How to Support a Griever During the Holidays

Joyful traditions can feel unbearably loud when grief settles in a home. We sat down to map out a kinder way to show up for grieving parents during the holidays—one rooted in companioning, where presence matters more than pep talks and fixing gives way to listening. The goal isn’t to lift someone out of grief; it’s to walk alongside them with steadiness, humility, and care.

We unpack how the season’s bright energy often clashes with the body-heavy weight of loss, and why “Don’t cheer them up” can be the most loving rule of thumb. You’ll hear simple, human ways to help: say their person’s name without hesitation, send the photo or memory even if tears come, and use small rituals like lighting a candle and texting a picture to signal “I’m with you.” We share scripts you can borrow, from writing holiday cards that acknowledge the pain to invitations that include permission to leave early and a quiet room to decompress. We also talk consent before tributes—asking if a toast, a photo on the mantle, or a candle feels supportive—and letting the griever lead.

For those who want to move from vague offers to real relief, we lay out concrete ideas: handle teacher gifts, assemble toys, wrap presents, run errands, drop off freezer meals, or organize yard work. If you’re close, help build a shared note of needs so friends can plug in without creating more decisions. And through it all, lean into your strengths—whether you’re a doer, a writer, a steady texter, or a calm presence in silence. These small acts help parents conserve energy for what matters most: caring for their children in a season that magnifies absence.

If this conversation helped, share it with someone who wants to show up better. Subscribe for more grounded guidance, and leave a rating and review so other families searching for grief support can find us.

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Welcome And Team Introductions

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello, and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:10

I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:14

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program Director for Jessica's House and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Gary Shriver 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen, and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home. This podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Framing The Holiday Support Focus

Companioning Explained: Presence Over Fixing

Brad Quillen 1:00

Hello, hello. It's Brad from Jessica's House. On today's episode, we're going to take some time to talk about how might we support those that are in grief during this holiday season. Erin Colleen, it's good to see you guys again today as we get started on this idea of how do we support a griever during the holidays. Now, this is kind of a change for us because most of our podcasts are to the griever, but this is how do we help a griever? And so we know this is focused on the holidays and we're in the middle of that right now, but that is probably one of the things that's hardest is to receive some of that support. And so we've talked about that before on different podcasts, but we also just want to give people some ideas on how do you walk beside a friend that's going through that or a family member and just companion. And I thought we might just start with that word of companion. We talk about that a lot here at Jessica's House. And Erin, would you mind just sharing a little bit about that idea from Dr. Wolfelt, who's a good friend of the old Jessica's house?

Erin Nelson 1:56

Yes. And yeah, he coined these tenets of companioning, which we really do incorporate at Jessica's house. And kind of the idea is that we don't have to figure out a way for them to get out of grief. It really is that we're just gonna be committed to being alongside them. And when you think about the word companion, it really has these parts in it that you know, calm, which means with, and then pan, which means bread. And so it really is this idea bringing hospitality to their pain. We're not trying to fix anything, it's unfixable, but we want to be with them. And it's just really that idea of being with. And so as we are a neighbor, a friend, a family member to someone who is grieving, especially during the holiday season, we just want to give some practical tips today about how to companion them. And um just some just go to ideas that can help.

Brad Quillen 2:58

Can I stop you before we get into ideas and calling? I know this is often mentioned around the house when we're training new volunteers, but I'm gonna put the word presence out there. And just the presence is all that needs to be there because I think we feel like we've had to say something, but we just would say be with them and just with your presence.

Why Holidays Are Especially Hard

Erin Nelson 3:18

Yeah, just be with. And sometimes it really is just sitting next to them, sending the text, remembering little things. I just got a text this morning from someone that saw the name Carter on something and just sent me a picture. Yeah, you know, and it just I know they're with me. And there's a way to companion someone, even if you can't physically w be with them all the time. There's just a way of being with that you can just continually touch in and let them know that you're there and there's no expectation for them to get back to you. It's just about just like you said, presence.

Colleen Montague 3:59

It's important that we probably start this episode with just talking about how hard the holidays are for somebody who's going through grief. And you as the listener, maybe you have gone through grief yourself, and so you remember what that's like to face the first holiday season without your person, or maybe you haven't held that same same type of loss, but just grief is a whole body experience, and it's exhausting. It's just so emotionally heavy, and so it's very different. It's a stark contrast to the joy and the the brightness of the holidays.

