Grieving Through the Holiday Season

The lights are bright, the music is loud, and everywhere you look someone is telling you to be merry—while your home carries an empty seat. We open the door to a different way of doing the holidays after a death, one that honors grief, protects your energy, and still makes space for your kids’ sparkle when they have it.

Together, Erin and Colleen name the reality many parents feel but rarely say out loud: traditions can hurt, “firsts” can ambush you, and rest isn’t optional. You’ll hear practical ways to simplify without guilt, set boundaries with family, and create a comfort space you can slip into for ten quiet minutes. We reframe asking for help as a deep act of connection and share a simple system—a visible task list and a trusted point person—to turn offers into real support. Plans are written in pencil, not Sharpie, so you can leave early, skip what stings, or try something new this year and return to old rituals later.

We also focus on kids’ needs. Use gentle, open prompts—“I wonder what you’re wondering”—to invite questions about the death, the person who died, and the season ahead. Blend conversation with movement: toss a balloon while you talk, shoot hoops and trade memories, or step outside to discharge extra energy. These small, playful rituals help children regulate big feelings and make remembering feel safe. And when their eyes light up for traditions you can’t carry alone, enlist your circle—let an aunt handle teacher gifts or a friend lead tree decorating for an hour—so kids feel supported without you burning out.

If the person’s absence feels like the loudest voice in the room, say it. Honesty lowers the pressure to be “okay” and teaches others how to support you. Press play for language you can use today, strategies you can try tonight, and permission to do only what your heart and body can hold. If this episode helps, please subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more grieving families can find their way to these tools.

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello, and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:10

I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:14

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, program director for Jessica's House and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Gary Shriver 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen, and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home. This podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Holidays Amplify Grief

Brad Quillen 1:01

Well, hello, hello. It's Brad from Jessica's House. As the holidays approach, we're exploring how to receive support during this holiday season as you grieve. Well, Erin Colleen, welcome back to the podcast. It's good to see you both today. And I know that this topic is one that we've seen over the dozen plus years that Jessica's House has been working with families to be kind of a touchy topic, if we're really honest. Erin, I think back to even the first years, the early years of how much decoration do we put up at Jessica's House? Like some families walk in and it's overwhelming to see a Christmas tree or lights because someone that they love died just a couple months ago, and that's the last thing from their mind. And some folks are feeling the pressure of I've got to keep it all up for my kiddos because I gotta do everything I can to give them a great Christmas. There's just so much emotion and decision and things to experience in the next few weeks as we enter the holidays, and we're kind of in the middle of it right now, but it's a hard time.

Erin Nelson 2:02

It is a hard time, Brad. And you know, I feel like it's so hard not to be bombarded through ads and music and going into just a regular store and driving in your neighborhood, and it's just all around us right now with the holidays, and it's you know, when we're here at Jessica's house, it is a very difficult season for families, especially those families that have a lot of traditions around the holidays. And we've heard so many stories about, you know, just over the years, and I remember especially one story from a family where, you know, dad was always the one that got the Christmas tree. That's right. Right. And so it's like, well, what are we going to do this year? All those special ornaments that you put on the tree, and you know, whether they feel like decorating or they don't want to decorate, and sometimes they do just a lighter approach. And sometimes, you know, what we've heard is they just wish they could just skip the holidays altogether. So this can be a very difficult season for the families that we're serving here at Jessica's house and for our listeners today.

Brad Quillen 3:16

Yeah, and I I think that we hear sometimes people say griefs around every corner, like you turn a corner and it's like, oh, I was I didn't even think about it. But this reminded me of the person who died, or that reminded me of the person who died. But as you were just talking, as you're driving down your street, yeah. There's Christmas lights everywhere or things in people's yards, and people are loving those traditions, but it's like it's more magnified. It's right in front of you in the stores you walk into and work that you go to, it's just everywhere.

