Facing Discomfort with Honesty and Growth

What happens when a simple comment like "sneaky" opens the door to a whirlwind of unexpected emotions? Journey with us as we uncover the hidden depths of emotional responses, revealing how these often-unforeseen reactions can be turned into powerful opportunities for self-reflection and growth. By taking a step back and examining the triggers hidden within our interactions, we can redefine or release beliefs that no longer serve us. Embracing accountability, we explore how to move past blame and victimhood, stepping into a space of open communication and understanding.

Our conversation expands into the realm of taking full responsibility for creating our realities. We explore how recognizing our triggers and reactions allows us to make informed choices that shape our interactions and relationships. Acknowledging that sometimes we play the role of the messenger for uneasy truths, we discuss the potential for growth and transformation that comes from facing these discomforts head-on. By navigating these dynamics with honesty and humility, we can embrace our roles in each other’s lives, fostering deeper connections and understanding.

As we round out our discussion, we turn our focus to the art of healthy communication. Relationships thrive when intentions are understood, and we offer insights on how to transform perceived criticisms into meaningful growth. Through relatable scenarios, like the trials of assembling Ikea furniture with a partner, we highlight the importance of setting boundaries and communicating expectations clearly. By resisting the urge to blame, and instead nurturing accountability, we advocate for positive, harmonious interactions that strengthen bonds and promote lasting personal development.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:52

Guess what.

Speaker 2 0:54

What.

Speaker 1 0:54

We're back in studio and doing another podcast.

Speaker 2 0:57

I think that's when you hit the little button.

Speaker 1 1:00

Oh yeah, we're in our second season.

Speaker 2 1:05

You would think by second season you'd have your buttons down.

Speaker 1 1:08

You'd think One of these days I'm actually going to adjust these buttons because I get ribbed about it probably every podcast. You'd think I would fix it eventually. You'd think I'd spend the time doing it. Well, we're in our second season and we are.

Speaker 2 1:27

We're doing number two.

Speaker 1 1:29

Doing number three.

Speaker 2 1:30

Right, we're doing number two.

Speaker 1 1:32

Oh, number two season.

Speaker 2 1:33

Yeah.

Speaker 1 1:34

We're in the process of doing number two, hope it doesn't stink. They don't know because they don't see us, they just hear us.

Speaker 2 1:39

Still, I hope it doesn't stink.

Speaker 1 1:40

I know right, I know right. So this morning Dr Jenny brought up a topic and I debated on bringing it today, but normally if she brings up a topic it's probably time to do it.

Speaker 2 1:59

And so the topic is… Great.

Speaker 1 2:00

What have I done? We're probably going to have a little bit of a different perception on it, you and I. I don't know. I don't really know actually, I guess we're about to find out, but a couple weeks ago I made a comment and it was you know, we talk in baby voice a lot to each other and I said it's fun to be Niki Mama and talking about sneaking around, and it rang her bell.

Speaker 2 2:28

Oh boy, howdy did it. It's still ringing my bell.

Speaker 1 2:34

And in my world it was just a fun, playful comment, but in her world it rang the bell.

Speaker 2 2:41

It has rattled my mother bleeping cage.

Speaker 1 2:45

Rattled your cage.

Speaker 2 2:46

Absolutely.

Speaker 1 2:48

Well then, talk about it a little bit, and it is entangled.

Speaker 2 2:51

I don't know if this is the right platform to talk about that, Because it is not pretty folks.

Speaker 1 2:59

Well, the thing about it is, I think, a lot of times when A there's multiple purposes for when something rings your bell, One is it's something that's time to come up Of course.

Speaker 1 3:12

Spirits are leading to you, and I'm talking to the listeners. I know, you know and I'm talking to the people that listen to it, and you know. The other reason is to identify with yourself. Why does this ring your bell? So, for example, if one of your employees said that to you, it wouldn't ring your bell, maybe a little bit I'm not so sure about it, because it's pretty, it's pretty deep-seated for me.

Speaker 2 3:41

I I think that, no matter who said it, if it's time for you to look at it, it's going to get your attention. And for me, at this point, obviously it's time to look at it and I don't think it mattered who said it. I think it would have rang my bell regardless.

Speaker 1 4:02

Okay, that's good. That's good that you're open like that to listen to things you know. I think the main purpose of this is not really about the phrase that was said. It's more about identifying and listening to those things when they pop up. Do you agree with that or no?

Speaker 2 4:20

Always, I mean when something pops up and it gives you not so fun feeling. Yeah, I mean, that's the point of why it's popping up is because, even if it's on an unconscious level, you've made the decision that you're ready to look at it, explore it, research it, and then you get to decide whether you want to redefine it, keep it hang on to it, let go of it. Like you get to make the choices within that, Anytime you have, um, a belief, a pattern, a program, a habit, et cetera that has been brought to your awareness. It then takes you from that place of not knowing, I guess on an unconscious level, why this is happening to you in your reality, but it brings you to that place of now getting to make some choices which can alter and change the reality.

Speaker 1 5:23

Okay, Like, for example, can alter and change the reality. Okay, like, for example.

Speaker 2 5:26

Like, for example, it's fun to be sneaky. And I absolutely do not agree that it is fun to be sneaky.

Speaker 1 5:33

You know the human part of this. You know, when you brought that up this morning, I was completely caught off guard because I have no memory of even saying that and so it means to me I didn't log it it as something important and it obviously rang your bell and so I was completely caught off guard by it. And you know the the point of it that I want to bring humanly in to it is to make people stop and understand that that when those things happen, it's not the person saying it's fault, it's not the person saying it's fault, it's not the person receiving any phrase. I mean, this could be any phrase, this could be any phrase. You know, when it comes to looking at things in a bigger scheme, that happened because it was supposed to and humanly we can get our emotions involved in it.

Taking Responsibility for Creating Reality

Speaker 2 6:23

Of course, and humanly we can get our emotions involved in it. Of course. Humanly, you can start to point blame. You can go into victimhood and say you're doing this to me and I have no control over it and I am the victim. Woe is me. You can, I mean, there's lots of places that are not beneficial, that you could go with it.

