16: 6 Tips To Rebuild Your Tribe

In this episode, I reflect on the transformative power of building a tribe and share my personal journey from feeling profoundly lonely to creating a life full of meaningful connections. From close friendships forged in New York City to rebuilding my support network in Florida, I’ve learned invaluable lessons about the importance of community and belonging.

You will take away a few practical tips I’ve discovered: 

1. Let go of old relationships to welcome new ones, 
2. Diversify your friendships, 
3. Be proactive
4. Practice vulnerability
5. Be a good listener 
6. Prioritize and Invest in your friendships

They will help you build a supportive and enriching tribe of your own.

Join me as I explore how the right people in your corner can make you unstoppable in achieving your goals.

• Coco Duan helps High-Achieving yet Self-Doubting women executives build their Grounded Confidence to become unstoppable in achieving their goals.

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Transcript

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” 

This African proverb beautifully captures the essence of having a tribe. 

We humans are hardwired for connection. Without community, support, and a sense of belonging, we not only  struggle to thrive, but it threatens our survival. 

Yet we are living in what many call a loneliness epidemic. Feeling lonely is said to be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It's not just a mental health crisis; it affects our physical health too. 

In today's episode, I want to share my personal journey from feeling profoundly lonely to having a heart full of love.

and a life enriched by the connections that I've built. You will take away a few practical tools and tips to help you build a stronger and more meaningful tribe of your own.

Welcome to Grounded Confidence podcast. I'm your host Coco Duan, a former Fortune 500 senior executive turned life coach. I empower successful yet self-doubting woman executives to build Grounded Confidence from the inside out. So they become unstoppable in achieving their goals. 

If you haven't already, hit that subscribe button so you don't miss any future episodes.

I've always valued having a small, close-knit circle of friends.

18 years ago, when I moved to the US for business school, I left behind my family and friends to start a new life. 

In those early years, I was lucky to have made a group of friends from school. Two years later, when I moved to New York City, some of those friends also moved there. We became very close. We did everything together - climbing the corporate ladder, going to Sunday brunches, fun parties, Broadway shows, and yoga classes. 

They were my career counselors, relationship coaches, and workout buddies. I relied on them for everything. I felt connected, accepted, and supported. 

As time passed, life began to pull us in different directions. 

As you may know, New York City is not the most friendly place to raise families. As my girlfriends start to plan and create their families, they all moved away one by one. 

Albena moved back to her home country, Bulgaria. Julia relocated across the country to California while Oana moved to the suburb of New Jersey. 

Eventually, I was the only one left in New York City, becoming what I jokingly called “a childless cat lady.”  

Since I'm the only person who doesn't have children while they are all busy moms, I put in extra effort to keep our friendships alive. I traveled to Bulgaria to visit Albania, California to visit Julia, and even Oana in the boring suburb of New Jersey.

 Life got busier for all of us, and responses to my calls and texts became slower and fewer.

Five years ago, I moved to Florida. Right before the pandemic, I was planning a big girls’ 10 year reunion to bring us all back together. But then the pandemic hit, and everything shut down, reunion never happened and our friendships drifted even further apart.

The exact time I experienced the most challenging phase of my life. 

I was burned out by my corporate career. My marriage was crumbling, and I was just so lost in my life, but I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to either one of them.

I felt this profound sense of loneliness.

So I turned to therapy, and went to see my therapist, Dr. Pratt. She said to me, “Coco, it looks like no one's in your corner. You need to find people who are in your corner.” 

And that advice is really life-changing. That was the moment I realized it was time to rebuild my tribe.

The first new member of my tribe was Justyna. We met at our coaching training program. She is a busy mom of two, but we both prioritize our friendship.

For the past three years, we've had our one-hour Zoom call every week. During that time, we've laughed and cried. We celebrated our triumphs and nursed our heartbreaks together. Justyna has become my rock, and I've become hers.

Another member, Ariana, is my neighbor. 

