Your Partner Chooses You Every Day—Not Because They Have To

Ever catch yourself spinning stories about what your partner expects from you? That mental treadmill of overthinking could be sabotaging your relationship without you even realizing it.

In this raw, unfiltered conversation, we dive deep into how societal expectations create relationship baggage that weighs us down. We share personal examples of how traditional concepts like "wifely duties" continue to influence even the most self-aware among us. Dr. Jenny opens up about her struggle with feeling obligated to fulfill certain roles to be "worthy" of love, while James challenges these outdated paradigms with refreshing honesty.

The most liberating relationship truth we explore? Your partner chooses to be with you—they don't need to be. When both people approach a relationship as independent individuals who choose each other daily rather than dependent entities fulfilling obligatory roles, everything transforms. We discuss how this simple perspective shift eliminates the pressure to "earn" love through duties or obligations and instead cultivates authentic connection.

We also tackle the uncomfortable reality of shadow work—it's not "a spa day" as we colorfully put it. Examining your own baggage requires courage and accountability. When you notice yourself creating scenarios about what your partner expects, we provide practical guidance on how to pause, question these assumptions, and communicate honestly instead of spiraling into overthinking.

Whether you're in a relationship struggling with old paradigms or single and wondering how to approach partnership differently, this episode offers both the tough love and practical wisdom to break free from relationship overthinking. Listen now, and discover what becomes possible when you stop creating stories and start embracing the freedom of choice in your relationships.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:46

Hello.

Speaker 2 0:49

Hello everybody, welcome back to the Spiritual Grind. We are here again for your listening pleasure.

Speaker 1 0:55

Good morning.

Speaker 2 0:57

Should I give you the deep tone voice?

Speaker 1 1:01

Should I? Should I stare? Should I go?

Speaker 2 1:06

Oh my goodness, what just happened. Should I, should I stay or should I go? Oh my goodness, what just happened. I think my earphones are off.

Speaker 1 1:16

That sure sounded like Dr Jenny singing. Oh, anyway, life is a big musical in my head it is you know what life is? Life is fun, life is fun Life is a big musical in my head.

Speaker 2 1:23

It is. You know what life is? Life is fun. Life is fun Life is fun, which brings me to my topic today.

Speaker 1 1:33

Indeed.

Speaker 2 1:35

Do you overthink life?

Speaker 1 1:37

Of course you know I do girl.

Speaker 2 1:43

You know we had the coffee talk this morning a little bit and when I ran to the store and on my way back I was sitting there because I had to stand in line forever because of the Powerball drawing. Oh my God, it's like 1.6 billion and I was trying to get our Powerball ticket and there was like 40 people in line. It was insanity. Because it was right at lunch, of course, I decided to go to the store at lunch.

Speaker 1 2:05

Right right.

Speaker 2 2:12

So while I was standing there in line, I was thinking about our conversation this morning and how, even us, after so many years of doing this, reading, studying, you know, humanistic sciences and working with people and understanding human beliefs and patterns and programs we still overthink too. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 2:35

I mean, that's the thing that I try to do every time we sit down at these microphones is keep it genuine, man. We are not some fucking gurus that got it all figured out. Speak for yourself. We're just doing the same thing you guys are doing out there, which is trying to figure it out the best way we can, each and every day, whenever the shit sandwich comes up and you gotta deal with with it. I'm no different. This morning's topic was all in my baseball field. It was all about that garbage that I'm mucking around in. Feel free to share.

Speaker 2 3:18

Overthinking it.

Speaker 1 3:20

Overthinking. Absolutely, we'll share, dr.

Speaker 2 3:22

Jenny's overthinking.

Speaker 1 3:23

And it makes no fucking logical sense. I'm gonna have to bleep that out we and we have.

Speaker 2 3:29

You don't have to believe it. Uh, we have. Well anyway, it just aggravates me, just like it would any other human yeah, you know dr jenny's thing that she's talking about is she was raised um in an environment to where women were taught a they have to take care of their man and b they have certain specific duties that they have to fulfill to a keep their man happy and b be loved yeah, the wifely duties, yeah, the wifely duties and the stupid thing is I don't even know I had such a weird upbringing.

Speaker 1 4:04

I don't even know I had such a weird upbringing, I don't even know, I can't really even pinpoint where. All a lot of time at my grandparents houses and they were still married to their spouse of many, many, many years and neither one of those relationships were really healthy. They had one set of grandparents that didn't like each other and so they went to opposite ends of the world. Basically every day he went to the farm and she stayed at home and played with us grandkids and that was kind of their life, but they slept in separate beds. They still got in arguments, heavy heated arguments. If she wanted to go dancing, like at the vfw, she took me, not him.

Breaking Free From Wifely Duties

Speaker 1 5:11

When I got older, yeah and then on the other side of it, the other grandparents. Like she cooked and cleaned and did all the housework and he went to the shop and welded because he was a welder but she nagged his ass up one side and down the other. She was a very devout pentecostal and we went to church every time those damn doors were open and at home it was the 700 club playing on the tv constantly nuts until it was time for uh, what's that? What's that, bob barker?

