Going Back to Work After Loss

The hardest calendar invite is the one that pulls you back to work after a death. Your world has changed, yet the inbox still fills, the meetings still stack, and people don’t know whether to talk about it—or avoid it. In this conversation with Erin Nelson and Colleen Montague from Jessica’s House, we sit with the truth that you’re not the same person, and work needs to meet you where you are.

Erin shares her story of stepping away after her son Carter died and returning in phases, naming the clunky handoffs, the new workplace dynamics, and how grief reshapes leadership and teamwork. We unpack what many grieving parents experience: cognitive fog, surges of emotion during routine tasks, and the quiet relief of colleagues who check in without prying. Together we map practical steps to make re-entry kinder—looping in HR early, exploring family leave, proposing flexible schedules, and setting simple agreements with supervisors and peers so you don’t have to carry unspoken expectations.

You’ll hear grounded tools you can use the moment you’re back at your desk or on the floor: sensory grounding to find the present in a hard meeting, short “reset” lists you can keep nearby, and how a designated private space—a car, a quiet room, a “cry closet”—can help you release pressure without shame. We talk about distinguishing intrusive thoughts from the steady ache of grief and why brief logic tasks, like a quick game of Tetris, can interrupt re-traumatization. We also lean into body-based care: hydration, crunchy or cold snacks that wake you up, warmth and weight to calm your system, peer proofreading for foggy days, and micro-rest that supports sleep when nights are broken.

Whether you’re a nurse with no spare minute, a teacher without a private office, or a manager navigating your team’s uncertainty, this episode offers adaptable ideas and language to ask for what you need. If your workplace isn’t sure how to help, bring them this playbook. Subscribe for more compassionate conversations on parenting through loss, share this with someone returning to work after bereavement, and leave a review to tell us what practices steadied you.

Order the book When Grief Comes Home https://a.co/d/ijaiP5L

For more information on Jessica’s House or for additional resources, please go to jessicashouse.org 

Transcript

Welcome And Episode Focus

Gary Shriver 0:00

Hello, and welcome to When Grief Comes Home, a podcast dedicated to parents living through loss while supporting their child. Let's meet the team.

Erin Nelson 0:10

I'm Erin Nelson, founding executive director at Jessica's House.

Colleen Montague 0:14

Hi, I'm Colleen Montague, Program Director for Jessica's House and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Gary Shriver 0:21

Hi, I'm Brad Quillen, and I'm the host of When Grief Comes Home. This podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. Now let's go to the team as they share grief resources and coping skills, heartfelt stories and insights to support parents as they raise children who are grieving. Together, you'll find strength as we learn to live with loss and find ways to heal.

Naming The Pain Of Returning To Work

Erin’s Story And Taking Leave

Brad Quillen 1:00

Hello, hello. It's Brad from Jessica's House. Today we're talking about how when your person dies, it feels as though nothing else matters. Yet everyday responsibilities continue. You may wonder, how can the world keep spinning when mine has stopped? This episode is for those facing the overwhelming task of returning to work while carrying the weight of loss. Erin, this is a piece of your story after your son Carter died, and part of our relationship working here at Jessica's House together, because Carter died towards the end of September, and you took an immediate leave out of uh your role here at Jessica's House, and I kind of slid over and fulfilled just a little bit of that role as you left for that season. You want to kind of walk us through a little bit about that, and then you and I will share a little back and forth on how that affected both of us, but also how it was for you coming back and just how you kind of slowly integrated back in is around January when you started to come back after the holiday.

