Lady Ruby Rebel

Lady Ruby Rebel is a professional dominatrix with 11 years of sobriety. Ruby and Seb talk about the fentanyl epidemic in Southern California, which took the life of her child's father the week of recording, and the complex relationship between domination and sobriety. 

Sicker Than Others is bought to you by Pink Cloud Coffee. Pink Cloud Coffee is an award-winning coffee company based in Los Angeles with the primary purpose of helping addicts and alcoholics through scholarships and work programs. Sicker Than Others listeners get 10% off their first order. Go to pinkcloudcoffee.com and use promo code sick10 for 10% off any beans or merchandise.

For more information on Beit T’Shuvah please go to www.beittshuvah.org.

For more information on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous go to www.aa.org.

Host: Seb Webber

Engineered and Produced by: Ted Greenberg

Producers: Laura Bagish, Jesse Solomon, and Chris Hendrickson

Executive Producer: Seb Webber

Intro Theme by Rich Daytona

Recorded live at: Beit T’Shuvah, 8831 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90034.

To reach the production team, please email: seb@magick-arts.com

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Ah, that's the sound of pink cloud coffee and their exceptional Colombian roast. Pink cloud coffee is an award winning Coffee Company based in Los Angeles with the primary purpose of helping addicts and alcoholics through scholarships and work programs. Sicker than others, listeners get 10% off their first order. Go to pink cloud coffee.com and use promo code sick 10 for 10% off any beans or merchandise sicker than others, is a podcast on the ups and downs of recovery brought to you from within a treatment center in Los Angeles. This podcast does not reflect the views or opinions of beta shuber or any of its subsidiary businesses or partners sicker than others. Neither speaks for AA or recovery as a whole, but you'll find some useful links on both if you'd like to find out more information sicker than others, touches on subjects and situations that some listeners might find offensive, or, if you're lucky, triggering you have been warned. David, Hi, welcome to sicker than others. The podcast brought to you from within a treatment center in Los Angeles. I have a public service announcement because, hey, this is my show. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I have one year sobriety, and that is fucking mental for anyone that doesn't know my story. Oh, thank you, yay. So for 15 years I've been trying to get sober. I'm a pretty gnarly meth and sex addict, and at some point I will tell my story on here, but not fucking today. But my point is, is that it is possible, because I was a true Die Hard. Was never gonna get sober and and I fucking did it. So, yeah, I never thought, I never thought I would wake up with a year sober. So it fucking works. But anyway, more importantly, my guest today is fuck it. I'm gonna take so my guest today is Lady Ruby rebel, who is a professional dominatrix, who is clean from meth and has also been going through some shit lately. Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. So how did we meet? Okay, well, so I think, I think, if I remember correctly, we met when you were on your way down to San Diego for whatever hell reason that was, yeah, and I think you reached out to me from one of my ads I had online, yeah. And you were like, wanting to have sex, right? Yeah. And I don't think you understood exactly what it was I did, no. So I believe I got angry with you, yeah. And ended up talking some shit. And I believe I said some really offensive things, like, you know, well, of course you wouldn't know that, just like your country doesn't know to put fluoride in the waters, which was really, really rude, but I was just, you know, kind of upset that, you know, people don't understand what it is to be a dominatrix, and they think It's relatively the same thing as as a hooker, you know, and some may do that to each their own. That doesn't bother me at all. But then you actually became a genuine friend of mine. Yes, right? Yes, I did. And I think you probably saw that. I probably wasn't in a good place. You weren't No, which is why I always was reaching out. Yeah, because, you know, being in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous myself has been an eye opener. And, you know, I practice these principles and all my affairs, try to at least, yeah, it's out there. It's out the fuck it. I don't care. Yeah, you know me for sex services, and then we became friends. Yeah, that's what happened. Well, you know, I've talked about this once before on my podcast. Again, I with another guest we had on. She was a sex worker, and actually, I wasn't planning on jumping this straight away, but I will always say, as much as my addiction had its hold on me, I've met some really good people, like, like you and like, and I know really good people, the idea that sex work, whatever type of sex work, is