The Spiritual Grind
The Spiritual Grind is a candid, down-to-earth podcast hosted by Dr. Jenni Emery, PhD, RN, CHLC, CH, and Rev. James Emery, MHSB, exploring personal growth, mindset, belief systems, leadership, and real-world transformation.
Drawing from decades of study, lived experience, and practical application, Jenni and James bridge the gap between spirituality, psychology, business, and everyday life. Their conversations move beyond theory, offering honest insight into how beliefs are formed, how patterns repeat, and how intentional awareness can create lasting change.
Rather than promoting labels, dogma, or shortcuts, The Spiritual Grind focuses on clarity, responsibility, and personal agency—meeting listeners exactly where they are and giving them tools to move forward with confidence, depth, and authenticity.
Each episode blends thoughtful dialogue, real stories, and grounded perspective designed to support growth in both personal and professional life—without hype, pressure, or pretense.
Our Website is https://themerccenters.org
The Spiritual Grind
Your Partner Changed Again? That's Actually Great News!
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What happens after you've found someone who checks all your boxes? In this illuminating continuation of our relationship series, we explore how to create a solid foundation that sets you up for long-term relationship success.
Breaking through society's flawed messaging about relationships, we examine the critical understanding that even in the closest partnerships, you remain separate individuals with unique histories, beliefs, and desires. This recognition forms the bedrock of healthy relationship dynamics and creates space for genuine connection.
We dive deep into the importance of clear communication about boundaries and expectations. Rather than assuming your partner knows what you need or want, we explore how explicitly communicating these elements gives both people the opportunity to honestly assess whether they can honor, provide, or agree to what's being asked. This transparent exchange allows for authentic relationship development without hidden expectations or unspoken demands.
Perhaps most importantly, we discuss embracing the inevitable reality of change. People evolve constantly through their experiences, processing beliefs and patterns throughout their journey. When you understand that the person you met initially will naturally change over time, you can welcome this evolution rather than resist it. This perspective transforms what might otherwise be seen as threatening shifts into opportunities for growth both individually and as partners.
Through practical examples from our own relationship, we demonstrate how working through layers of healing, avoiding assumptions, and maintaining open communication creates a relationship environment that supports genuine connection. Whether you're just beginning a relationship or have been together for years, these principles offer a pathway to deeper understanding and more fulfilling partnership.
Thank you for listening to The Spiritual Grind.
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Learn more about Dr. Jenni Emery, upcoming projects, and resources at:
https://themerccenters.org
Welcome back to the Spiritual Grind. Good morning, Dr Jeannie. Good morning. Wow, we got five days. We got five days.
Speaker 2It's the final countdown.
Speaker 1Margaritaville Sea. We going down to the Mexico area.
Speaker 2Don't tell everybody where we're at. I don't want them to follow us.
Speaker 1Oh, the paparazzi. They might send the paparazzi down there the paparazzi, you know. I hear that they're offering big money for our photographs.
Speaker 2For us to stop taking pictures.
Speaker 1You know how they put them headhunters out there on the celebrities.
Speaker 2We'll give you lots of money if you'll stop taking pictures, please.
Speaker 1But it's funny. Well, we hope you're enjoying the podcast. We're having a good time doing it. You know we've been running the relationship series and in the relationship series, you know, we first talked about historical events and modifying your picker and then, in step two, we went to, you know, shopping for the best person. You know. Basically, go and shop in, Go and shop in. For those things that match you.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1It's been.
Speaker 2So where are you going to take us today?
Speaker 1Well, we're going to talk about King James, setting the original, setting yourself up for success, basically for a relationship. I think that's the next step of the relationship series. Okay, setting yourself up for success, you know we're going to be. You know, because in the previous podcast about this is you know, we we've we corrected our picker by looking at, you know, the stuff that we owned within our previous relationships, modifying the picker process. Yeah, and then we went to go and shop and review and historical events and beliefs, clearing negative stuff on old relationships.
Speaker 2And then you know, and giving yourself permission to define exactly what you're looking for, based on having experienced the contrast that's what that means, I agree of that person based on your experiencing what you want and what you don't want throughout your life journey, and giving yourself permission to do that actually because you deserve it and you're worthy of it, without any like inhibitions of oh, I would really like to have this, but I can't.
Speaker 2For whatever reason pops up Right, I don't deserve it, or I'm not pretty enough to have this one that looks like this.
Speaker 1Yeah, I actually have that. I'm not intelligent enough. I took good notes experiencing contrast. You see, I took good notes, so that's what that meant in that podcast. I took good notes, so that's what that meant in that podcast is just creating that individual from a place of maybe no beliefs.
Setting Yourself Up for Success
Speaker 2if you could even get to that place and really just doing a big whopping dayd, part of the process is creating it and then letting it go into the universe without any expectation or insistence that it has to be exactly the way you put it on the paper Give spirit, the space to create it and bring it to you when you're aligned with it and adding additional characteristics that you may not even realize that you were ready for.
