Throwback: Stay Away From Grandma With Cigarettes

We are throwing it back to Season 1 Episode 40: Why are summer family gatherings sometimes easier to handle than winter ones? As we discover in this raw and revealing episode, it might simply be because you can escape to the backyard when things get tense. But even with more exit strategies, Fourth of July celebrations can still produce lasting trauma.

Transcript

Fourth Of July Weekend Kickoff

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies Podcast. We may not have seen it all, but we've seen enough. And now, here are your hosts, Chrissy and Carrie.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Hello, junkies. I'm Carrie. And I'm Chrissy. Happy Fourth of July weekend. Oh no. I mean, yes, happy Fourth of July.

KERRY 0:32

What better thing to talk about is the summer family get-together of the Fourth of July.

CHRISY 0:39

I guess. Some people might think it's better to get it together with friends, but I think that might be true of a lot of family holiday type things.

KERRY 0:48

Yeah. We were talking a little bit before the show, but we were saying that the one nice thing about the summer family get-togethers is you can get away from each other. To some extent, yes.

CHRISY 0:59

I I feel and I'm sure that people listening might say not true, that they've seen some horrific things happen during the summer holiday get-togethers. I have no doubt. But just personal experience, I feel like because you're not confined in inside somewhere, that it seems like the at least on my part, less, less problems.

KERRY 1:21

Yeah, definitely. I I do remember that it was I always enjoyed the summer family get-togethers better than the ones in the you know November, December. And it was because I could get away, I could escape, I could hide, I could whatever I had to do. Uh, but I didn't have those options when we were stuck in the snow in the house and stuff like that. So

A Grandma Crosses A Line

KERRY 1:40

but I get it. There was still drama. Oh, sure. Oh yeah. Absolutely. My best 4th of July memory, my one of my earliest 4th of July memories, is we were out sitting around the picnic table having, you know, 4th of July food and watermelon and all the wonderful things. My grandmother was a smoker, so I'm sure she enjoyed coming to the family holiday in the summer because she could smoke outside, but she couldn't smoke in the house. So she was puffing away out there. But I do remember she was pissed off about something. And I don't know, maybe she was pissed off at me. I don't know. But somehow I was sitting next to her and I remember her being mad. And I remember she uh took that cigarette and put it right on my hand. And I'm not kidding you. And the ashtray was kind of nearby, and she was like, Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to put that out in the ashtray, but no, she put it out on my hand.

CHRISY 2:29

That is right out of that Sybil.

KERRY 2:31

It is a TV show.

CHRISY 2:32

Yep.

KERRY 2:33

That is crazy. That is my first fourth of the show.

CHRISY 2:35

Did nobody like say what the hell, Mom? What the hell did you like your one of your parents? Or nope. Who else saw her do this?

KERRY 2:42

Everyone at the table.

CHRISY 2:43

Carrie, you had to have a serious burn on your hand.

KERRY 2:45

I did for the longest time. Actually, I should look and see. For the longest time, you could still see it. It's kind of probably grown out or covered with age spots now. But yeah, for the longest time, you could always see that spot on my hand. I know.

CHRISY 2:57

That is what do you think she was mad at you? A grandchild. How can you be that mad at somebody?

KERRY 3:02

I don't know what she was. I really and I I don't know. She might have been mad at my mom. She I I have no idea. I don't remember that part. It was overridden by the piercing pain. And me as a child, just I just remember sitting there and it hurt, but I, for whatever reason, also knew don't react, you know? So I just sat there. How do you not react? And I went, I remember going into the house and putting a cold cloth, and then I found a closet to cry in or something. No one came to find me, no one came to look after me. I don't I don't know.

CHRISY 3:35

This is one of the and we've talked about some pretty horrible things as far as just like uh shit that's happening function.

KERRY 3:42

Yeah.

CHRISY 3:42

This has gotta be up there.

KERRY 3:44

Yeah, no wonder I'm effed up.

CHRISY 3:46

Yeah. So I've the fact that you're able to say that in general you don't remember the the summer ones being bad. This is pretty bad.

