82: Why Your Habits Don't Stick (and How To Fix It)

Tired of trying to make habits that never stick? Maybe you've tried every meal plan, workout program, and healthy habit out there, only to watch everything fall apart within days? 

You're not alone, and more importantly, it is not your fault. (That's good news!)

In this episode of The Family Fork, we're diving deep into the real reason healthy habits feel nearly impossible to build in midlife. Spoiler alert: it has nothing to do with your willpower, discipline, or motivation. It has everything to do with the way your brain is wired.

In this episode:

📌 Why the all-or-nothing approach to healthy habits is working directly against your brain, plus the simple mindset shift that changes everything
📌 The surprising truth about how long it actually takes to build a new habit (hint: it's not 21 days)
📌 Why your brain is secretly scanning for evidence that your new habit won't work, and exactly how to interrupt that pattern
📌 Why buying the new yoga pants, downloading another meal plan, or joining a new gym isn't the answer (and what actually is)
📌 The three concrete solutions you can start using this week to finally build healthy habits that last

You're capable of building new habits that stick, but you need a new strategy for doing that. Listen to this episode to get the full strategy, and to start building healthy habits today!

More Support For You:

🙋‍♀️ Work with Me
⭐️ Connect on Social
🥑 How I Cook Just 3 Nights/Week
🧠 Change your mindset and thrive in perimenopause with this unique approach

Transcript

Ashley (00:07)

I want you to raise your hand if any of this sounds familiar. You are somewhere in the middle of midlife and you're experiencing all of the challenges that perimenopause or menopause bring. You're not sleeping the way that you used to. You're definitely noticing that weight that's collecting around your middle, no matter what you eat. Your joints might feel stiff and achy in the morning.

and you might even be watching more hair go down the shower drain than you would like to admit. So you decide enough is enough. It's time to take better care of yourself and you start researching. You find some really good approaches that seem promising and you get that little spark of excitement. You're like, yes, this time it's going to be different and you dive in and then the thoughts start creeping in.

I have tried so many things before. Am I just going to fail again? I've done programs. I've downloaded meal plans. I have overhauled my kitchen and absolutely nothing ever sticks. There's so much information out there and I've honestly tried most of it, but nothing ever lasts for me.

And maybe if you're really honest with yourself, the quietest and most defeating thought of all, nothing works for me anyway. So why am I even bothering to try again? ⁓ can you feel that? If you can relate to those thoughts, I see you. And I really need you to stick tight with me today because what I'm going to share might completely change the way you

Think about your habits.

More importantly, it will change the way you think about yourself. Now, before we dive in, I want to tell you something that's actually gonna let you take a really deep breath. The fact that you have not been able to build habits that stick, that stay, it has absolutely nothing to do with your willpower. It has nothing to do with your discipline, your motivation, or how badly you want to feel better.

and it has nothing, zero, nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. So the good news is that you can actually let yourself off the hook for all of that right now. Yay. So here's what's actually going on. Habit building is not a personality trait. Rather, it has everything to do with how your brain functions.

and your brain, that same brain that helps you manage your career, raise your kids, the one that holds your family together and really is helping you navigate every hormonal shift that midlife throws your way, that brain is wired in a very specific way.

Your brain is designed to protect you by conserving energy. is always, always, always looking for the path of least resistance. The things that you've been doing for years, like routines, the patterns, the defaults that you fall back on, those are deeply embedded neural pathways. They're comfortable. They're completely automatic and your brain loves them.

So when you try and introduce something new, your brain doesn't see it as, hey, this is a cool opportunity. It sees effort and hard work and discomfort. And what does it do? Your brain pushes back. So this does not mean that something is wrong with you. It's just a feature of your brain that makes building new habits really, really hard, and especially in midlife.

when your hormones are shifting and your sleep is suffering and your mental load is already at full capacity. There's nothing wrong with you. It is possible to build new habits that stick. You just need to update your strategy.

So today, I wanna walk you through four very particular areas where I see women getting stuck when it comes to building habits that last. And then we're gonna talk about what you need to do instead. By the time we're done here today, you are going to recognize yourself in some of these and you're actually gonna leave with a much clearer picture of what's actually been working against you.

So the first area where you might be struggling, I know this is going to be familiar to you, is trying to change too much all at once. And I get it, right? Like when you are feeling so overwhelmed with perimenopause, there's just this moment where you hit a wall. You're done. You are exhausted from not sleeping. You are frustrated by the weight that keeps creeping around your stomach no matter what you do.

your joints ache, your energy is non-existent, and you reach this point where you think, you know what, I am so done feeling this way. I'm changing everything. I'm going to start on Monday. So the list comes out and you're going to completely change the way you're eating. You're going to work out every single day. You're going to drink 10 glasses of water before 6 p.m. You'll definitely hit those 10,000 steps every day without fail. New habits.

new body, new life. Let's do it, right?

