Welcome back, listeners. Ashley, I'm gonna jump right back in. I want to hear from you and learn from you. You know, a lot of times well-meaning friends and families sometimes say things that add to a grieving parent's pain. What guidance would you offer to someone who wants to support a friend through pregnancy or infant loss, but doesn't know what to say or do?

Ashley Opliger 37:02

So I think there's so much to be said about the ministry of presence, just being physically present, emotionally present for someone who's grieving. So often I think people are so uncomfortable with grief and sadness, as you know well that it's just something that a lot of people feel very uncomfortable, sitting around someone who's so sad and not knowing what to say. And so sometimes not saying anything at all, but just being willing to listen and to cry with them and let them cry on your shoulder, um, just showing up for them in very practical ways, offering to help them in various things, because when you're grieving, it can be really hard to just do basic functions. So whether that's setting up a meal train for someone, bringing them a meal putting on their porch or um dropping off flowers, offering to pick up groceries and trying to do that in a way where you actually offer them something very specific because grieving, when you're grieving, it's really hard to tell people what you need, or if someone says, Let me know if you need anything, um, a lot of times people won't take you up on that and won't actually say, actually, could you bring me a meal? Like there's a very good chance someone's not going to say that. And so if you ask someone, can I bring you a meal on Monday or Tuesday, there's a good chance that that person will say Tuesday because um they do want that help, but it's just much easier to respond that way. And so we actually have an ebook on our Bridget's Cradles website that's completely free. It's for anyone who's wanting to support a friend or family member who's lost a baby. And it gives very practical guidance on everything I've just shared about sitting in their sadness talking to them. It does talk about things to say and not to say, and also gives some practical ideas on ways to offer help. It also has a gift guide of ideas that you could give to someone in memory of a baby, um personalized gifts with their baby's name on it. Um, and so we have all of that for free on our website on our ebooks page. And I think that's super helpful. But if I had to sum it all up, I think the most important thing is just presence and knowing that someone cares and sees you because a lot of times after the funeral, you know, you get a lot of support right at the very beginning. And then as you know, and I'm sure that you've seen this with so many families that you walk through grief with at Jessica's house, the support just kind of drops off over the months. And especially by the time you hit a year, it's like, does anyone remember? Does anyone see me? And I'm still grieving yet the world has completely moved on and it feels like no one even cares. And I think having friends and family members that are still actively asking how you're doing and talking about your baby, your loved one, it's so helpful to just know that someone's still there and sees you.

Erin Nelson 40:02

Thank you, Ashley. And, you know, just thinking about the mamas today that are really deep in their grief. And, you know, I think about um, we were talking earlier today. I'm kind of coming up on Carter's Heaven Day next month. And, you know, it's hard to sleep sometimes. And, you know, just our mamas that are just kind of in a dark moment. What would you say to a mom who's maybe listening to this podcast in the middle of the night, just wondering how she'll ever survive this loss?