KERRY 3:55

I know, but that was but I but this is what I'm saying. This was my first big memory of Fourth of July. And I think after that, I pretty much always well, I never sat next to grandma again whenever she was smoking. That's for sure.

CHRISY 4:08

Uh-huh. She walked around. What do you mean? Like she wasn't in a wheelchair or anything.

KERRY 4:12

Oh god, no, no. She was phys perfectly physically able. Yeah. Oh, this is the same one who w drove, made me drive drunk. Right. Or when she was drunk. Yes, yeah. Same person.

CHRISY 4:22

So I was just gonna say after the cigarette thing, I would have if she was in a wheelchair, I would have found a fairly steep hill and took grandma for a walk and then like, whoops, whoops, just like when you said put the cigarette out on my hand, whoops. I didn't see it.

KERRY 4:36

I'll never forget that when she did it. I it's why I'm telling you, it was it had been on purpose because she it wasn't like a oh my god, and grabbed the child. And no, it was kind of like, oh, oopsie, I meant to put that in the ashtray. Did she have like dementia or anything? No, but she had she had okay. No, no, she was fully aware of what she was doing.

CHRISY 4:54

Wow, yeah. Again, with the uh uh this is my new thing, is wow. I say wow a lot because you never cease to amaze me. I have to say, wow.

KERRY 5:03

You never knew how screwed up of a life I really had. I was behind this picture perfect image that my family set up.

CHRISY 5:09

I was really good at giving me this beautiful picture. Well, I know, but you n uh to give you credit, it's not like you it did not appear to me that you were like phony or trying to create some persona that wasn't there. Right. I find you to be a very honest and very real person. Yeah. I guess probably just all of this trauma and dysfunction that you had experienced basically trained you how you could still blend and function into normal without being recognized.

KERRY 5:38

Yes, you are very right. Very right.

CHRISY 5:40

I am very right.

KERRY 5:41

Actually, what I was trying to find is as you were talking, you said something there that was it I I wrote something down earlier, and I'll see if I can find it. It's because of that that you I 100%. I've learned how to go unnoticed with without, I don't know. Yeah.

CHRISY 5:56

Hiding in plain sight.

KERRY 5:58

There you go.

CHRISY 5:58

Yeah. Yeah. I

Picnic Mischief And Kid Shame

CHRISY 6:00

I'm I Stop that, Chrissy. Go. I can't. I can't. Fourth of July was generally fine. Uh now I didn't make this in my notes, but just hearing you tell us I'm trying to remember summer like from a long time ago, and probably this is a Fourth of July story, or maybe just in general, a summer picnic. But going along with the theme, I do remember getting scolded by my father and sent to my room. See, this is like I'm like a total door now. It's just like uh Carrie got burnt with a cigarette, but now I'm gonna tell you how my daddy yelled at me for making obnoxious noises at the table. So we were eating, we had friends over, my parents' friends, and they had a son that was like my age, and we were sitting at the picnic table eating our picnic. Yeah, and we had beans. And me and this uh friend were commenting about uh beans and how lovely they are and what they make you do.

unknown 6:57

Okay.

CHRISY 6:57

So, and we were like probably four or five years old. Remember, we were very old. Okay, but we just took it to the level of just making fart noises while everybody else was trying to eat. And my father had had enough. Had enough. And I think he got up and then he, you know, he said, That's in I had to you just dad standing up and looking at me. Oh, yeah. I knew that was my key go to your room. Right. So I had to leave. So there's one, but I didn't he didn't put a cigarette out on me or anything like that.

KERRY 7:28

And this is not meant to be, oh, my trauma is better or worse than yours, or one upping. You know, it's all relative to our experiences. So your dad giving you that look, I mean, that's serious. You know, that was you it's just different. It's just different ways we grew up and how we process things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:47

No, you should have really started with your story and then went to Chris, I mean, went to Carrie's story.

KERRY 7:52

You want to start over? No. Yeah, because then it would be like I was trying to run off. Oh, really not. So you know. Well, so I that I remember I remember You had something in your show notes about being burned though, or not being burned.