Speaker 1Pardon me, that's just my adjuster fixing things.
Speaker 2Yeah, because then that's how we experience those just really what we consider ostentatious or serendipital or miraculous experiences that are over and above anything that we could have fathomed. Agreed. That's how you experience those things, by letting go of the insistence that it must look the way I wrote it on the paper. And if it doesn't, then oh my God, I did something wrong. I didn't get the spell or the potion right.
Speaker 1Oh my God, I'm so wrong. I didn't take the love potion, number nine, I took number eight.
Speaker 2Number Not enough. Eye of newt.
Speaker 1Not enough? Eye of newt, stick your finger in the pot and stir it.
Speaker 2Oh no, my potion turned red instead of purple.
Speaker 1Oh no, my potion turned red instead of purple. Oh no, so this set the scene. So now we have looked at ourselves, we have fixed the historical events, we have now adjusted our picker and given the timeline and the adjustments out there to the higher self, or your God, or whoever that is. And now guess what? What?
Speaker 2Here's the perfect person, right in front of you Drum roll, whoever that is, and now guess what?
Speaker 1Why? Here's the perfect person right in front of you. Drum roll, wow, it's the perfect one. We've been waiting for it. And then in comes Prince Charming or Princess Awesome, sorry.
Speaker 1And so now I think the where we go with this is making sure that everybody understands one thing a society has taught us that being in relationship is two people merging their lives together and and it when being copacetic, is one. And that is true to a point. Okay, because everybody is individual still, even when you are with somebody you know wholeheartedly married, whatever that is dating, living together, however that works, is everybody, everybody's still an individual, and they all have their, their own history, their own beliefs, their own higher self, guidance or God, or whatever you call it Desires. I have many different things and that each one of you have as individuals, and, I think, understanding that, first of all, that society has taught us this it's got to look like this you know, a married couple or a couple is two lives joined together and they're supposed to accept everything that comes their way or modify everything based on the other person. To accept everything that comes their way or modify everything based on the other person, and that relationships are more about.
Speaker 1I have made this person for myself. This person is now in my reality, so I know, as you go down the checklist, it's checking off the parameters. All the parameters are there. Now we're going to step into. What do we do next to set the foundation of a good relationship? Okay, what is it? I would say to start off is you have to really make sure and communicate clearly the acceptable and unacceptable things that can happen in your reality, not in your together reality, aka they call it setting boundaries. I think you know clear communication up front about boundaries and expectations have to be communicated.
Speaker 2I would agree. The other person needs to know, kind of, where you stand.
Speaker 1Where's your head?
Speaker 2at On the key components of said relationship.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2In order for it to be a fair shot at this and to be a win-win situation we haven't mastered the skill of reading each other's energy and mind on a consistent basis, and so expecting your partner to be able to read your mind and know exactly what you need or want in any given moment.
Speaker 1Or likes or dislikes or any of that.
Speaker 2Right, it is not really the best way to go about it, honestly.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2You've got to use your words and you've got to communicate that so that they know whether or not you know it does. It does a couple of things. It lets them know where you're at and then they get to look at those that information and say, okay, is this something I can honor? Is this something that I can provide? Is this something I can do? Is this something I can honor? Is this something that I can provide? Is this something I can do? Is this something I can agree to do?
Speaker 1Am I willing to do.
Speaker 2Am I right? Is this something I want to do? Does this, you know, align with my highest enjoyment, my highest excitement?
Speaker 1And that goes both directions, but both parties.
Speaker 2That's right.
Speaker 1Because I think it gives a beautiful opportunity to truly assess a relationship. So when you know, like for us in the beginning, we had that one time that we just stood in that apartment and we dumped all our baggage out there in front of everybody, each other, in front of the whole world Sometimes it was laughing, sometimes it was anger, it was yelling, but we went through all the process. We went through the whole world. Sometimes it was laughing, sometimes it was anger, it was yelling, but we went through all the process. We went through the entire process and I remember you looking at me and said so you're, you're getting rid of me.
Speaker 2Now yeah, I mean, that's what worked for you and I was just kind of dumped the whole garbage can out and say in a snapshot here's what I've gone through, here's where I'm at. Where do you, how do you want to move forward? Cause, you know say open to the fact that I think the key for me on my side of the fence was being okay If you came back and said Hmm, there's a lot in there that I can't really deal with right now.
Speaker 1Yeah.
The Importance of Clear Communication
Speaker 2Or being okay with Hmm, there's. There's a lot there, but I'm willing to try.
Speaker 1It still sparks my curiosity, or whatever. I'm willing to try. Yeah, because the key is go ahead.
Speaker 2The key is is that I think I want to add this in there.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 2Because this is one of the key things that you and I still do is remembering that we change.
Speaker 1Oh yeah.