Night Grief: Practical Survival

Ashley Opliger 40:40

I'm so sorry that you're about to navigate Carter's Heaven Day. I know that so often the anticipation of those hard days can be even harder than the day itself. And just your body remembers, you know, there's that book, The Body Keeps the Score, I think is what it's called. But it's the fact that trauma and grief your body remembers, your brain remembers. And it can be very triggering walking through the same season and remembering everything that led up to that day. I know I've walked through that myself, and so I will be praying for you and remembering Carter with you. But I resonated with what you said about it being hard to sleep when you're going through grief and just staying up at night. I added a whole part to my book because I had been writing this book, you know, several years after I lost Bridget. And so I wasn't in the freshness of grief. But after I turned the manuscript in in June of 24, I my dad was killed that next month. And so it was all of a sudden when I had to write my revisions for my second draft to turn in, I was in a very fresh place of grief. And so I actually added a lot of content into the book. That's essentially what you're asking me for is how do you just survive when you are in survival mode and you can't eat and you can't sleep. And so I have a lot of practical um ideas in there. And some of them seem like, oh, this is a Christian book. Shouldn't it be more spiritualized? But I was like, you know what? I need to just be a friend here and say sometimes it's hard to even get yourself to eat anything that day or to fall asleep. And so I talk about some easy ways to get protein in. And I know that sounds silly, but it's like, you know, it's hard to get yourself to eat a meal. So can you eat a protein bar just to give yourself some energy? Because you're so, I mean, grief is exhausting. You, it just takes everything out of you. And um talk about just trying to open up the windows in the morning because it can feel you just want to kind of close yourself into the darkness. And so, even just the simple act of opening up the windows in the morning and letting the light in can be very helpful. Um, and you know, when you're trying to read God's word, it can be really hard to open up your Bible when you're just so exhausted and sad. And so one of the things that a friend did for me was just read the Bible to me, like voice messages of the Psalms. And um, if you have UVersion app, you can you have the audio version if you just are laying there and you're like, I can't even pick up the Bible right now, but I I need the truth, I need the hope infused in me right now. Just lay your phone next to your head and put put the audio version on and just listen to the psalms. Um, that's tends to be what I like to listen to when I'm in grief, is just having David's words, you know, of of lament and crying out just spoken over me and knowing that yes, he's grieving and he's questioning God, but he's always coming back to truth and hope. And so those are some of the recommendations. I have many more in my book. And I think it's it's really hard when you're in that moment of like, I don't know how I'm gonna function. But coming back to what we said earlier, just having grace for yourself that right now you're not going to be as productive as you used to. You're not gonna be able to do all the things that you were once doing, and having the perspective of knowing this is for a season. Like at one point I will be able to cook a meal again. At one point, I will be able to exercise again or pick up my Bible, whatever it is. Having grace for yourself and not being too critical of like, why can't I get it together? Why can't I do these things? Understanding you've gone through real something really, really hard and traumatic. And you have to have grace for yourself to just sit in that sadness and let God heal you before you're expecting to be doing all the things again.

Colleen Montague 44:46

Yeah, Ashley, you just talked about your dad and um how he died a year ago now. You know, that's another loss that you've been really holding this past year and very fresh. Can you tell our listeners about your dad? Help us to get to know him a little better, and you know, what that loss was like as you wrote the book, too.