CHRISY 8:08

Well, I never as as destructive as I was uh with friends and other uh playmates. And you would think the fourth of July equals fire and things that are warm and hot and dangerous. I don't remember ever burning or catching anyone on fire.

KERRY 8:26

Well, that's good. Good job, Chrissy. Thank you. Because of the sparklers and everything. Yeah, we love those sparklers. We did have those sparklers. I would do remember that. No, I never got burned by that. That would have made like more sense to get burned by, but well, to some extent, depends on the situation.

CHRISY 8:43

If you actually just like ran into somebody with the sparkler, but somebody's sticking it on your skin purposely. Yeah, is that oh wow, but yeah, so another memory I have of the fourth of July that was out of the norm where we weren't like just s hanging out with swimming and you know having a good time with a picnic was we went to a baseball game on the fourth of July.

KERRY 9:06

Uh-huh.

CHRISY 9:07

And it was the Cleveland Indians and the Texas Rangers. Oh, wow. On the Fourth of July. During a Fourth of July that was like a day game? Yeah, yeah. It was during the day and it was uh a billion degrees out. And you know how, first of all, we're in a place where there's a lot of people, uh-huh, and it would require me to sit around other people. And yeah, and they're generating heat without even trying because now it's just like a billion degrees out. And I remember being very hostile. I can you believe it? I was hostile about having to be there. Because I'm not even a really big baseball fan to watch it. Like if you watch the kids play baseball or like my husband used to be in a men's softball league, yeah, that was fun. Yeah, I could like sit and watch that and enjoy it very much.

KERRY 9:51

Jim and I love a good baseball game. We could sit and watch baseball all the time.

CHRISY 9:54

Well, that's wonderful. And my husband, I think my husband enjoys baseball, but he he definitely appreciates football a lot.

KERRY 10:02

But you also don't like when people create heat. No, I mentioned this before when we were talking about concerts about people need to sit down. Don't generate, yes.

CHRISY 10:10

So I think I don't even remember really sitting in my seat that much. I remember kind of getting up a lot and leaving. Refreshments. Well, I think I smoked at the time. Oh you had to get up and but I didn't put my cigarette out on anybody. I really should have thought about doing that. It sounds like it could be a good time. I don't know. That's it's horrible. I'm sorry. I don't mean to make light of that. No, you can't.

KERRY 10:35

It's 100%. That's what this is our safe place. We talk about things, we find humor in the dysfunction. It's okay.

CHRISY 10:40

God love you for finding humor with that, because that is just I remember one time I I had

Owning Your Story Out Loud

CHRISY 10:45

a someone uh we who smoked also, uh we were sort of going out or something. And when back in the day when we used to wear pantyhose, yeah, they were keeping track of their hand with their cigarette, and they accidentally put an ash near me and it hit my pantyhose. And uh, you it nobody who wears pantyhose anymore, or most people don't smoke anymore either, thank goodness. A hot ash on a pantyhose, it just it shreds immediately. It's done. And then I was just very hostile and angry again because you know when someone messes up my look, it's like all over. Yeah, exactly. That's the only time I remember being hurt by a cigarette.

KERRY 11:22

You know, it's sad that I have to do this disclaimer, but these are my stories and my experiences, much like what you're talking about is your stories and your experiences. And it's not so much about talking bad about things that people that are related to us have done. It's our experiences. So we can talk about these things. And I've had people kind of get upset with me about well, you're sharing things that happen about our family. And it's like, no, I'm sharing what happened to me. Right. So if you don't like it, turn it off. Don't listen. But this is my therapy, my safe space, Chrissy's therapy, her safe space. We're talking about what happened to us, how it's affected us, moving on, and we are hoping that maybe some of you listening can find something to relate to and realize, you know, hey, yeah, we've all come from some sort of dysfunction, and that maybe this will help you get past it, find some humor in it, be able to move on, release that energy, negativity, hostility, and find a place of healing to move on. So there's my disclaimer for the show.