Speaker 2Every millisecond of the day through your garbage with you and be okay with it going into it, knowing that by doing so it may bring stuff up.
Speaker 1for me that's unpleasant or uncomfortable, and it may bring stuff up for you that's unpleasant and uncomfortable.
Speaker 2Still being okay, that if it's time to go, it's time to go, if it's time to stay, it's time to go, if it's time to stay, it's time to stay, and the other person being open to that same premise. You know, we both came into our relationship fully functioning individuals.
Speaker 1Oh yeah.
Speaker 2You didn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is I didn't bring you into my reality because I needed you. Right, I brought you in my reality because I wanted to experience what you had to offer.
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2And you the same. We came in as whole beings and I didn't need you to come in and pay my bills or raise my children or, you know, be an emotional support.
Speaker 1We came in saying okay, we're going to take this right now, at a time, we're going to be in the moment and whatever it brings about, we'll make different decisions new decisions and we communicate that all along the way and we have for the years that we've been together, whatever that number is you know and here's the other part of that, of that same thing when you do sit down, you know, say, for example, you've been on, you've been out on seven or eight dates and you're you're liking the person you're dating and they're liking you, and you and you're both at dinner one night and you look at each other and say, is it time to take this to the next level? And then you sit down and have that talk.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And I think where society has taught a lot of things is to look at things in a way of is it okay for me, a to accept this thing and, b can I fix this person? And we can't get caught up in that mix, because that communication back and forth between those two people is not about what they want you to fix.
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 1It's about acceptance of the subject, not fixing the subject. Now you can be supportive through it, because the reality is is you can't fix anybody else and I can't. You can't fix me and I can't fix you.
Speaker 2Right, we can talk through it, this space to have the experience.
Speaker 1No matter what the emotion is or whatever. And it's part of a healthy relationship. I understand that you can't fix my baggage. You cannot fix it Now do we discuss it a lot and your input is taken 100% of the time because you are my person.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And so when there's something that's in my reality I'm kind of struggling with, I will talk about.
Speaker 2Yeah, same.
Speaker 1And but I go into that with the knowing is this is about me becoming a better person for the relationship, not about that person fixing me for the relationship.
Speaker 2Well, and becoming a better person, person not only for the relationship, but for yourself, for myself in in a balanced way, and that's the that's one of the main things.
Speaker 1I think that we, where people take relationships and they run them off in the ditch, is well, I've got this, you know, I've been cheated on, and they go through this entire punch list of the negative stuff and the other person thinks that's acceptable, but they're not thinking through the process completely of saying how do you by?
Speaker 1saying, listen, okay, so this person was cheated on three or four times, or or, um, they had to pay all the bills because their other person didn't work, you know, and okay, so they had to pay all the bills. That means that they're going every little thing that changes my finances they're going to be very sensitive to possibly they right, they don't think through the process and don't continue the conversation.
Speaker 1So when we, when we have a subject that comes up, like you and I, we will just keep talking about it. It may not be all at once, it may not be across three or four months but, we do continue the conversation until the subject is tabled completely and we have both cleared with it.
Speaker 2And how do you know if the subject is tabled, so to speak?
Speaker 1Well, I think, when it all comes up to the head, we discuss it in a true, honest, open manner.
Speaker 2Does your emotional guidance play a role in that oh, I think so totally that's kind of where I was trying to take you but, I can't lead a horse to water, honestly I can't read your mind.
Speaker 1Remember we just had this discussion.
Speaker 1I was doing it for the benefit of the readers or the listeners um, but you know, I think that's where a lot of the relationships get off on the wrong path. First of all, you actually brought up a very good point where I was going next with it. They've decided they're going to take it to the next level and now they're going to talk through the situation and set up boundaries and set up boundaries, and the problem that you have to be aware of is your emotional guidance system is there to help you through your processes and stuff, but don't get stuck on the love.
Speaker 2What does that mean?
Speaker 1Like you'll climb up the ladder and then you'll quit, allowing yourself to become blinded to the emotional movement, like I love this person and I accept all that because I love you, not because they haven't thought through it or you know, even get bothered by it. It's okay to have emotions.
Speaker 2I'm not following.
Speaker 1So, like I see this all the time, I love this person. They keep cheating on me or they keep going and blowing all our rent money, but yet I love them and I keep letting them back into my reality. And it's the same thing in the beginning of the negotiations. You can't be blinded by love to the obvious. That's because you love somebody Doesn't mean that you can't work through the processes of the emotions.
Speaker 2This is I mean. I agree somewhat.
Speaker 1Okay.
Understanding Change and Acceptance
Speaker 2I agree. Thing that would be a little bit different is if, if this is the theme that you chose to experience and have more to learn from it, then that is the kind of experience that you're going to have well, I agree, you mean like a contractual thing, like on a contractual thing, that you're going to have one more go at it to elevate yourself past certain beliefs or patterns or programs, or that's just the theme that you chose to experience. Maybe your whole life. Who knows? Only you know.