Speaker 1 5:49

oh price is right oh yeah, right price is right. And then in the evening it was will of fortune yeah, six o'clock she would nag his ass about. He liked to drink beer. He smoked camel cigarettes with no filter. Constantly on his ass about both of those things. Yeah, and as the oldest grandchild who everybody wanted to be a boy, I ended up inadvertently taking on that tomboy persona. So I would spend most of my days out in the shop with him learning how to weld doing boy things.

Speaker 2 6:27

Okay.

Speaker 1 6:28

So I don't even know where that came from. I mean the closest. I can come to is my grandparents' relationships and watching those.

Speaker 2 6:41

Yeah, well, you know, and there's probably a lot of listeners that hear this and everybody needs to hear. We've actually kind of touched on a little bit over the course of the last year on our podcast. But when you overthink things like, for example and I will use abundance or money- Actually use sex.

Speaker 1 7:00

Use sex, Use my example.

Speaker 2 7:01

Okay, and so.

Speaker 1 7:05

Dr Jenny was taught.

Speaker 2 7:08

I think I'm going to use abundance. I like that example better. So in the money-wise situation, when you're overthinking life, you have a tendency yes, we create our reality. Yes, we are in what we put out energy-wise, we get back. That is all part of our spiritual beliefs and our living and that's how we live. But the big part of that that a lot of people get confused is in the process of creating their reality. They have a tendency to create scenarios of stuff they know nothing about or they shouldn't even be creating. So they're building an expectation on what the reality is supposed to be and don't even really know what it's supposed to be.

Speaker 1 7:59

And so you create a bottleneck the story or the picture just so I can reconfirm what you're talking about of what it should look like in your head and that inadvertently creates a situation where you're not only not allowing that version to come in, but you're not allowing an expanded version of that, if it were to be.

Speaker 2 8:24

Right, it's a very limiting practice yeah, and when you, when you get to a spot, to where you are creating scenarios in your head of how something should look and then hanging on to that, and then hanging on to that yeah, we were hanging.

Speaker 2 8:39

You know, I see people do it in jobs. I see people do it in life. I see people doing relationships and money and sex and whatever. They create this scenario in their head of how they want their reality to look in this specific topic. And it is okay to have beliefs and patterns and program that create that reality. But it's not okay when you put parameters or expectations on that reality to look this way, because you put it out there in the world and you create your reality. You have to let it go. You know. You have to be okay with either way for when it happens, whatever happens, because you don't know the steps by which you're going to get there.

Speaker 2 9:19

You know we don't. Yes, we have crystal balls in our world. Yes, we have crystal balls in our world. But when you don't have anything, that's going to tell you A, if I do this, this is going to happen, and then that's going to happen, and then that's going to happen and this is going to happen. All we do is we say listen, I want to get here. Spirit, take the wheel. And when you start, creating those scenarios in your head.

Speaker 2 9:48

Those scenarios are based off your beliefs, patterns and programs right when your beliefs are not in the right place for where you are now, you know, like your belief of you have wifely chores.

Speaker 1 9:54

Otherwise I'm not going to be happy well, yeah, and that was that's something that came up for me is to, to give you guys insight on what he's talking about In my definition of being a good wife air quote what baggage still lived there is. If I don't provide my man with sex as a wifely duty, he's going to go somewhere else to get it.

Speaker 2 10:22

I'm still, after all these years, I'm still carrying that bullshit around well, yeah, and you're using a sex example, but you were doing in a lot of other topics as well, right, but I, because we've been talking about spiritual sex.

Speaker 1 10:35

I thought I would bring that in, since that's the most recent thing this last couple of days that I the shadow work that I've been doing for myself, because, man, I'm tired of lugging that fucking baggage around right.

Speaker 2 10:47

I mean, like the example I told you this morning, I can say in the car man, I'm hungry and all I'm doing is kind of communicating verbally that I'm setting the intention that I'm gonna go get something to eat and Dr Jenny will go through her entire bag of goodies that she has. Okay, do you want peanuts? Do you want crackers? Do you want peanuts? Do you want crackers, do you want? And I'm like no, no, no, because I know what she carries. What it does is from this side of the plate. It puts me in a weird position.

Speaker 1 11:15

How so.

Speaker 2 11:16

You've gotten irritated when you say caca pues.

Speaker 1 11:20

You know, in Spanish I was taught that that meant OK, you want shit instead.

Speaker 2 11:27

Right when I go through that list and I'm like no, no, no, because I'm thinking in my head what I want to eat.

Speaker 1 11:32

Yeah.

Speaker 2 11:33

And you get to the end. You're frustrated because you just offered me everything you have. I've stated I'm hungry and somehow you've taken it on the ownership of it. It's your responsibility to make sure I eat.

Speaker 1 11:43

Right of. It's your responsibility to make sure I eat Right and I. The funky part about it is I didn't realize that I was doing that because I still was hanging on to. It's my wifely duty to make sure that you've got something to eat. I cloaked it as I am doing it because this is the bag of stuff I have and I'm kindly just offering what I have to you and if you want to eat it, you do, and if you don't, you don't. Right, that's how I saw it.

Speaker 2 12:10

Yeah, but.

Speaker 1 12:11

I didn't see the accountability in the real place of. I'm still hanging on to that bullshit of oh it's my wifely responsibility to put my wife cape on and go into action because he said he's hungry. And the vision that pops up is my grandmother, the devout Pentecostal one. That's exactly what she. That's her whole lot in life to make sure that the man is fed and he eats before the children do.

