there is a really good reason why the cliche of a therapist in the movies is lay down on the couch. And tell me about your mother. I don't want to say that all of our problems are our parents fault, because high school just kidding there's so much to our mental health. But let's face it, family relationships can be super complicated and when it comes to your parents, it can feel like a mix of love, frustration and sometimes just sheer madness. Whether they're overbearing, they're emotionally distant masters of the guilt trip. Dealing with challenging parents is so hard. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever had a therapy or coaching client that has two well-adjusted parents that haven't negatively impacted them. I've had plenty of clients that didn't realize it or were in denial about their parents negative impact on them. But let's just say that none of you who are listening are coming from the Beaver family. I'm sure of it. So today we're going to talk about how to love your parents without completely losing your mind. We're going to go over why family dynamics are so emotionally charged, how to recognize and address patterns from your childhood, strategies to set boundaries and when to protect your peace by going low contact or no contact. So let's break it down. Let's break down why dealing with your parents can hit so differently than anybody else. Buckle up, because this gets real fast.
Speaker 1:Hey there, and welcome to Not your Therapist the no BS podcast, where I ditch the therapy couch and get real about life, love, work and all the messy in-betweens. I'm Kayla Riley, a licensed therapist and founder of a group practice that now runs without me, giving me freedom to spend more time with my littles and to share the secrets of wellness I've learned with people like you. This isn't therapy. It's your go-to for real talk, practical tips and the occasional truth bomb to help you thrive. And the best part no diagnosis, no insurance company constraints. I get to take off the white gloves and tell it like it is, because I'm not your therapist. If you're ready to break free from unhealthy patterns, navigate the messiness of life with more ease and uncover the magic in your everyday moments, you're in the right place. Welcome to your healing era, friends. Let's do this. Welcome to your healing era, friends. Let's do this.
Speaker 1:Parents are our first role models, caregivers and emotional mirrors. The patterns that we learn as kids, whether unhealthy or healthy, are going to stick with us into adulthood, unless we intentionally unwire them. There is a reason why there's so much research and science and money being put into child development. It's so important and it really becomes one of the most pivotal things in who we are is how we were shaped while we were young. So it's also why a single comment from your mom or your dad can bring up years of unresolved feelings, and why a disagreement with your dad or mom feels so much heavier than a fight with anybody else.
Speaker 1:Culturally, we're often taught to honor and respect our parents. Particularly in the United States, there's a strong emphasis on individualism. Yet the expectation to prioritize family loyalty often conflicts with personal boundaries. In contrast, other cultures, such as Asian and Latin American societies, deeply value familial independence, where honoring parents is central to cultural identity, and obligations often take precedence over personal needs. So while respect is important, these cultural expectations can create guilt when we set boundaries and prioritize our own mental health and our own social relationships. So understanding the cultural lens you're operating within can also help you approach these dynamics with more clarity and definitely more compassion.
Speaker 1:Our brains are wired for attachment, especially with our parents, so these bonds are essential for survival as kids. But they can become emotionally very complicated as we grow up and we no longer are requiring our parents for survival. Your amygdala part of the brain that processes fear and emotion, can light up like a freaking Christmas tree when you feel criticized or rejected by your parents. Even if you're in your thirties or forties, I know that when somebody says something to me about whatever, it's not going to hurt my feelings, but if my parents say something to me about insert subject matter here it's going to hit really different.
Speaker 1:I recently called my dad out for being invalidating. It's just his pattern of communications. Like every time I would share something I was going through or share my feelings, he would minimize like well, you just have to get over that. Or that's just the way it is, or that's really not that big of a deal. I have rarely tried to correct my dad because when, um, I have in the past, it does not go well. But anyways, I had just had enough.
Speaker 1:This particular day I think I was angry and I said to him you are so invalidating. I listened to you, I support you and all you do is invalidate me. And he got super quiet and he said I don't even know what the hell that means, honestly. So I giggle because our generation is becoming more and more aware of what validation is and what triggers are and what, um, effective interpersonal skills are, and I think a lot of times we forget that the older generation, like our parents and our grandparents, just have never had exposure to those kinds of ideas. So I probably should have been a little bit more gentle, but I tried ever so gently when he responded that way to explain what validating is. I have to be allowed to have my feelings, and maybe you could just say things like that makes sense. Or oh, you sound frustrated, or, um, sorry, that's happening to you, or whatever, and ever since. He's definitely not going to write a book on emotional and social intelligence, but he has been trying. He really has been trying. He really has been trying and I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1:Okay, take a minute to think about your childhood. What role did you play in your family? Were you the peacemaker, were you the overachiever? Were you the rebel or the clown? These roles often shape how we interact with our parents as adults. So, for example, if you're always the responsible one, you might feel pressure to keep that role, even when it's no longer healthy.