Remembering SRG: Ashley’s Dad

Ashley Opliger 45:07

Yeah, well, thank you for asking. So his name is Stephen Richard Golick. We always called him SRG, his initials. Um and so we always kind of inside joke because he was really good with like carpentry and woodwork. In fact, the focal wall that you see, that's my dad did that um with my husband. And my husband has learned a lot from my dad over the years from working on so many projects with him. Um we have a lot of different focal walls in our house and workbenches and all the things. But we whenever he would make something like this, he would say, like, are you gonna give a shout out to SRG kind of thing? And so um, it's just kind of an inside joke. But um shout out right here to SRG. Shout out to SRG. Um he was just such an amazing dad. I mean, from my earliest memories of him, just very loving. Um, I write in the book about how he would give us hugs and he would tell us, Do you feel my love arrows? And that was just like an endearing term that we had as a family was do you feel my love arrows? And we say that with our boys. And so now at night we fill each other's love tanks with love arrows. And um he was he was an engineer, and so he definitely was very type A like myself. I think I have a lot in common with him. Um, and you know, pretty nerdy. He was very much into spreadsheets and stuff, but very loving and sentimental. And um, he really, really grieved the loss of Bridget, and he he ended up writing a song for her and wrote a poem. And I actually was able to publish his poem um in the book, the beginning, and then the song that he wrote on guitar is actually on Bridget's Cradles website, and there's a link in my book about it, but it's Bridgetscradles.com/ grampy, because that was what we called him, Grampy. And um yeah, he's just such a good loving dad. And so to lose him in such a sudden and tragic way at the hands of someone else, it's still a year later, so much for me to process. It still feels so surreal. Like I talk about it often and I talk about him, but it's like it still doesn't feel like I've understood the gravity of what's happened. Um, and I I mean I visit his grave all the time. It's the cemetery is very close to my house. I can walk there and I often do. And I think uh I it's like my brain knows that he's in heaven, but it's like how it, I still am like, how can that have happened? Like, how did that happen? And so as you know, when you go through something very sudden, it it takes a long time for your brain to process that as reality. And it's so tragic that you're just like, how could this have happened to him and to our family? And then we've had to navigate, you know, the criminal case and other legal situations, and that has added a lot of emotional weight and grief and been very difficult navigating a broken justice system and ad trying to advocate for earthly justice, which you know, there can't truly be earthly justice because we just want him back. We want him here. We wish that this would have never happened, that the people involved would have made different decisions that night. But again, we live in a broken world where these things happen and it is painful to be on this side of it, but I know that God's gonna make it right and that he will have justice at some point. And ultimately I will see my dad again. It's just the missing him so badly that hurts so much. Like I I think about him probably every hour of every day. I have grieved him very deeply. We were very close, and I love him very much, and I can't wait to see him. And yeah, I think he is watching over us and seeing all the things that we're doing. And he I do a lot of shout-outs to SRG. So hopefully I'll get some extra love arrows and hugs in heaven because he'll be like, Wow, you did a lot of things, but that is as we were talking off air, that is how I grief. I definitely want to honor the lives of those that I love because I and I talk about this in my book is grief is love. And so when your loved one is not here to physically love anymore, I believe that it's healthy to continue showing that love in other ways. And with Bridget, how I've expressed my love for her is in starting a ministry and helping other people and comforting other people. And with my dad, it's been learning to play the drums and flying planes and doing all these other things. I just hosted a helped orchestrate a motorcycle ride in his memory. And so I find unique ways to do it. And that's not to say everybody needs to grieve that way. Um, I certainly know that that's not how everyone grieves, but for me, I have to physically express that grief in a very tangible ways, or I feel like it will just just I would not be able to handle it. The grief, the pain would probably um be too much for me to handle. I have to find healthy ways to channel that grief and love.

Erin Nelson 50:42

Well, I have one healthy way that you've told us about, Ashley, that you've channeled your grief a little bit and expressed it. And there our listeners can't see us here, but we're sitting in our studio/slash Jessica'sHHh house music room. And on the wall over here, we have a drum. And I know when we talked earlier when we were launching our book, When Grief Comes Home, we talked a little bit about how you're expressing your grief. So can you tell us a little bit about drumming and how that's helping you?

Drumming as Therapy and EMDR‑like Rhythm

Ashley Opliger 51:13

Yes, I love the snare drum on your wall. I'm like, I want to be in your music studio. You got guitars in there. That's my kind of room. Um I, yes, I love music. I've loved music from an early age, and my dad was very instrumental, um, no pun intended, in um just instilling that love for music in me. And he played guitar his whole life, um, mostly electric guitar. And so classic rock music was kind of what I grew up listening to. And um, you know, as an adult, I I like like worship rock now and everything, but I still love the classic rock. And so after he went to heaven, I really felt this conviction to start playing the drums. And he we did have drum sets growing up. Like I think he had a drum set at one point, and then my brother had one. Um, but my dad and brother really were more in into guitar. And so I don't know what it was, but I was just like, I'm supposed to be a drummer. And so I bought an electric drum set um so that I could play at night when my boys were asleep. It was really like my free time is after bedtime. And so um I have an electric kit, it's just right outside the door here, and these headphones actually are my dad's, and I just jam out on this electric kit. And then I went out to Denver for that grief counseling that I talked to you about. And since I was gonna be there for a week, I ended up contacting a music studio and I did uh daily drum lessons every day, like a drumming boot camp. And after that week, I came home and told my husband, now I need an acoustic set. So now I have an electric set and an acoustic set. Um, my acoustic set is set up in my dad's music room, which is his office, and so his electric guitar and amps are in there, and then my new white um pearl drum set is in there. And it has been very therapeutic to drum and to express just sadness but anger as well, and just pent-up emotion. Um, it's also we talked about this when I had you on our podcast about the EMDR, kind of the the left and right brain both being online because you're using four limbs independently. I was telling my son last night that I had just learned this new paradiddle thing where essentially my right hand is keeping a beat on the ride, and then my my right foot on the kick, and then my left hand on the snare is doing like a paradiddle, while the right hand keeps at a different, like just steady beat. And at first I could not get this. And I was like, I told my son, I was like, my brain is not computing, like I cannot get these three limbs to do these three things. And the app that I use, it gives like a percentage of like how well you're doing because it's all connected to the app. And so it knows when you're hitting things right and when you're not hitting them. And at first I was like 20%, 30% could not get this. But then it was like I started isolating it and I got up to 98% with this thing. And I was like, you know, even if nothing comes from this and I'm not playing gigs and all of this stuff, like if anything else, it has been so healing for my brain to push through these challenges. And I really do think that left and right and movement is very good for a brain that's gone through trauma.