Erin Nelson 2:06

Yeah, Brad, I'm thinking about all of our listeners and our parents who have a death in their life. And as we kind of talked about before, it's a time where you really wish everything could stop, but the world keeps going and it pulls you forward and you still have responsibilities and kind of depending on kind of where you are and what your work entails, you have to make some decisions on will you take a break? How long of a break can you take? And when will you return? And who can take over? I know that when Carter died, it wasn't even a question. I think it was kind of weird being um the director of a grief center, and then having my own kids face another loss in our family, and knowing that just the nature of the work was something that I really couldn't do during um that time. And so thank God for you, and you were there and you knew the program so well and you knew the leadership so well, and you're always already acting in that capacity. So you're able to really step in in a very seamless way and just continue the good work of Justice House of helping children and families who are grieving. And then I took time just to be. And I think just during that time, just letting that grief come and being in those moments and not having to worry and about some of the other responsibilities that are there, you know, just you can let those go for a moment. And so very gratefully I was able to give it a little bit of time. But as time went on, it was time to think about going back. I with Carter dying at the end of September, um, I planned to come back in January and we planned that together. And um I transitioned back in, and it was a unique time in our world because COVID came not too long. A couple months later, yeah. Yeah, a couple months later. And but yeah, so whenever we're experiencing such a major change and loss in our life, just the idea of transitioning back because you're not the same person, right? Right. Right, so much has changed. And I remember, you know, when you're in a place of deep sadness and grief, there's just so much awareness that other people had haven't had that kind of experience. And sometimes you can kind of feel like you notice the laughter a little bit more. You notice how people keep going and some of the things that there that may be on their minds are so far from yours. And so it's just a very tender time for you as a person. So just as our listeners are here, I have a lot of empathy for that experience of needing to transition back in and feeling a little like unsure about like now that I'm a totally different person, how do I enter back in and do the work I need to do and be part of a team? So it's an interesting time.

Brad Quillen 5:16

Yeah, especially with what we do here at Jessica's house and living in the middle of losing your son, you know, three, four months later. That's a very different reality to come back into to the work that we were doing and still do with the grief piece when you're in the midst of it, where it's a little different going back to a job that isn't full-time grief, right?

Erin Nelson 5:37

Right, exactly. But I imagine our listeners are going back to all kinds of careers and all different demands. And so today I know we just want to kind of dive in and talk a little bit about how can they re-enter and how much time do they need and some of the you those unique situations around this time in their lives.

Brad Quillen 6:00

I know when you were out, you would call periodically and ask me about specific things. There were some speaking things you and I had on the calendar and some other events, the large things that were happening. And I remember just telling myself, answer her questions and don't give her any more.

Erin Nelson 6:18

Like not to overfill what you need, yeah.

Coming Back Changed And Workplace Dynamics

Brad Quillen 6:21

Yeah but don't worry about anything else. Like and I remember we would, you know, when I would run into you or uh take some of those calls with you, is Erin, we got it, you know. But there was still just give her help help put your mind at rest in some ways, because I know you were still uh concerned and and love the house and and all those things. But so there was always kind of on my side, it was always kind of that walking that tightrope of I'm I don't know that I ever called you for advice or anything, but I knew I had to return calls if I didn't have an answer for you, but uh and get some of those things. But it was always just trying to touch base and and uh but let you be. Yeah. And just be away with your family and in grief.

Erin Nelson 6:59

Yeah, it was such an important time of being together and healing, and yeah, it's yeah, you just never expect anything like that to happen. And so it was just nice to know that I could really kind of kind of turn and focus on something different. I think as just a mom, like when your own children are grieving.

Brad Quillen 7:24

I'm just gonna put this out there because you're the executive director of Jessica's house, and I was running program, and and Carter dies, I kind of step into your role. But even as you came back in, I just want people to hear this. We didn't have it figured out. Like as you kind of transitioned back in, it was the halftime, three-quarters time, and then back into full time, like handing things back to you. And it was it was there were some clunky moments, and I just want people to know there's gonna be clunky moments as you enter back in. Like from my side of like running a few things and then giving them back to you. And then as you came back in, I'm sure there were there were clunky things as we as we got back into it. And as you said, then COVID comes into play. And that was a couple months later, but it just was it's just hard. I just want people to hear that it's hard to go back.

Erin Nelson 8:08

It's hard. It's hard to go back, it's hard to figure out what happened while you were gone. It's hard to do all of those things. And I know it uniquely at Juscass House, we were in the middle of the Capitol campaign. So that's right. I really dove in and I think about just like our building, I never stopped doing that part.

Brad Quillen 8:29

Yeah.