Speaker 1And I think in that scenario you're totally right there could be contractual stuff there could be Totally agree For sure, because there's I mean there's things in our reality. That's an obvious contractual thing.
Speaker 2Obviously.
Speaker 1And the part of it. I mean I think what has to be aware I mean be made aware is when you're talking through these things and realizing that, hey, this person is really in my category and within my realm. But when you sit down to have that conversation, understand that it's okay to stay and it's okay to go.
Speaker 2Right, that's the key thing is.
Speaker 1It's balance.
Speaker 2Yeah, the key thing is it's balance, yeah, and and being open. When, when, when you get to that place where it's okay to stay or okay to go, I feel like I want to have this conversation only I mean even just for my own benefit when it's okay to stay and it's okay to go, that means in all facets of it. If I am experiencing the relationship in a manner that is not exactly how I want to experience it anymore, if I am afraid that my reality will change to a more uncomfortable place or with a more uncomfortable person, then I will keep myself locked into the relationship that I'm in, allowing the things to go on that I don't really care for. If I am afraid of allowing the change to happen because I have this belief in place that it's going to be more uncomfortable to experience, that, I have no idea that that's what I'm going to experience. I have no idea that it's not going to be a blissful, pleasant exchange when I allow the change to happen.
Speaker 2I don't know that either way. Allow the change to happen. I don't know that either way. But I've created a story in my head based on past experiences that, okay, whenever I was in this relationship, there were parts of it that I did enjoy immensely, but it came to a place where I no longer enjoyed this or this about that person and they weren't at a place where they were able to or willing to do anything different to facilitate an experience that I wanted to have went through, experience of being alone again, being missing the parts of that, of that relationship that I no longer had, and those were not altogether pleasant yeah and not fun.
Speaker 2Breakup is not ever fun, right right so if you're in a relationship and there are parts and pieces about it that you do enjoy, but there are parts and pieces that you would really like to be different, if you are still in fear of okay, well, if I break up with this person and I allow it to be okay to go, I'm going to have to experience that emotional situation of breaking up with the person. And so, therefore, that little piece, that little sliver of thought will keep you in a relationship that, potentially, you may not supposed to be in anymore, but it certainly keeps you from being able to morph that very relationship into something more enjoyable, because it keeps your perspective locked in on the fear of having to experience something unpleasant because you had a past experience that way. That's what I mean by coming out of your relationships educated and not damaged. And not damaged Because the fear will hang you up and it will hold you in a place of not even trying to decide. How many times do I need to say that before?
Speaker 2I get it clear. That's me pausing while my higher self gets it all together. Even if the relationship that you're in is trying to morph into a higher vibrational experience, if you're not okay with that person changing because of the fears that they change might bring about them going away, then you're not even giving them the space to become a new and improved them and you're not giving yourself the space to experience the new and improved them because you're locked up in. The change equals a whole different person with a whole different face and a whole different personality, with a whole different face and a whole different personality. And you're trapped in that concept and the fear of loss of this person. It'll tangle you up if you're not careful, because change could mean that the person you're with is willing to and has graduated to that next energetic or frequency level of them, making the changes within them. That affords you the opportunity to experience a relationship on the next level.
Speaker 1I totally agree. I mean, you know, the change is part of a relationship.
Speaker 2Everybody changes in every relationship dating, not dating, friendship, work, mother, daughter father, son, I would say change is the only consistent thing, would you agree?
Speaker 1I agree because that's what we do. It's constant, that's what we do as human beings.
Speaker 1We change, evolve, we get better, we experience things. That's what we do, and trying to force things or taking you take in your own baggage and turning it into an uncommunicated expectation or an, a, an assumption towards the other person is is not a healthy way to go about it. And so the communication in the beginning of all of it is very clear and concise and open and receptive and humble. And and when you, once you get past that point and y'all can both look at each other and say you know what I think I'm in, or you know, or say you know what had some great dates, it's been fun, but I think that's just too much for me. And and that's okay, it's a, it's a balance thing. And when you move forward into say, for example, if they say no, I'm out, that's just too much for me, that's got to be okay. And you can't take it personal towards yourself.
Speaker 2Right, they're just not there yet.
Speaker 1They're just not there yet.
Speaker 2Or maybe it's just not time for you, right? Or maybe you're not there yet yeah and being comfortable being the one to say that you know you've been dating for a minute. You've you kind of like having this person's face in your bubble, but when you have that conversation and everybody dumps their garbage, can maybe you're the one that says that's a lot?
Speaker 2yeah I really just don't want to, and what happens is is that I feel like I'm being mean to this person if I tell them, after having dated them for two or three months, that there's a lot of stuff in your garbage, can that? I'm just not really willing to go through right now. I'm just not there.
Speaker 2I don't want no baby mama drama and so, instead of having that open communication and being honest, you say to yourself, oh, I can change them, or I can change me, or you know what? I'll just stuff it down for myself.