Speaker 1 6:42

Right.

Speaker 2 6:42

But that's not what this is about. I agree. This concept, I guess, that we're putting out there is being completely and totally out of the template of victimhood, of fear, of lack because those are all limiting and coming to a place where you are 100% accountable for your reality and learning how to navigate that. Once you are aware that something is ringing your bell or triggering or pushing a button, then you get to know that it's happening on a conscious level. To know that it's happening on a conscious level and, like I said previous, then you get to, so to speak, take some of your control back and realize that, okay, now that I know about it, I have the control to do something about it and I can either continue to let it bug me. I can explore it and find out where it's coming from and look at those bits and pieces, bit by bit, piece by piece, and discover what definitions, patterns, beliefs I have been hanging on to that are not serving me, or I can decide to hang on to it and feel like crap, Like you get choices.

Speaker 2 8:04

Oh, I agree, and it's all about you making those choices, because you create your own reality.

Speaker 1 8:11

Agreed completely. Now, on this side of the fence, you know being the person that made the comment, and it gets brought up when you know in my mind it was not even something I logged in, it was an innocent comment, just out of fun. I think I don't really know something. I logged in. It was an innocent comment, just out of fun, I think I don't really know. But on this side of it, if, especially when you are, you know, emotionally attached or you know, to someone, it can make you feel bad and like you know, I've, I felt bad, I was, you know, I went to the shower and I was, I was sitting there, I was like I mean, it makes you want to think about everything you say and check in humanly. I'm talking about on the human side of it all and you know it can, it can register.

Speaker 1 8:51

As man, I caused grief and now she's had two or three weeks of of having to do, you know, clearings and stuff and I caused this and that that's what it can.

Speaker 1 9:01

It can come to humanly and we've got to make sure that we don't let ourselves get into that, because to me it's about it's about understanding, having a bigger understanding that yeah, it caused this, but apparently I was moved to say it at the time, or I was, I was maybe you know your uh, the person's higher self was like, hey, she needs to look at this and make this comment, because I don't even know what it was about, I don't remember any of it, but the point behind it is the human side of it.

Speaker 1 9:34

You can't let yourself get involved in that circle, because I went there for a little bit and I kind of had to clear that a little bit Because I didn't. You know, I know my intentions and I know my love for my wife and Dr Jenny. I know how much I love being around her and being with her every day and doing everything that we do together in our adventurous, fun life. But when it comes to causing that kind of pain, it can cause things to humanly feel bad. It can cause things to look do humanly feel bad. But it's also something that I needed to look at on the other side of that, of realizing that I don't create that person's reality.

Speaker 2 10:14

I'm just a pawn in that reality that's been created. Right, I mean, it can't. This is a rabbit hole topic a little bit, because we do create our own reality topic a little bit, because we do create our own reality. But then the question comes into play what if you're sharing a reality with a spouse or a loved one? How does that look and how does that all culminate? And what does that look like? Because you've got two individuals creating their own reality and the essence of it is that, yes, I am creating my reality, you're creating your reality, but we have chosen, on a bigger level, for that person to be. I guess you use the word pawn, I guess you use the word pawn, but be a character with specific roles in the reality that you're creating, and vice versa.

Speaker 2 11:13

And so, at the moment that you made that comment, it was already something that had been orchestrated to happen, because, at that very moment in time, it was time for the comment to be made in the best way that I would be able to hear it, even if it was uncomfortable for me, and you were the chosen one congratulations, it's because you know, you know it didn't mean that you and yeah, you're right If you're tangled up in and complete humanness on the other side of that, you could definitely go into that guilt and feel bad and all of that in that.

Navigating Relationships With Humility and Understanding

Speaker 2 12:02

But realizing that you know what I love her, I, you know, I humanly didn't intend for it to. But to remember that sometimes you're just the vehicle for the information or the action to come through to best get that person's attention on the topic. And your higher self, or my higher self, speaks through whatever vehicle it knows will get the attention of the person on that particular topic. And that's why we have different things come into our reality of you know, like we've said before, you put it out there and you wait for the information to come through and it could come through your husband, your wife, a stranger on the street, a book on the shelf falling, and not to create your own maybe not so true story within your head maybe not so true story within your head humanly, is definitely the best way to go when you're the giver of the information, because we're not here always to give the unicorn fart information.

Speaker 1 13:18

Unicorn fart.

Speaker 2 13:19

That's all skittles and glitter and glam. Sometimes we are the bearer of the information that's not going to make that person feel at the moment. A hundred percent.

Speaker 1 13:31

Well, you know, I think the you know, part of the part of this I want to really get out to people is because that scenario happens a lot in relationships Like, for example, a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband and wife, friends, coworkers. You know they have relationships and somebody says something that ring their bell and they get upset about it.

Speaker 2 13:54

Offended.

Speaker 1 13:55

Offended by it or whatever.

Speaker 2 13:57

Right.

Speaker 1 13:57

And this person, this other person, you know, eventually it comes out. Or especially if they're besties, they'll be like, well, that hurt my feelings, or whatever it comes out, or especially if they're besties, they'll be like, well, that hurt my feelings, or whatever. And then and then it creates guilt in both directions and many other things or in in relationships. Sometimes it can cause knockout, drag out fights right and understanding that the bigger picture of life is that's what we're here for, for each, each other.

Speaker 2 14:23

Yeah, getting to a place where you can come to that spot inside of you that says, okay, he or she is not doing this to me, they're doing it for me because this is the reality that I'm creating that is beneficial at this time. This being is not doing anything to me. This being is not doing anything to me it was a pre-designed moment in time for the evolution and growth.

Speaker 1 14:52

Yes, I 100% am on board with that same comment. But going out there to that spot where it rattles cages, is that hot? Yeah, she just took a drink of her hot chocolate and had the open mouth blink, scream. But when they, you know, when you have two humans that are maybe going through spiritual awakening or are already awakened and this kind of scenario pops up for them, it can I mean, you know, we have counseled people through this scenario to where they feed off each other and they keep feeding, and they keep feeding.

