64: Ask Me Anything: Perimenopause, Weight Loss, and Family Meals

Ever feel like your thoughts are actively working against your midlife health goals? Like, the moment you decide to try something new, your brain slams the brakes on with excuses like, "That's too hard," "I don't have time," or the classic, "My family will never eat that"? You are absolutely not alone! 

In my first-ever Ask Me Anything episode of The Family Fork, I tackle the questions that are truly keeping busy, midlife moms stuck. 

These are the real, raw struggles that pop up when you're navigating perimenopause, weight loss, and the daily chaos of family life. We're diving deep into the mindset traps that lead to overwhelm and overthinking, and I'm handing you the exact framework I teach my clients to break free.

Spoiler Alert: It's not about being more disciplined or motivated.

It's about training your brain to stop letting difficult feelings (like frustration and defeat) give you permission to do nothing at all. We're talking about everything from the dinner dilemma—how to eat anti-inflammatory when your family demands predictable meals—to overcoming major setbacks like injuries or health complications.

I promise you, there are simple, effective ways to move forward, even when you feel totally overwhelmed, your family is pushing back, or life has thrown you an unexpected curveball (like a shoulder injury or, yep, even breast cancer).  You deserve to feel strong, healthy, and confident, and it all starts with noticing the stories your brain is telling you and choosing to push forward anyway. Let's figure this out together!

What we cover in this episode:

🥑 The Dinner Dilemma Solved: How to eat the anti-inflammatory meals you need for perimenopause health while keeping your family (and your partner!) happy, without cooking separate dinners. (It's not your job to make everyone happy, but you can definitely compromise!)

🥑 The Power of Your Thoughts: Why letting yourself feel frustrated or defeated leads to giving up on your goals, and how that resentment builds toward your family.

🥑 The Overwhelm Trap: Why overwhelm and overthinking are simply the avoidance of feelings (like guilt, embarrassment, or disappointment), and how your brain uses this trap to give you permission to do nothing.

🥑 The Curiosity Cure: The simple, powerful two-step framework for getting unstuck: first, Notice the thoughts that stop you, and second, Get Curious to start collecting data and moving forward (risk-free!).

🥑 Bouncing Back from Setbacks: My personal story of navigating breast cancer and a double mastectomy and the exact mental shift you need to make to stop getting stuck in "survival mode" when life throws you an injury or major complication.


More Support For You

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Transcript

Hello there and thanks for tuning in today. I am so excited about this episode because this is the first time in all of my episodes that I have done an Ask Me Anything episode. Over the past couple of months, I have collected a bunch of questions from you, my loyal listeners, that really helped to show me where you're struggling.

Ashley (00:37.368)

So I've chosen a few questions that represent what I know you are thinking too. So a few lucky listeners get their questions answered, but you get the benefit from hearing how I answer those questions. Now, if you'd like to have me answer one of your questions on a future episode, just send me an email to ashley at ashleymallick.com and use ask me anything as the subject line.

I will definitely do another Ask Me Anything segment coming soon. So get your questions in right away.

As for today's questions, we are digging into a few areas that I know are the biggest sources of challenge for women just like you. And actually, I'll be really curious to know how many of these questions resonate with you and which are things that you've probably asked yourself before. So with that, let's get into today's questions.

Ashley (01:41.272)

The first question that I have comes from Kari and she writes, I'm trying to eat healthy now that I'm in perimenopause, but my family is just not on board. How can I eat what I want, but keep everyone else happy? my gosh, Kari, this is such a great question and I know that you are not the only one who feels this way. So let's break this down a little bit.

Perimenopause comes with lots of unexpected changes in our body. And if you listen, you will probably know that you need to switch things up. So you might have read that it's important to eat healthy. Like I recommend anti-inflammatory nutrition. I truly think it's the best in midlife. But you've probably also read, you know, eat more protein or lift heavy weights.

But the thing is, just because you want to eat anti-inflammatory does not mean that your family wants to go on that ride with you.