this dark. And did you trust me, the sex I like is dark and dingy, but I've met some genuine people, like, I've had the most intimate conversations with people. I think it's where people have seen me for who I really am, selfishly, you know what I mean? Like, I don't have to have a facade. And so this idea that sex work is, is, is, I don't think it if you're doing it for the right reason, like if you're doing it, if you're doing it sober, or doing domination, domination sober, I think, I think it's liberal. Dating. And I'm just saying that, like, this whole cliche that it's all dark and dirty. It's not, I mean, like you fucking me from date, like we've been exchanging messages for like, a long time, and like you've been following my journey, and it's been like, great to get to know you too on a human level. It's like, I've met some great people, not all of them, I'd say, like, 5% of them. I believe I reached out to you, and I said something like, because I had been watching your journey through social media, because I was always wondering how you were doing, you know. And I reached out, and I was like, Hey, how are you, you know, we didn't used to use together. Just a heads up, yeah, you know, I don't know if you're trying to avoid me because you think I'm gonna be like, you know, yeah, part of your past in a negative manner, right? But, um, it was nice to know that you were on, you know, the straight and narrow path, and that, you know, your relationship with Stella gotten better, yeah. I mean, you know, pretty you know a lot about me, you know, it's great. And I know, you know, we know our kids names and like, we have a real relationship, and that's, that's why I get sober to have real relationships. I didn't have those before, you know. I had transactions and people I knew and acquaintances exactly, but I didn't have real friends, you know. So why not explain what a dominatrix is? A dominatrix explain it from a high level. So because I was confused when I try to hire you to have sex with me. The board are gonna love this, holy shit. So we're basically there to help others explore. You know, we're that one person that you can turn to that's probably heard it all, seen it all, and done it all, you know. And it's, it's, it's one of those rare moments, you know, just like within sobriety, when you make those real connections, yeah, you're making that real connection with somebody because they know that, you know, all their deep and dirty secrets, and vice versa. So it's kind of like a vulnerability factor that happens that is beneficial for both parties. You know, we're like a guide through sexual exploration and becoming one with oneself, right? That sounded really fucking cheesy. It sounded great whatever we're looking at the 20,000 view right here. I love that. But dominatrix is, don't have traditionally, don't have intercourse, correct? See, now, that's a, that's an interesting question. Some may Yeah, and some may not. So I'm not going to sit here and say that, you know, traditionally, no, it's not. That's not the end game, okay? You know, if they want you to finish at the end, that's when you do. You know, it's not like a given, okay, you know, yeah. So you basically are turning your your will and your your submission over to, you know, another being, right? You put a lot of trust in them. Yes, it's 100% trust. That's what it's based on. Yeah. So sex and drugs are really intertwined for me. For me, how in your 11 years clean of meth, how do you what am I trying to say? Was that easy for you to separate the two or I guess it's not. I guess for you, it's work. Hold on. I got to think about this question through a little bit more. I bet what I'm trying to say is, I bet you see some gnarly shit. Yes, right. Do you ever feel that your sobriety is in risk by doing what you do? I mean, I'm not going to lie. There's a lot of clients that I have that do use, right, you know, and you're not supposed to let people do that, you know, during a session, they're not supposed to be high, you're not supposed to be drunk, you know, both parties, right? But I do see a lot of people that, you know, they can only get into that, you know, frame of mind, if they have that, right? You know, for you, like to be around drugs. If someone's using drugs, it's, you know, it may have been a problem a few years back, right? However, I feel nowadays, the idea of doing any hard drugs, for me is scary as shit, yeah. And you know, that's due to the whole fentanyl epidemic. And that for me is, you know, enough to be like, pump the brakes. I'm not trying to leave this world right now, right? You know, because it's not like a matter of if it's when, yeah, and you're and safety is important, and safety must come first, right? And I guess I just get what I'm trying to think of, is it must it must be. It must be. Is it is it taxing on you when you see people that are in an addiction, or is it just part of the gig? I know it's a difficult question to answer. You know what I will you