Speaker 1 15:30

Well, I wouldn't think this way if it, if you hadn't done this to me, or I wouldn't have thought this way if, if bobby, joe becky sue, whatever you know did this to me back 50 years ago, and it just builds fight and builds energy, and if one of or both of them are impasse, all they're going to do is feed off each other and and it's, and.

Speaker 1 15:49

So that's what the first part of this I think that I want to do say you know, you make an agreement to have a friendship, a relationship, a love life, a friends with benefits, whatever that is relationship, and that person says or does something to you that bothers you, but it didn't bother them. That is not a them problem, that's a you problem, and it's not happening to. It's not happening to you, it's happening for you. And so stop for a minute, because that's what kind of what I had to do this morning. I had to be like. That was such an innocent comment. Why is it? Why? Why am I, you know, looked at differently and I had to go through. I had to go, you know, of course I didn't say any of this out loud, it was all in my head.

Speaker 2 16:39

Right.

Speaker 1 16:40

But I had to see the bigger picture and that's what I did in the shower was stop to realize that. You know, I'm just a pawn in that game and I don't mean to say it like playing it down, like I'm a pawn. I mean to say that I read my script, I did my lines and I didn't have any cue cards.

Speaker 2 16:59

And that's what just happened, the way it was supposed to happen.

Speaker 2 17:00

You did exactly what your character was designed to do, that I created Like it was already in motion, that your character for me and my reality that I'm creating at that very moment in time, was to say that comment so that it would bring it to my awareness, get my attention and bring up those things that I'm ready to look at and release and let go of.

Speaker 2 17:28

But you're very right, these kinds of topics and these kinds of scenarios can, especially I want to go here for just a second when you're in a relationship that we call marriage or you're in a relationship of a significant other that we call marriage, or you're in a relationship of a significant other, a lot of times that loved one can be used as the scapegoat or the finger pointing blame in almost a I'm going to use this word, I'm going to go there in almost a narcissistic way to keep you from looking at your own garbage. And it can. If it's not looked at and it's not really dealt with in the best way, it can definitely destruct and destroy and absolutely crater a relationship if it's not handled in the appropriate way.

Speaker 2 18:33

The other thing I want to add and then I'll give the mic back is what if you're in a relationship and I'm talking intimate relationship, not just friends, but what if you're in a relationship that we call marriage or we call significant other, and the other person is not at the level of awakeness or awareness?

Speaker 1 18:58

That would be me.

Speaker 2 18:59

That is no.

Speaker 2 19:00

I mean on a much broader, much more drastic scale, like they are just not about hearing metaphysical at all. They're still very, very human, still in denial of any of it. But you're much, much, much farther along on your journey. It can be very challenging to get that other person to see that you made the comment that you made for their benefit, and they can continue to say mean and hurtful things of if you would do it this way if you hadn't have done that, if you, if you, if you, if you, what does that awakened person do? And how do they navigate that situation is currently energetically what is coming in, and so how do you navigate that, even though you're not at a place where you say, okay, this relationship needs to end? This is not for me.

Speaker 2 19:58

If you're still in that place where you say, okay, there's more to learn in this relationship, I'm not ready to just pull the plug on it. How do you, when you're that person, navigate that? And what you have to remember is keep reminding yourself that the unawakened person is just not there yet and get to a place, if you can, by some of the techniques we've mentioned before, of remembering that they are where they are and the things that they're saying or the behaviors that they're doing, even if they're unpleasant, don't necessarily have to have a definition or, I guess, get a response out of you. Unless you're moved to, like, don't sit there and argue with them. If it feels yucky and you're not moved to, don't sit there and continue to have the conversation. Don't take things personal. Keep reminding yourself that they are reacting based on the level of where they're at and they're not necessarily doing it to you. They're just where they are and they can't get to where you're at yet because it's not time. That's much different than abuse.

Speaker 1 21:18

I agree.

Speaker 2 21:18

So you want to make sure you check in with that, because we're not saying by any means and I am not saying by any means, stay in a relationship that is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive by any means.

Speaker 1 21:33

Right, there's a huge difference between gaslighting and and bring it and ringing bells. There's a huge difference between gaslighting and emotional abuse and negative, constant negative comments, and there I mean and the energy behind all of them are much is much different.

Speaker 2 21:48

Right.

Speaker 1 21:49

And that's where you know where I was going to go with this is is having the humility to understand and that's the key to, I think, to relationships to understand that, no matter what part you're playing in that relationship, you must stay humble in it and be stopped, like this morning. I could have listened to my human and got angry, but instead I was humble enough to say wait a minute, this is not her, this is just a reaction to something that she has Right, because I never, when I brought it up I might.

Speaker 2 22:20

There was no intention behind it to like trigger you or cause any kind of uh yucky emotion within you. I just found it interesting that it was so entangled in so many different topics. I found it very curious and interesting because that's kind of how you and I go about it now. These days is when we find something that we're working on that is interesting, we like to share it. Once we kind of get close to the end of it.

Speaker 2 22:50

Or even if we're still wrapped up in the middle of it and maybe having a bit of a challenge seeing things, we can go to the other person and say listen this is kind of a challenge for me. Can you look into it and see what I'm not letting myself see or what I'm blocking myself from seeing? So that's a couple of different ways we go about it, but I agree with you staying humble. A couple of different ways we go about it, but I agree with you Staying humble and remembering that I didn't bring it up to gouge you.

Speaker 1 23:30

I brought it up to express to you. This interesting thing happened to me and it's so tangled up. You know I think you said it a minute ago, not taking things personal in that kind of scenario- yeah. Staying humble and stopping and looking at it Like I had to say to myself, like, okay, this is not her, she's not personally attacking me for saying it.