Erin Nelson 3:43

And we're supposed to be so happy and joy, right? It's just like this, you know, joyful kind of holiday, and it's you know, just that projection of just the festivity of the season, and you may not really feel like that right now.

Brad Quillen 3:59

No, it's sorrow.

Erin Nelson 4:00

Exactly.

Brad Quillen 4:01

Or the total opposite.

Erin Nelson 4:02

And that feels like such a contrast whenever you know you see all of these um decorations and just feeling the energy of it all, and that doesn't match how you feel inside.

Brad Quillen 4:16

So we often think, what's wrong with me?

Erin Nelson 4:18

Mm-hmm. It can really lead to even more isolation and just feeling like you just don't have other people don't understand how you feel, and you also don't want to be that person that is in the room that is just feeling down. And when you're grieving, we're always talking about how just be where you are. Yeah. You know, whatever your emotion is, and it's really hard to be that person.

Brad Quillen 4:46

Colleen, you and I have been in adult groups for years and years and years. And I'm I'm gonna assume we've heard the stories of the first Christmas and the second Christmas and the third Christmas, how it seems to be so different. That first year you have so many thoughts of what it's gonna be, but then it wasn't, and then the next year maybe it's heavier or lighter, and all those play into Christmas as well, and the holidays and new year and all those things that are just in the midst of where we are today.

First Holidays And Traditions

Colleen Montague 5:14

Yes, you're right, Brad. And what I hear so often from those families that are facing their first set of holidays is just wondering what to do with it, you know, and just all the questions of do we really do it the way we used to? Do we really keep doing all those traditions? And I think a big struggle that parents have are just that they're not the only ones that have a say in the holidays and they may not be wanting to celebrate or do the normal traditions, but their kids might, you know, the kids might still be really excited for Christmas, and so you know, they're trying to balance that as well when they are having a hard time entering into that season with joy, understandably, but their kids are excited and do want a Christmas tree still and do want to decorate and but it's the furthest thing from my mind is to go get the tree or even go pick one up, you know, at the local tree place.

Brad Quillen 6:16

That's the last thing I want to do.

Erin Nelson 6:18

Yeah. Especially if it was more of a family tradition that you all did together, and maybe, you know, either a mom or a dad is missing from the family this year or a child and all that that brings. And I know here today we really want to talk about finding support during the season and what is it that we can do to kind of move into finding that little extra. Yeah. Because we know that we always need support, and then there's this season that even demands more support because it's really hard to get through this alone.

Colleen Montague 6:58

And we know that even at baseline, if you're not grieving, the holidays are exhausting. There's so much busyness and a lot of school activities and social obligations and um expectations that maybe we feel from others or we put on ourselves. And so then you add in grief and fresh grief at that, and you're already tired. You know, you're just trying your best to get through your day with that exhaustion you're already holding from grief. And so the idea of adding more to your plate, it's enough to just say, I nah, I just can't do it at all.

Rest As A Necessity

Erin Nelson 7:35

It really has to be broken down into little pieces in some ways. Because, you know, thinking about that stretch, you know, when we're thinking about kind of it really does start. We talk about kind of Halloween as being kind of that kickoff to where you may have had some family traditions during that time all the way through New Year through through the new year. And but you can't think of that, you know, when you're getting into October, you can't really take all of that in. Yeah. It's just being able to show up and do what you can do that day. And to do that, we need to build in kind of that extra whatever it is that we need.

Brad Quillen 8:16

So can I ask you this, Erin, from as you look back over your years and your story, what are some of those things that you look back and go, man, I wish the first to second, third year I would have, you know, known this as I was a grieving widow.