Speaker 2 12:49

And that was how the whole household was.

Speaker 1 12:51

He got his plate first and she made it for him. She took it to him. Wifely duty.

Speaker 2 12:57

So what's?

Speaker 1 12:58

coming up right this minute is this image, and that's exactly where I created my template from was watching her do that.

Speaker 2 13:06

Yeah, well, you said it right, is you mask it? A lot of people have a tendency to do that, so and that's where I was kind of going with this is it's overthinking things. And it's over because I am like I don't know how many times I've told you in our relationship together I'm a big boy, I can do my laundry, I can cook my own clothes, yeah, my own house well, and in the, in the first parts of our relationship and maybe even now I don't see my energy but definitely in the first parts of our relationship.

Speaker 1 13:33

I kind of got offended at that Like you're not letting me do my wifely duty.

Speaker 2 13:41

And so and it becomes a masking, Because when I tell you I don't need need the things, it's kind of like the same scenario when you said if you're going to cheat with somebody, it makes sure you take me right. It's kind of the same scenario is it when I take away the responsibilities that you have as a belief, it you'll ask wow, what the fuck am I supposed to do then? Yeah, but then you don't need me.

Speaker 1 14:09

What am I supposed to do?

Speaker 2 14:10

what I choose you.

Speaker 1 14:11

I don't need you, right, but that's the kind of existential crisis where I've got to redefine everything right and go into a whole, create a whole, nother grid or matrix, if you will of. Okay, then what's the fucking point of being your wife? If what, what does wife mean?

Speaker 2 14:29

you're salty today, aren't you?

Speaker 1 14:30

I am salty man.

Speaker 2 14:31

I got up in that f-bomb a lot what?

Speaker 1 14:35

what's the point in being the wife? What does the wife definition mean? What is why did I? Why did I do this, then? What does that mean?

Speaker 2 14:44

do you think it comes with responsibilities?

Speaker 1 14:47

I did yeah at one point in my life.

Speaker 2 14:49

And there's a lot of people that do think that.

Speaker 1 14:51

And I fall back on that inadvertently, subconsciously, if I'm not careful.

Speaker 2 14:57

Right, and I think this is a very crucial part of our work.

Speaker 1 15:03

I built a whole nursing career where I'm basically like, for example, in the ER or in the OR. I have created an entire career of being someone's proverbial wife yeah, Anticipating what tool they're going to need next or what thing they're going to need next, so that I'm right there by their side performing that work wife duty of giving them what they need.

Speaker 2 15:31

an entire career built around that perspective yeah, I know, I totally understand a lot of people do. When you, when you start masking it and you start trying to hide it behind things, it is a belief you should really look at. Because when you have a relationship where you have two independent people that come together and choose, when you have two independent people that come together, when one brings beliefs into the relationship that I don't need somebody, I choose to be with you yeah and the other one brings in that I have to do something to be chosen right.

The Truth About Relationship Expectations

Speaker 2 16:04

It can cause a really weird dynamic it can. It can, definitely it can make a wonky situation and people may be asking themselves well, what do I? How do I change that? Because yeah, you know in today's society. Yes, 50 years ago the wife having wifely duties was normal, right, you know the? Because they were single income households. Now every household just about has two incomes.

Speaker 1 16:31

Yeah.

Speaker 2 16:32

Both people work.

Speaker 1 16:33

Right.

Speaker 2 16:33

But yet we still have this weird dynamic that it's the woman's responsibility to take care of the children. The man comes home, pops open a beer and sits in the recliner.

Speaker 1 16:41

Right.

Speaker 2 16:41

And how is that balanced and how is that fair? She just worked 40 hours a week, that week too.

Speaker 1 16:46

Exactly.

Speaker 2 16:47

Because I can tell you why Because the women still get viewed that they don't work as hard as men.

Speaker 1 16:51

Yeah.

Speaker 2 16:52

And raising kids and working 40 hours a week is not always an easy job.

Speaker 1 16:57

No.

Speaker 2 16:59

When it comes to today's world, when you have people that bring in those values in there is they're useless. It's useless because all it does is cause, first of all, the person bringing them in issues and, second of all, it now creates a problem for the other person well, the person bringing them in, and I can talk on that behalf.

Speaker 1 17:21

I felt a sense of don't get me wrong, I have baggage too what's my oh God, what's my purpose then, right, I found myself lost on, okay. Well then, I don't know what this means and I don't know how to do this, and it almost, for a time in our relationship, caused a kind of panic situation of why am I here, why am I doing? This Like what's the point? And I was lost and had to figure out what. What is my new right? What is my new purpose, then, in all of this?

Speaker 2 17:56

and that's where relationships go really weird yeah when people don't know how to live and in a way that they that some other person doesn't need them, without aconditionally, without a purpose right.

Speaker 2 18:09

I choose to be with you. I don't need you to do my laundry, I don't need you to run my bathwater, I don't need you to go to the refrigerator and get me a beer. I choose to be with you independently and honor you who you are and where you are, and when people in relationships now can come to a point to where it includes sex.

Speaker 1 18:30

Yeah, it's part of the whole paradigm of wifely duty that's incorporated in it too off of a to-do list like you would house chores instead of giving it the space to move around and actually be a thing that you experience from a place of enjoyment. Yeah, and not obligation that's the key.