know? It's possible. Sorry, but you know, it's possible to get sober, yes, because you were a hope to die drug addict, alcoholic too. Yeah, my main problem was alcohol. Yeah, yeah. But um, as far as the question you asked, I would say that my experience being sober and in the program and with all the people that I've met has actually, in a way, given me this, like, mother hen kind of thing. And I find myself taking in a lot of people that are suffering, yeah, and I just kind of like, you know, I just want to put them under my wing. I just want to I to, I just want to show them that, you know, you can live sober, you can live life a different way. You know, I don't try to push it on people though. You know, you gotta let people come to their own Yes, but being kind Yes, have I gotten messed up? But, you know, fucked over by them, yeah, yes, right? And that is the taxing part, right? Because I put a lot of time and effort and love into people, yeah. And then, you know, people are going to be people, yeah. And especially when they're people that are suffering, still, yeah, they don't have that conscious conscious, conscious, no, you know. And when they're getting better, they need kind people around them. They don't need pushovers, but they need kind people. And you've always been really kind to me, despite my a lot of people would probably disagree with you on that statement. Well, sometimes I'm not. I don't care about them. I care about me, right and like, but like for me, messaging with you and being able to talk to you about this stuff like that. I knew I needed, I needed a kind person who saw me as me, who didn't really know me on this facade life that I was in, and it was like it was so healing. It's healing just having a relationship with you. It's just healing not not not be I mean, I've never felt judged, right? And the way I met you is a pretty judge, judgmental. I mean, it's a pretty good situation to judge someone on, you know, and and I need to know people like you like I need, I need that in my life. I need to know people that know what it's like to go through what I've gone through, and also someone I can talk to about this stuff, about, you know, you know, and not feel for me. Shit dies when it's in the light, right? Sex, shit, drug shit, like it dies when it's in the light. It kills me when I keep it inside, right? And I think you've been a really great outlet. And also, you just send the best memes out of, I mean, I copy your stories on Instagram, like, what, three times a week, like, you're the meme goddess. So tell me about your journey getting clean. Okay, so I went to UC Santa Cruz, and I was a poli sci major, which is probably the worst fucking major to have in Santa Cruz, and, you know, they wanted us to read a lot, and all the kids in college were doing Adderall, and that's how that whole thing started. I remember crushing up a pill of Adderall, and it makes this pink powder stuff, and then you snort it, and it's the most horrific thing, yes, like, sweetener, yes, right, okay. I mean, like, snorting sweetener, yeah, exactly. And, you know, that was, like, the whole rage for a while. Yeah, I could read, you know, three books a day. It was fucking great Communist Manifesto, no problem, you know. And, and then it, and then it got to be speed, right? Yeah, that was, um, cheaper and, you know, ironically, easier to get, yeah, so, yeah. So speed became, you know, the thing that everybody was doing, but, um, it took over me, and I ended up leaving Santa Cruz and coming down to Orange County, which is like, you know, the meth capital, yeah, so there was no escaping it, and it found me again. And then I met a man named Chris, and we both were in our addiction. And then I got pregnant, and I decided at that point, here and there, that there was no, you know, either I'm going to be a mother or I'm going to be a drug addict. You know, there was a point and a there was a choice to be made there, and so I did. I I went and got some help. I actually turned myself into the police, and that's the way I got my help, because I had some warrants, I know, right, dumb shit, but I knew, I knew that if I, if I tried to do it on my own, I. Wasn't gonna succeed. So I walked up to the police, and I was like, you know, I have a warrant. My name's yada yada yada and and, you know, they were like, really? So they took me in, and I did three months, and then I got out, and I had a different outlook on life. I was, you know, pumped. I was ready to go. And and then when I got out, me and her, her dad went and, you know, started a little life together. It was wonderful, until his mother came and started living with us a little bit, and she was drinking heavily, and it just, it just really cramped my fucking style. I mean, I hated my living situation, and I started drinking. I thought, Well, my problem was with drugs, right? I can drink. No, no. That was the that was probably the worst decision I ever made. And my alcohol problem grew bigger and bigger until I