CHRISY 12:23

Yeah, no, and I think it helps to know that the certain things are not something that you share solely on your own. That they're similar experiences. It's it's perceived and experienced differently because we're all individuals. Yeah, yeah. We don't ever try to assume or presume what the other person who might have been with us during this experience was feeling or thinking. Right. And I hope we don't ever accidentally speak for them because we certainly don't mean to do that.

KERRY 12:53

This is my perceptions, what what happened to me in that moment, my memory, my whatever. And yes, I felt like this person did this on purpose just because of how active, but you never know, maybe it was truly an accident. And they just didn't know how to respond to it in a more compassionate, empathetic way.

CHRISY 13:09

I don't know that it is an accident. I I feel differently, but that's just my opinion. Because it just seems fairly uh purposeful, but yeah. Well,

The Purse Truck And Hair Fire

CHRISY 13:20

you know, I don't know that this will ever come up again, and I hate to side segue. That's okay, but segue all you want. I have a funny story about now that we're talking about cigarettes.

KERRY 13:30

Oh god, Chris. So we never know where these shows are gonna go. I don't know. We come up with a topic and then boom.

CHRISY 13:36

Because there was something that was ridiculous that I did. It was all on me for the most part. So I was out being bad uh at a at probably an age that you shouldn't be doing these things. Uh heading.

KERRY 13:49

Were we talking teens, 20s? Yeah, we're talking teens. Okay.

CHRISY 13:53

And I was headed into uh a night spot, and I had already sort of been enjoying myself prior to getting there. Okay. So I was a little bit um uh i in my clear mind. And I remember getting walking across the street to get into the place we were going, and I realized at that moment that I no longer had my purse. Uh-oh. And so I was like, where'd my purse go? What happened to my purse? And I turn around and it's laying in the middle of the street. And I was like stared for a minute at my purse, and I'm like, oh my god, this is just like sounds like so out of a movie, like a most ridiculous movie. And I swear I'm not lying. At that moment when I realized my purse was in the middle of the street, in my mind, my memory, it probably wasn't a big truck, but a huge truck came along. Rolled over my purse. So now I had to go, I'm like, oh my God. And I had like a big tire print.

KERRY 14:49

And it probably was a big purse because back in the day we had big purse.

CHRISY 14:53

It was not only big, but it was like the stupid, shiny patent-like looking things that were sort of popular back then. So it really showed off the tire mark. Oh my gosh. So I grabbed my purse and I had cigarettes in my purse, of course. Oh. So now my cigarettes flat. But when you're that age with a pack of cigarettes, you're not gonna let them go to waste. Oh my gosh. Well, it broke my lighter with the rolled over. So when we got to where we wanted to be and we're sitting at the bar, I had to ask them to give me matches to light my cigarette, my flat cigarettes, because my lighter no longer works. So I went with my buddy, and we're sitting there and we're trying to act like everything's normal. Me with my um underage in a bar smoking purse with my tire mark on it and my flat marbles. And uh now I got a box of match, uh, whatever you call it. What do they used to call the things of matches? A book of is that called a book of matches? Yeah, book matches. Yeah, I guess, yeah. So I'm sitting there, and of course I'm not in my right state of mind completely.

KERRY 16:01

Anyhow, because you had pregamed or had roadies on the way?

CHRISY 16:04

Yeah, we had uh fun before we got there. So I'm talking to my friend and we're just talking, and I I go to light my cigarette and with a match, big mistake. And remember, this is 80s hair. Oh so I was talking to her and I lit my cigarette, and you had to suck on it harder than normal because of course it's flat now, so it's not real easy to get it moving and going. And I kind of didn't realize I didn't put my match out. So I'm like leaning and I like caught my hair on fire. And my girlfriend proceeded to beat the hell out of me. Because she had to put me out.

KERRY 16:46

Oh my god.

CHRISY 16:47

So and I was offended that she smacked me and and my hair was all I just tuck it behind you. Oh my god, my hair, I worked so hard on. That is completely dysfunctional every every manner of it.