Speaker 2 18:59

That's the key right there, right, because there's no room for us to are.

Speaker 1 19:03

You know, I can only speak for myself, but there's there's no room for me to enjoy it, because it's an obligation and I'm just trying to check it off of a list. Okay, this is a chore done this week, right along with laundry and dishes and everything else, so I'm not leaving any room for it to take on any other persona.

Speaker 2 19:23

Agreed. And that brings me to a place, to where this is where unintended consequences come into play, because there are people that joke around about. I'll tell you how to keep your man happy and not cheating on you, you keep his belly full and his balls drained. I've heard that joke a million times. I've seen it just today on YouTube shorts. Well, first of all, I'm going to challenge men to step up and be independent, first of all.

Speaker 1 19:51

Right.

Speaker 2 19:52

Second of all, newsflash. Ladies, y'all ready for this? We are no matter what you do. If your man's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, that's right. It has nothing to do with you keeping his belly full and his balls drained. It ain't got nothing to do with it. Belly full and his balls drained ain't got nothing to do with it. If he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. It ain't got nothing to do with that. And it doesn't mean it ain't got nothing to do with you right.

Speaker 1 20:13

It doesn't mean that you're um unworthy of love or unworthy of perfection or you know any of that garbage that comes up with when. When you're talking about that stuff, I can only speak for me. What was tangled up in it was if I'm not perfect, then I am not worth loving. If I don't do all of my wifely duties, then I don't deserve love.

Speaker 2 20:46

Do my laundry lady, Because I am not man enough to wash my own clothes.

Speaker 1 20:53

And I'm going to give you 50 lashes with the thumb-sized switch that I find out in the yard, right.

Speaker 2 21:04

And this is the crazy part about this, and I've actually worked with somebody that said this. The woman was in counseling and she says he always expects me to do his laundry. I work too, and I have to cook, I have to take care of the baby, and he sits and watches TV in the chair and I'll hand him the baby and go through all that, right? And I said well, have you asked him to do his own laundry? He says he don't know how. So you have a man that is an engineer, that goes all day long and figures out how to use different tools and how to build things.

Speaker 1 21:38

How to build a fucking rocket that goes to the moon.

Speaker 2 21:41

But he doesn't know how to work a washing machine, right? First of all, I don't know if y'all ever heard this before, but I call bullshit, we call bullshit, right. So that's a challenge I'm going to put out there to the man is, first of all, quit, quit, just quit. We are 50 years, 70 years past that crap, right, you know, take care of your dang self and enjoy your life with somebody you choose to be with, not somebody you want to live to wait on you hand and foot. That is ridiculous, right, it is just a.

Speaker 1 22:15

If you want that, move back in with your mommy right, go live in your mama's basement, for god's sake.

Speaker 2 22:22

you know it's like it because it it makes like me. Cause don't get me wrong, I wasn't perfect for a good number of years and I'm still not perfect to this day. But you know, I have been in bad spots in relationships. I have cheated, I have done all sorts of things in relationships. But what I did do is learn. I did become somebody different.

Speaker 1 22:43

Yeah. And I, because I chose to be, to be somebody different and I don't need anybody.

Speaker 2 22:50

And and when we have these guys out here that are setting these standards, and these moms and these grandmas are teaching these daughters these responsibilities, and these, these men that aren't raising their sons or telling their sons yeah, you're just perpetuating, you're just perpetuating this freaking cycle of things that's not going to go nowhere.

Speaker 1 23:12

Yeah, and then they become adults who are in therapy because their life is not working.

Speaker 2 23:18

Or they end up divorced a hundred times.

Speaker 1 23:20

Right, and they have to get therapy and try and figure all that shit out, right.

Speaker 2 23:28

And here's the crazy part about this is it's very easy, yeah, and it's one sentence that all you have to do is dad's sons, whoever they are, and you, any guy out there. It's one sentence and it's I am man enough to take care of myself or I am woman woman enough to take care of myself I don't need somebody else. I choose to have somebody else that's right and I'm not, definitely not going to compile my responsibilities on somebody else right that is not being a man that's not being a leader.

Speaker 1 24:05

It's not being a leader. Well, it's not just the men. Women do it too right, I totally agree, and so there's women out there that take that reverse role and expect the man to do everything, while they sit around blowing the polish dry on their fingers right.

Speaker 2 24:22

I had to heard somebody making fun of somebody that one day here, but I don't know six, seven months ago that he, because he was a stay-at-home dad, the wife was the breadwinner. He stayed home with the kids.

Speaker 1 24:32

Yeah.

Speaker 2 24:33

And there was actually a couple people making fun of him. I told him I'm like, bro, just do you, man, if it's a negotiated thing between you two then do it. That's fine, it's not a big deal. But there were it's not a big deal, but there was other people that were saying oh, you're not man, you're not taking care of your family, and he is taking care of his family. He's probably actually going to raise two very good kids. And he, he said I, I take care of the house.

Speaker 1 24:57

When she comes home, she don't have to do nothing yeah, and if that's how the negotiation is panned out for them and it works and and I agree with that scenario.

Speaker 2 25:07

If one person works and the other one, doesn't matter the gender right.

Speaker 1 25:11

It's what works in your particular situation and what the two of you've communicated and negotiated your gives and takes correct, 100 correct, but anyway.