Erin Nelson 4:40

Yeah, there's such an expectation to have that buoyancy um in the holidays, and you know, grief naturally just takes us onto a downward movement. And so when we are grieving, it's like that's the energy that we have is downward. Yeah. And the energy of the holidays is kind of upward, right? And so being just being in grief is such a stark contrast to what's all around, the energy all around us with the lights and the music and all of the, you know, the decor that is so, you know, colored and all the things. And so that energy is so much bigger. Um, and grief is can be just really just taking us down. And it's just even we can feel as a griever in our muscles and in our body that we're just feeling weighed down. And so it really is, I think, when we think about being present, we almost need to remember what it feels like in a griever's body as we enter a space, because it's even we can bring energy into a space. We don't even realize that we're bringing, and so even just finding our own kind of balance in ourselves before we enter in and um to be present.

Brad Quillen 6:07

You were talking about the holidays and and Colleen with the festivities and the lights and all the things, and the word that kept coming back into my mind was cheer.

Erin Nelson 6:15

Yep, holiday cheer.

Brad Quillen 6:17

But we would also say one of the worst things we can do, and I'm just gonna put it that way as we're talking to people that want to come alongside, is to try and cheer someone up.

Erin Nelson 6:27

Exactly. And we talk about that so much, and you know, it's not easy to be with somebody in grief and in the gravity of their loss and how everything has changed, and it's just a natural part of life to want things to be back to where they were. You um, as they've lost someone, you've also lost someone, right? If you have a friend who was a natural supporter in your life who's now grieving, you've lost part of them. Yeah. Right. And so you're also grieving kind of the person they once were. And so just acknowledging that kind of everybody's changed in this, and it's kind of throwing off kind of just that natural like ecosystem of like kind of where you were living. And so, you know, it's just everything's changed. And you know, during the holidays, you know, we think about the traditions, right? That means that we're doing something the same way every year, and um, it's a different year to this year.

Brad Quillen 7:33

Yeah, and I I don't want someone to hear what I just said and be like, oh, I'm you know, bad person because I'm trying to bring cheer, but I would just I would reframe it in asking yourself what do they need? Absolutely. Not what do I think or I just need to get them, you know, uh to be happy again because of all that's gone on.

Erin Nelson 7:48

Exactly. And really, you know, when we're at Jusca's House, our approach is really just to being a companion, reflecting their energy, their words, and also mirroring them. And so when we talk about how to come alongside a griever, we're just saying come alongside and mirror whatever they're doing, right? Because there may be some times even during the holidays that they are more buoyant and they are experiencing a moment, especially as we talk about grief kind of coming in waves. Sometimes after really feeling that downward movement, you express it and you really get through a really tough moment and then you're feeling better for a second. And it may be that you as a friend are entering into a more buoyant moment, and so that is something that you can also reflect if they're in a better kind of like space, then you can mirror that as well and just enter into whatever that is, because there will be moments they're laughing and remembering, and just you know, so we don't want to say that it's always sad, but whatever it is in that moment, you can just be with them in that and reflect that.

Say Their Name And Share Memories

Brad Quillen 9:11

Erin, I'm gonna ask you a personal question, and this is something between you and I, because this this has happened to me with our friendship with uh my wife and your husband. The four of us have been close for years and years, and our our lives have overlapped in Jessica's House, but also uh we I had your son in youth group Carter, and like I'll come across pictures every so often, or my wife might see something because my wife was your son's tutor for a season. And so we'll see pictures, and sometimes it's like, oh, I should send that to the Nelsons to Brian and Erin. But then there's a little thing in the back of my head that goes, but I don't want to make them sad today, right? And so, but your husband's always told me, send them. Oh, yeah. Because it's just those little sparks through the day, and you might get sad from it, but it's always that send it, is what Brian has told me over the years.

Erin Nelson 9:56

Please send it. I love it all, and you know, it's it's so good. I just always love the pictures and love the memory. I love to hear his voice. I love when people bring him into the present moment to share a memory. I never get tired of that because you know, he we're going from a relationship to presence when he was in our home and just his personality and all that he did to fill our home with his who he was, we really miss that. And so anytime we can just have somebody else that shares that with us, it really means so much. So, as you, as our listeners are listening, to know that this is you know, never be afraid to just say their name because they are thinking about them, it's just on their mind.