KERRY 17:06

It's great. I'm sure we all have stories of catching our hair on fire. Catching our hair on fire, doing dumb things.

CHRISY 17:14

Like, oh my god. We didn't want to turn we we we covered this episode, which is really about dysfunction with cigarettes as the 4th of July. Maybe we need to well, let's start talking about uh uh the other thing that we do with fire uh on uh unless you're gonna be able to do it. No, go for it. You go the fireworks, yeah, okay.

Fireworks Close Calls And Animal Safety

CHRISY 17:35

Fireworks. Um so did your family always go see fireworks? No, we we were I came from uh a group of men that felt uh it was fun and manly to set up our own our own firework display. So no, I don't really remember going it purposely and seeing fireworks.

KERRY 17:54

Well, we would always go see fireworks, and I think it's probably because we didn't have enough money to buy our own, you know, so we would go places. So one of the high schools always had like a big fireworks show. Oh, sure, yeah. So we did that for years until the one year at the high school in Austin Town. We were there and we were sitting, you know, and and usually before the big show starts, like every 10 minutes they'll shoot a firework up. Like, you know, it's like kind of letting people know it's coming, it's coming, you know, whatever. And so we're sitting there, blah blah blah. Well, we were sitting in these seats, and as they were shooting these, you know, individual ones up, for whatever reason, my mom and dad decided to move up two more rows. So we did. We moved up two more rows. I don't I don't know why. I don't know if it was, oh, as they were shooting up, oh, if we go up two more rows, it'll look better. I I don't know. So, anyways, the fireworks show starts, and within like a minute or two of the fireworks starting, su something went bad. Uh fireworks went rogue, something happened, and one of the fireworks went wrong and it shot up and landed right where we were sitting. Oh gosh. And luckily, nobody else had taken those seats. So if we wouldn't have moved, it would have landed on either like my dad, my mom, or myself.

CHRISY 19:06

Oh wow.

KERRY 19:07

And so that was it. We never from then on, if we went and saw fireworks, we like parked somewhere and you watched it from afar.

CHRISY 19:15

Yeah.

KERRY 19:15

So yeah, that ended the fireworks thing. And then when whenever going back to our New Year's episode, moving out to Las Vegas, fireworks was equivalent to people shooting guns. So yeah, I'm never I'm no, just don't usually go anymore.

CHRISY 19:31

So when you're of your Fourth of July is now, you don't make it a point to go see fireworks or the most I'll see is sometimes at our farm where we live now, there's a fairgrounds just a couple miles away.

KERRY 19:42

And so from our upstairs bedroom, we can see that. So we'll go and watch from there. But to go specifically to watch fireworks, no. Uh-uh.

CHRISY 19:50

Well, I wonder if you're actually seeing, because more in more recently, the nice family that I work for, they were in the past, it's been a while now since they have done this, but for the longest time, they always had a very large gathering uh for Fourth of July. It was always a wonderful party. I mean, they would have wonderful food. They usually had a band. I mean, it was a big deal. And at their house. At their house. Which is actually not far from where you are.

KERRY 20:16

You're right. I bet you if I look out my other window, that direction, oh, I'll have to do that.

CHRISY 20:21

I don't know if they still do it. They might, but but they used to invite a lot of the people from the company to uh participate in these wonderful parties, and they were wonderful. And their fireworks display, I think probably because they were friendly with the family that I think sells fireworks, which helps our area. Yeah, and they had uh their display was just as good, if in my opinion, sometimes better than if you would have gone somewhere. And they had people there that knew what they were doing too. But I I do understand what you mean by the fear. Yeah. Because I think growing up with dads and people who wanted to set off their own fireworks. Now, my father, I don't remember anything ever going bad. Yeah, thank goodness. No fireworks gone rogue. No, but um, but that fear was always in me because I think there were a couple of close calls. Yeah. But yeah, no, fireworks are pretty scary. My husband, I don't think he really cares that much for fireworks. No, it's not true. Because when we started uh dating and and earlier on, I would like to I wouldn't mind going to see him. It's because it's something to do. Yeah. He was never like in a real hurry to run out the door to go see fireworks.