Clunky Transitions And Shared Roles

Erin Nelson 8:29

And so that was kind of like almost like a creative energy that I had to give, and it really kept a little bit of a focus. And so, as I've heard people say, you know, something that they did in their own home was that they organized every drawer, or, you know, and so we don't know exactly what it might be that we need to put our energy into some type of work, whatever that is, but it is nice to just explore some of those pieces. I remember working with a child one time and asking them to draw something that helps them feel better. And they drew, they drew themselves building with blocks. And I thought that was really interesting because it is something that we need to have, like they needed to create something that they had empowerment over. They were the ones creating. And I think sometimes when we are going through loss, art is coming out of us in some ways. And that could be people will say they wrote their best music or they, you know, they created art, you know, and they drew or they wrote or something like that. So in it is interesting that we do have some creative energy to give. So I think as when, you know, as our listeners are just processing their own story, what is it that they need? What is it that you need as um parents to create something in the world? And right now in this time, and even if you're taking a break from work or maybe it's a creative project at work that you can dive into.

Brad Quillen 10:10

Yeah, how can you kind of modify something that's gonna help?

Erin Nelson 10:13

Mm-hmm. I know it really helped me to, you know, we're sitting at Justice House right now recording this episode, and I think about all the little details, and it really helped me to just see all of those in my mind and envision something coming into the world. And so that was a healing project for me. And it was a unique time in in our Jessica's House history that Carter died right as we were building this building.

Brad Quillen 10:40

Yeah.

Colleen Montague 10:40

When you're talking, Erin, I'm so grateful that you were able to have that time. And I wish that everybody could have that too. And I know I've heard over the years of just some a lot of parents just don't have that offer available to them. I mean, they get three days, maybe five days.

Brad Quillen 11:00

Yeah.

Colleen Montague 11:01

And we know that's not enough time to even begin to really start grieving. And so what do you say to them? You know, we want to talk with them too over this episode of how they can care for themselves in that if they have to go right back into work.

Erin Nelson 11:16

Yeah, it's a reality. And we hear that quite often here at Jessica's house. And that's a whole big conversation, I guess, really, about time off and what we need and what a griever needs. And it takes an intentional kind of self-compassion to keep going and to take care of yourself and to make sure that you have what you need and to really reach out and dig deep for resources for yourself. And that's taking time, making sure that those times off, that you are prioritizing rest, that you're thinking a little bit more than usual about your hydration and your nutrition, and you're building in all the support and even taking those midday breaks to call a friend, to walk after work with someone, um, whatever it is that you need to do to really prioritize your care for yourself as you're having to continue your work alongside your grief.

Colleen Montague 12:24

And I even had one dad once say to me that he jumped back in because he thought that's what he was supposed to do. And then he realized, oh boy, no. And so fortunately he, you know, had some vacation time available and he did. He ended up then taking a break to really just be with himself and his family. And so even if that's an option, it's never too late to take a step back to just take care of really good care of yourself.

Erin Nelson 12:50

Yeah, and I think something that we've always talked about here at Justice House and heard about is you know, sometimes an employer will offer that family leave. And you know, sometimes we just need to do that. And whatever it might be, and so making sure that you're involving HR and whoever it is in um where you at your workplace that you're trying to really tap as many resources as possible to do what you need to um really get through this time.

Brad Quillen 13:20

I was gonna ask you the reality people think like I'm gonna go back and just get back into work. But you said it earlier, Erin, you're not the same person.

Erin Nelson 13:30

Right.

Brad Quillen 13:30

Like you were different when you came back in January of 20 because of what had happened. Yeah. But you're not the same person.

