The Spiritual Grind
The Spiritual Grind is a candid, down-to-earth podcast hosted by Dr. Jenni Emery, PhD, RN, CHLC, CH, and Rev. James Emery, MHSB, exploring personal growth, mindset, belief systems, leadership, and real-world transformation.
Drawing from decades of study, lived experience, and practical application, Jenni and James bridge the gap between spirituality, psychology, business, and everyday life. Their conversations move beyond theory, offering honest insight into how beliefs are formed, how patterns repeat, and how intentional awareness can create lasting change.
Rather than promoting labels, dogma, or shortcuts, The Spiritual Grind focuses on clarity, responsibility, and personal agency—meeting listeners exactly where they are and giving them tools to move forward with confidence, depth, and authenticity.
Each episode blends thoughtful dialogue, real stories, and grounded perspective designed to support growth in both personal and professional life—without hype, pressure, or pretense.
Our Website is https://themerccenters.org
The Spiritual Grind
The Secret Nobody Tells You About Modern Relationships
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Do you find yourself creating elaborate stories about what your partner thinks, needs, or expects from you? If so, you're not alone. In this deeply personal exploration of relationship dynamics, we dive into the complex world of overthinking and outdated expectations that plague even the most self-aware among us.
Dr. Jenny bravely shares her ongoing struggle with the concept of "wifely duties" – that invisible checklist of responsibilities she was taught would keep her relationship secure. From preparing food to fulfilling sexual obligations, these internalized beliefs continue to affect her despite years of studying human behavior and patterns. This revelation launches us into a powerful conversation about how these outdated paradigms limit authentic connection.
We challenge the traditional relationship model where one person feels obligated to serve the other, replacing it with a revolutionary perspective: your partner doesn't need you – they choose you. This subtle but profound shift transforms relationships from obligation to freedom. When you understand that someone actively chooses to be with you every day, it changes how you approach every interaction.
The most liberating relationship secret we've discovered? Stop creating scenarios in your head about how things "should" look. Those mental stories, usually based on outdated beliefs or fears, create bottlenecks that prevent you from experiencing the full potential of your partnership. Instead, we offer practical strategies for recognizing when you're overthinking, communicating effectively about your concerns, and embracing the freedom to be your authentic self.
Whether you're struggling with gender role expectations, feeling resentful about relationship "duties," or simply wanting to build a more authentic connection, this episode provides both the validation and tools you need. Ready to drop the relationship baggage you've been carrying? Listen now, and discover what becomes possible when you choose freedom over obligation in your relationships.
Thank you for listening to The Spiritual Grind.
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Learn more about Dr. Jenni Emery, upcoming projects, and resources at:
https://themerccenters.org
Hello.
Speaker 2Hello everybody, welcome back to the Spiritual Grind. We are here again for your listening pleasure. Good morning. Should I give you the deep tone voice?
Speaker 1Should I? Should I stare? Should I go?
Speaker 2Oh my goodness, what just happened. Should I, should I stay or should I go? Oh my goodness, what just happened. I think my earphones are off.
Speaker 1That sure sounded like Dr Jenny singing. Oh, anyway, life is a big musical in my head it is you know what life is? Life is fun, life is fun.
Speaker 2Life is a big musical in my head. It is. You know what life is? Life is fun.
Speaker 1Life is fun.
Speaker 2Life is fun, which brings me to my topic today.
Speaker 1Indeed.
Speaker 2Do you overthink life?
Speaker 1Of course you know I do girl.
Speaker 2You know, we had the coffee talk this morning a little bit and when I ran to the store and on my way back I was sitting there because I had to stand in line forever because of the Powerball drawing. Oh my God, it's like 1.6 billion and I was trying to get our Powerball ticket and there was like 40 people in line Right. It was insanity. Because it was right at lunch, of course, I decided to go to the store at lunch.
Speaker 1Right right.
Speaker 2So while I was standing there in line, I was thinking about our conversation this morning and how, even us, after so many years of doing this, reading, studying, you know, humanistic sciences and working with people and understanding human beliefs and patterns and programs we still overthink too. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1I mean, that's the thing that I try to do every time we sit down at these microphones is keep it genuine, man. We are not some fucking gurus that got it all figured out. Speak for yourself. We're just doing the same thing you guys are doing out there, which is trying to figure it out the best way we can, each and every day. Whenever the shit sandwich comes up and you gotta deal, deal with it. I'm no different. This morning's topic was all in my baseball field. It was all about that garbage that I'm mucking around in. Feel free to share.
Speaker 2Overthinking it Overthinking.
Speaker 1Absolutely.
Speaker 2We'll share Dr Jenny's overthinking, and it makes no fucking logical sense.
Speaker 1I'm going to have to bleep that out.
Speaker 2And we have. You don't have to bleep it out, we have anyway.
Speaker 1Well, it just aggravates me, just like it would any other human.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know Dr Jenny's thing that she's talking about is she was raised in an environment to where women were taught A they have to take care of their man and B they have certain specific duties that they have to fulfill to A keep their man happy and B be loved.
Speaker 1Yeah, the wifely duties.
Speaker 2Yeah, the wifely duties, yeah, the wifely duties. And chores.