Brad Quillen 55:00

Hey, Ashley, speaking of resources, what are some ways that people and those that are listening can find support and just some of those additional things that you guys have for them?

Ashley Opliger 55:09

Yeah. So everything we have is on bridgetscradles.com.

Brad Quillen 55:14

Gotcha.

Where to Find Support & Closing Thanks

Ashley Opliger 55:15

And so you can go on there. The beautiful thing about our brand new website that just launched when my book launched is that we have a separate menu for the different people who might be coming to our website. And so we have a whole section for families. So grieving families that are coming and they're looking for support and resources, there's an entire menu and section for you to easily navigate to whether it's you're looking for the support group, the podcast, the book, the ebooks. If you're a volunteer and you want to knit or crochet or be a part of what we're doing, there's a whole section of our website and opportunities for you to serve there. Um, and then hospitals, when they are looking for us as a resource, there's an entire section of the website for them as well. So it's very easy. If you get to our homepage, you'll be able to find what you're looking for. But that's Bridgets cradles.com. And then I also have my author website, which is AshleyOplinger.com. And there is a free resource on there, which is the Cradled in Hope Guided Journal, which is essentially a workbook journal that goes with my book where people can write out their responses as they're walking through the book and healing with Jesus.

Erin Nelson 56:28

Ashley, thank you. It's just what a joy to be with you today. What a gift and um your story and about the ministry and about um Bridget. And thank you for sharing your dad with us. Shout out to SRG and just all that you're doing. It's been such a gift to have this time with you. And we wish you the very best. And so glad that your book in Cradled in Hope is out there for the world to have this amazing resource. And for our listeners, make sure you pick up her book, Cradled in Hope, wherever books are found. It's a beautiful resource and share it. And so thank you again. Thank you so much for having me.

Brad Quillen 57:13

Yeah, thank you, friend.

Erin Nelson 57:15

Thank you.

Brad Quillen 57:15

Erin, I know there's something you wanted to share with our listeners today as we wrap up this podcast. Why don't you go ahead and take a moment?

Erin Nelson 57:22

Just as our listeners have given us really great feedback, I just want to say if you could just take a moment to rate our podcast and also write a review. It helps get it into the hands of those who need it most. And so every time you review a podcast, it goes up a little bit into ratings. And so if somebody just types in grief in a podcast search, they can find this podcast. And as we know that it's been so helpful for parents who are grieving, we want to get it into more hands. So please rate and review.

Brad Quillen 58:00

Thanks, Erin. And let me remind you: be sure to visit jessicashouse.org for more grief resources. And if you have any other topics or questions you'd like us to cover on this podcast, we welcome your email at info at jessicashouse.org. Be sure to join us for the next episode of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 58:19

Until then, we wish you well. Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org. Thank you for joining us, and we'll see you next time for When Grief Comes Home.