Erin Nelson 8:30

Yeah, as a grieving widow, when I think back, I think just my instinct was I knew I couldn't do it the way it was before. And it's kind of hard to decide without that partner how it looks for you this year. And I remember that first year just thinking just that we had to just simplify. And I know we've talked about this before, but we just got a small tree and made it super manageable, and I didn't hang all the ornaments, and I said no to a lot of things. And and so, but I still felt that pressure. And I remember actually, I have this memory of somebody that had invited me over to do cookie decorating. So they were making cookies, and I'll never forget that I thought, you know, it sounded pretty good. It was with all the little kids and the moms, and they really had been super thoughtful to bring me and include me in the tradition. And guess what? I never even remembered that it was going on. Right. I remembered like two days later that I had been invited to this cookie decorating. And I just was like, it wasn't even on my mind that, you know, it was just like I was barely like really surviving kind of the holidays. And then just to say, oh, I can't believe I forgot. And but I think what I would say to myself is of course you did.

Brad Quillen 9:55

Yeah.

Erin Nelson 9:55

You know, it's so understandable. And I felt so embarrassed and just like, how could I forget that big thing that they invited me to? And and but honestly, like, you know, when you're surviving and you've got children um who are so young depending on you, and you know there's a little part of you that wants to make the magic happen. Yeah. You know, and so it's just, you know, so I think really giving yourself just that understanding and every, you know, just really being kind to yourself and, you know, something I know this is um this is a funny thing, but sometimes when I'm just taking a walk by myself and I'm feeling a lot of pressure to do more and do like what other people want from me or whatever, I'll just take my hands and place it over my heart and I just say to tell myself like you're doing a good job right now. Like you are okay and you're doing everything you can do. And so just be gentle with yourself. And I think just for our parents that are listening today, just give yourself that, you know, just take your hands over your heart right now, and just give yourself that compassion that you need and to know that the holidays are really hard, and you will get through this and they will end. You are going to get to January 2nd, and you will, you're gonna get there, and the waves will come and they will go, and there will be moments, feel it all. This is also this opportunity to do the work, and it's a deeper work now, and so now you're being invited to go even deeper into your grief, and there's again no way around it, but you will get through it.

Brad Quillen 11:44

We often hear the idea of give yourself the grace that you would give someone else. Like if you heard their story, be like, Oh, well, you should, but we don't give ourselves that grace. And one of those areas is rest. You know, and I know Colin, you talk about this, and we've talked about it before, that it's a necessity, not a luxury, and so we need to give ourselves permission to feel that we're tired, but then actually take care of that need of tiredness.

Asking For And Organizing Help

Colleen Montague 12:08

Definitely, especially because grief can rob us of a good night's sleep. And so little moments if you're a napper, even just a five-minute power nap or just lying on the couch for a few minutes or taking a rest in your car during the day. And rest also looks like saying no to things, like Erin said, you know, and staying staying in on that Friday night because you know that it's been a long week. And sometimes you can, you know, look at your calendar and kind of gauge what kind of week it's going to be and kind of plan for how to take care of yourself in the future. You know, I may not have I may not make plans this Friday night because it's gonna be a big week and I think the family will need to stay home and and rest.

Erin Nelson 12:51

Yeah, Colleen, I like that. And, you know, when we're thinking about rest, we have to make choices, right? And that is really what we're talking about here is how can we choose right now in this season that we will give ourselves rest. And that means that we may have to hand some responsibilities over to someone else that we normally do. I'm just thinking about the little things like if your kids have some type of holiday event at school and you have to bring something. Could somebody help you with that? Or maybe it's that they need special clothes um for something like that. And you know, just the thought about going into a crowded store with all the decor and having to buy something for your kids, could somebody else take them for you? It's just the simplest things because there are so many demands on parents during this season. So being able to just ask yourselves now and maybe just reflect on who is it that can help me right now with all of the extra responsibilities of um that my kids might need.

Brad Quillen 14:05

Years ago, a grandma in group once said her story was that she had the grandkids now living with her, her son had passed. But during family dinners that would happen at their house, then the holidays that was kind of grand central. Everybody would end up at grandma and grandpa's. That the thing she taught me was she had told her kids and her husband, if I you don't see me, I'm most likely in my room because I just need to take 10 minutes because I miss my son. And normally he's here, so she would give herself, but she was uh she was making everybody else aware in the family. Grandma, mom might step away, but I just need some time.