Speaker 1And the stupid thing is I don't even know. I had such a weird upbringing. I don't even know. I can't really even pinpoint where all that bullshit came from, because my mom, on a regular basis, was not in the picture.
Speaker 1So, I didn't have like a parental template to really work from and I spent a lot of time at my grandparents' houses and they were still married to their spouse of many, many, many years and neither one of those relationships were really healthy. They had one set of grandparents that didn't like each other, um, and so they went to opposite ends of the world. Basically every day he went to the farm and she stayed at home and played with us grandkids and that was kind of their life, but they slept in separate beds. They, they still got in arguments, heavy, heated arguments. If she wanted to go dancing, like at the VFW, she took me, not him. When I got older, yeah.
Speaker 1And then on the other side of it, the other grandparents, like she, cooked and cleaned and did all the housework and he went to the shop and welded because he was a welder but she nagged his ass up one side and down the other. She was a very devout pentecostal and we went to church every time those damn doors were open. And at home it was the 700 club playing on the tv constantly nuts until it was time for what's that? What's that, bob barker?
Speaker 1oh price is right oh yeah, right price is right. And then in the evening it was will of fortune yeah, six o'clock she would nag his ass about. He liked to drink beer. He smoked Camel cigarettes with no filter, constantly on his ass about both of those things and as the oldest grandchild who everybody wanted to be a boy, I ended up inadvertently taking on that tomboy persona.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1So I would spend most of my days out in the shop with him learning how to weld, doing boy things.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1So I don't even know where that came from, I mean, the closest. I can come to is my grandparents' relationships and watching those.
Speaker 2Yeah, well, you know, and there's probably a lot of listeners that hear this and and everybody needs to hear we've actually kind of touched on a little bit over the over the course of the last year on our podcast. But when you overthink things like, for example and I will use abundance or money- actually Actually use sex.
Speaker 1Use sex, use my example, okay.
Speaker 2And so.
Speaker 1Dr Jenny was taught, I think.
Speaker 2I'm going to use abundance. I like that example better. So in the money-wise situation, when you're overthinking life, you have a tendency yes, we create our reality. Yes, we are in what we put out. Energy wise, we get back.
Creating Scenarios in Your Head
Speaker 2That is all what I want, that ring thing, oh um, that is all part of our spiritual beliefs in our living and that's how we live. But the big part of that that a lot of people get confused is in the process of creating their reality. They have a tendency to create scenarios of stuff they know nothing about or they shouldn't even be creating. So they're building an expectation on what the reality is supposed to be and don't even really know what it's supposed to be, and so you create a bottleneck and right so you create, uh, the story or the picture, just so I can reconfirm what you're talking about, yeah, of what it should look like in your head, and that inadvertently creates a situation where you're not only not allowing that version to come in, but you're not allowing an expanded version of that, if it were to be.
Speaker 2Right, it's a very limiting practice.
Speaker 1Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2When you get to a spot, to where you are creating scenarios in your head of how something should look.
Speaker 1And then hanging on to that, and then hanging on to that With a death grip.
Speaker 2Yeah, we're hanging. You know, I see people do it in jobs, I see people do it in life, I see people do it in relationships, in money, in sex, in whatever. They create this scenario in their head of how they want their reality to look in this specific topic. And it is okay to have beliefs and patterns and program that create that reality. But it's not okay, when you put parameters or expectations on that reality to look this way, because you put it out there in the world and you create your reality.
Speaker 2You have to let it go. You know, you have to be okay with either way, for when it happens, whatever happens, because you don't know the steps by which you're going to get there. You know we don't gonna guess, we have crystal balls in our world, but when you you don't have anything that's going to tell you a if I do this, this is going to happen, and then that's going to happen, and then that's going to tell you a if I do this, this is going to happen, and then that's going to happen, and then that's going to happen and this is going to happen. All we do is we say listen, I want to get here.
Speaker 2Spirit, take the wheel yeah and when you start creating those scenarios in your head, it can. That are there. Those scenarios are based off your beliefs, patterns and programs. Right and when you? When you do that, when your beliefs are not in the right place for where you are now, you know like your belief of you have wifely chores. Otherwise I'm not going to be happy.
Speaker 1Well, yeah, and that's something that came up for me is to give you guys insight on what he's talking about In my definition of being a good wife. Air quote what baggage still lived there is if I don't provide my man with sex as a wifely duty, he's going to go somewhere else to get it. I'm still, after all these years, I'm still carrying that bullshit around.
Speaker 1Well and you use it as a sex example. But, but you were doing in a lot of other topics as well, right, but I, because we've been talking about spiritual sex, I thought I would bring that in, since that's the most recent thing this last couple of days that I the shadow work that I've been doing for myself, because, man, I'm tired of lugging that fucking baggage around.
Speaker 2Right. I mean, like the example I told you this morning, I can say in the car man, I'm hungry and all I'm doing is kind of communicating verbally that I'm setting the intention that I'm going to go get something to eat and Dr Jenny will go through her entire bag of goodies that she has Okay, do you want peanuts? Do you want crackers? That she has Okay, do you want peanuts? Do you want crackers, Do you want? And I'm like no, no, Because I know what she carries and so what it does is from this side of the plate. It puts me in a weird position.
Speaker 1How so.