Speaker 2 25:23

So the perpetuation of this pattern of evolution between couples over the last 50 to 70 years is the most ridiculous thing and shame on this society. We need to fix it, you know everybody is equal. Everybody should be taking care of themselves and choosing to be, and I guarantee you divorce rates will drop way down when people come into the relationship with the thought of I don't need you to take care of me, I don't need you to provide me with anything.

Speaker 1 26:00

But I am choosing you to spend my life with you, all these wifely duties. It's very freeing to have a relationship such as ours, where I was able to let go of that baggage and really experience a new kind of relationship without the have-tos.

Speaker 2 26:20

Right, and this brings me back. I get to.

Speaker 1 26:23

And so then what?

Speaker 2 26:24

happens, you get to. That's a good way to put it.

Speaker 1 26:27

I don't have to now. I get to if I want to.

Speaker 2 26:30

Right.

Speaker 1 26:31

But because it was such a long practiced habit. Sometimes even I get caught in an unaware state and I begin to tell the story that overthinks the situation.

Speaker 2 26:46

Totally agree. We all do it to an extent in certain ways.

Speaker 1 26:49

And so you know. So what do we do about it?

Speaker 2 26:53

Like me. I open your car door every time we go somewhere, Right? Do I have to do that? Do you expect me to do that? No, I get to do that.

Speaker 1 27:01

Right, exactly.

Speaker 2 27:03

I do it out of respect and love, because I chose you. You chose to be with me, and doorknobs shouldn't be in your hand.

Speaker 1 27:11

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:12

It's just I'm sorry, it's just me, right? But? That used to be me. Don't get me wrong, that didn't used to be me. But in my change of life, in my changing myself, I changed a lot of my practices.

Speaker 1 27:25

Right, but you did it because you wanted to.

Speaker 2 27:29

That's right.

Speaker 1 27:30

I did it by myself, not because somebody said oh, you're going to open my door or we're not going to be together.

Speaker 2 27:38

Right, I didn't like who I had become.

Speaker 1 27:40

Right.

Speaker 2 27:40

And so I became somebody different.

Speaker 1 27:42

But the key is that you made that change because that's who you wanted to become. You made that change because that's who you wanted to become, and what? One of the the one of the things that you wanted to embrace and do right. I have no regrets for who I was, but I'm very proud of who I am now yeah, I mean, that's how it works really, and so, uh, I guess, if you know, people are out there and they're like okay, well then, how do I start? What do I do? What's the first step?

Speaker 2 28:13

And this is pretty easy. I think the first step of this scenario is stopping to realize that you're bringing problems to the table, that it's not the other person's fault. If there's something that is bothering you, that's on you.

Speaker 1 28:27

That's the first thing you have to realize yeah, that's the first thing is is that if it's bugging you, then it's your problem?

Speaker 1 28:33

it's your problem, not theirs you gotta dig in there and you gotta look at that right, you can't deflect if it, if it's not bothering you, then there there's no belief or anything in there and you give it no definition. You give it no emotion because there's no point, it's not bugging you. So the minute that it starts to feel uncomfortable or offensive or blame, whatever, whatever those emotions are that it triggers inside of you, that's a big indicator that you've got some work to do you.

Speaker 2 29:07

You've got some stuff to look at. There's alarm bells going off on that belief.

Speaker 1 29:11

Yeah, exactly Right. And you know you kind of like the conversation and one of those things that is more than likely happening is you're telling yourself a story that's a lie.

Speaker 2 29:24

Yeah.

Speaker 1 29:24

Hence overthinking things.

Speaker 2 29:27

That's right. Hey way to bring it back out.

Speaker 1 29:29

They used to be my job, but heaven and so if you've come to the discovery point where you're, you've created a story in your head and you're not sure if it's accurate or if it's just an outright lie that you've told yourself to make things feel better, go to your partner and say listen, I've been tooling around with this, this is what I've come up with. Can you help me by identifying? Is this just a dumb ass lie I'm telling myself, or is this something that has any truth to it whatsoever and talk it out with your person?

Speaker 2 30:06

yes and that'll enhance communication.

Relationships Are About Choice

Speaker 1 30:09

That'll give you a sounding board and it will identify, because if he looks at you and says you're telling the all right lie now you can't get offended or have your feelings hurt because you went to him and asked for that verification. You got to just big girl up or man up and say, all right, I asked for that and it's a lie. Now what am I going to do with it?

Speaker 2 30:33

and that is the number two part of it that you perfectly said, that I think you worded that well. I said I would add one little thing to that. Yeah, is when you open the door to a belief and you bring it up to your partner to communicate it is. You have to be understanding that sometimes that person's going to say, listen, I don't know where that's coming from.

Speaker 1 30:58

Your shit stinks.

Speaker 2 30:59

But that is a dirty diaper.

Speaker 1 31:01

Yeah, and you've got to be open and receptive if you're going to bring the person in from a place of okay, I asked for it. Don't ask for something that you can't handle without going into a place of defensiveness and create an all-out argument. War over because you asked for the information. Asked for the information, right. Don't turn it into an argument and take it defensively like the other person, be it he or the she, of the or the he and the he, whatever your partner's gender is makes no difference, right? But if you bring it up to your partner as a sounding board, make sure you're ready for what comes out of that person's mouth when you ask for the assistance in clarifying whether it's just a dumbass lie and you're ready to get rid of it. Don't go into defense mode because it'll create an argument.