Speaker 2I'll change my boundaries for both you and them, and the relationship will become a very bumpy ride if one or both of you goes in that direction with it. So being very honest in describing and understanding what it is you're willing to or want to experience, even if you're the one that says no, go make sure you do that.
Speaker 1Yeah, I agree. I mean like when you, when you tell me about yourself, I was like man, it's going to be a crazy ride, but I'm okay, that's funny, sorry. And I think the next step of that is to continue that communication, because change will bring things up.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And you know, know evolution changes beliefs and patterns and programs and you know there's all sorts of societal influence on relationships that change and and knowing that you know there could be things that popped up, pops up, you know beliefs that come up or old historical events that you know that create issues. Being open and receptive to that and make sure you understand this too, is just another communication opportunity.
Speaker 2Yeah, I would definitely agree. You know, the one thing you have to remember is that, as we've talked about in previous podcasts, as you clear societal beliefs, personal beliefs, patterns, programs by um, even by way of the help your partner brings, will bring up some of the garbage out of that can that you're ready to eliminate from your experience.
Dealing with Assumptions and Triggers
Speaker 2That makes you a whole new person, a whole different person, and it does the same thing for your partner, and so then you have to go into a re-negotiation and conversation on a very regular basis, because you're both a different set of people and that's why sometimes, if you don't realize that and you don't come to terms with that concept that we change billions of times a second and we're really literally different people all the time, if that person changes and they no longer I don't know like they came in loving chocolate cake and now all of a sudden they don't like chocolate cake If you're not really understanding that change is a natural part of the mechanism, you'll be like you liked it a year ago. What's wrong with you? What's going on? Oh my gosh, danger, danger, danger. You'll misinterpret things Right and that's not a healthy place really to be either, accepting that change happens and that just because this was the truth for you today, tomorrow it may not be the truth. You're a whole, nother person and you're.
Speaker 1You have a whole different history and a whole different future, and you know, and I think one of the big major traps in communication with their that everybody should be aware of is the fact that you work through and talk through an issue and you come out and decide everything's happy and copacetic. You can never assume that that topic is not going to come up again right, because we've talked about things being in layers. Yeah.
Speaker 2And you can always count on there being most of the time with most people. A really deep seated topic is going to have layers.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2And you and your higher self will only take you down through the number of layers on that topic that you can handle at any given moment, and so that's why it does pop up and come back, but as the partner standing by your side while you go through, that is an opportunity for you, as the partner standing by, to practice your patience, your compassion, your understanding, your allowance of that person to experience going through that layer at a time and not take it personal.
Speaker 2Right, because if you start taking things personal then it brings in defensiveness and it brings in irritation and aggravation, impatience, frustration, and that changes the relationship.
Speaker 1Yeah, let me talk about assumption, because we've talked about now a couple of times in this podcast.
Speaker 1And so what I mean by assumption is is either putting yourself into a relationship or pulling yourself out of a relationship.
Speaker 1Putting yourself into a communication or out of a communication because you have assumed what the other person is going to think or say you cannot, don't fall in that trap, don't fall in that black hole, because that's a very deep black hole and so, because you really do not know where, as they change and evolve and these beliefs and stuff comes up, you really do not know where their they change and evolve and these beliefs and stuff comes up, you really do not know where their head is. And until the communication is over, it's cleared and you're happy and you move on. Then, once you, when you start assuming like, oh my gosh, he's going to, he's going to think I'm crazy, I got his, I, I've got to, I'm going to, he's going to think I'm crazy and I don't want him to think that way, so I'm going to remove myself. You're now making a choice with the other person and because you didn't do it for the right because you didn't do it for the right reason.
Speaker 2Well, and because you didn't communicate with your partner.
Speaker 1That you're feeling that way.
Speaker 2That you're feeling that way because your perspective of yourself is. I think I'm crazy. And so he's going to think I'm crazy or she's going to think I'm crazy. So this is a topic I can't talk about with them, because you've automatically created the story that, if you openly communicate about this crazy topic, you view and that comes from not quite understanding it.
Speaker 1Or having a rabbit hole hole topics or having a fear. Yeah, yeah, and because I mean here's an example of that that people do, going about it in that way this happens all the time with people and I guarantee you that when they listen to this, they're going to say oh yeah. When your boss calls you and said, hey, I need to see you in the office, what does your mind do?
Speaker 2oh my god, I'm, I'm in trouble.
Speaker 1It automatically assumes yeah, and then you don't have no idea if that person, if that boss, is calling you in the office to give you the employee of the year award and here's a bonus, here's a week's paid vacation, or it could be that, hey, we messed up here, this is to improve on this, and then we're going to go forward with it. It could be an educational opportunity with you. It could you know it could be an educational opportunity it could be. It could be it could be right.