finally left him and went down to live with my mother in San Diego for a bit, and then, for some stupid ass reason, I get this idea to go drive up to Orange County, where we used to live, and start some shit with him, you know. And I'd been drinking pretty heavily that day. So I made it all the way up to San Clemente from San Diego, and I start to get pulled over. And I decided, fuck it, you know, I'm not gonna be pulling over for anybody. So I took off for about a good 11 minutes with eight of Orange County's finest behind me. And for some reason, I decided to get off on the only stop on the five south that was with, you know, the Highway Patrol set up right there, and I exited on Camino Capistrano clipped about four signs in a meter. And, you know, by the grace of God, I didn't hit anybody that day. Yeah, God damn. I mean, this was at 6pm on a Friday evening, you guys. So I'm, I don't know how, I don't know who the hell was watching after me, but I didn't hit anybody that day. I totaled the fuck out of my car. Yeah, with my little eco button. I don't know how I was gonna, you know, by the way, folks, if you're asking if I had a helicopter, no, um, my but it was that was next to arrive for sure. Well, yes, yes, it was. They were scrambling, apparently, at 15 minutes on a high speed chase. That's when the helicopter comes into play. Now, not normal people know this, you know. So you know, if you ever want to know when you could pull an OJ, it's about 15 minutes. Yeah. So, um, so I ended up, you know, of course, going to jail and getting a fabulous Jewish attorney, and that man saved my ass. He made it to where I was able to do my time in work furlough in San Diego. And you know, he even told me he's like my dear I've been doing this for 27 years, and I need to tell you that you are the drunkest female I've ever had 27 years. Wow. And my BAC was a point three, three, whoa, so I wasn't fucking around. Yeah, that was over four times the legal limit, and like in the police report, it said she was lucid, walking and talking. And they're like, wow, you know. And he just couldn't believe it. He's like, I'm giving you this opportunity, but I need you to know you can't. You know it's important that you seek assistance when you're done serving your time, you know? So I did i i did my time. I finished all that. And then me and my daughter just started building our life together, and she grew up in the program of AA. I mean, she could probably recite the entire preamble, and it's just been a beautiful thing. She doesn't remember me ever being drunk. Yeah? Thank God. Yeah, you know. And I'm not gonna say it's not without its challenges. Yeah, I've had deaths in the family. I've had, you know, shit the world went to hell, and we had our kids stuck at home with us for a year and a half, yeah, and then they wanted us to be sane, you know. So it's not without its trials and tribulations, but I keep myself surrounded with people that are in the program, you know, that are living the straight and narrow, yeah? And you. You know, I pick up a few stragglers on the way that are still needing a little help, you know. But, um, yeah, it's, it's been a beautiful journey up until, you know what just recently happened, yeah, and that that's kind of what preempted me to want to come in here today, which is, you know, a whole fentanyl epidemic, yeah. So you want to talk about that, I do. I do. So you want to tell everyone what happened last week. I do. So last week I got a call from my ex's mother, and she it was like 730 in the morning. My daughter just left to go to school. She goes to college now, and she told me that Chris had passed away, and that's my daughter's father. And, you know, I haven't talked to the man in a long time. I knew he was active in his addictions, and it still came as a great shock, and I still find myself sad about it, you know, yeah, and it's just, it's a shame how much this man's gonna miss out on my daughter's wonderful life. You know, how much he's gonna miss her getting married someday, maybe a grandchild, I'm hoping. You know, um, and how young he was. He was only 41 Yeah, you know, it's, it's not the same as when we were using things back in the day. It's a different ball game now, you know, and I always tell people like, carry Narcan around, it's that common. Yeah, it's, it's not if, it's when, exactly, now it is. You notice they don't really have, like, a fentanyl pipe. I always say this, right? I'm like, It's true though, yeah, I haven't seen one yet, but they have a meth pipe, and then there's other devices for smoking crack, yeah? But they don't have a fentanyl pipe. There's foil, yeah, or whatever the hell else they use. But you have to wonder, like, Well, why are they not making one? Why isn't there like, a device yet? Yeah, that's, you know, because they're all dying, yeah, yeah, whoever was getting this idea to make it is now dead, because that's just what's gonna happen. Yeah, the life saving medicine, it's not the easiest thing to get. I