Speaker 1 23:44

She is just identifying it out loud, because it's hard when you love somebody to think for a moment, oh I caused this, and it's a tough human thing, right, and that can cause emotions, especially if somebody is really working on awakening and going through the processes and working through things, and this kind of scenario happens a lot. It can be difficult for that other person. Yeah, and you've got to understand that if you love this person and they love you, first of all, they wouldn't even be talking to you about it if they didn't love you and, second of all, you've even be talking to you about it. They didn't love you. And, second of all, you gotta understand the intentions behind it. Um, anything that happens like, like it could. She could have barely very easily not seen my true intentions behind that comment and taking it as if I am telling her I'm sneaking or being sneaky, or right, whatever.

Speaker 2 24:33

Yeah, I could have twisted it up and monkey minds will do that. Monkey minds will do that.

Speaker 1 24:36

Monkey minds will do that in a heartbeat, 100%. And you know, because I know my intentions behind everything and I know everything I do and I'm confident enough within that feeling that I could. In that scenario, I stopped and said, okay, this is not where I'm going to go with this, and I spanked my monkey and I sent him off to the corner.

Speaker 2 24:55

Yeah, that's a perfect example of how you made a choice in your reality that you were at that bifurcation. There's that word.

Speaker 1 25:04

There's that word again.

Speaker 2 25:05

You were at that bifurcation in moment in time and you could have very well made a choice to go down the other road.

Speaker 1 25:12

I could have.

Speaker 2 25:13

Yeah, and that's where a lot of people mess up, as they do make that choice Right, taking it personal, defensive brought about the frustration which builds to the anger and then it starts out a all out like civil war over this thing. You could have very well gone that direction.

Speaker 1 25:33

Yeah, you know, especially being the man, people do especially being the man in the relationship which this is a part of a topic, and it exposed me in the shower when I was calming down through all of that and working through the monkey mind stuff was, you know part of my book that I'm writing the evolution of masculinity is the fact, because I am the man in the relationship I do not like hurting anybody in my life.

Speaker 1 25:55

I want to provide and protect and and be that stoic individual that is perfect. And we, we can't anymore. We as men, we can't take those kinds of things personally, because there are way too many awakened individuals, way too many identified impasse, way too many things that confuse the masculinity within a man's life of what he should be protecting and providing for. And part of the protection is re-identifying and defining that scenario exactly differently. And understanding that my job in this is helping to protect you and provide for you is to give you this part of the script that's written the way it's supposed to be.

Speaker 2 26:42

Yeah, and on a more rabbit hole topic, just to briefly touch on it, the we're all transcending into a parallel reality where earth, the collective, everybody is embracing the blending of the masculine, feminine energy. Anyway, yeah we're coming away from uh, that the masculine caveman mentality and the June Cleaver don't work. Stay at home, take care of the kids.

Speaker 1 27:22

Wear your checkered apron all day.

Speaker 2 27:23

Right, we're coming away from that where the separation by gender and the expectation by gender is dissolving into a more non-gender blended asexual, asexual energy well, not necessarily asexual but a blending, of embracing and encompassing both energies within one individual. Yes, so humanly we're getting to a place where the female will experience masculine aspects along with the female aspects, because that brings about balance of that energy. That's correct, the male will begin to embrace and experience more female energy with.

Speaker 1 28:20

What They'll do what.

Speaker 2 28:24

Along with the masculine energy, in an effort to kind of come out of that pendulum and bring about the balance ability of masculine, femuline, femuline femuline, femuline.

Speaker 1 28:39

You know, when you said that I was trying to register, it was funny because you just paused and looked at me, Cause I was like what is femuline? I was like, wait a minute.

Speaker 2 28:49

It's a new word. We're going to give it a definition. I just don't know what it is yet.

Speaker 1 28:53

Is that in line with feminism? Maybe, I don't know.

Understanding Emotional Responses and Intentions

Speaker 2 28:57

I'll think of a definition. Anyway, it's part of the whole big picture of things in the multiverse of coming to that evolved place of balancing out the previous perspectives of men do this, females do this, and we're coming to a place where that's just blending together and uniting together as a true yin and yang, so to speak, that lives within all of this and coming to a place where it's okay on many, many levels for the man to paint his toenails and the female to grow chin hair.

Speaker 1 29:42

I do paint my toenails, by the way.

Speaker 2 29:45

On a pinpointed kind of example, like getting to that place where it just doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 29:51

You know that's the true nature of the book that I'm writing, and you know we're kind of off topic right now. But I want to say one thing and make sure that everybody understands a couple of things. A is the reason why this book has came to my fruition is because I've had a loss in testosterone. And in the medical world they tell you oh yeah, as men get older and age, their testosterone drops, they, they, their belly gets bigger, they start storing estrogen and yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, bull crap, anyway.

Speaker 1 30:19

So if this is happening to the majority of men in the world, what is it that we're not embracing? What is it that we're not learning? What is it that we're not understanding? Like, for example, I do not have a big stomach, but my estrogen level is elevated, according to the doctors, and my masculine level is not out of parameters by the textbook. It's just about, it's just lower than than it was back in, you know, 10 years ago, and and and they preach to you everybody that these numbers drop as you age. And I'm here to tell you that that is not true. I think it's more about once you embrace, because I have noticed, since I have been doing the studies and doing some things on this stuff, releasing a bunch of stuff on it and getting ready to write this, going through the writing of this book.

Speaker 2 31:04

Yeah.

Speaker 1 31:05

My stomach has gotten smaller, my waist has gotten smaller, I've had to tighten up my belt, and so the bull crap about your estrogen going up and you gaining weight completely false in my book.

Speaker 2 31:16

Well, and you know me, I am always from the perspective that if what they're telling you is as accurate as they proclaim it to be, then everyone would be experiencing the symptoms, right?

Speaker 1 31:31

You know, when I first did this, I had gained 20 something pounds and it had to do. We found out later it had nothing to do with any of this stuff. It was something else that was going on.

Speaker 2 31:40

Right.

Speaker 1 31:42

But once I identified all of it, I'm right back down to 208. I mean, I'm right where I'm comfortable at I'm at my fighting weight.