Midroll: Jessica’s House Resources

Erin Nelson 14:40

It's that's so important, Brad. And I'm wondering even now, as you're saying that, you know, could we create a space in wherever that is? Maybe it's your home, it's somebody else's, but where you know you can go there and it will have little things that bring you comfort. Yeah. Do you need Kleenex or some tea or your favorite drink and a snack? You know, a blanket that you love that you can just lay down for a little while. What is it that you need in a space where you can just hang out there for a little while? And you know, you could be alone, or maybe you have somebody else that you're like, hey, yeah, if I'm really overwhelmed, would you just sit with me? Could we just flip on a, you know, a movie for a little while together? Or, you know, can we just hang out for a moment away from just a bigger crowd? And so kind of planning ahead on that.

Brad Quillen 15:33

Yeah, and I remember her talking about that she would just go to her room and she would just sit in there and just take a few minutes. Sometimes it was just overstimulating. Yeah. Just too many because the kids are around and grandkids, and she just said, I just needed a break, and it wasn't but 10 or 15 minutes. And she did say, you know, you can come check on me, but just know I'm okay. Yeah. But I just need to, I just need to take a few minutes for myself.

Preparing Kids For Holiday Emotions

Erin Nelson 15:53

And giving that permission to other people to say, like, yeah, that I'm okay, but I really need this time. You feel the absence of that person. You know, we see sometimes that, you know, their absence is the loudest voice in the room. And that we, you know, everybody is carrying that and you can almost feel it on people's shoulders. It's like they walk in and you can just see it. And everybody has this understanding that it'll never be the same. And there's just these seasons where this is where you are right now. It's it won't always be like this, but this is an important time to just sometimes you have to say it out loud, like, you know, the holidays aren't the same anymore. Just like, let's put that in the room. Like here we are, and we miss this person. And, you know, there are ways that you can remember them and all of that, but just stating the obvious sometimes can just take the kind of awkwardness out of it a little bit.

Brad Quillen 16:49

I'm so glad you said that because everybody knows.

Erin Nelson 16:53

Everybody knows.

Brad Quillen 16:55

And what you just said that they see it, like I think of it as being a pastor walking into rooms after there's been a death in a family excuse you in the first day or two, that that is just palpable. You know, that that that is that is so so true that we just have to acknowledge that and be honest.

Erin Nelson 17:10

And you know, people have said to us, like, hey, I just decided to, you know, fly to Hawaii and just get pizza and just, you know, do something totally different. And so sometimes it's like, okay, maybe we're not even gonna try to have our same traditions. Right. Like, what do we need to do to like change it up? Or what do we need to do just actually to survive the holidays? And sometimes it really is okay to say we're gonna survive this. Yeah. And it may not be pretty, and people might have really strong reactions and they're going to be, you know, it's not the s you're not the same. Nobody's the same. So that's another part of that.

Brad Quillen 17:48

Yeah, like you said, we we acknowledge that it won't be the same. Yeah, the flight of Hawaii is almost a uh, we're gonna take a break this year.

Erin Nelson 17:54

Exactly. Yeah, and maybe that looks like going to the park and just say it's very different. Yeah, I mean it doesn't have to be Hawaii, but it could be something super simple. Mm-hmm.

Brad Quillen 18:05

Colleen, I was gonna ask you, we've people feel the pressure to do the same thing like we were just talking about, but it's okay to make it look different every year as you kind of just get your feet under you in some ways, too.

Colleen Montague 18:16

Definitely. And just because you uh switch it up this year doesn't mean you can't go back to old traditions the following. And I think sometimes we have like a black or white, all or nothing train of thought, but you don't have to get rid of everything, you know, pick and choose what does seem more manageable and um put a pause on the others that feel too big.