mean, it's available, but I was doing some research. So I was thinking about, I wanted to, I was seeing so many people overdose and die in Venice on fentanyl, and I was looking into maybe, like, doing, like, a bike delivery service for fentanyl. And I was looking into the cost, so it costs 100 so the Narcan, the patent on it costs essentially 150 bucks. Is what the insurance company have to pay for the patent on the thing. Guess how much Narcan is in a syringe? Three cents. Three cents in a syringe. So you'll notice that paramedics will have it in syringes. Now it's so cheap to save people's lives, it would be so cheap, but because there's a patent on the delivery device of it going up your nose, there's like, mammoth costs associated with it. Isn't that fucking crazy? I mean, that doesn't shock me at all. This is America, but it's, it's fucking crazy, yeah, you know, but I think there are programs where you can get, you know, free Narcan? Yeah, there are, and I think there are some. I know that there's some medical have a program. But my point is, when you're using fentanyl or meth, the you know, you're, I mean, the first thing you should be thinking about if you are a fentanyl user is, do I have my Narcan on me? But it's always not on a lot of people's To Do List grocery shopping that day, you know? I mean, it's not, it's more of a thing to get the drug, yeah, of course, and then worry about it later, like your priorities, yeah, I'll worry about it. Let's see if it's a good batch first, you know, or whatever. I don't know. And that's another point. They actually give out those test strips too. So if there are any people out there that are still using, if you must, you know, at least test it. It's in everything. Now I remember, on on some one of my last runs, a year and a bit ago, I got some meth from someone new, and I hid it, and it started making me sleepy. And I'm like, This is not good. And it was meth. It then, you know, the more I smoked, it was meth, and I got high. But it, it wasn't just meth. You know what? I mean, yeah, and that's what I've heard from quite a few people cocaine, too. I know one dude who I was with sober living in about a year and a half ago, and he was in Vegas, went out with some chicks he met, did a bump of cocaine, and it was, it wasn't cocaine or it was cocaine with fentanyl in it. You know, I got a friend, get this. I got a friend who was smoking crack in a motel, and his friend was smoking fentanyl, and he was carpet surfing, and he thought he found a crack rock, oh no, and he smoked a crack rock of fentanyl, and was in a coma for seven. Six weeks, right? Rick Chris, like six weeks. Oh, our friend. I want to mention his name. It's fucking real, and people are dying left and right, left and right. I mean, it's, it's, it's getting worse. It's getting worse, it's getting worse. And I guess the problem is they keep on changing up. However the hell it is they're making it, yeah, so it's harder to ban it when the recipe is being constantly shifted, you know? And it's, it doesn't make any sense to me, like, Why kill off your clientele? You know, yeah. And that's like, if we get into the depths of that, that's a whole nother. But I get why people do it, you know, we find the drugs we need, right? I really believe that we find, we actively search out the drugs we need, whether we know we need them or not, it's what we you know, at that moment, it's what we need. And some people just want to be put asleep, and it's fucked up. It's fucked up, and it's such a fine line of like, is this gonna kill me or is it not gonna kill me? But since I was in treatment, I know five people that have died in like just went out and died. Five people, so I know now, 1-234-567-8910, 1112, 13 people I know that have died from fentanyl. 13 people, yeah, I don't know 13 people that died of cancer, and I know a lot of people, that's, you know what? I mean, yeah, that's a good point. Like, I know, like, maybe five people have died of cancer, 10 people that died of cancer, maybe, yeah, 13 people I know have died of fentanyl. I think, um, for five in this year. That's telling me it's getting worse. Yeah, that's, well, it hit home for me this year. You know, for sure, it was, you know, I used to use drugs with Madison's dad. You know, it's really weird. It's and I am convinced, and this is the part of me that changed the most. I can tell you that when I came to treatment this time, I didn't feel any different. I felt just as low as I've always felt. I didn't know whether this was going to work or not. I felt the same as I had done the other three times I'd been in treatment. All the times I went to jail, like I felt the same shame, but it was the same. I didn't feel any worse. I didn't noticeably. There wasn't like a notice fire in the engine that this time was going to be different. So I have to, I have to believe that something saved me. I have to, I have to believe that. Call it what you want, because I didn't. I came in. I needed a break. I need