Brad Quillen 10:45

So keep bringing it up, and it's in your everyday, it's in our everyday. Yeah, my wife and I might come across something, we're like, Oh, we should send that over. And it's but you're living it every day.

Erin Nelson 10:55

Yeah.

Brad Quillen 10:55

I just want people to know, have that permission to, even when you're like, uh, send it.

Erin Nelson 11:00

Send it, and even if it's the same picture over and over, it's just like whatever it could be, it's like we want to see it again. We want to hear their name again. And so that's just a really good way to be with someone who's grieving, especially during the holidays, is to just send the photo and share the memories.

Practical Help: Tasks, Texts, And Candles

Brad Quillen 11:21

And I know we were talking before we started recording of just some of those other ways that the listeners can help friends or family members that are going through grief. And maybe we just start kind of round-robbing some of those as we kind of work our way through the rest of this podcast and talking about that calling. Do you have a few that would kind of give some people some insight and ways they can come alongside someone that's that's in grief?

Colleen Montague 11:41

Yeah, one thing that comes to mind are all the little tasks that happen around the holidays. There's so many things that are very extra. And so just reaching out and asking, hey, is there anything I can help you with this season? Do you want to decorate? Do you want me to come over and help? Uh, do you need any help with any Christmas shopping? You know, you can give me a budget and I can take care of it. Even just, you know, the teacher gifts that pop up. I'm I'm sure that's the last thing on your your friend's mind right now. Maybe just offering, hey, can I take care of that for you this year? Because their child may still want to bring a teacher gift to to do what all the other kids in the class might be doing to feel that's like a little sense of normalcy. Um, or it's just important to the child. And so there's some things that you could take off of your friend's plate like that. Yeah.

Erin Nelson 12:34

And as we're kind of talking about some of those holiday activities, uh, you know, something that can be really simple is you could even have a season where you light a candle every night in memory of them and you just send a picture of that. You know, it could be that you're lighting it during your dinner time, and maybe you don't get to see your friend all that much, but you can light a candle in that person's memory, and um and just to know that you're thinking about them can really just go so far. And so it could just be just a nightly check-in of just like you're on my mind and I'm with you. And so just being able to do that and again not expecting any kind of response.

Brad Quillen 13:24

I think there's a there's a way to help people think a little differently too. Um we often will say, if you need anything, let me know. And that's such an open question because I think it's safe to say after all these years, grievers don't necessarily know what they need. Right, they're just trying to survive.

Invitations With Permission And Exit Plans

Erin Nelson 13:41

Exactly. And you know, sometimes, Brad, you could maybe help your um your friend, you know, kind of depending on how close you are to them. Maybe you can help them make a list of what they might need. And so that when people say that, which that is such a common question for that people get when they're grieving, is to say, hey, I do have like a shared notes in my phone and can I share it with you? There are a few things that I might need. And so that's you know, that is one thing that you can do. You know, something that, you know, that is on my mind that uh you might want to ask them if you have a tradition for sending a Christmas card. You might just want to be a little bit aware of like maybe a message um on that card. It might be something that you're just acknowledging their grief in some way, that it's something that um you can just just mention the person's name. I know how much you're missing, you know, whoever it might be this season, and our whole family is thinking about you. And instead of just sending it with nothing, because you know, it's hard, especially, you know, this podcast is particularly for parents that have lost a spouse or partner or child and they're raising children who are grieving. And so when we think about that, you know, when a parent is facing just receiving these holiday cards in the mail, and it's an intact family, all of these intact families that are, you know, in their hands and they see this photo, that's really hard. You know, that can be really difficult when you don't have that anymore. And so I have shared this story before, but I had a friend, and one way that she supported me was when I got her Christmas card. We had had this conversation about like burning Christmas cards, which was just really a really silly conversation. And so she wrote burn mine first, really big across her envelope. And um, and so and of course I didn't burn her Christmas card, but just that permission that she says to me, you know what, I know you're jealous. I know that you wish you had your family again, and you know, and so just an acknowledgement that this is really hard, you know, and it's just something like a little message.

Colleen Montague 16:17

I like what you're saying there, Erin, about just to put it out there. Hey, I know this is a hard time for you. And even I think it might even hopefully offer a little permission, like, hey, I I get it, like if this must be a hard season, and and I'm here. Exactly.