Speaker 2Because you've gotten irritated when you say caca pues you know, in Spanish I was taught that that meant okay, you want shit instead, right, and so when I go through you go through that list, and I'm like no, no, no, because I'm thinking in my head what I want to eat.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2And you get to the end. You're frustrated because you just offered me everything you have. I've stated I'm hungry and somehow you've taken it on the ownership of it. It's your responsibility to make sure I eat.
Speaker 1Right and I. The funky part about it is I didn't realize that I was doing that because I still was hanging on to. It's my wifely duty to make sure that you've got something to eat, right it's my wifely duty to make sure that you've got something to eat. I cloaked it as I am doing it, because this is the bag of stuff I have and I'm kindly just offering what I have to you, and if you want to eat it, you do, and if you don't, you don't. Right, that's how I saw it.
Speaker 2Yeah, but.
Speaker 1I didn't see the accountability in the real place of. I'm still hanging on to that bullshit of oh, it's my wifely responsibility to put my wife cape on and go into action because he said he's hungry and the vision that pops up is my grandmother devout Pentecostal one, so that's her whole lot in life to make sure that the man is fed and he eats before the children do.
Speaker 2And that was how the whole household was.
Speaker 1He got his plate first and she made it for him. She took it to him. Wifely duty.
Speaker 2So what's?
Speaker 1coming up right this minute is this image, and that's exactly where I created my template from was watching her do that.
Speaker 2Well, you said it right. A lot of people have a watching her do that. Yeah, well, you, you said it right is you mask it? A lot of people have a tendency to do that. So, and that's where I was kind of going with this is it's overthinking things. And it's over because I like I don't know how many times I've told you in our relationship together I'm a big boy, I can do my laundry, I could cook my own clothes, yeah, my own house.
Speaker 2Well, and in the in the first parts of our relationship and maybe even now I don't see my energy, but definitely in the first parts of our relationship I kind of got offended at that, like you're not letting me do my wifely duty and so and, and it becomes a masking, because when, when I tell you I don't need the things, it's kind of like the same scenario when you said if you're going to cheat with somebody, make sure you take me Right. It's kind of the same scenario. When I take away the responsibilities that you have as a belief, you'll mask it.
Speaker 1It's like, wow, what the fuck am I supposed to do then? Yeah, you don't need me. What am I supposed to do then? Yeah, but then you don't need me. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 2what I choose you.
Speaker 1I don't need you, right, but that's the kind of existential crisis where I've got to redefine everything right and go into a whole, create a whole, nother grid or matrix, if you will of. Okay, then what's the fucking point of being your wife? If what, what does wife?
Speaker 2mean, you're salty today, aren't?
Speaker 1you, I am salty man. I got my job in that f-bomb a lot what? What's the point in being the wife? What does the wife definition mean? What is why did I? Why did I do this? Then? What does mean Do?
Speaker 2you think it comes with responsibilities.
Speaker 1I did yeah At one point in my life.
Speaker 2And there's a lot of people that do think that.
Speaker 1And I fall back on that inadvertently, subconsciously, if I'm not careful. Right and and I think this is a very crucial part of our I built a whole nursing career where I'm basically like, for example, in the ER or in the OR. I have created an entire career of being someone's proverbial wife, yeah, anticipating what tool they're going to need next or what thing they're going to need next, so that I'm right there by their side performing that work-wife duty of giving them what they need. An entire career built around that perspective.
Challenging Traditional Gender Roles
Speaker 2Yeah, I know, I totally understand A lot of people do. But when you start masking it and you start trying to hide it behind things, and it is a true belief that you should really look at, because when you have a relationship where you have two independent people that come together and choose, did you hear that I did?
Speaker 1What was that?
Speaker 2I don't know, that was weird. My mic cut out for a second too. That was weird.
Speaker 1I'll have to look at it when I edit.
Speaker 2Yeah, that was odd. But when you have two independent people that come together, when one brings belief into the beliefs, into the relationship that I don't need somebody, I choose to be with you, yeah, and the other one brings in that I have to do something to be chosen right, it can cause a really weird dynamic it can. It can, definitely it can make a wonky situation and people may be asking themselves well, what do I? How do I change that?
Speaker 2because yeah, you know in today's society. Yes, 50 years ago the wife having wifely duties was normal, right, you know the? Because they were single income households. Now every household just about is two incomes. Both people work, but yet we still have this weird dynamic that it's the woman's responsibility to take care of the children. The man comes home, pops open a beer and sits in the recliner. And how is that balanced and how is that fair? She just worked 40 hours that week too.
Speaker 1Exactly.
Speaker 2I can tell you why Because the women still get viewed that they don't work as hard as men yeah and raising kids and working 40 hours a week is not always an easy job no but when it comes to today's world, when you have people that bring in those, those values in there that are not, they're they not?
Speaker 2really? What am I looking for? When you bring in those beliefs and right, it's not balanced. That's one thing, but what is the word I'm trying to think is they're useless. It's useless because all it does is cause, first of all, the person bringing them in issues and, second of all, it now creates a problem for the other person.
Speaker 1Well, the person bringing them in and I can talk on that behalf I felt a sense of Don't get me wrong, I have baggage too. What's my, oh my God. What's my purpose then?
Speaker 2Right.