to get better. I need to get the heat off, needing to get my kids mom off my back. Needed to do this. You do that. I wasn't a better person. I wasn't, I wasn't finished, you know, I was finished, but I wasn't, I didn't, you know, I didn't make a declaration that it was going to be different this time. I was just doing the junky Jive dance, right? And I had to do the junky dance again. And here I am again. I'm in another treatment center, and it was different, and that was not of my doing at all. I just showed up. And so I think that when we know people that have died from people that we used with the difference between you and him is, you got the you got the gift, you got the gift and he didn't, yeah, I think it comes down to that. I mean, we can say that we do work, and we can say that we're going to meetings, we're doing the step work, and we're working ourselves, and we're reading Tony Robbins books, and we're fucking running on the beach and and we're drinking green smoothies, and we're doing outreach, and we care about other people, and we can do all these things, and all these things help. But if I start to think that I had anything to do with this gift I was given. I'm gonna start getting in trouble, because my ego will take that and it'll kill me. And I think for you, you got the gift and he didn't, whatever it took, however it happened. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? How it happened you got the gift, and I that's how I keep this now, I think of my sobriety as a gift that I can lose at any point. Yes, as freely as it was given to me, it can freely be taken away. And that's what keeps me on my fucking toes. You know, people ask me like, Why do you always say you're a recovering addict? You know? Why? Why do you say recovering? You're recovered. You've been sober. And I'm like, No, it doesn't work that way. Though. I'm always going to be an addict. You know, my my sponsor brought it up to me one time, and I love this little analogy. But he said, you know, we're all. We were all. Can. Cucumbers once, and then we got pickled. And we're never gonna go back to being a cucumber again. Be a fucking pickle. We're just gonna be a pickle. Yeah, and you just have to learn to live with it and manage it. And what you know when it comes to fentanyl people, yes, it's sad, somebody died, it's sad, but, like, the ripple effect is huge. It's, it's like you said, he's gonna miss out on all these things and but you were talking to me, your daughter's being a fucking rock star through this, right? She really is. And that fucking isn't that amazing? I don't even know where this kid came from. Sometimes I have the best child you could ever imagine, and she's been hell and back with both parents essentially, you know, and she's handling this like a trooper. I mean, she's calm and collected. We had to go through her dad's things the other day at the sober living where he passed away. And, you know, she's just handling it, dealing with this whole family, and, you know, just not losing her cool, and she handles things with class. My mother said that term about her and I, and I always, I like to think about that now, she's definitely a lot classier than I am in that aspect, you know, yeah, but class is not something you're given. Class is something you're taught. I know, right? So she learned that from someone. That's why I'm one. I raised her by myself, yeah? Truly. I mean, he's been through his addiction for a minute, so, but, um, it's weird to see your child grow up and you're like, gosh, where did you come from? You know, she's just been such a blessing to me. If I didn't have her, I would be dead already. Yeah, I feel the same way. Yeah. And I got that I understood your relationship you had with your daughter, yeah. Yeah. You know, even through your addiction, yeah, I will say that you did have some hindrance of still being a good dad. Yeah, thank you. I needed to hear that. Um, you know, for me, it's like I haven't missed anything, you know. I haven't missed a birthday. I haven't missed a first day of school, which is great, but I wasn't present for a lot of it, whether she picked up on it or not, that will remain to be told, you know, but I showed up and I and I've and I've also, I've also talked about this. When it comes to kids, it's tricky, especially when you're interactive addiction. Because I remember, there's two dates I'll never forget in my entire life, october 25 2016 when Stella was born, and then November 1, 2016 when I was smoking meth in the alley, and I realized that not even that little girl was going to save me, you know, because I've seen people, you know, I love my daughter like I would. There's nothing in this world, there's no wall I couldn't get through if she was on the other side, right? But, but even that, even that love I have for her that's unconditional through anything, there is not a single thing she could do which I wouldn't love her that still couldn't save me. That's why this is a gift, because there's no