Speaker 2Not always assumption of what it is so maybe let's go quickly down this, this section of what we do okay, because I mean we? We tell them all the time we're, we're human we're right, right here along with you, um and so, whenever we go into the place of assumption, what are some of the things that we do, what are some of the techniques that we make sure that we do?
Speaker 1oh, you know, like I mean. Well, I do this all the time. I always say are you mad at? Me or are you upset with me? You know, I ask the question because I'm assuming that you are, and what that?
Speaker 2does is. It allows me to stop, it brings it to my awareness. It allows me to stop and ask myself this is what I do on my side. I stop and I say okay, wait a minute. Am I mad at you? And if I am, why Right? And then when I decide that no, you know what, I'm not mad at you, I'm aggravated at myself for feeling the way that I do about this topic again.
Speaker 1Like I mean like that'll be.
Speaker 2You know that'll happen to me a lot, and it's not that I'm mad at you, it's that I'm aggravated at myself for giving myself a little pop quiz and not having passed it with flying colors, you know, and being genuine in it all is very important when it comes to that, like when I ask you um, are you mad at me?
Speaker 1upset? Did I do something that bothered you? Did that bother you?
Working Through Relationship Layers
Speaker 2whatever the question is, I'm doing it from a genuine place of curiosity, because I want to look at what I did in it, or what my part of it is and I think, from the standpoint of the person being asked the question, the next step is being open enough to communicate and not leave that person in the dark, right To assume yes, do what you can to help clear up the assumption, because it's helpful to close down their monkey mind on what they're assuming and then, in the conversation, getting to the place of of saying, uh, listen, I know this is going to sound really crazy, but this is what happened in my mind and this might be what you're picking up on.
Speaker 2This and this and this are what happened and this is what it triggered for me and this is what it brought up. And so I'm processing and working through that belief, because it's not something I want to hang on to anymore. Right, and not saying, no, nothing's wrong with me, I'm not mad at you, and just leaving the conversation there because you again think that they're going to think it's too off the wall or whatever. Really getting to that place of open communication.
Speaker 1Genuine.
Speaker 2And and speaking to your partner about it, because they still can't read your mind right and we go into each situation. I know you and I do.
Speaker 2We go into each situation wanting to help that person in the best way that we can right and if I'm the one who's going into a scenario and I am doing the assuming I I know that you will have conversations of you'll say well, is there anything I can do to help you while you're looking at that belief or while you're rewriting it or clearing it up? And if there are things that would be helpful and there have been at times, at times like you'll say, you know it's helpful whenever you come up and just touch me on the back or whatever every once in a while when I'm going through this particular topic, then I do my best to provide that for you and vice versa.
Speaker 2And so asking the question of what is it that I can do to help, question of what can I do, what is it that I can do to help, and then you get to decide. Is that something? That I can do, yeah, and if it's not, if it's, if it's something that you just truly can't do, being okay to say I understand that that can't join you there but that is not something that I can guarantee you that I can do on a regular basis.
Speaker 1Right, yeah, that's, that's the. Uh. I think that's a true solid basis to get started with. And then now I think, do you feel complete with that subject line? I'm I'm good either way and going forward, I think, on the next step of it. You know we we've talked about setting the initial conversation. Then you know we've talked about setting the initial conversation, then you've got to be open and receptive, genuine, continued conversation.
Speaker 2Now, what happens next? Well, I mean, I would say, you know that's a pretty good setup for a new relationship, agreed when you're starting at ground zero and you really want to get it off to the right momentum in the right direction.
Speaker 1Let me say this.
Speaker 2But what happens when you're already in a relationship Like when.
Speaker 1Anytime I've ever counseled anybody or talked to them about a relationship, I when, if they're talking to me about a relationship, I treat their relationship as if it's brand new, because reality is, every day is a new day, every moment's a new moment, and I don't care if they've been together for a thousand years. If they take it back to the basics throughout their time and and go through the steps that we just been through, I don't care if they've been together a hundred years. You could, you can go through these steps and it will change your relationship or it will identify incompatibility.
Speaker 2Okay, what if that? What if that person is not there yet?
Speaker 1What do you mean?
Speaker 2Well, I mean, if you're already in a relationship an existing relationship and your partner is not awakened and is not embracing these concepts but you are and so they're not a willing participant of communication, or they're not a willing participant to sit down and redefine an existing relationship in that manner, what is this one individual who is kind of going it alone? Where does it put them, and and how do they navigate that when they don't have a partner that's truly willing to explore it and and do it with them? Like what do they do?
Speaker 1Well, I have a choice.
Speaker 2Or is that a whole other podcast?
Speaker 1I think that's a. I really think that's another podcast.
Speaker 2Or that person is awakened, but they're just not there yet.
Speaker 1I think that's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1Because that's a deep one and I think that should be down the road, because right now we're just setting it up. Maybe we can do that okay. Well, all of you that are experiencing that have to wait well then we can touch it, because I don't know the answer to you you have to wait in your misery pool that you've created?