Speaker 1I found myself lost on, okay. Well then, I don't know what this means and I don't know how to do this, and it, almost for a time in our relationship, caused a kind of panic situation of why am I here, why am I doing? This Like what's the point? And I got I I was lost and had had to figure out what, what, what is my new right? What is my new purpose then, in all of this?
Speaker 2and that's where relationships go really weird yeah when people don't know how to live and in a way that they that some person doesn't need them Unconditionally without a purpose right. I choose to be with you.
Speaker 1I don't need you to do my laundry, I don't need you to run my bathwater, I don't need you to go to the refrigerator and get me a beer, and I choose to be with you independently and honor you who you are and where you are Right, and when people in relationships now can come to a point to where it includes sex yeah it's part of the whole paradigm of wifely duty that's incorporated in it too and what it does on the female side is it makes sex then more of a chore to check off of a to-do list, like you would house chores, instead of giving it the space to move around and actually be a thing that you experience from a place of enjoyment and not obligation?
Speaker 2that's the key.
Speaker 1That's the key right there, right, because there's no room for us to or you know I can only speak for myself, but there's there's no room for us to. Or you know I can only speak for myself, but there's no room for me to enjoy it, because it's an obligation and I'm just trying to check it off of a list. Okay, this is a chore done this week, right along with laundry and dishes and everything else, so I'm not leaving any room for it to take on any other persona.
Speaker 2Agreed. And that brings me to a place, to where this is where unintended consequences come into play, because there are people that joke around about. I'll tell you how to keep your man happy and not cheating on you, you keep his belly full and his balls drained. I've heard that joke a million times. I've seen it just today on YouTube shorts. Well, first of all, I'm going to challenge men. A million times, I've seen it just today on YouTube Shorts. Yeah. Well, first of all, I'm going to challenge men to step up and be independent, first of all.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2Second of all, newsflash. Ladies, y'all ready for this? We are no matter what you do. If your man's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, that's right. It has nothing to do with you keeping his belly full and his balls drained. It ain't get nothing to do with you keeping his belly full and his balls drained. It ain't got nothing to do with it. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. It ain't got nothing to do with that. And it doesn't mean that you're, and it ain't got nothing to do with you, right?
Speaker 1It doesn't mean that you're unworthy of love or unworthy of perfection or you know any of that garbage that comes up with when you're talking about that stuff. I can only speak for me. What was tingled up in it was if I'm not perfect, then I am not worth loving, right?
Speaker 2If I don't do all of my wifely duties, then I don't deserve love do my laundry lady, because I am not man enough to wash my own clothes and I'm gonna, I'm gonna, give you 50 lashes with the thumb size switch that I find out in the yard right, and this is the crazy part about this, and I've actually worked with somebody that said this.
Speaker 2The woman was in counseling and she says he always expects me to do his laundry. I work too, and I have to cook, I have to take care of the baby, and he sits and watches TV in the chair and I'll hand him the baby and da-da-da-da-da-da-da baby and go through all that, right. And I said well, have you asked him to do his own laundry? He says he don't know how. So you have a man that is an engineer, that goes all day long and figures out how to use different tools and how to build things.
Speaker 1How to build a fucking rocket that goes to the moon.
Speaker 2But he doesn't know how to work a washing machine Right. It goes to the moon, but he doesn't know how to work a washing machine Right. First of all, I don't know if y'all ever heard this before, but I call bullshit. We call bullshit, and so that's a challenge I'm going to put out there to the man is, first of all, quit, quit, just quit. We are 50 years, 70 years past that crap.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2You know. Take care of your dang self and enjoy your life with somebody you choose to be with, not somebody you want to live. To wait on your hand and foot, that is ridiculous, right.
Speaker 1It is just a If you want that, move back in with your mommy, right.
Speaker 2Go live in your mama's basement, for God's sake. You know it's like Because it gives. It makes guys like me because, don't get me wrong, I wasn't perfect for a good number of years and I'm still not perfect to this day. But you know, I have been in bad spots in relationships. I have cheated, I have done all sorts of things in relationships, but what I did do is learn. I did become somebody different. Yeah, and I, because I chose to be somebody different and I don't need anybody.
Speaker 2And when we have these guys out here that are setting these standards, and these moms and these grandmas are teaching these daughters these responsibilities, and these, these men that aren't raising their sons or telling their sons yeah, you're just perpetuating.
Speaker 1You're just perpetuating this stupid crap.
Speaker 2You're just perpetuating this freaking cycle of things that's not going to go nowhere.
Speaker 1Yeah, and then they become adults who are in therapy because their life is not working, or they end up divorced a hundred times. Right, and they have to get therapy and try and figure all that shit out.
Speaker 2Right, and here's the crazy part about this is it's very easy.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2And it's one sentence that all you have to do is dad's sons, whoever they are, any guy out there. It's one sentence and it's. I am man enough to take care of myself.
Speaker 1Or.
Speaker 2I am woman enough to take care of myself. I don't need somebody else. I choose to have somebody else. That's right, and I'm definitely not going to compile my responsibilities on somebody else. That is not being a man, that's not being a leader.
Speaker 1That's not being a leader. That's not being a leader. Well, it's not just the men Women do it too.
Speaker 2Right, I totally agree.
Speaker 1Women. There's women out there that take that reverse role and expect the man to do everything, while they sit around blowing the polish dry on their fingers.