way I had any part in that, like at all. I didn't have a single part in that, and it seems like somebody above was telling you you're done. Yeah, you know, fucking god, I'm so glad I ran out of ideas before I ran out of time for real. You know, it's beautifully put. I ran out of ideas before I ran out of time, you know, yeah, because when you run out of time, your family's left to deal with the aftermath. Yeah, you know, Thanks, Laura. When you run out of time, you have your little girl going through your little shack of a room with little to no belongings, right? That was the end of his life, trying to figure out her dad. It was so sad, yeah? It was so sad that she, you know, she got a bunch of half used colognes. And it's not about what she got, it's just about what little he had. Yeah, you know, there was like, everything had been taken away from him, yeah? And it was really, like, truly bottom Yeah. And to have your daughter have to go through your phone and read these messages. And, you know, you don't think about these things when you're when you're leaving this world by yourself. You know? Yeah, he did die in the bathroom by himself, you know, he didn't have a Narcan in there, you're right. And there was nobody else that knew he was in there, so he was in there for two hours, yeah, so you don't plan these kind of things, you know. And I'm sure he wasn't planning to die on a toilet, you know, I guess like Elvis. He went out like Elvis. There's that, you know, but um, is it is a gift. When you finally decide that you're that's a gift, sick and tired of being sick and tired, yeah, and you just want to be done with it. And every day is still, you know, a struggle. Yeah, it is always, it's gonna always be, but that's life. Yeah. I mean, I still walk past tense and I like, wonder what the fuck they're doing inside. I'm like, What the fuck you know? Like, I'm like, crazy, the fuck dude, if I see a tent at night and I see like, flickering of a fucking light lighter, like someone with a torch, I'm like, I don't you know, but that's the great thing about now, is the idea comes in my head. Oh, that'd be a great idea, and that's all it is. It's just a fucking idea. That's what this has given me. It's just an idea. I still get the thoughts. I'm far from fucking fixed, trust me, but they're just thoughts. Now, they're not like, you know, when you were in it and the thoughts were in your fucking chest. Yeah, when you the thoughts became in action exactly when you had to, you had to pick up like, there was not another fucking Avenue. There was no pause. There was no like, maybe I'll consider this, or maybe, you know, you had to fucking pick up dope. That's the fucking the greatest thing is, I'm not my life, and your life is no longer ruled by these fucking crazy impulse reactions. We get ruled because I was a fucking slave, yep, and not the good kind of slave either, you know, not like the one I'm walking around and, you know, West Hollywood on a leash and a caller totally done that. But by the way, you send me the best pictures ever. I get pictures from her when she's doing her thing, and if I guess the person, and I've seen some of the wackiest pictures. They bring me so much joy. The guy that was on the cross in like a pink tutu with this, with the blindfold on, and you're like, you're like, like, selfie ing me. And I'm like, this is I got that when I was driving and I honestly nearly crashed. I thought that was the greatest thing I've ever seen. And I'm like, and you know what? I'm like, you get it, dude, I'm glad for you, man. I have a lot of fun doing what I do. Of course, you do know, yeah, it's, it's one hell of a ride. Yeah, hey, we'll be right back. But before we do please consider helping us grow this podcast. You could do that a number of different ways. You can hit follow on Spotify. You can rate us, review us. But what would be really awesome would be if you could share this with one other addict or alcoholic that you think could get something out this podcast. If everyone did that, we would grow this thing tremendously. But as always, thank you for listening and thank you for your support. So we ask every guest this as we come to the end of this, we ask every guest this question, what would you tell little Ruby. Now, if you could say something to your younger self, what would you tell them? Stop second guessing yourself. Stay confident, stay positive, and just be true to yourself. But I think you've already done that. You're a real one. I don't know if I've always done that, you know? I mean, I, I went through hell too, sometimes, little little Ruby, by the way, was made fun of all the time because of her freckles and her red hair, you know. So I went through this like Ugly Duckling phase, and then I became a bad bitch, and it kind of worked out in the end, you know, I guess having to defend myself in elementary school and being a bully paid off in the end, you know, now I get paid for it. You love it. Thanks for coming in today. Thank you. Bye.