Making Space For Grief At Work

Erin Nelson 13:37

I think something that um was an unexpected kind of side note to that is that you're not the same person, and also there's a dynamic that changes in your workplace because you everybody's aware of your fragility. Yeah. And I think just something interesting, just in my own story, and I mean, I got an email today about someone who was just kind of saying, like, oh, you've had so much, you know, in your life. I don't want to bother you. And I think, you know, just as sometimes when you experience fragility in your life, there may be conversations that need to happen that you don't naturally have because people are kind of afraid to like, you know, bother you or add more pain to you. I think that changes the dynamic in a workplace when you have someone that's fragile and you don't want to overburden them. But maybe that's kind of a tough kind of call because there may be some big projects that you have to take on, or maybe even performance kinds of things, and you're not feeling like you can meet a deadline, and maybe someone's afraid to say, oh goodness, like that's really impacting the rest of the team. And so just as we as grievers go forward with all of our responsibilities, just knowing that there's so many complexities in our work environment and so many people that are impacted, even though this loss happened to you, and um, that there are so many ripple effects that are out of your control, and there just will be an impact on your workplace. And it is almost like that restoration process that happens over time, but um, there will be implications.

Colleen Montague 15:27

And so I think that it can start with the conversations of how others can treat you, how they what you need, you know, have those conversations of here's how you can support me, acknowledging the fact that you're holding a loss. And there's so many different ideas we've learned over the years. You know, it's it's helpful to check in before you return, whether that's with your supervisor or with coworkers. Some have even met before that first day back, just to kind of get those first day back jitters out of the way. Asking for what you need, you know, um, when we have a staff that holds a loss, you know, before they come back to work, we like to ask them, you know, what do you need from the staff here? You do you want them to check in with you? Do you need a little bit of space on it? And just let them teach us. And so want to empower our listeners to do the same.

Erin Nelson 16:17

Yeah, it's so important. I really like that. And just anything that we can do to say before we go back to work, um, you know, what is it that really helps us? You know, we heard somebody talk about how, hey, just give me a hug and tell me you're with me. And, you know, just some of those interactions and it can just feel awkward no matter what. You know, we can have all the training in the world, but grief can just feel awkward for everyone. It feels awkward for the griever, it feels awkward for the people around them, and just expect the clunkiness and know that that does get better over time, but it is just something like that. I know when a mom said to us, you know, the platitudes just aren't helpful to me. And just to say um it's okay, and also that expect that people are gonna say things that that hurt you sometimes, and sometimes people will say things that really help you, and that um most of the time just everyone's doing their best, and it's just like get let's just kind of live in this clunky space for a little while because it really is part of grief.

Break: About Jessica’s House

Brad Quillen 17:29

Erin, Colleen, we're gonna head to a break. When we come back, we want to touch base and just talk a little bit about this idea of just giving ourselves as we enter back into our workspaces because again, we're not the same person.

Gary Shriver 17:41

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org.

Brad Quillen 18:33

Welcome back from the break, and we want to continue talking about this idea of returning back to work after there's been a death. And the reality is as we go back to work, our mind is flooded with all kinds of different thoughts and worries. Worries that we've forgotten things or that we've made mistakes. And so, Erin and Colleen, can you just kind of give us some of those things that we can do that are practical in our workspaces to help us focus at times? Because I know it's easy to go back to my last conversation, or I wish I would have said all those emotions and feelings and thoughts flood our minds. So, what are some of those things we can do to take care of ourselves?

Erin Nelson 19:12

Yeah, well, when I think about grief, you know, it needs our attention, right? And we're always processing what happened, and that just demands energy from us and thought and feeling and letting that come in. Sometimes, you know, when you are back to work, that's really difficult if you're at an important meeting and that also is demanding energy. So you have these two demands. One is your grief that's saying, Listen to me, I'm right here. This, whatever it is, needs to be looked at and processed. And so sometimes I think coming into the present moment, which it sounds so simple, but I know that what helps sometimes is just putting your Feet on the floor, remembering you're sitting in a chair, feeling the temperature in the room, whatever it is on a sensory level, really coming into that space. If you're really having a hard time and intrusive thoughts are coming in because there may be some trauma involved in your death. And if that is going on, you may be processing parts of the death in some ways. Something that we know is research-based that was super surprising. But something that can help with trauma is a simple game of Tetris because it does take you into that part of your brain that's more logical. And so sometimes when you're feeling like that re-traumatization of being back wherever it might be, we can just like pull out our phones and play a little game. Something that I really like to play is the game dots. It's just a little game that you create little shapes in. And I notice that if I'm feeling really anxious or feeling um just processing some really hard scenes or whatever it might be, that that helps me.