Ashley (02:45.624)

So let's dig into what thoughts might be coming up here because you might've heard me say this before on the podcast. It is your thoughts that drive your ear.

Ashley (02:59.23)

Let's dig into what thoughts are coming up here because you've probably heard me say before it is your thoughts that drive your outcomes, not the situation that you're in. So when it comes to perimenopause, you're probably feeling super frustrated with low energy, hot flashes, weight gain, not sleeping well. my gosh. And so when you think about that, you feel the feelings that you can identify are frustration and defeat.

Now let's think about that. When you feel frustrated or defeated, it's actually really easy to give up. Like in this example, it's really easy to say, you know, it's not even worth it when my family won't eat what I want to eat. And so what's the result that you get? You actually don't even try and force family meals anymore. And you just keep eating what everyone in your family wants to eat. But

The problem with that is that you're not eating the things you want to eat. And so you continue to struggle with low energy and hot flashes and weight gain. And unfortunately, in this situation, you might even see some resentment that builds towards your family because they're not working and being flexible with what you want to eat.

Ashley (04:21.038)

But let's take a different point of view here. Let's look at what your family might be thinking. In their world, meal times have pretty much always been predictable. Everyone is settled into a few different meals that they like each week. And so when mom decides to quote unquote eat healthy, it kind of throws a wrench in an already working system. Your kids?

sometimes your partner they have no interest in eating zucchini noodles or in making healthy swaps. So it can feel like the family is kind of at a standstill and too often what I see is that women put their needs aside in order to break that standstill. I don't want you to do this.

Something that Kari mentioned, she said, I want to eat what I want, but I want to make everyone else happy. Just know this, it is not your job to make anyone else happy. But I also get it, as a mom, it's possible. As a mom, it's totally reasonable that you are going to make some accommodations to support what everyone in the family needs.

but I do not want you doing this at the expense of putting your needs on the back burner, okay?

Ashley (05:52.729)

So now that you understand how certain feelings like frustration or defeat are actually driving your results, let's look at a couple of functional ways that you can approach this situation.

Ashley (06:08.536)

So here are some things you can do. You could hold a family meeting and in that meeting, I want you to share with your family what you're going through and how you would actually like their support. You can actually just treat this like a meeting at the office where you would definitely respect that everyone has a point of view to share.

Something else you could try is that you could take some of the recipes from my free meal plan. I've linked to it in the show notes or the supper club, which is a membership also linked in the show notes. And you can get feedback and buy-in from your family on those recipes. What's cool about all of the recipes I share anywhere is that I always include an anti-inflammatory version and a family friendly version. So,

This allows your family to have the meals that they're used to, but then you can make really easy anti-inflammatory swaps without having to cook a separate meal. Something else you can try if you're struggling to like break the standstill with your family is that you can get your family involved. Have them share the load of grocery shopping or chopping veggies, setting the table, and even making one of the meals. I promise you, kids,

and partners of every age and ability can get involved somehow. And truly, when your family has a vested interest in what they're eating, it makes it easier for meals to come together that are going to work for everyone.

Ashley (07:47.087)

So Kari, I hope this gives you and everyone else a few places to start. I want you to remember though, it is not your job to make everybody happy, but it's okay to work with and respect your family's wishes as long as you don't put your needs on the back burner.

Ashley (08:16.674)

All right, that was a great question. And now let's tackle our next one. The next question is from Kelly. Kelly writes, I'm in perimenopause and I want to lose weight and get healthy, but I'm so overwhelmed with the amount of information out there. I don't even know where to begin. Kelly, can I just tell you that you speak for millions of other women out there who are listening.

who feel the same way that you do. So I'm so glad that you brought this up. Now if you write anything down from today's episode I want it to be this. Overwhelm and overthinking are the avoidance of feelings. I want to repeat that okay overwhelm and overthinking are the avoidance of feelings. Now

We'll examine that phrase in just a minute, but first I want to celebrate the fact that women everywhere, including doctors and other health professionals, women everywhere are finally talking about the toll that perimenopause and menopause takes on a woman's health. We have needed to have these conversations for decades, but along with these conversations comes so much

information, like it is information overload. Eat more protein, drink more water, take magnesium to sleep better, or walk 10,000 steps a day, manage your stress, lift heavy weights. And then it's like which supplements are the right supplements? Or is HRT the right way to go? But what if I can't take HRT? What am I supposed to do? So it is no wonder that you have no idea where and how

you are supposed to begin. But I want to kind of peel off.