Speaker 2Right, I had to heard somebody making fun of somebody that one day here, but I don't know six, seven months ago that he cause he was a stay at home dad, the wife was the breadwinner, he stayed home with the kids, yeah, and there was actually a couple of people making fun of him. I told him I'm like, bro, just do you, man, if it's a negotiated thing between you two then, do it.
Speaker 2That's fine, it's not a big deal. But there were other people that were saying oh, you're not a man, You're not taking care of your family and he is taking care of his family. He's probably actually going to raise two very good kids. And he said I take care of the house when she comes home, she doesn't have to do nothing.
Speaker 1Yeah, and if that's how the negotiation is panned out for them and it works and.
Speaker 2I agree with that scenario. If one person works and the other one doesn't, it doesn't matter, the gender. Right.
Speaker 1It's what works in your particular situation and what the two of you have communicated and negotiated, your gives and takes.
Speaker 2Correct, 100% correct, but anyway. So the perpetuation of this pattern of evolution between couples over the last 50 to 70 years is the most ridiculous thing and shame on this society. We need to fix it, you know everybody is equal.
Speaker 2Everybody should be taking care of themselves and choosing to be, and I guarantee you divorce rates will drop way down when people come into the relationship with the thought of I don't need you to take care of me, I don't need you to provide me with anything, what I am choosing you to spend my life with you and if you're the one bringing in the baggage, like me who was the wife with all these wifely duties, it's very freeing to have a relationship such as ours, where I was able to let go of that baggage yeah and really experience a new kind of relationship without the relationship, without the have-tos.
Speaker 2Right, and this brings me back.
Speaker 1I get to, and so then what?
Speaker 2ends up happening. Right, you get to. That's a good way to put it Right.
Speaker 1I don't have to now. I get to if I want to, right, but because it was such a long-practiced habit, sometimes even I get caught in an unaware state and I begin to tell the story that overthinks the situation.
Speaker 2Totally agree, we all do it to extend in certain ways and so I you know so what.
Speaker 1What do we do about it?
Speaker 2like me. I open your car door every time we go somewhere, right, right, do I have to do that? Do you expect me to do that? No, I get to do that.
Speaker 1Right, exactly.
Speaker 2I do it out of respect and love, because I chose you. You chose to be with me, and doorknob shouldn't be in your hand.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2It's just I'm sorry, it's just me.
Speaker 1Right that used to be me.
Speaker 2Don't get me wrong, that didn't used to be me. But in my change of life, in my changing myself, I changed a lot of my practices.
Speaker 1Right, but you did it because you wanted to.
Speaker 2That's right.
Speaker 1I did it by myself, Not because somebody said oh, you're going to open my door or we're not going to be together. Right, I didn't like who I had become.
Speaker 2Right, and so I became somebody different. But the key is that you made that or we're not going to be together. Right? I didn't like who I had become Right, and so I became somebody different.
Speaker 1But the key is that you made that change, because that's who you wanted to become and one of the things that you wanted to embrace and do.
Speaker 2Right, I have no regrets for who I was, but I'm very proud of who I am now.
Speaker 1Yeah, I mean, that's how it works really, and so, uh, I guess, if you know, people are out there and they're like okay, well then, how do I start? What do I do? What's the first step?
Speaker 2Well, and this is pretty easy, I think. I think the first step of this scenario is stopping to realize that that you bring you're bringing problems to the table, that it's not the other person's fault if there's something that is bothering you, that's on you. Yeah, that's the first thing you have to realize yeah, that's.
Speaker 1The first thing is is that if it's bugging you, then it's your problem. It's your problem, not theirs you gotta dig in there and you gotta look at that right, you can't deflect if it, if it's not bothering you, then there there's no belief or anything in there and you give it no definition, you give it no emotion because there's no point, it's not bugging you, so the minute that it starts to feel uncomfortable or offensive or blame whatever.
Speaker 1Whatever those emotions are that it triggers inside of you, that's a big indicator that you've got some work to do you got some.
Speaker 2Thank you.
Speaker 1There's alarm bells going off on that belief yeah, exactly right and you know you kind of like one of those things that is more than likely happening is you're telling yourself a story that's a lie.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Hence overthinking things.
Speaker 2That's right. Hey, wait till you bring it back. That used to be my job, whatever every point where you're.
Speaker 1You've created a story in your head and you're not sure if it's accurate or if it's just an outright lie that you've told yourself to make things feel better. Go to your partner and say listen, I've been tooling around with this, this is what I've come up with. Can you help me by identifying? Is this just a dumb ass lie I'm telling myself, or is this something that has any truth to it whatsoever? And talk it out with your person.
Speaker 2Yes, and that'll enhance communication.
Speaker 1That'll give you a sounding board and it will identify, because if he looks at you and says you're telling an outright lie Now you can't get offended or have your feelings hurt because you went to him and asked for that verification. You got to just big girl up or man up and say, all right, I asked for that and it's a lie. Now, what am I going to do with it?
Speaker 2And that is the number two part of it that you perfectly said, that I think you worded that well. I would add one little thing to that.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Is when you open the door to a belief and you bring it up to your partner to communicate. It. Open the door to a belief and you bring it up to your partner to communicate it is.