Speaker 2 31:49

Yeah, so it's you know. Once again, we go full circle in that the power of your mind.

Speaker 1 31:58

Yes.

Speaker 2 31:58

If you believe it, you can manifest it right up into your reality, and so, getting very clear about what you want to believe and what you will accept when you hear things and decide to take them on as belief, do your homework, including what we are sharing on our podcast.

Speaker 1 32:21

Yeah, totally.

Speaker 2 32:22

Do your own homework and figure out. Does it work for me? Is it something that I want to embrace and plant the seed on? Does it fit me? Because we're individuals and we are as different as each and every fingerprint.

Speaker 1 32:36

I totally agree. So, going back to our topic of the day. Is you know, with this conversation?

Speaker 2 32:41

this morning what was?

Speaker 1 32:43

the topic.

Speaker 2 32:45

You usually give it a title.

Speaker 1 32:48

Well, I don't really have a topic. I don't have a name of this one. I didn't think of a name.

Speaker 2 32:52

Normally you give it a name.

Speaker 1 32:54

You know, now I'm going to think about it. I didn't think. Normally you give it a name. You know, I have to know. Now I'm going to think about it. But the part of the all of that going back to it is understanding the intentions behind it, like her intentions of her telling me about that this morning had nothing to do with trying to make me feel bad for saying it, and because most people have a tendency to take it. Well, why are you blaming it on me?

Speaker 1 33:16

Right because most people have a tendency to take it. Well, why are you blaming it on me? Right, and that's what your monkey mind will tell you instantaneously, if you don't have your guard up.

Speaker 2 33:23

Yeah Well, it's not about having your guard up. Yeah, it's about having a little bit different perspective, right? Not being in that woe is me victim template and and and understanding that if I am offended by something somebody did or said, then it is a me problem right, I agree if you are offended by something I said or somebody said, it's not it, it's not their problem, it is your problem, 100% of the time.

Speaker 1 33:59

Totally agree.

Speaker 2 34:04

And it's something that you need to document and then go into your private space and look at, because you'll find out 99.99999999999% of the time, if not 100% of the time, they had no ill intention.

Speaker 1 34:21

Did you think I was giving you a signal Towards?

Speaker 2 34:23

you, no, I was just trying to decide how I wanted to word it.

Speaker 1 34:26

And that's really the understanding of it is we as humans have a tendency way too much to snap, respond emotionally.

Navigating Healthy Communication in Relationships

Speaker 1 34:35

Yeah way too much to snap respond emotionally, yeah, and instead of those, because emotional snap responses are generally your monkey mind and you're overlooking you're, you're taking the verbs or the words that just came at you, the verbology of something that was just said, and even if the energy behind it is off, then we'd have a tendency to snap respond, which in turn causes arguments. And it's emotional response. And our emotional guidance system tells us that this emotional response is not right, because your guidance system not only tells you when you're heading in the wrong direction, it tells you when you're heading the right direction. And if you can stop and say wait a minute, then your emotional guidance system, your emotion behind it, quickly dissipated.

Speaker 2 35:22

Yeah.

Speaker 1 35:23

And being able to understand that the intention behind it wasn't a negative attack. It was a just an exposure of thoughts which is you could be created as a habit, if you do it right, which will improve everybody's relationship.

Speaker 2 35:39

Of course, of course, but also, you know, like our interaction with this statement, it was obviously time for you to look at whatever came up for you when I brought it up, when I did.

Speaker 1 35:55

Right.

Speaker 2 35:55

And so it could be a shared mission.

Speaker 1 35:59

Yeah, totally it could be a shared mission. I agree. Within the two realities yeah, we co-create reality together, of course.

Speaker 2 36:05

I mean, you're a character in my reality play and I'm a character in your reality play. So the beautiful, cool thing about it is that you stepped up, said your lines triggered what it was time to trigger inside of me so that I could look at it and release that baggage. But then, whenever I decided to finally share what I had been working on and going through with you at that moment it did the same kind of concept for you, just in a different direction, and it brought things up for you that it was time for you to look at and bring up. And I'm bringing this up for this point and I'll get there. That could have gone in a direction where it was a blame game. Right, well, if you hadn't have said that, then I wouldn't have said this.

Speaker 2 36:55

And then back and forth, back and forth, and then in ensues an argument where then you're not speaking, and all of that instead of being able to look at it and say, okay, you know what, like you said this morning, she didn't share that to stab at me, right, and me being able to look at that when you said that the other morning and say he didn't share that to stab at me. It's just that he did his part in helping bring up something that's ready to come up. And then this morning, when I mentioned it, you being able to stop and say, okay, she just mentioned it because there's obviously something that's ready to come up for me.

Speaker 2 37:36

That's what, what we believe is the healthiest way yeah in a relationship to handle those kinds of situations and circumstances. And that's a lot of times what we mean by positive, healthy communication, right and not going down that path of down that path of victim, bitter arguing, blaming kind of thing being truly, truly accountable for your part in it and knowing that it's being done for you, not against you.

Speaker 1 38:12

You see, I think that's another good topic to push out there for relationships, and that is to make sure that everybody understands it's okay to, because society let me back up a little bit Society teaches us that if we don't engage into the conversation, we don't care. That's how society teaches people Like this. You know, her brought this up. She brought this up this morning and I sat there and ran through my Rolodex of videos and trying to figure out when I said this, how I said it and for the life of me I couldn't recall it, even saying it and but it caused this thing to where I felt like I had. I was going to have to say something, I needed to do something. I went in this frantic mode, the monkey mind controlling things, and then I stopped and said wait a minute. Just because I don't engage don't mean I don't care.

Speaker 2 39:02

Exactly, and so I'll share on my side of things, because that's a very, very good example. When I brought this up, all he said was is wow, that's interesting. I don't really even remember saying it. I could have very well taken that as okay.

Speaker 1 39:22

he just doesn't even give a shit Bastard, he don't care.

Speaker 2 39:24

He doesn't even care. Woe is me. Why did I even say anything? He doesn't give a rat's ass about it.