Brad Quillen 21:07

Aaron, let me ask you this. You just use the words intrusive thoughts. And you kind of just touched on a little bit, but someone might be wondering, is this an intrusive thought or is this just grief? How do we kind of differentiate between those two things?

Intrusive Thoughts Versus Grief

Erin Nelson 21:20

Yeah, I think when, you know, when we're talking about grief, I think it depends on how the um, you know, how the death happened. And so sometimes we along with our grief, right, we are experiencing trauma, which at Jessica's house we're talking about just, you know, that whole body feeling uh feeling unsafe. And then so sometimes when we have that feeling of being unsafe and powerless, you know, some with whatever that death may have been, we can feel that way again sometimes, even when we're not, you know, when this whatever the death happened, you know, a a while ago. But those feelings of feeling unsafe and powerless can still wash over us sometimes. And when that happens, it's really important that we can find our our way back to safety.

Brad Quillen 22:14

Yeah, it could be in a meeting, could be in the work line, could be in your cubicle, all those things when it just kind of they flood back.

Colleen Montague 22:20

Yeah. Yeah. And so maybe having like a little list at your desk, you know, as you learn little things that help you just in the moment that you can lean on, you know, taking a a little walk around your building, a walk around the parking lot, taking a break, you know, going outside or to another room, you know, just a safe space that you can just be where you are. A car is a good spot for that for a lot of people, you know, and just turning it on if it's hot outside, but just going into their car and taking a moment that they need to just allow themselves to cry or or scream, get frustrated, call somebody that they know they can just talk to really second to kind of help recalibrate themselves. There are so many things that you can learn about yourself to help you through your day. And then also just, you know, do you have somebody in your workplace that can really be there for you as well? We talked about, you know, how much grief impacts your cognitive abilities. And so what if you have one of your peers review any, you know, documents or emails that you want to just make sure you spelled things correctly or that wrote correctly, it makes sense to them, just a set another set of eyes. Um, you may not have needed that before, but maybe you do need it for a little while now.

Micro‑Breaks, Safe Spaces, And Support Buddies

Brad Quillen 23:34

Colleen, I'm glad you talked about that we need spaces or cars or take a walk because one mom in group years ago or that son died tragically. She had a cry closet at work, and that was the idea of her supervisor. And so just want people to communicate with those that are around them and just find out what's available in some of those spaces you might have at work. And she was a nurse, and there was a there was an auxiliary closet that became her cry closet, and she just needed to let her supervisor know I need five minutes and you know where I'll be. And that was all she basically said.

Erin Nelson 24:06

Oh, and I just love that you're talking about tears, Brad, because that is our body's way of resetting, and we can feel that when we're in grief. It's just a natural way that our body is healing. And so when we're having to push that down all the time because we and we're being invited to cry about something and something's coming up for us, and whatever those thoughts are that create those feelings of I just like, I just want to cry, you know, and just being able to find a place. And so if our listeners can just identify just some place that they can go and cry, and that they can, because their body will feel better when they are able to get that out.

Colleen Montague 24:50

And at that place too, having some resources stationed if you can, you know, snacks, water, a blanket, just little things that can bring you some comfort in that moment.

Erin Nelson 25:01

I think those sensory level pieces are so important, even just like your favorite, whatever it might be. I know for me when I was grieving, I love spicy chips, and somehow they brought me into that present moment. And I just kept them on hand. And so I knew that even when everything else was bad, I could just kind of go in and just have just like a little something that, and so like whatever it might be, a chewy candy, and just you're signaling to your brain that you're safe. And so whenever we are experiencing even trauma with our grief, it's like, what can we do to signal to our brain that we're actually not in that scary place anymore? We're safe now, and so we can build that in to a safe place wherever that might be as we're crying and as we have our resources.