Speaker 1:Parents who leverage and guilt trip their children often create an environment where love and approval feel very conditional. So these parents might use phrases like after all, I've done for you or you'll regret this when I'm gone, and they're doing that to manipulate their children into compliance. When I say words like they're manipulating their children, this is not a conscious thing. Manipulating their children this is not a conscious thing. This is a lot of times built into their personality because it's how they learned to interact with others. So when I see you know somebody in my family manipulating, I know that it's not. They're not sitting there with a master plan like Dr Evil, thinking like I'm going to manipulate this person into answering all my phone calls and supporting me emotionally. No, no, no. It's very unconscious. It's just how they know how to interact with other people. Anyways, let's get back to it.
Speaker 1:So, over time, this guilt can lead to feelings of like, obligation, resentment and a deep sense of guilt for these adult children. So as these children grow into adults, they might struggle with asserting themselves or making independent decisions without the shadow of guilt looming over them for not doing something that's going to make someone else happy. This pattern can result in these people pleasing behaviors that are so ingrained that it becomes really difficult for them to set boundaries and they'll have a tendency to prioritize other people's needs rather than their own, usually at the expense of their mental health. So, um, if you are someone who does for others and you're a chronic people pleaser, you might want to just kind of meditate on what it was like being raised by your parents. Did they frequently guilt, trip you into doing what they wanted?
Speaker 1:Children with critical parents, on the other hand, often internalize negative messages leading to persistent fear of failure or a belief that they're never good enough. This can foster perfectionism, anxiety, low self-esteem as they grow up, constantly seeking validation or external validation and avoiding criticism. Validation or external validation and avoiding criticism. So adults who grow up with overly critical parents may struggle with self-doubt. They might become their own harshest critics. They might also avoid taking risks for fear of failure or rejection, or they might even overcompensate by becoming really high achievers seeking approval in like the workforce and different arenas of their life. So for these folks, learning to silence that internalized critical voice that developed from having a critical parent can be a major step towards healing.
Speaker 1:Then there's super passive parents. So these parents who are wicked passive leave children feeling very uncertain, very unsupported. These parents might avoid conflict, fail to enforce boundaries, hesitate to provide guidance or discipline. So, while this passivity can create an illusion of freedom for lots of kids, it often leaves them without structure or emotional validation that they really need. Children really do need firm structure as adults. These children of passive parents might struggle with decision-making, they might fear confrontation and they might have difficulty asserting themselves. So they may overcompensate by becoming overly controlling in their relationships or internalize the belief that their needs don't matter.
Speaker 1:Then you've got self-absorbed parents. Self-absorbed parents can profoundly impact their children by creating an environment where their needs and their emotions and I'm talking about the kids are overlooked and dismissed. So the parents are going to dominate conversations, they redirect attention to their own experiences, like the one-uppers, or they might even trivialize their kids' feelings with you're so sensitive or you're going to get over this Over time. This pattern can really lead to low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others or feeling unworthy of attention and care. As adults, children of these self-absorbed parents might struggle with setting boundaries, asserting themselves or prioritizing their own needs Whoa, this is becoming a theme, isn't it? Often feeling like they need to shrink themselves in order to avoid conflict or rejection. I will say, too, that children of self-absorbed parents tend to make decisions for other people, so they become smaller and smaller and smaller, particularly in marriage. So here's a self-reflection exercise for you If you ask yourself what are specific things that my parents do or say that trigger an emotional response, write those down.
Speaker 1:Awareness is really the first step to changing any kind of pattern. So I can definitely see how, like in my family for example, reactivity and fear, like intensity, are used to protect fragile self-esteem and that really creates insecurity for the next generation. It's like this walking on eggshells kind of sensation, because if you step on somebody's toes they're going to have a really strong scary reaction. So it keeps everybody kind of quiet and tiptoeing and cautious about what you say, which lends itself to a lack of intimacy, like you're not going to be vulnerable and have a good intimate relationship with someone that you're scared is going to blow up on you. You're not going to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who you're scared is going to blow up on you.
Speaker 1:So I was on the phone with my grandmother the other day. Thank God she doesn't listen to podcasts and if you do, sorry grams, it's real. You know what happened? Uh, I think she was probably tired or something and she just lashed out with a nasty attitude and, instead of not saying anything, I called her out because I never do this either. It was just. All of my examples are saying like I never do this, but this one time. I don't call my people out in my life because I know it doesn't go well, but anyways, I called her butt out and I said whoa, when you say things like that, I really feel like you don't understand me very well, or some such thing. And she lashed out so fast. She was so reactive. Some people in this family take things so personally I wasn't talking about you blah, blah, blah. I could really tell through my therapist lens that she was super triggered and wasn't capable of taking accountability. So I just kind of wrapped up the call with some small talk and I just didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks so that I could recenter and remind myself hey, this is part of her pattern, I have to be cautious because I need to protect my own energy. Okay, let's talk about if you have these kinds of folks.
Speaker 1:It's so important to set boundaries. Boundaries are not pushing people away. I think there's a lot of black and white thinking about boundaries. Think about boundaries as the ultimate act of self-preservation. So, in order to set effective boundaries, you have to be clear and direct, right? Hey, I can't talk about that right now, let's focus on something different.
Speaker 1:Uh, for example, I don't allow my parents to talk about one another. They're divorced and separated. And when one parent starts talking about the other parent, I say, hey, I'm not doing that, let's focus on something else. Or I'll, you know um, say, hey, I'm really uncomfortable, let's talk about the kids. You also have to stay calm and firm.