Speaker 1 39:31

Right.

Speaker 2 39:33

And that's where we've been taught to kind of go with it on that is that if we don't get a response that is a programmed, expected response, then we automatically log it or categorize it as some negative nonsense right and when we can't read, like in that scenario, when you can't recall something.

Speaker 1 39:56

People have a tendency because we've been taught if you don't engage, that you don't care, that they will pull crap out of their butt and try to push the blame out of the direction. That's what. That's exactly what people do they? They get offended by something or they take something in the wrong way. And when they can't recall it, like in this area, the scenario this morning I could not, even for the life of me, tell you when that was even said Right and most people would have said, oh yeah, well, you said this.

Speaker 2 40:26

Right, you start digging around in that proverbial garbage can of historical bullshit that you logged as bad as somebody did, that's right and you throw it back at them.

Speaker 1 40:36

Oh, you can't remember that. Well, here here's some more of that did and you throw it back at them. Oh, you can't remember that.

Speaker 2 40:40

Well, here, here's some more of that right and it could be an all-on, all-out war if you're not careful and you choose to go down that direction.

Speaker 1 40:48

I don't know how many times I've heard this phrase said in the last three or four years to to me specifically. I don't know how you and jenny do that, because if we were to do that it would be a fight. You know, like I had one guy we put together this stuff. I don't know how you and Jenny do that, Because if we were to do that it would be a fight. You know, like I had one guy we put together this stuff. I don't remember we put together something and when we got done putting it together it was one of those Ikea things.

Speaker 2 41:08

We being me and James.

Speaker 1 41:10

Yeah, james and I, jenny and I put together this Ikea thing and one of my employees said I don't know how y'all would have done that if my wife and I would have tried that We'd have been fighting the whole time. And because I don't take things and Jenny don't take things as a personal manner, like, we have our places in each thing, jenny. When we put together things, jenny is the navigator, I'm the worker. She reads the instructions, she says this piece, that piece, this, you know, da, da, da, da, da da, and she's working like a little surgical nurse and she's handing me things and I'm putting things together and it happens that way. But when you're in those kind of relationships and you're in that spot, you've got to understand that there's nothing personal about any of it, right?

Speaker 1 41:57

It understand that there's nothing personal about any of it, right, it is not about you, you just played the part in it. That's right, it is, and no matter what they say or do we teach people this all the time. It is okay, if you don't have an answer, to walk away. Yeah, if, if it's sparking something within you, walk away, collect your thoughts.

Speaker 2 42:17

Yeah.

Speaker 1 42:18

Or even just say Within, you walk away collect your thoughts, yeah. Or even just say, hey, I can't have this conversation, right now we do it a lot. Yeah, we can't have this conversation right now because it's too emotional.

Speaker 2 42:25

Right, I mean now there's times, while we were learning that that's what works for us, that the whole poking the bear happened and we would poke the bear. Well, why not? Why can't you? Well, well, no, we're going to talk about why don't you understand what I'm saying? Why can't you just hear me we're, we're talking about this. You come back here right now like there was time in our relationship where come here to me oh yeah, just walk away.

Speaker 2 42:52

That's the easy way out. Where we had to learn, know, it's not like you get a manual that says okay, here are the things you follow, page 394. Do this, for this thing. There's not a book, you just got to kind of figure it out.

Speaker 1 43:11

Right, Because when this comes up and the crazy part about it is like all you really hear in the background is you hear this your monkey mind going. She's blaming you for something. It's all your fault, you did it. You did that to her. You're a total ass. And the reality is that all that is is monkey mind and you can't give in to it.

Speaker 2 43:39

It's big fat lies.

Speaker 1 43:40

Remember to always stop for a moment, and this is what I do. I log a memory that I can pull up really quickly, at a happy point where I know Jenny showed me her true intention about me and how much she loves me, and I just recall that memory. And that way, because I know the intentions of our relationship are gracious, they're loving, they're understanding of each other and we allow each other to have growth and expansion, and I know that that is the true nature of our relationship and the true part of our being, and which is why I truly love Dr Jenny at the bottom of my heart, the bottom of my heart, and I would I would take a bullet for her because, no matter what happens or says, or it is done or happens to me, I have that moment that I can just stop and say when, when you can't recall or you can't have a nice thing to say, like they used to say, recall that memory and it'll change your perception completely.

Speaker 2 44:34

Yeah, I think what, just to kind of dive into that a little bit what you're talking about is finding a memory or a modality or mechanism that takes you to that happy place.

Speaker 1 44:49

Yeah.

Speaker 2 44:50

To that feel good place. Yeah, it can be anything About that person about something that you did together. That was joyful.

Speaker 2 44:58

Right something that you did together that was joyful. That way you can go to that moment in time or that memory and find that feel good vibration with that person to remind yourself of the true vibrational intention of the being, not what their human is experiencing at the moment to create their own growth and development or evolution. That's the key. And so finding that beautiful memory that you did with each other or that moment in time where you had that tear-rolling laugh or whatever, are techniques that can very quickly take you from that place of heated conversation on the verge of argument into, very quickly, a feel better place and perspective about that person, to remind you you know what this person does have good intention. I love this person very much and they love me, and whatever they're going through right now is not to hurt me intentionally, and that's the key is finding some sort of tool or technique that takes you back to that vibrational frequency about that person.

Speaker 1 46:16

Right, totally agree.

Speaker 2 46:17

That is away from what their human is experiencing at the moment through that person. Right Totally agree, that is away from what their human is experiencing at the moment through that perspective.

Speaker 1 46:23

And I think the next step of that exactly is to remove all expectations, like like I could, because she told me, yeah, it was like two or three weeks ago. I could be like, well, you're not, you're not done with it yet. Come on, come on, I mean, god, you slow worker, what are you, what are you, dumb, I mean you could really jump into negative comments that that person could take take in a in a wrong way, but that's an expectation that I have, not that she has.