Speaker 2 31:58

See, that's one thing that I do Like when I bring something to you that we can talk about. If I need to talk about something, yeah. I don't look at you as my wife. I look at you as my counselor, and I do it from a different perspective. Yeah, you know like yesterday when we were talking to Misty Misty Nichols, by the way, she owns a fortune teller seller and she's on Facebook. Look her up. She is a tarot reader and probably one of the best tarot readers that I have ever experienced in my life.

Speaker 1 32:22

Yeah.

Speaker 2 32:23

But she said it well yesterday when she said people come to me and they get mad when I tell them things and she says to them listen, it ain't me that's talking, it's you. And if you can't take what you're hearing, it's on you, because these are your cards. I mean, this is your reading, it's not my reading. You're not reading me. These cards are reading you.

Speaker 1 32:47

That's right.

Speaker 2 32:50

And so when you go to have that conversation and understand that approach, that person in a way of, I really truly want to know the answer to this question and be open-minded, you can't get defensive.

Speaker 1 33:03

And accountable, and accountable. I totally agree. By golly, shadow work is not a fucking spa day.

Speaker 2 33:08

There's a reason why it's called shadow work.

Speaker 1 33:10

And be careful what you ask for the minute that you ask for a tarot reading or the minute that you ask to talk to your partner and bounce it off of them. Know what you're going into and be open to receive whatever constructive criticism comes out in a true. I'm ready to receive this. I'm ready to look at the nitty-gritty dirt of it and do something about it. Not from that martyr victim place uh, I going to passively aggressively turn this into a narcissistic.

Speaker 1 33:47

Well, I do that. Because you do this bullshit thing? Because that's not beneficial to anybody.

Speaker 2 33:53

And it starts fights, and sometimes it's people's first nature, because that was really my first nature for a very long time.

Speaker 1 33:59

If that's where you're at, then don't even bother having the conversation. Then don't even bother having the conversation. Keep it to yourself until you're absolutely 100% ready for that person to have whatever come out of their mouth. Because even if you go to them and say, okay, I want to pass this by you, but I really want you to sugarcoat it because I'm a tit bag.

Speaker 1 34:20

That's not beneficial. It's not helpful. Don't waste their time and don't freaking waste your time if you're not ready to get hardcore about it and take what they're telling you uncoated with sugar and freaking deal with it Right. If you're not ready to get real about it? Then wallow in your crap and move on.

Speaker 2 34:42

Yeah, totally agree. You know, and there's another part to that. It's like for me, when I bring something to you, that's baggage for me and we talk through it and it's pattern or belief or whatever it is going on. When I bring it to you, I have to change who I am as well, how. So when I bring something to the table and it gets brought up, and if it makes me emotional, it has to be okay. You have to allow the emotional guidance system to work its process and so making yourself especially on the side of the masculinity side we have a tendency to not allow our emotions to show.

Speaker 1 35:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

Speaker 2 35:30

And emotions are part of our life. And if you can't be man enough to have emotions, then you're not or be masculine. Let me rephrase it's not even about man and woman. Who cares what sex it is. It doesn't matter what sex it is. If you are not a strong, spiritually grounded human enough to allow your emotions to guide you through the process of changing the way you think and making yourself feel better, then what are you doing?

Speaker 1 35:55

Right, because nine times out of ten, not allowing yourself to experience the emotions of a situation just keeps you in that trauma loop. Yeah, because you're not dealing with the emotions, you're keeping them bottled up. And that just holds the energy of that thing and not allowing you to release it fully. That is 100% correct you got to have the emotions in it, Whether that be tears or anger or whatever.

Speaker 2 36:25

whatever that is I, I totally agree, and I think that I'm going to tell every, I'm going to tell everybody the secret to a relationship you ready, everybody's going to hear this this is the secret to all relationships if you want to have an awesome relationship do too, you ready yeah, they don't have to be with you, they choose to be with you.

Speaker 1 36:46

Bingo.

Speaker 2 36:48

They don't have to do anything.

Speaker 1 36:50

That's right.

Speaker 2 36:50

They can choose to get up and leave today. They can choose to stay with you today. Yeah, they can choose to hold your hand when they walk. They can choose to run in front of you 100 yards because they're embarrassed by you. It is their choice, and when you have enough respect for yourself to understand that that person is with you because they're choosing to be with you, it will change the way you look at everything.

Speaker 1 37:12

But it will also change for them.

Speaker 2 37:14

And change for them as well.

Speaker 1 37:17

When they are no longer obligated to perform.

Speaker 2 37:19

That's right.

Speaker 1 37:20

Then it gives them freedom as well, and then you get to experience a relationship where freedom is the name of the game.

Speaker 2 37:29

That's right.

Speaker 1 37:29

And every single second and every single moment has the opportunity to take on its own like just amazing energy, because it hasn't been predefined or pre boxed of. It's got to look this way, or it's got to look that way, or it's not right, or I've got to perform this or she's not going to be happy, or I've totally performed this, or he's not going to be happy. When you can break free from all that nonsense and come to that place of you know what? I sit here because I choose to be there. That.

Speaker 2 38:02

That's right.