And here's the thing, the impulse to do all of that, it completely makes sense emotionally. When you feel terrible, you want relief and you want it now, like immediately. But what feels like a powerful, fresh start to you actually feels like an all out threat to your brain. You are asking your brain to abandon multiple deeply ingrained patterns all at the same time.

and to replace them with new behaviors that take a lot more effort. Your brain, it's not going to go along with that and just say, sure thing, let's do it. It is going to push back hard. And within days, sometimes even within hours, the wheels, they start coming off. Now, here's where it gets a little sneaky, because you might be thinking, OK, I've tried doing just one thing at a time.

going small and it still didn't work. I hear you, I get it. But I want you to look a little more closely at what that one thing actually looked like. So let's say you decided to focus only on nutrition. Sounds reasonable, right? Focused, super laser focused. But then what happened? You cleared out your pantry, you restocked your fridge.

You definitely downloaded new recipes, you bought a bunch of different ingredients, and you even mapped out like this whole new way of cooking for your family. And you did it all in a weekend. Guess what? That is still too much. Even when the focus is narrow, just on food.

If the scope of the change is too big, if it touches what you buy, what you cook, what your family eats, how you plan your week, your brain is still being asked to overhaul a huge number of patterns simultaneously. And it will struggle to keep up no matter how motivated you feel on day one. So the bottom line is that your brain needs repetition and time to build new neural pathways.

flooding it with change, even when it's well intentioned, that does not fast track the process. It actually derails it.

The all or nothing approach feels like momentum, but it's actually your quickest way to burning out. And when that burnout comes, and it will, it doesn't feel like that's just what your brain is supposed to be doing. It actually feels like you are failing yet again. It is not a failure on your part. And we're going to talk about that more in just a few minutes. But next, I want to look at another area where you are getting tripped up.

So the second area where I see women struggle when it comes to building habits that stick, and I don't know, this one might surprise you because the mistake isn't in what you're doing. It's how long you're giving it before you decide it's not working. So here's what this looks like. You start a habit with the best of intentions. Maybe you've even like listened to that advice about, okay, I'm gonna start small. You're doing.

one new thing and you feel pretty good about it, but then life happens. One of your kids gets sick and you can't make it to the gym. A work deadline derails your really carefully planned dinner. Maybe you have three back-to-back exhausting days and the last thing that you can do is think about what you need to eat. And somewhere around day two, three, or four, that habit, it quietly falls apart.

And what do you tell yourself in that moment? Probably something like, see, I tried. I just knew this wouldn't work for me. But here's what you need to know. Two to five days, it's not enough time. It's not even close. Research actually shows that it takes an average of 66 days to completely form a new habit, not 21 days. That is this myth that's been floating around for decades. 66 days.

And that number, it's not arbitrary. That time window is the window that your brain needs to begin rewiring itself to start building new neural pathways that make a new behavior feel like less effort, less uncomfortable, and eventually to make it just feel normal.

I mean, really think about what you're actually asking your brain to do when you start a new habit. You're asking it to carve a brand new groove while the old groove, the one that's been working for years is still right there, smooth and easy and familiar. That rebuilding does not happen in a week and it doesn't happen in two weeks. It takes consistent repetition over time for that new groove.

to become deep enough that your brain starts choosing it automatically.

And here is a really important reframe. Those interruptions, like having sick kids, work deadlines, three hard days in a row, those are not signs that you are not capable of building a new habit. That is just life. So the question isn't whether life is going to get in the way. It will. It always will. The question is whether or not you use those moments as an opportunity to learn about how

this new habit fits into your real life or whether you can use those moments as evidence that it doesn't work. Those 66 days aren't just about repetition. They're about adjustment. It's about figuring out what happens to your healthy dinner plan when your week goes crazy and actually problem solving your way through it instead of just quitting.

Every time you navigate an obstacle and keep going, you are actively rewiring your brain. You're deepening that new groove. So if you've been giving your habits a week or two and then walking away, you just need to know that's not enough time for your brain to get on board. It's not a reflection of your ability to change either. Your brain is simply doing what all brains do, defaulting

back to what is known, what's comfortable, and what requires the least amount of effort.

Now, the third mistake is where things get really interesting because it's not about your actions at all. It's about what is happening in your mind before you ever even take that first step. It's this. You don't actually believe that it'll work this time. So think about the last time that you decided to start something new, like a new way of eating, a new workout routine, a new commitment to getting more sleep or drinking more water.