Speaker 2 46:59

And so if I had that, if you, you, projecting your expectations on somebody else is the most, one of the most unhealthiest practices you can do.

Speaker 1 47:01

Right, very, very, very very detrimental, then that's in any relationship anywhere.

Speaker 2 47:05

And it's on any topic really, and especially if it's uncommunicated expectations.

Speaker 1 47:09

There's a difference between boundaries and expectations, and when you have an uncommunicated expectation that you put on somebody, it will cause fights.

Speaker 2 47:16

It will.

Speaker 1 47:17

And it is 100%. It's going to cause dissension, it's going to cause anger and those kind of things, and that's one of the things that Especially if they don't know about it.

Speaker 2 47:26

Right, if it's not communicated, they can't meet the expectation. If they don't even know about it and have the chance to even try or decide if they want to participate in that, and then you walk away disappointed and just adding to the garbage can of crap.

Speaker 1 47:44

Yeah, and all you keep doing is filling it up. And when you realize the intentions and you remove the expectations and if you all are living life as a couple like Jenny and I, we're pretty adventurous. We do new things a lot, we do a lot of stuff. You know we are currently in the. We do new things a lot, we do a lot of stuff. You know we are currently in the. You know, in the middle of planning our traveling for the year. You know we have. We have things that we do constantly and there's not a single day that I can't go by, that I can look at yesterday and say this is a happy memory for me and and cause I do that a lot, I do a lot, I stop and say, okay, what happened yesterday? You know like, I can give you the prime example.

Speaker 2 48:23

Yeah, I think a good game to play that would be helpful and it came from a movie years ago and we kind of just do this now on a. It's kind of just a habit. For us is and I know I do it privately, you do it privately what's the high of the day? What's the low of the day?

Speaker 1 48:44

Yeah.

Speaker 2 48:44

And always just finding this kind of turned into a relationship thing.

Speaker 1 48:50

It kind of did, didn't it?

Speaker 2 48:53

So what I do is I'll, at the end of the day, I'll say I'll log. Well, I really enjoyed this moment in time with him. Tap, tap, tap that in and log that.

Setting Boundaries and Communicating Expectations

Speaker 2 49:09

And what I'm doing that you can't see is I've got my pointer finger tapping right here in between my eyebrows, kind of where my third eye is, and that's what I do to log in those good um feeling, techniques or memories that I want to utilize for later, and I try to find one of those every single day about my partner. Yeah, you know what he did this and I know he did it because he loves me, he cares and he genuinely has goodness for me or for that or for somebody else or whatever, whatever it happens to be, and I and I tap that in and I log it you know, for me, for me it's I identify things that are for me a happy point.

Speaker 1 49:52

it makes me proud. You know like it's very, because jenny can come off a lot of times as abrupt, because she's very assertive in her words and she doesn't filter her words very often towards people. Because people come to her all the time for counseling and well, they come to both of us really for counseling all the time, but Jenny is a lot more assertive in her words.

Speaker 2 50:17

I wouldn't say assertive, I would say matter of fact, okay matter of fact, okay, matter of fact, okay.

Speaker 1 50:22

And people have a tendency sometimes to take it the wrong way until she finishes talking, and so you'll see them go through this gauntlet of energy of you know like, oh well, that's mean. And then by the end of it they're done. They're like, oh, you know what she's right. And I like, oh, you know what she's right. And and I see those moments on a daily basis and it makes me very, very proud that I know and here's the key to all of this I think a lot of it is being the man in the relationship, or the the provider, protector is. I know that I helped in the conditioning of that because when we first got together, you weren't open about talking about all this. And now, look, let's say, open in the way that you would go to every, anybody and everybody and just talk about it openly I find that a very curious perspective, because I was talking to people when we first got together I was talking to people about it and doing counseling and I view you as not being open to having conversations about it.

Speaker 1 51:21

But you know, like yesterday, when you were talking to the one person I won't say anybody's names but you were talking to and I heard the conversation because I was right around the corner. You didn't know I was there, but I was. It makes me very proud and it reminds me of how much and it reminds me of why I love you and how I love you and the purpose that you are in my life, and so I can log those happy memories pretty easily and with me. Not everybody has the same memory that I do, because I can really just replay videos constantly and it's quite lovely to do. I'm very proud of what we do.

Speaker 2 51:58

Anybody can log memory and get in the habit of doing that. It's just a habit. Anybody can do it, but it is a very, very good tool or technique to utilize. I mentioned identifying the highs and the lows. The purpose of identifying the low is giving yourself the contrast, the awareness that, okay, this low moment popped up, write it down and am I ready to look at that so that it doesn't have to be a low right, right, yep it doesn't have to feel so yucky.

Speaker 2 52:34

Why was it the low? And so that will give you food for thought as well.

Speaker 1 52:40

You know, and for me I don't know, that I don't think I log lows, I don't matter of fact, I don't really, because I know it's for me. The lows just go away anyway. It all, it's all an ascension for me. And so I think, you know, going through the process of all of this is just for me identifying that quick video that I can look at.

Speaker 2 53:02

Yeah, when I talk about me identifying the lows, I don't necessarily tap it in or hang on to it as a low moment then it is something definitely that I want to look at so that it doesn't get to be a low.

Speaker 1 53:25

Yes, I agree.

Speaker 2 53:26

I like to look at it and see if I can't morph it into a better feeling place for me.

Speaker 1 53:32

This did turn into a relationship podcast, didn't it?

Speaker 2 53:35

Kind of it did yeah.

Speaker 1 53:36

It's kind of cool, though I'm enjoying the flow of it. Actually, it's kind of it did.

Speaker 2 53:39

yeah, it's kind of cool, though I'm enjoying the flow of it. Actually, yeah, I mean, you know, I mean the thing about it is is we're we're just like everybody else. We have moments where we have junk that comes up and we work through it and, I think, just wanting to be able to share the processes that work for us in case there are bits and pieces that people can try and maybe will work for them.

Speaker 1 54:05

Is really the intention and the goal of us having these conversations. You know the, the. I think the the one of the last parts we should probably talk about is is remember that you have to. You don't control that other person.