Brad Quillen 18:37

As we're talking about support and giving ourselves support, there's a lot of times people will come and make offers or ask to do things, but that's it's not always easy to say yes to someone helping. It's kind of like we're letting someone in and you know, uh a sign of weakness sometimes. I think we we feel that. But how do we how do we let people come alongside us in the holidays? Because it's so private in some ways and and scary that uh it's hard to let people in.

“I Wonder What You’re Wondering”

Erin Nelson 19:04

You know, this is something that I think that I've heard people talk about is that they really were able to think about helping us connection. And so when we allow someone to help us, we're deepening our connection with them. And there's something really um just important about that because you know, we're all going to help in different seasons of life, and we're all going to need help in different seasons of life. We know that most people would say that they would much rather be the helper. Yeah. And it's so hard to be in that place of really needing help, but to know that that connection is deepening, you know, that friendship is deepening, that family relationship is deepening when you just say, I need help with this. And you're building a stronger bond together with that person when you allow them to help you. And then that also is kind of setting the stage for reciprocity because we're in relationships we give and take. And so then you are setting the stage for the next time you want to help someone, and then you know, you could say, Hey, remember the time when you and you know, it's just something about that connection and the bond. This is an opportunity right now to deepen your bond.

Colleen Montague 20:29

And think about who you do feel close with and safe with and you can trust, where you know, Brad, you mentioned it sometimes can feel like a sign of weakness, but rather than looking at it that way, choose to look at it as, you know, who do I have in my life who can get me, who can, you know, jump in in this area and just ask. And it doesn't have to be big grand asks, you know, just hey, would you like to come over and help us decorate the Christmas tree? The kids are really, they're really excited about it. Or like you said, Aaron, there's so many things that you have to pick up, you know, in errands to run during the holidays. Can they help with some of those?

Brad Quillen 21:08

Yeah, I'm glad you you brought up the idea of like there's so many things because Erin, years ago when we would help folks with funeral stuff back in the day, we used to talk about the for the person to make a list of some of those things that you need to get done and then start letting people do some of those things on the list because we forget all the things we think, oh, I'll remember that or I'll remember that. And then we don't.

Erin Nelson 21:28

Yeah, writing it down because everybody has different kinds of ways they like to help. And so you could write down things from food to running an errand to yard work to cleaning out the garage to getting the Christmas decorations out of the attic. And there are so many ways that people might want to help, and you get to let them choose. Like, here's my list, it's on the refrigerator, yeah, or wherever you want to put it on your notes that you can share from your phone that are editable. And so it's like put it out there to, I mean, you know, hey, a lot of you guys have asked me what I need, and I'm I put a list together and you know, take it or leave it. But if you want to jump in with anything, these are the kind of spaces that I could use some help this year.

Coping Tools And Movement Games

Brad Quillen 22:11

And sometimes you might have someone that's close to you, Colleen, that you're talking about, some of those people you trust that can take that list and divvy it up for you.

Colleen Montague 22:18

That's such a good point. Yes, having kind of your little point person that can help communicate your needs during this time. Yeah, that's a really good idea.

Brad Quillen 22:27

Erna Colleen, this is so helpful, and we're gonna take a break, but as we come back, we want to keep talking about how do we walk with our kids through this holiday season and some of the very things we just talked about to take care of ourselves, but also accepting help with our kiddos.

Gary Shriver 22:41

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessica'shouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org.

Brad Quillen 23:33

Well, as we come back from the break, we wanted to keep talking about this idea of the holidays, but the reality is our kiddos are feeling a lot of the same feelings we are as adults with the holidays and grief. And they're thinking they're the only ones, or they we see it in them that they're super tired because of all the extra things that are going on. But then there's grief, as we said in the first segment, grief's around every corner and the holidays around every corner. So how do we help our kiddos and in the holidays?