Speaker 2wow, that's, that's, that's negative I was just trying to put a funny spin on it yeah, yeah, I mean, do you want to touch on it?
Speaker 1I don't care, we can do it.
Speaker 2I was just asking what do those people that are in that direction or find themselves in that situation do?
Speaker 1Is there any?
Speaker 2temporary reprieve that you can offer, we can offer to them in that situation.
Speaker 1Well, we preach that you can only control your reality. Right of course, and if it isn't a place to where you're at a crossroads to make a choice, then you have to be open and receptive to that choice, no matter what that is.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And you have to ask yourself what is my part in this relationship, negative and positive, what is their part in this relationship, negative and positive?
Speaker 2And then am I willing to go forth and either A have a serious conversation with this person or, b am I going to accept where it is until things grow, or do I have the ability to maybe change my perspective on the whole situation so that it feels better for me, but I'm still allowing them to experience it at the level where they're at.
Speaker 1Right. I think that falls under the.
Speaker 2Can I look at this differently, to where it gives me a better understanding and still gives them the space to be where they're at, even if the previous me was seeing that it was a little bit uncomfortable for me.
Speaker 1Yeah, you know, because, if I may, can I talk about one of our subjects.
Speaker 2Well, of course, I don't care.
Speaker 1Like. Here's one of the situations that I deal with.
Speaker 2Be careful.
Speaker 1What do you mean?
Speaker 2You might not like what I have to say. I don't care.
Speaker 1No, I'm kidding, I'm not going to fear me out of something. I'm teasing with you. Wow, I'm playing. I was just playing too, and so the part of this that we're dealing with is there's a little bit of entrust from a former belief system within us, within our relationship, that we're talking through and walking through I don't know. I'm trying to share code.
Speaker 2You are, and it's causing you to stumble and trip. It's causing me to stumble, not even get your point across. So either you're going to go all in and you're going to just put it out there.
Handling Personal Baggage Together
Speaker 1My point is there's a little bit of untrust in there, because Dr Jenny has this belief that, because of previous experiences, that one day I will cheat on her or something. And you know, being on this side of the receiving part of it is trying to stay open and receptive to understanding and being patient and not letting it get my goat, so to speak, because I know what I'm doing and I know there's nothing going on and I know I mean, yes, 30 years ago I was that guy, not so much that guy now Because I do not want to be that guy and so it gets brought into the reality and it's a touchy place to be, especially when it comes to infidelity, because I know the stuff that I worked on previously. And so I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you have an experienced relationship, no matter what level of awakening it is, you can still only affect your reality.
Speaker 2And not only that, but it's showing you that things are going to come up in layers. No matter how experienced you are in this, you can still sometimes get tripped up about it, because my experience in this is I had a couple of relationships in my previous life where I was the one cheated on.
Speaker 1And so I brought that baggage into the relationship and needed to go through some experiences of cheating and you had communicated that with me.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, I mean, all of this has been dumped out in the middle of the floor and we knew, going in, that there quite possibly could have things pop up and we would kind of just take it as it went right, I mean it's been on and off a few times throughout the years.
Speaker 2And there's different. You know, as the victim of infidelity, there's things popping up for me still to this day, this many years in, because things do sometimes have to resolve in layers, but me going through those. Well, here's a good example of in layers, but me going through those allows you to trigger your layers that are ready to pop up as well.
Speaker 1Here's a good example of the layers Just last week. Here's the joke I go down here to the convenience store, I'll get me an energy drink or something and I'll come back. And Jenny has created this joke of I'm going down to see my Wawa girlfriend because she works at the.
Speaker 2I go to Wawa Because I don't understand that on the weekends when we go to the grocery store, why you only get four monsters, when you know that on the fourth day you're not going to have any for day number five. And that makes no sense to me. It's highly illogical in my bubble and so my monkey mind because of my past experience and all of this that still is going on with this relationship thing. The way for me to make that feel better for me was to put this little joke in place and make a joke out of it, to kind of like right, that's right.
Speaker 1Go with it. They don't even know what you're talking about I'm trying to give them the okay, I'm trying to give them the story.
Speaker 2Okay, go ahead I was trying to give them the rest of the story okay, to kind of desensitize myself about the topic of. To kind of desensitize myself about the topic of why does he just not buy enough monsters at the grocery store when we go on Saturdays? Because my monkey mind was taking me to the place of. Oh well, that's an excuse that he's using to be able to go see his proverbial little girlfriend that he has on the side. And so for me to quiet the monkey mind, I made a joke of it.
Speaker 2to make it feel better for me, I had to put it kind of in that joking category so that at the time I could feel better about it.
Speaker 1And then this morning we're going to. You know we're going to the cruise. We're going to you know we're going to the crew, we're going on a cruise this weekend. And this morning I said I gotta run to wawa, get me an energy drink and that way I can tell my wawa girlfriend, hey, I want to be out of town for a week. And it rang her bell it did, it zapped me and it wasn't.