Speaker 1You have to be understanding that sometimes that person's going to say, listen, I don't know where that's coming from your shit sting but that is a dirty diaper yeah, and you've got to be open and receptive if you're going to bring that other person in from a place of okay, I asked for it. Don't ask for something that you can't handle without going into a place of defensiveness and create an all-out argument. War over because you asked for the information, right? Don't turn it into an argument and take it defensively like the other person, be it he or the she, of the or the he and the he, whatever your partner's gender is makes no difference, right, but if you bring it up to your partner as a sounding board, make sure you're ready for what comes out of that person's mouth when you ask for the assistance in clarifying whether it's just a dumb ass lie and you're ready to get rid of it.
Speaker 2Don't go into defense mode because I don't create an argument we see, that's one thing that I do like when I bring something to you that we can talk about, if I need to talk about something yeah I. I don't look at you as my wife. I look at you as my counselor and I and I do it from a different perspective.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know like yesterday when we were talking to Misty Misty Nichols by the way, she owns a fortune teller seller and she's on Facebook, look her up. Uh, she is a tarot reader and probably one of the best tarot readers that I have ever experienced in my life. Yeah it well yesterday when she said people come to me and they get mad when I tell them things, and she says to them listen, it ain't me that's talking, it's you, and if you can't take what you hearing, it's on you because that's these are your cards. I mean, this is your reading, it's not my reading you're not reading me.
Speaker 2These cards are reading you that's right and and it's on it, and so when you go to have that conversation and understand that, approach that person in a way of. I really truly want to know the answer to this question yeah and be open-minded.
Speaker 1You can't get defensive and accountable, and accountable because I totally agree by golly shadow work is not a fucking spot reason why it's called shadow work and be careful what you ask for the minute that you ask for a tarot reading or the minute that you ask to talk to your partner and bounce it off of them. Know what you're going into and be open to receive whatever constructive criticism comes out in a true. I'm ready to receive this. I'm ready to look at the nitty-gritty dirt of it and do something about it. Not from that martyr victim place uh, I'm gonna passively aggressively turn this into a narcissistic. Well, I do that. Because you do this bullshit thing?
Speaker 2because that's not beneficial to anybody and it starts fights and it's sometimes it's people's first nature, because that was really my first nature for a very long time if that's where you're at, then don't even bother having the conversation.
Speaker 1Keep it to yourself until you're absolutely 100 ready for that person to have whatever come out of their mouth. Because even if you go to them and say, okay, I want to pass this by you, but I really want you to sugar coat it because I'm a tip bag. That's not beneficial. It's not helpful. Don't waste their time and don't freaking waste your time If you're not ready to get hardcore about it and take what they're telling you uncoated with sugar and freaking deal with it right if you're not ready to get real about it?
Speaker 1then waller in your crap and move on yeah, totally agree.
Speaker 2And you know and there's another part to that it's like for me, when I bring something to you, that's baggage for me and we talk through it and it's pattern or belief or whatever it is going on. When I bring it to you, I have to change who I am as well, how. So when I bring something to the table and it gets brought up, and if it makes me emotional, it has to be okay. You have to allow the emotional guidance system to work its process.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2And so making yourself especially on the side of the masculinity side. Right we have a tendency to not allow our emotions to show.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it and emotions are part of our life, and if you can't be man enough to have emotions, then you're not or be masculine. Let me rephrase it's not even about man and woman who cares what sex it is. It doesn't matter what sex it is. If you are not a strong, spiritually grounded human enough to allow your emotions to guide you through the process of changing the way you think and making yourself feel better, then what are you doing?
Speaker 1Right, because nine times out of 10, not allowing yourself to experience the emotions of a situation just keeps you in that trauma loop.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Because you're not dealing with the emotions, you're keeping them bottled up. And that just holds the energy of that thing and not allowing you to release it fully. That is 100% correct you got to have the emotions in it. Whether that be tears or anger or whatever, whatever that is.
Speaker 2I totally agree and I think I'm going to tell everybody the secret to a relationship you ready. Everybody's going to hear this.
Speaker 1Listen in.
Speaker 2This is the secret to all relationships, if you want to have an awesome relationship.
Speaker 1Do tell you ready yeah.
Speaker 2They don't have to be with you, they choose to be with you.
Speaker 1Bingo.
Speaker 2They don't have to do with you. They choose to be with you Bingo. They don't have to do anything.
Speaker 1That's right.
Don't Overthink It: Final Thoughts
Speaker 2They can choose to get up and leave today. They can choose to stay with you today. Yeah, they can choose to hold your hand when they walk. They can choose to run in front of you a hundred yards because they're embarrassed by you. It is their choice, and when you have enough respect for yourself to understand that that person is with you because they're choosing to be with you, it will change the way you look at everything.
Speaker 1But it will also change for them.
Speaker 2And change for them as well.
Speaker 1When they are no longer obligated to perform, then it gives them freedom as well, and then you get to experience a relationship where freedom is the name of the game and every single second and every single moment has the opportunity to take on its own, like just amazing energy. Because it hasn't been predefined or pre-boxed of. It's got to look this way, or it's got to look that way, or it's not right. Or I've got to perform this way, or it's got to look that way, or it's not right. Or I've got to perform this, or she's not going to be happy, or I've got to perform this or he's not going to be happy. When you can break free from all that nonsense and come to that place of you know what? I sit here because I choose to.