Colleen Montague 24:02

Well, as we've talked before, just starting it with a conversation together as a family, you know, having that communication about just putting it into the room that the holidays are different this year. You know, there's a huge absence in the family and it's going to make it look different and feel different. And so you as the parent are wondering, you know, what are their thoughts right now? What are their feelings about it? And there's a lot to cover. You don't have to do it all in one conversation. This is something, a conversation that can keep happening over the course of the holidays and after. And I think also just validating that the holidays will be a lot of mixed emotions. There's sadness about missing their person, but then it's okay if they feel excited too, you know, about the things they've always looked forward to.

Brad Quillen 24:49

Colleen, can I ask you this? As parents, do we wait till we see the emotion or the exhaustion, or do we start preloading the questions and the conversations prior to even haul Halloween or Thanksgiving the next year? That, hey, we're coming back into the cycle of the holidays. Do we do we front load it? I guess is my question.

Balancing Kids’ Excitement With Limits

Colleen Montague 25:09

I love that idea, Brad. That's such a good, good thought if that front load, you know, kind of headed off at the pass and just put it out there, you know. Erin's has taught me, I wonder what you're wondering, you know, just to say that to your child about the upcoming holidays. And I like that, just to be proactive about the conversations. And even your kids may not know at that moment because they haven't thought about it, but you are opening the door to it. And now they know they can think about it and they can come to you with their thoughts about it. And so really kind of priming that for them.

Brad Quillen 25:45

So it opens the door for them to even bring it up when it's on their mind, but maybe we don't ask the questions about it.

Colleen Montague 25:50

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Brad Quillen 25:52

I'm curious, Erin. Colleen put you on the spot there for a second about I wonder what you're wondering. And I would echo with Colleen, there's a lot of things you've taught both of us over the years. But what do you mean when you ask that question? And what what are you trying to do as a parent, but also as a uh grief facilitator here at Jessica's House? And kind of just give us some background to that question.

Erin Nelson 26:13

Yeah, I think what we've learned from children and teens that are grieving over the years is that they have a lot of questions that maybe we're not really asking them. And they have unanswered questions. Sometimes it's a lot bigger because they have questions about the death that they want to know, or maybe even questions about the person, questions um that they have that they've just never been able to express. And sometimes it takes questions on our part as parents to ask those questions, and maybe we just don't even know that they're wondering about something. So that's just a question to open up dialogue. Like I'm just wondering what you're wondering. And so we ask that question in group, and it really is just kind of an open-ended question. And sometimes, you know, we might do that when we're in the sand tray and we have a child that is creating a scene, and maybe it's a scene about their family, and we could say something like, I'm wondering what you're wondering about what happened to your dad, or you know, whatever it might be, but we can just ask those kind of questions. And we found that kids really like to ask those questions that they haven't maybe felt an opportunity to ask.

Brad Quillen 27:34

Two things. One, make sure you have the space to have a long conversation because there might be a lot that they want to unpack, but also know that it's okay not to have all the answers.

Flexible Plans And Exit Strategies

Erin Nelson 27:44

Oh yeah, yes. And you can even say for those unanswered, you know, maybe you just don't know, to say, I'm wondering about that too. Sometimes you may not know it, and it's something you can try to find out. So you can say, I don't know, but I'd like to find out. Let me do my best to fight try to find out. And sometimes you can just sit in the mystery. And I think there is so much mystery surrounding why did someone get sick, and you know, why what was that person doing? They should have been paying attention when they were driving and it caused this crash or whatever it might be that they're wondering about. And so they have a lot of questions. Kids really have the best questions, and as adults, it it's nice to sit with them in that.

Brad Quillen 28:33

And if we take that a step further in trying to help kiddos identify some of those things that help, you know, those emotions and kind of have helped in the the the season and the Christmas and Thanksgiving and New Year and all that, how do we help guide kids to finding those things that become helps for them or things that are helping take care of some of their emotions?