During the pandemic, when everything was shut down, there was nothing else to do but walk outside. I saw her walking past my house a couple of times. 

So I said, “Hi.” we started a conversation and built a deep friendship over time. Today, we meet regularly for walks, biking, paddle boarding and sharing meaningful conversations and supporting each other. And she is the person who picked me up when my car broke down on a highway in the middle of nowhere.

I've also made friends through my CrossFit community. I joined a local CrossFit gym two and a years ago. I met a group of ladies we call ourselves “7 AM Queens.” It's Toni, Alex and Elisa. We go to the 7 AM classes.

We hold each other accountable. We celebrate our milestones, and we even went on a ski trip together for my birthday last year and we're planning the next one.

When I'm traveling, Toni and Alex from the “7 AM Queens” are taking care of my cat.

Another community that I made a lot of friends is through Toastmasters. I joined Toastmasters two and a half years ago, and now I'm a member of multiple clubs. 

I made so many like-minded friends who not only support me on my speaking journey. We also have become great friends outside of speaking.

Last, I created a monthly brunch group called Coco's Curious Circle, bringing together open-minded, curious, and open-hearted women I met in different communities for meaningful conversations. And this group has been one of the most enriching parts of my life.

So this journey of rebuilding my tribe has been one of the most transformative experiences of my life. Today, I feel truly supported in every aspect of my life. This sense of community has been a cornerstone of my healing and growth, giving me the courage to pursue my goals.

So here are some tips I've learned that can help you build or rebuild your own tribe. 

1.     Let go of the old to welcome the new. Sometimes old friendships no longer serve you.

If you feel unsupported or the relationship feels one-sided, it's okay to let go. Because only when you let go, the old, it frees up your time and energy to nurture and build the new and fulfilling connections.

It is okay to let go of the old to welcome the new. 

2.     Diversify your friendships.

As we are told to diversify investment, you don't put all eggs in one basket. It's equally important to diversify friendships. Don't rely on a small circle of friends.

for every aspect of your life. So build a network of friends who fulfill different roles. I have someone for emotional support, have friends who have shared hobbies with, personal growth or career growth or fitness buddies, just have different friends support you in different areas of your life because then you will be more supported also will be more balanced as well. 

3.      Be proactive.

What I learned is almost everyone wants to make more friends, but most people are too shy to initiate. If you feel a connection with someone, don't wait for them to ask you to be their friend. Ask them for a coffee or virtual chat.

From my personal experience, nine out of 10 times, people will say yes. And if they don't, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing personal and they're just not the right fit for your tribe anyways. So don't wait, be proactive, be the person who take initiative and ask them for coffee.

4.      Practice vulnerability. 

True connection comes from being open and authentic. share your challenges and share your struggles.

Obviously, share it from a more healed place, not as a therapy session, just dumping it on your friend. but share it from a place that is to connect as a way to deepen trust.

Vulnerability fosters connection. 

5.     Be a good listener 

When people share their challenges or struggles, really listen. Then people feel acknowledged and validated and then they feel safe. That's the key to really form meaningful connections. 

6.     Prioritize and invest in your friendship.

Friendship isn't passive. It requires time and effort. It requires you to build the friendship. It doesn't take a lot of time. Put it on your calendar, make time for it and be there for your friends.

Not just when it's convenient for you, but when they truly need you. When they need you, be their support. a lot of times it is just be the emotional support that they need. Be a good listener.

The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. 

So I challenge you, get out there, make new friends, be proactive, curious, and vulnerable. You will be amazed at the depth of the connections you can create and the richness they add to your life.

Because when you have the right people in your corner, you are unstoppable.

If you're getting value from this podcast, please leave a review and share it with other successful yet self-doubting women executives. Your support means a lot to me. To learn more about how I help successful yet self-doubting women executives build grounded confidence and become unstoppable in achieving their goals, visit CocoDuanCoaching.com. Until next time.

Remember to be kind to yourself.