Honoring The Person: Check First, Then Toast

Erin Nelson 16:36

And it goes really the same way for invitations, and what grieving families have taught us is that they still want to be invited, yeah. But also, again, an acknowledgement that hey, we're having the same neighborhood cookie exchange that we've always had, but we know this year is different for you. And please come, you're welcome. Come even if you can come for five minutes. We'll just love you and we would love to see you. But it's also understandable if you're not filling up to it. So you can say yes right now and say no just right before. So give um in if you are having them over, give them all that they may need to have permission to either not show up or leave early. And something that you might even try to do is could there be a place in your home if you are having them this year that they can go to if it just gets really overwhelming and that you say to them, give me a list of your favorite snacks and what you want to drink, and this is gonna be your place. And I have a blanket and there's you know a chair or a bed, whatever it is. And if you ever get overwhelmed, that is your place and no one will bother you.

Brad Quillen 17:52

Yeah, it's just that place to take a break.

Erin Nelson 17:54

Just a break. Yeah. Just a place to take a break. And if you do that and you have young kids, we've got them. Like we've got you, and you don't need to worry about it.

Brad Quillen 18:03

And I I'm gonna guess that when grievers walk into spaces, things sometimes seem so much louder and so much over more overwhelming than what they pictured, maybe. And so, yeah, that stimulation sometimes too much.

Erin Nelson 18:16

It's too much. I've shared the story of just New Year's Eve when I didn't even think about kind of the ball dropping and everyone giving the New Year's kiss, you know, and it's like I didn't even think about that. But then I was like, wow, you know, after my husband Tyler died, it's like I mean, that is just weird and so right. And I was like, this moment right now, I want to get away from. And so just like I just had to go in the crotch for a little bit and kind of sit on the step. And some of that, like what you're saying, Brad, just like just the energy or whatever it is, these traditions, you don't think about that as a griever until you get there.

Brad Quillen 18:56

Well, that's my follow-up to you is when did you realize that? Like when the ball was dropping. Yeah, it's not like you thought about it the weeks before. I'm just trying to help her help those that are listening, yeah, just into that space of until you're confronted with it. The ball's counting down, it's 28, 29, or 27.

Action Over “Let Me Know”

Erin Nelson 19:11

Yeah. And then you realize, oh, that's right. And so you're not thinking about that when they invite you to the to the New Year's Eve party, right? And so it's really just those moments. And, you know, as a host, you can think ahead about what will that feel like. And, you know, and you can there are all kinds of ways that you can alter your plans or the evening, even just doing a toast if the person wants to to them, and or thinking about some kind of memory you want to share, having their picture up, lighting a candle for them, just in some ways bringing them into the space.

Colleen Montague 19:54

And Erin, that's such a great point that you said, you know, to check in with them too and see if that's okay. To say, hey, I'd love to honor, you know, your husband tonight when you guys are here. Would it be okay if I put his photo up or light a candle for him? Or would it be okay if we did a toast to him and and let them decide, you know, what they're comfortable with. And then you honor that, you know, and it might be too hard and they may decline your offer, but the fact that you're thinking of it will matter to them.

Erin Nelson 20:24

Yeah, it's so true. I mean, in our family, almost every toast is to Carter, and it's just something that we do randomly. And, you know, but it's so good to have permission and let that griever lead that and decide what they need. And and yeah, it really is about listening and it's about just being curious about what will be healing for them and what they need during the season.

Colleen Montague 20:50

I think another good thing to remember is go into your companioning with zero expectations and for starters, like don't expect a think-you know. You don't, you know, if you do get a little gift for their child, for example, even you could just lead with that, hey, no think-you know required.

Lean Into Your Strengths To Support

Brad Quillen 21:11

It's interesting you say that, Colleen, because there's those things that we feel are tasky, like that we have to do in those things. And one of the things I I learned early on when Aaron and I were doing grief work at the church was what are some of those things we can just go do for families? And I'll tell you one that was like on the top of the list all the time was yard work. Like we would just go do yard work at people's homes and round up some some guys and gals from church and say, Hey, we're gonna go moam so-and-so lawn, or we're gonna go do the leaves, or we're gonna trim trees, or all these things. Like, what are some of those tasky things you can do? Because again, folks are first Christmas, second Christmas are just trying to get through it and not worry about all the other things that are going on with with the holiday and some of those things. So, what are some of those errands you can run and just say, Hey, I'm gonna go do, can I go do instead of what if you need anything, because that's so, so, so out there. But hey, can I take care of this for you or can I run this errand for you?