Speaker 1:So boundaries really are about consistency, and I think this is where people have the hardest time. So, dad, I've asked you not to bring up politics during dinner. Or, hey, I've asked you not to curse in front of the kids. You have to stay calm, but also being firm over and over and, over and over again. And remember that boundaries are something you set for you, not for other people. So if I set my boundary, hey, please don't curse in front of my children. It's up to me to enforce that. It's not up to my parents to change the way that they speak. It's up to me to uphold. So, hey, if you continue to curse around my children, I'm not going to invite you over anymore. That sounds bad. However, it's me prioritizing the health of my own kids and my own family over the well-being of my family of origin. We're going to talk about moving away from that here in a little bit too.
Speaker 1:So the other way to set boundary, or something to practice boundaries, is saying no. So no is a complete sentence and you do not have to defend, define or explain yourself. Nope, can't make it to the family dinner this weekend, that's it. Can't make it, that's it. There's no like why, why not? What else are you doing? The response should be I just can't make it. I have other things. Actually, that's even defending, but you know what I'm saying. All right, parents might test these boundaries as you start to flex them, especially if they're not used to getting boundaries in their life. So remember that their reaction doesn't mean your boundary is wrong. I know that in the past, when I've set boundaries, people lash out, they get angry, they take it personally, but eventually and that's not my responsibility that's on them. As a therapist, I really get this question a lot.
Speaker 1:When do I cut my parents off and don't talk to them anymore? Sometimes maintaining a healthy relationship means reducing that contact. So low contact might mean fewer visits, shorter phone calls. No contact is a bigger step, but it can definitely be necessary for some people if the relationship is toxic or abusive. If the relationship is toxic or abusive, oftentimes what I suggest people do is not make any decisions set in stone, but to start kind of pulling back slowly and making some rules for themselves and not having to defend or define or announce them. A lot of people like to announce it Like I'm going to call my mom and tell her that I'm only talking to her on Sundays. Announce it Like I'm going to call my mom and tell her that I'm only talking to her on Sundays, or instead of like doing that, you could just only call her on Sundays. Imagine that. And it creates less friction when there's no confrontation. So if you're trying to decide about this, you can ask yourself does this relationship consistently harm my mental health? Do I feel respected and valued or do I feel drained and belittled? So, choosing distance if you do choose distance, it doesn't mean you don't love your parents. It means you're prioritizing your wellbeing.
Speaker 1:I know for me, if my family starts contacting me more than once a week, it quickly becomes too much for me. My family often leans on me when they need something like emotional support or they're going through some kind of crisis or they want advice or they want support. I rarely get contacted when things are going well for them and, in addition, they don't demonstrate much interest in my life or like how I'm doing. It's often a one-way conversation. So for me I know that a weekly check-in call is about as much as I can handle and I'm learning definitely still screw up, but I'm learning not to answer in calls when I'm in a bad place emotionally.
Speaker 1:You can't pour from an empty cup, right? So if I'm exhausted and I know that my parents aren't the people who fill my cup they take from my cup I have to be honest with myself that my family are energetically tolling human beings for me and that I have to protect my energy because ultimately, I have a responsibility to myself and my partner and my kids. That's who I'm responsible to care for, not my family of origin. I see a lot of couples in our counseling practice that really struggle with this, because often families of origin take and take and take from one of the partners and then that partner is too exhausted or spent to give anything to their spouse. So it leads to this resentment and usually you know the spouse has a point.
Speaker 1:You have to cut the umbilical cord at some point from your family of origin. It doesn't mean cutting them out. It means having a more detached relationship that serves you so that you can save the best of yourself for the primary family, aka the one you've chosen for yourself. Primary family, aka the one you've chosen for yourself. So a nice recap family dynamics are really challenging, but awareness, boundaries and some self-compassion can really make a humongous difference. Remember that you can't change your parents, no matter what you say or what you do or what boundaries you set. You cannot control their behaviors. However, you can change how you respond to them. Loving them does not mean losing yourself. So take some time to reflect on your family patterns and consider where a boundary might help you feel a little bit more balanced.
Speaker 1:If you're ready to take this to the next level, hop on over to Kayla Rileycom, get access to my free audio training. Get unstuck three strategies to overcome unhealthy patterns. In this training I really take a deeper dive into examining and overcoming transgenerational patterns. And if you're ready to lean into your healing era, this training is for you, my friend. I'll see you next time and that's a wrap. Thanks for hanging out with me on Not your Therapist. If you're ready to break free from unhealthy patterns, head over to kaylorileycom and grab the free Get Unstuck audio training. When you sign up, you're going to become an NYT insider, with access to exclusive freebies, behind the scenes content and my most bad-ass gems reserved just for you. And hey, if you're loving the show, the best way to support me is by subscribing, leaving a review and sharing it with a friend. Together, we can help more people manage life's mess, magic and everything in between. Remember that success is only measured by how profoundly you experience your life, so don't settle for anything less than epic. I'll see you next time.