And I want you to be really honest with yourself about the thought that was quietly running in the background when you started. Was it something like, I'm going to try this again. I don't really think it's going to stick. Or maybe it was more like, I'm going to give it a shot. But you know what? I've been here before. I know how this ends. Or even just this low, quiet hum of, oh, god, I really hope this works this time. If any of that resonates,

please understand that those thoughts are not just pessimism. It's not you having a bad attitude that you just kind of need to push through. Those thoughts are a neurological instruction and your brain is listening. Here's why. Your brain has a system called the reticular activating system. And in really simple terms, its job is to find evidence for whatever you believe to be true.

whatever thought or belief you hand your brain, it goes to work scanning your environment, your experiences, your circumstances to confirm that you are right.

So when you walk into a new habit and you're telling yourself, ⁓ I don't think this is going to work, your brain hears that as an assignment. It starts looking for proof. And guess what? It will find it. That one dinner that didn't go as planned, the one morning that you didn't work out, that one day that you forgot your water bottle, your brain collects all of that evidence and brings it right back to you and says, see?

I told you this isn't working. And meanwhile, all of the days that did go well, the meals that came together, the walk you actually took, the morning you actually felt a little bit more energized, those all get filtered out because they don't match the belief that your brain is trying to confirm. Your brain is just doing its number one job by trying to protect you. You've tried things before that

didn't work out and your brain remembers that it learned from that. And now in its own like misguided way, it's trying to shield you from that disappointment of failing yet again, by lowering your expectations before you ever even get started. This is a coping mechanism and it's it makes sense, but it is keeping you completely stuck. Because the truth is,

No meal plan, no workout program, no new approach to your health is going to work if your brain has already decided it's not gonna work. The strategy, it is never the problem, but the thoughts driving the strategy, that's what's getting in the way. This is why so many different women can follow the exact same program and have completely different results. It's not about the program.

It's about what's happening in your brain underneath it all. The good news is that you absolutely can change this. Your brain's pathways are not permanent. And with the right framework and enough repetition, you can actually rewire your brain and the way that it thinks about building new habits so that

instead of expecting you to fail, you can start by being curious and open and ready to learn. This is some of the like completely transformational work that I do with students inside of the perimenopause weight loss method. So if this is really resonating with you, be sure to check that link out ⁓ in the show notes.

Now the fourth area where I see women getting stuck when it comes to really building habits that stick is believing that somewhere out there, there is one perfect strategy, one right program, one magic approach that is finally going to be the thing that makes it all click into place. And I say this with so much compassion because I have been there too and I see it all the time with

my students in the method. When those habits haven't stuck in the past, it is natural, of course, to decide that, you know what, the problem was the approach, that you just haven't found the right one. So you keep looking. You download another meal plan, you sign up for yet another program, you join a gym, you buy that cute water bottle that's supposed to make you drink more water, and you get the new yoga pants, right? Because honestly, if you have the right gear,

maybe that will fire up your motivation.

I get it. There is nothing wrong with any one of those things individually. But when the underlying belief is that, ⁓ this is the thing that's finally going to make this habit stick, that's where the problem lives. Because four weeks later, when you haven't gotten to the gym, that meal plan is still in your downloads folder. It doesn't feel like a brain pattern. You actually start to feel shame.

You look at those yoga pants in your drawer and you think, my God, what is wrong with me? I should be able to do this. Other people can do this. Why can't I? And then almost immediately those justifications start. Well, I don't know. The gym is too far. My schedule is just too crazy and unpredictable. My family, they don't eat the same things that I'm trying to eat. My life is just too complicated for this right now.

Those justifications, they're not excuses. They are your brain doing exactly what we've been talking about this entire episode, finding the path of least resistance and doing whatever it takes to get back there. You're not doing anything wrong. You're just trying to push against a brain that has more than 40 years of ingrained patterns.

and no yoga pants, no water bottle, no meal plan, no matter how good it is, can override a brain that hasn't been brought on board yet.

The magic you are looking for is not in the strategy. It's in learning how to work with your brain so that any reasonable strategy can finally take hold. When you have that skill, the specific plan matters so much less because you finally have the ability to make it stick. That is the real work. And the great news is that it is completely learnable.

That's what I teach inside of the method. So let's talk about a couple of ways how you can learn how to do this. Because I don't want you to walk away from this episode just feeling like you've been doing everything wrong. I want you to walk away with something tangible, something that you can start to use this week. So here are three things. And they each build one on the other. So just stick with me.