Ashley (10:13.454)

but I want to look under the hood at your brain. So remember I said that overwhelm and overthinking are the avoidance of feelings. Now, when your brain starts to feel overwhelmed, like where do I begin with this perimenopause journey, or you start to overthink your choices, this is really happening because your brain is trying to avoid painful

feelings. Remember it's that avoidance of feelings. So we're trying to avoid things like guilt or embarrassment, maybe defeat or frustration or disappointment. So this might not make sense or seem super logical. So let's look at a very concrete example.

Say that you have read, I have to eat more protein. I'm supposed to eat 150 grams a day. And you think to yourself, oh my God, that is really hard to get in that much protein every day. Like what kind am I supposed to do? Like whey or plant-based? Do I eat more meat? And then your brain starts to spiral. Well, what if I don't do it right? What if I can't get 150 grams every day? I'm going to feel defeated. I'm going to feel maybe a little embarrassed that I can't figure it out.

I've heard women say before, you know, I feel stupid for not knowing what to do. Or maybe you just feel frustrated that there are so many decisions to make and it's just about protein. Maybe you'll think, you know, I've tried this before and it was just too hard to get that much protein in without living on protein bars. So in this case, what does your brain do? Your brain lets you believe that feeling overwhelmed

actually gives you permission to not do anything at all. Because if you're overwhelmed and you start digging into solutions, you might feel embarrassed, defeated, frustrated. None of those feelings feel good and you probably don't want to experience them. So you do nothing and you tell yourself or your brain gives you the story like you don't even know where to start. And when you do nothing,

Ashley (12:30.912)

Unfortunately, nothing changes.

So what is the solution here? First and foremost, the most important thing you have to do is you have to notice when you are sort of letting yourself give in to overwhelm and overthinking. I really want you to notice when your brain tells you that a new approach to food or a new workout or whatever it is, is too hard, too confusing, or like you don't have enough time.

Ashley (13:07.638)

I want you to notice when your brain tries to stop you from making a move that could potentially improve your health or support your weight loss. So once you've noticed that, then the next step is to get curious. It sounds so simple, but in Kelly's situation and probably your situation too, you are overwhelmed with the amount of info and you don't even know where to start on your health and wellness journey.

So here's what getting curious looks like. What if I tried one new workout this week, just one, it would give you the chance to see if you like it, if you like the instructor, if you can fit it into your schedule, getting curious gets you off the bench to just try something. And then you actually have data to work with. Then next week,

You can try say two new recipes and test them out for you and your family. Again, it's getting curious. What happens when you serve those meals? Does your family like them? Can you cook them and serve them again quickly? Just trying those two new meals next week, it's data so that you can make one or two more choices and keep moving forward.

Ashley (14:36.664)

So you'll see, you notice those thoughts and those feelings, and then you get curious, what would happen if, and it's that getting curious that moves you from spiraling and overwhelm to actually collecting some meaningful data that's going to help you move forward in losing weight or getting healthy, whatever your situation is.

it also helps you deal with those difficult feelings that come up because it lets you just say goodbye to shame and embarrassment because simply by getting curious, this gives you a ticket to trying something new risk-free, not worrying if you fail or not because remember you're just being curious.

Ashley (15:26.146)

Hopefully you're starting to see a theme here. Your brain and your thoughts make it really difficult for you to try new things, to be consistent, motivated, or to push through challenging health and wellness situations. But the more you train yourself to notice when your brain is slowing you down or when your thoughts stop you from trying a new approach that potentially could help you sleep better or lose weight.

the easier it is to reset yourself to push through anyway, even though the feelings that you might feel may be a little bit uncomfortable for just a little while.