Speaker 1 38:03

He sits there because he chooses to. It not only allows me the freedom of that choice, but it allows the freedom of that choice on your side as well. Then the relationship morphs into a whole nother thing, completely.

Speaker 2 38:24

Right, that's another part of this. The the last part I think for for me in this conversation is you know, you and I, when we first got together, we said we're not going to get married because that, because the paper doesn't mean anything. Yeah, all it does is a marriage certificate comes with that societal taught responsibilities Boxed in.

Speaker 2 38:47

And the reality is is marriage is a choice. Yeah, relationships are a choice, right, you know? Like? You know, like the first time I got married, we went in front of the pastor and he said, okay, okay, james, you have to love, honor, respect, obey, be a good present man, a man of God. You have to do all of these things. And I was like, oh, no, what, but wait.

Speaker 1 39:27

And so marriage certificates come with these societal taught crap yeah it's also programmed energy of expectation and judgment right you and I agreed to not ever get married.

Speaker 2 39:40

We ended up marrying during covid because we heard the stuff that was going on. The part of it for me is the parameters and all the crap that comes with that piece of paper. That is not freedom.

Speaker 1 39:53

No.

Speaker 2 39:55

That is basically paying the state to tax you to enslave some of the other person. It doesn't make any dang sense.

Speaker 1 40:03

Yeah, it's a. It's a legal form of slavery.

Speaker 2 40:08

Almost you know and I you know don't get me wrong, I'm not bad mouth of marriage and I'm not saying any of that kind of stuff. That's not what I mean.

Speaker 2 40:16

For us what I mean is when you enter into that relationship and you, if you go to get married to somebody, because you all both choose to be with somebody, with the other person, don't take that for granted and don't fall into that societal top belief that I've got to love, honor, obey, respect everything my man says, because is till death, do us part if you spiritually have a death aspect of you where you recreate a whole new you, because you've learned everything that you needed to learn from that individual.

Speaker 1 41:10

That's a form of death. So, then that gives you the permission to divorce them.

Speaker 2 41:16

Yep.

Speaker 1 41:18

It does.

Speaker 2 41:19

Yep.

Speaker 1 41:20

So I'm not going to hell.

Speaker 2 41:21

Nope.

Speaker 1 41:23

Can I get an applause? You know why, why.

Speaker 2 41:29

Because that piece of paper wasn't made by spirit. That piece of paper is a way for you to be taxed. It has nothing to do with beliefs and it definitely has nothing to do with relationships right yeah, it's fun to hang on the wall and say oh, mr and Mrs Emory, thank you.

Speaker 1 41:50

Does anybody?

Speaker 2 41:51

actually, we don't even know where our merch certificate is. Actually we do. We found it when we got the passports.

Speaker 1 41:57

I was going to say I had to drag it up and find it because we had to have it for the passports so we could go on our cruise.

Speaker 2 42:03

Yeah.

Speaker 1 42:04

I don't think anybody actually hangs it on the wall, do they? Maybe some people do, they hang it on the wall.

Speaker 2 42:11

Oh my god, that's crazy and the place where we were yesterday.

Speaker 1 42:15

It was hanging on the wall really yes, oh wow, I shouldn't laugh so hard.

Speaker 2 42:25

Yeah, wow, it's hanging on the wall, but anyway. And so just to everybody, to kind of clarify and top everything off in this scenario is it is not your job to take care of your person, it is your job to respect them and choose to be with them and respect their beliefs and where they are.

Speaker 1 42:45

Right. And so what does that mean? That means like I'll give a couple of examples Like, for example, if your breadcrumb is, you know what? I've got some unfinished business. I need to go follow this breadcrumb to the casino.

Speaker 2 43:02

Oh, I did that to you. That was two weeks ago, yeah.

Stop Overthinking and Choose Freedom

Speaker 1 43:06

My respect to you is is that okay? Cool, you got to follow some breadcrumbs and your offer back is do you want to go? And I, at that point, I get to choose right do I want to go?

Speaker 1 43:21

it's not my breadcrumb. Or do I want to stay home and you go take your journey yourself? And that is a very freeing feeling versus the way I used to run, which was, oh my God. My man says he's doing this. I, as a loving wife, it's my wifely duty to go and support him and honor whatever this is. Even if I don't freaking want to do it, I must attend this thing and stand by his side. There's even a song stand by my man, stand by your man.

Speaker 2 43:57

It's a 50 song, of course right, and so I.

Speaker 1 44:02

I could stand there and I could say it doesn't matter to me personally either way in that situation, whether I stay or whether I go. Okay, so then, do I truly do I want to go and check out the casino for myself, or would I rather stay at home? What's the enjoyment factor there?

Speaker 2 44:24

either way.

Speaker 1 44:25

And then I make the choice.

Speaker 2 44:28

Nine times out of ten.

Speaker 1 44:30

Freedom Nine times out of ten. I go because I'm curious about what this whole adventure is for you and. I enjoy watching it unfold for you. So a lot of times I'll go just so I can watch it.

Speaker 2 44:42

It didn't unfold very well for me last time. It wasn't very much fun. I learned something. That's all that matters.

Speaker 1 44:49

But anyway, that's what it boils down to is don't overthink it.

Speaker 2 44:53

Right, don't overthink life.