The first thing is that you need to go smaller than you think you need to. And I'm not just talking about starting small. I'm talking about going micro, smaller than might even feel productive, smaller than it even feels like it's worth doing. Because the truth is your brain, it does not care how impressive the change is. It actually just cares how repeatable it is. So instead of overhauling your entire way of eating,

I want you to try one new meal per week. That's it. Not a new breakfast, lunch, and dinner, not a whole new weekly menu, one meal. Maybe it's a new dinner on Thursday night that you build around more protein and fewer processed ingredients. That's it. One meal every week and do that for 30 days. After 30 days of consistency with just that one meal,

then you layer in a second one and then a third. Over the course of a year, do you know what that adds up to? Dozens of new healthy meals that are fully woven into your life. They're not forced, it doesn't feel overwhelming, just quietly and solidly part of how you eat now. That is how sustainable change actually happens. Not in a dramatic weekend overhaul, but in small pretty much

boring increments that your brain can actually keep up with.

Now the second thing is to commit to the timeline before you even start. So I want you to make a decision in advance that you are going to give this 66 days, not a week, not two weeks, 66 days. And you are deciding right now before anything goes off the rails that when life interrupts and you know it will, you're not going to see that as a sign of failure. You're actually just going to treat it as data.

You're going to ask yourself, what does this interruption tell me about how I need to adjust this habit so that it fits better into my actual life? Maybe the gym at 6 AM, it doesn't work when your kids are sick or ever. So what's your backup plan? Maybe that Thursday dinner prep falls apart during a heavy work week. So what's a simpler version that you can fall back on?

Every time you hit an obstacle and problem solve your way through it instead of quitting, you are doing the work of rewiring your brain. You're teaching your brain, this is a new habit and it's here to stay even when things get hard. That is incredibly powerful. And the third thing, and this is the one that makes the other two things work, is learning to interrupt doubt. So when doubt shows up and you know

that it will. You know, I'm going to try this, but I don't think it'll stick. I need you to catch that thought and then get curious about it instead of just accepting it as truth. I want you to ask yourself, where is this thought coming from? What experience have I had in the past that made my brain want to try and protect me from this? And is that experience actually relevant to what I'm doing right now?

I really don't want you to replace the doubt with a false sense of confidence or even toxic positivity. You don't need to convince yourself that everything's going to be perfect. You just need to create enough of a pause, an interruption to that automatic thought pattern, to stay open instead of shutting down before you've even gotten started. This is the work that changes.

everything. And it is the framework that I teach inside the perimenopause weight loss method. That is an eight week intensive program where we work on rewiring the thoughts that have been quietly sabotaging your habits so that you can finally build a healthy lifestyle with habits that actually last. So if you want to learn more, I've linked to it in the show notes.

But even if you're not ready for that yet, I want you to try these three things. Pick one micro habit, commit to it for 66 days, and then start paying attention to the thoughts that show up when you begin.

Everything that you have experienced when it comes to trying to build those new healthy habits, the frustration, the false starts, the feeling like you just don't have what it takes, none of that has ever been about your willpower. None of it is about your discipline or your motivation or how much you want it. You want it. I know you do. I see that. That has never been the problem.

What's actually been happening is that you've been trying to build new habits while working directly against your brain's most deeply ingrained wiring. And you've been doing it in most cases while managing a career, raising a family, and navigating the physical and hormonal shifts that midlife is throwing into your body. That's not a recipe for failure because something is wrong with you.

That's actually a recipe for struggle because you have been handed a very difficult set of circumstances and you've been given the wrong tools. So now you have a better picture of what's actually been going on. You can see these four patterns, trying to change too much at once, not giving your habits enough time to take root, starting with a brain that's already planning on failing.

and really searching for a magic strategy that you think is going to make it all click. And more importantly, now that you know each one of these patterns is workable, you know none of them are permanent. Your brain's pathways are not set in stone. They can change, but with time, repetition, and with the right approach. So here's what I want you to do this week. Just one thing, pick one small habit.

and commit to it for 66 days. Not perfectly, not without interruption. Life, right? Just consistently enough to give your brain the time it needs to start building something new. You deserve to feel better. You deserve to sleep well, have energy, and to feel strong and comfortable in your body during this season of life. That is all possible for you. You just have to start working with your brain

instead of against it. If you want support in doing exactly that, be sure to check out the method. The link is waiting for you in the show notes. This program is really designed specifically for women in midlife who are ready, like you, to think differently, build habits that last, and to finally feel like yourself again.

Thanks so much for joining me today on the Family Fork and I can't wait to see you next time.