Speaker 2To be there. That's right.
Speaker 1He sits there because he chooses to it not only allows me the freedom of that choice, but it allows the freedom of that choice on your side as well. Then the relationship morphs into a whole nother thing, completely.
Speaker 2Right, and that's another part of this. The last part, I think, for me in this conversation is you know, you and I, when we first got together, we said we're not going to get married because a paper doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2All it does is a marriage certificate comes with societal taught, responsibilities Boxed in, and the reality is is marriage is a choice? Yeah, relationships are a choice, right, you know? Like? You know, like the first time I got married, we went in front of the pastor and he said okay, okay, james, you have to love, honor, respect, obey, be a good present man, a man of God. You have to do all of these things. And I was like oh no, what, what but wait. And so marriage certificates come with these societal talk crap.
Speaker 1Yeah. It's all societal, it's the programmed energy of expectation and judgment. You and I agreed to not ever get married.
Speaker 2We ended up marrying during COVID because we heard the stuff that was going on. But part of it for me is the parameters and all the crap that comes with that piece of paper. That is not freedom.
Speaker 1No.
Speaker 2That is basically paying the state to tax you to enslave the other person. It doesn't make any dang sense.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's a legal form of slavery, almost.
Speaker 2Almost. Don't get me wrong. I'm not bad mouth of marriage and I'm not saying any of that kind of stuff. That's not what I mean.
Speaker 2For us what I mean is when you enter into that relationship and if you go to get married to somebody because you all both choose to be with somebody, with the other person, don't take that for granted Right and don't fall into that societal top belief that I've got to love, honor, obey, respect everything my man says, because dead till death do us part. Well, no shit, we're all dying. But to be real about it is understand that the rabbit hole.
Speaker 1Part of that is till death. Do us part if you spiritually have a death aspect of you where you recreate a whole new you. Because you've learned everything that you needed to learn from that individual. That's a form of death. So, then that gives you the permission to divorce them.
Speaker 2Yep.
Speaker 1It does, yep, so I'm not going to hell nope can I get an applause?
Speaker 2you know why, why because that piece of paper wasn't made by spirit. That piece of paper is a way for you to be taxed. It has nothing to do with beliefs and it definitely has nothing to do with relationships.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's fun to hang on the wall and say oh, mr and Mrs Emery, thank you.
Speaker 1Does anybody actually?
Speaker 2We don't even know where our merch certificate is. Actually we do. We found it when we got the passports.
Speaker 1I was going to say I had to drag it up and find it Because we found it when we got the passports. I was gonna say I had to drag it up and find it because we had to have it for the passport so we could go on our cruise yeah I don't think anybody actually hangs it on the wall, do they? Maybe some people do, they hang it on the wall.
Speaker 2Oh my god, that's crazy and the place where we were yesterday. It was hanging on the wall.
Speaker 1Really, yes, oh wow, I shouldn't laugh so hard.
Speaker 2Yeah, it was hanging on the wall, but anyway. And so just to everybody, to kind of clarify and top everything off in this scenario, is it is not your job to take care of your person, it is your job to respect them and choose to be with them and respect their beliefs and where they are right.
Speaker 1And so what does that mean? That means, like I give a couple of examples, like, for example, if the, if your breadcrumb is, you know what I've got some unfinished business. I need to go follow this breadcrumb to the casino.
Speaker 2Oh, I did that to you. That was two weeks ago, yeah.
Speaker 1My respect to you is that okay, cool, you got to follow some breadcrumbs and your offer back is do you want to go? And I, at that point, I get to choose right do I want to go it's not my breadcrumb or do I want to stay home and you go take your journey yourself?
Speaker 1and you want to choose and that is a very freeing feeling versus the way I used to run, which was oh my God. My man says he's doing this, I, as a, as a loving wife, it's my wifely duty to go and support him and honor whatever this is, even if I don't freaking want to do it, I must attend this thing and stand by his side. There's even a song Stand by my man man stand by your man.
Speaker 2It's a 50 song, of course right, and so I.
Speaker 1I could stand there and I could say it doesn't matter to me personally either way in that situation, whether I stay or whether I go. Okay, so then, do I truly do I want to go and check out the casino for myself, or would I rather stay at home? What's the enjoyment factor there?
Speaker 2either way.
Speaker 1And then I make the choice. Nine times out of ten Freedom. Then I make the choice.
Speaker 2Nine times out of ten.
Speaker 1Freedom Nine times out of ten. I go because I'm curious about what this whole adventure is for you, you get it and. I enjoy watching it unfold for you.
Speaker 2So a lot of times I'll go just so I can watch it. It didn't unfold very well for me last time. It wasn't very much fun. I learned something. That's all that matters.
Speaker 1But anyway, that's what it boils down to is don't overthink it right like I'll give you an example of overthinking that simple scenario.
Speaker 1Okay, wait. Okay. So he is gonna go to the casino. I don't really want to go, but if I don't go, he's gonna think that I'm not supporting him or that I don't love him, or that I am not gonna honor his place where he's at in his journey. Then I'm gonna look like a bad wife and I. Then we're gonna come home and I'm gonna have some resentment because I had to go instead of make being able, because I would rather I would rather be at home watching TV in my sweatpants this is my one and only day off too.