Colleen Montague 28:54

I think that asking what's helped before is a nice place to start. You know, when you've what other times have you felt this way? What what helped then or what didn't help? Yeah. And so you by asking those questions, that helps your child to reflect and find their strengths in that. And then that also teaches you too about your child. And so when they're in, you know, that thick emotion later, they may not always be able to process back to what's helped me before, but now you've known because you've learned from them. And so you can help remind them, hey, remember, uh, let's do that, let's do that thing that you said was helpful last time, whether maybe that was getting some big energy out, jumping up and down, wiggling their body, screaming, you know, hey, let's do that, and and just giving that permission.

Erin Nelson 29:43

There's so much frenetic energy around the holidays. And so kids really absorb that too. And so just noticing that kids might have, you know, of course, when they're grieving, the emotions that that are there, but also this other energy. that really needs to be expressed somehow. So finding out like how can you express that and could be like you, I like the jumping up and down and you know, running outside and just whatever it could be. And we one of our favorite kind of go-tos here at Jessica's house is like a balloon that you can just toss, you know, back and forth. Anything that you can do to just kind of bring some movement and also concentration to help you really stay in that moment when your thoughts are swirling and it's just hard to absorb all that goes on during the holidays.

Colleen Montague 30:36

And even if you just have like a balloon or a softball and you can be tossing it back and forth to each other while you're talking and having this conversation, that can kind of just make it a little bit more friendly to the kids and not so focused on tell me how you're feeling. But it just makes it more conversational and casual in a way.

Teaching Others How To Support You

Erin Nelson 30:54

You can even list you know we do little lists here at Jessica's house when we play basketball where it's like every time you make it you share a memory about the person and it could be a holiday memory and you could even bring them into that moment and just little ways that you'll never forget. And sometimes once you're in that space you get to like think of new things maybe you haven't thought about in a while because it really deepens that thought process of saying, oh, and remember when they did this and I'll never forget how much they liked this dessert during the holidays. And so just sometimes those movement activities you can create a little game out of it and deepen just that memorialization that can really help you process your grief.

Brad Quillen 31:39

Aaron, you mentioned the word energy a few minutes ago in the holidays and in some of these pieces and there's a there's energy and excitement around some of the things that we expect the holidays to be and how do we help engage our kiddos and understand what their expectations are going into the holidays with what we've maybe done in the past. But then there's the reality of what I know I'm able to give this holiday because of what's happened. And so how do we engage those those excitements because kids' eyes do light up when Christmas is coming and all those things but we're still kind of dragging.

Erin Nelson 32:14

Yeah and it's where you are right now. And you know I think on I can I have a memory after Carter died of sitting on my couch and watching um a holiday movie with my daughter who was a teenager at the time and I remember um just feeling so heavy and like it was just I it was just a heavy heavy moment. And I remember her kind of falling asleep for a minute and I got to like it just I really needed to just have a good cry. So I went into the other room and you know it's it really is feeling that energy in the moment whatever it is that you need to do and being present to that and yeah sometimes it's you know you can cry together and you're crying in front of your kids and other times you're like I need to like this is a big cry and I need to really be in a space by myself for a minute. And so um yeah what is it that we need and and just that energy and being honest about it and all of those conversations to state kind of the obvious that you're talking about Brad which is this is this is a really different year. And we've never been here before and we don't I don't even know what to do right now. I'm just we're gonna just do our best and just trust that the next best thing will happen and we can make some plans about what we know we're not up for and what we're gonna try. But it may change and if that happens for anybody in the family we're just gonna come back together and talk about it and figure out the next best step. And so sometimes all we can do is our best and like I said before we're surviving and we're gonna get through it.

Colleen Montague 34:02

You know, thinking practically too there's you know a lot of tasks to happen and a lot of you know fun opportunities. We talked earlier in the episode about having a person or persons that you can count on to kind of to help you out with some things sharing that with your kid you know hey Aunt Megan said that you know she'd love to help us you know during the holidays with anything and so just if anything comes to mind that you would like me to ask her to help us with happy to do so. You know, I think specifically right now about teacher gifts you know that is probably the furthest thing from your mind understandably so but it might be important for your child they may want to bring your their teacher a gift just like all the other kids might be doing and so is that something that you can outsource that's an idea you can even share with your child would you like Aunt Megan to help take care of getting your teacher a gift? What would you like to get them and for them to know that there's a person that can help so it's not taxing on you because you know as we've said children are trying to protect you too that's a good thing for them to know and also for them to start seeing that you're asking for help. You are reaching out to others and that is helping them to know they could do the same you know that they're not in this alone.