KERRY 21:30

I you know what's weird is I mean, I enjoy, I mean, it's nice to watch and everything again from afar, but what I really like are the ones that are not even like colorful displays, but it's just the big boom. Where it's just you see a flash of light and then it's just like canon boom that like vibrates. That's you like that. That's those are my favorite ones. And it's not like I said, it's not even something you see. It's it's you feel it. See now I don't like that.

CHRISY 21:57

That just sounds terrible. And of course you love it. If you know anything about my personality, I'm sitting there and it n never ceases to cross, you know, it always crosses my mind. Is this probably bad for the earth?

KERRY 22:09

Oh, I will s yes. I I will say that is I one of the things I I do have a real issue with is the fireworks because of the animals and the birds and all of that.

CHRISY 22:20

Oh, I didn't think of the yeah, I was just thinking of like the gas or whatever it's putting off into the atmosphere.

KERRY 22:25

And so I always fear for the animals too. And then in working in animal control for all those years out in the Las Vegas and uh Henderson area, July 5th was the our busiest day of the year because of course all the people that think it's just so great. Well, we're gonna go on a picnic and we're gonna take Fluffy with us. Fluffy does not want to be at your fourth of July picnic, trust me. Probably Fluffy does not want to listen to the fireworks, you know. So how many animals would get it was it was it was our busiest day of the year on loose dogs and animal problems because of the the night before.

CHRISY 22:59

Oh yeah, they I'm sure they're they're terrified if you don't put them in a safe space where you can try and shelter them from that noise and chaos. Right. Yeah, oh I I have experienced people where we have been where they were doing fireworks at a friend's house or whatever, where uh they're terrified because they're afraid their pet had run off because somebody hadn't secured them. Right.

KERRY 23:22

So yeah, make sure this weekend over the festivities, you're uh locking your animals up nice and safe and tight in the house, you know, put them in a bedroom, put them in a crate, whatever you need to do, please make sure that they're in there. Put a radio on, a thunder shirt, whatever you need to do to help them because yeah, but I do always worry about the birds and stuff whenever the fireworks are going off.

CHRISY 23:42

Jeez, I didn't even think of the birds. Do they even know what the heck's going on? What can they hear? I don't know what a birds do. What I never saw a bird's ear. Yes. What's going on? They do.

KERRY 23:55

It is very disruptive in the lights and everything. It's just like, yeah, it just there's so many bad things. And then, like with our horses, when we lived out west, they were in a, you know, it was like a community corral where we had a lot of the horses were kept at. And I always worried because you would always find, you know, stray firework pieces or whatever that had somehow managed to get over to the corrals and stuff. So I always like bottled and stuff. Yeah. So usually even in the summertime when it's nice, we always bring the horses in for that night because we just don't want anything flying into the art and hitting them. So I know a lot to think about.

Holiday Wishes And Share Your Memories

CHRISY 24:31

You know what? I'm just gonna stay inside and watch a movie on the 4th of July.

KERRY 24:35

Yeah, well, we're getting old, so we're pretty much probably gonna be in bed by eight o'clock anyway. So well, I'm not gonna say that doesn't sound horrible at all to me. But we do hope that everybody has a safe holiday weekend. You know, appreciate definitely celebrate our freedom and celebrate what it is to be American and but do it as safe as possible and keep those animals safe.

CHRISY 24:58

So stay away from lit cigarettes and fireworks and grandmas grandmas with cigarettes. I would stay away from grandmas with cigarettes.

KERRY 25:06

That would be the title of our show. Stay away from grandma. That is the perfect title. All right, but everybody. Well, please check us out on our Facebook page. Give us some feedback on how you celebrated your holiday weekend. If you have any good memories or bad memories, uh, whatever you want to share about, we're your safe space. So find us at dysfunction junkies.buzzsprout.com. Bye, everybody. Happy fourth. Happy fourth. Duck and cow.