Speaker 1I was just trying to make a joke out of it because she joked about it all the time, right, and you know, I and I have gotten to the place to where it's nonsense, and so I just like play along with the joke and taking it more light-hearted, because I know what I'm doing and what I'm not doing and it doesn't bother me that that that she makes this comment, but what and so what? What bothered me this morning within it is when I make the same joke back.
Speaker 2And it rings me.
Speaker 1And it rings her bell and then I instantaneously see the energy change of the room and she becomes, I don't know, irritated at herself, at me, whatever it was.
Speaker 1And so now I go through the rest of my morning saying I guess I shouldn't have said that joke and I can't take her issues into my life because, I know what I'm doing and I'm doing things right, and so I have this stable and confidence and stability and confidence in knowing that what I do in life is what I'm doing when it comes to that subject is 100% upfront and honest. And so I can get to a better place with it. But I think the point of that is understanding that it does come up in onions, because she was joking around about it last week and then I make a joke about it and it's not so funny.
Speaker 2Right, exactly.
Speaker 1And it rings a bell and that's okay, I'm okay with that. And so, like I said this morning, what do is is? I just get clear on it. I just want to know what, what the purpose behind the energy change was, and I'm like, okay, I can't, I, I am not, I don't have the power to change her but what did you do to get clear about it? I asked right, exactly, that's the key I like. Did I do something to make you mad, right?
Speaker 2right. And then that, because I was sitting there and I was engulfed in why is this coming up again? Oh my God, I am so tired of it. Why can't I just chunk this shit out the window? And so I didn't really even realize that it was, that I was putting off the energy of my frustration outwardly, because I was just deep in the thought of it, and so, by you asking me the question, it popped me back into the now, into the awareness of okay, hey, you're projecting this off, and it gave me the opportunity.
Speaker 1I don't feel good.
Speaker 2Right. It gave me the opportunity to really say listen, I am, yeah, I am feeling some frustration, but it is not at all by any wings at you Any wings?
Speaker 1Did you say wings, any wings? I said any wings.
The Power of Ongoing Communication
Speaker 2It's not at you, it's actually at myself, because I gave myself this little pop quiz of having you state that joke and in my perspective I flunked the pop quiz and I thought I was done with it. And so I'm like bleep F word. I thought I was done with this crap, what the bleep. So I was aggravated at myself. So by you asking the question and feeling comfortable to be able to ask the question brought me back to the reality of awareness of hey, look at this, because you're projecting it off.
Speaker 1Well, I think you know to kind of fall back on every part of this, of this podcast is it's kind of step three in the relationship series and that is communication absolutely communicate, be open and receptive to that other person.
Speaker 1Yeah, do not be judgmental, do not make assumptions, do not have expectations that aren't communicated and everything is about the communication within it, and I know society teaches you that but what we're telling you to do is communicate, no matter what the consequences is they are, and have balance within it that way you can keep stay on a pure, genuine level and don't be defensive.
Speaker 2Yeah, you can't be defensive, right?
Speaker 1don't take it like it would be so easy for me to get defensive and get and ample that, that or turn it into an argument really quick.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, but I'm under the understanding and knowing what I do. You know and if it because we do this all time so there's something pops up and if you're living truly genuine and there is that you know you've seen your girlfriend or whatever kind of energy I know what I'm doing Right. Oh, you've seen your girlfriend or whatever kind of energy. I know what I'm doing, right. So it gives me this solidarity to not engage into an emotional roller coaster ride of an argument, because I know what I'm doing and I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2I would say too. Another trick that I've had you do that's helpful for me is that when I do make the joke, there's been occasions where you've said are you okay and is there something that we need to talk about on that topic? You've asked me because I guess me making the joke is sometimes an indicator that I'm having a little bit of a struggle with this topic today.
Speaker 1A damn monkey's back.
Speaker 2And by you asking me hey, are you all right on that topic? Do you need to conversate about it? It kind of opens a doorway to give me that allowance to conversate.
Speaker 1So look, can't take it personal way, because the baggage is not about you.
Speaker 2That's right, that's your personal.
Speaker 1It's all about the communication, right Anyway.
Speaker 2So make yourself a note, because we need to take this podcast in the direction of what happens when you're already in a relationship and you're not on the same wavelength as your partner, like your partner's not willing to communicate or your partner's not willing to participate. We need to go over that in the next podcast, because I know we're running short on time.
Speaker 1We're at almost an hour already.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1That went quick, didn't it?
Speaker 2It does go by quickly.
Speaker 1Hey, so step three of the relationship series is done. We appreciate you all listening. Don't forget to like, follow, share.
Speaker 2And Ring that bell.
Speaker 1Hey, we want you all to have an awesome day and when you see us in Cozumel, wave at us Love you.
Speaker 2Love you. We'll see you next time.