Brad Quillen 35:18

As we think of some of these plans and putting things together I just I just want people to realize write your your plans for the you know the next days or weeks or your expectations for for the holiday in very light pencil. Mm-hmm because it's gonna change. Don't put it in Sharpie but it's it's okay that it changes too. And it might change the next day because we wake up and we feel different or there's a different expectation or it didn't go last night didn't go as well as we hoped or today I just don't feel like going to what I was invited to. And I know you alluded to the cookie decorating but it just was didn't even cross your mind that day.

Colleen Montague 35:54

And I think that's a great conversation to have with your child depending on their age and you know maturity level but just to say that like hey this is super fluid too. You know I I I don't know how I'm gonna be feeling tomorrow and I know you don't either so just know we're gonna have a lot of flexibility this season for ourselves and our family.

Brad Quillen 36:12

And we always want families to to know that there's there's a time that you might need to leave somewhere where you're at and you're just not feeling it and that's okay too. You might be in the middle of going over to somebody's event or something downtown or another party or and you just got there and it's just not where you're supposed to be.

Erin Nelson 36:30

Yeah Brad I think that's really valid and begin a plan for that and you know and there's always that plan to you know gather the kids up and then if you have an older child and they're you know close to their cousins or somebody else that might be there, maybe they really do want to stay and maybe you want to go home. So even trying to talk ahead of time about you know who is it that they could drive home with could an uncle or aunt bring them home a little bit later because you really just need to go home and you know take a shower and just you know get in comfortable clothes and you know just be and so a lot of those pieces and it they're just all planned ahead of time, right? To say hey we may not be able to stay the whole time let's just try it. You're just dipping your toe in it's like let's just try it. It may not work you may not be feeling it maybe way too much and um and then you can let your host know too like we're just we're going to do what we feel able to do this year. And if we have to leave early please don't you know be offended where we're gonna just and this is kind of our plan and I think what we've learned over the years is so much of the time grievers try to just do the same things and we're such a big proponent of keeping routines and everything. But this is your chance where everybody will understand. And so this is the time that you can be honest and say this is all I can do this year. And if you can set that precedent and put that you're teaching other people how to support you. And that's really important.

Brad Quillen 38:15

You need to be okay with this is what I need to do or my family needs to do and forget what they expect of me.

Erin Nelson 38:21

Yeah.

Brad Quillen 38:21

And I mean they the other folks not your family or yourself.

Closing Resources And Review Request

Erin Nelson 38:25

When you're directly affected by a loss like we're talking about yeah you can't do it the way you used to be able to yeah Aaron I know there's something you wanted to share with our listeners today as we wrap up this podcast.

Brad Quillen 38:36

Why don't you go ahead and take a moment?

Erin Nelson 38:38

Just as our listeners have given us really great feedback I just want to say if you could just take a moment to rate our podcast and also write a review it helps get it into the hands of those who need it most. And so every time you review a podcast it goes up a little bit into ratings. And so if somebody just types in grief in a podcast search they can find this podcast and as we know that it's been so helpful for parents who are grieving we want to get it into more hands so please rate and review.

Brad Quillen 39:16

Thanks Erin and let me remind you be sure to visit jessicashouse.org for more grief resources and if you have any other topics or questions you'd like us to cover on this podcast we welcome your email at info at jessica'shouse.org. Be sure to join us for the next episode of When Grief Comes Home.

Gary Shriver 39:35

Until then we wish you well Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support please visit jessica'shouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's house on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org. Thank you for joining us and we'll see you next time for when grief comes home