Brad Quillen 25:53

I'm glad you're talking about food because we've mentioned snacks, but I'm gonna ask each of you for a good, healthy snack that helps in the grief world because there are the favorites, and I have no issue with that. But I'm gonna say water is one of our best in the drink and that kind of thing and staying hydrated. But what are some of those that we've learned over the years that are very helpful that we might not think about to have stash somewhere or in the fridge at work?

Colleen Montague 26:17

Ice is a good one, carrots, anything that's crunchy, anything that packs a good taste, like a tang that can kind of really signal to your senses. And so I I hear you, Brad, and I appreciate that. Like, yeah, like we want to have all the you know different options. Um, I know one of your favorites is you love to put grapes in the freezer. Yes. And so doing that, just anything that can really bring that texture or that tang or that coldness is really helpful for our nervous system too.

Sensory Grounding: Snacks, Warmth, And Rest

Erin Nelson 26:49

And then when we're talking about like that crunchy, sometimes that can be when we're feeling really lethargic at work and we're just feeling really kind of dislike down regulated in some way, that that can help us to come up a little bit. And then, but if we're feeling anxious at work and we're feeling just just that kind of like that high or kind of buzz of like not feeling safe in our environment, and for some reason, maybe it's just like having some tea with honey, or you know, making your favorite coffee or whatever it might be, just to help you, just putting your fingers around a warm cup, even keeping like a little something, um, like a weighted blanket at your desk, and something that can kind of bring some compression and comfort to your body can help as well.

Brad Quillen 27:41

I know those of you listening, there are so many different jobs and so many different uh work atmospheres and all those things, and we're just throwing out some of the things we've learned or things that we do here at Jessica's house. But Colleen, the reality is there's a myriad of jobs represented by those that are listening today.

Colleen Montague 27:58

Yeah, and you know, we say, you know, go take space in your car during a break. And the teacher listening said is saying, I don't have a break during the day. And so just to echo what you're saying, Brad, is we know there's so much uniqueness. And so not all of the things we talked about today might work for you, our listener, but what can you take? And also, I think our overarching message is it's okay to find things that work for you. You need to take care of yourself even more so than ever before. And so do what you need to do to find that in your work day.

Brad Quillen 28:33

And it might take you a little while to find that, or it might be the sixth or the tenth or the twentieth thing you try that that you find that works a bit. Erin, I know one of the things you would say over and over and over to grieving families is the importance of rest. And we all love a good nap around here.

Erin Nelson 28:50

We love a good nap. And you know, I'm thinking about, you know, a study that we saw that said it takes an average of three years for someone who loses a spouse to get back to a typical sleeping pattern, you know, and sleep is just naturally disrupted in grief. So if you get up after a really tough night's sleep and you're a parent and you're also managing sleep schedules with kids and you have to face an entire work day, that's really hard. So whatever you could do to try to just sneak in a little bit of rest and communicate with whoever it is that you know, we I know um someone who just kept a pillow under their desk and they just kind of go down there, close their door, and take a little rest. And so whatever that might look like for you, maybe you're taking the subway and you try to nap on the way home or whatever it is, it's um it's important to rest, and that's part of how we heal as well.

Different Jobs, Same Need For Care

Brad Quillen 29:49

This has been really good today, Erin and Colleen, for those that are having to go back to work or are facing the reality of going back to work after there's been a loss. Just a reminder for those of you listening, you can find more grief resources at our website at jessicashouse.org. And if you have other topics or questions you'd like us to cover in this podcast, we welcome your email at infojashouse.org. Be sure to join us next time for another episode of When Grief Comes Home. Until then, we wish you well.

Gary Shriver 30:19

Jessica's House is a children's bereavement center located in California's Central Valley since 2012. We provide free peer support for children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a loss. The When Grief Comes Home podcast goes along with the book of the same name. The book When Grief Comes Home is a gentle guide for parents who are grieving a partner or child while helping their children through the loss of their parent or sibling. When Grief Comes Home is now available at all major book retailers. And if you need grief-related support, please visit jessicashouse.org to download our free resources and be sure to follow Jessica's House on social media. If you have any questions or topics that you'd like us to explore in a future episode, just send us an email to info at jessicashouse.org. Thank you for joining us, and we'll see you next time for when grief comes home.