Speaker 1How dare him drag me into this nonsense of this stupid journey that he's on, when I would rather be on my couch watching a Disney movie in my sweatpants?
Speaker 2And eating your chocolate ice cream.
Speaker 1Like that's overthinking a boxed way over thinking perspective.
Speaker 2All I wanted you to say is do you want to go or not?
Speaker 1hey, like I'm gonna go follow this spiritual breadcrumb, I'm inviting you to go if you want to. Uh, if you don't, it's cool with me either way I don't care, so don't overthink it.
Speaker 2And don't think that that means that that person doesn't want you to go.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2It's freedom. In this example, I do want you to always go with me.
Speaker 1Right, right but it's your choice. Right.
Speaker 2I don't own you, I ain't your daddy right, right, but it's your choice, right?
Speaker 1I? I don't own you, I ain't your daddy.
Speaker 2But if I had done that whole overthinking process essentially, what could have you said if I had done?
Speaker 1you did do that I did, yeah, you talked we talked about it.
Speaker 2Really, yeah, you, you's like I really don't want to go, but I'm gonna go. And then I asked you like why did you go if you didn't want to go?
Speaker 1oh, so I was speaking like the truth. Yeah, see, see, guys, what happens, like I'm just human. My poop stinks just like yours does man yeah and so then, what it does, is it? I lost my train of thought yeah, sorry I didn't mean it. Um, well then it can take you to a place of resentment and you resent him for dragging you into that dumbass situation.
Speaker 2And don't fall into the trap either.
Speaker 1And there's no point in resenting him because he didn't do anything wrong. Your own dumbass story and your own dumbass baggage. My dumbass, overthinking my dumbass, not just speaking my truth and saying no, you know what? I want to stay home and hang out on my couch.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1I need to be resenting myself.
Speaker 2Right, yeah.
Speaker 1The resentment needs to be pointed right back at me, because I'm the one that didn't honor my truth of what I really wanted to do, because I am still trying to honor some dumbass baggage of wifely duty paradigm.
Speaker 2Yeah, totally the.
Speaker 1June Cleaver syndrome. Yeah, we done with that.
Speaker 2Yeah, put a match to that.
Speaker 1Strike that match. So anyway that's what it looks like.
Speaker 2So to kind of finish out this topic, because we're getting pressed on time here, um is understand this really. You can make your life so much easier if you just realize on time.
Speaker 1Listen, we try to do what the recommendation is which did to give you guys a quick 20 minute little 20 to 40 little thing when he says pressed on time because we'll sit here and talk for freaking ever.
Speaker 2Oh, we do, we just did this morning.
Speaker 1We are trying desperately to give you a little 20-minute gig and not keep you right it's hard. Yeah it is.
Speaker 2It's hard to do it is hard to do, especially when you get flowing on a topic. The one bit of advice I would give about all this is first of all, don't understand, first of all, that everybody has a choice. It is a choice for them to be with you and if you're, if you're allowing your mind to wander on things and assume on things, just remind yourself that that person is choosing to be with me.
Speaker 1And that what you may be putting around in your head in the story is probably just an outright lie.
Speaker 2Yeah, totally 100. It did probably 99% of the time. It is a lie.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Um now there are the rare occasions, and it's not a lie, but it it it is. It is what it is, it is what it is and remember it's a choice. They don't have to be with you.
Speaker 1And you don't have to be with them.
Closing and Announcements
Speaker 2That's right, but anyway, hey guys, don't forget to like, follow and share. Hey, check out our website, wwwthemerchcentersorg. The Spiritual Grind is on YouTube. You can actually link it from our website and our Salty Tarot store is up and running. You can get spiritual grind merch on there and you can get salty tarot merch and you can also merc center merch, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah and uh, the the coffee thing is still not up there yet, by the way, because I haven't got a response back.
Speaker 2I asked if we could. Uh, anyway, we'll talk. Talk about that later. But the salty tarot if you go on Instagram, look up the salty tarot and follow us. It's not salty tarot, it's the salty tarot, cause I I'm going to have to file a complaint because we have somebody mimicking us. But, uh, follow if you would like. Follow and share them as well, because we are posting in there starting next week. So go ahead and follow the page and you'll get notification when the world-famous app comes out.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, and we are still working on the videos. We haven't forgotten about that. I'm waiting for some software downloads, we're having to go through the learning curve of how to put a video together and all of that. So sometimes learning curves are.
Speaker 2If it was just one person, it would be easy, but there's two of us.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2And so you have to have three to four cameras and you have to have multi-camera view in studio. If you want to do it right, you do you don't want to do it right.
Speaker 1You don't want to just do some dumb jackass video. So we're going through that learning phase, but they are coming, don't give up on us.
Speaker 2I actually thought about us going to that place that you could do your podcast in their studio. You pay them to do it and then they video it and do all that.
Speaker 1Maybe I didn't know that existed.
Speaker 2Yeah, and there's one here, oh, but anyway, that's really all I got. Ring that bell. Oh yeah, for your notifications. All righty, hey, y'all have an awesome day.
Speaker 1Love ya.
Speaker 2That was my sexy voice. Ha, ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha.
Speaker 1Love ya, that was my sexy voice. We'll see you next time.