Ashley (16:11.062)

Let's look at another question. This one is from Melissa. biggest barriers to losing weight right now are stress, having a glass of wine every night and finding exercise that I enjoy. I know that I can do this, but I feel like it's one more thing on my to-do list. my gosh, can you totally relate to where Melissa is coming from? We all feel stress every day.

and having a glass of wine or two at night, for many women, it's kind of become an automatic way to relax. And then finding an exercise program, let alone one that you like, I mean, no wonder all of this feels like such a drag.

Ashley (16:57.272)

So like we've been talking about, all of this goes back to the thoughts that Melissa is having. I'm too stressed. I can't find a workout I like. I don't wanna give up my nightly glass of wine. In this situation, I see two themes coming up. So first, when it comes to being stressed and finding an enjoyable workout, it is really easy for your brain to default to all of the previous times that you've tried to manage stress.

or tried to find a workout that's super fun, only to be totally, totally disappointed that nothing works. Nothing relieved the stress, no workouts felt fun, they just felt like work, right? So this triggers your brain to remembering how bad it felt to feel disappointed or frustrated when you couldn't relieve the stress or you couldn't find a good workout. And so just by wiring,

you are automatically inclined to do anything not to feel that way again, including doing nothing, which gets you nowhere. The other theme that I see in Melissa's question is the idea of doing something that's different. So our brains love predictability. Your brain loves to know what is coming next. This keeps your nervous system calm. And in sort of like a primitive sense, it keeps you

feeling safe. So if you're facing a season of trying different things like choosing not to drink wine every night, which that's become predictable for your body or doing a workout that gets results, even though it isn't your absolute favorite, all of these things feel like a threat to your brain and your nervous system because the outcome is no longer predictable. So your brain will keep reminding you, my gosh.

that workout felt so bad, or I can't relax at all without a glass of wine every night. Or maybe you're thinking, I just don't have enough capacity to even figure out all of this health stuff. I'm just too stressed.

Ashley (19:12.59)

So the way we get out of the situation, this worrying about trying different things or worrying about difficult feelings, it's the same thing that we talked about in the last question. Noticing when your brain and your thoughts are stopping you from making different choices and then getting curious about what would happen next if you push forward anyway.

Ashley (19:38.35)

knowing full well that skipping a glass of wine might be uncomfortable or recognizing that workouts, they don't actually need to be fun in order for them to be successful.

Ashley (20:00.333)

We've been talking about noticing and getting curious. And just a side note, in my program, the perimenopause weight loss method, or I often just call it the method, I actually teach my students a complete framework for noticing those unhelpful thought patterns. But then we take it one step further to actually rewire your brain so that you can stop all of these intrusive thoughts a lot earlier in the process.

which is gonna make it faster and easier to see results in your health and wellness. But always the first step is training yourself to notice and then get curious what would happen if I pushed forward anyway.

Ashley (20:47.596)

Okay, I want to hit just one more question before we close up this episode because this particular one hits very near and dear to my heart this year in particular.

Ashley (21:02.67)

So Molly shares this frustration about her year. I started swimming and completely fell in love with it. I got stronger from head to toe, but then I had a shoulder injury and now I can't swim. I can't even use my arm at all. I know I need to focus on my mindset, but unexpected setbacks have made me feel like all that I have done has gone down in a landslide and my body will never be the same.

Ashley (21:34.793)

Molly, I know that so many women can relate to this. The minute we start going through perimenopause and beyond, we know we can feel it, that our bodies will never be the same. But where we struggle is in figuring out how to get back to feeling strong and healthy and confident when the old ways of doing things are no longer an option. Like we talked about in the last question, the old ways were predictable.

and those things are no longer an option. Personally, I feel this so deeply because six months ago, I felt the strongest I had in my entire life, but then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and a double mastectomy completely altered the way I needed to work out and care for my body for the foreseeable future.