Speaker 2 54:22

No, you can only control you.

Speaker 1 54:24

And when you know going back to the expectations, you have to update those memories because when you go through life, what do you mean? Like, for example um, the happy memory that you hang on to is the first day you met, and when you keep trying to go back to that first day and you recreate it, hopefully that is not in anybody's relationship, because there's issues with that.

Speaker 2 54:48

I barely even remember the first day we met.

Speaker 1 54:50

Right, I know, but I'm just telling the people out there not you, I know you don't do that, but I'm saying that it's because that does happen is we have people like? I just talked to somebody yesterday. I don't understand. You know, 10 years ago this person was acting like this. Well, it was 10 years ago.

Speaker 2 55:07

Well, yeah, we change.

Speaker 1 55:09

Let's talk about 10 days ago. Second of the day, so what did this person do 10 days ago that made you feel good, right, 10 years ago? I mean, we change constantly. You can't have an expectation that that person to be the same person. They were 10 years ago, that's right and you have to find that happy part that made you happy in the last couple days.

Speaker 2 55:32

I mean sometimes the best way to go about it would be to find it in every day.

Speaker 1 55:39

Yeah, totally Update.

Speaker 2 55:41

You're right, Update those memories and not have an expectation that that person's supposed to be acting and behaving the same way as they did 10 years ago.

Speaker 1 55:50

No matter who you are, how strong you are, how powerful you are, you do not control the other person ever, absolutely not you cannot, you can't do it. It is the most unhealthiest thing in the world, and when you are trying to control somebody else, it is a problem with you, not with that person. That's right, and that's another thing that I'm working on with.

Speaker 2 56:09

And it will jam you up every single time Because it will spiral you into doing things that are based on a manipulative template power trip control. Like it'll make you just go wonky if you try to control somebody else, and the bad thing about it is you'll walk away every single time disappointed because they're not doing what you expect them to do, because you've falsely lied to yourself and said, oh, I can control this person.

Speaker 1 56:47

Right.

Speaker 2 56:48

Then you end up disappointed every single time 100%. And you'll get trapped in that of okay, if this person behaves this way, then I'm going to feel good.

Speaker 1 56:58

Yeah, instead of finding the feel good within you, which is what it's an uncommunicated expectation.

Speaker 2 57:04

Yeah, I mean finding the feel good within you and working on you and getting yourself to a place where eh, okay, so they are going through their moment. You're going to love them in spite of it and stand back and let them do their thing.

Speaker 1 57:21

Yeah, it's crazy, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 57:23

And move on and not take it personal.

Speaker 1 57:26

Because I had somebody I was working with one time that had so many uncommunicated expectations that they actually had that family app where they could track their phones of the two adult children, the wife and the sister of the wife.

Speaker 2 57:45

Wow.

Speaker 1 57:46

And you're like, when I was having this conversation with this person, I was like do you realize how crazy that is? And but anyway, so it can go that far and we can't let ourselves go that far.

Speaker 2 57:59

But it's not beneficial, it's not healthy.

Speaker 1 58:01

It's completely unhealthy.

Speaker 2 58:02

It's got to feel awful yeah.

Speaker 1 58:04

I mean, that's what I said. Have you created your world so much that you can't trust anybody in your life?

Speaker 2 58:09

Well, it's not that you're not trusting, it's just what are you trusting in? You're trusting in the chaos and in the you're just creating more. Yeah, it's insanity.

Speaker 1 58:18

And so, speaking to that, I did want to finish up with one thing. We talked about boundaries and communicated expectations, and I want to make sure people understand that when you communicate an expectation, it is the other person's option to to to participate in that expectation, because then, when, if they make a choice to participate in that expectation, it becomes a communicated boundary. Make sense? I think it does.

Speaker 2 58:46

Yeah, but also if they choose not to participate in it you have to let them have that choice and not get some tangled up frustrated, angry emotion about it, because they have the right to not participate or to participate. One hundred percent, and then you have a choice as to what your next step or action is within it.

Speaker 1 59:12

Yep, you know, because generally when two people love one another, they're going to communicate every expectation. And if we just practice it more and then everybody gets on the same page and life gets much easier.

Speaker 2 59:25

So, anyway.

Speaker 1 59:26

Well, I feel pretty good, that was a good podcast.

Speaker 2 59:30

It kind of went in a weird direction. It did.

Speaker 1 59:32

We're going to have to continue this relationship. Maybe, maybe, we will Maybe we will, maybe we won't, I don't know, we'll see. But how do you feel? You feel complete? Yeah, alright, I feel complete. Hey, willa, we appreciate everybody listening, and you know that listen everybody has a duty here.

Speaker 2 59:50

A duty. A duty, you have to go duty. I hope it doesn't stink.

Speaker 1 59:53

Your duty is to like, follow and share this and hit the bell for the notifications when new podcasts are uploaded. Check us out on Facebook. We're on X. We're on Instagram.

Speaker 2 1:00:10

What's X?

Speaker 1 1:00:12

It used to be called something else, I can't remember.

Speaker 2 1:00:14

MySpace.

Speaker 1 1:00:16

Maybe I don't know, anyway, or you can look at our website, wwwthemerccentersorg, and that's M-E-R-C-C-E-N-T-E-R-S, and that's also our social media is at the Merck Centers, and so look us up, and if you've got any questions, don't hesitate to give us a call on our facebook page.

Speaker 2 1:00:43

Is our contact information? Yeah, or?

Speaker 1 1:00:44

leave a comment. Leave a comment topic you want to explore yep, now's the time to get in, because it's gonna blow up we got.

Speaker 2 1:00:51

We got rabbit hole sessions ready and waiting. Yeah, we got. We got carrot sandwiches made.

Speaker 1 1:00:58

Well, we appreciate y'all listening and we'll catch you on the flip side. Have an awesome day.

Speaker 2 1:01:03

Love you.

Speaker 1 1:01:05

We'll see you next time.