Colleen Montague 22:04

I think we've touched on so many little particular ideas, but to kind of zoom out a little bit, reflect on what your strengths already are as somebody who can support somebody. You know, are you naturally good at those, you know, service type tasks? Like you're happy to go and run those errands or do those little tasks around the house, or are you naturally good at just buying a little gift for them, let them know you're thinking of them and dropping it off on their porch? Are you good at checking in through text message, just hey, thinking about you, sending little um kind of positive notes here and there? If you lean into what you're naturally already strong in, it takes a lot of the pressure off because you're just gonna be you and just try to companion them well based on their needs, but within your own strengths too.

Meals, Gifts, Wrapping, And Kid Support

Erin Nelson 22:58

And I'm thinking about just some of just the demands we've talked about that get so much bigger during the holidays, especially for parents and who have children in school and all of those activities. But, you know, even just like, are you good at gift wrapping? Could you just wrap all the presents for them and so that they don't have to think about that? Are you good at putting a toy together? Like, you know, that's always a big one, right? It's you know, could you just say, drop the box off at my house or I'll come pick it up and we'll put all these toys together for your kids and we'll put them, we'll bring them over Christmas Eve or whatever it might be. And so um, you know, those are just little things that might help with that. And also, you know, meal times are really hard. And so anything that you can do to put some freezer meals in and just finding out what are the kids' favorites and just drop that off or drop off a little something, but just even during the holidays, so many times in um people rally around after the death, but you know, and maybe do like some meals. But the holidays are a really good time to just bring that back.

Colleen Montague 24:16

When you were talking, Erin, I thought about those kind of toy catalogs that come out around Christmas time and how our kids just go through and circle a bunch of things they'd love. You know, can you just offer to your person, hey, text me some photos of what your kids would love for Christmas so I can do the Christmas shopping for you. Absolutely. I'll get it, wrap it, and drop it off for you, and just to take the burden off of that. Yeah.

Brad Quillen 24:41

Yeah, I think the the action versus that open-ended question of yeah, give me more directive of this is what I could do or hear so I can help. That that's so so true. And Colleen, you just kind of were saying that the idea of just be you, you know, just be you, your authentic self, because I think we get nervous to go over and we try and you know, not be ourselves, but just walk into the space and read the room. And we talk about that and the reflection idea and mirroring, but just see kind of what's going on. And Erin, you and I have known people that have just gone and sat with people in silence. Yeah. Just to be with them.

Erin Nelson 25:15

Just be with that, really makes a difference.

Brad Quillen 25:18

Erin or Colleen, I know in towards the end of the book there's a chapter about companioning and being with folks that are in grief. And so we've covered some of that here today, but we definitely would love for people to check that out in the book as well.

Erin Nelson 25:31

Absolutely. And you can find the book When Grief Comes Home, wherever books are sold. And our very last chapter is just for those who are wanting to support a friend or family member who is grieving. And there's also a chapter on holiday grief.

Brad Quillen 25:48

Erin, I know there's something you wanted to share with our listeners today as we wrap up this podcast. Why don't you go ahead and take a moment?

Be Yourself, Read The Room, Sit In Silence

Erin Nelson 25:55

Just as our listeners have given us really great feedback, I just want to say if you could just take a moment to rate our podcast and also write a review. It helps get it into the hands of those who need it most. And so every time you review a podcast, it goes up a little bit into ratings. And so if somebody just types in grief in a podcast search, they can find this podcast. And as we know that it's been so helpful for parents who are grieving, we want to get it into more hands. So please rate and review.

Brad Quillen 26:32

Thanks, Erin. And let me remind you: be sure to visit jessicashouse.org for more grief resources. And if you have any other topics or questions you'd like us to cover on this podcast, we welcome your email at info at jessicashouse.org. Be sure to join us for the next episode of When Grief Comes Home.

Book Resources And Holiday Chapters

Gary Shriver 26:52

Until then, we wish you well. Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessica'shouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org. Thank you for joining us, and we'll see you next time for When Grief Comes Home.