Speaker 1 44:55

I'll give you an example of overthinking that simple scenario. Okay, wait. Okay. So he is going to go to the casino. I don't really want to go, but if I don't go, he's going to think that I'm not supporting him or that I don't love him, or that I am not going to honor his place where he's at in his journey. Then I'm going to look like a bad wife. And then we're going to come home and I'm going to have some resentment because I had to go instead of because I would rather I would rather be at home watching tv in my sweatpants this is my one and only day off too.

Speaker 1 45:35

how dare him drag me into this nonsense of this stupid journey that he's on, when I would rather be on my couch watching a disney movie my sweatpants?

Speaker 2 45:45

And eating your chocolate ice cream.

Speaker 1 45:47

Like that's overthinking a boxed-in perspective.

Speaker 2 45:52

All I wanted you to say is do you want to go or not?

Speaker 1 45:55

It's a question of hey, like I'm going to go follow this spiritual breadcrumb, I'm inviting you to go if you want to. If you don't, it's cool with me either way.

Speaker 2 46:09

I don't care don't overthink it and and don't think that that doesn't that that means that that person doesn't want you to go right it's just, it's freedom in this example, I do want you to always go with me right right but it's your choice, right? I don't own you, I ain your daddy.

Speaker 1 46:25

But if I had done that whole overthinking process, essentially what could have?

Speaker 2 46:33

You said, if I had done, you did do that.

Speaker 1 46:36

I did. Yeah, we talked about it Really.

Speaker 2 46:39

Yeah, you were like I really don't want to go, but I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 46:52

And then I asked you like why did you go if you didn't want to go? Oh, so I was speaking like the truth.

Speaker 2 46:55

Yeah, see, see, guys, what happens like I'm just human.

Speaker 1 46:56

My poop stinks, just like yours does, man. Yeah, well then it can take you to a place of resentment and you resent him for dragging you into that dumb ass situation and don't fall into the trap either and there's no point in resenting him because he didn't do anything wrong. Your own dumb ass story and your own dumb ass baggage my dumb ass, overthinking my dumb ass, not just speaking my truth and saying no, you know what? I want to stay home and hang out on my couch.

Speaker 2 47:26

Yeah.

Speaker 1 47:27

I need to be resenting myself.

Speaker 2 47:29

Right, yeah.

Speaker 1 47:32

The resentment needs to be pointed right back at me, because I'm the one that didn't honor my truth of what I really wanted to do, because I am still trying to honor some dumbass baggage of wifely duty paradigm.

Speaker 2 47:42

Yeah, totally the.

Speaker 1 47:43

June Cleaver syndrome. Yeah, we done with that.

Speaker 2 47:47

yeah, put a match, check it out, strike that match do you kind of finish out this topic because we're getting pressed on time here is understand this. Really, you can make your life so much easier. Understand, first of all, that everybody has a choice. It is a choice for them to be with you and if you're, if you're allowing your mind to wander on things and assume on things, just remind yourself that that person is choosing to be with me and that what you may be putting around in your head in the story is probably just an outright lie yeah, totally 100.

Speaker 2 48:23

It probably 99% of the time it is a lie.

Speaker 1 48:25

Yeah.

Speaker 2 48:26

Now there are the rare occasions that it's not a lie. It is what it is and remember it's a choice. They don't have to be with you.

Closing Thoughts and Announcements

Speaker 1 48:34

And you don't have to be with them.

Speaker 2 48:36

That's right. Hey guys, don't forget to like, follow and share. Hey, check out our website, wwwthemerchcentersorg. The Spiritual Grind is on YouTube. You can actually link it from our website and our Salty Tarot store is up and running. You can get Spiritual Grind merch on there and you can get Salty Tarot merch. And you can also what else? Salty Tarot merch, spiritual Grind, merc Center merch.

Speaker 1 49:03

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, merc.

Speaker 2 49:05

Center merch. If you go on instagram, look up the salty tarot and follow us. It's not salty tarot. It's the salty tarot, if you would like, follow and share them as well, because we are posting in there starting next week. So go ahead and follow the page and you'll get notification when the world famous app comes out oh yeah, and we are still working on the videos.

Speaker 1 49:26

We haven't worked.

Speaker 2 49:27

Yeah.

Speaker 1 49:27

We haven't forget about that.

Speaker 2 49:29

I'm waiting for some software downloads.

Speaker 1 49:32

We're having to go through the learning curve of how to put a video together and all of that.

Speaker 2 49:38

So sometimes learning curves- If it was just one person, it would be easy, but there's two of us, right? And so you have to have three to four cameras and you have to have multi-camera view in studio. If you want to do it right, you do. You don't want to do it right.

Speaker 1 49:51

You don't want to just do some dumb jackass video If you want to give it justice. Right, so we're going through that learning phase, but they are coming, don't give up on us.

Speaker 2 50:02

I actually thought about us going to that place that you could do your podcast in their studio.

Speaker 1 50:09

You pay them to do it, and then they video it and do all that Maybe I didn't know that existed.

Speaker 2 50:14

Yeah, there's one here. Anyway, that's really all I got.

Speaker 1 50:20

Ring that bell.

Speaker 2 50:22

Oh yeah, for your notifications, all righty, hey, y'all have an awesome day.

Speaker 1 50:29

Love you.

Speaker 2 50:30

That was my sexy voice. We'll see you next time.