Ashley (22:31.224)

So the challenge here is in one, accepting that setback. It's okay to get mad and be angry, but then two, in shifting your thoughts to be forward thinking instead of getting stuck in that mad angry cycle. I want to disclaimer this here and say it is completely acceptable and okay to get mad and angry and frustrated and to share and verbalize those feelings. It is important to do that.

but you don't want to get stuck there. So feel your feelings, share them, and then make a choice to move forward.

Ashley (23:13.112)

When you have a major setback like an injury or a health complication, or maybe there's even like a major shift in your family, like a death or a divorce, your brain switches into survival mode. And when your brain is in survival mode, it's almost impossible for you to stop. It's almost...

Ashley (23:35.445)

And in survival mode, your brain stops coming up with creative solutions to problems. So if you're struggling with an injury like Molly, your brain is only thinking about how to heal, get better and survive. But if you take a step back and like we've been talking about, you notice these thoughts that your brain is offering you, you can come up with some different solutions.

In this particular case, since Molly loves swimming, maybe she can find a way to use a kickboard or another flotation device so that she can still be in the water, which she loved, and work out her legs while she gets her heart rate up. Perhaps she could actually try.

Perhaps she can also try some weight lifting with her legs only so her arms and shoulders don't have to get involved. Maybe for you, it's not an unexpected setback in your physical health, but maybe a major shift in your time or your availability. Notice those thoughts that you have, like, I don't have time to work out anymore, or I don't have time to cook healthy meals, let alone shop for them. Once you've noticed the thoughts,

encourage your brain to do some creative problem solving. Again, we're getting curious. Like for healthy meals, if you don't have time anymore or all of a sudden to cook healthy meals, you don't have time to shop, maybe you can grab my free meal plan that's linked in the show notes and then order groceries through a delivery service with the already provided shopping list. That sounds pretty easy, right? Or do you have a teenager at home?

One that can drive, send them to the store for you.

Ashley (25:29.868)

I know when I was going through my breast cancer treatment, I had friends and neighbors and family always asking how they can help. Well, can they pick up your groceries for you? And maybe they could come and help you chop some veggies. There are always ways to support your health and wellness, even when you are facing major setbacks. But you first have to notice the thoughts your brain is giving you and then get curious, which is going to spur you into this

creative problem solving mode.

Ashley (26:04.534)

I am really

I am incredibly grateful to these women for sharing these questions. And I'm just really confident that you resonated with their stories. I have worked with enough women over the years to know that these are stories and thoughts that I hear frequently from moms and women everywhere. So I know that they're really representative. A lot of the feeling

A lot of the thoughts you have about health, wellness, fitness, they've actually served a purpose for many years and throughout evolution to keep you safe. But in this day and age, we don't need our primitive safety mechanisms like we needed hundreds of years ago. Yet your brain is wired to believe things like difficult feelings, unpredictability and uncertainty are unsafe.

So instinctually, you're still wired to protect yourself in ways that don't necessarily serve you.

Ashley (27:12.662)

In the perimenopause weight loss method, my group program, I teach you how to recognize these thoughts and feelings and then decide which ones are true. And then you actually learn how to create thoughts and feelings that are going to serve you better to keep you out of feeling stuck so that you can finally see results. There's a link in the show notes if learning this kind of framework would help you to get unstuck.

to recognize your protective stories and then to teach yourself how to succeed.

I have loved answering these questions today and I will continue to collect more questions for another episode. So if you have a question or you want me to help you with a midlife health or weight challenge, just send me an email to Ashley at Ashley Malik and use ask me anything as the subject line. Plus I'll even let you know ahead of time if I've selected your question for an upcoming episode of the Family Fork. Okay.

Go forward this week taking special care to notice the thoughts you have and then get curious about what would happen if you pushed forward anyway. Thanks so much for joining me today. I'll see you back here next time.